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drennalynspast · 4 years

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[ Online Relationships ]

Monday, Oct. 07, 2013

I’m going to recap several gaps in my life in which I haven’t focused a particular topic on. Online relationships have transformed me in a way in which I couldn’t have imagined. There are a lot of positive aspects as well as negative aspects to it. I used online relationships as a form of escapism from reality. It granted me immediate feedback, gratification and attention if I was lonely, stressed, and needed someone there. The art of communicating with written words is something that helped me express myself more in depth and allow myself to be more open to the other online people.

t’s has been noted that my online friendships with people have lasted for several weeks, some several months, and others that lasted a year. That feeling of greeting someone in the morning with an msn text and then closing an msn text before going to bed was a warm, cozy, reassuring feeling. When I feel more open to someone, I feel comfortable around them and have some sort of emotional connection with that person. A lot of my online friends were males. I could easily talk to them. I will admit, a lot of it had to do with some sort of personal validation and being flattered from the praise and attention I received.

Some of these friendships at first seemed like platonic friendships. Eventually it got to that point where I felt like I appreciated them more and wished to see them in person. I became jealous when I found out that they eventually got a girlfriend or wife. At some points, I became confused if they just saw me as a friend or something more than a friend.

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Thunder was my first online friend. We randomly became friends through a social networking site that my Indian friends introduced me to [the site]. He added me thinking I was 18+, but I lied about my age, and I was like 16-17 lolol. He does some sort of computer graphic design or drawing tutorial work. He was kinda disappointed I was young, but we were just friends. Eventually I got older and was shocked he eventually found a wife from his workplace. I had no idea he was seeing anyone. We met each other in person once before he and his wife left to move to California. He and his wife were pleasant to be around. It was a positive meeting experience. After he moved, we gradually communicated less and less. He divorced his wife. We remain FB friends.

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I met “J” through my sister. He was an admin on an anime forum. He basically helped give me emotional support through my struggles in freshman year in college while I battled loneliness and adjustment. He eventually found better employment somewhere and married a woman. Our communication dissipated quite a bit. Those phases of friendships come and go.

Being a part of that anime forum lead me to connect with a lot of other online people out there. Everyone was fairly around the same age, young and clueless about life with no obligations. I easily rose to awareness and attention by being sisters with a former moderator. I posted my picture, and a lot of the male users complimented me and wanted to get to know me more. One of those people stood out to me as far as being an amusing friend goes. And here I embarked on some sort of journey with Tom.

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He was rather notorious on the forums, a bigshot member who posted frequently and was able to instill humor and witty jokes here and there. I was impressed by his boldness and charisma. We started out as friends. He became jealous of me when I went through that FWB phase with Dave. Eventually it lead to me being more than friends after a while. I clung to Tom when the whole Dave friendship failed. I just wanted someone to care about me and be there for me emotionally. I wanted some substance. I wanted to have a boyfriend. I felt like I could be a “good girl” and hold off on sex. I didn't want to be a slutty girl who slept around with a lot of men, so I used this online relationship as some justification for me to force me to be more pure.

I’ll also note that I was a stupid, naive, dumb girl who fucking webcammed for this guy when I didn’t have a fucking clue what he looked like. I just wanted attention and the shit. I wanted someone to revere in my body and appearance.

It’s always exciting and interesting discovering and talking to new people. You become flattered at the person they seemingly are. You see how amazing and confident they are. As you get to know them more, you discover the darker side of the person. And that is what happened.

We would have minor arguments here and there that eventually did resolve. It was an emotional struggle, but sometimes the arguments made us feel closer after the resolution. He had several red flags that I should have paid attention to. He was controlling, he was socially withdrawn from other people, he had no close real friends who he maintained a consistent communication with, he was antisocial in the real world, he also would talk about physical workout regimens but he was always reluctant showing pictures or videos of him. But somehow despite all that shit, I was somehow convinced otherwise that he is a good and caring person that was genuinely caring about me. That’s what I wanted right, someone to care about me?

I had to go through a ton of bullshit with him. I was frustrated about how I was the only one who cammed, and I couldn’t even see or hear shit from his side. He made fucking excuses where he was unable to cam or talk on phone more often. Typing this entry is also making me feel angry and disgusted as shit.

