#my full time job is so wack and i kinda hate it even though its only been one month | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

autumn-foxfire · 4 years

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Ragdoll works in the office, and Mirio is still on leave. Of course Hawks isn't useless because of this injuries, but I do think if he tried to go for a career outside of it being hero-matters related and outside of something he already has connections with. I don't know if anyone is gonna hire him. Hence 'the useless wandering around' U.A doesn't even seem to require teacher training to teach. Recommendations work like Midnight did with Aizawa. And All Might sure has no teaching degree. 1

I wouldn't be surprised if Hawks ends up spending his time working at the HC full-time, it's like how some kids can immediately start working for their parents company. Or if he ends up teaching the next generation. As sad as I am over him retiring this young, it's whatever. Just how things go, a character doesn't like teaching the protag kids??? No we can't have that. Boom, now that's what your gonna do now. 2

Learn to love them and put all your faith in children because you adults are screwed up and tiny teenagers are gonna save the world over professionals, just your usual shonen stuff. At least they're not eleven years old or five, Naruto did some wack things. Its like when someone who doesn't like the main character ends up begrudingly admiring them after they themselves are turned totally pathetic. 3

I dunno maybe I'm just tired of next gen stuff because my teacher basically said that eventually nothing I do will matter because newer people are going to surpass and replace me because that's just how it works. And as a kid your expected to already be doing crazy impressive things 'look at your friend already going to university at 16' and sometimes that just doesn't happen and seeing the U.A kids in healthy, succeeding enviornments I'm salty and wow this derailed so fast. Sorry bout that. 4

Ah, I forgot about that actually, thanks for pointing out anon (Though I don’t know why she would be any different considering her quirk was search, it’s not exactly offensive in nature). It would be nice for him to focus his energy somewhere else too, maybe find something else to do other then hero work and only return to it when he’s ready. I could also see him taking a job at the HPSC if it really came to it though if he did I think he would also fight for change (or maybe that’s wishful thinking)

I was actually discussing with a friend about how I don’t like Hawks being shifted into the ‘failure generation’ of adults considering he’s only 6/7 years older then the students. He’s been a hero for 5 years tops, he’s a baby compared to other heroes.

Don’t worry about complaining, while I expected it because it’s a shonen manga, I also hate when the fate of the world is placed solely on the teenagers shoulders and the adults are completely shafted to be useless. I kinda hoped BNHA would be another shonen that fought against that norm but it’s not appearing very likely (Goodbye Crust, we hardly knew you, literally.)

Also, to get a bit more personal (I’m not going to put this in the BNHA tags for this reason), your teacher was a piece of shit. I know that probably sounds harsh but someone who tells you your potential is wasted because other people will be better are just bitter. Yes, we as humans now are smarter then our ancestors but it’s only because they laid the groundwork that we managed to succeed as well as we have. Life isn’t a race, hell you might not even want to go to uni and who’s to say the kid that goes at 16 doesn’t look at their degree in the future and think ‘what the hell am I gonna do with this?’.

Maybe it’s cheesy for me to say, but you have made an impact! You sent an ask to me about our shared hobby and made me think about my own opinions on the subject! I wouldn’t say that’s wasting you’re potential in any way! Instead I would say that you’re pretty impressive ^w^

Don’t sell yourself short anon!!

#personal #thanks for the ask!!#sorry I'm not putting this in the main tag #It fell into personal discussion #Anonymous

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cyanpeacock · 4 years

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Realtalk(tm): Daily Life And Shit Like That

OK, another reasonably good day?

I feel okay about myself. I sorted something out with my welfare advisor and then did a bunch of my structural cell biology tutorial work. Some fun things in there, cytoskeletons are very cool.

Went to counselling after that. I was... surprised, because I was anxious, and my brain clocked out a few times talking about difficult things, and I cried several times?

I’m like... okay.

This doesn’t feel as bad as it used to, but it’s obviously still, like... interfering with my living. I’m getting through my days quietly covering up tears and suchlike. I don’t react very well to physical proximity, and conversation still makes me anxious enough to lose track of things, but I can cope with it?

