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angel-deux-writes · 4 years

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Hi Angel! I've been a big fan of yours since HCM, and so I wanted to express my concern for your wellbeing. There was that big break when you took a month or so to finish HCM before posting it in quick succession, in order to not have to deal with the comments. Now, from what you've been writing in the notes to Dorne Rights, it looks like you are experiencing something similar. The selfish fan in me wants you to keep writing and keep posting, but the basic human in me is more worried that (1/2)

you are unhappy. Nothing is worth making yourself unhappy over, particularly not something that’s meant to give you pleasure. A favourite author of mine back in the days of my Spike/Angel obsession had a disclaimer on her stories telling readers to please not leave feedback of any kind, not even constructive criticism, on her fics because she finds them unhelpful. Her comment section was full of chats about various topics in that fandom, rather than her own fiction. Might help. (2/2)

Hello! I really appreciate this message, because you’re right: fanfic writing isn’t good for me.

(lol putting this beneath the cut because it’s way too long)

It’s actually my experience in this fandom that has made me realize that writing in general probably isn’t good for me, but unfortunately I feel a drive to it and can’t seem to stop myself from thinking I’ll one day get published, so that’s a bit of a downer. The truth is that I’m naturally disposed toward thinking that I’m shit, my words are shit, and every thought I’ve ever had is unoriginal and poorly written. It’s always been like that, from the time I wrote my first attempt at fiction at 7 years old to now at 31. It takes a lot for me to share my writing with people. I started writing fic at 14, basically as soon as I discovered that I wasn’t the only person composing stories about Han and Leia in their free time. I’m sure that my fics were horrendous. I give myself a hard time now, but 14 year old me probably deserved it even more. But there were sweet people on the internet who encouraged me (and lied to me) and told me that my stories were good, and that made a huge difference.

(that and my freshman year english teacher, who was very very cute and earnest and young and made me feel like I could actually be a writer.)

I’ve never been a part of a fandom before. Discourse and meta and long discussions about canon events have never interested me. I’ve said that before, and it remains true! I consume what canon there is, and sometimes I like it, and sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I’m so dissatisfied with it that I need to write something, and so I do. I don’t think I’ve ever written fic for something that I found entirely satisfactory. The extension of my being part of an actual fandom in the past was probably reblogging a few gifsets and recommending it to friends. I’ve just never had that sort of communal experience. This, the J/B fandom, was my first time really getting into it. It’s the first time I’ve ever made friends online that weren’t just frequent commenters on long multichapter fics! It has been exciting and I’m grateful for it! It’s just also probably not good for me.

It’s just, like, every time I post something, I’m fighting a very loud and very desperate voice in my head that’s saying “you’re shit and you shouldn’t bother”. It’s why I’m so good at writing first drafts of novels but so, so bad at getting past the second. It’s why I usually post fics only until I’ve worked out my frustrations: one or two fics per fandom and then ghosting away forever. It’s very hard to defy that voice and post something anyway, and this fandom experience has taught me that no matter HOW many stories I post, I’m ALWAYS going to have to fight that voice. And it’s gotten actively stronger. “You’re not what this fandom wants” “You’re not good at this” “Everyone’s just being nice” “You’ve overstayed your welcome”. Paying attention, often by accident, to the discourse and the metas only makes it worse, because my brain automatically turns to “well YOU don’t write them like that. That means you’re wrong”. I can tell myself as many times as I want that I myself like many different interpretations of J/B! My brain goes “yeah, but you’re just an idiot who doesn’t know any better. There’s a right way, and you’re not doing it”.

THIS IS ALL SO DRAMATIC! But it’s just the truth! Every time I post something, it’s against my nature. NO ONE outside of fandom reads my writing! I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve allowed my close friends and family to read things. So while it may seem like, idk, like I should just be able to get over it, negative comments, or even SLIGHTLY critical comments, really hit me hard. For all the positive feedback I get (and I really AM super grateful for it, and it means the world to me), those few critical voices seem louder because they’re agreeing with what I have already known about myself. And so it feels almost like a victory, but a shitty one. “Ha! I was right this whole time! I AM a shit writer, and I’ve for some reason tricked those other people into thinking I’m good!”

