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tyonfs · 1 year

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besties (gone sexual) was so good!!!!! i wasn’t expecting it to be as huge as it was (literally fell asleep at 4:30 am last night trying to finish it but i still had like a third left 😭) but it was soooo worth it!!! it also didn’t feel like it was that huge tho??? a lot of stuff happened but you did so good at explaining and why. even the 3 times jaemin got puked on, that was some beautiful karmic timing imo. speaking of karma i think the amount of bad luck jaemin has to suffer was such a good way to keep him redeemable despite sometimes an absolute douchebag. a lovable douchebag tho. the amount of times i cackled in this fic tho!!! obviously the other installments of bitch hunters werr humorous too, but the addition of jisung, sungchan, yangyang, and hendery coming it to occasionally dunk on jaemin, too, when he deserves it was just *chef’s kiss*. i also think the length is justified because their situation is more complicated and nuanced than jeno and renjun who were just getting to know new people, and even hyuck who was making his situation complicated himself. jaemin and oc have so much history between them, literal years of friendship and complicated feelings. it’s kinda obvious by the end that the reason for jaemin douchebagginess to a lot of those girls was because he was so in love with oc and refusing to even consider that as possibility so he just rejects the idea of a relationship because also being with someone else seems impossible. ngl i did choke up a little when he makes the conclusion that in order to let his best friend try to be in a happy relationship, he has to extract himself from the equation because he wouldn’t be able to even be her friend in that circumstance. he didn’t have to make her cry tho!! but as someone who can also be a little emotionally constipated i understand that line of thinking. needless to say i really enjoyed this fic. i previously said and they were roommates was my favorite installment was my favorite but ngl, besties gone sexual might be giving it run for its money 👀 i’m always going to have a weak spot for long-time-best-friends-turned-friends-with-benefits-turned-lovers. i’m also feeling so nostalgic now that the series is over!! i’m gonna miss the bitch hunters universe, there’s so much stuff i’m curious about, especially the og bitch hunters because these four made them sound almost…mythical. and then there’s mark. love how jaehyun just came in to give jaemin a rewording of the centuries old saying of “it’s meant to be it will come back to you eventually” and jaemin acted like it was the greatest revelation ever simply because it came from him. anyways, whew, this turned out longer than i intended it to but i just have so many thoughts. also it fitting for such a long story. anyways, i’m done. this was such treat to read as always. i hope you’re having a lovely day, take care!!! 😘💗

OMG IM SORRY IT KEPT YOU UP THAT LONG 😭😭 PLS READ IT IN BREAKS I DONT WANNA RUIN UR SLEEP 🤲 wait lemme put the rest of my response under the cut it’s a bit long 😵‍💫

ppl say my writing doesn’t feel like a lot, which i think is a good thing?? so maybe that’s why HAHHA but i promise it was 43k words i’m not capping 😰 LMAODJF jaemin truly deserved to be puked on 😭 especially when he started drinking after renjun was seeing god on the couch 🧎‍♀️

ahh yesyes i think so too!! i think they needed a bit more development to figure out their problems and situations, unlike jeno and renjun who were meeting their love interests for the first time 🥹 and then hyuck’s dilemma was more of an internal thing that he had to get over himself, but jaemin’s situation was a lot more messy and tangled. i’m rlly glad you liked the additions of other characters tho!! i love writing jisung tbh so i thought he would be funny to include HAHAH and his dynamic with jaemin is kinda wholesome in my eyes :’)

HONESTLY i’m a little emotionally constipated so there might have been some projection in this fic!! it’s true he definitely had (kinda??) good intentions for distancing himself from mc, but he went about it the wronggg way and made her cry 😭 LIKE BOOOOOO 👎👎🍅🍅🍅

WOWOW that actually makes me so happy to hear that besties (gone sexual) might be your fav in the series :’) hyuck’s installment and jaemin’s are definitely my fav and i’m just a sucker for best friends to lovers 🤧 it’s such a sweet trope but can segway into a lot of misunderstandings and angst HAHAH

HAHAHAH THEY WORSHIP THE OGS 🥲 “these four made them sound almost… mythical. and then there’s mark” I CACKLED LMFAOO yeah mark was NOT part of the og squad so he doesn’t get the legendary pokémon type treatment 😭🤚 it’s a good thing renjun didn’t witness that conversation or else he would’ve beaten jaemin up after for ignoring him the entire time until jaehyun parroted his words LOL

but thank you love for taking the time to write all of this and send it to me!!! it makes me so happy that you had so much to share about my fic and it literally had me rereading with a huge smile on my face :’)) i hope you’re having a wonderful day/night and taking care 💜💜

#asks #anon #fic: besties (gone sexual)

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vyl3tpwny · 3 years

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everything in my life is changing

there's no simple way of starting off a writing like this.

but lots of things in my life have been changing, both external and internal forces. i really want to talk about as much of it as i can.

this is sort of a mental health update, an overdue one.

voreburger made this art. im embracing the fact that im a creature nowadays.

