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#quatermaster bert
ero-heart · 10 months
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Bert is my man I need him
Cw: mentions of weapons and guns
HEART SHOP
(Quartermaster Bert x Reader)
(Romantic)
He’d spend all his money to see your smile, he’d bet everything just to hold you. You made him humble, less selfish.
It’s been a while since Bert has noticed his feelings for you. Every time you came to buy or sell a weapon, his heart would beat a little faster. He thought it might go away at some time or another, but it didn’t, it only grew bigger.
He couldn’t overlook it anymore, he was in love and there was nothing he could do.
Other than try his shot of course.
Bert wasn’t exactly the slyest guy out there, fake it till you make it maybe? He decided to start off by dropping little hints when you came over to buy from him. You looked very roughed up today, dirty and disheveled. Must have been a failed mission. Yet he couldn’t hear his thoughts by how loud his heart was beating. He didn’t hid the worry in his voice.
“Ay sweet thing, what happened?”
You sighed and explained that you and your mission partner fucked up and now you have a broken weapon and are in bad terms with the boss. Bert hissed, doc was never someone he thought of messing with, he mostly endured any bullshit that he got because of the money.
“Things have been tough eh? Maybe a discount on a new one might help your mood a bit.”
You tried to refuse but he insisted, you picked a SS2, the same model as your last gun. As promised, Bert gave a 10% discount.
“Hope you get more lucky on the next mission.”
“Yeah haha.. thanks for letting me vent tho, have a nice one dude!”
As you left, he started feeling giddy, things seemed to go on smoothly. You haven’t addressed the petname though, but it was better for him to still test the waters, he wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable. What you did notice though was the discount that he gave you, that was incredibly out of character and you only did realized that after you were ready to finish the day. Maybe he was feeling nice? Actually when he feels nice he downs the prices to the original price over his overpriced versions like Black Friday. Maybe he took pity on you? It’s the only option.
On the next day you lost a bet and had to buy a bleeder knife for one of your friends. Bert was surprised by seeing you so soon but happy nonetheless! He couldn’t help but smile when you got close.
“So soon hon? You need another replacement?”
“Haha nah, I actually lost a bet now I have to get something for my friend.”
“Hm still with no luck? Bet I will give you another discount for this one.”
Your eyes widened, getting caught off guard. Bert smirked, you look so cute like that.
“Who.. who are you??” You asked jokingly.
Bert but his lip, he was about to give a risky response.
“What? Can’t I give my favorite customer some privilege on their hard days? Hm? You need it. 10%.”
You were speechless, wide eyed and speechless. One discount is weird coming from someone like Bert but two?? The way he- You gulped.
“You don’t have to!” You shook your hands all flustered. Something about his tone made you immediately shy.
“30%. What will it be hon?”
“A bleeder knife!”
Bert laughed at your jumpiness and brought the knife to the table.
“You are so sweet.”
His smile almost killed you. You couldn’t stop blushing when you payed him and said your goodbyes. He was being overly nice to you, you couldn’t understand why but you really appreciate it, you should make something to make up to him! That charming quartermaster deserved a gift.
Bert was intrigued by this new development and was definitely excited. The way you lit up by his proposal did not go unnoticed, it was different from last time. Was it his voice? He never tried smooth talking before, apparently it suits him. Your ever present dopey smile when you’ve gone away was a sign that he definitely should use it more.
It’s been some days since you visited Bert, it’s normally like that since you only talked to him when you needed to buy something. You two normally would greet each other when you meet outside your job, on the cafeteria, sometimes the dorms. He’s been going out of his way to initiate small talk tho. Asking you if you have been luckier, if the gun you’ve got is working well, if your wounds have been healing, etc. It made your heart warm up to know that he worries about you. Now you were keen on getting him a present, you had no idea what to get tho. Weaponry is out of question since he has access to so many. Hm maybe a lighter? You didn’t knew if he smoked his voice is so smooth tho it’s unlikely, but a cool lighter with a cool design is overall something nice to have! It’s decided, you would find a badass looking lighter for your badass looking quartermaster. And you just knew where.
The first thing you did next morning was to change, get your present and leave the dormitory to get to him. Nervous at what he would think of the gift. There was no sign of Bert when you arrived there, it must be too early. You waited for him tho, with nothing to do, fumbling with the paper wrapper in your hands. Soon, Bert opened the doors to get to his station, he stretches high before taking the keys off of his pocket, turning around, he was surprised to see you.
