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slutforln4 · 1 year

Text

˗ ˏˋ lost you ´ˎ˗

✎ synopsis. in which you lose a lover, but gain a family.

✎ author's note. this fic is long overdue and i'm so sorry for the wait 😭 to the anon who requested it; i hope this reaches your expectations!! also, huge thanks to @shadow-pancake9 for being the proofreader for this fic :,)

✎ word count. 4.5k (a long boi)

✎ warnings & tags. gn!reader, mentions of blood, curse words used, idk what else to tag uhmm sibling relationship between atreus and reader.

Being Heimdall’s partner came with unexpected challenges.

Challenges like accompanying him to missions the All-Father gave him, the fear of losing him settling in the back of your mind and making you want to protect him. Except, it was usually the opposite. He’d protect you, given that you’re a half-god and not as strong as him.

Still, you worried. Yes, he is the God of foresight and never lets anyone touch him in battle, but there was never a guarantee he wouldn't get slain by someone stronger, someone better, than him.

“Just… just be careful, Dall,” you’d say, hand coming up to his cheek to caress it before he embarked on another safe, successful mission.

But it wasn't just him you were protecting. Other times, you had to protect others from Heimdall. Such as that Midgardian boy, Atreus. When he arrived, you could sense the fear of Heimdall that he felt. His usually tame heart was beating with the urgency of a deer that had been hit by an arrow.

“Don’t worry, he’s not going to kill you,” you say, standing beside Atreus on the lift. Heimdall frowned across from you.

“I might,” he shrugged, “no one knows.”

“You won’t.” Your glance at him said more than words, and Heimdall simply rolled his eyes, not speaking to or looking at the boy. “He likes to intimidate and bark, but not bite.”

Heimdall rolled his eyes again, but understood that it's no use arguing with you.

═════ ◈ ═════

Atreus warmed up to you pretty quickly, despite you being the partner of the one who intended to kill him. On more than one occasion, you had invited him to dinner at your and Heimdall’s place, disregarding the multiple whines and negative answers from your lover.

“Is he always that mean?” Atreus asked, warming his face up above the bowl of soup you prepared. “Heimdall, I mean.”

A laugh escaped your lips. “To most people, yes. Not to me. Or Odin.”

“Why?” The younger one tilted his head in question. “Is it because of his powers?”

“Yes, Atreus, it is. He sees through everyone… except for Odin.” You sit down across from Atreus. “Odin binded him with the curse of loyalty and granted him those powers, but made sure that the powers do not work on the All-Father himself. Heimdall is Odin’s most loyal servant and protects him from betrayal.” You put an emphasis on the last word, knowing that Atreus will understand.

“Oh,” he says. “Right.”

“Just avoid looking at his eyes if you’re thinking of betraying Odin. He’ll kill you, and I won't be able to stop him.”

The rest of the meal is silent, until Heimdall comes back from the mission Odin had planned for him. His fuschia eyes first notice you and soften, his shoulders slumping with tiredness. But then, he sees the Jötunn boy, and his shoulders rise again in rage.

“What is he doing here? I thought he’d be gone by the time I’d be back.”

You stand up to calm Heimdall— or rather to stand in between the two. You can tell Atreus is shaken up by the anger in the god’s voice. “He’s not done with his food yet, and we were talking.”

Heimdall averts his gaze away from the boy, unable to read the boy’s thoughts since he’s avoiding eye contact, and turns to you. Again, his gaze softens.

You’ve always been the only one to be able to comfort him as much as you do.

And he knows he can trust you with this— the Midgardian/Jötunn boy— so his posture softens and he embraces you in a hug. Atreus turns around to look at you both, but Heimdall shoots an angry stare at him. “Look away, half-breed.”

You pull away, looking up at him with a frowned look on your face. “Heimdall, be nice.”

═════ ◈ ═════

While your lover was on missions, you decided to coach Atreus and help him develop better combat skills.

