#or seeing me meltdown and make it 100x worse

[otterjpg]

y'all i went to see lil nas x this evening and he was transcendental but my journey back was so hellish that its really ruined my night and i feel like shit...

im a nonconfrontational person but had to snap at this group of drunk adults multiple times on the train.

my friend uses a wheel chair and we were in the only carriage with an accessible space. so ofc a pack of drunk middle aged people crowded round us.

the lack of self awareness was astounding. the noise was a given but they also fully leant on me, kicked a wheelchair users legs multiple times by accident and didnt acknowledge nor apologise. cue me snapping for the first time when one of them leant on me, i moved, and she turned round and had the gall to ask "have i upset you?" wow samantha, what do you think?

then the guard asked them to turn their music down (bc ofc they were playing music) and they almost started a fight. when the guard left they put the music back on, and my friend had already gone into a full meltdown by that point, so i firmly asked them to calm down as my friend was obviously visibly distressed, a whole 2 feet away from them so really impossible not to notice.

from then on one of them kept staring at both me and my friend so unsubtly.

after I caught her staring at my friend, i proper locked eyes with her, which to me was a clear "youre staring too long, too obvious, please stop" but to her apparently translated to "oh dearest jackie. despite you and your compatriots having caused this, you are actually my only hope of helping my friend out of this. you see, he needs the soothing touch of a stranger - me and my other friend have very clearly not reached out to comfort him but thats only because we are counting on you, again, a stranger who caused this, to step in and stroke his hair instead. we totally havent left him to it because touching him will make everything 100x worse"

anyway then chaboy had to snap a third time 🙃

#i learnt all their names bc they were so fucking obnoxious #when i say adults i mean aged 40-65 btw #like. they all should have known better #what makes me the maddest is that the train carriages quitened and they could have moved down and given us space. but they DIDNT #theres only one wheelchair space we couldnt have moved #but they could of and just. didnt. at any fucking point

[justtogetthrough]

I had a meltdown today and my friend was having a pretty shitty day too and it's not that we fought, bc we're actually reasonable people at our cores and when it got really shitty they backed down idk if to placate me or because they really hadn't considered the experiences that would lead me to do the thing they were suggesting I not do, and we came to an understanding.

But the whole mid day period was just tense and everything we said clashed and so I've avoided messaging them this evening because I'm afraid they're getting overwhelmed with me being in crisis and I am so god damn terrified that even just one month of me living here, granted with a very ill-timed acute crisis, is enough to send them over. So I'm trying to back off but my therapist canceling this week has really fucked everything over 100x worse because these are the only two IRL supports I have. And without the professional I pay to help with this shit, I am conscious that this leaves me with one single person to help me on an entirely voluntary basis and if this were anyone else I'm sure they'd have up and left already.

I took a medication today I haven't in months and I think it helped. I was actually able to settle a bit for the first time in a literal week of intense crisis, it feels like the only break I've had from constant dysregulation. I am so afraid of myself right now and I am so afraid of losing my friend because of this. I am certain my self destructiveness is what has made me lose my other friends in the past, and the destruction this week has been on a whole new level. My friend hasn't had to see it though, and hasn't had to find out about it in real time, and I'm trying to limit details but some come out when I'm freaking out however that has to be a different subjective experience than actually dealing with me during? I don't know. I wish the hospital had formed me days ago. I'm trying to avoid a third trip tomorrow to get the staples out but I'm not sure I can reach the back of my leg and I don't know which would be worse at this point, asking my friend to remove staples from my body when they didn't even know staples were a THING until this weekend, or showing up at the hospital again. If I go the hospital route I feel like I need to ask them to admit me but I'm trying to not make this small town hospital grow to hate me within my first weeks of living here.

I'm hoping the pliers arrive tomorrow and I'm hoping I can get this shit out of my leg and I'm hoping that if I take this medication at regular intervals it'll take the intensity down. I can't manage like this. I know I'll sleep like shit again tonight because of the staples and stitches waking me up but maybe tomorrow night will be better. I need something to get better. I can't sustain this.

#personal #cw cutting #actuallyborderline #this is such a borderline tornado it physically hurts from the cliché

[subtext-bycalvinklein]

Okay listen I am a very emotional fucker and I know by now everyone has gone feral about "You go too fast for me, Crowley" but consider this: I'm about to make it worse with love languages

It is a well-known fact by now that Crowley's main love language is acts of service and dw I'm not about to dispute that but!!! I've never read anything about Aziraphale's, and after careful consideration, I'm pretty sure he's mostly attuned to quality time and gift-giving/receiving*, which really makes every single one of their interactions feel 100x more painful imho (you thought Crowley doing the acts of service-y equivalent of screaming at the top of his lungs "I LOVE YOU ANGEL" throughout history was bad? Try watching knowing that every time Aziraphale asks Crowley to spend time together it's his own way to say "I love you") but ESPECIALLY the 1967 scene like . I kid you not . I've been having meltdowns about it for a solid two weeks and it gets worse and worse.