It was like a 3 and a half year pseuedo relationship. We messaged each other online everyday, getting into a routine of “hi, how are you etc”. And then we complain about random stuff to each other. It got to a point where I was all, “hi, when are we going to meet?” I finally had an apartment, but he had issues with finances, no car, still living with parents. I felt awkward if I had to drive there to meet him first. I shouldn’t be the one to go there and fucking meet him first anyway. I already did my part by camming to him the first time. What a bastard.

Anyway, I felt like I was struggling. I told him that we shouldn’t label ourselves as BF/GF anymore. We are just friends. He took it with some difficulty, but agreed. Eventually we phased out the *kiss* in our closing statements at bedtime. Even as just friends, I felt all weird and smothered by him. It was an unfulfilling friendship that didn’t seem to be going anywhere. I was also talking to an online guy (MMO) dude that I probably wrote an entry in a couple months back. That MMO guy bailed out on me and didn’t seem interested in maintaining friendship with me. MMO guy lived in Oklahoma, and I wanted to meet him too.

Whenever I saw the new pics that Tom finally decided to show me, I was pissed and disappointed. I guess I was lying to myself thinking that he would somehow miraculously drastically change his appearance from the old 2006 photo that he showed me first. He was sort of slightly overweight and his facial expression was that of apathy, boredness, blankness, no smile. It was like the way he described himself in words was that of a lie compared to his actual appearance. I was lied to in a way, or deceived, or I just tried to ignore shit in the beginning and have some sort of blind hope it wasn’t true.

I tried to give him a chance, but I suppose the physical aspect became a point to where it was starting to be more of a turn off. I also just felt bored of him. There was nothing new in his life. He didn’t seem to have any goals or passion in his life for anything.

So yeah, throughout all this, I’m so fucking sexually frustrated and deprived a 3 year dry spell. I hate this idea of being faithful or devoted to someone who would never be there for me in person. There’s always that talk of someday we will meet, just wait, it will happen. 3 years of this talk and still nothing happened. I got that emotional support and attention, but I realized that I needed both- physical and emotional needs met. It was time to say, G’bye.

And that’s when I met Andy in January.Tom was pissed I met Andy and just.. had sex with him on the first date. It was unexpected and he felt like he was betrayed. But I told him, we aren’t even BF/GF anymore, no need to be worried. Somehow he felt like he had some sort of entitlement.

I probably could have. Should have? Given him some warning as far as “hey, I’m talking to this guy and am going to go on a date with him”. kind of thing. I probably treated him like shit. But there wasn’t any obligated rule for me to be devoted or faithful. I don’t want to be held back. I want to do what I want. In some way, I may have used Andy as far as trying to make a stepping stone to get away from Tom. I needed to cut the strings off and tie off any lose ends.

Tom and I discussed things further. He eventually understood what I was going through and agreed to give me space. He wanted to still see me. He wanted to still be my friend. I still felt constricted and smothered. I kept him on FB, but I wasn’t going to go on MSN anymore. He made several comments on my FB activity and feeds. I was beginning to get annoyed and pissed off at his slight actions that weren’t trying to be harmful or intimidate me. He still tried to cling to me sometimes sending a random mail once a couple of months or weeks of self reflection. Of course I would respond back in some manner. I told him I didn’t want to be angry all the time whenever he tried to post stuff to me. I told him that I was going to remove him from my friends list and block him. We still have each other’s email if he wishes to contact me randomly.

I wonder if this is all considered running away. But I feel better about myself. I feel like I can focus on myself in the real present world. I am more away from being glued to the internet. I appreciate Tom’s friendship and care about me. I did care about him more too at some point. I learned several things about myself throughout the whole process. One lesson I learned was to never do online relationships again or even online friendships for that matter too.

There is so much to do and experience in the real world: meet and hang out with local people, go to places and engage in fun activities, eat with people and share stories with people in real time. Seeing their smile, seeing their humorous antics in person, and also feeling their touch in person is something that words on a screen simply cannot replicate.

After having my first boyfriend/real relationship, I felt like those 3 years talking to Tom I was missing out on a lot of things. Even though I feel shitty about being sucked into that 3 year confusion and mess, it was still a valuable experience. I sometimes look back and imagine the pain and sadness I have inflicted on Tom. I gave him false hope and crushed his hope and anticipation. At the same time, I need to worry about and focus on myself more. Sometimes we all need a harsh reality check about life.

#online relationship #online dating #online romance #online friends #efriends #waste of time

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gracia-suficiente · 4 years

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it’s been a long time since I’ve done an update post so here’s a GIANT 2019 post.