“Sweet thing, so early in the morning? Excited to see me?”
He passes you with a smile as he opened his station, getting on the other side to attend you.
“Well, yea haha.. I’ve been meaning to give you this..”
You slide the little box towards him, this took Bert aback. He shakes his head and slides it back to you, resting his head on his hand.
“Sweetness, you don’t have to..”
You avert your gaze and can’t help but stutter.
“Please take it! I appreciate you- I appreciate what you ha- tsk- it’s a gift of gratitude, I- I wanted to thank you for being so nice to me..”
He chuckles, you were absolutely adorable and he couldn’t stop smiling like a fool.
“Sweet thing, the only thing I want from you..”
He stands up and reaches your hand, eyelids drooping as he looks at you with pure adoration.
“…is a date.”
Your face turns red, surprised by his request. The idea that the quartermaster was somehow in love with you never crossed your mind. It all made sense tho, all of these nice things he was doing for you was because he was swoon. You smiled and looked away again, all shy. You couldn’t imagine the absurdity of a mercenary like you acting so soft over your quartermaster.
“What do you say darling? Would you accept it?”
You looked back at him, biting your lip, there was no use in hiding your flushed face.
“I would..if you open my gift..”
He smirks, you gave Bert a little chuckle as he unwrapped the present. He gets genuinely taken upon the sight of a steel lighter, with a engraving of the ace of diamonds.
“Woah…it’s.. it’s amazing.. here did you find this?”
“Well hah.. I have my ways..”
You were not going to tell him you killed a man to get the lighter and broken a truce between your organization and the mafia by doing so.
“I’m.. I’m genuinely impressed this is so.. so cool”
He had no words, his smile only getting more wider and more dumber. You smile back at him, happy that he liked his gift.
“Tonight at six?”
He looks back at you and nods excitedly.
“Tonight at six.”
I will be a little busy with the current requests that I have! Hope you enjoyed this Bert fic! Stay safe 💞
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Note
Oh, speaking of those madcom x knocked up reader, I’ve been meaning to ask… Do you think you could do some with Chopper Dave, Q-Bert and Skinner? You don’t have to ofc just. Asking
Cant be any characters left surely @_@ xD
Dis gon be looooong, get a snack or two, and some water.
Knocked up [Chopper Dave, Q-Bert, Skinner]
CW: AFAB reader, gender neutral, pregnancy warning
Dave
You were lounging on Dave's bed, waiting for him to finish fetching his charge back, a strong grunt with powers unmatched by any. They were highly favoured by all in the building, and your boyfriend shared in that admiration.
Killing time by playing games on your tablet, awaiting your man to ambush him with the news. You'd missed a cycle, and decided to take a test, which sat in the bathroom bin wrapped in toiler paper, cross marked. Positive.
It's not like you'd been actively trying for a child, but you weren't being careful either, let nature take her course and that course was parenthood. The door slid open, and your lover stepped in, beaming when he saw you. "Ello love,"
He removed his hat, placing it on the coat rack before strolling over and giving you a sweet kiss. "hope you 'aven't been too bored waiting for me, pigeon." His love of the sky invaded everything in his life, even his pet names for you, always something to do with birds.
"Hi Davey." You greeted back, nuzzling into his palm. "No, I've been playing GruntCraft. Built some silly things in creative mode. You wanna see?" He took off his jacket, revealing his sweaty t shirt, when he was out of the sky, his jacket cooked him.
"Sure thing, hen." He sat next to you, his hand massaging your back instinctively, his love language being physical touch. His fingertips sent pleasant shivers up your spine.
You shifted your character around and showed off some of the builds, getting a laugh as you showed off your giant wool sheep, with actual sheep inside it's hollow body. "Davey, there's something important I need to tell you."
"Your sheep building skills are baaahhdass. I already know." Dave grinned at you, his suave British charm making your heart flutter. You rolled your eyes and kissed his cheek, he was a goofball and you loved that about him.
"Its important, Dave." He lifted his arm, and you cuddled close into him, his familiar scent calming you down, yet exciting you too. "We're gonna have a baby."
Confusion crossed his features. "You what bird?" His brows knitted together. "That's a daft joke."