For a long time (much longer than I’ve ever written for any other fandom, obviously), I was able to shove it to the side. The J/B fandom HAS been super good to me, and they HAVE been wonderful about giving me feedback and making me feel welcome and included. But those negative voices are just SO LOUD to me, even though I know logically that they shouldn’t be.

It would be easy to point to a specific problem and say that my issues will be fixed if only I can address that. I do it CONSTANTLY. Maybe if I stopped tagging other relationships. Maybe if I stopped tagging other characters. Maybe if I tagged my works super specifically. Maybe if I made author’s notes about how I’m a shit writer and people shouldn’t expect things from me. Maybe if I just wrote “THIS STORY IS WRITTEN ALREADY AND IM JUST EDITING AS I GO! PLEASE DONT SUGGEST THINGS!” I just feel like, increasingly, I want fewer and fewer eyes on my fics. It’s the opposite of the problem I thought I would have. But my confidence took a huge hit with HCM, and then I was finally feeling good enough to post Dorne Rights. It was probably a mistake!

idk, maybe it’s just all the shit that’s going on in the world + in my personal life. Maybe it’s just time. Maybe I’m just running out of inspiration. But the positive voices aren’t loud enough to drown out my own negative self-voice this time, and so I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle it. Part of me wants to delete Dorne Rights with the intention of reworking it and maybe posting it again down the line with fewer tags and a lot more reminders that people can write their own stories if they don’t like mine. Part of me wants to just do a HCM and post it all at once so that I can leave the finished product up (even if I now think the entire thing is garbage). Part of me wants to stop writing fic entirely, at least until the next time I watch something with an ending so bad it fucks me up. I think my solution will probably be a massive step back from fandom for a little while. I’ve been feeling a drive to work on my original stuff, and I should probably lean into that. I would like to still write and post J/B, once I find the inspiration, but I’m tired of feeling like this is a job. I think I got so deeply sunk into this attitude of “I NEED to write and post constantly because these people want me to, and they actually like what I write!!” that I stopped writing things because I wanted to write them and started writing them because I wanted to write things for other people, to make other people happy, and so that they could tell me that I’m not a shit writer at all.

I should make it clear that I do intend to write my JB fic swap thing FOR SURE. I will drag that story out of myself no matter what. But in general it’s probably just healthier for me to not spend so much time On Here especially, and on fic in general.

#this got maudlin and it's way too dramatic but whatever #it's been a long time coming tbh #im sorry for turning your ask into this lmao #it was not my intention when i started to answer it #but then I just kept typing #ladywinterbottom

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statetalks · 3 years

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Should Republicans Vote In Democratic Primary

Official Disinvites For Us Indys

Republican Caller: Should I Vote in the Democratic Primary to Undermine Bernie?

Because we’re disrupting the coronation. It has to be us, right? It can’t be that the candidate they are putting a thumb on the scale for is the problem…

The share of independents in the public, which long ago surpassed the percentages of either Democrats or Republicans, continues to increase. Based on 2014 data, 39% identify as independents, 32% as Democrats and 23% as Republicans. This is the highest percentage of independents in more than 75 years of public opinion polling.I was a registered democrat for over 40 years and left the party last Jan, changed back to caucus for Bernie here in CO and left the democratic party the day after.

Is It Common For Democrats To Participate In The Republican Primary And Vice Versa

In short, no. According to Elizabeth Simas, a political science professor at the University of Houston who spoke about this with Texas Standard, cases of strategic voting dont happen much in primary elections. Certainly, there are people who do it but we just dont see it happening as much as theres potentially this fear for it to happen, Simas said.

In areas dominated by one party, especially rural areas, voters might cross party lines in the primary to have more of a say in their local races.

In my county, all the local races are Republican. Judges, sheriff, district attorney, Martha Mims, a Democratic voter who lives Williamson County, wrote in The Texas Tribunes Facebook group, This is Your Texas. If I want to have a say in local government, I have to vote in the Republican primary.

Voters like Mims can do that, thanks to Texas open primary. Do you have more questions about voting in Texas? Submit them to our Texplainer series.

