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unproduciblesmackdown · 4 years

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here’s the matter of fact text post re: i guess i achieved the goal of an intermittent thing i’d do where i’d try to find anyone online talking about the ‘weird’ experience i have with masturbation which is, inherently, not exciting or anything but it’s like, even if i just Know of course it’s not just me, i want to like, hear someone else talk about anything similar ever, b/c so far it’s just a text post i saw once and can’t ever rediscover and someone talking about their experience that stems from an inapplicable physical trauma so....Yay, seeing as it’s been years i’ve been like “seriously though” lmao

i was like Lol @ myself b/c i was like “man after i try for like 30 sec to crank it it a) doesn’t go anywhere hardly and b) i lose interest Way fast and it’s like mildly annoying” and so i thought about that post that’s like [me after sex: well that was a waste of my goddamn time. anyway back to speedrunning] but that’s me after a halfhearted attempt to masturbate and not really getting anything out of it anyways lmaoo like. it’s okay or i wouldn’t even bother fairly regularly but also it tends to end with like, me going off on a distracted tangent for even a moment and it can just hit an absolute brick wall like okay i don’t even have the Interest in continuing with this anymore like i might’ve had before starting like Well That Was A Waste Of My Goddamn Time Anyway Back To [whatever it is that i do]

and then like either that same night or the next my dreams had the audacity to get deeply uncomfortable for no reason like. all i do is have Anxiety Dream Themes thrown together where like. for example as i write this, two nights ago i had a dream segment about “i’m on vacation at the beach” but it was all Anxiety b/c it’ll all be about how i can hardly visit said beach coz i keep getting sidetracked at the hotel or w/e while i’m Trying to visit it while i still can, and last night i had the same Theme but trying and failing to ride roller coasters (which i Enjoy irl) and like, the beach one in particular recurs not Too infrequently lmao where i’m surprised by the rarity of something like “you’re at the beach and it’s fun” lol.......i don’t have anything i’d call a nightmare too often but Anxiety / a somewhat threatening/worrisome situation is like, fairly constant lol, with some occasionally more neutral stuff and a really rare Fun Dream but anyways it was still Bizarre that my dreams pitched me “you’re Someone who i guess is dating this abstract Partner and the scenario is you feel obligated to have sex with them” and it was weird like, woke up the next day like “why did my brain drag me through this deeply unpleasant dream situation” like. not totally unheard of for my dreams to touch on a Scene ft. sex and/or physical intimacy and even on occasion it’ll be an “i’m (or whoever i am as a maybe semi-abstract First Person camera character lol maybe ft. some particular concept attached to the ‘role’) having some sexual encounter and it’s Fine or enjoyable” but it’s generally fleeting As Per Usual Dream Structure and it’s like why was this one that sucked like, particularly dragged out by those usual dream standard’s, come on

anyways so going “haha i’m living the Waste Of My Goddamn Time thing” and “well thank you to my own brain for a bizarre and unpleasant experience while i’m just trying to be passed tf out” i was like “let’s look up again why not only can i not seem to orgasm but also like even expecting a way lower level of stimulation still Disappoints sometime like why do i bother” and yeah after first going the “does anyone Never manage to Not slam into a brick wall / basically completely lose interest all at once or practically all at once even and it all goes back to zero even if you started at like maybe a 1 or 1.5 and sometimes it happens with going down a random mental track” route i interestingly got some cis guys going “yeah hate when that happens on occasion” but yeah by now i had of course given up on “can i come at this from an [experiencing sensory input and processing from an autistic angle] angle” like. idk still interested in that of course lmao but god is searching for it a bit exhausting. but yeah after i threw in an [-erectile] search modifier i got was like oh a result on a site about asexuality re: masturbation, why didn’t i think of That angle. idk but here we are