“Higher, Atreus.”

It’s still bright and early in the day and practice has been going well, other than the fact that Atreus hasn't been able to get headshots with his bow. The young warrior reaches into his quiver and retrieves an arrow. He draws back the string with the arrow pointing straight at the head of an Einherjar, and when he lets go of the string with a grunt, the Einherjar falls to the ground.

“Perfect!” you exclaim, clapping happily above the pit. Atreus looks up at you with a wide grin, excited. “Do that a couple more times and we’ll be done for the day.”

There’s a warmth coming from behind you, and even without seeing him, you know it's your lover.

“What is he doing?”

“Training,” you shrug and turn around to wrap your arms around Heimdall’s torso. The tension he feels dissolves as he hugs you back, relaxing into you.

He says nothing, his eyes focused on the Midgardian boy in the training pit. You know that he despises the boy, given that he’s the son of Kratos and a Giant, but still you try to mend his first impression of the boy.

“He’s a good warrior,” you sigh into his chest, “don’t be so hard on him.”

“How can I not? He means to betray Odin.” Heimdall furrows his brows. You pull away enough to look up at him, your glare burning into his fuschia eyes.

“Let him.” You allow him to race your thoughts, find that one memory of you two that makes you both feel ecstatic and clutch onto it. “He won’t succeed, Odin is safe.”

“I suppose you’re right,” he sighs, resting his chin atop your head. “I appreciate you for taking care of that little half-breed. The less he is in my way, the better.”

Heimdall’s way of showing love was telling you how much he appreciates you. Rarely would the word ‘love’ leave his lips, but you felt it regardless if he vocalised his love or not.

You smile into his chest, your eyes focused on how nimble Atreus is, sliding past the Einherjar and wounding them all with little effort. “I know. I love you, too.”

Heimdall disappeared again, leaving you to train the boy. Atreus got better everyday, striking more Einherjar with the speed of light.

“How much more do you think it’ll take until I’m as good as my dad?” Atreus asked, a mouthful of food muffling his question.

“I don't know,” you shrug, “but you don't want to be as good as him. You want to be better.” Atreus laughs at your words. “What’s funny?”

The young boy shrugs. “Nothing. It’s just that my dad always tells me to be better. Especially when I apologise.” Atreus sets down his spoon and puffs out his chest, his brows knitting and chin coming down towards his chest, deepening his voice and imitating his father, “do not be sorry, Atreus. Be better.”

You laugh, clutching your stomach. When you both calm down, you speak again, “his words are true, you know. He wants you to be better than him.”

Before Atreus can reply, there’s a rumbling in the sky. Thunderous clouds sweep in and cover the entirety of Asgard. Lightning bolts shoot through the air, firing at everything and nothing.

The both of you know exactly what this could mean. Asgard only ever has thunder if someone dies. Although, if that was the case, a loud horn would announce the death. So far, it's nothing.

You lock eyes with Atreus, and he is scared. He is terrified, clutching the spoon and breathing fast. You run up to him and grasp his shoulders, “this could just be a thunderstorm.”

Just as those words leave your mouth, you regret them. A loud horn, unlike any other, blares through the sky and shakes the air. Atreus’ breath stills and you freeze in place, your hands still on his shoulders.

“Hey,” Atreus finally recovers, “you okay?”

In all truth, you weren't. This was your biggest fear. Heimdall was out on a mission and someone's death was announced, and you have no clue where he is.

“No,” you answer, honestly. Atreus nods, clutching his bow, but your hand stops him. “Don’t go. If he is gone, I can’t lose you, too. You’re like a brother to me, Atreus. Stay here.”

The Midgardian boy sets his bow back down and takes a few steps towards the back of your home— heading for the hiding spot you and Heimdall built in case of an emergency so either of you could find the other. You told Atreus about it in case he needed to hide from the All-Father someday.

You hand him his bow and quiver to him, just in case. “I’ll be back soon.”

