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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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When was the last time you baked something for someone? I’m not a baker, so never. Like, I make stuff like those easy Pillsbury sugar cookies or cupcakes from the box once in awhile, but I’m not baking stuff from scratch or for other people. I don’t make anything great.

Do you ever spend the night at random people’s houses? No.

What did you eat for dinner tonight? Was it any good at all? I haven’t had dinner, yet, it’s only 4 in the morning.

Would you be mad if your mom showed your boyfriend your baby pictures? I like my baby pictures haha I don’t know why people get embarrassed about that. Just don’t whip out my middle school photos or any random ones after that. It’d have to be approved by me first, ha.

Would you say you’re someone who has good manners? I believe so.

When was the last time you went to an amusement park? Which one? I went to Disneyland last February. Almost a year ago, wow.

Would you rather be kissed on the neck or on the lips? Lips.

Do you completely trust the person you’re dating? I’m single.

Has someone ever called you heartless before? Why is that? No.

What color was the shirt you wore yesterday? It was a dark blue sweatshirt.

Have you ever completely given up on someone any time in life? Myself.

What is one thing you’re not looking forward to in the next week? I have my monthly doctor appointment coming up. Blah.

Would you consider Christmas your favorite holiday? Yesss. I love Christmas. I’m sad it’s over and we’re in for another long year ahead. Not to mention, we’re not even a week in the new year and madness has already ensued.

Would you rather give someone presents or receive them? I love getting presents for my loved ones.

How many chances do you normally give someone before giving up on them? I give a lot of chances.

Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? I’m actually not sure.

Are any of your really close friends pregnant right now? No friends, but as far as I know no one I know is pregnant.

Are you for or against inter-racial relationships? Uh, for of course.

Would you say you’re more of a pessimist or optimist? I’m very much a pessimist.

Do you know what your true typing speed is? What is it? I do not.

What would you say is the longest survey you’ve ever taken? The 5,000 questions survey. I’m like really close to being done with it I think. I’ve taken many long breaks, but eventually I’ll finish it.

Do you get bored by things really easily, or not so much? No, not usually.

Do you hate it when people pronounce ‘potatoes’ as ‘taters?’ No. I say that sometimes.

Do you wear a lot of make-up on a daily basis? I haven’t worn any makeup in over 3 years now and back when I did I kept it simple with just mascara and eyeliner.

Who makes the best desserts in your entire family? My parents and brother each have their own specialties.

When was the last time your received a hug? Who was this hug from? On Christmas from my family.

Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? I have very random and weird dreams most of the time.

Would you rather color pictures with markers or crayons? How about colored pencils.

Do people come to you for advice a lot of the time? I used to be that person, but not anymore. No one should be asking me for advice, I’m a mess.

Look at your display picture. Where was it taken and when was it taken? Just a few days ago in my room.

When the holidays come around, do you watch holiday movies? Yep, all month long.

When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? I don’t recall.

Would you say you’re a friendly person or not so much? I think I’m nice, but I’m not overly friendly.

Have you ever/do you ever recycle? We recycle plastic bottles and cans.

When was the last time you ate something from Burger King? It’s been quite awhile, actually.... I don’t remember.

When someone mentions a song, does it make you wanna listen to it? Not necessarily.

Do you usually talk more than you should about things? How much is more than you should, like what’s the appropriate amount? And about what things? I have questions.

Who is the nosiest person you know? Do you like them anyways? My doggo actually takes that title haha. She’s very inquisitive. She has to know what everyone is doing and what’s going on.

When did you last talk to one of your teachers? Not since I was in school still, so sometime back in 2015.

How many class periods does your school have? What are the classes? I’m not in school anymore.

Would you say you’re a faster or slow learner? Depends on the subject.

Are you one of those people who like The Nightmare Before Christmas? Yeah. I’m not obsessed, but I like it.

Do you fully understand the concept of ‘love?’ I don’t know. What’s your second favorite color? Pastels, rose gold, mint green, coral, and yellow.

Do you ever wish you lived in a different country? No.

Do you have a credit card with a picture on the front? Nope.

Have you ever gone car shopping? No.

Have you ever bought the car yourself?

What movie have you watched most recently? I watched The Santa Clause movies, Home Alone 1 & 2, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation many times last month.

Have you ever given someone the rejection hotline number? No.

Do you know what dog treats taste like? No, I’ve never wanted to try one. I imagine they’re very dry and gross.

Who’s the last person you “pounded” fists with? I don’t recall the last time I did that.

Do you think you could defend our country? No. I couldn’t anyway, I’m physically disabled.

If you leave the TV on at night, do you set the sleep timer? No, it just stays on.

When’s the last time you drove farther than 2 hours away? Two years ago. I didn’t drive, but yeah. Will you pass all your classes this semester?

Have you ever been involved in an affair? No.

Ever won a spelling bee? I was never in one.

How many times a week do you speak to your boss? I don’t have a job.

When’s the last time you exercised? Uhhhh.

What’s the last movie you saw at the drive thru? I think it was the Johnny Depp version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Our drive-ins closed a long time ago. I really feel like they should make a comeback given our current situation, especially, but they were also just fun. I know they’re still around, but they’re pretty scarce. Nowhere near me, at least.

Are you a parent? Nooo.

What about an uncle or an aunt? Nope.

How many jobs have you had? Zero.

Who did you last smile at? My mom.

Who was your last voicemail from? Probably an appointment reminder from my doctor.

Do you know how to spell well? Pretty well, I think.

Have you ever worn a leotard in public? No. Or ever.

Are you currently writing a term paper? Nopeee. Those days are over for me.

On average how many texts do you send a day? I don’t text a lot at all, it’s not a daily thing. When I text, it’s just a few quick ones. I don’t have long ongoing conversations with anyone.

How many times have you been so drunk you didn’t remember the night before? There’s only one time where parts of the night are splotchy.

How often do you watch Lifetime? Very, very rarely. It’s been quite awhile.

What do you want for your birthday? I don’t know, man, we just had Christmas and my birthday is still months away.

What’s your favorite flavor of tea? Peppermint and chamomile.

What’s your favorite fall drink? Hot coffee, but that’s really my favorite year round. It is especially nice when the weather is cold, though.

What’re you going to be for Halloween? I don’t dress up for Halloween anymore.

Do you think you’ve learned a lot and grown a lot in the past year? No. :/ That’s the problem. The past few years have come and gone and I haven’t made any positive changes or started to move in the right direction like I should be. Are you satisfied with how you’ve spent your year? ^^^ I’m afraid this year will be more of the same.