informative stuff but the comments section where people who wanted to read an [about: masturbation] on a site About asexuality were talking about their experiences was like. i had mentioned how it was Enlightening that one person said I Do Not Enjoy Orgasms lol like i have not really heard that angle vs “you might not enjoy sexual stimulation” and/or “you might not be able to orgasm” but not you Can orgasm but you Might Not Even Like It Really like. the person said yes they got the Peak Of Intense Pleasure out of the orgasm but not so much any kind of afterglow and felt like they get dropped back to where they were before even trying to masturbate (aka. square zero again lol) and just yeah outright mentioned Not Enjoying it and another person replied like Yep it’s like that for me too.........already i’m like man i don’t even approach anywhere near an orgasm Ever but man would not be surprised if, even if i theoretically was capable of the physical experience, it would be the same as this way lower level Waste Of My Goddamn Time deal lol.......it’s Hilarious too that like. say “being at all in the mood to try to spank it” is a Square/Level 1, i feel like yeah most of the time i’m only getting this shit going to a 1.5, maybe a 2 or 2.5 if we’re on fire......very very very rarely have i been like “hey that was like, a 3 or some shit, damn” and honestly it’s not like oh so that ruled and is motivation to continue b/c like. the Surprise of it throws me off and it’s not necessarily that Great a surprise, more just like, jeez, idk, it feels like A Bit Much that basically registers as Tension where i’m hardly encouraged to keep it up like, makes me wonder if that’s a Sensory Processing Thing aka how sometimes i try to get any more in depth info on the logistics of Experiencing Sexual Stimulation re: also being autistic and the variety of ways that can unfold (i do know that like. the Sensory thing apparently can sure be a factor in either direction, i.e. might cause some ppl to really not enjoy sexual stimulation Or to like, super enjoy it. allistic ppl who might realize “thinking sex is awesome” is “”normal,”” brilliant.....like u didnt also “realize” that stims like fidget cubes and weighted blankets can be enjoyed “”normally”” like. still having a diff experience here and shut it) and i remember one time i was like “c’est la vie i will purchase a vibrator (and i got a second, external one as some deal going on)” and it was just a No Go b/c. it didn’t feel “bad” in that it was not necessarily like, yep here’s some sexual stimulation, but it was like, overwhelming in a Not Good way, yet also not physically painful, and i realize vibrators are made w/ different intensities and i definitely got Mildest ones so it wasn’t that

anyways like yeah #tbt to a time i really gave it a go (vibrator-less) for truly just short of two solid hours......plenty of that was me at Square Zero and getting back to level 1 alone (aka like. feeling Any positive response at all lmao) was kind of an achievement and maybe there was some 1.5 or 2 in there but it wasn’t like i felt that motivated and Just Keeping At It was not necessarily helping so. that was a waste of my goddamn time

can’t really remember what i was doing differently the last time i kicked things up to maybe a solid 2-3 Zone for truly like One Moment lol.....think i was just getting a little more hands on (since usually a spike in intensity makes me go “[?? / !!] whoa :/” and i lose Any momentum and/or “progress”) and that spike in intensity made me go [?? / !!] Whoa :/ and it didn’t matter, just got back to zero as always, and it’s not like these “Achievements” are “Enlightening” where i’m then like wow everyone’s right, really Trying with this shit pays off like lol. i still make a cursory effort but really just to burn off that Level 1-ness if anything like. kinda like “yeah neat here we go” but like. probably literally a minute or two later it’s like well Anyways.......another fun detail is that it’s not Always like “oh i got off on some mental sidetrack and losing focus = losing like All of even this low level of arousal and im back at zero” like, i might be in the middle of things and Lose Interest even while i’m currently experiencing a nonzero level of “yep this is some sexual stimulation” lol but it’s just like smh Whatever @ it......like, on the one hand the Tension of the stimulation gets in its own way, but if i entirely lose that then it’s like well okay this isn’t gonna go anywhere, may as well stop

so anyhow here’s the Particular Comment where i was like “wow this is so similar to #me that i guess i’ve finally found Someone Talking About It* (*however it goes for me)”

i can’t say i’ve done the Holding My Breath thing on Purpose but now sometimes i do notice i do it (and have probably Been doing it) lol like oh there i went and Exhaled in a [was holding my breath] way lol coz like they say there with the Loss Of Any Tension and the Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing like yeah lmao. and very same with the Five Minutes Max thing b/c yeah it really can be even less than One Minute sometimes before it’s like yeah square zero or just i lose enough interest anyways, getting bored like they say, ugh like it’s a brief description obviously lmao but i’m like god well there it is i guess, the [i know it’s not Just Me experiencing this like this but i’d still fucking like to find anyone else actually talking about it] account For Once Finally, thanks for putting it out there, Disappointed and a lil bored

