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autisticbokutoenthusiast · 2 months

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playboyy finale stray thoughts!!

nant is acting like prom doesnt know who nuths boss is... does this mean nant didnt know who prom was....

nuthphop!!!! oh the mirror the mirror the mirror the mirror the mirror making it look like nuth isnt really there?!?!?!? the framing of this scene!?!??! oh fuckass jason STAY AWAY FROM HER

aobpuen my beloveds id buy your chicken juice

soong with the fucking ringlight in his influencer era and first jerking off in the background?????? oh soong my baby. this is giving sandray...firstsoong are so fucking funny the dejected "fuck him" askjhgasghjahgg

ok im concerned that if nonts father uses the government to take down jason lee then all the playboyys will also take the fall..

captain and his one sided beef with puen like bestie maybe youre just wrong. also puen being the only voice of reason, once again

puen said queer solidarity so tru PUEN MY BABY BOY PLEASE DONT DIE

i lowkey need captain and puens actors to work together again

on god tutorsoong rarepair of the century?!?!?!!

if this is firstsoongs final arc.... first be so fr...

NOOOOO THEY SET UP MY BOY NUTH SHFGKAJGHASHGHAH IM GONNA EXPLODE NOOOO

first doing the grindr reveal of shame.... firstsoong what is happening babes... like not even a "i should punish you for this??"

nuthphop enthusiasts its joever for us isnt it...... hold on the flwoer... their visual metaphor is a caged bird...

captain youre gona get decked- now why is keen so attached to nuth

hold on why is nont asking of zouey is ok.... zouey trauma moment ???

well we didnt get nont cunty jacket but we got big pant so alls well that ends well

awww theyre little fucked up family

no they got my baby behind literal bars JASON LEE AND CAPITALSIM YOU WILL CRUMBLE FREE MY MAN NUTH NOOOOOOOOOOOO

if this is the nuthphop ending im commiting atrocities- not that its not realistic but its just so fucked up

porschejump being cute save me save me porsche jump being cute

oh why am i in this... oh damn i mean since you asked

SCREAM THEY REALLY WENT FOR IT GOOD FOR THEM

hold on the framing of phop and nont miroring nuth and nant im gonna scream

they bringing out nuthphop piano ballad deep cuts this ep

oh im not fonna make it DONT DO THIS TO ME NOT THE MONTAGE YOU BUM ASS BITCHES NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OH GOD I CANT DO THIS I REALLY CANT OH FUCK OH GOD OH FUCK OH GOD OH FUCK NOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO THIS IS THE WORST THING THATS HAPPENE DON AGJLHA NO NO NO

him dying exposed and out in the open when he lived caged in with the other people he was trapped with its about symbolism its about story telling its nuths screenplay printed next to him its the fact he was only ever going to be remembered through that screenplay how people like them dont win awards and and and and

this zoueyteena scene giving me so much whiplash like right in front of my grief ???

SO THE PAINTING HE JERKS OF TOO IS OF JASON SOFGHAFSJKLGSJAHKGSJADF OMG I WAS RIGHT!??!??!? SJHGKGHKFJAGH WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT

gurl....

WHAT THE ACUTAL FUCK WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT

what.... the... FUCK?!!?!?!??!

#i am losing my mind what just happened?!?!!?!#playboyy the series #a.b.e. watches #playboyy spoilers

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saxxxology · 5 years

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BITTEN - Ch.4

After getting bitten by a werewolf, Sam finds himself trying to adapt to a brand new lifestyle that brings him closer to the girl he loves, but threatens to tear him apart from his family for good.

PAIRING: Alpha!Sam x Omega!Reader

WORD COUNT: ~2200

WARNINGS: non-consensual werewolf bite (not sexual), a/b/o dynamics: heat/rut, knotting, claiming, breeding kink, angst, time hop (season 9 to 12), and more.

NOTE: Edited by @kayteonline and @kittenofdoomage - please heed all warnings and enjoy! This is NOT intended to be a dark fic, but if you read something that bothers you, it is your responsibility to stop reading, keep scrolling past it, or contact me for content clarification.

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THIS WORK IS 18+ ONLY. DO NOT REPOST MY WORK ON ANY OTHER SITES.

Dean was in the kitchen when you walked up. He was cradling a large cup of coffee in one hand, and when he saw you emerge from the basement, his gaze fixed on you.

“How is he?” he asked urgently, “is he okay?”

You nodded. “It’s over. He’s fine, just hungry. Where’s Garth?”