Disclosure: The University of Houston has been a financial supporter of The Texas Tribune, a nonprofit, nonpartisan news organization that is funded in part by donations from members, foundations and corporate sponsors. Financial supporters play no role in the Tribune’s journalism. Find a complete list of them here.

How Do You Choose

When you show up to your polling location, youll decide whether you want a Democratic or Republican primary ballot.

But after choosing a side in the primary, you have to stay in that lane through the runoff. You cant vote Republican in the primary election and then participate in a runoff election between top Democratic candidates.

That said, voting in a primary does not commit you to vote for a particular candidate in the general election. You can vote for either partys candidate in the November election.

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Sorry Kid It Just Doesn’t Work That Way

This is not a high school glee club. If an independent wants to change their registration every four years for six months in order to vote in the Democratic or Republican party in NY, they can. You do not get to do one fucking thing to stop it. It has been happening for some time, and it will happen more and more as time marches on. I am a leftist. I have every god damned right to have a voice in who the leftist candidate in the GE is going to be. Tough shit if you and other loyalists don’t like it. And I have every right to say, well, that candidate that won does not represent me so I will vote for someone else even if that is a third party. Isn’t democracy a grand thing? This attitude is going to ensure future losses not wins. 47%. That is the number. That is the math!

Invite Independents Into The Process

The Democratic Party ought to open the nominating process to voters registered as independents, allowing them to sign up as Democrats on primary day. Sixteen states have created open primaries through laws or referendums, according to the nonprofit group Open Primaries, although the parties have the authority to do so unilaterally. Yet Democrats have done so in only six states, the group notes.

James Zogby is president of the Arab American Institute and a member of the Democratic National Committees executive committee. Bernie Sanders appointed him to the partys primary reform commission.

Reaching out to such voters currently alienated by the two major parties would increase the chances that the Democratic nominee can win in November. At the same time, the party needs to work to strengthen its bonds with its existing members.

The sad but simple truth is that being a Democrat no longer means very much to many Americans. According to the most recent Gallup poll, only 27 percent of voters identify as Democrats, and 30 percent say they are Republicans. At the same time, 42 percent call themselves independents, including half of millennial voters . This share of American voters who dont identify with any party has held constant for well over a decade.

The Democratic Party needs to give voters, including independents, a reason to become engaged in party-building. Since we need the votes of independents in the fall, shouldnt we give them a voice in the spring?

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Well No That Defeats The Purpose Of Primaries

But I do think that they should be open. It was different when the majority of the populace was divided between the two parties, but now that Independents make up the largest voting group, it seems wrong to exclude them unless there is same day voter registration at polling sites. Too many states make it as hard as possible to vote now that the voting rights act was gutted, so we need to make changes to make the process as inclusive as possible. The more hurdles that people have to jump through to vote, the more discouraged and cynical people will be. That serves the interests of the PTB, but it doesn’t serve the country’s interests. We need and informed, engaged citizenry or our democracy-what’s left of it-will lose all legitimacy. That, at least, is my view now.

The Present Process Is Prone To Chaos And Capture

We need not recount here the devastating effectiveness with which Donald Trumps insurgent candidacy steamrolled the traditional gatekeepers, commandeered media attention, and mobilized what some of his backers called his troll army. However, the weakening of gatekeeping was not limited to one candidate or one party. The Democratic Party establishment found itself barely able to contain the insurgency of Sanders, even though he was not a Democrat and he did not win a majority of self-identified Democrats except in his home state of Vermont and neighboring New Hampshire.

Neither candidate changed the system all by himself. Rather, both saw and exploited the invisible primarys fragility. Candidates could bypass traditional moneymen by reaping donations online, tapping deep-pocketed tycoons, or funding themselves. They could bypass traditional media by using social platforms like Twitter and Facebook, and they could hijack traditional media by behaving outrageously. They could treat their lack of endorsements as a mark of authenticity.

he nomination process makes unrealistic demands on voters, not because voters are lazy or stupidtheyre notbut because they are human.

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With No Republican Primary Gop Supporters Are Free To Vote For ‘chaos’

With no Republican presidential primary this year, Republicans are free to make what political scientists call negative strategic votes for Democrats without having to sacrifice the chance to vote for their own party.

