#move out (did in 2020. moved back bc shitty mental health)

[lewmagoo]

I've seen you mention is a couple times, and I got curious.What's your story about college? I know you said you still have yet to finish/it's a long story. Would ya feel like sharing that story if it's not too personal? I'm a nosey bitch, I'm so sorry. Just ignore this if u want to

i don't mind sharing the story. i guess i'll start at the beginning. it's a lot, so buckle up. i put it under a read more bc it turned into a whole novel.

in 2019 i moved to florida so i could go to college there. but the circumstances leading up to me going were pretty traumatic. literally days before i packed up my whole life and moved across the country, we found out my mom's brother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. that ofc added to my stress level, bc i was torn, as i wanted to stay home to be there for my family during such a shitty thing. but i left anyway and started college.

not even a month into my first semester, my mom called to tell me my grandpa had died. so i had to fly back home for the funeral. that was very traumatic, because it was the first loss i truly experienced. i'd lost family members before, but not ones this close. anyway, i came home for the funeral, then went back to florida. during this time, my uncle was getting progressively worse. by the time i came home for christmas break, he was in hospice care. he looked awful, i'll never forget it. he'd always been such a strong, solid guy, he was a marine, and you know the whole marine schtick, they're all tough and shit. but he was reduced to a skeleton, essentially.

i got ready to head back to florida a few weeks later, and when i said goodbye to him, i knew it would be the last time i'd ever see him again. barely a month later, and he passed away. so, i had to come back home again for the funeral. afterwards, i returned to florida, only to start hearing whispers about a virus going around. a couple weeks later we were being sent home because the world was shut down. nobody knew what was going on so it was terrifying, of course. but i made it home and finished my semester online. fast forward to may 2020. my great uncle passes away from complications due to covid. we couldn't go to the funeral because of regulations. it sucked to not be able to be with the rest of my family during this time.

a few months later, i was heading back to florida to continue college, after travel restrictions had been lifted, etc. literally while i was at the airport, i received a phone call that my cousin had passed away. i wasn't close to him at all, in fact i hardly ever spoke a word to him, because we didn't grow up together. but it still hit close to home after everything my family had gone through the last several months. but, life had to go on, so i went back to school and did my thing. however, only a couple weeks into the semester, a hurricane slammed us. that was scary, of course, because i'd never experienced anything like that. but, we made it through.

then, fast forward to the next semester. up until this point, my courses had been relatively easy for me. i had a good gpa, only struggled in one or two classes, etc. but this semester was brutal. the most difficult semester i'd ever gone through. my mental health was in the gutter after everything i'd dealt with in the last year. i was extremely depressed, my physical health wasn't great, and my grades were slipping. i had one class in particular that was hell for me. the professor was awful. and i couldn't drop his class because he was the only one who taught it, and it was required for my major. so i forced myself to get through it. but i hated every minute of it. i had the class three days a week and each day i would have horrible anxiety attacks before class and work myself up so badly. yeah, it was misery.

during that time, i started considering that taking a break from college was a good course of action for me. but i wasn't sure. i was like "maybe i'm just a pussy. maybe i should just suck it up and force myself to come back next year." but the thought of coming back the next year made me want to kill myself, and i am not exaggerating when i say that. so, ultimately, i finished that semester, and stepped away from college. and it was the best decision i've ever made, not only because my mental health has greatly improved since then, but also because some shit went down in my family.

last october, which was during the time when i already would've been in the midst of my next college semester, my dad was injured in a fall that resulted in the complete rupture of both quad tendons in each leg. this means he was entirely unable to walk. he had to undergo emergency surgery, and he was laid up for 9 months straight, unable to go to work or do anything at all really. this is where i say my decision not to go back to school was divine intervention, bc if i had gone anyway, i would've had to come back home, because my mom needed help with my dad. i became his caregiver while she was busy working and trying to keep the family afloat financially. those were some dark times, for sure.

so, that's my extremely long winded story about why i have yet to finish college, lmao. i'm transferring to an online program next year to finish my last two years. i know i could never go back to my old college, my mind associates it with trauma and negative things now, and i think if i were to go back to living at that campus i'd spiral mentally. i'm glad i left when i did

#anyway! #if you read all of this you're the real mvp #asks

[fabulouslygaybean]

im falling back into so many of my interests from 2019 and im. surprisingly not actually that disappointed

#to clarify: 2019 was like my happiest year by far #yeah my parents got divorced and some aspects of the year were shitty but GOD i felt more alive than i had in years #i had freedom for the first time in my life bc my dad finally moved out and my mom wanted to let me have the freedom i was never given #so i started going to concerts and i did stupid shit and explored the city and did shit with friends #i was more confident than i had been in a long time and my mental health was the best it had been since my first downwards spiral #like. not only that but i had so many interests that i loved with little to no shame #like im always ashamed of my interests now but i was less scared of it then #and after the concert last night i feel like im back in 2019 and things are okay for the first time in a while #like. im not gonna go out and be insanely careless and stupid during a pandemic #but my heart feels a lot lighter and im trying to bring back the things that i drifted away from in 2020 and 2021 bc of poor mental health #god i feel great