Because what do we have there? Aziraphale, albeit reclutantly, comes bearing the gift of holy water** [I hate this but I love you too much not to help. Take care.]

And then Crowley, who hasn't had a single fucking chill in his entire existence, thanks him and offers him a ride home, which we've seen him do in 1941 as well. [Thank you. I know you didn't want to do this. Let me love you.]

The stark difference from 1941 and all the other times they get in the car together, it's Aziraphale's reaction: he rejects the offer of a lift, but he also tells Crowley that maybe someday they could spend time together in what are typical date settings (like,,,, I literally cannot emphasize enough how much of a romantic vibe has this whole thing I cannot believe this!!! Dinner at the Ritz!!! Picnics!!! I don't know dude add even a movie theater!!!). It's very telling because to me it seems that Aziraphale, once he has caught up with the whole OK MAYBE I'M IN LOVE WITH THIS VERY KIND SNAKE DEMON WHO KEEPS SAVING MY LIFE, is actually able to see Crowley's acts of service for what they are. Him refusing the lift but offering his own equivalent of a "let me love you", just not right now, is Aziraphale's way of saying "Don't. I can't accept your love right now because it's too dangerous. But maybe one day we'll be able to make it and I will show you how much I love you and so stay safe, my dear, please don't use this***, look forward to us loving each other freely one day".

The thing is: I am not sure Crowley has Completely Read Between The Lines.

On the one hand, he doesn't act like a gentledemon who has lost all hope on romancing his angel. Present time!Crowley seems to have slowed down considerably, but his offers are more consistent with Aziraphale's desire for quality time, as if he knows what kind of attention his angel is more partial to.

On the other hand, he doesn't seem to see that the crux of the matter isn't even Crowley's speed, per se, but the very real threat of destruction: imho Aziraphale, hadn't Hell and Heaven been on their tails, would have been ready in 1967. His rejections are, time and time again, based on the fact that they aren't safe, and Crowley's safety is his priority, even over both their own feelings. And Crowley, who loves so fiercely, who burns and burns and is ready to scream his allegiance to Aziraphale to the whole universe, doesn't seem to grasp how most of the angel's actions are a misguided attempt at protection.

And so, in 1967, he asks one more time. Let me. Let us at least try. I love you, I'll take you anywhere you want. Because Crowley believes that it's better to love and lose than not to indulge in the feeling at all.

Aziraphale, tho, has a very different view of the matter: to him, it's better to pine from afar than to lose the object of his affection. Aziraphale is careful, and whereas Crowley is cleverness and desire of knowledge despite how much it might cost, he's a protector. So he squares up, he does his Painfully, Tenderly, Pining look, and says "You go too fast for me, Crowley". I can't do this. I cannot be the reason you burn. Give me time: to find a loophole, to save us both. Give me time because I love you but I cannot deal with the consequences.

And really, this whole scene? Took my heart, burned it, then glued the ashes together and put them through a shredder.

*I know most people tend to categorise into one single love language but,,, that's not precisely how it works??? Each one of us is more receptive to one or two of them. That doesn't even mean that you're completely blind to the others, it just takes more time and kind of a cognitive effort in recognising them.

**what makes me think that he's also very receptive to gift-giving and receiving is that he actually had his Revelation moment when Crowley gave him the books, an act which can be misconstrued as gift-giving as well as an act of service.

Also, @tony-stark-smile pointed out to me that Aziraphale giving Crowley the holy water CAN be seen as an act of service. Imho if we look at it from Aziraphale's pov it's more of a "I'm giving you something" thing, but if we look at it from Crowley's pov, it's more of a "I'm saving you from inconveniencing (and endangering) yourself". Same applies to the books in 1941.

***I don't actually think Crowley intended to use it as a suicide pill, but that's how Aziraphale sees it through the whole thing, so I'm pretty sure it was also a way to ask him to hang on

#good omens #ineffable husbands #good omens spoilers #meta in pillole #good omens meta #does this make any sense? i dont think so #it's uber hot outside and i wanted an excuse to avoid studying ok #maybe one day I'll elaborate this stuff in a fic but who tf knows

[magic-multicolored-miracle]

Adventures in Liveblogging: Shye Watches “Phantom” Youtube Stream

So I watching this and was jotting down thoughts as I went along. And now if you click that read more you are going to be subjected to all of them because I am feeling a lot right now.