Voters can cast ballots in only one primary per election, but they can vote however they choose in general elections despite the primary they choose.

A large crowd of candidates means smaller vote counts can swing elections and being early in the national process could also be expected to add to a particularly strong chances for crossover voting, said D. Sunshine Hillygus, a Duke University political science professor who has studied crossover and negative strategic voting.

She said the crossover votes can be negatively strategic, “trolling or throwing a wrench in it,” or they can be positively strategic as a backstop.

The only cost for Republicans who are so inclined to instigate “chaos?” They’ll get on a Democratic mailing list.

And, indeed, crossover votes could be a factor in the primary, said David Woodard, a retired Clemson University professor who has consulted with Republicans for decades.

Republicans who otherwise wouldn’t want to interrupt their Republican voting record could actually brag about crossing over this year, Woodard said. Fueled by impeachment and memories of Supreme Court confirmation hearings, Republicans will be highly motivated this year, Woodard said.

Get Rid Of Superdelegates Completely

Will President Trump encourage Ohio Republicans to vote in the Democratic Primary

Superdelegates had some of their power stripped from them after the contentious 2016 Democratic primary contest. Now its time to finish the job: They ought to be neutered entirely.

Selina Vickers was a delegate for Sen. Bernie Sanders at the 2016 Democratic National Convention. She is a candidate for the West Virginia House of Delegates, in District 32.

Superdelegates debuted at the 1984 Democratic convention, after the party reworked its rules to respond to President Jimmy Carters calamitous defeat in 1980. The idea was that these special delegates typically politicians and senior party officials wouldnt be bound by the decisions of state primary voters and caucusers: They could throw their weight behind whichever candidate they thought would perform best in the general election. This year, there are 771 superdelegate votes and 3,979 pledged delegates . The problem is that there can be a chasm between the judgments of party insiders and the grass roots about which candidates are most electable.

A certain number of elected party leaders could retain the title of automatic delegates, but they should not have a free or wild card vote at any stage. Instead, they should pledge to a candidate before their states primary or caucuses. If their candidates dont earn votes at the state level, they wouldnt have a say so they couldnt interfere in the democratic selection of a nominee.

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What Is A Party Primary Election

The Democratic and Republican Parties are required to use primary elections to choose their candidates for the general election. Although it is up to the parties to decide who may vote in their primaries, generally only registered voters affiliated with the Democratic or Republican Parties may vote in that party’s primary election.

Democrats Plan To Keep Their Primary Strategy

Morgan Carroll, chairwoman of the Colorado Democratic Party and a former state Senate president, said a proposal to forgo primaries would never receive serious consideration among state Democrats.

She called the idea ridiculous and undemocratic.

If we had a candidate that recommended it, I think theyd be driven out of town, Morgan Carroll said.

She sees the push as part of a larger pattern by Trump and his loyalists to basically move in an authoritarian direction, take away choices from voters, make it harder to vote, make it hard for the people to decide, and make it easier for them to install whoever they want in whatever position they want.

Want exclusive political news and insights first? Subscribe to The Unaffiliated, the political newsletter from The Colorado Sun. Thats where this story first appeared. Join now or upgrade your membership.

If the Republican proposal passes, she said its hard to know whether more unaffiliated voters would participate in 2022 Democratic primaries because they would be the only primary left they could vote in.

She thinks the move would backfire for Republicans as theyve struggled to win elections in Colorado in recent years. If I were a rank-and-file Republican person, Id be furious.

Colorado Sun staff writer Jesse Paul contributed to this report.

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Enhance The Role Of Superdelegates

We recommend doing the opposite of what the DNC chose to do with its Unity Reform Commission. Instead of diminishing the role of superdelegates by preventing them from voting on the first ballot or reducing their numbers, the party should augment their influence.

The purpose of superdelegates has never been to overturn the choice of voters in primaries. True, in principle they might act as a last barrier to a manifestly unacceptable candidate, like George Wallace or Henry Fordbut even that is unlikely, if a candidate has won a decisive victory in the primaries. Rather, their real importance is their indirect influence on the upstream end of the process. Their convention votes incentivize candidates to reach out to them in the early stages of campaigns. A candidate who seeks superdelegates support will need to listen to them and promise to work with them. Also, superdelegates commitments early in the process help establish party support and momentum for favored candidates. Superdelegates do not decide the nomination, but they do influence the nominees, the media, and the votersand that is exactly as it should be.