naturally there are also ppl in the comments talking about how masturbation is an enjoyable thing for them and particular tips there but like it is Hilarious to me how a) some people orgasm easily or like. orgasm if they put effort into masturbation lmaooo like fucking imagine. and b) idk it’s like well i’m sure i’ve made hundreds of attempts and not even any Near Misses, it is simply like, not happening and c) yet at the same time Like This Commenter it’s like “well is there just another way of doing it i somehow haven’t hit on” like naturally i have to wonder like well idk maybe it’d be diff with a sexual partner b/c yknow, the same stimulation from Someone Else vs Yourself, and yet d) ha ha of course i haven’t had sex which people Don’t think of as Not A Joke lmao i referred to this fact abt myself with some casual humor to someone and my temper flared up when that was later taken as a Cue for someone who is not me to jokingly reference it (by Temper Flaring i mean i got annoyed enough to go Do Not Do That e.g. the post that’s like “[asserts one boundary] i’m not a people pleaser anymore i’m actually a huge cunt now”) and i probably shouldn’t feel like i have to “justify” this as well somehow other people have probably tried to Make A Move re: me but i have not been into it like well, what if nobody had ever been Interested that i knew of, that would be fine too, but. i am aware that ppl think of this as a joke still lmao, and i have to say that. im already doing letters like a) b) c) aren’t i but whatever, starting over a) well i haven’t had All the opportunity in the world as i have at various points (but basically continuously) for various reasons been pretty isolated and b) idk i have not had all these signs that point to me wanting to have sex with people exactly lmao but it’s like, c) even if i go “well maybe there’s Exceptions out there or Situations That Will Be Conducively Different Than The Limited Range Of Ones I’ve Had So Far” it’s like, okay, i could still just continue to feel “nah :/” re: any “opportunity” that ever presents itself or whatever. it is all very abstract for me anyways, so it’s like, whatever. but i’m also not the most Glad to discuss it b/c idk a lot of this stuff i know is like A Joke including how i’m still simmering with resentment from a year ago or more over some Tweet i saw trying to dunk a meme about how asexuals are Anti-Psychology like, that’s an entire Other Essay there but needless to say for one thing i just pre-resent people hearing “could being autistic factor into the particular experience i have losing interest / arousal so easily (and inevitably as it’s big time primary anorgasmia around here)” and going “aha that makes sense b/c being ace means there’s something Dysfunctional going on cuz Lbr and bieng autistic means being a Fucked Up version of an allistic person and your autistacity is going to fuck up things about you which ought to function properly” like well that feeds right into itself in a loop and i hate it. and i know the whole “hehe someone who hasn’t had sex is a loser” thing is way engrained in there lmao ppl throw that punchline out all the time and like, idk, see the (i’m autistic) thing like it’s not like this is an unprecedented concept or the only front on which im like “i Know this is a thing ppl negatively judge in general but i also Know i do not buy into that or feel bad about it” like i do not personally consider myself cringe and fail for not having had sex ever and do not consider that Premise that someone is a joke for it to be true re: anyone but at the same time i know that this whole Awareness that people are shitty about it is frustrating to me lol. plus i think it is getting into the Entire Thing where concepts as broad as Maturity and Humanity At Its Most Complex And Worthwhile are considered intrinsically linked to romance and sex, which is something that i am somewhat self-conscious of being aromantic and [having never had sex and it could well be that i will not ever have sex even if The Opportunity(tm) is there] and i know it is frustrating to me b/c sometimes when i start to even talk about “i have not had sex yes im aware this is like (spit take) what a nerd, Sure” b/c i will easily cry out of frustration like 5 seconds in lol. which i cry easily enough but Usually getting teared up b/c i feel Hyped Up / Enthusiasm for something lmfao.......anyways plenty of tangents to go down here but my point is shoutout to the other person for also never orgasming and just being bored with masturbation if anything

and also to the people who were like “i can have / have had orgasms but i don’t actually enjoy it” like considering the way that [not like i experience anything even close to an orgasm but there is sometimes An Increase in arousal achieved, either a tiny raise in the Level or on occasion a bit of a kick which is mostly like “whoa tf chill out”] is overall Underwhelming even if there is Any enjoyment in it and the whole Back To Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing re: the entire lack of afterglow they mention and it’s like well that kinda feels like parallel experiences here lmao. which tbh is like. makes me care even less with like Humorous Annoyance at the fact that ppl are out here simply able to have orgasms and to have access to that just by like yep here i go masturbating lmaooo like okay

anyways idk how to Conclude this lmfao. Fun Fact i have hc’s about how winston billions who is autistic experiences sexual stimulation (he gets the Really Enjoys It kind of sensory processing time here lol) but i suppose the easiest simplest one to explain is the “remember the Tayston Crying Sex drawing, the idea is that things can be kinda overwhelming while still being Good if it’s handled right by his partner (or himself ig lol) and he can tear up as sort of an overflow thing” like well you probably already knew that was connected to the broader whole of Winston Billions Autistic Hc’s but in case you didn’t: it is

#me and ''Disappointed and a lil bored'' out here #round of applause from me to me....like the time i stumbled across the Source Media for some preview i remembered from a blockbuster vhs #like 20 yrs ago or whatever like ''am i making this sort of Distinctive memory up or modifying one to hell and back / combining them'' like #no i was not but it sure took me a While to mostly coincidentally find it via watching a list on youtube of like. partially Lost or just rly #obscure niche shit....it'd been a preview for a pc game for an ye olde disney series i'd never heard of in my life #anyways the point is it'd been something *i'd* been searching around for intermittently for a good while and managed to find and it was like #hooray but also i realize it's hardly relevant to like. much of anyone else but oh well good for me

