#please boost tumblr loves hiding posts with links <3

[artsyaprilmr]

Split Pomegranate Zine is OUT!!!

Here's a little sneak peak of my piece for the zine! I am so honored to be a part of this project and to be able to help my people in the homeland by using my art :'^)

Please check out the Split Pomegranate Zine by following >this< link! You will get 175 pages of the most beautiful and diverse art (think painting, writing, poetry, sculpting and many more!) from 93 participants while also supporting vulnerable populations in Armenia <333

#splitpomegranatezine #charity zine #armenia #armenian #please boost tumblr loves hiding posts with links <3 #so happy it's out guys it's gorgeousssss

[dragonheart2497]

things twitter migrants may find useful that dont often get included in "how to tumblr" posts

1- queueing!

instead of feeling bad for spam-reblogging and clogging up other people's feeds, you can click the dropdown and add it to your queue instead!

you can edit how many times a day your queue posts, and between what hours. You can easily re-order or completely shuffle your queue as well!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REBLOG STUFF. Tumblr doesn't run on an algorithm!! YOU are responsible for putting cool stuff onto your followers feeds!

"but if i reblog too much people can't see my posts!" i have just the thing for you

2- personal tags

You can have different tags you use on your blog to help people navigate! for example, i use "dh rb art" when I reblog art and "dh rb" for most other reblogs- that's so that people can filter my reblogs out of their feeds if they dont wanna see that, and only want my original posts to show up.

On the other hand, my art is tagged "dh2497" so they can easily search my account for it!

If you open a person's blog and click the search button, a list of Featured Tags will show up. By default this is just the blogger's most used tags, but you can customize what shows up on yours in your blog settings

You can follow entire hashtags too! if you wanna see hermitcraft fanart without following every hermitcraft artist, follow the tag :D

3- Filtering

Tumblr actually hides things you don't wanna see, very nicely!

In your account settings, you can filter specific tags, and even specific words that show up in the post.

sometimes different bloggers warning tag differently (i do [trigger] tw or [content] cw) so you can try to input every variant, but if its something you really want to avoid just put it in the post content as well. Blocklists aren't really a tumblr thing, so if you wanna avoid an entire community you can block their tag as well

NEVER. CENSOR. YOUR WARNINGS. PLEASE. On twitter or tiktok or wherever, you may have to do that or else the algorithm suppresses it- THERES NO ALGORITHM HERE!!! if someone reblogs your post, it will show up for others, don't worry!!! you're just bypassing filters placed for people's safety, if you censor words.

Also! don't worry too much if a word you wanna filter is commonly used in unrelated contexts- tumblr doesn't remove it entirely, but rather adds a 'spoiler' so that you have to click on it to view it. So just in case it is what you want to avoid, you have time to prepare to see it.

4- effective tagging

[read more in detail here] Only the first 5 tags will show up for people who follow the hashtag. That makes them the most important! Then, the first 20 tags will make the post show up when searching that tag. The rest of them do not give your post any visibility.

I see a lot of people reblogging art with fanart tags- that can be useful for searching back the tag in the reblogger's blog specifically, but doesn't actually give the OP more visibility in that tag.

You'll learn what tags to use by checking the content you come across! most communities are "[word]blr", and most fanart goes "#[character/show] fanart". tumblr tags can have spaces!

Lastly, a few notes

you will only have 1 PRIMARY blog. this will appear when you like a post, comment on a post, or follow a blog. your sideblogs will not link back to your primary blog, but you cannot do those interactions as those sideblogs.

artists love receiving compliments when you reblog!! commenting does NOT boost the post. most people put their compliments in the TAGS of their reblog, so that it doesn't become a long post/thread, and if people reblog the reblog of your reblog you won't keep gettings notifications about it. The artist will still see and very much appreciate it

read up on tumblr etiquette, do not treat this place like twitter or you'll be disliked lol. there are some 'big blogs' but follower counts aren't public, popularity isn't a contest here. make friends, or just block/ignore people you don't get along with. no one cares about your petty arguments

if you noticed the lil cat in my screenshots, that's from a very useful browser extension called XKit!! it enables 1-click queue reblogs (automatically adding your tags), mass-post editing, and lots of other great tweaks vanilla tumblr doesn't have! and the cat is a silly cute thing you can enable in it as well

#hermitblr #trafficblr #empiresblr #hermittwt #traffictwt #how to use tumblr #how to tag on tumblr #tumblr help #i didnt mean for this to be a whole tutorial thing but if it helps one person it's worth the hour i spent on this

[transterrorweek]

Trans Terror Week 2021

We’re back for another year of Trans Terror Week, brought to you by mods @jamesclarkross, @solomontoaster, and, joining us for the first time, @boilyerheid​, who created this years’ graphics and will be running our new Twitter page! 

Trans Terror Week will run from November 14-20.

The rules are the same a last year, however, this year we have a new FAQ page (for the mobile accessible FAQ go here) to help with clarification. Thank you to everyone who took the survey earlier in the year to help us make the event better and more inclusive. 

Rules and Reminders:

This event is for anyone who is trans, nonbinary or is currently questioning their gender. Our goal is to uplift trans content creators in the Terror fandom and we encourage cis creators to show their support for their trans compatriots. 

There is NO restriction on type of content: art, fics, edits, playlists, videos, everything is welcome!

November 14th is also for Creator Spotlights, make a post highlighting your works and we’ll give you a boost!

Please tag your works #transterrorweek/#transterrorweek2021 and/or ping us @transterrorweek to make sure we see your stuff! I recommend using both as a fail safe since Tumblr loves to hide notifications and posts.

Fics can also be added to the Ao3 collection. Simply search for “Trans Terror Week” when posting your fic or follow the link on our blog. Our FAQ has instructions for posting anonymously. 

Prompts:

This years prompts are all from poems. As last year, there are two sets of prompts one gendery and one Franklin expedition related. The gender prompts come from a selection of poems by trans, nonbinary and two-spirit authors and the Franklin prompts all come from David Solway’s poetry collection Franklin’s Passage. More information on the poems can be found on our Prompts Page.

Day 1: the way yr hand/cups my belly like water - Summer Haiku | reciting/the litany/of wind and ice - This is a story

Day 2: some comparable/soft bodied animal that drifts - Exquisite Corpse | the plea disguised as transcript,/tragedy presenting itself as information. - The words are fitted

Day 3: Scratching at the name you will inherit - It is velocity that penetrates | Are you ready to deal with polar mirages? - Ask yourself these questions

Day 4:  I heave/with your waters and all/they have unmoored - Lake Champlain at Flood Level | We keep the ship clean/for the lady in the long white dress - You can’t eat saxifrage and harebells.

Day 5: Is a mistaken carcass a place for memory? - same title | whether burning on re-entry/or freezing at departure - We trace identical descent 

Day 6: the body is not the only ocean - The Year You Bloom | I am walking into the snow/that blinds the eye and makes everything clear. - I am walking in the direction

Day 7: I had thought to be the one to murder you - Dear Gender: An Elegy | a bill of provisions is an empty promise/and words do not sustain us in extremity. - They would gladly have traded the Passage

#transterrorweek #transterrorweek2021 #the terror #the terror amc #the terror 2018

[stsg-winterevent]

🤍📅 SATOSUGU WINTER EVENT GENERAL INFO AND GUIDELINES 📅🖤

Schedule

October 15-29: Sign-Ups October 30-November 4: Match-Ups November 1: Deadline to join the Discord Server November 5-7: Release of Assignments November 30: First Check-In December 30: Second Check-In January 31: Third Check-In February 7-11: Reveals (dates tentative) February 28-March 4: Pinch Hitter Submissions Deadline (dates tentative)

General Rules and Guidelines:

All written works will be posted at AO3, while artworks can be posted on Tumblr or Twitter. Don’t forget to tag your giftee!