"It's not a joke honey. You can check in the bathroom bin, there's a test in there. You and me, we're having a baby." Dave's eyes lit up and he covered your face in kisses, his stubble scratching up your chin.
"We're pregnant? Really? Oh pidge we're gonna have a little aviator! Ach, we can paint their room to look like the sky, hang little planes up, and and-"
"Easy tiger," You laughed, music to his ears. Just when he thought he couldn't possibly fall deeper in love with you, you were going to carry his child. "we've got months to prepare. Besides, what if he or she prefers boat?"
Dave let out a dramatic gasp. "Then they're no child of mine!" He snorted and chuckled, unable to keep his fake shock up for a mere moment.
News quickly spread about your immanent baby, Dave gushing to everyone about his wonderful partner and their soon to be physical form of love for each other.
Bossman seemed to zone out when he talked, nodding along with the occasional "Mmmhmm."
Q-Bert rolled his eyes anytime the subject was brought up. "Are ye actually gonna buy somethin' or are ye jus' gon' waste my time again?"
Skinner was amused, letting him talk freely as much as his heart desired. "It's very rare that babies are even conceived in all of Nevada, let alone one right in this base. I'm sure they'll be a wonderful boost to morale."
None of the chefs gave him the time of day, he wasn't there for guns, so they had no interest.
Doc seemed sceptical to begin with, but would sometimes offer his own advice, having had a hand in Deimos' birth, and raising the little ankle biter. "Best advice I can really offer? Sleep when the baby sleeps. Don't try and sleep regularly, you'll be on baby time until they settle."
The mysterious grunt who seemed to build up the SQ didn't speak to anyone most of the time, would silently listen to Dave going on about anything and everything. "Hey listen, if uh, y'see anything sweet out there, like candy or chocolate, would you mind bringing some back? Pregnancy cravings are a bitch when you don't got much to work with." And faithfully, they'd always end up with something you'd enjoy.
Evenings and nights were blissful for the most part, a snack in hand while Dave talked about his day, interesting things he saw while flying, or a brief rundown of whatever the leader was up to that day. He was always massaging your feet which ached thanks to the added weight, or your tummy so he could hopefully coax a kick out of his little one.
"Does it hurt? When they kick." He perked up one night, hand over your active baby's writhing.
"No, but it's weird. Nice, but weird. At least we know they're healthy." You smiled, and Dave rested his head on your stomach.
"Aye, want nothing more than to have a healthy mite."
"What about yours?"
"Ey?" You poked Dave's gut.
"Your baby, does it kick?"
His cheeks turned red. "Oi! Cheeky bird! Don't insult my love handles. I'll have you know I worked very hard to get this dad bod for you."
Sleeping together was nice, you'd sleep on your side, a pillow between your legs, since it was most comfortable, and Dave would have an arm around your belly, spooning you from behind, keeping you safe in his grasp.
He'd cut back slightly on his drinking, slowly but surely becoming less indulgent on intoxicants to have a good time, enjoying just living in the moment with you, working towards the future.
Decorating the new nursery was a lot of effort too, he'd always work up a sweat painting, decorating, building baby essentials, it helped slim down his figure a little, but he was still plenty squishable and lovable.
He still had a job to do, indebted to the silent boss of the building, always flying them back and forth even if he wanted to hang around the closer your expectant day came. Alas, he was out flying when the action kicked off.
Bossman luckily had been passing by when you called out for help, and he rushed off to get Skinner, who easily picked you up and carried you to his office with care. You cried out for Dave, but he was absent, and Bossman was constantly pacing, calling him over the radio constantly.
"Don't worry, even if Dave isn't here, you're in safe hands." Skinner reassured you, wiping your forehead with a damp cloth.
"Why did he have to go out today?" You sobbed, this was scary, you had to face this alone, and he promised he'd be here for you. But he wasn't. "I hate him!"
Skinner nodded to his nurse, who took over caring for you while be busied himself at your other end. "You don't hate him, you're just upset he's not here." The nurse was kind, he was doing his best to soothe you. "I'm sure he's on his way as soon as possible."
Hours later, the door slid open, and Dave came running in. "PIGEON!" He yelled, running to your side. "I'm so sorry, boss wanted a lift to the otherside of Nevada and I-I I'm sorry!" He was crying, clearly upset about not being here the whole time.