What’s something you’ve learned lately? Hmm.

Do you have a lot of friends? I don’t have any friends.

Do you own a yellow scarf? I don’t have any scarves, either.

Do you own brown shoes? I have a pair of brown boots.

Do you own anything leopard print? No.

Will you buy a cake for your next birthday? Haven’t thought about it.

Are you counting down the days until your birthday right now? Nooo.

Are you excited for something currently? No.

If you could change just one thing about your life right now, what would it be? My health.

Have you ever been to a school dance? Yeah, I went to a few in middle school and I went to winter formal and prom my senior year.

Do you make a list of goals at the beginning of each week? Ha, no. I’m not that put together. I don’t have the motivation or energy for that.

Are you artistic? No.

When was that last time you drew a picture in a sketchbook? I don’t draw.

Is there a tree right outside your bedroom window? There is, actually.

Is it windy right now where you are? I don’t think so.

Is it raining? Nope.

What’s something about you that makes you different from everyone else? *shrug*

Do you dress the same way as your peers? I don’t know how many 31 year olds live in leggings and oversized graphic tees like I do. I feel like it’s not many.

Do you talk the same way as your peers? I think so? Do you have the same life goals as your friends? I should have some goals to begin with... :/

Are you having a good day? It’s only 5:53AM.

Is your hair red? I dye it red.

Do you like brownies? I love brownies. My brother just baked some recently and I quite enjoyed them.

Have you ever dressed up as a witch on Halloween? Yeah, that was a common costume for me as a kid.

What’s one color that you never wear because it doesn’t look good on you? I don’t feel I look good in any color. Most of my clothes are black, though. I feel most comfortable in black.

Have you ever been to a masquerade? Nope.

Do you eat vegetables? I eat spinach, green onions, and potatoes pretty often. Not nearly enough veggies, I know.

Do you wear leggings? Like I said, I live in leggings.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? Alexander Skarsgard.

Who is the most inappropriate person you know? I don’t know any inappropriate people.

Did anything bad happen to you in August? It was just a long, hot month.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name? My mom does.

Anything you’re avoiding? Yes.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? To feel better.

If your parents searched your room, would they be angry at what they’d find? No, but also I’m 31 years old so there’s no reason for them to be doing that. They wouldn’t do that either.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Not romantic feelings, no.

After breaking up, what’s the worst? The heartbreak and moving on.

Do you think your last ex deserves to die? No, absolutely not. I don’t wish that on anyone and he certainly didn’t do anything to warrant that.

Do any girls like the last guy you kissed? Probably?

Are you happier now than you were three months ago? I wasn’t happy then and I’m still not, so.

Honestly, are things going the way you planned? I certainly didn’t plan these past few years to be the way they have and continue to be that’s for sure.

Have you done anything sexual today? No.

Do you have a second mom? No.

Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? Nooo, I love my brother.

Describe your most recent purchase: Food, of course.

Did you enjoy the last movie you watched in theatres? Yeah. Man, I miss going to the movies.

If you make surveys, where’s the last place you saw a survey made by you on another person’s site? I don't make them.

Do you take the subway train often (if your city has one)? We don’t have a subway train here.

What shoes did you wear today? I haven’t worn any shoes so far and won’t be wearing any later because I’m not going anywhere.

Who was the last person to leave you a comment on Facebook? I think it was my aunt.

Does your sibling have a significant other? Neither of them do.

When and why is the last time you cried (or at least, shed tears)? Like an hour ago.

Have you ever cried at a real wedding? No. Also, what do you mean by “real” wedding?

How would you feel if a girl asked your boyfriend out for a drink? Uh, I’d have an issue with that.

Do you use Skype? No.

What do your flip-flops look like? I don’t wear flip flops or sandals or any open-toed shoes.

Describe a poster on your wall. One is a giraffe painting. I actually have 3.

Are there any gadgets of yours that need charging right now? My phone is charging.

What do you use to remove makeup? I just used water and a cotton pad. I just wore eyeliner and mascara, so.

Tilt your head up and look straight ahead. Describe what you see. My bookshelf.

Which awards show would you wanna go to the most (e.g Oscars, Grammys etc.)? One of the music ones.

Any idea what time you’ll be going to bed tonight? Well, it’s 6:06AM and here we are.

Do you think George Clooney is hot? I’ve never personally found him attractive.

Have you ever participated in local magazine cover girl searches? No.

Have you ever bought a lottery ticket (and even better: won)? Yes. I’ve won small amounts, but not the big prizes. I wishhh.

What colour is your keyboard? Black with white letters.

Do you keep the plastic/paper/whatever bags after you buy stuff? We reuse plastic bags for like the little garbage cans and stuff.

Do you own any high waisted pants? No.

What’s the craziest thing you’ll ever do to your hair? Bleaching and dyeing my hair the first time was a big change for me. It’s so normal now, though.

Do you know anyone who has two different coloured eyes? No.

Does your significant other like the same colour as you do? No significant other.

Do you wanna be a pirate or an elf? I’d rather be an elf.

Have you ever purchased anything online? Numerous things over the years. I’ve done a lot of online shopping especially these past few years.

What’s your favourite classic Disney movie (no, Camp Rock doesn’t count)? Alice in Wonderland.

Gold or silver accessories? I like both.

Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No.

Name all your friends whose name starts with the 4th letter of your first name.

What websites do you absolutely have to visit daily (or at least, every time you get to go online)? I always go on Tumblr, YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook.

Have you ever ridden an elephant? No.

Are you a fan of acrylic nails? I’ve never had them. I don’t get or do my nails. I don’t have any nails to do, for one. Also just not my thing.

#personal #text #survey #surveys #long survey

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tellmevarric · 6 years

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So... the Far Cry 5 ‘good’ ending. Good being very relative term in this case. Obviously I have issues with it and given I’m nearing the end of my third playthrough (which would be kind of disturbing but is actually a result of having time on my hands the game not actually being that long due to the gameplay mechanics acting like a ticking clock with the main story missions - I dragged out 3 & 4 much longer because you could control when you did the main story missions better in those games... but I digress), I have been able to explore a bit and take in a bit more of what happens.

So, I have my own headcanons about the ‘good’ ending and because I write fic, I incorporated them into a bit of a fic featuring my Deputy Aaron Cartwright. Because it was easier for me to articulate them that way. Anyway, these are my headcanons only but they’re mostly supported by things that are said and/or shown in game or some external research done by me (re: the flowers they use to make the Bliss).