To be honest, I’ve only ever seen one stage production of Phantom before now, a local production in my hometown and it was very clearly based on the movie more than the original script. So a lot of my reacting is to the differences. And also just being emotional

I am in unquestioning awe of ballet dancers. Like generally but also these ones

I love the Hannibal costumes 100x more in the stage production than the movie

Blech. I hate this version of the managers. They creep.

I actually feel for Carlotta. Why did they make her so awful instead of tragic?

“That this was never meant to be…”

Oh these lyric changes change things

I’m going to need Raoul to only sing, because his speaking voice is a bit annoying

That was not the key I was expecting. How is that going to counter Raoul’s when it sounds similar? I mean I like it but…

Digging the sparkly cloak, but not the hat. The hat is a little Inspector Gadget

Okay. Music of the Night as a plea (and straight hypnotism?) instead of seduction…I am feeling a lot of confusing feelings

Being covered with his cloak when she passes out? Now that is some Good Shit

Awkward, loud, key-mashing goes unnoticed but she’s woken by the quiet music box?

I like this little teasing/playful reaching for the mask. It’s a fun bit of levity

Oh this is scary-dangerous-Phantom not dramatic-temper-tantrum-Phantom. Like this Phantom might actually hurt her not just smash furniture

I like this Bouquet better, less of lech

Being in the office and their stressed attitudes make more sense than shouting around the foyer, but Firman in particular is…bad? Too much? I don’t know but I don’t love it

Same size note, many more words. Which means he used PTO on Firman’s for effect only. We love a dramatic bitch

I want’ Carlotta’s dress in this scene. Also she looks done with the managers’ shit and for that we stan (am I using that right?)

I didn’t think the Il Mutto costume could get worse but yikes!

Aw…we didn’t interrupt the production. Where is the petty drama?

Even more blatant disregard of instructions, what morons.

That pageboy costume. Hello my name is Gay

Oh good, we are in fact being MORE of a Petty Dramatic Bitch. Love it. Is the malicious chuckle necessary? No. But are we doing it anyway? Hell yes.

See this Bouquet didn’t even do anything to deserve to die. He was just minding his own business.

“He’ll kill me” not you. Interesting…

This Raoul is much more expressive. His confusion, fear, love are more obvious

The Desperation. The Longing. The LOVE. My heart can’t take it.

Pretty sure this song in my formative years is why I have unrealistic expectations for romance. Also, the spin-lift while kissing. Which this one pairs with a delighted laugh. I can’t.

Oof, the heartbreak turned to rage.

Pre-finale chandelier dramatics. Taunting. Excite

Is it weird that an ominous organ cord is comforting?

That is a Walmart Halloween skeleton costume Firman (or are you Andre? I don’t know I haven’t bothered to care which is which)

Ah the gaudy glory of a Masquerade! I love these costumes. And Christine’s boots. I could gush about nothing but the wardrobe for days but I’ll try to refrain a little.

I feel like y’all should have discussed this before the middle of a party

Is someone in the crowd dressed as the music box monkey?

Eh…that Death costume is a bit…much

Oh, the stage version skips the insults. I might work with that…

Notes gets a reprise?!

All of Carlotta’s looks are incredible. And also Christine’s dress right now. But I really want to talk about Carlotta who is a plus-size woman whose appearance is not a joke and who looks drop dead gorgeous every time she’s on stage. It’s amazing

Ah, here’s the insults I was expecting.

Oh this song is a goldmine I wasn’t expecting the order though I have many emotions and many more ideas

Raoul, cupcake, don’t threaten the madman. You can’t compete.

Ooh a piano plays itself. Clever.

I definitely can’t do this song justice. It scares me that I have to try. God is it daunting.

Okay, what the fuck is that hat?

I wish I could hear Raoul, but the other two overpower him

Taunting and tricks over direct confrontation. That’s an interesting approach

You’ve built your own tomb you idiots. He clearly has secret ways around and you’ve trapped yourself in the theatre

Okay, I don’t like this set of costumes. Except, once again, Carlotta’s. She looks fantastic

The clarity of this Christine’s voice makes me realize how many lines I miss with Emmy Rossum. But I kind of love that. Adds to the hazy memory premise of it

I like that this is more clearly seduction within planned choreography and Christine is uncertain if it’s in character or not. Sadly the costuming kind of looks like seducing a Nazgûl though.

Meg is far more emotional and is taking Piangi’s death very poorly

Oh, we’re actually harming Christine. That makes Raoul’s pleas more logical. Even if I was team Phantom (which I’m not) I wouldn’t be anymore

I mean you were literally just choking her out, so…

That is a fair reaction to seeing your love kiss a murdering psychopath, especially while strung up with a noose. They don’t try too hard to stay pretty with their faces. A+

He’s letting you go. Don’t try to fight him, just leave Raoul

Oh this is much more of a meltdown.