“He went out with Bess. She’s in shock over what happened, so he took her to a safehouse out of state.” Dean watched as you pulled a pan from the rack on the wall and set it on the stove. “What do you mean by ‘fine?’”

“He’s not in pain anymore, his fever went down.” You cracked eggs into a bowl and whisked them around. “He just needs to recuperate for a few days, maybe a week.”

“Can I see him?” Dean asked.

You nodded and pulled a couple bagged chicken hearts from the fridge. “After he’s eaten. He’s gonna be stronger than normal for a while, so we gotta keep his human contact minimal.” You heard Dean exhale heavily as you started chopping the hearts into chunks. “Dean, I know you wanted to find a cure, but there’s nothing you could have done. I’ve seen people get bit and go through a lot worse. At least he’s alive. He’s a little different than he was yesterday, but he’s alive.”

Dean nodded and leaned against the counter. “You’re really intent on taking care of him, huh?”

“It’s my job to take care of my pack.” You replied, pulling four sausages from the fridge and tossing them in the pan, along with an entire pack of bacon. “Russ and Joba are gone. The Reverend’s… well, let’s just say I’m in charge of the pack, now. I care for Sam, deeply. If it were up to me I would have killed Joy myself so that didn’t happen.”

You heard Dean scoff, but when you looked at him you could see he was grinning.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Dean finished his beer and set the empty bottle on the counter. “Just… I never thought you’d actually spook over a guy getting turned.”

You shrugged. “I know when to care about someone getting bit. I wanted Sam to leave, I wanted him to forget about me, about the pack. I never wanted him to get bit.”

Dean nodded shortly. “The way I look at it now is, he could have been bitten and left to die. At least this way he’s got you and Garth and Bess to look after him, make sure he won’t get into trouble.”

You finished cooking in silence. Piling most of what you’d cooked onto a large plate, you slid one of the sausage links, a small pile of eggs, and several strips of bacon on a separate one, which you offered Dean. He accepted it gratefully, noting that you’d cooked the chicken hearts in a separate pan. When you re-entered the basement, you found Sam sitting up and stretching his arms above his head.

“I could smell that from down here,” he muttered, turning his head to look at you, “is that normal?”

You handed him the plate and watched him begin to devour the food, shoveling a mixture of everything into his mouth with a fork that seemed comically small in his large hands. “Yeah, it’s pretty normal. And don’t worry about eating everything there, your appetite’s going to be pretty out there for the next couple days.”

Within minutes, Sam had completely annihilated the food on the plate. He tilted his head back against the wall, his lips parted as he sighed in satisfaction. “There was a heart in there, wasn’t there?”

“Two. Small ones, just chicken, nothin’ special.” You took the plate from him and set it down on the floor before snuggling into him. “How do you feel?”

Sam exhaled heavily and slipped an arm around your shoulders. “Not hungry anymore, definitely not tired… I feel strong. Stronger than before.” He flexed his arms, examining the muscles that bulged under the gray sleepshirt. He seemed bigger. “Actually, I feel like I need to run, get out…”

“There’s the punching bag.” You gestured to the slightly misshapen tool in the corner. “I can’t let you out yet, gotta know you can control yourself around humans.”

“Humans…” Sam looked down at his lap and swallowed. “That’s right, I’m not human anymore.”

You shook your head. “That’s not entirely true. You’re still human here,” you put a hand over his heart. “You’ll still be able to function like a human, your instincts are just rewired a bit, that’s all.”

Sam scoffed. “Yeah, what happens when I wolf out and go nuts?”

“That won’t happen.” You nuzzled his shoulder and stood with him as he shuffled over to the punching bag. He gave it an experimental nudge with his fist. “Want to see Dean?”

He nodded apprehensively. “Yeah, but I don’t wanna try to hurt him.”

“Sam, you won’t—”

“You don’t know that. Make sure I don’t try to hurt him.”

You bowed your head and trotted back up the stairs, closing and locking the cage door behind you. Dean was still waiting in the kitchen, and he stood upon seeing you emerge from the basement.

“You can see him, but we have to be careful,” you said quietly. “If he smells you he could try to get at you, that’s gonna be his first instinct. The cage door down there has silver on it, so if he tries anything it’ll hurt, bad, but I need you to stay on the stairs, keep your distance.”

Dean held his hands up as if in surrender. “Trust me, I’ll be keepin’ my distance.”

You led him down the basement, slowly, his boots clunking heavily on the thick wooden planks. You could hear the dull, repetitive THWACK of Sam’s fists against the punching bag, but after the basement door closed, they ceased, and the space fell silent as you and Dean came down the steps. A little more than halfway down, you motion for him to stop.