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bountyofbeads · 6 years

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‘Stop the words of hate,’ rabbi urges leaders after synagogue massacre. Trump keeps tweeting.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2018/10/29/stop-words-hate-rabbi-urges-leaders-after-synagogue-massacre-trump-keeps-tweeting/

‘Stop the words of hate,’ rabbi urges leaders after synagogue massacre. Trump keeps tweeting.

By Tim Craig, Avi Selk, Shawn Boburg, Andrew Tran and Amy Wang

October 29 at 11:42 AM ET, Washington Post, Posted 10/29/2018

PITTSBURGH — At the end of a weekend that redefined concepts of religious hatred in the United States, a grieving Rabbi Jeffrey Myers directly linked Saturday’s massacre at his Tree of Life synagogue to the rhetoric of U.S. politicians.

“It starts with speech,” Myers said to loud applause at a Sunday-evening vigil attended by two U.S. senators. “It has to start with you as our leaders. My words are not intended as political fodder. I address all equally. Stop the words of hate.”

Two hours after the rabbi’s speech, President Trump absolved himself of responsibility and once again blamed others for the nation’s troubles.

“The Fake News is doing everything in their power to blame Republicans, Conservatives and me for the division and hatred that has been going on for so long in our Country,” Trump wrote on Twitter on Sunday night. “Actually, it is their Fake & Dishonest reporting which is causing problems far greater than they understand!”

The rest of the week will be marked by funerals for the 11 people killed inside Tree of Life, and very likely more debate over whether the aggressive political language that has defined Trump’s presidency had any role in fueling the gunman’s radicalization.

Robert Bowers, “onedingo,” and Trump

At the center of everything is Bowers: a 46-year-old truck driver with few apparent friends, and who left almost no impression on neighbors near his small apartment just outside Pittsburgh, which investigators finished searching Sunday.

A law enforcement source told The Washington Post on Monday that investigators recovered three handguns and two rifles and hundreds of rounds of ammunition after executing a search warrant at the residence. That’s in addition to at least four weapons recovered at the synagogue.

“We would have small talk, but he just seemed like a normal guy, and that is the scary part,” Bowers’s next-door neighbor Kerri Owens told The Post.

Bowers appears to have led another life under the online alias “onedingo,” posting on an uncensored social media platform called Gab that is an online haven for extremists.

Signing his posts with Bowers’s name, onedingo compared Jews to Satan and complained that Trump’s “Make America Great Again” movement cannot succeed so long as Jews “infest” the country. He also posted slurs against women who had relationships with black men, repeatedly referenced nooses and hangings, and used the n-word nearly 20 times.

The White House press secretary has called Bowers “a coward who hated President Trump because @POTUS is such an unapologetic defender of the Jewish community and state of Israel.” The Gab posts suggest a feeling closer to disillusionment with the president, whose daughter converted to Judaism, but who is often accused of stoking anger, hatred and even anti-Semitism in his political rhetoric.

In February, onedingo posted a meme of a Monopoly Chance card with superimposed images of Trump dragging Hillary Clinton to jail.

In May, he wrote that he did “not vote for Trump nor own or ever even worn a maga hat.”

In October — as Trump was repeatedly tweeting about a caravan of refugees and migrants heading through Central America toward the U.S. border — onedingo began to complain about a Jewish group’s efforts to hold Shabbat dinners for refugees.

The group “likes to bring invaders that kill our people,” he wrote hours before the Pittsburgh massacre. “I can’t sit by and watch my people get slaughtered. Screw your optics, I’m going in.”

The attack, the deadliest on Jews in U.S. history, targeted a synagogue that is an anchor of Pittsburgh’s large Jewish community, about a 25-minute drive from Bowers’s home. Police and FBI investigators say Bowers walked in during Saturday morning services with an AR-15 rifle and three Glock pistols, and spent the next 10 minutes or so gunning down any worshipers he came across.

Myers, the rabbi, said at Sunday’s vigil that he was praying with a dozen early worshipers when the gunman appeared at the door.

“I ran through the back of the sanctuary, up the stairs,” he told an NBC reporter afterward. “I went up into the choir loft. I heard him execute my congregants. I didn’t watch. I couldn’t watch it."

Police pursued Bowers in a running gun battle to the third floor the synagogue. When they captured him, according to a federal complaint, the quiet man who had left no impression on his neighbors ranted and raved like his online persona.