I did forget to eat properly. I’ve had three coffees and a banana. I have a sandwich I’m eating right now, which is like, okay? It’s food and I’m thankful to have it. Also got ready meals in the fridge, so if I get hungry later I’ll have something quick and easy to consume.

Man, like, it’s a lot. It’s all been a heck of a lot. I’m very glad I have these two years part-time to slow down, and make some sense of things.

Uhh... coherent narrative?

Born into a nasty shitty house in a nasty shitty part of a broadly very well-off country.

Dad yells at and hits mum. Mum yells at and hits me. Dad’s mum and mum’s mum probably did the same.

It does not feel good, right, or normal.

I hear a speaker give a presentation on abuse in primary school, and recognise what’s happening to me in it.

I have trouble in school, lash out at teachers, I struggle badly emotionally with things I don’t understand.

Police and social services get involved briefly, then abandon the case. Mental health services get involved, promptly break confidentiality, and I take this badly, because I’m a vulnerable child. Mum now knows she has a crazy kid who hears voices. I tried to keep this a secret, because I knew she wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with that.

Things get worse. School refusal, lashing out, blah blah.

Mum tries to do better. I don’t trust her. She gets it badly wrong, often. I’m confused, I’m anxious, I’m depressed, I’m suicidal, I’m self-harming.

I go to secondary school. The school has virtually no pastoral care, a bullying culture (students and teachers alike), and cares more about its league tables than the welfare of its students. I’m a Problem Child(tm) with great grades, so they put an extra shitton of pressure on me specifically, because I’m ~gifted and talented~.

Things get worse, I self-harm more, I get more anxious, I’m frequently suicidal.

Mum goes through a few partners. One sticks around, they want to get married at first, they end up in a horrible fight, I get dragged into it, I feel responsible for mediating and keeping the peace, I can’t do this because of my position in life.

The conflict gets really bad. I’m basically tearing myself apart to try and withstand the pressure. Living with my mother makes me feel like shit, because she can’t take care of me emotionally, I need professional support. Stepdad does better with it, but is still an ass, just a different kind. They’re framing all this as some kind of political conflict, I guess because those were the terms they fundamentally disagreed on.

I fucking snap, because doing A-levels at this shitty secondary school is killing me, and living with my birth family is draining me so badly, and it all Takes the Piss(tm), so one night I find I can’t cross the threshold into my mum’s home and end up on a late train to Leicester.

I don’t make it all the way, so I “sleep” overnight in a bus station in Nottingham in the middle of winter, freezing my little tits off.

I make it to Leicester in the morning. Hooray. Move in with stepdad, things turn much better! For a while.

I’m still unhappy. I get prescribed cocodamol for headaches, instead of triptans for migraine, and I get addicted. I’m still self-harming. I’m in a relationship, and I’m insecure as hell, and I’m seriously harming the people I love.

I go to college. I start A-levels again. Relationship falls apart. I’m depressed, suicidal, self-harming, anxious, etc etc etc. Overdosing a lot. My stepdad is losing patience with me. Eventually I come home late, we get into a physical altercation, I end up on the street because I’m not going back to that bastard, and I don’t feel safe or happy living with my mother.

Cops pick me up and take me to hospital (familiar place by this point). I’m there for a while. They end up discharging me to the street. I declare myself homeless to the council, show up at college an absolute state, end up getting a call saying there’s a room for me in the YMCA.

I move into the YMCA. It... is a homeless hostel. Drugs help it feel less shit. By this point I’m like, a full-time pothead and pill popper. Benefits are fucked, I have to work alongside full-time college, I don’t get along with the other residents. I get all eating-disordered. I’m seeing a counsellor by this point, who actually helps, unlike all the mental health professionals I’ve seen before.

I finish my A-levels. I do quite well. I get a council flat.

Move into council flat. Sad and lonely. Glad to have a place, alone as fuck in the world, furious and hurt. Still doing drugs, when I can afford them. I’m beyond pissed with the people who raised me, I’m hearing them yelling at me even though nobody is in the room, it’s ugly. Somewhere in this period I get a diagnosis of BPD.

I start at university. I have no idea how I’m supposed to treat myself, and burn out halfway to the end of the year. Crisis team gets involved a lot. I find my counsellor privately, and start seeing him again. I take up a meditation practice. It helps, mostly.