“Dean, stay here.”

He nodded quietly and waited for you to slip past the cage, locking it behind you.

Sam was standing in the corner by the punching bag, his arms folded across his middle. You motioned for him to walk over, but he shook his head. “Y/N, I can’t… I don’t want him to see me like this. I can smell him, I can hear his heartbeat.”

“You won’t hurt him.” You walked closer to him, reaching for one of his hands. “Sam, come on, I’ll be there. The door’s got silver on it, you won’t be able to get out.”

Sam lowered his voice. “What if I hurt you?”

“You won’t. Now come on.” You led him slowly over to the wire door. His heartbeat increased with every step, and you heard his breathing grow more and shakier.

When Dean came into view, you didn’t know if Sam was going to recoil or lunge at the gate. He could hear Dean’s heartbeat, steady and slow, the rush of blood pumping through his veins, traces of whiskey and cedar covering up the thick, coppery scent…

...No, stop it! That’s your brother! You wouldn’t bite your own brother!

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice was quiet as he took another step down the stairs. “Hey, it’s me.”

Sam paused, took a deep breath. “I know.” He looked down at the ground and closed his eyes, trying as hard as he could to stop from hurling himself at the wall of the cage. “How’ve you been?”

“Uh, worried, for one,” Dean chuckled in an attempt to lighten the mood, “I went out for a little during the night, tried looking for a cure or something…”

“Yeah.” Sam swallowed and clenched his fist. He didn’t know what the fuck was happening, but all he wanted to do was break out of the cage and rip his brother’s chest apart, get at the thick, pulsing muscle that was hidden behind bone and sinew, devour the warm, blood-drenched organ that kept his brother alive…

No! Goddamn it! Stop!

“I thought you’d be gone.” Sam cleared his throat as a fresh wave of hunger washed over him.

“Had to make sure you’re okay, didn’t I?” Dean caught your warning glance to stay where he was and decided not to take the last two steps down. Hell, he might be too close already. “How do you feel?”

Sam swallowed thickly as you increased the pressure on his hand. “Honestly, I feel good. I’m strong, I’m not hurting, just wanna get the hell out of here.”

“And why can’t you?” Dean shifted his gaze back and forth between you and Sam.

“Because if I get out of here I’m not gonna be able to stop myself from trying to hurt you or someone else,” Sam stated bluntly.

Dean seemed taken aback by Sam’s words. Apparently, he hadn’t considered just how dangerous Sam really was until he’d said it. “Sam, you wouldn’t.”

“You don’t know what I’d do, Dean, hell, I don’t know what I’d do.” Sam’s body trembled as he spoke, but he stood his ground. “The only reason I’m not going after you right now is that I know I shouldn’t, but if Y/N wasn’t here with me, if this happened somewhere else… I don’t know if either of us would be alive right now.”

You saw Dean swallow, saw his Adam’s apple bob in his throat, and heard Sam growl, low and deep in his chest.

“Sam, don’t say that.”

“You’re not in the place to tell me what to do, Dean.” Sam retorted. “I’m a monster, both of us know that. You don’t know how… how hungry I feel right now. I don’t have a friggin’ clue what’s making me feel this way, but if you weren’t my brother… I’d kill you, without thinking.”

Looking up, you noticed Sam’s upper lip beginning to twitch. He was starting to lose control. “Dean, I think you should go, this isn’t—”

Dean, obviously, didn’t listen. Instead, he did the worst thing he could. He took another step, closing the distance between him and his brother by another two feet.

Overcome by hunger, Sam snapped. You saw his eyes flash yellow as his instinct to attack sprang free. He snarled, his lips curling back over his teeth as his muscles bunch. He lunged forward, slamming all two-hundred pounds of his body against the cage. His long fingers were pointed in two-inch claws, which curled in the wire before he stumbled back with a yelp of pain; the silver on the wire had seared his skin.

Dean fell back when Sam crashed against the cage, bringing an arm up instinctively to protect his face.

“Dean!” You shouted, pulling Sam back against the far wall and holding him there. “Get out! Now!”

You saw Dean stagger to his feet his eyes fixed on the snarling beast of a man now ten feet away from him. He was staring at Sam with a mixture of fear, anger, and sorrow on his face. Sam took several half-gasping, half-growling breaths before reeling himself back in. He collapsed to the floor, his fingers pressing hard into the smooth concrete. He bowed his head as his body shook even harder.