The rumbling in the sky hasn't stopped by the time you get to the All-Father’s palace. It got worse. You found Odin sitting at his desk, flipping through papers. “All-Father,” you bow.

“What's up with you?” Odin stands up and frowns, “and why are you all sweaty?”

“I ran here,” you admit, “from my home.”

“Why’d you do that? We have Huginn for that.”

You take a moment to catch your breath. “Heimdall. Where is he?”

Odin shrugs, paying no attention to your question and more attention to his desk. He sits down in his chair, then gestures for you to sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk. You do as told, waiting for an answer.

“Let me tell you something.” The All-Father sits back in his chair, “Heimdall is as free as a bird. Like Huginn and Muninn. Actually, no. They're not really free. You get what I mean. He could be anywhere. You know better than anyone how Heimdall is.”

“Yes, I do, but...” you bite your lip and take a deep breath before speaking again. One wrong word and Odin would be at your neck like a lion at its prey, “he never tells me about any missions he’s going on unless it’s harmless.”

“Every mission is harmless for him, he’s Heimdall,” Odin seems to laugh, but you don't find it funny.

“Sir,” you stand upright, fists clenched at your sides and eyes threatening to spill sour tears, “I’m worried for him. Please tell me where he is.”

“The boy you’ve been getting along with. His father is a really, really annoying man.” Just from those few words, you know what he’s getting at. “He’s been at my neck since Loki came here. Heimdall has been keeping watch. I don't know where he is now, but if you ask Loki, he should know.”

You’re out of Odin’s office in a split second, already halfway out the hall when he shouts something at you that sounds like a warning. You decide to ignore it and head straight home.

Atreus is right where you left him, hiding in that same spot. He’s clutching his bow when you open the door, but his eyes soften when he sees you. He leaps into your arms and embraces you in a warm hug, almost crying. “I thought you were Odin.”

“I know,” you mumble. Your hand is caressing his head and both of you weep in each other's arms. “Atreus, look at me.”

He pulls away and looks at you. Noticing the look in your face, Atreus furrows his brows, “what’s wrong?”

“Where is your father?”

The young boy looks down, eyes clouded with thoughts. “Vanaheim. With Freya. They were looking for her brother.” His blue eyes spark up at you, worried, lost, helpless, “can I go with you?”

You shake your head, “stay. I’ll be back.”

Once outside, you fall to your knees. The feeling in your chest is unbearable and a guttural scream escapes your lungs, tearing through the air and causing the clouds to clear.

You rise to your feet, the energy of the god that resides within you leaking through the crevices of your body. Each atom in you trembles with fear for Heimdall.

Pushing your lips together, you send out a loud whistle for Huginn to hear. Soon, the raven flies over to you and circles your head, encasing you in an orb of a hundred ravens. You didn’t even have to say where to go, meaning that Odin had already told Huginn where to take you. That pathetic, old fuck. You think to yourself, blowing a strand of hair away from your face.

It takes you less than a second to get away from Huginn and start running towards where you think Heimdall is. The vegetation hits you in multiple parts of your body, but you continue running. You use your spear to pierce the dangerous plants, sliding under a large tree trunk and finally arriving at the Vanaheim crater.

And there he is.

Heimdall lays on the ground, his face barely recognisable, the only thing you recognise your lover being the hue of his eyes. Gulltoppr lays impaled on the floor. As you take in the horrible sight in front of you, an immense amount of pain rumbles through your body.

You jump down to the crater and your legs give out half way. Falling to the ground, you scream for him, “Heimdall!” It comes out as a loud, sky rumbling sound that shakes the leaves of the trees around you. You can bet that Kratos could hear it, too. You really hope he did.

When you finally reach him, Heimdall is cold. His skin feels like touching a statue— so cold it burns, so unalive. You pick up his head and lay him in your lap. “Heimdall, baby, wake up.”

He lays there, unmoving. The blood on his face is seeping into your clothes, staining them— a permanent reminder that you lost him.