Okay this hurts. This tearful, regretful goodbye. No don’t look back. I can’t…

That is a real good outfit, Meg. We are back to Hello my name is Gay.

Nothing but the mask left behind…

I get that it’s not plausible in a live theatre setting but I miss the chandelier drop. That is my only true complaint and it’s a small thing.

This was a delight and I am FLOATING

Who is the woman in the gorgeous purple dress during curtain call?

Oh I love the smile of pride on Hadley Fraser’s face, especially as he introduces Sierra Boggess. Curtain calls make me feel a special kind of way

Andrew Lloyd Weber looks like he’s been crying and I want to give him a hug

Bless them. Bless this cast and company and orchestra and creative team. Bless them all.

Oh. Oh god. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Shut up. It’s beautiful.

#Phantom of the Opera #Royal Albert Hall 25th Anniversary performance #I tried to put context but also not #there is just so much happening in my brain now #the stream is available for like 24-48 hours depending on where you are #and I highly recommend it #or at least the end #really post curtain call was a whole other level of emotional as ALW brought out past performers and group performances #semi-liveblogging

[my-inner-imogen]

Squirrel, Interrupted.

All right, I knew it would happen eventually and here we go. Long post about mental illness ahead, in case you have ever been curious but afraid to ask:

Once upon a time a therapist told me I showed signs of bipolar disorder (I disagree, but whatever), and my insurance and money ran out before we got a definitive answer. I have posted here and told people about the anxiety and depression that I experience, but I rarely talk about mania (it happens far less frequently than the other two). So, why not? Read on if you're intrigued, otherwise you may scroll...

It usually starts with me being much more sensitive to noises (example: incessant yapping of certain coworkers I won't name). Lights are too bright, so I like to be in dim or no light. Heat and cold, having to pee, a hair tickling me, pretty much any sensation, is 100x more intense. This triggers long periods of anxiety, which I usually try to squash with either a) sleeping too much or b) taking on projects. Usually B.

You may have noticed my recent head-first dive in to bowling. Don't be surprised if I muse about wanting to join the PBA tour. What is a "hobby" to most folks becomes an obsession pretty quickly for me sometimes, especially if I am good at it or in the case of bowling, I suck but I still have fun doing it (ahem, genealogy).

Other things my brain thinks it wants that are completely unattainable: I like to sing in my car. "I should be on American Idol!"

I dance to a song, I should take tap classes (I actually spent HOURS last time I was manic trying to learn Scottish Highland Dancing and hula hoop dancing, and this is where I realized I am slightly more coordinated than a gerbil on methamphetamines).

To the slightly more practical: Three huge SMART Goals? Pppssshhhhh. No big deal.

I need to get back to the daily gym routine I was on before (this is actually not a BAD idea. Daily exercise has been the only thing that has shown improvement in my mental balance).

I also have three photo book projects brewing in my mind. I signed up for volunteering at a raptor center. I'm culling old design work for another project that is still in the "daydream" stage, and of course there are a ton more I won't bother listing because I likely won't be able to attain any of them.

My brain will be convinced I have energy when there is no energy left. I will push my limits. I will crash and burn. Then anxiety about "not living up to my goals" will begin, and then depression will begin again.

I might make little changes to my appearance, I might make drastic changes. I might go get a tattoo. I might dye my hair. I might chop off all my hair. I might pierce something. I won't think before I do it. I will just show up like that. I might interrupt you while you are talking (worse than I already do). I might annoy the shit out of you babbling about birds (more than I already do). I might dance or make jokes at inappropriate times. I might embarrass you by blurting things out without thinking first. I might talk for hours, just blurting out all the things that strike my mind. And it gets dark sometimes. I might have a complete meltdown and scare the shit out of you (I did this at Staples once. No fun). I will see things in the dark that aren't what I think they are (the nightmare man). I might insist you said something to me when you didn't, and I can't explain what I heard or where it came from. I used to go to the bar a lot the last time this happened, so maybe I will drink more than usual, who knows? I will have nightmares. I might have nocturnal panic attacks. This is usually triggered by not getting enough sleep in the first place.

BUT, I have learned to control it a bit more than I used to. Just know that sooner or later I will go back to "normal". Please be patient. Most of all, please, please, please don't think you have to walk on eggshells around me or treat me any differently than you normally would. This has happened with people in my past where they thought they had to change when I changed, that is not true. I have lost dear friends over this.

Anyway, that's all.

XO ❤❤