[ofsilenceandscreaming]

X

#medicine tw #ask to tag #ny resolutions #gjdkskw god 2019 rlly was the last time i made more than one resolution #i mean 🤔 i did do some of them #went back to college. dropped outa college (this time w/ less tears). started and stopped antidepressants #quit my shitty ass job (!!!! i barely even eat there anymore lmao fuck that place) #move out (did in 2020. moved back bc shitty mental health) #get a 2nd job (did for 10 mnts then quit) #others that i don't remember lmao #only one i kept is the one i make every year: make it to next year. doesn't matter how just make it #this year I'm thinking practical #1. make it to next year. 2. sew more often or occasionally. 3. bake a bit more. ppl seem to like it #4. fix up the house a bit. 5. idk some flowers would look nice. 6. spray paint more things on my walls #7. mayb fix up the shed a bit. 8. build little kitty houses for stray cats in the shed. 9. find homes for some cats #10. take mom to the grotto. she hasn't been there for a long while. 11. more. piercings. mayb tattoo. 12. set something big on fire #13. more knives. always more knives. 14. find another way to make money w/o getting a 2nd job (no bakery). 15. write this down on paper #idk there's probably gonna b more or mayb even less. I'm a tired human being #oh. w/e number i was on: get. more. punk 😈 #that reminds me: 17. bleach hair as white as possible. keep for awhile. make it as neon pink as possible #i want that shit to glow in the dark when I'm done #ooooo is glow in the dark hair dye a thing??? 👀👀 gotta go look #things to remember #positive

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #tumblr is legit my fucking life now #motivate me to deactivate this blog to leave the hellsite forever 2021 #trigger warning: suicide mention #tw: suicide mention

[iamanartichoke]

Why do you feel that way about fandom? (In regards to your latest reblog)

Ah, I’m not sure if I know how to explain it, but I’ll try. (This got long, so I’m really sorry.)

The thing is, I first got into the Loki fandom early in 2018, so I’m coming up on about two years of being active here. That first year was so fun and exciting; I was elated to be able to discuss my Loki theories and meta with like-minded people, and I was so happy (and surprised!) at the attention my fic was getting.

I was also still at a point where I believed IW was going to blow our minds, so there was that extra kind of thrill of suspense (and a bit of fear but, when you believe in the MCU and haven’t yet lost faith in its writers/directors, the fear is surface-level and adds to the thrill - there’s not really the accompanying dread and despair). 

IW was a crushing blow to that, of course, but even though we were all devastated, we were all devastated as a fandom. We were still in it together; we had one another to vent to and cry with and share fic with. “Loki is alive bc reasons” became kind of an unwritten rule in most post-IW fics; we all agreed that Loki deserved better. 

In 2019, two things happened: one, I was underemployed and dragging my feet on finding better employment due to my mental health, which ruined my life for a little while. I had to move back in with my parents, which (I love them and am grateful they were willing to support me, but) was a toxic environment. I was too depressed to indulge in my escapism the same way (fic and fandom) and my progress on my stories slowed way down. I’ve never quite been able to get back the momentum I had when writing Sanctuary, but that’s another issue. 

The second thing that happened was, obviously, Endgame came out and whatever theories and hopes the fandom was collectively holding onto about Loki were crushed. Not only that, but the portrayal of Thor seemed to amplify the divide in the fandom between the pro/anti Ragnarok argument. 

It seems, to me, that what was a series of battles or skirmishes only became an all-out war after Endgame. That’s only my perception, of course, but I do feel that the latter part of 2019 saw the divide grow larger and larger. Everyone had opinions on what the “correct” portrayal of Thor was, and how it related to Loki, and whether fanon Thor and Loki’s relationship was founded in canon or not. Everyone was defensive of their own point of view; bullying and name-calling and anon hate became more widespread. 

Again, this is just my observation. Those who’ve been on the front lines since Ragnarok came out probably have a much different perspective; I’m only talking about what I observed bc it directly impacts how I feel about fandom these days. 

So here we are in 2020; like I said, I’ve been here about two years. I haven’t rewatched any of the Thor movies in ages (although @delyth88 and I are talking about it), because they make me so sad and also so angry. Sad for what we had, angry for what could have been. So much wasted potential. Loki’s horrific end hangs over everything, as does Thor’s radical character change, and I don’t have the same excited outlook about the characters and the meta potential anymore. 