The sky splits into two at the sound of your scream.

There’s an inexplicable amount of pain in your body. It’s soaking into you like the blood on your clothes. It’s crawling in your veins and making its way up to your heart— at some point, it feels like it stops beating. But then it thumps against your chest again and you feel alive, which hurts you even more.

You’re alive and Heimdall’s dead.

It might as well have been you. Kratos might as well have murdered you, because the suffering that you feel makes you want to die.

You cradle Heimdall in your arms, mumbling quietly, "I love you", and kissing his bloody forehead. He’s barely recognisable, yet the love you feel for him doesn't lessen.

═════ ◈ ═════

By the time you’ve gone back to Asgard, with a limp Heimdall in your arms, the entirety of the realm has gone crazy. There’s fires throughout the realm, valkyries and einherjar battling everyone in their way. You see Thrúd and Atreus in the distance, battling an einherjar. You can also see Freya and her brother Freyr, Thor, Sif and other familiar Asgardians. Except for one.

Odin isn't there. That old bastard is hiding, because he knows that Ragnarok isn't the thing he should fear most. It’s you.

You cast a spell upon yourself to turn invisible to those you don't wish to see you. When you walk past Atreus, the boy freezes and hesitates. “Hey, uhm.”

After you hear his voice, you stop in your tracks. Atreus looks scared of you. The look on your face isn't the one he got to know, and as much as you hate the half of him that came from his father, you can't blame him for what happened. Still, you just glare at the boy, hot tears staining your cheeks and then you run off.

Atreus tries to run after you, but Thrúd stops him, “there’s no point, Atreus.”

You turn around to glare at Atreus one last time, but your eyes fixate on the one who killed Heimdall. The ash coloured man strikes his axe at an enemy, and you can't help but imagine that he did the same thing to your lover.

But Kratos was not your main concern.

It’s as if Atreus can sense the idea you have when he lunges at you, tightly grabbing your wrist. “You can’t kill him alone.”

“And what are you suggesting? To help me?” Your voice is laced with venom so sour that it makes Atreus’ tongue run dry, “after your father killed Heimdall, my lover, you seek to be a hero in my story?”

Atreus lets go of you, and shortly after his father is there. He grasps his son’s shoulder and mumbles his name, nudging Atreus to get behind him. “Who are you?”

You stand there, rage radiating from you so intensely that even the einherjar feel it, “I am the lover of the one you killed.”

Kratos tenses. His face doesn't change from its stoic look, but his chest tightens under the layers of his leather armour. The armour you could so easily peel away and make him pay for what he did. But instead, you stand still and glare at him with angry tears running down your cheeks.

“I am sorry,” is all he says.

“Oh, you’re sorry?” You laugh, “you're sorry for what? For killing my lover? For ruining the future we were planning? For killing the other half of me? What are you sorry for, Gho-”

“No.” Kratos’ face doesn't change, but something in his eyes glimmers. He knows you know about his past, but Atreus isn't at the point to learn about that part of his father’s past yet, “do not call me that.”

The anger you feel gives you enough energy to strangle him right then and there. You fight the urge to lunge at him by reminding yourself that killing the one who killed him won't bring Heimdall back to life.

“Please,” Atreus appears from behind his father, fear flashing across his face, “I know you’re hurting right now, but-”

“You don't know a fraction of what I feel.” Aggression and pain fills your voice, “I was betrayed. Betrayed by you. I trusted you.”

Atreus mirrors the tears that are running down your cheeks and his lip quivers with a withheld sob. “I… I know. But I promise I didn't know he… I didn't know they were fighting.”

“Oh, bullshit!” Atreus steps back when you point a finger at him. “You knew it all along! I let you into my home, I trained you, I protected you from Heimdall and the All-Father.”

Right as you mention his name, one of his ravens fly above your head and you sling an arrow at it without even taking a second to look.