“They’re committing genocide to my people,” Bowers allegedly told police. “I just want to kill Jews.”

Hate speech

On Saturday, Trump said the massacre was an “evil Anti-Semitic attack” and “an assault on humanity.” But he has said little about Bowers, and shown little interest in joining a national debate about whether the country’s hostile political climate or loose gun regulations helped enable the attack.

Trump suggested Saturday that the synagogue should have had armed guards — as he has done after other mass shootings. Then he tweeted about a baseball game, called one of his political rivals a “crazed and stumbling lunatic,” and by Monday he was once again stoking fears about the migrant caravan, calling it “an invasion of our Country.”

In between, the president assured his followers that the “great anger in our Country” was the fault of “The Fake News Media, the true Enemy of the People.”

Democrats on Sunday said Trump’s incendiary attacks on rivals have created fertile ground for those inclined toward extremism.

So did Abraham Foxman, former director of the Anti-Defamation League, which recorded a massive spike in anti-Semitic incidents in the United States in 2017 — the first year of Trump’s presidency.

"Trumpism legitimized the bigots to come out of the sewers and gave them a platform to play on,” Foxman told the Jerusalem Post. “He has said the right things on antisemitism this week. But he needs to change the rhetoric he uses to explain his policies, which gives millions of bigots a rationale for their bigotry.”

Since the shooting, more than 25,000 people have signed an open letter to Trump in support of 11 Jewish leaders who said the president would not be welcome in Pittsburgh until he denounced white nationalism.

Pittsburgh city Councilwoman Erika Strassburger, whose district includes the Squirrel Hill neighborhood, attended the Sunday night vigil and said she sensed not just overwhelming grief, but also weariness and, in some, a desire to turn anger into action.

“It was a more general frustration of, ‘When is this hateful rhetoric going to stop?’ and that [our discourse] seems to be further inflamed by elected leaders,” she said, without naming anyone in particular. “When will the hate end? When will we be able to come together as a country?”

The White House did not respond to a request for comment about the letter.During a television appearance Monday morning, White House counselor Kellyanne Conway responded to another request for the president to stay away from Pittsburgh from Lynette Lederman, the former president of Tree of Life synagogue, who has said she considers Trump a “purveyor of hate speech.”

“I know that she’s very grief stricken, I can imagine, and my heartfelt condolences go to her and everybody in that congregation regardless of politics,” Conway said on CNN. “Many people are welcoming the president to go there and to help heal.”

Funerals and court

Bowers was reportedly released from the hospital Monday after being shot by police before his capture. He is scheduled to appear in federal court before Magistrate Judge Robert C. Mitchell at 1:30 p.m. Monday.

He faces at least 23 state charges, including homicide, attempted homicide and aggravated assault against police officers. He faces an additional 29 federal charges accusing him of civil rights and hate crimes.Federal prosecutors in Pennsylvania have begun the process of seeking the death penalty for Bowers, a Justice Department spokesperson said Sunday. The process is typically lengthy, involving input from relatives of the victims before the final decision is made by the attorney general.

Funerals for the 11 victims are also expected to begin this week, though it’s unclear whether the criminal investigation will delay them.

The dead included a 97-year-old woman, a husband and wife, and two brothers.

Selk, Boburg, Tran and Wang reported from Washington. Kayla Epstein in Pittsburgh and Mark Berman, Alice Crites, Sari Horwitz, Annie Gowen, Wesley Lowery, Julie Tate, John Wagner and Matt Zapotosky in Washington contributed to this report.

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nationallampoon · 7 years

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President Trump Welcomes the First Pet

“Black crows in the meadow

Across a broad highway

Though it’s funny, honey

I just don’t feel much like a

Scarecrow today”

~ Bob Dylan, “Black Crow Blues”

Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House… Episode 5.

Read Episode 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

Few in the White House paid notice to the first six crows that congregated in the Rose Garden, just outside the Oval Office. It was only 8:00 am.

By 8:35 there are twenty-five crows.

At 9:15, Chief of Staff Reince Preibus counts at least fifty crows. All cawing loudly, creating a great cacophony of ear-splitting noise.

“What the fuck is going on?” President Trump asks his staff as he looks out the Oval Office windows.

9:30. Close to a hundred black birds have completely overtaken the Rose Garden. Some of the murder of crows have begun pecking at the White House windows. Three slam into the Oval’s windows, testing their strength, knocking themselves out in the process. The noise is deafening. Some of Trump’s staff are rolling Kleenex into wads to try and plug their ears.

9:40. Another fifty crows swarm the White House grounds. More birds attack the White House windows, smashing into the glass with a loud bang.