Not having watched the movies in a long time, along with that feeling of “ugh” around them, impacts me creatively bc I’m not actively feeding my writing inspiration. For me, fanfic writing comes from being so full of feels about the source material that I just can’t get enough and I need more. I draw my inspiration from things like watching Loki’s facial expressions, catching subtle moments between Thor and Loki, analyzing the way they speak, thinking about the story choices happening, and so on, and so on. 

My source of inspiration has dried up, in other words, which has made it hard for me to keep a good writing momentum going. I was feeling great when I rewrote Sea, and then my inspiration kind of plummeted again - this time, bc I felt that I did such a good job rewriting and the response was so positive, I didn’t know if I could finish the rest of the story as well. Like I was already setting up the second half to fail, bc it would be much more “rough draft” than the first - revised and polished, yes, but not gone over with a fine-toothed comb the way the first part was. 

The truth is, I carry a lot of stress and anxiety around my writing. I am always incredibly anxious that no one actually likes my fic, that no one is reading my fic, that people think it’s stupid or pointless, that my quirky humorous touches are ooc, that my plotlines are convoluted and boring and my sex scenes awkward and non-existent. 

I’m having trouble with the Valki relationship bc I haven’t watched Ragnarok in so long, I’ve forgotten how much chemistry was between them and how it made me feel. I’ve forgotten why I chose to pair them up in this ‘verse in the first place. And I worry about that, too - that the people who read my stories for the Valki are walking away unsatisfied. 

So that’s where I am with fic writing - slow and steady, still trying to find my footing, still secretly assuming what I write is shit.

This is on top of feeling more and more isolated on tumblr, mostly because of the aforementioned tensions and overall negativity that’s erupted in the fandom. I have been unfollowed and blocked by people who were once mutuals; I have been blocked by people I’ve never spoken to before. 

There’s so much stress surrounding the things I post now - I’m constantly thinking, have I worded this correctly to convey my meaning without shitting on someone else’s opinion? Is this post going to be the one that makes this or that mutual unfollow me? Am I tagging correctly so my pro Ragnarok mutuals don’t see my criticism, and vice versa? Can I still post pictures of Chris Hemsworth, who is possibly the only man in the world I am definitely attracted to, which is a shame bc I agree that he’s kind of a douche now? But he’s so beautiful, but I have to disclaim that it’s just his face I’m attracted to? If I reblog this post about Loki that I think is hilarious, but is also founded on the flat stabby villain characterization, will I alienate my anti friends? Does it imply I don’t understand or appreciate Loki and that, by reblogging the thing, I’m endorsing a shitty characterization? 

And so on. It makes scrolling my dashboard uncomfortable and un-fun, bc I end up saving tons of posts to my drafts without reblogging them, and after awhile I am not enjoying myself, so I stop scrolling. 

But this means I miss tons of mutuals’ posts, and I was trying to check individual blogs for awhile but I kept falling further behind, and there were more and more posts I’d missed, and I’d get overwhelmed and then feel like they probably hated me anyway at this point for being a shit mutual, so I might as well just keep lurking on the dash for ten minutes and call it a day. 

On top of that, I haven’t read fic in awhile bc of this mindset, so I haven’t commented, and then when I don’t get comments it’s like, well, maybe the story’s not shitty but no one’s reading it bc what do I expect when I’m not reading theirs? You’re not special, Charlotte. 

The worst part about all of this is that none of it should diminish (and hasn’t diminished!) my love of Loki as a character. I am excited about the series, but I am also very anxious about it - about the story not being good, yes, but also about the inevitably divide that will further split the fandom. 

No matter how the story goes, someone’s going to be upset. You can’t please everyone, and trying only makes for worse storytelling. So the wank will continue. 

But I love Loki. I love everything about him. I am interested in writing about him and reading about him and thinking about him. I am invested in him and always will be. It’s just that, right now, I’m kind of falling further and further out of fandom and I find I have less to say. 

And so I either have to wait it out, or work on my own mindset, or keep on keeping on. I just don’t know how long that will take or if I’m even liked enough here to try to bother. 

tl;dr: Fandom has made me cynical and jaded, and it has dampened not my love of Loki, but my love of interacting with the Loki fandom.

(I know you didn’t ask for this hot garbage pile of my feelings, anon, so I’m sorry.) 

#charlotte replies #a nonny mouse #fandom wank

[coreytravelogue]

February 21, 2021 - Burnaby, BC

New day, new year but the same old pandemic which means no travel for me or anyone unless you are a politician but that is another story. Not going to lie I felt like 2021 was going to be a much better year for me and it could still very well turn out to be but it hasn’t started very well that is for sure. I think the stresses of the past few years but mainly 2020 have started to boil over for me to where I feel like I am reverting back to my old messed up self because of it and I absolutely hate it.