Minimum word count for fanfic: 1,500 words

In order to avoid any discomfort among the participants of this exchange event, NSFW content with characters that are below the age of 18 is not allowed. If there should be an instance that this happens, such works will not be acknowledged nor be boosted in the exchange event’s Twitter and Tumblr accounts.

For art: a piece that is more substantial than a sketch-colored, grayscale, partial/full render. You can also do comic strips.

There is no restriction on ratings, but be sure to tag your works properly. a) Tag trigger warning properly. -If you are still unsure of what these trigger warnings are, feel free to ask the moderators so that they can assist you. b) For explicit/R-18 works, please tag them properly and hide your work behind a cut tag or link. c) We highly encourage participants to tag whether it’s SatoSugu or SuguSato. Some fans have a strong preference on who tops or bottom. To avoid any conflicts, we encourage you to tag your works.

All works must be endgame SatoSugu/SuguSato.

Participants are not allowed to use old works for this exchange.

As per AO3′s rules, we will not allow posted works to link to websites that ask for payment/tips (like ko-fi).

Since this is an exchange, don’t forget to show your love to your gift! We kindly ask everyone to respect the creators joining this event. Any form of harassment or hate will not be tolerated. If there should be an instance where this happens, please contact any of the moderators.

If any of the contributors of this event choose to participate in any form of bullying towards anyone in the community, a disqualification will be effective.

If a participant is to back out, please contact us immediately before December 1, 2021.

below the cut are the guidelines and procedures regarding sign-ups

Sign-up procedures and guides:

First check-in: Concept/synopsis/outline of the work will be shown for writers, whereas it’s a sketch for artists.

Second check-in: Contributors must be at least 50% done with their work.

Third check-in: Few modifications to the work will remain at this point and will be given an extension of one week to finalize any changes.

Reveal: Happens around two to three weeks after the third check-in.

Pinch-hitter deadlines:

For those who are interested in signing up as a pinch-hitter, participants will be given an extension of 3-4 weeks after the reveal’s due date to produce another work. Contributors will still follow the guidelines of what the piece (written or artwork) will be as long as it still includes the elements that are aligned with the giftee’s preferences.

Reveal:

A Twitter and Tumblr account is made available to boost the works of artists who will partake in the exchange event. Upon the reveal of each work, artists are highly encouraged to post their artworks on Twitter and Tumblr, meanwhile, writers will post their written works in AO3.

Writers may also post screenshots of snippets (e.g. synopsis of your work) of their works accompanied by the link of the written work.

Reposting any of the posted works is strictly prohibited. Boosting them is only allowed. (e.g. retweeting, reblogging, etc.)

Proper use of hashtags and tags is a must to filter through each work with ease.

Tumblr & Tumblr: Use the hashtag #WinterSTSG2021 and tag the Tumblr account of the event.

AO3: Upload to the collection SatoSugu Winter Exchange 2021 (SatoSuguWinterExchange2021).

The submission of the reveals will prolong for three days until a week during the month of February. The specific dates will be given upon further update.

#WinterSTSG2021 #SatoSugu #Getou Suguru #Gojo Satoru #mod speaks #SuguSato

[stupididiotlifts]

sadliftslol’s masterpost :)

Update 7/24/19: This got more notes than I though it would get. Thanks to me being a dumb hoe I didn’t realize that you can’t just edit a tumblr post (?) The newer and updated version will always be reblogged onto my blog. This edit was inspired by @smalltownlift, since hers was ACTUALLY good. lmfao. Updated/more links and better layout :) Please let me know if links are broken.

METHODS

Concealing on Floor (Video)

Tied Sweater Method (One sweater)

Tied Sweater Method (Two Sweaters)

Hood Method

Hood Method with a Twist

Double Lined Purse Method

Lifting Facemasks

Lifting Shoes

Lifting Alcohol  2

Lifting a Bag/Purse

TIPS 

3 Things to Remember

Boosting 101

Boosting Tip 1  2

How to Boost VS Panties

Tips for Beginners (HeavenlyLifter’s Guide)

Tips from an OG (Liftblurred - I think her last post before she deactivated :( rip)

Stuff I wish I knew before lifting (brokelmao)

Online Scamming Warning

Self Checkout Method Warning

The Art of Lifting 

How to Get Past Counting

A Thing on Security Cameras

Getting Out

Caught Tips

Normal CS vs Sus CS

Outfit Tips

Legit Reasons for Beeping

Knowing your style

Hiding Hauls From Parents Tips  2  3

Guide to Luxury Lifting

Info Straight from LP  2

Random Lil Tip 1  2

STORES

Starbucks

Brandy Melville

Lululemon

Sephora  2

Lush  2

MAC

VS/Pink  2  

Michaels

Bath and Body Works  

Kohls 

CUTE POSTS

Things to Lift for Christmas

Things to lift for Fall

Things to Stock Up On

Moving Out Lift List

Getting the Most out of Food Hauls

Lifting Purse Essentials 

TAGS

Hiding Tags

Taking the Tags With You

RFID

When you get a magnet - love mom

PSA for Soft Tags

HAULS

1   1.2   1.4   1.6   1.8   2   2.2   2.4   2.6   2.8   3  3.1   3.2  

MASTERPOSTS

Smalltownlifts Masterpost

Getting Caught Masterpost (not too sure if this is older)

Some Tips and Random Stores Masterpost

Stores Masterpost 

#:)

[holidayblindspot]

V-Day

This is a fic by rAnsomedrOgue on FanFiction.net, who doesn’t have a Tumblr but wanted to participate. I’ll be linking her to this post, though, so if you liked the fic, please leave her a comment here! :)

***

A/N: This is all totally implausible but then again so is the entire show… Tried to write something fluffy, this is what happened.

<3 <3 <3

It was supposed to be the perfect day. He’d been thinking about it for ages. Valentine’s on a weekend, a day just for them. Time to reconnect with his wife after everything they’d been through.

Weller had filtered past a million ideas before coming up with two couple’s activities that he thought Jane would really appreciate. Things that said Jane to him, that made him push outside his own comfort zone. He didn’t want to just take her on a regular date, something boring and predictable. He loved his wife and had hurt their relationship badly. He needed to make a good showing of it.

What had boosted his confidence was the fact that she’d unexpectedly come to him the previous week, told him that she had something planned for Valentine’s Day. He’s usually the one that dealt with holidays, due to her having no memories and being raised by a terrorist.

They had ended up deciding to split the day; he got to plan the morning and afternoon, she got the evening and night.

But that all goes to shit when Weller wakes with a cloudy mind, tied to a chair.

<3 <3 <3

It had taken her forever to come up with anything good. All the traditions of holidays were baffling to her, especially blatantly commercial ones like Valentine’s Day. But she wanted to do something for Kurt, to show him how much she still loves him. They had both lied but that was behind them now. Now she just has to make sure he knows it, that he understands how much he means to her.

So Jane had google searched like mad, hadn’t even consulted with Patterson. It had to be all her effort, finding some appropriate romantic event just for Kurt.

A wormhole of key terms eventually led her to two viable options and she decided they needed to do both. When she told him that she had a date planned for Valentine’s Day he’d been completely surprised but clearly pleased. In the end it had worked out perfectly with Kurt planning daytime activities to complete the schedule. He had even looked adorably apprehensive about whatever he’d arranged, which had brought a grin to her face despite not knowing what it was.

Whatever Kurt had planned though, Jane is sure it isn’t this. Because she wakes with drug residue still in her head, their hands tied together.

<3 <3 <3

He knows it’s her by her scent, the texture of her breath. He senses the moment she stirs and rubs the side of her thumb, tells her it’s him.

They’re tied together but not gagged, which seems odd until a disembodied voice comes booming into the room.

“Welcome, Agents Weller and Doe,” the familiar snivelly voice says. “Today you face a test. The same test my own wife faced exactly seven years ago.”