“I took you in and taught you what I know, Atreus. You had my friendship but I never had yours, huh?” Atreus looks heartbroken. You couldn't bear looking at him, so you stare at his father who’s observing the two of you calmly. “You. If you want me to spare your life and not let that prophecy become reality, come kill Odin with me.”

Kratos hums, his stoic expression not saying a thing. His stance has become more relaxed when he learnt that you wouldn't kill him. The love he has for his son is prominent in the way he speaks and acts around him, and it’d make you feel happy if this family of Spartans hadn’t been the ones to kill your lover.

Atreus begins to walk behind you two, and the both of you turn around, Kratos to stop him and you to encourage him. His father looks at you with a frown and you just wave at Atreus to come with, “I trained him. He’s ready.”

Kratos releases an angry grunt but then nods for Atreus to come with, Freya also following just behind. No one questions why she’s coming, because everyone knows. The All-Father has been horrible to her for years now and her revenge isn't unfair.

“Let’s kill this bitch.”

It takes you half as much time to deal with Odin than you thought, and it's because you had help from three people who also seeked to see his blood spill.

You didn't need their help, but it sure came in handy.

There’s blood all over you and your allies, and the moment you’re about to head back home, you are stopped by Atreus.

His hand is on your shoulder, a comforting and warm touch. He wants to make amends, to apologise, to make you feel better. There’s a fear and a loss in his aura, and you feel it so deeply that you might give in and hug him, take him in like the brother he was to you before all of that happened.

“No,” you give him no time to speak, “don’t touch me.”

“But-” Before he can say something again, his father is dragging him back by his bicep, “we’re family.”

“Remember that when I kill the Jötunn girl you journey with.” Your anger filled voice causes Atreus to gasp and look at you with betrayal in his eyes. His father clearly knew nothing about the adventures to Ironwood.

“But I wasn't the one who killed him. I never wanted him to die, you know that.” Atreus presses you further, ignoring how his father’s trying to hold him back from something he knows his son will regret.

You run your tongue along your teeth and laugh, turning around to face him, “I know. And if I could avenge Heimdall, I would. But I guess Thor beat me to it.”

The hazel haired boy tries no further, his eyes already welling with angry tears at the mention of what happened to his mother.

You turn around to finally leave, but when you try to open the door to the All-Father’s office, it’s stuck. You bang on it and kick it, and when you turn back around, no one’s there.

You’re no longer there, either.

═════ ◈ ═════

You open your eyes to find yourself in a tent of some sort. There's people outside of it, talking in hushed tones and you can hear a few words.

It’s Freya and her brother, and then shortly after it's a few valkyries, and they talk about Atreus. Only about him, with no regard for the god lying in the tent behind them. They only seem to pay attention to you when you open your tent and begin to stand.

“Easy there, war machine,” Freyr laughs and immediately bends down to help you up, “you hit your head pretty hard during your finishing move.”

You roll your eyes. “Where’s Odin?”

“We killed him,” Freya says, calmly.

“No, we didn’t,” Freyr’s confused voice chimes in, “you killed him. We injured him enough for you to kill him.”

“I didn't want to take all the credit, but that is true.”

For the first time since Heimdall’s death, you laugh. It's a quiet chuckle at most, but it brings a smile to your face and both siblings look at you with relief. “So, I didn't help at all?”

“You helped by laying in Atreus’ arms,” Freya smiles sympathetically, “the poor boy was so worried. He never left you alone in the field.”

You can recall waking up for a brief moment and seeing the young spartan shielding you from any harm and shooting arrows with his back to you. He used himself as a shield despite thinking you hated him. You passing out also means that the entire conversation you had was in your mind.

“Where is he?” You ask, hoping they’d give an answer instantly. Instead, they hesitate. Freyr looks at his sister and she looks back at him, and then they look at you, “is he okay?”