The university let me finish year 1 the next academic year, and agree to let me study part-time for second year. I’m still very unstable, I’m kicking my codiene habit, I’m working on things like breath control and grounding techniques that just made me furious and miserable every time I’d tried them before.

I finish first year, with flying colours. Summer holidays come. I quit smoking pot, I hate my antipsychotic (it does its job, but I feel like shit on it), my antidepressant is making me manic but I don’t know it. My antidepressant is stopped by the doctors, and I refuse to take my ugly slow zombie antipsychotic.

I go absolutely mental.

Full psychotic mania. MHS let me down again by refusing to acknowledge my concerns when I do get to see them. I go battier and battier until I tear apart my council flat and go AWOL. I’m running all over the shop completely out of my mind. People I’d trusted would help me, don’t help me. Hospitals admit and discharge me on the same day. MHS are suddenly very concerned about me, despite the resounding lack of fucks given by the psychiatrist who saw me as my breakdown was Escalating(tm).

So yeah, I’m wack. Trauma. Stress. Withdrawal. My ego is dead. I’m running around on trains all over the country. There are six men living in this body. Alright. Okay. This is fun, and painful, and... oh, wait, these guys really love each other? Huh.

The university steps in when I end up sneaking into a building on campus and sleeping there overnight. They put me into halls temporarily, help me out with finance and admin, and contact medical professionals to try and convene a case review. Counsellor sees me through part of my psychotic break.

Eventually I clear up my flat. I move back in. I’m... okay?

I’m literally just like, okay, well, this might as well happen?

I stumble with drugs a few times, I keep working on my Coping Skills(tm), I notice I’m using coping skills without consciously going “OKAY shit I need to use a Skill(tm) here”. I go to university. I cope well enough.

I’m processing my whole psychotic experience. I take it a lot of ways. Eventually I understand the world my brain created as a reflection of the world I’ve seen right in front of me. I lived there. It wasn’t really any different to anything I’d seen before? Actually, it was kinda better, I wanted it all to stay, the six guys I was really loved each other, and it was nice to feel that.

I clock something. Oh? Humans need... humans need other humans? Like, they don’t, but... ah, fuck, like, I require this? Like, if I’m gonna live A Full Life(tm)? They’re not all going to hurt me? There is the possibility for love without a history of serious, self-destroying hurt?

I start believing that I really could just, like... meet people? Talk to them? Make a friend? And that it could feel good, instead of just like, a painful and exhausting chore? I start thinking about where I might go, and when, and my mind gives me less reasons not to show up.

So... that’s where I’m at?

Uh, okay.

What... do I make of myself?

Sick man. Getting better. Coping with it?

Okay. That’s alright. I can keep working with that?

#trauma #suicide #self harm #fliptext

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foundcarcosa · 6 years

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cccxxv.

As of this minute, what is going through your mind? >> Realising I didn’t open my beer, so I’m going to do that as soon as I stop typing this. What are you currently listening to? >> The Death of Love, Cradle of Filth. Has anyone ever said something that brought tears to your eyes? >> Sure. Can Calah is good at that. Has anyone let you down recently? >> No.

What were you doing at 10:00 am this morning? >> I think I was checking my social media and also beginning to deliberate about whether I wanted to go outside even though it was raining or not.