Cut for length, btw. And this hasn’t been edited much so it might be a bit rough. It was part of a longer fic but I may never get around to editing or publishing those bits.

It took five weeks to convince Joseph Seed that he was a true believer now. Aaron would consider it the best acting job of his life but one thing he’d become aware of as the days passed was that whatever Joseph had been before they arrived, he had well and truly taken a dive off the deep end now. He didn’t actually seem violent anymore and Aaron’s early defiance had been greeted with little more than disappointed looks and endless sermons. Now, though, Joseph let him wander wherever he wanted in Dutch’s bunker and Aaron was careful in turn to stay away from the exits.

At least until now.

He’d found a secret cache of various medicinal drugs tucked away in the room he was using. He’d blessed Dutch’s paranoid soul that meant that he’d hidden things even in his own bunker, especially when he’d found the sleeping tablets. He’d taken several days to work through his plan and even do a couple of dry runs. He and Joseph split the cooking duties and the night he chose to act, he cooked a thick rich stew, something as close to his mother’s recipe as he could get with the supplies they had in the bunker. And into Joseph’s portion, he stirred the crushed sleeping tablets. There had only been three, which wouldn’t kill Joseph, but it would be enough for Aaron’s purposes.

Because in the last few weeks, he’d had time to think through what happened and one thing that had occurred to him very late one night about a week and a half after they’d arrived here – he’d been dosed with Bliss before and it had never worn off that quickly. The Sheriff had told him that. Sure, the brief exposures he had as he went about his business faded quickly but when he’d been properly dosed, no. And he’d been all but swimming in the stuff after Joseph had pushed over those vats. The first time Faith had dosed him, he’d been gone for days before they’d found him. Same with the second time. If what happened was to be believed then the Bliss Joseph had poured out at his feet had worn off in mere minutes. And frankly, Aaron didn’t believe it.

Add to that, those explosions – multiple – had been close. Close enough to cause fire and brimstone and devastation. Close enough that at least one of them, possibly more, was inside the valley. The radiation load they’d received must have been immense. They should have gotten sick within hours and stayed sick for days, maybe even died. But they’d both been perfectly healthy.

And the whole thing was just so… over the top. From his memory, there had been at least three, possibly four explosions within close proximity to or actually inside Hope Valley. A small, insignificant valley in the middle of Montana. Now, Aaron liked to think he was as important as the next person but that was overkill for one tiny county that had nothing of any national, let alone global, significance in it. If they’d been in New York or Los Angeles or Boston, sure. If they’d had a top secret government lab or something, then fine, he could understand it but Hope Valley?

Sure, there had been those radio broadcasts about trouble in the rest of the world but… the cult owned the radio stations. That had been in the briefing they’d had before they’d come here. So the only form of communication, supposedly from the outside world, came from cult-owned radio stations. The TV didn’t show anything other than cult broadcasts, phones didn’t work, the internet didn’t work… really, no one had any idea about what was going on outside of Hope Valley. And the clown in the Oval Office might be an idiot but Aaron didn’t think everyone was that stupid and hadn’t some of the Joint Chiefs already said they’d disobey if given that kind of order?

All in all, Aaron was convinced that if he opened the doors of the bunker, he wasn’t going to find the world in a state of devastation. Of course, if he was wrong, he’d look like an ass and probably die pretty quickly but he was willing to back his gut on this.

So, he waited. He lay in his narrow camp bed and waited, listening to Joseph stumble to his own bed and fall onto it. He waited then for another twenty minutes then he got up. He knew where Joseph had stashed his weapons and it was the work of a moment to smash open the lock and get them out. He then made his way to the exit and stared at the doors. He squared his shoulders and drew in a deep breath then unlocked them and pushed them open.

He squinted as bright sunlight flooded in and blinded him momentarily, before climbing out of the bunker and looking around, shaking his head with wry amusement. Not only was he right, their sense of time had gotten completely out of whack down there. The sun was high in the sky and around him was green grass, trees and plenty of life. Not a single sign of nuclear holocaust.

He snorted and turned back to the bunker. There were a lot of things he should do right now but the first thing was to make sure Joseph Seed couldn’t cause any more trouble. He swung the doors to the bunker closed and after a quick search, found a thick, solid branch that he shoved through the handles as a makeshift lock until he could find a better solution.

Only then did he dig out his radio. “Sheriff Whitehorse? Anyone else? This is Deputy Aaron Cartwright. Is anyone there?”

For a moment, there was only the quiet hiss of radio static then he heard the Sheriff’s amazed voice. “Rook? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me, boss,” Aaron said with a sigh as he leaned against a tree.

“Where the hell are you, Rook?”

“Near Dutch’s bunker.” He hesitated for a moment. “He… he’s dead.”

“God damn,” the Sheriff said with open regret. “And Joseph Seed?”

“Trapped in the bunker,” Aaron replied.

“Come up to Fall’s End, Rook,” the Sheriff said. “We relocated there. The National Guard arrived a couple of weeks ago. I’ll tell ‘em to keep an eye out for you.”

“Yes, sir.”

Aaron tucked his radio away and started jogging along the track. It seemed like a different time since the first time he’d done this and he supposed in a way that was true. Last time, he’d been a little lost, a lot worried and feeling hellaciously out of his depth but still willing to do what he could to un-fuck the situation, as Dutch had put it. Now, he just wanted a beer and some sanity… or as much sanity as the normal residents of Hope Valley could provide.

He hadn’t been on the road that long when a National Guard truck pulled up alongside him and a fresh-faced young guardsman jumped out and ushered him into the truck. Not long after that, they pulled into Fall’s End and as Aaron climbed out of the truck, the Sheriff walked out of the bar.

“Damn, Rook, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” the Sheriff said, gripped his shoulders tightly and smiling. “We had no idea where you and Seed had disappeared to and we feared the worst.”

“What happened?” Aaron asked. “And how long have I been missing?”

“Three weeks on the last. As for the rest…” The Sheriff gave him a nudge in the direction of the bar. “Head inside and get yourself a beer, kid. I’ve just got to sort out a couple of things then I’ll come in and we’ll talk.”

Aaron assumed at least one of those things included Joseph Seed and he was happy to leave that to the Sheriff. He did shake his head at the three weeks though. He could have sworn it had been five but then down in the bunker there had been really no way of accurately telling the passage of time and he suspected Joseph had been fucking with him more than just a little. He pushed open the door of the bar and walked in to find the Pastor there, along with Mary May. They both beamed at him as did Hudson and Pratt when they came down from upstairs.