Kurt groans, the source of the voice suddenly becoming clear. Edwin Scheer, a career criminal whose wife had died covering for his getaway. Weller had been the lead agent on the case, had tracked Scheer through his wife, then seen her sacrifice herself for him on Valentine’s day.

“It’s really quite simple. Whoever volunteers first will get the opportunity to die for the other. If no one volunteers, you both die by the end of the day.”

“What’s the point, you’ll just kill us both anyways,” Jane says defiantly from behind him.

“The point is, living on while suffering the guilt of bearing the sacrifice. A fate much worse than death, I’ll let you know. So no, I would certainly prefer one of you to live with the curse of eternal guilt.”

Weller knows a lot about eternal guilt, thinks how Scheer really nailed this scenario. He would definitely rather die than let Jane give her life for him. He couldn’t bear the weight of losing her, having to carry on.

She’s a runner, he knows that all too well. Also prone to being self-sacrificial, always willing to take it for the team. He can’t let her do it for him, even if it means Scheer wins.

Overprotectiveness is stamped in his DNA. He needs to save her, despite the cost. Before she takes the plunge herself.

Weller is about to open his mouth, let out panicked impulsive words when Jane grabs his hand, squeezes hard.

<3 <3 <3

He’s about to do it, fall straight into the Kurt Weller trap.

Jane reaches for him, clamps down on his fingers fiercely.

No, her hands say. You are not making this decision alone. We are in this together.

At the same time she bites back her own voice, the one that wants to yell ‘me, pick me, kill me, save him.’ Of course she would die to save Kurt, that’s the whole point.

Whoever this guy is, he’s been watching, obviously knows both their weaknesses. But right now, in a completely pitch black room, he’s probably only listening. They need a plan that doesn’t require either of them sacrificing themselves. And some method of communicating it without being heard.

She makes a pattern in his palm, uses her touch to tell him to calm down, think. When his breathing evens out she starts to fiddle with the knots on their hands, feels him use his fingers to expand the ropes, create more slack.

“This isn’t going to work,” Jane says, trying to distract their captor. “We’re not going to give in to your mind games.”

“Oh that’s what you think. There’s hours to go yet, plenty of time to think about the pointlessness of you both dying. Then there’s the part where you both get suspicious that the other is going to betray the pact, I almost can’t wait. Will there be arguing? Silence right up until one of you can’t hold back anymore? This is when you find out what someone is really made of. I know I’ll never be worthy of my wife. Now what will you find out about each other today?”

That we are stronger than this bullshit, Jane thinks to herself.

“We’ve got this, Kurt. We’re in this together,” she says. “I trust you with your life.”

<3 <3 <3

He snaps out of it just in time, the words about to slip off his tongue. Her fingers remind him that she’s there, that they’re not making decisions alone anymore. Then it’s her confident tone that slices through his fear, tells him she’s not going to run this time.

“I trust you too,” he replies. “No more secrets.”

Scheer laughs, snorts in response.

“It’s only been ten minutes,” he says. “Let’s see how long that lasts.”

Weller has to admit the psychopath is right, that the relative calm he currently feels will decrease steadily as time passes. But it helps that Jane has nearly freed their hands, just needs him to stretch out the ropes a bit more to get through the knots.

When their hands are untied they both quietly undo their leg restraints, then reach for each other once completely free of the ropes. The next step would be to stand and search the room that they’re in but first they need to cover the noises they’re going to make.

He’s trying to come up with some sort of conversation that doesn’t feed into the current problem when Jane starts talking, a bit louder than necessary and throwing her voice off the wall.

“So, what am I missing out on, Kurt?” she asks, while standing up slowly.

“What do you mean?” he replies, genuinely confused about her question but understanding her intent. He stands up as well, makes sure to hide any noise with his words.

“Your part of our Valentine’s date,” she says. “What were we going to do?”

Kurt groans internally, not entirely confident on the choices he had made. He had wanted to do something different, uniquely Jane. But of course then it had to be somewhat risky, because she certainly wasn’t a ‘normal’ girl.

He definitely did not want to talk about this in front of anyone other than Jane, but it was a relevant conversation to have while they silently stepped around the room, looking for an escape route. So he reaches for her hand, pulls her to him and blindly plants a kiss on her knuckles.

“Well, to start, there was this couple’s bikram yoga session,” he says, using his free hand to guide her by the hip as they slip across the floor.

“You? Yoga?” she asks, clearly surprised.

“I stretch,” he grumbles, feeling for the wall.

“But you don’t like it,” Jane replies.

“Yeah well, you do,” he says. “And it sounded kind of hot.”

She tugs hard at his hand in response, slips closer.

“It would have been very hot,” she whispers, just for him. “You’re full of surprises.”

“I would have liked that,” she says louder, as they continue around the room. “But I know that’s not all you had planned.”

Weller feels the walls, finds one locked door with what sounds like a guard behind it and nothing else of significance. He sighs to himself as he realizes they’ve almost completed a whole lap with no results.

“There was an art show too,” he admits. “A contemporary exhibit called Falling Love. At a pop up gallery that features different mediums.”

He says the words like he’s reading them off a pamphlet, has little sense of what most of them really mean. But he’d memorized it to tell her, just feels incredibly awkward doing so.

Jane relieves all of his worry with a laugh, wraps her arms around him from behind as they finish checking the walls.

“It sounds perfect,” she says, muffled into his back. “I love it.”

<3 <3 <3

Her husband is adorable. She sometimes forgets this in their danger filled day to day lives. But couple’s yoga and an art show? Those were not Kurt Weller activities. The fact that he was so willing to push his boundaries and explore her interests was beyond her expectations, made her feel flush with warmth.

She hugs him tight for as long as she dares, then puts her hands on his shoulders, trying to tell him what they should do next. Kurt picks up on her idea right away and squats down so she can climb on. Then, once she’s securely sitting on his shoulders, they start around the room again, searching for any vents or windows they could use to escape.

“So, what were we going to do after the art show?” Kurt asks, with real curiosity in his tone.

Jane grins to herself, hopes he appreciates her plans as much as she loved his.

“Well, first there was a true crime whisky tasting tour,” she says as she feels along the walls and the ceiling. “It’s prohibition themed and on an old trolley through Brooklyn. With specialty whisky flights and underground tours.”

“Whiskey and gangsters?” Kurt says with a grin she can hear. “Sounds perfectly sinful.”

He wraps his arms around her legs even tighter and she reaches down to run her fingers through his hair for a moment.

“Not as sinful as a chocolate buffet,” she replies.

“What?” he exclaims, all gleefully surprised. “You’re not serious.”

Jane laughs, leans down to kiss him on top of his head.

“Yes, there’s an entire buffet of chocolate at the Ritz and we had reservations. Plus, a room for the night, to recover from the whisky and sugar hangover.”

“Nooooooo,” Kurt moans. “How have I never heard of this chocolate buffet before?”

Jane shakes her head in amusement just before it almost smacks straight into a vent. Luckily she manages to see it in time and taps on Kurt to stop walking.

“What do they have at this buffet?” he asks as she takes out her hairpin and starts to unscrew the cover of the vent.

“Everything you can imagine,” she replies. “Pastries, cakes, fondue, crepes. Samples from all the best chocolatiers. Oh, fudge and ice cream too, of course.”

She’s got the grate off, passes it down to Kurt. Is about to crawl into the vent but he clutches onto her legs, refuses to let her go.

<3 <3 <3

Jane’s about to go into the vent they found when he realizes the problem. If they stop talking, they’re going to get figured out quickly.

Weller grabs onto her legs so she can’t get off his shoulders, knows he has to think fast or else she’s going to get impatient and just go anyways.

“That sounds too good to be true,” he says. “I can’t believe we’re stuck here because of me when we should be on the perfect date instead.”

“It’s not your fault, Kurt,” Jane replies, after a barely noticeable pause. “We’ll get through this together.”

“No, Jane. It is all my fault, you weren’t even around when this Scheer case happened,” he states. “You got dragged into this because of me. I can’t let you die here.”