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kicking old habits

it's sort of a weird think to think about how my first two years living independently have been defined by both the pandemic and the widespread unrest across the country in the most politically radicalized displays ive ever seen up close and with my own conscious experiences. it's been very terrifying, but sobering.

in all of that, though, i found myself arguing and fighting more online than i ever have. which is certainly saying something, if you know how i was in the past online. i think these days, my personal beliefs are far more noble and informed than in my past, but despite that i think it's been really unreasonable to go about life as i had been for a while. being confrontational and assertive in this way has always been a very unhealthy side of me.

needless to say, many of the events of the past year and a half — especially confrontations with people i had known before — ushered in a realization that this is something i need to change about myself. it didn't matter if what i was fighting for was moral or noble in any way. it's genuinely just time that i stopped fighting with people all the time. one of the biggest reasons i've accepted this is especially out of fear of going off on someone who genuinely isn't a bad person or acting out of place, and i'm just overreacting or whatever. in most cases, now, i think it's just best to remove myself from situations that could evoke those feelings and learn to be more graceful. its just bad for my mental health, and it's not like it helps anyone else's mental health either. i don't have to be everyone's teacher or moral compass. if someone's a passive asshole, i should probably just preserve my own energy and protect the people that matter to me.

i think this is healthier for everyone.

in general, the transition between teenager-ness and adulthood was so grey and uninformed. its so weird. when you become a legal "adult", it really doesnt feel like anything's changed. when you become aware of your responsibilities and start to examine aspects of yourself that are certainly negative or toxic especially as an adult, THEN it starts to feel like something is happening. but for a while, it was such a grey area and lots of things didnt make sense. i think i have a much better grip on who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing these days.

i took this photo back in late 2016 during some depressive episode. i used it for the cover of my small album project "apathy". its nostalgic and cool looking, but i cant help but think about how i was still very much an unhinged dickhead then. its amazing how much people just tolerated me somehow.

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cutiemarks; new traumas & old memories

cutiemarks is certainly the most personal and transparent music project i've ever made, and it's not a coincidence that it was written when it was. there are so many stories ive thought about in my head and they all began to fill my heart as drastic things began to happen throughout the last year and a half.

i'm grateful nobody's really prodded about it, but yeah i went through the hardest breakup and most intense social crisis i've ever faced in my entire life at the beginning of 2021. i examined the events of my life and personality as a result of it. i began to experience an unbearable and continued social anxiety and dysphoria unparalleled to anything i'd come to know as well. i'm still in that too, but i hung out with galaxysquid the other week. it was the first time in over a year i had chosen to see someone that isnt a roommate on my own accord. that was a big step for me. cutiemarks is what took shape from all this turmoil.

when thinking about my past memories, i go through a lot of my photos. but none compare to this one. i always come back to this one of me and sylver working on super pony world (2016) in 2015 at a coffee shop.

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accepting changes and learning things about myself

these are all big things. but as i worked and as i began to spend time in new spaces, falling in love with eden, and taking a step back from everything, i realized how much stuff was happening under the surface that was affecting me on a much bigger level than i would've ever expected.

i came to accept my being neurodivergent, something i never felt like i could've understood or accepted in the past. it explains so many things about myself and has helped me understand a lot of things that have long puzzled me. i've been discovering ways of articulating it all better and living with it. lots of things & mindsets i used to write off as trivial or unhelpful are now becoming important aspects of my life that help me stay organized and think better. it's all been positive. understanding how i process information and respond to things as a result of the way my brain works has been super important too. when things become less of a mystery about yourself, it's super cathartic and just opens up a whole buncha shit in your brain.