We recommend doing the opposite of what the DNC chose to do with its Unity Reform Commission. Instead of diminishing the role of superdelegates , the party should augment their influence.

Its Primary Day In Pennsylvania Heres What Voters Need To Know

Laura Benshoff

May 18, 2021

Voters, wearing protective face masks as a precaution against the coronavirus, stand at a distance from each other as they wait in line to casts their ballot in the Pennsylvania primary in Philadelphia, Tuesday, June 2, 2020.

Its Primary Day in Pennsylvania.

Voters around the commonwealth will pick representatives from their parties to put on the ballot for the November general election. In Philadelphia, where Democrats outnumber Republicans seven to one, the primary can be more determinative than the general election.

Judicial races, school board seats, and the Philadelphia District Attorneys office are all in the running.

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Over 150 Companies Sign Letter Supporting John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act

One reason Republicans in Pennsylvania and Massachusetts may have focused their initiatives solely on voter ID laws, rather than including other election changes, is because public polling has shown those requirements have broad backing by members of both parties. A recent Monmouth University poll found that 80 percent of Americans back requiring voters to show photo ID in order to vote.

“The struggle with ballot initiatives are always getting the actual initiative on the ballot to start with,” said Garrett Bess, vice president of Heritage Action for America, a conservative advocacy group. “But if the question is put to the voters, then I think it’s an almost certainty to pass.”

Still, the effort marks a new chapter in the broader national Republican effort to advance new limits on elections following former President Donald Trump’s campaign of lies about last fall’s vote. A number of leading backers of the ballot initiatives have boosted Trump’s false claims of fraud.

Voter fraud in U.S. elections is exceedingly rare. Although there is no evidence of widespread malfeasance in last fall’s election, more than a dozen states have so far enacted changes this year.

According to the National Conference of State Legislatures, 36 states already ask voters to provide some form of ID, with most of them allowing voters without ID to cast ballots if they sign a form under oath.

Using An Analogy Such As A Private Club Or A Sports Team Is Neither Naive Nor Dishonest

If you are an Independent or non-aligned voter, you simply change your voter registration to Democratic if you want to vote for a Democrat in a Primary, or to Republican if you want to vote for Republican in a primary. There is absolutely no restriction on doing this, other than the need to do it a certain number of days before the primary. Whether or not the Democratic Party and the Republican Party are de-facto institutionalized political parties, sports teams, or clubs does not change this. If you want to vote in a closed primary, you simply change to the party that you want to be in within the allotted time before the primary. One can always change back to Independent or non-aligned afterward if one chooses. Why do you think this is “s***ting” on people? Candidate preference:Biden

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Professional Vetting Provides Quality Control

Our case so far has dwelt on the shortcomings of the plebiscitary nominating process. So, we ought to re-emphasize: We are not saying that primary elections bring nothing to the table. To the contrary, they surface all kinds of important information about candidates and voters. What we do believe is that two filters are better than one. Electoral and professional perspectives check each others excesses and balance each others viewpoints; and, more than that, they complement and improve each other. Each provides the other with vital information which otherwise might be missed. Perhaps most important, professional input aids in winnowing the field to those who will likely govern competently.

wo filters are better than one. Electoral and professional perspectives check each others excesses and balance each others viewpoints

Insiders look for whether candidates are able to work with others, and whether they have sound judgment, adaptability, a nuanced way of dealing with problems, and influential relationships inside and outside government. Insiders also observe candidates character, and they can detect personal flaws that might affect sound decision-making. Insiders know from experience the attributes and talents necessary for effective governing. Voters are not privy to that kind of detailed, hands-on knowledge.

Vetting not only evaluates politicians; it also helps equip them to govern.

Virginia Voter Guide: The 2021 Primaries

Will President Trump encourage Ohio Republicans to cross-over to vote in Democratic primary?

The 2021 election season in Virginia has begun.