“What, we just talked about this, Kurt!” she fires back. “You don’t get to make that decision.”

“I didn’t say I’d made a decision,” he argues. “Don’t put words in my mouth, I just said I can’t let you die here.”

“Which is the same thing as saying you’re going to give up on us, give up on what we decided together. So what’s the point of me even saying anything if you’re not going to respect my opinion?”

Her voice is steaming but she’s kissing the top of his head, holding him tightly from above.

“So what, you’re going to give me the silent treatment until we die here? What the hell is that going to solve?”

He squeezes her leg a specific number of times. Then does it again to confirm.

“It’ll stop me from yelling at you instead.”

She responds by reaching for his hand, gives him the same message back. Twice, like he had done.

“Fine, if that’s how you feel about this then don’t talk to me.”

He brings her thumb to his lips, plants a lingering kiss.

“Done.”

He pushes her into the vent with the last of their words and offers a silent prayer to keep her safe. Because their argument may have been fake but Weller wasn’t lying when he said he couldn’t let her die there, no matter the cost.

<3 <3 <3

Jane climbs the vent straight up for a few floors before finding an exit into an unoccupied storage room. The building appears to be an abandoned warehouse and she sees no one around as she sneaks back down towards the basement.

She wonders where Scheer is, whether he’s in the warehouse, wants to do his own dirty work. It seems unlikely though, based on the state of the place. There’s nothing in it except dust and a few stray auto parts.

Jane slinks through the structure, finds a piece of broken rebar to use as a weapon. Eventually she finds a set of stairs that runs straight down towards the basement where Kurt is. For a moment she stands listening for any movement and lets herself think about the day that should have been, how fitting it was that this was what they got instead. All she can do is sigh at the circumstances, return her head to the task at hand. Kurt was still waiting for her to get him out, she needs to come through for him.

As she nears the bottom of the stairs Jane starts to move in stealthy ninja steps, peaks around the corner to see the door to their prison, the guard sitting directly in front of it. Of course the approach down the stairs is long and comes right at him, impossible to make without dying long before she gets to the door.

So Jane forces herself to be patient and wait for Kurt’s move. She had made it there in time; trusts him to play his part in their silent plan.

<3 <3 <3

When the time comes, Weller makes a racket; yells that he’s done with the game. Hollers at an imaginary Jane that he’s giving up so she can have a better life without him, because it’s obviously what she wants.

It hurts even just to say it but he has to make it realistic. Then he waits behind the door for whatever is going to happen.

Almost immediately he hears the sound of the lock turning, the door scraping ajar. So there had been a guard right there, ready to come in and kill the on command, Kurt thinks.

Weller readies himself for action, waits for the guard to recognize the situation. But then the light flicks on suddenly before the door is thrown open, momentarily blinding him. He’s a sitting duck, trying to decide whether to just launch himself at his opponent without being able to see anything when he hears Jane tackle the guy just in time.

By the time Kurt’s pupils have adjusted to the light, she’s already got the guy pinned, is giving him one more punch to the head for good measure. Then they tie the guard up with the ropes they’d escaped from before taking his gun and using his fingerprint to start his cell phone.

It’s easy to identify the number the guard’s been contacting Scheer on and Weller gets Patterson on tracing it immediately. Within seconds she’s got an address and less than half an hour later she reports back that Scheer’s been killed in a shootout.

Weller double checks the perp is tied up securely and grabs his wife, leads her out into the light.

<3 <3 <3

Kurt wraps his arms around her, pushes her through the door and up the stairs. He feels so real and comforting behind her, her scruffy human security blanket.

Of course they made it out, she thinks. It couldn’t be any other way.

Not long ago she thought it was gone. The trust between them.

He had lied, she had lied. Big ones too, hurtful ones.

But in a dark room with only each other she had trusted him with all of her heart. The one still beating in her chest, that belongs only to him.

They had believed in each other, communicated perfectly.

It wasn’t the ideal date, the possible death part a bit too much. But it had been pretty hot, she thinks. Stealthily wrapped around Kurt, talking by touch.

Outside they wait for backup, forensics. Kurt still surrounds her, swallowing her up in his warmth.

“I’m sorry we missed our day,” he grumbles in her ear.

“It would have been perfect,” she agrees, smiling at the mental images of yoga with Weller. “You picked the most thoughtful things.”

Kurt squeezes tight, spins her around so she’s facing him. He’s wearing his familiar crooked smile, adoring and self-satisfied all at once.

“I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you,” he says, so sincerely it hurts.

“Oh Kurt, I know,” she replies, reaching up to kiss him.

He pulls her in fiercely, hungrily. Relinquishes her lips only when sirens surround them, pull up close.

Still she’s encased in his arms, he refuses to release her even as agents start to hover close by.

“You’re going to have to let me go,” she says, her tone tinted in bemusement.

“Never,” he replies seriously. “You’re my valentine, Jane.”

She beams at him, a million lumens bright.

“But if we give our statements right away we can still make the chocolate buffet,” she says.

The boyish gleam in his eyes makes her giggle, snatch another kiss.

“I love the way your mind works,” he mumbles into her throat. “I love everything about you, Jane.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day Kurt. I love that we did this, together,” she mutters in return. “It wasn’t what we planned. But I think it turned out perfect.”

Kurt grins, squeezes her so tight she forgets to breathe for a second. Then she sneaks in one more kiss as they stand there entwined, ready to take on the world together.

#blindspot #blindspot fanfic #blindspot valentine #jeller

[manecandyland-blog]

TaeKai - A scientific Research paper

(this is literally the 20th time i’ve written this out my computer keeps crashing - also to any haters out there - this whole “science” thing started as a joke, but I feel now, presented with all the information, that writing this in the format originally posed does more justice to the situation than just dumping 20 youtube links on a post. Also after a while this becomes NO JAM for anyone who isn’t invested in Taekai as a friendship/couple so if you aint, don’t be about it)

My first note - I have been a Kpop fan since 2012, but only got back into the swing of things in 2016 - when i first got into Kpop, i was pretty much exclusively into YG groups, bar 2 (GG and F*x* (stars used in order to keep out of the tag b/c yesh). So my informed knowledge of this matter when I first posed a scientific inquiry was limited. However, thanks to the community, I have gained a lot of knowledge. However, I have also realised that this will very quickly become a topic which many will have issue with, so in order to protect my community, i’ll leave all my sources anonymous -if you want to tell everyone which reciepts you found, or would like to add to this knowledge inquest, please do so, and I encourage this greatly. However - please keep all contrinutions factual and neutral, and please also maintain scientific standard, by sourcing if the source is not apparent or common knowledge. We deal in truth here, this is not a shipping expedition, nor a fanfic-boosting activity. This is not for aesthetic or fangirl reasons - this is true inquiry. There are some sources i couldn’t find so sorry in advance if i couldn’t include yours.

So in order to present my findings accurately, I must get out of the way some potentially data-obfuscating information that could colour proceedings;

1. After much discussion with the Taekai and Kpop community at large, we have concluded that a large majority of the evidence in terms of physical closeness can be attributed to a culture of Skinship, and this culture being heightened within idol activities. The idol degree of kinship would/could not extend to closeness outside of idol activities, but the overarching culture of skinship would. Further to this point, it’s also evident that skinship shown by idols to one another is actually not as fully accepted as international fans tend to think it is, as I have been told that within the culture, there is a far more traditionalist mindset than foreigners assume. For the former point - this is not likely to affect any public evidence of closeness i’ve found before 2014-ish (this year is important), but is likely to colour any activities during and post-ace era, as they would now be publically *outed* as bros (wierd choice of words but know what i mean). For the latter, this should highlight, at least in regard to “candid” proofs, that the level of skinship presented may not be as “normal” as foreign fans are likely to believe. 2. A very diligent and long-term Kpop fan also notified me that it’s likely during and after the Ace era, that there was a move to “bro”-ify Taekai, whether genuine or in order to obfuscate rumours. Therefore, at this time, evidence is now coloured by a factor of how management/etc would like fans/others to see them, in regards to responding to any “misunderstandings”. However, after much discussion with my colleagues, it has become evident that even if this were a move to cover some form of truth (which is the point that i will argue in this paper), then this was a genius move, as any skinship would now fall under this banner, even if it was evidence of a relationship. This, however, makes analysis on our end very difficult.