“D-Dean, I’m sorry!” He gasped out. “I didn’t mean to, I couldn’t help—”

The door at the top of the stairs slammed before Sam could finish, and seconds later you heard the rumble of the Impala’s engine and the grind of her tires scraping on the dirt road as she tore out of the drive and down the road.

Sam’s shoulders heaved with a sob as he collapsed back, breathing hard as he fought to still his shaking hands. The claws had vanished and his eyes were back to hazel, but he still shook with panic. “I didn’t mean to do that,” he choked, “I didn’t—I didn’t—”

“Sam, it’s okay, he’s just gone to cool off.” You soothed him. “He’ll be back, I promise.”

Sam shook his head and reached to grip your hand as you rubbed his shoulder soothingly. “No way in hell. He saw me snap and that was it. He thinks I’m a monster.” He turned his head, and you saw tears streaming from his now hazel eyes. “I am a monster.”

You sat next to him and wrapped your arms around him as tight as you could. “Oh, Sam, it’s all right. You’re not a monster, you’re not. You’re adapting to a new lifestyle, and yeah, you have some different urges, but you’re just starting out. It’s barely been an hour since you woke up, I didn’t expect you to stay under control.” You hugged him tighter and let him bury his face in the curve of your neck. “Dean got spooked, that’s all. He’ll come back.”

“Will he?” Sam straightened his back and practically glared down at you. “How can you know that? Hm? Tell me how you know my brother’s gonna come back thinking I’m still the guy he grew up with.”

TAGS FOR THIS SERIES ARE OPEN

If you want to see chapter 5, reblog and leave a comment! Feedback is my fuel!

Forever tags: @atc74 @becaamm @bamby0304 @crispychrissy @crashdevlin @curly-haired-disaster @emoryhemsworth @ellen-reincarnated1967 @kittenofdoomage @kayteonline @kdfrqqg @littlegreenplasticsoldier @lunarsaturn88 @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @manawhaat @mereka18 @mrswhozeewhatsis @meganwinchester1999 @oneshoeshort @percussiongirl2017 @serpentbaby @spnwoman @smallgirlbigpersonality @shaelyn102 @thelittleredwhocould @winchesterprincessbride @winecatsandpizza @zombiewerewolfqueen @85natalie @81mysteriouslyme

“Bitten” tags: @linki-locks11 @lez-boatz-writez @wotinspntarnation

#bitten series #alpha!sam x omega!reader

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strangerfwendz · 7 years

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May 18

Last night, I messaged brad some selfies of Leo. I’ve decided to name it Leo. He thinks I’m crazy but he joked that I got a new puppy to replace him. He didn’t seem too against it. I fell asleep with the puppy wrapped in a towel next to me. When I woke up I was on the couch in the living room. Brad and I talked a bit it was a nice conversation. My roommates were getting ready for classes and I was sooo tired. I couldn’t get up for a jog. I realized my classes started an hour later that day so I went back to my room to sleep. The puppy was sooo cute! I woke up and put it on top of me and went back to sleep and the little guy went up to my pillow and fell asleep curled up against my face. Adorable!!!

I eventually got up, did a bit of exercise that I learned from fitness club the other day. I cleaned up my bed in the case she messes with any of it and left her on the bed wrapped up in a towel.

I sat with lara, sofia, Julie, and marya at banquet. There was a debate about dress code cause sofia didn’t like that she had to tie her hair up. Especially because she walked through the buffet restaurant and ms anastasiia specifically came over to banquet to tell her to tie up her hair. Just follow the dress code, its not difficult. They were arguing that each teacher has different standards of the dress code and not all of them bother enforcing them or even following the rules themselves. The conversation somehow shifted over to why do we pay so much as globals and where does that money go. Then they called Mr Robert Van Dur Ham over. He suggested that we talk to mr bow about it. Make a case and bring it up to him over email or book an appointment to talk to him at his office. They were serving wine for the main course but it was past 12pm already. I downed the glass of wine and rushed back to palm beach. Leo was still sitting exactly as I has left her, I was relieved and impressed. I swooped her up and went to the pet store that Jason tried to bring me yesterday. Leo was shaking, I was getting anxious. The famous mill mill bar was right next to it pet store up a little staircase. I was really confused when I arrived as the staff was just a little boy? But later on it seemed to be a lady as she spoke knowledgably about the puppy and her products. But this lady was so short she looked like she never went past puberty in primary school. I asked a bunch of questions about what I should get her and she made a few uncomfortable faces saying, “lets see if she lives first”. Thank you for your honesty but why do you say that? I bought a cage, food bowl, milk powder, puppy food. Jason(les roches) eventually came up to the store but he took so long to come by. When I messaged him earlier before I got there, he said he had just finished taking a shower so he shouldn’t have needed more then 10 minutes. He spoke to the lady and she said the puppy is probably a street dog. Jason threw his hands up and said ‘I knew it! You could buy it in my hometown for just 30 to 40RMB. No one wants it.” Then he sighed and said “oh well, whatever makes you happy.” Jason’s wife, the driver, came up just as I had finished paying. They helped bring my stuff down. Jason didn’t have classes that afternoon and he skipped his morning class so I’m impressed that he offered to come out to help me during lunch. The driver was very nice to help bring up the things I had bought from the pet store to my room before sending me back to school.