The 2021 Virginia primary election, which will determine the candidates who will face off in the fall, will be held Tuesday. Voters are weighing in on the contest for the Democratic nomination for governor, lieutenant governor and attorney general among other races. Most of the Republican races were already decided in a series of remote conventions May 8, although there will be a few GOP races on the ballot.

Most of the changes to voting in Virginia adopted last year due to the pandemic are still in place, but there are a few differences. Heres what you need to know.

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Trump Has Zero Desire To Be Speaker Of House Spokesman Says

Oregon progressive Senator Jeff Merkley and Minnesotas Senator and former Democratic presidential candidate, Amy Klobuchar, introduced the For the People Act, along with majority leader Chuck Schumer, in the Senate in March.

Jeff Merkley

. is absolutely right. This bill is critical for our country. We must fight with everything we’ve got to pass the For the People Act and save our democracy.

Today they probably know it is going to be parked in a cul-de-sac and the Republicans, aided by Democrat Joe Manchin, are going to throw away the keys.

Heres what Merkley tweeted yesterday.

Jeff Merkley

Make no mistake: Our democracy is in crisis. Republican lawmakers are trying to restrict Americans’ right to vote all across the country. Tomorrow we have a chance to right these wrongs by passing the For the People Act. We must get it done!

And heres Klobuchar earlier today reminding everyone that Barack Obama has spoken out to support a compromise version of the bill put forward by Manchin .

Amy Klobuchar

Voters Need Help: How Party Insiders Can Make Presidential Primaries Safer Fairer And More Democratic

Summary

Presidential-nominating contests in both major political parties are at risk of producing nominees who aren’t competent to govern and/or don’t represent a majority of the partys voters. Raymond La Raja and Jonathan Rauch argue this is a result of the declining role of party insiders in the nomination process and call for the reversal of that trend. Primaries function best, they claim, when voters and party professionals work in partnership.

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The Republicans Planning To Vote In South Carolinas Democratic Primary

Save Story

Save this story for later.

Save Story

Save this story for later.

Twelve years ago, Rush Limbaugh, who had not yet received the Presidential Medal of Freedom, urged the listeners of his enormously popular and very conservative talk-radio show to vote for Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primaries. In the patchwork process that is employed to nominate Presidential candidates, more than a dozen states have open primaries, which allow registered voters to participate in either contest. Limbaugh wanted Clintons close but seemingly losing fight with Barack Obama to go on for as long as possible, on the theory that a protracted battle would weaken the eventual nominee. He called the plan Operation Chaos. Limbaugh didnt think that Clinton was necessarily the weaker of the two candidatesin fact, he ultimately concluded that Obama was; by May, 2008, he was pushing his fans to vote for the senator from Illinois. Barack Obama has shown he cannot get the votes Democrats need to winblue-collar, working-class people, Limbaugh said. He can get effete snobs, he can get wealthy academics, he can get the young, and he can get the black vote, but Democrats do not win with that.

Oh You Don’t Want My Vote In Nov

I’m an Indy that votes Dem. My state has closed Repug primaries/caucuses. If I were Right leaning I’d be insulted that I have to change my affiliation to them and back afterward to have a say in who the best candidate to run for GE is.The Dem party is now smaller than the Indies, and will be even smaller in a few months after Hillary’s scorched earth antics. I don’t think you want to disinvite us all at this point.

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From Ohio To Florida Your Cheat Sheet For The Next Crucial Primaries

Five states voting Tuesday could be make-or-break for some presidential candidates. A primer on whos voting and what outcomes are likeliest

Tue 15 Mar 2016 11.00 GMT Last modified on Fri 9 Feb 2018 19.15 GMT

On 15 March, the names of the remaining presidential candidates Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and John Kasich on the Republican side, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for the Democrats will be on ballot papers in five states and one US territory. Although this Tuesday will be less frantic than Super Tuesday two weeks ago, when 12 states and one territory held primary elections, its just as important. By 16 March, the race for the White House could look very different depending on how Florida, Illinois, Missouri, North Carolina and Ohio vote.

Thats partly because the delegate numbers in those states are so high in total, 367 Republican and 792 Democratic delegates are available on 15 March. That brings us significantly closer to the finish line of having just two presidential candidates: at the moment, 33% of Democratic delegates have been pledged but by the time the polls have closed on 15 March, that number will rise to 50%. For Republicans, pledged delegates will jump from 46% to 61%.