I should also mention there are very few outcomes that could become of this study, and it’s likely to be a mixture, but none of them can be 100% proven, as, surprise! I’m neither Taemin, nor Kai, and I don’t know for sure.

-Either we find this is all an act and they aren’t friends (which would be our control outcome) -or we find they’re just super close friends -or they’re full on boyfriending it up

I’m trying to clear my mind of any bias before we start, but I have a good idea going in of where we’re gonna end up.

SO. Here we go.

The earliest receipt I have that’s reliable as a source, is from the 2013 MMA’s, where SHINee won the daesang. (Note: SHINee, Taemin’s group, won, and yet Kai, member of EXO, is the one crying)

I mean….i’ll let the footage speak for itself, but it is good to note that this was before any true push towards bro-ifying them as far as i’m aware, and they’re signature patting each other on the butt is also present here. In my scientific opinion, this can be construed two ways - Kai tends to cry, so he would cry on behalf of his *friend*, whereas Taemin tends not to cry, so easily fixed that one. With the utmost neutrality, this would be the mark of a very close friendship, where Kai is acknowledging the hard work his friend put in to doing well. The hug is pretty close by anyone’s standards, but this can still be attributed to a very close brotherly friendship. (The butt pats tho? I need to get used to that)

Early 2014 bought us this Gem - it’s interesting to know the story, but also more important to note when public perception of them was beginning to be written. (still, taemin’s being a little shit, calling him out and everything I love it);

This next reciept is interesting. It’s Ace era, and very specifically the pretty boy-ification. But here’s the sitch - around 1:04 Taemin’s looking pretty self-conscious, being that he’s pretty much shirtless, but check out 1:19;

Cheesy, yes, but don’t pay attention to what Kai’s saying, but what he’s doing - he feels very comfortable touching Taemin while he feels self-conscious, and is rather exposed. One could read any kind of conclusion from that but i’m just saying - that’s a very close bond y’got there.

And lets address the elephant in the room everyone - the W Korea Shoot. Now, we all know what ended up happening *cough cough*, but that aside - just take a look at these pictures;

This photoshoot was obviously heavily instructed, but those who know about photoshoots know you can’t really control the subjects and how the interact with each other. a lot of the other pictures felt sterile, the ones with the third member of the shoot *cough cough* feeling the most sterile - but the super charged, highly ~aesthetic ~ ones seem to always include taekai, and specifically taekai in some way interacting.

Now - get ready, here’s where shit gets freaky, scientifically speaking;

Taemin just keeps fiddling with Kai’s top, in the end leaving it more open than it was before…..bros? also, 1:42 - WHO. DOES. THIS. - he’s not even awkward, he’s not even sorry, he just teases the hell out of the EXO-L’s because he can. and who’s Bro lets them rub their chest and just smiles? Also peep the hand holding/stroking, i’ll get to that in a second. 

.....and finally……

it’s very important to note that these photos came out around the time the bro-ification started, but no-one just strolls down next to han river, embracing, being total bros, all alone. right? of course one could reason they’re just “very good friends” but this is where that argument breaks down - firstly Han river is a known romantic spot, and it’s pretty public, so the idea that they could roam anywhere else also comes into play. Also, there was no reason for them to be so close to each other - they had no idea the cameras were there. I’d also like to direct my peers to this;

Taemin stumbles over saying that they’re best friends, and immediately gets awkward when explaining their relationship. However, he seems a bit peeved that people think they may be in a relationship, quick to say he should be more careful even though everyone is ok with it, and almost tired at the radio host saying he’s “too pretty”. It’s a quip i think he’s heard one too many times, and him and kai walking alone really isn’t helping that perception of him, so his reaction here is more in reaction to the perception of his masculinity than maybe their perhaps being in a relationship. Taemin’s description of their skinship though, puts to rest any questions of subjectivity or obfuscation when it comes to cultural barriers - even though the radio host makes it clear their relationship may be closer than comfort culturally, taekai don’t see it as anything out of the ordinary. That’s again, not confirmation of a relationship, but more a righting of a perception of them he’s probably tired of trying to explain. He knows it’s out of the ordinary, but when he explains it, it seems we get an idea of how Taemin percieves their relationship, which is helpful from an objective standpoint.

there are other reciepts I’ve received, but have not been able to verify, and many other videos im sure, that state the same points, but i wasn’t able to include as tumblr won’t let me? i mean that sounds fake but ok tumblr whatever.

My conclusion is slightly different from the one i thought i’d make - there are four options that seem evident after discussion; 1. They are dating, they’ve done been dating, they will continue to date (this seems less likely, as 8 years of a relationship, through all of the ups and downs, seems a stretch); 2. They were friends, they began dating, they got caught, they bro-ified, and now they can touch each other to their hearts content because everyone thinks they’re idol bros; 3. They’re EXTREMELY CLOSE bros, and maybe kind of more, but it’s noncommittal maybe? Or just informal; 4. They’re just very affectionate bros.

Everything up until the hand holding had me thinking it was either 4 or 1. But then, they hold hands in public, but they try and hide it? and then they fix each other’s clothes when they assume they’re hidden from view? they take strolls late at night through romantic locations?

The kicker is when Taemin rubbed Kai’s chest - that’s him knowing we know he can do that, and we can’t, and you’d only think like that if you knew you could actually physically touch your *friend’s* bare chest (which he was super self-conscious of by the way) and not have him react adversly, which is an incredibly close relationship even for skinship. That’s literal skin-ship.

In my personal professional opinion, I think it’s option 3 - after much talk, research, collaboration and decision making with the community, it only makes sense - Option 3 covers that they feel OK touching each other, even in public, but maybe don’t have a full on relationship. This would also explain the final video, where Taemin explains why they’re so close physically. I think also it explains why they get a bit secretive about the hand holding - if there’s more there, it’s because they know that even though much of their skinship can be explained away by bromance, that maybe they’ve developed a special brand of closeness that looks a bit too out there for the average viewer.

In all honesty, we won’t know, but i’m not ruling out that they’re kind of boyfriends, in the menial sense. Objectively, form what they’ve told us and done, they essentially fulfilled the “partner” role in each others lives, basically spending all their free time together doing stuff they both have an interest in.

My conclusion: Definitely Bestbros™ with a side of *maybe we get it on sometimes*

I am open to any and all discussion below on this topic. Thanks to all involved.

#taekai

[emedhelp]

4 Pro-Tips To Be The Best VCSO Mom You Can Be (You’re Welcome!)

If you have a teenage girl, you’ve probably heard it a thousand times, but you can’t figure out the sounds coming out of their mouths …

What. Are. They. Saying???

Then they say it again “… and I oop sksksksk.” Followed by giggling and something about being a … vis-co girl?? What the hell are they even talking about? So you ask. BIG MISTAKE.

You are now met with eye-rolling and sighing and then a loudly whispered “She doesn’t even know what that is?!” to her friend…and more giggling.

If you’re raising a teen or tween girl, welcome. You are completely uncool and unable to understand anything going on in the life of a teenager. Just like our parents never understood “Cool Beans” you will never understand “… and I oop sksksksk”

But I am here to try and help. First of all, it’s VSCO (pronounced vis-co) and refers to the VSCO Photo App that has become increasingly popular for creating a filtered aesthetic specific to each user. The user can create their own custom filter to apply to their photos, giving them their very own VSCO style. They can then share their VSCO link on their Instagram bio … and basically filter life. VSCO Girl refers to girls that embody this filtered, aesthetic VSCO vibe.