coming to terms with my introversion and boundaries is another huge thing. i've always been such a pushover when it comes to social things. it had gotten to the point where i was having panic attacks about like everything. so i've been putting my [hoof] down more about who i want to be around and what i want my spaces to look like. i still felt obligated to stay connected with lots of different people who'd been around since even my edgiest days. and again, i'm not going to be a moral compass for anyone, but i'm just not comfortable around those kinds of people anymore. i want to be around people who make me happy and comfortable. i want to be able to take a deep breath and relax.

setting more boundaries and unfollowing a lot of people who i felt obligated to has been something ive been needing to do too. and now i'm finally doing it. ive been too accessible and too open for too long, and it had gotten to the point where my current place as a creator and my level of introversion and lack of attention span has made it impossible to be who i used to be. i used to respond to every comment and answer every message and thats just totally unrealistic now!

this is literally how i feel (art made by eden <3)

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being a musician, shifts in perspective, and realizations

between antonymph and lesbian ponies with weapons, i think everyone can feel what i've been thinking lately. and that is: fuck it.

i grew up in music elitism in all the worst ways. i was always in all the wrong spaces, all of which often felt like they perpetuated elitism in some way. my ego was sooooooooo huge for the lonnnnnngest time and even when i finally stopped feeling so pretentious and competitive, feelings of being a perfectionist and feeling limited to what things i was allowed to do in creativity still persisted. after putting out "queen of misfits" i realized that i should be able to do whatever i want within moral reason. so i decided to do just that with the direction i shifted "fairytails" in — then even further with "cutiemarks".

i realized that feeling boxed in creatively perpetuated feelings of depression and competitiveness in the most unhealthy ways. learning to have fun and to create however i felt was huge.

i also realized ive felt inhibited by all my client work, and thats something im going to change a lot moving forward. it's felt difficult to work on any personal projects while client work has loomed over me. ive also definitely not been charging nearly enough to how much i should be. so, moving forward im going to raise my prices a lot more, take very limited slots, and be a lot more reasonable out of it. and i dont want to take anymore commissions for a while anyway. i have a huge queue and its only recently dawned on me how stressed out its been making me feel. i wanna power through everything i have in my queue and then just finally get to working on Promise Complex. i feel so giddy and excited thinking about all the ideas ive been ruminating on for years with regards to the album. i wanna get thru my commissions so i can finally make my dream album.

my creative space feels so comfortable and full though. its like whenever i have an idea for anything i can just jump right on it. its nice.

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so what does it all mean?

how do i summarize this. honestly, it's high time i lived my life the way i want to. i want to curate my own spaces without feeling guilty that someone will feel left out or jealous. i want to talk to who i want to and answer when i feel comfortable to, rather than doing anything because i feel obligated to. i want to be clear about my boundaries and not feel guilty for having them. i want to create in the ways i want to and denounce elitism for my sake and for the sake of other creators. i want to stop fighting and being a moral compass, especially so as not to hurt well-meaning people in the process. i need to be aware and attentive to how my brain works and just make all the right choices for myself.

i've been making new friends, embracing old ones, it all feels really good. honestly eden, pico/klez, lucas, bunny, izzy, hazel, jamie, kai, chiba, ricky, neko, you've all had such a huge influence on my life in the most positive ways possible. i'm so happy about life.

as a result of all the changes ive been making and all the shifts in my mentality, i've been able to talk about my problems more openly and transparently. i've been able to work out a lot of things and sort things out. it's so refreshing. it feels so refreshing to be able to just talk freely, tell people to their face how i'm feeling. no more games. no more hints. i love life and i love trying to feel positive. i've learned to deal with hard things with a smile, something i never expected to be able to do.

since the big breakup, things have improved for both of us and we're actually the best of friends and actually we're soooooo cool and we'll take on the world as best friends because we're so cool. i think bun is amazing and i think hazel is amazing too. i really love eden and i think we're going to do so many cool things too. as a result of falling in love with eden and making a lot of life changes, ive felt more expressive and colourful than ever before, which i think is something very different than what im used to. its a good thing. its all good shit. forever it felt like i didnt have real emotions and now theres colour in my cheeks as i can feel feelings for what seems like the first time ever.

so. i've learned to be graceful in new ways. and i've learned to be more assertive in others. all my friends are the coolest. eden is the love of my life. and i have so many things i want to create.

thanks for reading this all the way through if you did. it's not organized very well, but it articulates my feelings as they've come.

(we love each other actually)

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