Vik texted me that I could share the cab with Cesar, some Mexican student from school. He needed to go to the same airport, perfect. I rushed back home after classes, called Andy for a change. Pretty much packed everything I wanted to bring back already, just needed one set of clothes really. I didn’t bother bringing my textbooks except French cause lets be honest, im not gonna study. I quicked setup the cage and put Leo inside. Jason arrived at 3.30pm and I texted Cesar to come up and help bring my suitcases down. I took whatever time I had left to hold Leo a little longer just so she knows I still care about her. Cesar came by, with Natalia who pretty much barged in, whatever. They squealed over Leo for a good 10 minutes of course. I would have loved to talk about Leo a little more but we really had to get going. I grabbed my backpack and Cesar carried both my suitcases down, chill~.

Jason kept asking me about which terminal the my flight was which I understand he’s just trying to help but my freaking ticket seriously didn’t have it written down. Heck, even the flight number was confusing. Eventually he called the airport and checked that it was the terminal one but also that my flight was delayed. Shhiiieettt. Jason said once the flight is delayed , oh man, it gets delayed by the hours and I still have a connecting flight to catch! its especially stressful when the lay over is less than 3 hours, I don’t time for this shit man. Anyways along the way, Cesar was a little panicked too cause he was suppose to meet his friend at 4pm, which made me wonder “why the heck did you stand around my apartment making goo goo eyes at my puppy?” He kept trying to contact his friend which he eventually managed to reach. They charged the meet up place and Cesar wanted to go there straight away, so Jason and I were deciding if we had time to send Cesar off first or not cause they were is different directions but Cesar kept insisting that it shouldn’t be that far from the airport. Jason said it would be an extra cost and we decided to send Cesar off first. Damn that silly boy kept insisting that its just a straight route back but boy that isn’t quite how the roads work around here, those are highways.

Fortunately, things went smoothly after, I got to the airport with enough time to check-in and get to my gate. It was not very busy but the staffs’ attitude really annoyed me. There is a security check-in at the entrance. I find myself standing there in front of the security looking at them like “okay, im standing right here waiting to go in, there isn’t anyone else around. What exactly do you want me to do? HELLOOOO!?!?!” UGH they just dazed off and here I am wondering seriously what if that person is in a rush man. Jeez, it was confusing and slow, the staff are so spaced out and nonchalant, how can I take them seriously? I was pretty irritated, tapping my foot impatiently as I waited in line. The lady at check-in was new, she was just transferred from a different department. She had no idea how to check me in so she asked me to go to another counter. The man at the other counter said I need to go check something inside my suitcase, it was just my old broken phone which I kept to download the rest of my photos but then realized was stupid cause im sure the app would need me to access a vpn in china. I headed over to the gate but when I reached the counter I didn’t realize that I was supposed to return to the check-in counter after checking my suitcase, to get my ticket. Urgh, so freakin annoyed but also so very thankful I know Chinese. God damn can’t imagine how I would survive this semester in Shanghai.

I lost my way a little bit when I was trying to find my gate. I arrived 10 minutes before the gate was scheduled to open but it was still delayed and I hadn’t eaten all day except that bit of bread and wine over lunch. I was craving fried chicken and rushed over to KFC for a quick bite. Yum. I struggled trying to pay attention to the announcements. They were very fuzzy and it felt like the Chinese voice was louder than the English one. I returned to the gate, still delayed. If I knew how long the delay would be, I would have loved to walk around and look at the many shops around but I was afraid that the gate would open at any time. I just sat there moping, listening to my music, and wishing I could sigh harder that I already was to express my frustration.