"You're here now at least." You took Dave's hand. "You're here for the worst of it." He didn't leave your side, even as you crushed his hand. Eventually, you successfully delivered a baby girl, which Dave had insisted on naming Ava.
Q-Bert
You and Q-Bert weren't dating, more of a situationship. Both had urges, and could help each other out, and that worked fine. Until it didn't.
He was at his usual post, chewing tobacco behind his shop, legs crossed and propped on his desk, arms folded behind his head. You stepped up to his space, and he lifted his head, shadows cast over his eyes.
"Alright lovely?" Bert greeted you with a grin, his brown stained teeth coated in fresh poison. His accent was intoxicating, everything about him was. From a foreign land, with a strange voice and weird customs, like .... Haggis.
"Hope you've brought your wallet, 'coz I ain't able to scratch yer itches right now, as nice as the break would be. Mmmhh, actually, scratch that. Maybe if yer wantin' somethin' quick."
"Not right now, Bert. There's uh, a slight issue with our... thing." You felt flustered, even when he was being a perverted bastard, it was still charming. Bert spat his chew into the bin to his left and sighed.
"Yer callin' it off? Guess I should'a seen it comin'." His lip stuck out, he'd have to find someone else to bunk with now, which was gonna suck. But of course a pretty thing like you would move on and find someone willing to commit with them. He knew he couldn't, and he'd told you that. Commitment issues, never one to settle down.
"No, hear me out Bert." Rip off the bandaid. "I'm pregnant, and you're the father." That made him freeze up.
"Ye... yer sure about that?" You nodded to him, throwing your positive test onto his desk. "...'Ow do I know it's my wee bairn?"
He was starting to get under your skin. "You think I've been getting cosy with the other guys? Really? You think that I'm like that?"
Q-Bert got to his feet, raising his hands. "Nay 'course not. I just.. Shit.. Look I've had a few flames who pulled a stunt like this, they were lying just tae get tae me money."
"I don't give a fuck about the money!" You snapped at him. "I thought you knew that." Turning you back to him, you heaved out a sigh. "Look, I can do this myself if you don't want a part in it. Bossman, Skinner and Doc will be more than happy to help." As you began to head back to your room, arms wrapped around your middle.
"Nae, don' go. I'm sorry. A've been fucked over a lot in life, orite? Gettin' close to people ain't really been ma thing. But you, fuck, a've let a few of me walls down fer you. I canne promise you commitment, that's a big ask and I canne agree, but I'll do everything I can to keep you an' our wee bairn in good hands."
As previously stated, Bert isn't a good support system, unless you directly tell him what you need. He doesn't take hints well, but you can tell he's trying his best. "Ye look like ye could use a drink."
"I can't drink while pregnant, remember?"
"Oh.. right yeh." Bert would visit your quarters more often, bringing snacks he'd gotten in exchange for a few favours. His profits were biting a little, but a few bullets in exchange for your favourite candy was a worthy sacrifice. "Look, I got some of yer favourite crisps."
You graciously accepted his offerings, feeling like a dragon atop a snack hoard while your knight added to your pile.
Even when he was behind the desk, he'd have time for you. You could have the comfiest chair in his little room, or if he was laying back and lounging, you could cuddle into him, he'd rub your aching back and hips. Even as you got heavier, he didn't complain too much, just adjusting himself slightly to deal with the baby weight.
Sometimes he'd invite you back to his room to sleep next to him, missing the company. Despite saying he'd probably find someone else to share his time with, he didn't.
Other times you'd fall asleep alone in your bed, and wake up to his arms around you, his face buried into your back, hair, or shoulder. The distance between you and him made his heart ache, as much as he hated to admit it. He'd grown too fond of you, and he felt insecure, worried that something would ruin this piece of happiness he'd come to enjoy.
But... the pain never came.
With you, god with you he felt secure. He felt safe. And for the first time, in a long, long time, he felt genuinely happy. Of course you were different, you were carrying his baby for christ-sake. You'd sheltered and protected him, loved him like no other, and he finally opened his eyes to the fact.
One night you were laying in bed, and he entered, expecting you to be asleep as usual as he settled next to you. "Och..." His hand grazed your arm, softly and sweetly. "I love you so much." His stubble scratched your cheek as he kissed it.