Those percentages just mean that playing catch-up gets harder from here. Clinton is still on track for the Democratic nomination to change that, Sanders needs to pick up at least 326 of the pledged delegates .

source https://www.patriotsnet.com/should-republicans-vote-in-democratic-primary/

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aximili · 7 years

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axx’s big guide to gel, my 1 year timeline, and general testosterone FAQs

it’s my 1 year anniversary on testogel!!! here’s my progress! to celebrate, i thought i’d write up a big general post for people starting T, talking about my experience and what gel is like.

the most important thing i can stress here is that testosterone is a hormone and everybody’s body reacts differently. i’ll be talking here about my personal experience and things i know friends have also experienced, but i really can’t talk in absolutes.

gel - what’s different from the injection?

for whatever reason you get prescribed gel - for me it was due to my peanut allergy - i found that all the information online was for cis bodybuilders. even the leaflet inside is completely aimed at cis men, but don’t worry.

basically, gel is applied every day in a 50mg sachet. the time of day doesn’t matter, though i do it at night since it’s easier time-wise. it doesn’t work as instantly as the injection - friends reported instantly feeling hormonal after getting their shot, which i didn’t really get from gel - but it takes effect fast, don’t worry.

also, if you’re in the UK, get a PPC (prepaid prescription certificate) for your prescription if you can! especially if you’re on other medications. it makes it much more cost-effective.

the gel sachets are very slippery - i expected it to be more solid, but it’s almost a liquid - so be careful when opening it. don’t worry if you don’t get it all on, you never really will, but because it’s high alcohol, be absolutely sure to wash your hands, don’t get it on your face or privates or any wounds, and it can leave bleach stains on furniture-clothing - so wipe up quick if you drop some.

i apply gel to my upper arms and put any spare on my tummy. you can put it on most flat areas of skin i think, but check your leaflet. leave it to dry for a couple of minutes, although it usually does dry very fast, then you can dress. remember to apply gel after you’ve already washed, and try not to get too sweaty after as it’ll sweat back out of your skin.

don’t worry too much if you do drop gel, miss a day, accidentally wash or sweat, though. as long as it’s not happening a lot, you’ll be fine.

my timeline

i’ve put together a rough timeline of changes i noticed, based on the posts i made throughout the past year. please note that this is just what happened to me and things will vary, but to give you an idea and to show that it’ll all start soon.

day 1 - first application.

1 week in - i started feeling the emotional effects at work. had the urge to totally roid rage at difficult customers. (restrained it).

2/3 weeks in - more emotional. i got weepy over a lot of random shit. still menstruating also rip.

¾ weeks in - voice changes were becoming evident, though i also had a cold. i was finding it hard to pitch songs (see more below for singers) and felt my singing range had shortened, but my speaking voice was the same.

1 month in - lots of acne. started getting spots on my neck, back and arms for the first time. singing voice was getting deeper.

1 ½ months - hairpocalypse now. thick tummy hair appeared almost literally overnight. i thought i was becoming a werewolf. it didn’t show up anywhere else. noticed more hormonal anger, i felt a lot moodier than i normally am.

nearly 2 months - speaking voice getting noticeably squeaky and hoarse. it stayed in the awkward teenager period for a while.

2 months - moustache growth - barely visible to the human eye, but it did grow a little bit. chin fluff also appeared, although very hard to see also. menstruation definitely over - oddly enough, even though i had it super irregular so never tracked dates, i could sort of feel that it was supposed to be happening but wasn’t.

2 ½ months - speaking voice getting much deeper. i was still automatically trying to use my head voice, but found i could go way lower than i thought when i tried.

3 months - everyone commenting on how much my voice had dropped. i didn’t entirely notice myself but in this time it got much deeper.

4 months - able to sing baritone. voice had kinda steadied out. chin hairs starting to get a little longer, but not consistently.

5 months - i forgot to track this particularly consistently, but i had definitely gotten much coarser leg hair as well as chest, tum, butt. yeah, it unfortunately turns up everywhere.

8 months - shaved for the first time. it wasn’t particularly necessary, but there was stuff to shave off, which felt fun.