Finely, we board the plane but the expected arrival time was 11pm and I was suppose to be at the gate of my connecting flight at 10.30pm! Panicked, I asked the flight attendant what was I to do? No way was I gonna make it. I was sat between a grandma with long gel nails and a fancy updo she proudly did herself and a working office lady. During the flight, the lady and I both worked on our laptops then there were snack boxes brought to us. Despite the pathetic appearance, I was curious to try whatever “goods” the box possessed inside.

Afterwards, I started watching a movie while the working lady started reading. *sigh* really boosted the confidence in my own intellect. But whatever, I was entertained by the senseless romance movie I was watching. It had a cute passionate skinny girl who believed in the goodness of frozen food while the male lead was a typical handsome tall Eurasian. Might I just add how handsome the young boy was. God, he had such a pretty boy face. The actor was very good at coming off as arrogant in the beginning too. It probably would have been even better if he could have done it in English for the added intonations in his speech. We landed before the movie could end, I expected that.

Its 11pm and I’m stressing out again. I get off the plane and there is an airport staff waiting outside holding a sign with a light of flight numbers, one of them being my connecting flight. I eagerly show him my ticket for that flight, he says bluntly that there is now way I am going to make it and pastes a big red dot on me. He gives me some instructions about a counter on the second floor, I couldn’t really follow but whatever I’ll figure it out somehow. All the passengers pack themselves on a bus to the terminal and I’m making calls to the airline, they can’t help me because I am missing a code. I let out a sign and mutter under my breathe. A man asks me where I am going, I look over my should and answer accordingly. He had a head of mattered thick dark grey with mixed strands of white. He wore a red T shirt layered with a beige button down and a pair of matching shorts. He looked like an archeologist with a face full of sun spots and a pair of simple glasses. Noticing that he too had a big red dot pasted on his chest, I ask him that same question, he said Singapore. Noiice! From there we start talking in English, man that felt good. We quickly learn about each other as we figure out this shitty situation we’re in. It’s the first time to happen to me but a second time for him. He last time happened in china too, he wasn’t surprised. He explained that in china, especially in shanghai, the air trafficking in terrible. The flights are often delayed. We got our tickets rebooked. My earliest flight was the next afternoon at 2pm while his was at 7am. He decided to go with a flight closer to mine so he could at least get some sleep. He went down to our next destination, where we choose an accommodation of our choice within the two options offered by the airline. I went with the serviced apartments, love those, so much space. We exchange wechat information as we wait for the hotel to pick us up. Eventually, we checked into our rooms after midnight and agree to meet up for breakfast the next morning.

Laurent messaged me! So happy to talk to him again. Its so hard to contact him, miss him dearly. He’s usually busy with his internship in London now but he’s also generally bad at responding to texts. I hate that about him. Anyways I told him about my little trip over the weekend and the whole delayed situation. He said my parents were a little over the top to be spending so much for only two days back. He’s probably right but to them it meant a lot and it was worth the expense. Its there money not mine, especially if it makes them happy. Besides the whole idea of a sudden getaway is very exciting and I get to see my dad!

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janzz · 5 years

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day 3: its 3:47am on day 4 and i forgot to write my daily post

really really really trying hard to make this a habit (just for april)

so fail but lol

here’s my post for today

i went to a yoga class tonight in santa clara and it was the yogi’s first time and she was so good omg!

not quite as good as my fave instructor of all time (the bae lauren at moxie yoga in sf)

but yeah kimberly at corepower santa clara square might make me a regular!

(which honestly is super great because i went to class with norma and it was awful LOL) (she played like hardcore edm at a chill class??) (to be fair it was also a level 2 class and i was struggling a little and kimberly’s class was a level 1....)

(oh i went to whole foods in the same plaza right after and ngl im starting to really enjoy just physically being in those fancy ass supermarkets. i went to a new to me nob hill after orangetheory surprisingly also in santa clara ----theyre just nice and clean and beautiful. however spending $45 to get way less stuff than a 99 ranch or something still feels way wrong. i got bananas cashew milk chia seed refill 18 brown eggs (anthony likes the brown ones idk) natural deodorant (cause native has been sucking hard) ginger tofu mushrooms orange juice fancy sprouted bread shredded cheese actually ok when i list that all out its a decent amount for whole foods. the stuff is just smaller yknow like the presliced white mushrooms were $1 for easily like 3 or so oz less)

anyway i find this funny because when i started dating anthony in 2015 he would go to nob hill markets and always claim it was his favorite market (because the chicken he would buy from there would never go bad etc). i thought he was like idk rich af -- to be fair he went to stanford 2x and has his masters and is 2 years older so yeah he is definitely more privileged than me. like i didnt have a preference for cage free brown eggs like i never had the money to spend the extra $1 or 2 on that shit when i was slaving at starbucks AND a second office job.