“He ended up getting hurt pretty badly while shielding you from Odin.” Freyr put a hand on your arm and softly caressed it, trying to calm you down. But it didn't work. Your heart beat fast and tears already broke out from your eyes, “but, uh, he’s okay. He’s still recovering.”

“Take me to him, I want to see him.”

Freya sighs, her arm around your shoulder now, “he’s still asleep. He won’t be waking up anytime soon, but if you wish I will take you.”

It takes a while for you to get there since your body is still waking up. On the way there, Freya filled you in on what had happened. Apparently, Odin was aiming to murder you all along and nearly triumphed when you thumped to the floor. That image in your head alone made you want to shrivel up and die, so you can’t imagine how embarrassing it was to witness it live.

Atreus had also been the one to deal most damage to Odin, and by the descriptions of it, it was because of the battle techniques you taught him. That makes you happy. And angry. How stupid does one have to be to jump in front of Odin for you? Atreus was anything but stupid, yet he did that for you.

You regret the last conversation you had, because all he wanted was to apologise to you, and all you did was push him away. Yet that didn’t stop him from protecting you.

When you arrive at the tent, Kratos is sitting outside of it and talking to the valkyries who treated his son. He looks at you for a brief moment before turning his eyes away. You wish to apologise to him, but you of all people know that sorry doesn’t mean anything.

Freya opens the tent and lets you inside, “I’ll be with Kratos.”

Atreus lays on a bed all frail and pale. You couldn’t help but blame yourself for it. Your fingers come up to push a tuft of hair away from his forehead. You place the back of your hand against it and he feels cold. Not quite the same as Heimdall and that gives you hope.

Atreus mumbles something in gibberish and your heart flutters with relief. “Atreus?”

His blue eyes peel open and he bursts out into a grin at the sight of you, “you- you’re okay!” He sits up and embraces you in a hug.

“Yeah, all thanks to my human shield.” You poke at his side and wrap your arms around him, tears of joy spilling out of your eyes, “I thought I lost you, too.”

Atreus laughs. “I thought I lost you.” He winces when he lies back down, “you were knocked down pretty quick, I couldn’t let you die.”

“Yeah, well. I heard you did great on the battlefield, huh,” you wipe away a tear that managed to escape, still smiling. You didn’t know what you’d do with yourself if he had died.

“It’s really all the training that got me prepared for it.” He looks at you with those blue eyes of his and you couldn’t be happier that he survived. He was far more stronger than you and he got more hurt, but he’s recovering quicker than you are. “I’m sorry about what happened.

“It’s okay. I’m okay,” you reassure him. The young boy doesn’t seem to buy it but you mean it, “I’m just glad you’re alive.”

There’s a ruffle of the tent’s material and then Kratos steps inside. He immediately sits down beside his son and watches closely when Atreus sits up. The two share a few words while you stand by the fire outside, warming your hands. A smile creeps up on your face and even though this family was the one to kill your lover, it’s the only family that’s ever loved you the way they do.

#gow !!#god of war #god of war ragnarok #god of war ragnarök #god of war fanart #gowr #god of war fanfiction #god of war kratos #heimdall #god of war atreus

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burningthetree · 1 year

Note

I LOVE ASK GAMES! please talk to me about your year in writing! okay for ao3 wrapped! Would you pretty please answer numbers 3, 6, 10, 12, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, and/or 29 😇

I realize I am being unreasonable but I cannot help it :) please feel free to skip any or all

YES CAT OMG THANK YOU <3 i love talking about my writing let’s go!

(if you know me irl don’t you dare read under the cut)

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

Either of my longer fics. I always had trouble writing longer stories (which is fine! Shorter stories are just as great, but I always wanted to write something longer and never seemed to be able to) so I’m just proud that I somehow managed to tell a story that is unreasonably and unnecessarily long. I specifically have forget me not in mind, but also safe and warm because I feel like my initial plan for that one is just as big a lie as my plan was for fmn and it’s going to be over 100k again I fear. But that’s something I’m proud of! Starting out with a small idea and then realising it’s going to evolve into something bigger than I’d anticipated, and then still sticking with it to see it through to the end, even if it gets overwhelming sometimes.