“Hot damn, Deputy,” Mary May said. “We thought you’d gone and got yourself killed by Joseph when we didn’t hear anything from you.” She pushed a beer towards him. “On the house, Dep. We got new supplies in last week.”

“Thanks,” Aaron said wearily, accepting the clap on the shoulder from the Pastor. He grabbed his beer then Hudson and Pratt lead him over to one of the tables and had him sit down. They joined him but no one said anything until the Sheriff returned.

“Now, Rook,” the Sheriff said. “What happened from your point of view? From the moment Joseph stepped out of the church.”

Aaron took a long swallow of beer then he wrapped his hands around the bottle and stared down at it as he began. “He started talking about the end of the world and blah, blah, blah. Then he said that since I killed his family, he’d take mine. I turned around to find all the friends I’d made here high on the Bliss and holding the three of you at gunpoint. He then told me to choose what to do – basically arrest him or take you guys and leave. I indicated I intended to arrest him. He then tipped over a couple of vats of Bliss and that’s when things got screwed up.”

The Sheriff nodded but Aaron couldn’t tell what he thought from his expression. “Go on.”

“There was a fight,” Aaron said. “I got everyone back on my side and… we all subdued Joseph. Then… then a nuclear bomb went off. You got us all in the truck and Dutch told us to head to his bunker. There were more explosions, three, maybe four and it was like the end of the world. We got to Dutch’s bunker but crashed into a falling tree. You were all dead but Joseph was fine. He dragged me out of the truck and down into the bunker. I passed out and when I came to, I was handcuffed to one of the beds. Joseph went on and on about how he was right and then…” He sighed. “We… settled in. I basically tried to play along until I could get away.”

“You knew it was a Bliss dream?” the Sheriff asked.

Aaron shrugged. “Not specifically but it had occurred to me that it was all a bit over the top for a small valley in Montana that had been essentially cut off from the rest of the world. And it just suited Joseph so much. He’d predicted the end of the world and lo and behold, the world ended. That and I don’t recall Bliss wearing off that quickly.” He smiled wryly. “I figured if I was wrong, I probably wouldn’t have too long to regret it.”

The Sheriff chuckled. “That’s a point. Okay, let me tell you what happened. We all joined you to go get Joseph but there was Bliss everywhere. What you saw and heard at first tallies pretty close to what I saw and heard but Hudson and Pratt saw different things, as did most of the others. Then Seed really got us with that Bliss spill. We mostly just saw boogeymen and bad dreams, though a couple saw nuclear holocaust as well. Turns out those radio broadcasts were by a station owned by the cult being used to isolate people more by makin’ them afraid. Thankfully no one was badly hurt. Tammy and Tracey brought the Cougars and the Whitetail militia in when she couldn’t raise any of us and they got us out. Brought us here and looked after us until they could drag us all out of the Bliss. That was when we realised you weren’t with us. You had us worried, Rook.”

“Your friends have been damn worried too,” Hudson said with a small smile. “And the wife of that Nick Rye fellow has been threatening mayhem and murder if we didn’t find her daughter’s godfather.”

Aaron managed a weary laugh. “Yeah, she’s… small and scary.”

The Sheriff chuckled and got to his feet. “And she wanted you there whenever we found you. Hudson, drive him out to the Rye place and get him settled in. Deputy Cartwright, you are officially on leave for three days. Get some rest, let the Ryes fuss over you and then we’ll talk about what’s going on now the valley’s settled a bit.”

Aaron nodded and let Hudson nudge him out and into a truck. He leaned against the door and closed his eyes, though he couldn’t seem to keep his hands still.

“Sheriff’s been damn worried about you,” Hudson said after a few minutes. “We all have. None of us would have gotten out of this without you and we had no idea what that bastard was doing to you.”

“Preachin’ at me mostly,” Aaron said around a yawn. “Fuck but it was boring pretending to believe him.”

Hudson snorted with amusement. “So that’s what you did.”

Aaron nodded. “Yep. I think he’s gone even more crazy.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.”

Aaron turned his head a little. “What’s been going on here?”

“Well, after we all came to, the Sheriff headed to Missoula and called in the National Guard,” Hudson replied. “He left Pratt and me here to sort things out and when he got back with the Guard, he set them to patrolling the roads until we can round up whatever’s left of the Peggies. We closed down the radio station but it’s been reopened by some guy named Wheaty who was with the Whitetails. He and his people are broadcasting real news and some pretty decent music.” She glanced over at him. “The Sheriff needs to get back home though in order to coordinate things and… well, Pratt needs help. He’ll even admit that if you catch him at the right time. And I… I just want to get out of this hell hole.” She paused again. “I think he wants you to stay. He’s been talking to people here and they like the idea of a… Sheriff’s outpost or something in the valley.”

“They’ve never been ones for law enforcement in the past,” Aaron said quietly.

Hudson snorted. “And look where that got them. Besides, I think they still wouldn’t be too enthused if it was anyone other than you that the Sheriff was suggesting. These people like you.”

“The Sheriff know you’re telling me this?”

Hudson laughed. “Yeah, he does. He wanted me to float the idea with you so you’ve got time to think about it and also so you didn’t get blindsided by one of the locals, ‘cause I figure they’re going to be lining up to chat once the word gets out we’ve found you.”

They’d arrived at the Rye’s home and airfield by then and Nick had emerged, gun in hand and a wary look on his face that transformed into a wide, welcoming grin when he saw Aaron.

“Well, I’ll be damned! Deputy!” He turned and bellowed, “KIM! KIM! They found the Deputy!”

“Well, get him in here!” came the shouted reply from inside, closely followed by the sound of a baby’s yell.

Hudson was laughing quietly and she gave him a gentle shove. “You heard the woman, Rook. Get in there.”

Not that Aaron had much choice when Nick threw an arm over his shoulders and drew him inside, talking a mile a minute, mostly about nonsense. Once he was inside, Kim took over and Aaron felt like he’d been caught up in a whirlwind. A friendly, joyous whirlwind that saw him showered, in clean clothes, fed and watered and then ushered into their guest bedroom.

“You get some sleep now, Aaron,” Kim said. “You look just about dead on your feet.”

Aaron nodded then caught one of Kim’s hands. “Thanks.”

Kim smiled then leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek. “We’re the ones who should be thanking you. We’re safe now because of you. Now get some sleep.”