its really weird how money changes your life. its 2019 and i finally hit the 100k 6 figure mark. it’s honestly been a STRUGGLE to get here, but i’ve learned a lot along the way -- primarily that you HAVE to negotiate and generally just get paid more to improve your life. anyway yeah money doesn’t solve problems but it generally reduces your mental calories and makes things way more convenient.

before when i was poorer, i would have to go out of my way to make sure i was getting the cheapest shell gasoline in the area (still gotta have standards and not give into that arco bullshit). i would never go into whole foods or places like that because my dollar had to stretch further. whenever i would go out with friends before i’d have to be SUPER mindful of what i ordered and i would be EXTRA annoyed when you go out in a group and when splitting venmo people wouldnt pay the extra gratuity and i’d factor in me covering it because as a barista and server its bs when ppl dont tip well

now -- idgaf if i go out to eat a lot or splurge when im out w friends. dropping $50-$100 randomly cause something is on clearance at lululemon is not a big deal. im not anal about my boyfriend and i splitting everything exactly 5050 down the middle cause meh whatever i dont need to be given money back for like the minimal difference. if whole foods is convenient for me to go to after a workout ill go in without batting an eyelash.

it is weird tho being poor and then having money -- like ill go to lululemon but absolutely CANNOT buy anything full price. i still like watching movies but 99% of the time go on discount days cause spending $20 when i could spend $9 feels wrong. whenever i do basic things with my boyfriend, like going to the grocery store or mall, i’m most definitely the most cost conscious -- checking against the value per oz, whereas he just picks whatever and gives no thoughts to it (i think he makes like 240k a year thereabouts, definitely more than double but i dont know the specifics). i drive a 2015 toyota corolla le he drives a nicer but still affordable more luxury sedan hyundai sonata souped up with seat warmers navigation and he’s installed a dash cam and stuff. my car is definitely a commuter car that’s just one level up from the s basic model. when i htink about buying a new car i dont know if i could buy a lexus but yet i sometimes think about getting a tesla instead of a prius

another weird one is getting mad at myself for leaving reusable grocery bags LITERALLY in the trunk and then having to pay the $0.10 per bag. I’ve easily spent at least $15 on bags prob. Before i would be kicking myself hard cause i’d need to pinch pennies. another thing that ive noticed makes me feel “rich” is i can sustain my craft coffee/boba habit just fine and not give a fuck. before i got more mindful of it i htink my my coffee boba budget was like $100 a month. ive always loved craft coffee, but it has to be RIGHT if i was gonna spend $6. when i was living w my parents in san diego going to a new coffee shop and driving up to encinitas or whatever was like THE trip. now i get philz off my mobile app whenever i head out of class or if im feeling like it and its not that special

but yeah, im not rich by any means but it was huge to go from like $16 an hour at my office job/$15.70?? w/ benefits I think that was my starbucks shift supervisor rate/annual salaries of 20k ish to $39k at a law firm in downtown sac (grossly underpaid but at least rent was only $300 at a family friends) back to the law firm job up to $70k. there i got a raise at the same job from 70 to 80k and then 80k to 86.

THEN cause i was privileged enough to have been able to save money making more when i hated my job i just up and quit (i think i had like no more than 5k in savings at the time --it wouldve been more but i spent 3k on prk/lasik). anyway yeah i was lucky af and got a new job in a month -- and the offer for this job was 100k base, 10k bonus, some amount of stock (i still suck at this stuff) and a stupid amount of perks like $1000 gym reimbursement and basically free health insurance -- if i annualize all my pay+perks, assuming i get my full bonus, its prob like 120k.

so i have like 5x ed my income in 4 years since graduating from college.

the crazy part is people that were more privileged than me STARTED at 100k as new grads, including 401ks and what not. im lucky becuase i started mine back when i was 18 at starbucks.

income inequality and access to knowledge/resources has become something ive become more aware about and passionate about over time. me and my boyfriend clashed a lot earlier i think because we literally were in different planes of our lives and income levels. we’ve been together 3 years, but have known each other for 4. we broke up for 1 year in between -- and yeah ngl had i never improved myself or actually reached my income/earning potential we likely would not have gotten back together. additionally him supporting me when we got back together raised me out of not the poverty level but yeah we met and i made 39k. i took the plunge and moved out to sf for myself and lets be real for him too and made 70k which was a huge jump. and in a short 15 months or so i jumped again to 100k base.

