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shadowintegration · 4 years

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I’m trying to figure out why the universe is sending my failing friendships with people who disrespect me and then leave dramatically and paint me as evil.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

They disrespected me

They hid their true feelings from me

I ignored the bad feeling in my gut

I drew a boundary and they left*

They blame me for our fallout

*on this note, I was thinking.... with the one girl, I was hurting for an extended period of time. She did a lot of hurtful things including talking shit about me while she stayed in my house for free (including meals!) but I had been holding my pain inside in hopes to preserve our friendship. One day I finally snapped and sent her a less than respectful audio telling her to back off and give me space to heal from how she hurt me. (I regretted not waiting a few days because at DBT we learned a communication technique that I could have used had I known it, but at the same time I let her knowingly hurt me for way too long already. And it’s valid of her to be upset that I disrespected her, but she is blind to how many many many times she has disrespected me time and time again and in so many different ways. I think it comes from excessive pride. I am humble enough to admit that I handled all of these friendship conflicts in a less than graceful way. I am still learning after all. A year ago about I tried to reach out to her and apologize, I sent a fucking paragraph! And I was hurt that she replied with a one sentence apology so I made a venting post on my blog just like one sentence and she saw it and took it so so personally and said this is why we can’t be friends ever again don’t ever check my blog again... which like ok.......... I’m allowed to be offended by your fake ass apology that lacked effort and introspection but that’s fine if you’re too prideful to think you did anything wrong. I still pray for you. I still care about you and your family’s wellbeing.

**this point is also not entirely accurate for someone else I have blocked on tumblr. I was forward with her about being willing to be whatever she wanted whether it was friends or a little more, and after that conversation where she didn’t directly say “no” (but her vibe check definitely said NO) she assumed that I was IN LOVE with her. OBSESSED and PINING. How fucking false and self centered, for one thing. And also stop living out of your past trauma!!! I am NOT your abusive EX!! I am also not the person he painted me as, but you must have believed him on some level. Clearly, since you were so thoroughly committed to misunderstanding me and assuming I had all these feelings that were actually all projected from within herself. One day, I was just trying to have a conversation with her as a friend. And I suppose, it’s important to acknowledge at this point I had instituted a policy of honesty, because hiding my truth and my feelings was a huge factor in my prior hospitalization. I was fucking gaslighting myself for years by telling everyone I was “fine” or “just tired”. Dishonesty when answering “how are you” was a form of self harm for me. This girl was offended that she habitually decided to ask how I was and then push for more personal questions to be answered. Very intrusive questions! At the time I thought: she must be really interested in psychology and wants to develop an emotionally intimate friendship. I was fucking WRONG. She was asking me all the questions she wanted someone to ask her. When I would answer honestly (which was CONSISTENTLY a “más o menos” kind of answer like yeah I’m ok but I’m a bit sad today. Like... clearly stating that IM OK but I also am dealing with my mental illness and that’s ok because I know how to do it - it’s my life bro I know how to take care of myself!) she would take my answers, focus on the negative clause in the complex sentence, and hyper focus on it, projecting her unresolved and repressed negative feelings unto me. She snapped at me one day in an attempt to “draw a boundary” apparently (everytime I say “apparently” here, I mean I heard this through a third party) . I couldn’t tell it was her drawing a boundary because it was so fucking out of the blue and was just her misdirected anger (which I’m sure she was angry at herself & we will come back to that shortly)... she used an emotional abuse tactic (manipulating me to make me feel guilty for her actions and lack of self prioritization/ self care) to make me feel bad for consistantly being honest. Apparently, my honesty was overwhelming her and she wanted to draw a boundary to protect herself from my depression. And that’s valid! It’s her methods that I have a problem with!!

To be honest, I was super uncomfortable with probably 85% of the questions she would ask me because they were super personal and (honestly hindsight is 20/20) because I’ll absolutely never go that into detail about my symptoms to anyone who asks who’s not my doctor ever again. No one needs to know my daily struggles that intimately!!! Only the doctor who’s working with me on treatment should know about that! It’s not like I’m necessarily hiding it, I just don’t feel comfortable ever sharing that truth with anyone else ever again (unless they are treating me because my feelings are no ones responsibility to take on.) so like we were kind of on the same page on a “gut” level - we both wanted a boundary and I guess neither of us could enforce one correctly. I realize now I could have refused to answer her questions. But anyways... She snapped at me, saying that I was too much and that she was super stressed and trying to cram for an exam (earlier in the convo she said she was studying, and personally I have studied while talking to friends simultaneously so I thought nothing of it. But clearly she meant to say: “I’m busy studying for an exam I have to concentrate I’ll ttyl.” IT REALLY WAS THAT SIMPLE TO ENFORCE A BOUNDARY RESPECTFULLY, GIRL. but no. She blamed me for distracting her [which, ok sorry for trying to talk to a friend, if you had self control and self respect you would either turn off your notifications or stop checking your messages as a form of self care in order to focus on your priorities. That’s all on you.] and then she projected how bad her mental state was unto me, saying that “she couldn’t need what I need her to be” (even though she said that right before the snap/paragraph and I had replied gracefully “you don’t need to be anyone but yourself 😊” clearly she didn’t hear that 🙄 didn’t want to admit that she was just a friend and not a Savior) so yeah anyways she projected her repressed and ill-controlled mental illness unto me. If she hadn’t repressed herself and her truth (as I refused to do) she wouldn’t have blown up. She blamed me for all the things she felt and never showed me. When I would ask how she was she was always “fine” or “tired” (sounds familiar? Yeah I already grew out of that, like I said) and I honestly refuse to accept the blame for her personal emotional neglect and disproportionate response to my honesty. To me, it is clear that she was angry with herself for not being honest with herself, she was angry with herself for not being able to focus and prioritize her studies, she was angry that she was hurting inside so badly but I didn’t even know because she was never honest with me or herself.

I do feel badly about ghosting her. I never replied. But... She said I’m that last paragraph all I needed to know: she needed to study. She needed space. She didn’t want to hear my truth again. She was incapable of properly respecting herself, so it was only natural that she would accidentally disrespect her friends. She wasn’t ready to confront her truth. ... I knew then that she wasn’t ready to heal, she wasn’t ready to address the real cause of her problems, she was only trying to get through things day by day. That’s fine. We’re all at different points in our journey.

It’s funny how this is in many ways reminiscent of the first girl that left me, but instead of me hiding my pain, she was hiding her pain, and the resulting explosion/attempt at a boundary was disrespectful. Clearly, pain distorts our thought process and makes us lash out when we feel unheard, even if we were the ones hiding our pain. Trying to protect the other through dishonesty only hurts ourselves in the end.

Maybe that’s the lesson. Honesty. Respect.

#soul searching #interesting pattern universe #pattern #universe #source #lessons #karma #personal

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