"I love you too Bert." You mumbled tiredly, and he froze.
"Yer... awake?" You let out a noise of confirmation, and his face turned beet red, but it was thankfully masked by the darkness. "I.. dunno what tae say."
"Nothing, I'm tired and want to sleep, we can talk about it tomorrow, okay?" You carefully rolled over, facing him, seeing his expression soften in the dim light of the room.
"Alright love," He leaned in, kissing you tenderly, a hint of minty mouthwash on his lips.
It was another day in his office, lounging on him while he stroked your hair, chewing his tobacco and humming away when something ran down your legs. "Did ye just piss on me?" Q-Bert looked mortified. "If ye needed tae go ye shoulda said!"
"No, that's... You need to go get Skinner." The walk around the base would've been too much for your tired legs, so it was easier, and safer, to have the big doc carry you around.
Skinner suggested an epidural, which you decided to take. It hurt like hell to start with, but he swore it would make delivery easier for you. After hours and hours of body straining work, the G3 proudly announced. "It's a boy! And a chubby one too! Look at his fat little face!"
You looked at Bert, face sweaty and flush. "Magnum it is then." He'd asked you if you'd consider naming the child after a gun, which ... was weird but hey, why not.
Laying with a now settled newborn in your arms, Bert leaning over the bed to rub his cheek softly. "I'm gonna need tae get a beby holster."
Skinner
It started a few months ago, your favourite doctor snuggling you into the crook of his arm as you prepared to sleep, him absentmindedly scrolling down his social feed until something caught his interest.
"Hmm.. Seems an old friend of mine birthed a child recently." You were nearly in dreamland, his sudden voice waking you up slightly.
"Really? Interesting." You yawned, not out of disinterest, but pure exhaustion.
"What's even more intriguing is the fact she's a G3, like me. And her partner is just a normal grunt. It would seem my kind is capable of producing offspring after all. Curious." Sitting up slightly, you glanced at his screen, seeing a proud looking G3 with a baby in her arms, her partner equally as delighted with their little hybrid baby.
By all accounts, it was just like any other baby grunt, tiny enough in size, the only large feature from their mother they currently possessed were the thick, long eyelashes. "Drs. Eleanor Porter and Malicious Magnificent welcome their newest family member.. Proving once again life overcomes all in Eden.
Porter and I used to study together, both preferring to aid the hurt instead of shed blood like our other G3s. I'm glad she's doing well." Skinner's eyes lingered on the child, the beaming smiles on the tiny family's faces.
"Do.. you want a baby?" He looked at you, his smile carved permanently into his features. To some, G3s were Frankenstein monsters, to others their defining features made them more beautiful.
His massive hand cupped your cheek, eyes softening. "With you? Of course. I could think of nothing greater than being the one who gets to create a life with you."
"C'mere beautiful," You held his face in your hands too, giving him a loving kiss on his teeth. "you're gonna be the best dad."
Skinner set his tablet down, getting comfortable next to you. "We're going to have to closely monitor your heat cycles, picking out the best time to....Procreate." He was incredibly embarrassed about it, being posh and prudish was by default built into G3s.
A few months of trying and you could now share the happy news. "Hey smiles," You wandered into medbay, seeing him rummaging around in his new supplies.
"Hello dear!" He set the box down, coming over to greet you with a hug and a kiss, his usual greeting to you. "I got some new bits from our friends, something you might like!" He took your hand and guided you over, pulling out prenatal vitamins. "It took a while to find these, but I managed to strike a deal with an Employer, and she helped me out."
"An Employer? Honey, are you sure you know what you're getting into? They're... Not the best people." You wondered what this had cost him.
"This one is! Dreamer is a compassionate one, I told her about our dreams and she offered to help."
You knew vaguely of the Dreamer, the sandman of Nevada, one who walks in dreams. "No strings attached?"
"None! She's very nice, if you make the effort to seek her out. But it is a lot of effort, let me tell you that."
You got on your tiptoes and kissed Skinner. "Okay, I trust you. I guess I should start taking these now, right?"
"Hmm? Oooh!" Skinner looked excited. "Are you-?"
"Yes!" He picked you up in his arms and spun you around, his face glowing with pride.