9 months - after this had all happened things were much less dramatic so i didn’t record much, but i started to get a lot hungrier and crave meat much more. i would happily eat a steak or burger every day now; before that was unappetising.

10 months - friends commenting on my facial hair actually being visible to the human eye. you couldn’t really call it proper stubble, though.

1 year (now) - facial hair still isn’t growing much, voice is settled, not much else going on. my hips have definitely slimmed a lot, face has become squarer, and my muscles are much more defined, although i have also been going to the gym, but those changes have been so subtle/slow i honestly don’t know where to pin them. anyway i hope this was informative!

general testosterone things

-be patient. things will happen slowly and then reaaaally fast. the first few weeks will feel really frustrating, but then it’ll go overnight.

-moods: i found they were about similar to PMS mood swings. i felt way angrier at bad customers than i normally do, but i didn’t lash out or anything. you’ll still be in control of yourself. hormones aren’t an excuse to be awful to people

-voice: i’ll talk more specifically for singers since i know this was a concern for me as a theatre kid. you’ll still be able to sing but you need to treat your instrument soooo gently. your vocal chords are physically changing; don’t try to make them do something they can’t. i was worried for a while because it felt like i had lost my soprano range, but not gained anything lower, but it’ll come. if you have a singing teacher, they might be able to help, but if not: stay firmly in your comfort zone, your changing voice will strain and tire much more easily. something i do actually still have a problem with now is pitching: an unexpected effect was that i lost the ability to naturally sing along to a song in tune and find the right pitch. i find myself suddenly singing completely out of tune because i’ve tried to find a note and produced something completely different. this is ok, because, of course, the voice you’ve been physically working with for years now does different things in different places. you’ll learn it again. i was still able to audition for a show just 4 months in with some careful practise.

-hair: it is everywhere. u dont get to choose where it happens. sad but true. you can of course do anything u want with body hair, but take into consideration that it’s gonna be coarser, thicker, and appearing just,… all over the shop. like, i have new body hair on my shoulders and collarbones, even. what are u doing there?? get off!

-acne: another unfortunate one. i got… a lot more acne this time around than i did in puberty 1.0. again, everywhere: face, neck, shoulders, back. almost everyone experiences this. of course, it’ll pass, but it sucks. makeup helps if you’re cool with that. also, my doctor prescribed me an acne gel which works very well, so if it really concerns you that could be worth asking about.

-fat distribution: another one that can be exciting to think about, but you can’t control: i confess i kinda went in expecting my chubby cheeks to disappear and my face to get all thin and lean and cheekboney. this might happen! but it might not. instead, my face has just kind of gotten… squarer. i definitely think it’s more masculine, but it’s not like i got all angular. hip fat did go down, but they still look a bit awkward and lumpy. ur boobs might reduce but mine didn’t. of course, it has only been 1 year, but yea, just don’t expect T to produce ur dream body type.

-hunger: yeah, you might get hungrier. i found i don’t necessarily want more food, but i really do want more… meat??? i could chow down on meat every day now. i honestly don’t know how this would go if you’re veggie/vegan, so i can’t offer much advice i’m afraid. in any case be sure to try and maintain a healthy diet (i can’t really talk but hey).

-exercise: it’s a common thing, i guess, but starting T doesn’t mean you have to go to the gym if that’s not your jam or not feasible for you. i did start going to the gym and it can be satisfying because T really boosts your muscle definition, so my arms look beefy when i flex even though i really don’t do that much. if top surgery is on the horizon, it can be worth working out, because the more muscle the surgeon has to work with, the better the finished result will be (so i’m told - 2 weeks to go for me!)

-sex: your sex drive will almost definitely go up, and there will be some Growth. that might alarm you or it might feel cool. again, this is no excuse to start acting like a creep to anyone. depending on your perspective, i guess, this could be a positive or negative development. without saying tmi: masturbation and sex are fine and u don’t have to feel bad about them. if it’s not something you have a good relationship with, don’t worry, it’s not gonna control your life. if it is: uh have fun!

#testosterone #testogel #ftm #transgender #ftm hrt #long post under read more #side note why am i so much paler than literally this exact date last year....

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