However this blog is not for ordinary diary stuff that is what my actual diary is for. This blog is mainly for adventures and self reflection of places. Since I have no real places to go I guess this sort of update would have to do. I am moving out of my residence of the last 9 years on Friday. It has been long over due but my actions over the past month have led to this happening. Long story short I got fed up with our asshole room mate and his constant passive aggression towards me and my girlfriend that I essentially blew up on him. The house has been a preverbial eggshell ever since. Thankfully unless something happens me and my girlfriend will be done with this fucking house in 5 days.

With that said 9 years......never realized I was here for that long time I really thought about it. A lot of things have changed in my life during this time and the room I am laying in at least played a part in it.

In 2012 I was living in an apartment I could not afford, I took the apartment originally because I wanted to live by myself and I felt that the OT I normally did at work would offset costs. Sadly that did not happen, I was losing money, rent was going up and it was obvious I needed to leave and find a place where I could save money and find a way out of my shit life at this point. Also I was painfully lonely and missed having room mates. Up to this point I had fairly good luck with room mates. That would all change of course.

One of my coworkers rented out the basement portion of his house very cheap and so I took it. Honestly I didn’t really look at it as well as I should have. I knew the bathroom was worn down and disgusting but I thought I could deal with it since I showered at work most of the time anyway, the room itself seemed ok too as well but at the end of the day it was hella cheap and I felt like this was only temporary anyway.

I remember the day and night I moved in as if it was only last year. My room was covered in boxes, I had no idea how I was going to unpack everything and get it all to fit into the room but the thing was the house was fucking freezing. I could not understand how a full house like this could not have heating. So I took out my heater, plugged it in and tried to sleep on my futon I wasn’t able to full build due to it being late and so fucking cold (it was February). Within one hour the power went out in my room, the heater blew the fuse. I soon came to realize that this house had shitty electric o n top of next to no heating. That night I wondered what the fuck I had just done moving into this shit house, have I just made a mistake?

The next day I felt like I may as well make the best of it. The kitchen was fucking filthy just like the shower and I decided to clean both. Next was the fridge, the rules of the fridge in every other place I lived was first come first serve but don’t be an asshole and monopolize space. So I re arranged everything and thought I did everyone a solid. 20 minutes later someone left a note saying don’t move shit and marked with felt pen in the fridge which areas belonged to who. I felt bad but at that moment I felt like it was a bit fucking much to ruin the fridge when all one could have done was knock on my door and just said hey don’t do that. This was my introduction to Luis, aka poop face aka man child aka asshole.

So I decided to do a solid for everyone and clean up the fridge because it was fucking gross, as he passed by I asked him why the fridge was looking so gross and why mark up the fridge. Instead of striking a conversation or explaining himself he used the no English card and walked away. At the time I thought ok he doesn’t speak English (yet he can write it fine I suppose) and just cleaned the fridge. Not long after I found out he could speak English he just doesn’t like talking to people. So within the span of the week I discovered that not only is he lazy but an asshole.

For the next few years I would be the only one cleaning this house full of men who didn’t want to give a shit about each other and wanted their own privacy. Honestly I let a lot of shit slide with him simply because he gave me just that, privacy. When my friend Tara moved in it was like a breath of fresh air, someone who could share in the cleaning duties and someone to hang out with. The next 5 years were much better but not without its issues.

See this house is breaking down and has been breaking down for years. One year we had to reveal the bathroom because water was rotting the walls ont he other side. Mould growth all over the bathroom we had to keep at bay and still do, kitchen countertop breaking apart, fruit flies and so on but me and Tara took care of that and Luis stayed the fuck away.

However since my girlfriend moved in he has turned into an asshole thinking we have impeded on his property and his privacy. Prior to my girlfriend here you would barely ever hear him or know he was there. Now whenever he is at home he has his tv on loud with the door open and sprays putrid axe spray right before he leaves. He has tried to steal shelf space and has pushed my girlffriend away from the sink onetime because she needed to clean three dishes so last month’s blow up on him was long stirring.

I can’t wait to leave this place but with that said I have been here for 9 years and while there have been mostly bad memories there have still been memories in this house. Tara filling my room with balloons celebrating my birthday when I came back from Europe. Having picnics in the back yard watching blue jays.

All things considered this house provided me with a place to stay and a place where I could get my shit back on track. Now at this point I need to leave to keep my sanity but all things considered this house did provide me with a way back financially. However where I am moving to is far more expensive but I will have privacy again and be able to heal my mental health again. I need to start taking better care of myself now going forward as people around me are starting to realize that I am struggling now. I do not know if this new apartment will help me that much. It will help in that we will finally have a clean place to live away from an asshole room mate and the dangers of living in a mouldy house that is one electrical fire away from burning down.

2021 doesn’t look like it will be a year where I could travel but I have a feeling there will be a few more changes in my life happening this year, many I probably won’t like but changes nonetheless. I only hope I can get through them with my sanity intact, I do not know. Till the next change in my life shazbot nanu nanu.