Aren’t you glad you asked?

According to the Urban Dictionary, a VSCO Girl is the Tumblr girl of today. A girl that wears oversized shirts, Nike shorts, Crocs, Birkenstocks and Vans, wears puka shell necklaces, messy buns, and always has an extra scrunchie on her wrist (hello, wasn’t that most of us in the ’90s?!). They have Fjallraven Kanken backpacks and LOOOOVVVEEE Jeeps. They quench their thirst with their Redbubble sticker-covered Hydroflasks, have their AirPods at the ready and love saving the sea turtles. Oh, they also shame us when we dare to use plastic straws.

If you’re nodding your head as you read this and experiencing a slight ‘90s flashback … you might have a VSCO Girl. 

In other words: they are basic teenage girls.

With all these “basic” girls being called VSCO Girls it stands to reason we would also have a bunch of “basic” moms out there as well, right? So let’s call them: VSCO Moms.

If you’re starting to feel a little nervous that you fit into this VSCO Mom thing and you have no idea how to live up to your role, this next part is for you!

Pro tips for being the best damn VSCO Mom you can be:

VSCO Mom Pro-Tip #1:

While a VSCO Girl envisions her first car being a Jeep and driving in the sunshine with the top off and the breeze blowing through her hair, a VSCO Mom doesn’t drive a Jeep. We have too many kids, kids’ friends, sports, and activities that revolve around driving our kids back and forth across town … over and over again. We are too damn concerned with gas mileage and having seats for all these kids to drive a Jeep.

So what do we drive?

A Minivan.

More specifically, the Honda Odyssey EX-L. This particular minivan and trim delivers leather, heated seats, sliding doors, and the piece de resistance: a moonroof. Oh yes, if we’re driving a minivan it had better be a kickass minivan with a moonroof—and a hella good sound system!

(Maybe you just breathed a sigh of relief; you don’t drive a minivan, whew! You drive a SUV… with a THIRD ROW! Amiright? Then yes, you are one of us. Trying to hide with your cool SUV… well, you can’t. I see you over there, because once you have that third-row, all coolness is gone. You’re basically driving a minivan, you just have less cargo room when that third row is up and lower MPGs. You are still in this my friend … so keep reading!)

Rest assured, we don’t see ourselves as minivan (or SUV with a third-row) moms. Deep down, we see ourselves as Jeep moms! We’re just stuck in a minivan shell. We are way too cool for a minivan, and yet…

If you’re driving a minivan (or an SUV with a third-row) but you don’t “look” like a minivan mom … you might be a VSCO Mom.

VSCO Mom Pro-Tip #2:

Let’s talk about the look of a VSCO Mom. Yes, there’s a look. We don’t want to be the mom that’s dumpy and frumpy, we want to look hip and cool! But not like we’re trying to be hip and cool. Sometimes we pull it off…and sometimes we don’t. But you can probably relate to what a VSCO mom looks like—or at least tries to look like.

Photo by Rosalind Chang on Unsplash

– Messy buns that take waaayyy too long and are anything but “effortless.”

– We may possibly—maybe sometimes—wear a scrunchie on our wrist… just maybe…you know, for emergencies.

– Dry shampoo is our best friend. ‘Nuff said.

– Our daughters are teaching us how to apply makeup, and we can’t figure out why a hunk of foam calling itself a beauty blender for $20 bucks does any better than our fingers. Doesn’t it just soak up the makeup instead?

– Ripped jeans—OK, ripped jeans are just cool, no matter your age.

– Fake Birks. Because our kids have the real ones and we can’t justify spending $120 on a pair of sandals for ourselves.

– Oversized t-shirts—to hide our imperfect parts, not because oversized shirts are cool.

– Necklaces with our kid’s initials or birthstones. We’ve moved up from the puka shell chokers of our youth, and birthstone “mom” rings are soooo 2000s!

– A Coach purse we bought five years ago from the outlet stores. We don’t get a new one because we have spent all our money on the Fjallraven Kanken backpacks for our kids… yeah, try pronouncing that correctly! Ha!

– Converse or Vans. Hell, they were the shoes we wore when we were kids … you know, back when they weren’t cool, they were just what we got. Now we’re spending $60 a pair for uncomfortable, unsupportive shoes. So, nostalgia for the win, because you’re not wearing them for comfort!

– You carry a Hydroflask of water with you everywhere you go, covered in stickers from coffee stands and breweries. Because, well, hydration is important, stickers are cool, and we drink coffee and appreciate a good craft brew!

If you can relate to two or more of the above items … you might be a VSCO Mom.

VSCO Mom Pro-Tip #3:

Essential oils. Yes, we have taken a tiny sliver of ancient Ayurvedic medicine and made it the go-to in the basic-mom arsenal of medicine to cure whatever ails you.

If you’ve got an ailment, there’s an oil for that!

Headache? Peppermint

Cold or Flu? OnGuard or Thieves® (depending on your EO Brand of choice, of course!)

Don’t like plain water? Lemon, Lime or Grapefruit

Cut or scrape? Tea Tree oil

Tummy Ache? Peppermint

Can’t Sleep? Lavender

Anxiety? Lavender

Stress? Lavender

Trouble Focusing? Lavender

See a pattern here? Yes, lavender cures everything!

We have diffusers in our living room, kitchen and each of our bedrooms to spread essential oil goodness into every corner of our loving and peaceful home.

We just want to spread peace, serenity, and harmony to our loved ones. And when cold and flu season strikes, we will be boosting immunities—one little drop at a time!

Does it work? I’m not sure, but if it makes you feel better to spread your love of basic-mom-hippie-oils throughout your happy home … you might be a VSCO Mom.

VSCO Mom Pro-Tip #4:

Ahhhh … suburban life at its finest. VSCO moms live in nice suburban neighborhoods. You know, the ones that half the town comes to for Halloween because all the houses decorate, and some even give out full-sized candy!

Photo by Wynand van Poortvliet on Unsplash

These are the neighborhoods that always have a plethora of kids out riding their bikes, people jogging or walking their dogs and a neighborhood Facebook page to post about the rude ass person that let their dog shit in someone’s front yard and didn’t pick it up…

Karen Jackson posted to >>> Summer Park Neighborhood Group:

“Who has cameras on the corner of Wildwood and Cascade Park Dr? If so, we need to see who didn’t pick up after their dog between 4:07-4:43 pm on Friday… grrrrr If you can post a link of the video in the comments so we all know who to publicly shame, that would be great! Thanks!”

Yes. We live in THAT type of neighborhood.

We also have kids that congregate on the corners waiting for the bus.

Dogs that bark incessantly when you walk past their house.

A trampoline in every yard (perfect for sleepovers!)

Nicely manicured lawns (except that one house—yeah, you know the one—unless you don’t, in which case it’s probably you … and then you’re definitely not a VSCO Mom!)

If this sounds like your neighborhood or you’ve ever posted on the neighborhood FB page about dog shit in your yard, you might be a VSCO Mom.

Is this your life? (You’re nodding, I know you’re nodding!) Maybe it is, or maybe you’re wondering who the hell these people are!

Either way, you now know if you’re a VSCO Mom … or if you’re not. And now that you know, please take your newfound title of VSCO Mom and use it to its full potential:

Proudly tell your VSCO Girl—and her friends—that you’re a VSCO Mom!

*Watch them cringe*

Be prepared for your daughter to say “Eww … mom. NEVER, EVER say that again. I will literally die if you say it again!”  To which I would reply, in my sweetest voice possible, “Yes honey, we’ll all die … someday.”

This will be followed by much eye-rolling and strange groaning sounds of embarrassment and another “Mommmmmm!”