Aaron watched her go and closed the door behind her. He stripped down to his underwear then crawled into the soft, lovely bed. He was asleep almost before his head hit the pillow.

*****

Aaron had pretty much slept for most of his first two days of leave and when he got up on the third day, he found the house full of some very familiar faces. Even Boomer was inside, being made a fuss of by Jess, and he could hear Peaches yowling outside along with Cheeseburger rumbling and grumbling. He leaned in the doorway and just started laughing softly.

“Hey, Dep,” Nick said when he caught sight of him. He was pretending to look annoyed at all the people in his house but he wasn’t fooling anyone. Kim looked delighted and was proudly showing off their baby who was apparently happy to be held by anyone who wanted to. “We got inundated.”

“So I see.”

He was caught up in various greetings from the others and it took a while before he could sit down on the couch with Boomer resting his head on his knee. He scratched the dog’s ears and chuckled as Boomer yipped with happiness and drooled on his leg a bit.

“So what’s been happening?” he finally asked.

“Damn Peggies are on the run,” Adelaide said with smug satisfaction and the others nodded.

“With Joseph gone, they’re pretty much rudderless,” Grace added. “And disillusioned, some of ‘em. Didn’t much like that their leader up and ran off without them.”

“And without the other Seeds, there was no one to keep ‘em under control,” Nick said. “Some of the Lieutenants have been trying to maintain some sort of control though and it’s working better with some than others.”

“There’s still work to do,” Jess said, her face set and firm.

“Has the Sheriff told you what he’s planning?” Tammy asked from where she was leaning against the wall.

“Hudson mentioned it,” Aaron replied. “It’s got some support from what she said.”

“It has,” Tammy replied. “Even Wheaty’s all for it.” She smiled slightly and Aaron gave a sigh of relief. Wheaty had been harder and more suspicious since Eli’s death but maybe he’d been forgiven a little now. “You were here for us. You saved us. And you maybe understand this place now a bit better than most.”

“That’s if you want the job, dude,” Sharky said. “Don’t let the Man railroad you, Dep. That ain’t cool.”

Aaron laughed. “I kind of like the idea. I’m not sure people outside here would…” He trailed off, not entirely sure he knew what he wanted to say but the others started nodding.

“They wouldn’t understand why you did what you did,” Tracey said. “But we do. We lived with all this shit. We knew how bad it was and why ordinary measures wouldn’t work.”

“I’m still a Deputy Sheriff, you know,” Aaron said with a wry smile. “And at some point, the law has to prevail.”

“Yeah, but you’re cool though,” Hurk said. “Bet if you arrested me for being, you know, drunk in a public place or whatever, you wouldn’t make me sleep outside or nothing.”

Aaron chuckled. “No, Hurk, that’s what the cells are for. You sleep it off, I give you a lecture in the morning and send you home.”

“Aw, man,” Hurk said, looking crestfallen. “You sure I couldn’t stay for a day or two? Daddy gets real mad when I’ve been drinking.”

“Yeah, sure. Okay,” Aaron said, unable to conceal his grin.

Hurk lit up. “Yeah! Alright, man. See, I said you was cool and you are.”

Adelaide laughed and shook her head. “I’d suggest you don’t encourage him but… at least you keep him under some sort of control.”

“Aw, Mama,” Hurk said bashfully.

Adelaide rolled her eyes then fixed her gaze on Aaron. “So what happened, Deputy? We were all heading for Joseph’s compound to help you out then the next thing we know, we’re waking up from the damn Bliss.”

“To be honest, I’m not entirely sure,” Aaron said. “I know what I perceived and I know what Joseph believed but what actually happened beyond going there to arrest him… I don’t know.”

“What you perceived?” Tammy asked. “What? You mean, like what Jacob did?”

Aaron shook his head. “No, this was the Bliss. I think maybe people become very suggestible under the effects of the Bliss.”

“Makes sense, man,” Sharky said. “Those flowers they were fucking around with are full of scopolamine.” When everyone stared at him with surprise, he glared at them. “I ain’t stupid, man. Those flowers are some weird form of Angel’s Trumpets. They’re full of scopolamine and other shit that can cause auditory and visual hallucinations among other things that suck. And god knows what those fucking Peggies had been doing to them once they started processing them to make the Bliss.”

“Add the Bliss to the fact that Hope County had been effectively cut off from the world and the cult owned all the radio stations and…” Aaron shrugged. “It’s easy to see how Joseph could have manipulated things into an end of the world scenario. That’s what I saw. Nuclear holocaust.”

“Damn, man,” Nick said quietly. “How’d you know it was fake?”

“Because it was overkill,” Aaron replied. “I don’t know whether Joseph was feeding me ideas or whether my mind did it to try and poke at me but… there were three or four bombs that went off… in a small insignificant county in the middle of Montana. Then everything was on fire, all the trees, even the animals, yet we were in a car, driving along and not feeling any of that heat, let alone being touched by it. I mean, for a start, if it was that hot, the tires should have been melting. Then somehow we had an accident that killed the Sheriff, Hudson and Pratt and yet left Joseph and me practically untouched. Then despite being exposed to radiation from the three or four bombs that had gone off, Joseph and I showed no signs of radiation sickness, which we should have started seeing within hours. Once everything calmed down and I had time to think… there were just too many inconsistencies. It made no sense.”

Tammy chuckled. “You mean Joseph couldn’t just have the end of the world, he had to have the biggest, most extravagant end of the world there possibly could be?”

“If he was whispering in my ear and influencing what I was seeing, then yep, so it seems,” Aaron said with a wry smile.

“What happened to him?” Tracey said with a glint in her eyes.

“I’m pretty sure the National Guard have dragged him out of Dutch’s bunker and have him in custody by now,” Aaron replied. “Mind you, I think he’s gone off the deep end as well so he may never make it to a court room except to be declared legally insane before being shipped off to a hospital.”

“He deserves more than that,” Tracey growled.

“Naw, this is good,” Nick said. “He’s going to be declared officially nuts and be locked up. He ain’t coming back and even if he did, his family’s dead. Kim’s spoken to a lawyer and they reckon that under the circumstances, it shouldn’t be too difficult to revert all the property the Seeds bought up back to the original owners now that there’s no one who officially owns it.” He grinned. “And I reckon the gov’ment won’t argue too much, given they did shit to help us.”

“We should even be able to spruce up a building to act as a police station,” Grace said, flicking a brief grin at Aaron.