President Trump says, “Someone call and wake up Nugent. He’s in the Lincoln Bedroom. Have him blast these motherfuckers.”

9:45. Ted Nugent stumbles onto the Truman Balcony in his loincloth, his hairy beer belly sagging over the front, loading an AR-15 with a 100 round high-capacity drum magazine.

The crows continue swooping and cawing and slamming into the Oval Office windows. Ted Nugent raises the AR-15 and begins firing rounds as fast as he can pull the trigger into the murder of crows.

Four crows are blown to feathery bits by by the high-powered bullets right away. The crows turn towards the Truman Balcony, recognizing where the threat is coming from.

Then the crows attack.

Dozens of angry crows swoop and swarm Ted Nugent like he was Tippi Hedren. The AR-15 sprays bullets wildly into the air as the crows engulf Nugent, pecking and biting the former rock star wherever they can. Nugent screams out in terror, “Help me! They’re killing me! Help me, Jesus!”

One of the crows rips out Nugent’s left eye and flies off with his trophy to feed and enjoy his reward.

Inside the Oval Office, President Trump and his senior staff stare outside in silent horror. Before his smartphone can be wrested away from the President, he manages to fire off a Tweet: “Nature is so biased against me! Sources tell me Obama trained these birds! UNFAIR!!!”

Ted Nugent expires, dying of blood loss from the crow attacks. The hundreds of carrion-loving birds spend the next five hours picking Nugent’s bones clean.

Later in the afternoon, CNN’s Jake Tapper has the renowned folklorist Dr. Geoff Hurley on to discuss what happened this morning. Hurley says, “Jake, crows often are bad omens and symbolize death. They tend to predict war, death, and misfortune. This is a bad sign for this floundering, hapless White House. Something dark and ominous is surely coming. To paraphrase Creedence Clearwater Revival, I feel a bad moon rising soon.”

“Thank you, Dr. Geoff Hurley, Endowed Professor at the University of Washington. What a weird morning. One has to wonder what comes next after this display from Mother Nature. We’re back with more of The Lead after this commercial break,” Jake Tapper says.

Only two United States Presidents — James Polk and Andrew Johnson — have lived in the White House without a pet. Some presidents were actual animal lovers, others had pets as public relations tools. It’s believed a pet “humanizes” a President. Fala, Checkers, Socks, Barney, and Bo are all part of the American pop culture lexicon. There’s been many dogs and cats, but also horses, a blue macaw, a raccoon, two bear cubs, a pygmy hippo, a bobcat, and William McKinley’s parrot that could whistle “Yankee Doodle.”

The public perception of President Trump being what it is, it was suggested by his children, especially Ivanka, that a pet dog would help soften his image.

Three dogs were given a trial period. All three hated the President. A Dalmatian pup named Salty bolted every time someone tried to take him outside. It took five Secret Service agents to catch him after each escape. Humphrey, a chocolate lab, loved everyone except for Trump. Dogs and children have great instincts, they sense what kind of a person you are. Humphrey bounded around the West Wing, greeting everyone on the staff, but when Trump approached, the lab barked loudly, spun around twice and took a dump on the carpet. The third dog, a West Highland White terrier named Angus tried to bite Trump whenever possible. When he couldn’t get a bite on Trump , Angus latched onto the pant leg of the President’s baggy suit and wouldn’t let go until bribed with a bacon-flavored treat.

“This obviously isn’t working, Mr. President,” Chief of Staff Reince Preibus says. “Maybe we should either try a cat or bag the idea.”

President Trump holds up one of his tiny index fingers to silence Preibus. “I want a monkey,” Trump says.

“Sir, you can’t have a monkey, they’ll—-“

“A monkey. Get me a monkey. Great for ratings. Lots of TV shows will get a monkey to boost ratings. Remember that show Friends? Tremendous show. They had a monkey. That Rachel was a piece of ass, right? Remember her?”

“Mr. President, this isn’t a television show. It’s a White House administration and we’re struggling.”

“It’s a TV show, Reince. All of this is a TV show. Get me a monkey.”

With the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus shutting down after 146 years, all of the animals are being distributed to “reputable sanctuaries.” Among those beasts is a two-year-old chimpanzee named Joni. The ape was named after Joni Mitchell.

Already trained and comfortable with humans, Joni bounded into the White House residence happy to meet the staff and First Family. Reince Priebus presented what Trump thinks is a “monkey” saying, “Mr. President, this is your new pet. Her name is Joni but the Communications Office thinks we should change it to something presidential or patriotic. They were thinking Mary Todd, or Eleanor. Maybe Betsy after Betsy Ross.”