6. Favorite title you used

safe and warm! I struggled with what to pick for the title at first, but then felt relatively content with it. And I don’t want to base my satisfaction on outside validation but the people that did comment on the title pointed out the exact things I had in mind for it and that gave me a boost in serotonin

10. What work was the quickest to write?

I’ve been struggling with literally everything this year LOL I don’t think anything was quick to write. Especially after writing forget me not last year within four months everything just feels painfully slow. Albeit not quick per se, safe and warm is the quickest in comparison to the rest I’ve had lying around for months lol

12. How many WIP's do you have in your docs for next year?

So many 😭 let me go count them. I think it's seven. Yikes. But I'm currently only actively writing two. And one of those two will be finished in December, so currently it's eight but 2023 it'll be seven 'only'.

16. What's your most common "Additional Tags" tag?

My gut feeling says Hurt/Comfort and Angst. Let me go check. Yeah, it's definitely Hurt/Comfort. All my fics except one have that tag. I just…vibe with it a lot. As does everyone I know.

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

Kuroo! I genuinely think he’s my absolute favourite in all of Haikyuu!! and I’m having such a good time writing him, though I was very surprised because I always thought it'd be Akaashi or Oikawa. But writing him gives me so much joy and I find it relatively easy (though whether or not my version of him is accurate in relation to the canon-version is debatable). I'm also having a lot of fun with Kiyoomi and Atsumu, they're both such little shits it's a delight to write them.

I'd be a fake if I didn't mention Hawks, though. I find him very easy to write as well, and I had a lot of fun! Some of the whumptober prompts (I haven't forgotten about the collection, I promise, I will finish it one day!) went by really fast because they were Hawks-centric, even though it was my first time writing him. But I don't know, I enjoyed it a lot.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Iwaizumi. I swear to god. I keep including him in my fic for the sake of IwaOi but sweet jesus he is driving me INSANE. I’ve never had this many issues with any character and I’m losing my goddamn mind because I don't know how to fix it. Also Edgeshot. I hate that man (I don't, but I do. I really do. I don't).

19. What's one pairing you want to explore next year?

YakuLev! I’m not the biggest fan of Lev because I find him really annoying but I’ve had an idea for them for the longest time now and I’ve started writing it a bit but it’s nowhere near done, so I’m hoping I get to finish it next year at some point! Also I've had an idea for SunaOsa for a while now that I've been meaning to write but haven't been able to get around to yet. So hopefully 2023 will be when I'll get to it!

I've also started to get a little invested in Aizawa/Mic so I've been thinking about them a little as well, also Levi/Erwin for some godforsaken reason lol (kudos to that one person on TikTok making constant videos about them and dragging me down that hole). So maybe I'll explore them next year, who knows, but I don't know if I'm well-versed enough in these fandoms to write something I'd be happy with regarding quality, but we'll see.

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

Probably forget me not, purely because it’s the one long fic I’ve ever written. And I didn’t have any trouble writing it at all, with barely any writer’s block or creative block, which has been an ongoing issue with my current bokuaka that I just cannot seem to continue atm. So I'm looking at it for the character dynamics and set-ups of the scenes to get some inspiration and to revisit how I did it in the past in a way that works for me, and to see if I've changed anything without noticing that makes it work a lot less. Also just structure-wise it’s nice to revisit an older work that is relatively long to see what can be adopted into the new fic and what wouldn’t work.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

On my way to reread my writing to find something! Okay, as much as I always complain about writing Iwaizumi, some of the IwaOi bits I've written are my favourites. This is from Chapter 5 of safe and warm so spoilers if you haven't read it yet, but I had a lot of fun writing this star-crossed lovers bit, and it's a little long so my apologies, I just didn't know how much to include in this post and where to cut off. So it might seem a little odd out of context, but oh well.