“You’re all assuming I’m going to say yes,” Aaron said dryly.

“Well, ain’t ya?” Sharky exclaimed incredulously. “I mean, who’s going to look after Boomer and Peaches and ol’ Cheeseburger if you go?”

Boomer whined pathetically and gave Aaron an impressive set of puppy eyes and outside he heard Peaches yowl and Cheeseburger roar as though they’d heard and understood what Sharky said. He shook his head and laughed at all of them.

“Well, we can’t have them being abandoned,” he said with a smile.

“Hell, yeah,” Sharky yelled, pumping his fist with triumph.

“Stop that,” Kim said, smacking Sharky on the arm. “Don’t you let these idiots push you into something you don’t want to do, Deputy.”

Aaron chuckled. “It’s okay. I was pretty well convinced after Hudson spoke to me.”

“Awesome,” Nick said, his grin wide and happy. “Our daughter needs her godfather around.”

Aaron leaned back on the couch and just smiled. It wasn’t going to be easy cleaning up this mess but it’d be worth it to make sure these people would be looked after.

#far cry 5 #far cry #fc5 #fic #writing #just my own personal indulgence

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katblu42 · 3 years

Text

I have tossed up whether or not to post this, but I've decided to just go ahead and see how it lands. It is very personal to me, and I'm posting it because today is 2 years since I had to say goodbye.

This is basically a rambling vent that came out after the most traumatic period of my life so far. I needed to write it all down, chronicle it and get it out of my head, and the original destination for it was (my other) fandom.

It is more detailed than the story I posted earlier in the week, but it requires all the same warnings for some pretty unpleasant stuff. Please take heed before continuing.

Warnings for Death Illness Hospital Cancer (Medical) Drugs Medical Procedures CPR

Deep breath Late in 2018 my husband, S, began complaining of a sore throat. He's the kind of male who won't go to the doctor unless he is literally dying. He finally went to his GP in January and was told there was an issue that needed more investigating. He was supposed to go back to the GP in 2 weeks, but we were on holidays then, so he ended up not going back until mid March. GP sent him to a specialist, but the earliest appointment was early April. Consultation, camera down the throat and $400 later the specialist says Cancer - two of them, one in the mouth, one in the throat. Next appointment is the biopsy. By now S has lost almost 20kg because he struggles to eat (and because apparently Cancer can do that to a person anyway). Now there are appointments at the local hospital with the Radiation Therapy Dr, the specialist in Chemotherapy and a dental team (who wanted to take all his back teeth out at first, but changed their minds when they saw where the mouth cancer was, and how hard it was for S to open his mouth wide). During all this I'm still juggling work commitments as we are building up to one of our busiest periods, which covers pretty much the entire month of May. I'm sharing appointment chauffeuring duties with his Dad. It is decided that due to S's weight loss and difficulty eating it is advisable to put a feeding tube (that they call a peg) in his stomach. This is basically a precaution in case he can no longer swallow anything at some point during early treatment. Surgery after Chemotherapy begins will be difficult to recover from. As it turns out the peg is never actually used for feeding S. The first cycle of Chemotherapy begins on Wednesday 8th May. The plan was to do at least 2, probably 3 cycles of Chemo and then begin combination Radiotherapy/Chemo. At first things seem to be going okay. Three medications are administered as part of the Chemo - 2 are done on the Wednesday at the Cancer Clinic, and the third he has to carry around with him for 5 days, returning on Sunday to have the rig removed once that one is done. The peg starts leaking during these 5 days. He is given advice over the phone not to worry about the leak - but I wonder about that advice. I can't be with S all day - work is busy, and he's a grown up who can ask for help if he needs it. Only he's the kind of male who will not make a fuss if he's feeling "not okay". By Tuesday (14th May) S is not feeling much like "eating" - which consists of swallowing soft stuff like milkshakes, jelly (jello), custard and the like - and I basically have to force him to go for a walk around the block with me, just to keep him from lying on the couch all day. (Tuesday is my regular day off). He seems okay, in the "so-so" sense rather than the "fine" sense. He's not particularly nauseous, just a bit Blah. Wednesday - while I'm at work - S stays home all day, which is unusual for him. He is a social butterfly who can't resist going across the road to the Bowling Club just to sit with his mates for a bit. The peg is still leaking, and he feels tired and a bit yuck. By now I have asked him a few times if I should be calling the hospital for advice and he says no - doesn't want to make a fuss. I don't stress too much because he has an appointment at the hospital on Thursday - it's with a Social Worker, but I know that he will be at the hospital, where they will ask him how he's feeling, and if they think he needs something they will take care of him. Thursday comes and he doesn't want to get out of bed. I go to work, telling him to make sure he gets to his appointment, even if he doesn't feel like going. His Dad calls me at lunch time and tells me S didn't go to the appointment. He got in the car, they got down the road, then S told his Dad to just take him home. His Dad tells me S doesn't look good, he thinks S should be in hospital and I wonder why he didn't take S straight there if he was that worried. I get home just after 5pm and S is in bed feeling miserable. I don't get much of a good look at him - the room is dark - but he talks