“Titties,” President Trump says.

“What, sir?”

“Titties. The monkey’s name is Titties.”

Ivanka says, “Daddy, I don’t think that name is a good idea.“

“I know what I like, sweetheart. The monkey’s new name is Titties. Great name.”

Titties quickly becomes ensconced in the West Wing of the White House. She poses for glossy photoshoots with Us Weekly and People magazine. She makes cameo appearances at Sean Spicer’s press briefings, welcomed by the cynical media with rapturous applause. The ape sits in on most senior staff meetings, and like legends of Caligula’s horse Incitatus, Titties has become a trusted aide to President Trump. Trump values her loyalty.

During a meeting in the in the East Room, Chief of Staff Reince Preibus tries to inject his opinion on concessions or compromises that could be made to the most-likely-dead-on-arrival new health care legislation. Barely three sentences come out of Preibus’s mouth before he is hushed by the President.

“Yeah, yeah, Reince, fuck that. That sounds like I’m soft. Titties, what do you think? Ignore those ideas?”

The chimp grins wide, showing her teeth and nods enthusiastically.

“There you have it,” Trump says. “End of discussion. Reince, Titties is gonna take your office. You can find a cubicle in the Communications Offices.”

Preibus can barely stammer out the words, “But, sir, I’m your Chief of Staff. I need to have acce—“

“You retain your title, Reince. But your office is now Tittie’s office.”

Over the next few days, President Trump’s new pet receives a new personal tailor and a new title. Titties is officially First Pet and Senior Advisor. The tailor, who previously has worked on Victorian era period dramas for the BBC, makes Titties a jewel-incrusted purple satin cape. Two of the Washington D.C. orphans that were sewing Make America Great Again hats in the White House sweatshop are reassigned to carry the train of Titties’ purple cloak. Also, Trump commissions a custom sold gold scepter from Tiffany’s for the First Pet. Rare red diamonds decorate the scepter that Titties like to hit Reince Priebus in the ass with, much to the President’s amusement.

In his dark, bat-filled basement office, Steve Bannon twists open his second bottle of Rebel Yell bourbon as deliveries are brought to him. There’s only one parcel he’s looking for. The box from Alexander Historical Auctions in Chesapeake City, Maryland.

Bannon opens the box with a Nazi, swastika-emblazoned dagger with an ivory handle. That implement is fitting for what’s inside. Bidding anonymously, Bannon paid $243,000 dollars for Adolf Hitler’s telephone. The auction house billed the item as “arguably the most destructive weapon of all time,” since it was from that Bakelite phone thousands of death orders were given. With drunken tears in his eyes, Steve Bannon carefully takes the paint-chipped red phone from the box. He takes the receiver off the hook and smells the mouthpiece, hoping to get a faint hint of The Führer’s breath. He’s overcome with joy, which is them magnified as he watches Reince Preibus carrying a cardboard box filled with office supplies from his former office to a cubicle in the Communications Offices. Also on the monitors, Bannon sees a team of movers bringing in the new decor for Titties, the First Pet’s new office.

“What a great day,” Bannon slurs out loud.

Knowing that President Trump has been feeling cooped up in the White House that he routinely calls “a shithole,” the Senior Staff has arranged a treat. As the sun sets to the west, Trump spins donuts in a fire truck on the South Lawn. The whole time blasting the siren and yelling self-congratulatory exclamations into a megaphone.

Read Episode 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

President Trump Welcomes the First Pet was originally published on National Lampoon | The Humor Magazine Est 1970

#bannon #bo #DC #hunter s. thompson #ivanka #monkey #pence #pet #politics #the white house #Trump #USA

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Huffington Post: In Campaign-Style Rally, Trump Promises New Immigration Action, Obamacare Replacement

Addressing an adoring crowd of supporters in Melbourne, Florida, on Saturday, President Donald Trump promised new action to restrict immigration next week, and a plan to replace the Affordable Care Act soon after that.

“I’ve ordered the construction of a great border wall, which will start very shortly. And I’ve taken dramatic action to keep radical Islamic terrorists the hell out of our country,” Trump said at the rally in a hangar at the Orlando-Melbourne International Airport, drawing some of the loudest cheers of his speech.

Trump acknowledged, however, that a federal appeals court had halted his earlier attempt to ban refugees and citizens of seven Muslim-majority nations from entering the country. After criticizing the ruling by the panel of three judges on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit, he announced his intention to proceed with alternative plans.

“We will do something next week. I think you’ll be impressed,” Trump said. “Let’s see what happens. Here’s the bottom line: We’ve got to keep our country safe.”