"We're having a baby!!" He stopped spinning and nuzzled his face into your neck. "Oh, boy, girl? Both? There's so much to cover! At least I get to do this with you, my other half, my better half. You're in good medical hands, only the very best for my sweet partner."
Being with him was a breeze, everyone loved the medic and his partner, and would lend a hand at any chance to either of you. Bossman agreed to paint the nursery, going with a yellow theme since it's a rare colour out in the world, and it's gender neutral. Plus he has a box of rubber ducks he can use for more decor
A few old crates from Q-Bert with a little TLC made a stable crib, stuffed with anything soft the team could find, from pillows, to blankets, to stuffed toys. This baby was going to have the whole base lending a hand to raise it, a sense of community and duty falling on everyone.
Skinner made sure to get you into his office routinely, checking up on both you and baby, quivering with excitement every time. "I think it's about time we can use the ultrasound machine to have a good look at our little one!" He was an excited puppy, eagerly patting the medical bed while pulling the machine over.
"This will be cold, fair warning." Your stomach chilled as he carefully applied the gel, and the two of you looked to the screen as he guided the device over your womb, catching sight of a little figure wriggling around inside.
"Oh my, so tiny." You smiled sweetly, seeing the budding life inside of you for the first time. "Half of you, half of me, all perfect." Skinner put the device down and kissed you tenderly.
"All the perfection comes from you, my dearest." You interlaced your fingers with his, his massive hands making yours look tiny by comparison.
"Nope, you're a perfect man, you were built to be perfect." You kissed him back, giggling slightly as his eyes widened before closing, he leaned into you and let out a content sigh.
"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Skinner's eyes were half lidded, he was maddeningly in love.
"A few times, here and there." You joked, this man told you daily of his affections, how you were absolutely everything to him.
Months flew by, your expected date drawing closer and closer, all while doted on your massive man. There was nothing in this world he wouldn't do, foot rubs, pregnancy cravings, massages, holding your hair as your body went through morning sickness. Sweet butterfly kisses on your belly, music to help stimulate your daughter, time spent cuddling up and talking to the little one... Who was getting rather big.
"I think she's growing a bit too much, don't you?" You looked mildly concerned at your latest ultrasound, and down to your stomach. "What if she's getting your genes? How am I gonna deliver a massive baby?"
"Well... I suppose. She is sizeable, I could induce you, she's a little early for sure, but we have the means to support her if she is." Skinner tapped his chin. "Entirely depends on what you think is best for you two.
I could also perform a C-section, which would negate the need for a natural delivery with such a huge baby. That would put you out of action for at least six weeks however. It's quite a burden on your body. But equally, I suppose the natural route could do that too."
"I think... Induction would be easiest. Do you think we could maybe.. do it sooner rather than later? Like... Today? I'm just worried if she gets any bigger, it's really going to do a lot of damage to my body."
"T-today? I'll have to call my nurse in, but yes, I could do, if that's what you want." Skinner kissed your cheek. "I promise you dear, I'm going to do everything to make this easy for you."
Skinner made sure you were well medicated though an epidural, he was careful and considerate, as he promised he would be. Delivery was slow, making you weak and exhausted, but eventually, your baby girl was welcomed to the world.
As expected, she was a large baby, tiny claws at the end of her fingers, a tuft of grey hair already forming on her head, she had a set of lungs on her, wailing out for the base to hear.
A darkness came from the corner, an Employer taking shape, had you not been so numb and sore, you'd have freaked out. Purple eyes full of stars formed, and a soothing voice rolled out. "You've done well, I'm proud of you." She was ethereal, almost made of smoke, body gliding over the tile floor.
Carefully Dreamer laid a hand over your forehead, and at once you felt relief and relaxed. "I figured it only right to visit my gift to you, life is truly precious, especially at such a tender time" She turned to Skinner. "Take care of them, I know it doesn't need saying to you, but, all the same." And she was gone.
In that time, your baby had stopped crying, still in her father's arms, swaddled safely in a purple star covered blanket, and he handed her to you. "She's happy, she's healthy, she's absolutely everything I'd hoped for. My darling, there's nothing else in this world I could ask for."
"How about... we call her Celestial?" You smiled with tired eyes and Skinner kissed you.
"Blessed by the dream-weaver, I see no other name befitting of such a wonderful infant, gifted by the stars above." And baby Celeste was truly a blessing.
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