to me. He's not feeling nauseous, not throwing up, but also not eating or moving much. Over the next few hours he's up and down to the toilet at least once an hour. I ask if he has diarrhoea, because if he does I should take him to hospital. He says no, "not much is coming out". It's after 10pm, Thursday 16th May, when he calls out to me from the bathroom. Something about the way he calls out makes me get straight up to see what's wrong - normally I yell back "what's wrong?" or "just a minute", but this time I think I had an instinct that said something was wrong. I find him sitting on the toilet, slumped forward with his head between his knees. He can talk to me at this point, but I have to help him sit up - he really can't move - and his skin is quite yellow (which alarms me). By the time I have him sitting upright he's not talking to me any more, his eyes are only half open and not blinking and he can't squeeze my hand. I run and get my phone and call an ambulance. Now his breathing is laboured, and as the emergency call taker is asking me to "say now every time he takes a breath" his gasps are getting further apart. I have to get him clumsily onto the floor of our tiny, narrow bathroom and give him chest compressions. 2 ambulances are on their way. Minutes later I have 4 ambulance crew members working on my husband in our tiny bathroom, and I have no idea what is going on. By midnight S is in emergency at the local hospital, and I'm in a private waiting room, alone. I call my Mum - I've already called his Dad on my way to the hospital in my car (they didn't take me in the ambulance). It's about 12:30 when a doctor comes to talk to me. Infection. Kidneys and liver struggling. Blood pressure through the floor. No white blood cells. This is by no means good. By the time I get to see him in Emergency I have my Mum and his Dad with me. S is basically in an induced coma and about to be moved up to ICU. It's about 1:30am. Once he's moved to ICU we wait in another waiting room for more news. A surgical consultant comes and sees us - I think it's nearly 3am - she says surgery is not an option. The infection is in his digestive system. There is no clear area to surgically remove, and his system is so weak it would not take well to surgery anyway. S's Dad leaves soon after that. This is hard for him. It was only 3 years ago that he was here in this very ward with his wife. This is where she passed away after an infection she just could not fight. He tells me "don't let them put him down" - I guess because he had to make that decision for his wife/S's Mum. I think it's after 6:30am when I decide to go to the intercom and buzz the nurses station to find out what's going on. They let us in to see him. All they can tell us is that they are throwing every kind of medical support they can at him in the hope they can help him fight off the infection - blood products, meds to raise the blood pressure, antibiotics. He's been ventilated through a tube in his mouth since the ambulance. They have to run a heating vent to raise his body temperature. They let me into the room, but I see no point in holding his hand or anything - he is unconscious, he won't know I'm there. We go home. I had about 3 hours sleep. By the time I could crawl into bed it was about 8am. By 11am people are starting to text me asking what's going on, checking if I'm okay. I had managed to text my boss about needing to call an ambulance while I was in the emergency waiting room. He's now replied to say I don't need to be at work today, but in the back of my mind is the fact that I have a show to work on, starting on Sunday - we are so busy that there will be no one else who can replace me on this show. (And we had a Federal Election on Saturday as well, so I was going to have to fit voting in around visiting S). At some point on this day a doctor calls me to get permission to administer a drug to S. This drug is not approved for use in Australia, but it is approved in the US. As a result they will have to ship it in from interstate, because there is not much

stock in the country, and I have to sign my permission for them to use it. It is a reversal drug for the 5 day chemo medication. It works best if administered soon after the chemo treatment - we are already past the ideal timeframe, but it is our best shot at helping S. S is unconscious and fighting for the next couple of days, and I'm half dreading that call that says things have taken a turn for the worse, come now! Instead, I see him for a short period each day, but he doesn't know I'm there. And I keep doing the work I have to do - at least this show is close to home for me, and close to the hospital. He is being supported by the blood pressure medication (Noradrenaline) which they are slowly able to reduce in dose, his temperature is stabilising, and the chemo reversal drug has had some positive effect. His white cell count is coming up - probably with the help of the blood products he's been given. By Tuesday 21st May S is awake and aware, and they have been able to remove the ventilator tube. The Physio is concerned about how weak he is - movement in his arms and legs is limited. He is breathing on his own, but it's hard work because his muscles are weak. His lips and mouth have been bleeding a bit around where the tube was. Still, we are seeing slow, small improvements and hoping for the best. On Friday they have to re-insert the breathing tube - he is too weak to maintain his breathing without assistance. This is a set-back, and comes with a warning that the breathing tube can't stay in his mouth/throat for too long, because it can cause all kinds of complications, especially in his compromised state. They tell me that without marked improvement soon they may have to perform a tracheotomy and insert the ventilator there. By this stage they have moved from nasogastric feeding to Parenteral nutrition (intravenously). The peg is still leaking. I'm now getting into a rhythm visiting S when I can for as long as I can around my work hours, and answering enquiries about his health and well wishes from family and friends on both my phone and his. I no longer have rehearsals every night, and the weekend's performances go pretty well. I know he's still critical, but he's stable and despite the set back S seems to be on a path of slight improvement again. The next set-back comes in the form of a flare up of the infection. The gut is still very inflamed - particularly the bowel. More blood products, more antibiotics, Noradrenaline dosage increased again. There is a mention that he probably has a slow internal bleed somewhere. Clotting is a problem - the bleeding in his lips and mouth is evidence of this too. Before I go to my Friday show I have to sign the permission for them to perform the tracheotomy - they've decided it needs to be done, and an emergency surgical team will do it but it could be a day or two before the operation actually goes ahead. Through this entire week S has been awake and aware, communicating with me as best he can around the breathing tube and the bleeding lips, which are scabby and sore. He is still very much alive mentally, still able to laugh at our corny jokes and request the music be turned up! Being in ICU he's not allowed flowers of gifts or anything, but they did allow me to take in a little blue tooth speaker so he could have the radio on all day. I see him as early as visiting hours allow on Saturday 1st June - his 42nd birthday. I have 2 shows on this day, and won't be able to see him again until Sunday. I leave the hospital soon after his Dad and brother arrive for a visit, around 11:30. Around 12:30, while I'm running sound checks for the matinee show, I get a phone call asking me for permission to do the tracheotomy. At first this confuses me - they have permission already. Apparently they are now doing it in ICU, not in the emergency theatre or wherever. He was more drowsy on the Sunday, after the tracheotomy, but still essentially in the same condition - stable. I cried off sick for work on Monday and spent a bit more time with him - I knew I had to be at work on