It was not clear if Trump meant that his administration will try to challenge the 9th Circuit’s ruling at the Supreme Court, or if he’ll instead issue a modified executive order that might avoid some of the legal challenges of the directive he issued late last month.

Trump went on to cite alleged instances of refugee-perpetrated crimes and terrorism in Europe as evidence that the U.S. should adopt a more restrictive refugee policy.

Naming a host of different European countries and cities, Trump suggested that there had been a terror attack in Sweden the previous night.

“You look at what’s happening in Germany, you look at what’s happening last night in Sweden. Sweden. Who would believe this? Sweden,” he said. “They took in large numbers. They’re having problems like they never thought possible.”

Many observers promptly pointed out that no such attack had occurred in the Scandinavian nation.

He also repeated his false claim that the United States has already let in thousands of people who “there was no way to vet.”

In fact, refugees undergo the most rigorous vetting process of any immigrants admitted to the United States, often waiting upwards of two years to be cleared for entry.

Trump’s now-halted travel ban froze the admission of all refugees for 120 days and indefinitely barred refugees from Syria.

But Trump reiterated his plan to create so-called safe zones to protect civilians in Syria, a controversial proposal that he cut from an earlier draft of his travel ban.

“We’re gonna have the Gulf States pay for those safe zones. They have nothing but money,” Trump said Saturday.

The president also claimed that he would unveil a proposal for replacing the Affordable Care Act, commonly known as Obamacare, in two weeks.

“We are going to be submitting, in a couple of weeks, a great health care plan that’s going to take the place of the disaster known as Obamacare,” Trump said, prompting applause. “It will be repealed and replaced.”

Trump’s professed timetable echoes comments he and House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) made at separate press conferences on Thursday, when they claimed the White House and Congress would be rolling out their replacement plan some time next month.

On Saturday, Trump did not provide much additional detail about what the plan will entail, other than to say, “Our plan will be much better health care at a much lower cost.”

Most experts believe there is virtually no way to maintain levels of insurance coverage, reduce costs and ensure quality of care without some combination of the regulations, subsidies and individual insurance mandate that form the nucleus of the ACA.

Congressional Republicans initially planned to repeal the landmark health care law when they took office in January and replace it later at a time to be determined. Angry constituents have since accosted dozens of Republican members of Congress at town hall meetings, demanding to know how they would replace the law.

In response to public uproar and Trump’s own admonitions, they have slowed down their efforts to deliberate over how best to execute the law’s repeal.

Kevin Lamarque / Reuters

President Donald Trump stands next to Gene Huber, a supporter he invited onstage at a rally in Melbourne, Florida, on Feb. 18, 2017.

Trump’s boisterous gathering in Florida comes on the heels of a similar rally on Friday at a Boeing factory in North Charleston, South Carolina.

Holding campaign-style rallies is an unusual, if not unprecedented, move for a sitting president ― let alone one rounding out the first month of his presidency.

But Trump, who has at times been visibly frustrated with his administration’s early stumbles and the coverage of the White House press corps, was evidently in his element among his throngs of supporters. First lady Melania Trump made her first public appearance since the inauguration to introduce him and recite the Lord’s Prayer.

Trump then launched into his typical campaign themes, castigating the media, lavishing praise on his supporters and running through his ordinary talking points about bringing jobs back to the country and eliminating the crime he claims is plaguing America’s cities.

At one point, Trump harkened back to the theatrics that made him such a skilled campaigner. Spotting Gene Huber, a supporter he had seen interviewed on television, Trump invited him on stage with him.

“I saw this man on television just now ― you,” Trump said, pointing to Huber in the audience. “He said, ‘I love Trump. Let Trump do what he has to do.’ That’s my guy right there.”

“Let him up, let him up ― I’m not worried about him. I’m only worried he’s gonna give me a kiss,” he said, apparently addressing the Secret Service.

Huber, clad in a black Trump t-shirt, made his way through the barriers and onto the stage, clearly overcome by emotion. Trump hugged him and asked him to address the crowd from the podium.

“Mr. President, thank you sir. We the people, our movement is the reason why our president of the United States is standing here in front of us today,” Huber said. “When President Trump, during the election, promised all these things that he was gonna do for us ― I knew that he was gonna do this for us.”

“A star is born. A star is born,” Trump declared when he was done as the crowd chanted “U-S-A!”

Although the crowd of Trump supporters inside the hangar was thousands-strong, there was also a sizable contingent of protesters across the street.

“I felt compelled to come, even though I was a little frightened because this is not always an easy thing,” Elizabeth Faiella, who was protesting, told CNN. “But I don’t want the world to think that this gentleman represents how we feel ― about immigrants, about our environment, about our justice system.”

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