Walking up the stairs to where Tooru had been hiding for a long time – they had both lost count of how long it had been – Hajime started to doubt everything about their plan, even though he had been the one to come up with it in the first place. Though he’d had the idea, that didn’t mean he had to like it, because he didn’t. If there was a different way, a way that would ensure Tooru’s safety and keep him close, Hajime would choose that, without hesitation and without a doubt. But there was no other option. There never had been. Not for them. Their love had been doomed from the start. And Hajime had walked into it head-first, fully aware of the pain he’d encounter on the way, and yet he hadn’t been able to stay away from Tooru. The same was true for the other man. “Hey,” Tooru greeted him in a serious tone that he rarely ever used. The grimness of the situation had finally settled in, and Hajime longed for the times when he used to get annoyed with Tooru’s usually playful and obnoxious tone. Hajime didn’t greet him back, didn’t find it in him to say anything, not with how tight his throat was feeling. He was sure that if he opened his mouth now, he would end up crying, and he wanted to avoid that at all cost. Because if he did, he knew that Tooru would object to ever leaving, and he couldn’t risk that, not if he was already risking everything he had by simply coming here. “Hajime,” said Tooru, approaching him carefully as if Hajime was a frightened deer that could be set off at any minute. He wasn’t scared for himself, he really wasn’t. It wasn’t like he was particularly fond of his life anyway, not when he remembered how many people were scared of him for following his father’s footsteps. Not when he remembered how scared Akaashi Keiji and Bokuto Koutarou had appeared earlier as Washijou thought it necessary to injure their friend in such a pointless manner as well. “Hajime, look at me,” said Tooru and walked up to him, cupping his face with gentle hands. The warmth of Tooru’s palms against his skin was filled with love, and it helped him calm down a little bit, to stop his thoughts from spiralling out of control. Hajime did as he was told, and Tooru’s loving brown eyes were set on his, his eyebrows creased in worry even as his lips gave him a smile.

It was a rare sight, having Tooru express such genuine emotion without hiding it beneath a layer of pretentiousness which Hajime hated and that he could see through as if it was a clear window with the curtain withdrawn. Only when they were alone did Tooru allow him to see his real emotions, and even though Hajime could always tell when his boyfriend wasn’t being sincere, he appreciated his honesty and transparency whenever it was just the two of them. “I have to go soon,” said Hajime as he took Tooru’s hands in his. “They are going to the palace soon, to try and find Sakusa and Kuroo. Most of us will go there, so take these.” He handed Tooru the tickets, who took them hesitantly. “It is your best chance. The sun is setting soon, so escape in the dark. Go to the train station, take these, and leave.” “Hajime, I–” Tooru started, but Hajime interrupted him. “There is no time for objections, Shittykawa,” said Hajime, pressing the tickets into Tooru’s palm with such urgency, he almost tore the paper as he did so. “I wasn’t going to object,” said Tooru, faking disappointment and something that Hajime couldn’t quite pinpoint. “I was just going to say that I love you, but I guess you don’t want to hear that, so–” “Shut up,” said Hajime. “I want to hear that.” “What now?” said Tooru, and Hajime could feel the familiar annoyance rise in him at Tooru messing around with his emotions, fully aware that Hajime had a horrendous understanding of his emotions and a hard time dealing with them. “You want me to shut up or tell you that I–” “I am begging you,” said Hajime, “to quit teasing me so. I need you to tell me. Please.” “You’re annoying,” said Tooru. “You’re grumpy and you insult me all the time and you are the sweetest and best person I know. I love you, with all my heart, and after

There you go! This was the first passage that came to mind because this drama has such a chokehold on me, and I cannot wait to dive into it deeper. Thank you so much Cat, I absolutely loved rambling here <3

#asks #cat #thank you for making me talk about my writing #if you know me irl and you see this no you didnt #julie is rambling #julie is writing #<- been a while since I used that one

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