And if you really want to live up to your VSCO Mom status and elicit the best reaction ever—just practice saying “…and I oop, sksksksk” a few times in front of your kids (bonus points if their friends are there too!) Your daughter, while dying of embarrassment, will tell you “Mom, you’re soooo cringy … that is literally the grossest thing you can say … and you can’t even say it right!” Again, followed by more eye-rolling.

You’ll swear you’re saying it right … but we all know the truth; you aren’t and you can’t.

Why? Because you’re not a VSCO Girl. You’re just a VSCO Mom.

So now is the time to own it, my friend. We’re all in this together!

… Oh hey, can I borrow that scrunchie?

P.S. No VSCO Girls were harmed in the writing of this article, however, one was “totally ready to die” and may never quite be the same.

The post 4 Pro-Tips To Be The Best VCSO Mom You Can Be (You’re Welcome!) appeared first on Scary Mommy.

[konstantinwrites]

Treasures from the Roof of the Insurmountable, Part 1

Small Worlds XI (Wassily Kandinsky)

Hi friends! So, I ranked all 42 songs of the 2017 Eurovision Song Contest. It was as simple as comparing each song to every other and missing every social event for a month. I didn’t give /10 scores and didn’t add a bunch of space between songs to signify gaps in quality, like a cool blog would. However, many generous friends of mine reviewed these songs as well. For an alternative, reasonable point of view, theirs is here.

I understand that asking to listen to 42 three-minute songs on the Internet should be reserved for astonishing lovers, but I hope that you’ll give them a play. The reviews are based primarily on the studio versions, linked in the title, but for fun I more strongly recommend the embedded live performances. This turned into an epic nine-parter only by luck -- Tumblr wisely halts this kind of obsessiveness by setting a limit of five embedded videos per post. 

Anyway, I think you’ll like at least some songs. Not this next one, but some.

42: Spirit of the Night by Valentina Monetta and Jimmie Wilson (San Marino) (Returnee, Eurovision 2012, 2013, 2014)

I will make a conscious effort not to embalm you in Eurovision completely, but I have to bend here since Valentina Monetta breaks all unwritten rules anyway. This was her fourth Eurovision appearance, all for the Most Serene Republic of San Marino, in six years. San Marino houses less people than you saw this weekend, sure, but there are probably a few other musicians in the country that would like a boost to their career.

Maybe some of them were on stage for 2012’s timely “The Social Network Song” (titled “The Facebook Song”, pre-zucc), with which Valentina began her pillage of this contest. (If you have patience for exactly one hyperlink...)

 The lyrics incandesce:

Are you ready for a little chat?/And a song about the Internet It's a story ‘bout a social door/You’ve never seen before;

And the “Social Network” music video, all morning bedsheets and Safari browsing and wild leers into camera, is like the aftertaste of a burp from the dude who ran ARK Music Factory. 

Throughout the last eon, the early to mid 2010′s, peace still ruled. It was underpinned by dark respect for the creature, and fear, but effective and true peace it was. In Year 3, Monetta qualified to the grand final. Appearing in that show was supposed to be the prologue to another Sammarinese age of serenity. Yes, she breathed too hard and accidentally set the Finnish commentators on fire, then threshed her wings and flew out through the arena roof. Human Eurovision performers have gimmicks, too. It was our Monetta, we prayed to her benevolence, and she made other countries and micronational principalities respect us as well.

But we grew tired of living in fear ourselves. If our Monetta was truly done with this world, we would be happy to raise a new generation in peace. Families waited to resettle back to their birth land, planning carefully. At dawn, sometimes, you noted the unsavory magicks in the distance, still discharging in the air. The tribe elders knew that kids were their most important constituency: every evening, a few fun rhymes with the kids that made each of the elders look silly; every forgathering, the children could run off after roll call. Irreverence and joy, with which the children played games on the hills, was as crucial as the considered warnings that the adults were made to hear.

Come spring, at the agora, Elder Dendroch took his deepest breath of the year, all wheeze, as he screwed in the VGA cable to the projector, casting the San Marino 2015 Eurovision artist announcement onto the smooth side of the hill. During the countdown, even All-Naked Christoph went silent. This was to determine his capacity to continue to gyrate himself around the fire each morning without being clawed by Monetta and thrown into the nearest cactus. Her swift retributions of All-Naked Christoph was one of the few Acts that the tribe was grateful for; however, now they yearned for calm and agency. They were ready to pay the price -- and cover their eyes at breakfast.

What a cheer, then. It was, indeed, someone else for 2015. The slothful bards were worth their silver on this day, spooling blunt limericks on the spot, tribesfolk teary with laughter. The eyes of all, awash with joy and soapy bubbles, feasted on daydreams about this new era. Resettling back to town, with everything as it has been (apart from the bread, now a furry green pet), we gleefully watched Anita Simoncini rap -- for we could scream, “No!”. The year after that, Serhat proselytized us, trying to make what sounded like, “I am a dick tit” happen. We loved telling him that it’s not going to happen, and besides, he was the neighboring queen’s chief accountant and she was not letting him out on any more trips like that. Our power was back.

But, well... You saw the rest. You saw 2017. Not even Mostly-Naked Christoph thought that eurodance would rise again. Not even the gloomiest of the kids ever had in mind that Monetta was always in control, and that there is nothing that we can ever do but point our projector at the stars.

“Spirit of the Night” is a dance anthem structured around a conversation between two horny and dim-witted patrons of a San Marino club. “Hey, are you the one I dream about?/Baby, I am.” After successfully capturing his target’s interest with this awful line, the man proceeds to use amateur pick-up artistry to delve into the murky depths of her insecurity. “Every time I see you smile/There is sadness in your eyes.” 

Luckily for him, his quarry eats this obvious nonsense up. After connecting through dance, he seals the deal by revealing that he’s a hurt, insecure man who is in need of a woman to protect him. “Hey, are you the one to take my pain?/Just take my hand/I’ve been so hurt before, it’s hard to trust again.” Nonstop key changes and a reference to obscure weather phenomena attempt to mask the utter vacuity of “Spirit of the Night,” but nobody is fooled. 1/10.

Richard Hansen

41: Keep The Faith by Tamara Gachechiladze (Georgia)

Ten seconds in, this has all the potential in our supercluster. It becomes “Keep The Faith”, but that moody horn-driven bar can lead into a Jay-Z track, a Antony and the Johnsons symphony, or the title screen of “Swordfish”. But it becomes “Keep The Faith”, and it’s a little awkward; I live and work in Georgia, and super enjoy this country. 

However, this song is derivative garbage, devoid of any sensory pleasure. It has many siblings, songs of this type, all grey, parts-per-million pollutant specks. It’s a pure ballad and a very specific type of ballad, none of which have ever been enjoyable: pie-eyed on piano, throaty-vocaled, vowel-elongating, forcefully important, crudely pitch-raising, artless fat zeppelins of songs, avoiding melodiousness by purpose and not even by chance. 

I like the few seconds in the bridge where Tamara and the backup singers go, “Oh - ohhh - oh! - ohhh!”, and I like the final string cadences, the last two notes in the song. I wish they’d signaled the end to something not so comprehensively dopey.

Please also let me just add here that I adore “Mzeo” by Mari Mamadashvili, the Georgian winner of Junior Eurovision 2016. 

I’ve cried listening to it. I’ve showed her performance to many people. Don’t revoke my residence permit. Look at how much good stuff Billy wrote.

Having heard a plethora of Georgian music over the past year, I really didn’t have my hopes up going into this one. But I have to hand it to Tamriko, she may have actually pulled it off. The song’s video isn’t much to talk about, and I found the opening lyrics about hiding behind a veil and then panning to a woman in a hijab to be slightly off color, but the tune and subsequent lyrics are actually pretty cool. One might say the video had my sentiments shaken, but not stirred. That’s right, I referenced James Bond (Jamesi Bondi) and how could I not? The ominous violin, three-key piano repetition and horns - the song practically screams, “put us in the next movie!” and I happen to agree.