Tuesday for a morning staff meeting. The hospital social worker called me before I went to visit S, wanting to arrange a "family meeting" for this week some time. At first we settled on Friday morning, but later they asked me if we could arrange a time earlier in the week. After re-arranging my work schedule we agreed on 3pm Tuesday, even though S's Dad would not be able to be there anymore. Then I arrived for my Monday visit with S. We had the radio on - S likes to have music playing, even when he's falling asleep - and the announcers were talking about the State of Origin (a Rugby League series of 3 matches between rival state teams, New South Wales and Queensland). I told him I'd make sure we put the radio on the right station on Wednesday night so he could listen. Suddenly the most important thing in the world for him was finding a way to be able watch the game! I told him I'd find a way. Tuesday comes and I get through my staff meeting and a few other things on my now half day before running back to the hospital for this family meeting. It turns out this is just me, S, his ICU team, his oncology team and the social working re-capping what S has been through so far, and then scaring me (and more so S) by saying out loud the words "Palliative care". Essentially they are telling us we are out of further options. He is being given everything possible to assist recovery - the blood pressure meds are now at a low dose, but they still have to support his blood pressure, he is still on a ventilator to assist his breathing, the infection is still not improving, but it has not got worse, they have run out of different antibiotics to throw at the infection, it still seems the bleed is present, the scabs on his lips are still apt to bleed more than they should if they are disturbed. If his organs start to fail there will be nothing they can do - surgery will more than likely not be an option, and one failure will lead to another until his heart, then brain will go and that will be it. So, if we start to see organ failure palliative care becomes the only option. This is the point at which I am in disbelief. He can't be that bad. He is still totally alive mentally. How can we be discussing "making him comfortable until he dies"? And S is even more disbelieving and scared than me at those words. Yes S has looked better, yes he has spent over 2 and a half weeks in ICU, yes he has a lot more hard fighting to do if he's ever going to beat this, but his brain is fine, he is completely aware of where he is and what's going on around him - just a bit inclined to tire quickly. I stay with him longer than I intend to that night because he starts to complain of stomach pain. It gets worse. Really bad. They give him morphine. He says it doesn't help. His breaths start hitching, like something is stabbing him or something. He finally gives me the description "like hiccoughs, but sore". I can see how swollen his stomach is - fluid retention. And he is also complaining that he wants to lie on his side. We have to wait ages for the right number of people to be available to turn him on his side, to a more comfortable position. But his stomach is still giving him intense pain and whatever spasms are causing the breath hitches and grimaces. I have to leave him like that - in pain, but with the nurse on duty doing whatever he can to ease the discomfort, administering Morphine whenever possible - visiting hours are over and I'm asked to leave. On my way to work on Wednesday morning (5th June) I get a call from the head doctor in S's ICU team. He wants to know what time I can be there today - S has had major abdominal pain since last night (I know, I was there!), and they are investigating the cause, but it looks like the kidneys are failing. He tells me he will update me via text when he knows more, I tell him I will get there as soon as I can after work. I get no texts all day. I get to the hospital around 4:45pm - armed with the all important iPad mini for him to watch the State of Origin game on (yes, that is still a priority for S! God

love him!!). I'm told S has been taken for a scan and I need to come back in about an hour. So, when I return and he's back from the scan, I get the iPad hooked in to the Wifi and open the app he needs. Then I have to have the conference with the doctor. His kidneys have failed. Fluid is building up in his stomach. They want my permission to put a drain directly in his belly to ease the pressure. I give it. I have to wait outside while they get this done. There is a brief discussion about surgery - but that would literally be futile. Again we have the conversation about palliative care. This is the beginning of the end. His body is shutting down. S can't fathom this. He says the words that still break my heart, pointing to his head to indicate his mind he mouths "I'm still alive". He has so much to say, but we can't understand him through the scabs on his lips and his inability to make any real sounds. We try to get him to write things down, but his hands are really too weak. The doctor has asked if he wants to have the pain medication increased so he can slip away peacefully. The sentence he writes is "I just want to see how I go" - he wants so badly to keep fighting. He doesn't want to die. Once the doctor is sure he is comfortable for now he leaves us to watch the game - no S has not forgotten the game! He does not administer the pain medication, but he gives the authorisation for its use once S requests it. And although I had not planned to stay and watch the game (which starts around the time visiting hours end), I do. They let me stay. He nods off a bit during the second half, but I know how much seeing it means to him, so I rouse him for the good bits, and make sure he sees the end - a good result for him, a come-from-behind win for his team. I say my goodnight and leave S to get some sleep. I have told my boss how dire things are, and he has told me I have leave starting now for as long as I need. I get a call around 9:30 on Thursday morning asking me what time I will be getting to the hospital. Apparently S has been asking for me. I had a couple of things to do before I could get there, so I arrive just after 11:30am. S is not as awake and aware as he was last night. They have started giving him the pain medication (Fentanyl) the doctor was talking about, and it has affected S's ability to focus, and therefore communicate. He has apparently been asking what's going on - last night he knew the story, now he's unclear. I wish they had held off on administering the drug. I would have liked to speak to my clear headed husband today. His kidneys have failed, the liver is failing. We are out of options. His Dad and brother are in and out today - we are kind of rotating our breaks until early afternoon. A Palliative Care consultant, and the social worker and the nurse looking after S want to have a meeting with me, and it takes me longer than it should to realise that this meeting is for me to give the final word on the beginning of the end. They are focusing on making sure I am okay with what's about to happen. Making sure I know that I have the final say, and once I give the go ahead they will stop all meds that aren't making him comfortable - the Fentanyl dose will increase, but the feeding, the antibiotics and finally the Noradrenaline will be stopped. It will then be a matter of minutes or hours before he is gone. I know they are trying to be helpful, but having them ask if I'm okay, having them tell me how strong I have been for him and how much of an advocate for him I have been is only making my heart break more. That afternoon, his brother, sister-in-law and their 4 kids, my brother and sister-in-law and 2 of their kids all come in to say their farewells. The Fentanyl dose has already been increased, so S knows they are there, but he is so drowsy it's hard for him to open his eyes. His sister-in-law wants to stay with me. She doesn't seem to understand I need to be alone with S for this. But, at last she gives me space. I'm the one who has to give the green light. It's really hard to do, but I know we

are out of options. As soon as they stop the blood pressure medication (Noradrenaline), S opens his eyes and looks at me. He is as focused as I have seen him all day, his grip on my hand is desperately strong, and I explain to him one final time what is happening, tell him I love him, tell him I'm sorry things turned out this way, sorry for all the things we had planned that we won't get to do together, and tell him it's time to stop fighting and just let go. I try to tell him not to worry about anything or anyone, that it's okay to go. I hope he understands. It must be about 40 minutes before he is unconscious. They stop the ventilator. I turn off the radio - he can't hear it anymore, and he and I have different taste in music! I know he can't feel it anymore, but I won't let go of his hand until he's gone. He holds on for over an hour without the ventilator. Then there are no more breaths. I know he's gone. His hand is already much cooler than it was an hour or so ago. I am a widow. It has happened so fast. It feels strange, but I don't think the full weight has hit me yet. I am bursting into tears at random moments. I am thinking of stupid things like "what am I going to do with all these Fruit Loops - he eats those, not me!", instead of dwelling on the hard things like having a funeral to arrange, and dealing with all the people who keep wanting to do things for me, or stay with me.

That was two years ago now. In excess of 300 people came to his funeral service - a testament to how many friends he made, how many lives he brightened just that little bit with his generous spirit and ever-present smile. Of course, I still miss him. I still have my teary moments. I still struggle with guilt. But I remember his smile, his laugh, the way he would sing along to the music and make up his own words (often to make the song about us), his spontaneous dancing and all the love!

#grief/mourning #death tw #cancer tw #hospital #illness tw #medical procedure #medical drugs #tw cpr

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