I’m about to go back home for the holidays and I wanted to write out this post before I left. Here’s just a few highlights of the year that I want to remember:

January: I went to one of the art museums here in Austin for the first time. I also saw (my now favorite musical) Waitress for the first time. For the first couple of months of the year, I was talking to (for a lack of better words) this real sweet guy and whenever I think of January, I think of him.

February: My grandmother passed away at the end of this month and it will always be one of the worst days of my life. I went back home for the funeral. When I came back to work the following week, a few of my coworkers came together and bought me a plant and card and it was the sweetest thing ever.

March: Looking through posts and pictures, I don’t think anything major happened in March. I was probably anxious and sad because I can’t seem to remember anything from this month either.

April: I went to an Austin Symphony Orchestra concert for the first time. I traveled to Houston for work. It was great. I really liked this audit team and they were fun to travel with! I think it was in April that Luke (the January guy) and I stopped talking.

May: That same audit team and I traveled to Ft. Worth for work. I really enjoyed this second round of traveling even more. My sister graduated from college with her bachelor’s degree and it was nice to go back home for a short trip to see her graduate!

June: My family came to visit me in Austin because my brother had a state competition for orchestra. I’m so glad that I got to see him perform with his quartet (I really miss getting to see his performances now that I’ve moved away). My family spent a week with me and they even got to come to my company’s summer pic-nic (my mom won second place in the games we played lolol).

July: It was hot so I stayed indoors and didn’t do much. I really hate summer y’all. OH WAIT I just remembered that I had a brief encounter with this guy I met on Catholic Match (ugh I know so lame that I was even on that site lol). I thought he was super sweet and we had so much in common and one day he said he really liked me and wanted to get to know me and literally the next day, he sent me a text saying that he felt like God wasn’t calling him to a relationship right now. HE USED THE GOD CARD. Siri, play “I Forgot You Existed” by Taylor Swift.

August: I went back to Houston for work. It was just me and the project manager so I was a bit nervous but it went really well! I also volunteered at the animal shelter with my coworkers. Mid-August, I found out that I got promoted! That was super exciting and made me so so so happy! My cousin moved to this part of Texas for school this month and I got to hang out with her, my tias, and a family friend. But August 2019 will always be a dark month in my mind because of the El Paso shooter. That day was the second worst day of my life so far and I just remember feeling so furious and incredibly sad that whole weekend. I’m still heartbroken over it.

September: My favorite month of the year! It was my birthday month and I went to NYC to visit my sister! I also finally got to meet my tumblr friend (and favorite tumblr/internet person tbh) Daniel. I saw Vampire Weekend for the second time with my sister at Madison Square Garden! I also started my favorite audit and I was accepted to be a part of the Wellness Committee at work. My family also came to visit for a super quick trip because one of my dad’s cousins got married. Oh and one of my favorite coworker friends asked me to cat-sit for the first time. Wow September really was a dream month.

October: This month was also fun! I went back home for an impromptu trip because my brother won Homecoming King and I wanted to celebrate with him and my parents. It was a quick weekend trip but I’m so glad that I went! One of my other favorite coworkers invited me to this spooky Halloween event at the Austin Public Library and it was so much fun getting to hang out outside of work. We got to dress up for Halloween at work for the first time and I was an angel and I got so many compliments on my costume. And I met this cute guy (Tanner) on Hinge and we started dating.

November: Tanner ended up being not so cute so I broke up with him a couple weeks after our first date. I went to Houston to see Sara Bareilles for the first time ever! I went on a hike with some of my coworkers.I cat-sat again. Then I went back home for Thanksgiving!

December: I had been helping plan a couple of charity events at work for the holiday season and we donated quite a few toys and coats to children in the area! I also helped plan the Holiday Reception at work. We got to dress up in ugly sweaters for the first time and that was also super fun! I got to see my boys, the Jonas Brothers, for the first time in nearly a decade and I am young again. This coworker that I appreciate and look-up to nominated me to be the new Wellness Coordinator (president) since the last Coordinator stopped working at our office abruptly. It was so nice to have his support and nomination and I’m so excited to be in this small leadership position at work! I bought my own little Christmas tree for the first time and it’s a small boy but it’s precious and lights up the room.

I feel like most years I can say if they were good or bad but this year was such a wild mix of both that I can only describe it as bittersweet. The lows I had were some of the lowest places I’ve ever been and the highs were monumental for me. I’m not sure what will come in 2020 but I’m ready for a new year.

#personal #2019

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