Do you feel like you have life figured out? >> I’m at the point where I assume that life isn’t something one “figures out”, but one just experiences and does one’s best with. It’s not a fuckin math problem. Do you have on makeup? >> No. What mood are you in right now? >> A neutral one, but easily elevated (or depressed, depending) due to slight intoxication. Looking forward to anything? >> Getting out of suburban shut-in hell for a couple of days (my birthday trip). Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to? >> Can Calah is the only person I have no mental blocks against talking to. Sometimes the mental blocks have less to do with the other person and more to do with past experience, so it’s not like I truly believe certain other people wouldn’t be receptive -- I just... have a hard time. Have you lived in the same town your entire life? >> Not at all. Would you say you’re an understanding person? >> My cognitive empathy is pretty well-developed out of sheer necessity (gotta fill in the affective-empathy blank somehow, if I’m going to be a well-rounded person worth associating with), but there are always going to be weak spots in it because I can’t anticipate every human response. Also, how well I use my cognitive empathy depends on how much mana I have that day. It is sorcery, after all. Do you hate being alone? >> I don’t hate being alone, I hate feeling alone. Are you a loud person? >> Generally not. Were you happy when you woke up today? >> No, because I think I woke up to noise. But I also woke up to Can Calah, so, it evened out. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? >> I don’t think so. Do you miss the way things used to be? >> I miss some things. But there are pros and cons to everything. How has the week been? >> Short, considering it’s only Monday. Do you plan on getting your hair cut anytime soon? >> Yeah, I think I should probably cut my hair again tomorrow. Now, whether I will have the executive function for it or not is a different story. Do you wish you could tell someone something big, but can’t? >> I mean, it’s not that I can’t. It’s more like... it needs its space to be said. Also, it’s not like, something that needs to be SAID in one SINGLE MOMENT, it’s just kinda... a conversation. Not just me rambling on and on like I’m the only important voice in the dialogue. Ya dig? Ready for winter to come? >> Hell fucking no, I haven’t even gotten to kiss Summer full on the lips yet. Have you ever been called beautiful? >> Sure.

Say something about the first person you kissed this year? >> Uh... she’s a spa care specialist or something. I forget the actual job title but that sounds at least 75% right. When was the last time you were truly and completely happy? >> Uh. Do you currently have a hickey? >> No. Did you talk to your father today? >> No. Are you starting to realize anything? >> Realisation is so slow that it’s invisible until seen in hindsight, so. Do you bite your fingernails? >> Nope. Do you like Mexican food? >> Sure. Do you want someone back in your life? >> I got the person I wanted back in my life. Everyone else I ‘lost’ is on a “meh” basis. Like, I can live with or without, ya dig. Have you ever in anyway, been betrayed by someone you trust? >> I don’t think so. At what age do you want to get married? >> Meh. Where were you at two this morning? >> In bed. Who was the last person you had an argument with? >> I don’t remember. Do you think things will change in the next few months? >> That’s literally how life works. What are you doing today? >> Well, even though it was raining, I let Can Calah convince me to walk to the northerly intersection-- I JUST REMEMBERED I RENTED SOMETHING FROM REDBOX I should actually uhhh watch it lmao --so I went to the Redbox and the liquor store and the Speedway and the Dollar Tree. And then took the bus back home. And now I’m just drinking and messing around on the internet. I should have watched the movie lmao but I straight-up forgot I had it. Later, then. It’s raining and I actually want to smoke with Kris/Hallie and watch the movie. It’s The Greatest Showman, it looks fun. Blah. Whatever. Is there snow on the ground where you are? >> No. Thank the fucking gods. Have your past mistakes made you wiser? >> Some of them have, some of them haven’t. As it goes.

Next time you will kiss someone? >> I don’t know. Why aren’t you with the person you’re in love with? >> Well, I’m with Sparrow. The other person just lives so far away. And I never have money to travel. But at least the internet exists. What a time to be alive. Do you hate the last person you kissed? >> No. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? >> Sure. Would you ever get a tattoo? >> I have three, so yes, it’s safe to say that I would definitely get a tattoo at any point had I the money. Did you sleep alone last night? >> Physically, yeah. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? >> With.

Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone? >> Yeah. If the last person you kissed said that you were the only one they wanted? >> “Well, that’s... fine, I guess.” LOL that sounds like a wack answer but like... I don’t mean it to sound unenthusiastic, it’s just... not as romantic-sounding to me. It puts a lot of expectation on me to continue to be that same person that they always want me to be. And it’s patently proven that I am a constantly changing individual by design. If [me as you know me right now] is the only person you want, then does that mean you will also only want [me in the future] or will you go “you’re not the person I thought you were!” and break it off? Also, does that mean you want me to reciprocate? Because I guarantee you as a polyam person you will NOT be the only one I want, so will that upset you? Because if so, we need to talk about that. I want to point out something else -- the way that I answered this question is so extra that sometimes I wonder how anyone would want me.

#surveysofsamedi #surveys

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