im never gonna make as much as he does (men/women blah we can get into that) but yeah even having access to money adjacently is so powerful. anthony never outright gave me money and im too much of a hardass independent person that ive NEVER borrowed money from him, never intend to. i really vehemently despise the idea of free loading but because of him just being around yeah my life has been improved.

when we met in 2015 in our young 20s we were in our have fun phase. i was too poor to have gone to thiings like coachella or out to a concert. he got me into music and made it easy for me to experience because he’d buy the ticket, drinks, pick me up and pay for sf parking. i would likely get dinner ahead of time or something small and generally we would switch so if he got tickets one time i’d get them next. but he ALWAYS paid for drinks and lets be real the occasional not drinks :P he had introduced me to music in such a way that i was willing to drop $800 or so on coachella + car camping + take pto days even when we were broken up 10ish months or whatever it was the first time we dated but if you think about it he likely dropped at least 1k on me during those 10 months without batting an eye lash. i made 39k at the time working in downtown sacramento and he made 90k base (maybe 115k total comp) living in SF.

despite just basic things like me being immature for 23 -- a big reason i think we broke up at the time was the income level inequality. it was both our first jobs out of school (first job out of stanford grad for him, he immediately got his masters out of undergrad). i did a round of uc davis, community, uc davis.

he told me he was breaking up with me because when we met i had originally wanted to be a lawyer and then didnt end up pursuing that path and he saw it as a lack of ambition/drive. what he didnt see was general growing up and not having access to lawyers as i grew up, just me working at this really top tier A+ law firm and feeling out of place as an asian woman working with rich WASPs. me wearing pencil skirts and having major impostor syndrome. what he did end up seeing was an insecure version of myself in our relationship with me bending over backwards to make him happy.

when i moved to sf and made 70k it definitely was a huge ego boost to make that additional 30k, but to be real, here in sf and paying more rent than i was in sac and SD/just general living being expensive 70k wasnt that much. what it did for my confidence though was priceless (i was an ea to a ceo at a tech startup). i really grew into myself and was more confident in my abilities -- and honestly a lot of that was just getting older and knowing that i was good at things, bad at certain things and i wasnt going through my quarterlife/post grad crisis anymore.

then those raises to 80k and 86k made me more ballsy. these things were obvi practiced with anthony as i had a partner to discuss and practice with/an educated thought partner. at this time anthony was making $150k base or so (after realizing he had been grossly underpaid as a PM for the 90k initial salary)

all of this set me up to basically make my position what it is now AND for it to be 100k. tbh im a glorified low level coordinator at a big company. i honest to goodness for the first three months probably worked a total of 2ish hours a day? this role should probably max out at 90k. and by max out i mean this role likely shouldve started at 75k with incremental raises to get to 90 in like 3 years. i STARTED at 100 and can likely if i play my cards right be promoted to a program manager in a year (or less). that’ll prob bump me to a base of 120 or so if i’m aggressive.

i always shitted on sf when i moved here because i hate the tech bros, the elitist ppl, the vcs who think theyre out here changing the world but seriously being surrounded by people that went to ivy leagues or the UC’s that were better than mine have honestly, like my boyfriend, just uplifted my status. something as small as casual lunch time conversation being more intellectual makes a huge difference for me re: how stimulated i feel and how much more energized ive become because of ppl around me. i def still have impostor syndrome all the time but its been so much growth from 23 to 27.

30s should be great because ill be well into my career by then and making even more and closing the gap even more w my boyfriend. its funny too cause hes 29 now AND FINALLY getting that postgrad quarter life crisis. his privilege was able to offset him to have this crisis later on in life where he made more money and could make smarter choices. privilege really is the thing that keeps on giving and im grateful to have started poor and really appreciate it. as i make more money i also care more and more to give back. if i ever do run for office in my 50s or whatever im gonna push for more access to education and arts. i had an interest in this as an undergrad but couldnt pursue it because itd be a lifetime of poverty, but yeah who knows.

dang this went long but it is really interesting when i think about money and how much its effected me. im lucky i was able to raise myself out of the level my immigrant parents brought me and my sister to. them moving out of the philippines was the best thing that ever happened to me. the second is them fronting the bill for my university education. the privilege i have is extremely special and important and i want to honor their sacrifices because im sitting on a 100k because of decades of hard work and frugality on their ends.

im fucking lucky.

we gotta pass on the resources and uplift those around us if we are fortunate.

...another rant altogether but i wish the leadership in the United States thought the same way.

(end: 4:36am, why do i do this to myself)

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