If we got rid of the whole weird hip-but-frowning aspect and replaced it with an unmistakable gun-toting secret agent silhouette, complete with tastefully nude female figurines, Georgia might actually have a hit on their hands. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big believer in letting music speak for itself and in many ways this song does, but at the end of the day it’s also a pop song and that music video HAS to be tight. Get this out to Eon Productions, Georgia; I’ll be disappointed if Ed Sheeran gets to do another title sequence.

As far as vocals go, Tamro fits the role pretty nicely - she can really belt it and it adds to the overall grandness of the song. As a matter of fact, grand is probably the word I would use to describe this. It’s the kind of song that makes you clench your fists and pump your arms dramatically and ceremoniously. Tamo’s powerful vocals and lyrics are engaging and entertaining; my only real worry is that with such a Bond-sounding song, people might have a difficult time seeing it as its own thing. Not to mention, if people dislike James Bond, they’re probably just going to see this as some hack interpretation of an Adele hit. While some might view it as lacking in theme originality, I see it as a distinguished work operating in a certain genre (a difficult one at that). I don’t think the sky will be falling on this song any time soon! Qochagh, Sakartvelo! 8/10.

Billy Moran

40: Gravity by Hovig (Cyprus)

The lifetime of this adult contemporary rockvomit is: released to the suffering masses, all 4th grade boys for three days repeat-blast “Gravity” on the family speakers, then torrent Battlefield and yelp and chaotically shake their faces to its menu music and forget about “Gravity” forever. No other integration of this song into a human life can be permitted.

This wailing, free trial-distortion-effects, tragically detached one-dimensional nonsense would take aback a NHL video highlights editor, and they’re immune to this stuff. “Gravity” is for a montage of, like, a corrupted toothpaste factory, where the toothpaste is evil. There is something a little demonic with the toothpaste. It’s been breached. There are lich in the toothpaste, hiding themselves and their sorcery, and they now terrorize users of toothpaste all over the world. Only those who still use tooth powder have not yet turned. With this paragraph, I have now released more beauty into this world than the Cypriot entry. I’m not proud of putting lich and toothpaste together. I know I’ll answer for this one day. Sometimes you have to drive a point home.

This is a solidly made pop ballad with a catchy chorus that I could see getting good radio play for about two weeks before being promptly forgotten. While somewhat catchy on first listen, it quickly loses its appeal and you realize there is nothing more there than another over-produced pop song that makes oatmeal look plain and generic. This song is the definition of standard, meaningless pop. It's begging for some sort of edge to it, some sprinkles to go with its vanilla. As is, I'd much rather listen to “Hook” by Blues Travelers.

Ryan Haskell

39: Dying to Try by Brendan Murray (Ireland)

I like Brendan’s voice. For 54 seconds, he makes a serviceable dyingtotry. I like that the first line of this Segway-speed ballad gets close to saying, “Take a leak of faith with me”. I like his tuneful delivery through the lightly layered first minute, and you could stroll to this and take sips of still water and feel correct.

Then the songwriters take out their game hunting rifles, trundle us into the basement and serve us a soup of impotent key change, never-ending chorus and string accompaniment, all of which we would spoon out of the dish in a less savage situation. You eat — you have to — belch, relax a bit, and then notice Brendan at the table, his meal long finished, as he mouths to you, “trying to die”.

As an American who grew up American, with American parents and American grandparents, I myself am American. That said, I definitely identify with the Irish a bit - they’re my ancestral roots and I root for the guys for sure. But I have to say, Brendan Murray, bud, you let me down. The song can be summed up in one word: boring. The kid looks to be about 15 and, sure, he has some pipes (little Irish pun there), but I have to believe these impressively high notes he’s hitting have more to do with his lack of pubic advancement and less with actual talent.

The music video takes us on the journey of love’s rocky road, complete with a daughter of Elrond and a poodle man that would make Dr. Moreau jealous. Perhaps I would have paid more attention to the lyrics if the featured couple were less visually jarring. I mean, the woman was fine… But the poodle man! That hair! There’s a million elf-y looking guys in Ireland to complement the girl, and they choose that guy!

My biggest complaint comes at the peak of the song’s rising action. Brian is walking through the grassy knolls of Ireland, as one does, and the viewer is treated to a beautiful melancholy landscape that just screams of Ireland. But instead of giving the listener something to complement the breathtaking view, we get a gospel choir harmony as Brian dives into his chorus. It was the perfect moment to incorporate cultural music - so poorly utilized by Israel - and Ireland missed it! If a lovely flute had accompanied Brian as the camera raced across the Irish shoreline back to our visually perplexing couple, I think I would have poured a shot of Jameson on the spot and shed a tear for all the struggling lovers in the emerald isle. Instead, the song loses its identity and all my invested interest is gone with it.

Brian, the wise fifteen-year-old he is, ever wary of love’s slings and arrows, tells us, “No one can promise that love will ever learn how to fly”, but I can promise Brian that his song won’t be flying to the top of any billboard charts. Maybe something a little more fun next year, huh Ireland? Sláinte! 4/10.

Billy Moran

38: My Turn by Martina Bárta (Czech Republic)

The indifferently mute student can be the most frustrating. Staring at the arithmetic poster for two minutes at a time, boring with their pen more and more millimeters of their desk hole, finding the right moments to sip a hidden can of Fanta with the vigilance of a mosquito pursuing a meal from a human absentmindedly playing the Chrome dinosaur game -- apathetic students cause little obvious trouble in class. However, asked to contribute to any task, their monastic silence and translucency can drop a teacher’s command of the classroom to the floor. Other students, especially ones wavering between “kind of paying attention” and the Frowning Face With Open Mouth emoji, sense the student’s apathy, think that the lessons are, indeed, for nothing, and mentally teleport themselves out of there as well.

Which brings me to “My Turn”. It would be out of date during Pangaea, but out of date is very often fine. The prime disappointment is that it has a harmonious, sentimental melody to throw around, as most ballads do, but concretely refuses to get out of the hotel elevator, or the Saturday morning wine tasting. There are many piano works like these; it shouldn’t be an excuse to bunt and be another, especially because it’s got a pleasant tune. I’ve listened to “My Turn” at least 30 times and can recall the main progression with roughly the same clarity as remembering why Fletcher Christian mutinied and vamoosed to Pitcairn Island, the Wikipedia summary of which I probably read once, or maybe someone told me. Before going home, Teacher Eurovision will leave an inspirational message for Martina on her desk. “You can be different!” The next morning it’ll only be used with a shout of, “Kobe!” and be another clump a few feet from the trash basket.

Czech Republic’s Eurovision results, 2007 (debut) to 2017:  28th in a 28-song semifinal; 18th in a 19-song semifinal; 18th in a 18-song semifinal; Not participating for five years (understandably); 13th in a 17-song semifinal; 9th in a 18-song semifinal, 25th in a 26-song final; 13th in a 18-song semifinal.

Czech selection committee: just put a donk on it. You’ll like the results.

Not only did Ms. Martina choose to submit a song written in English to the Annual Eurovision Ritual, helping the beast of globalization devour her culture and language, but she also submitted a song with lyrics so boring that they flee from my mind immediately after I’ve heard them, as if Gilderoy Lockhart himself has just charmed them directly out of my cerebellum. Lyrics: 2/10.

Luckily, the music video itself is far more interesting than the song itself. I’m at least 80% sure this video depicts what people experience while rolling on Ecstasy. Nude bodies of various age and shape, writhing in ways that are at once harmonious and cacophonous. Here an old white man finds peace in a warm-towel embrace of a large black man. There a bald man hangs his head in his ultimate shame only to be comforted by an equally bald woman. At one point the bacchanalian dancers just all freeze and turn their heads sharply to one side, staring at the audience with eyes that contain something between abject misery and ultimate pleasure. Disturbing! Music video: 7/10. I found this video hilarious. Personal enjoyment: 9/10.

Cody Phillips

#eurovision #eurovision 2017