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trashlie · 1 year

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FP 217 (in which i scream from the rafters)

When I said I shan’t say anymore I meant in that post not tonight beCAUSE I WILL NOT SHUT UP TONIGHT. When was the last time I got a FP thoughts post out this fast?! Have I ever?!

THERE WAS NO MORPHINE! THERE WAS NO MORPHINE!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS ALL SHINAE!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL THAT PEACE AND CALM IS BECAUSE SHE WAS THERE, BECAUSE HE WAS ABLE TO ALLOW HIMSELF TO LEAN ON HER BECAUSE SHE STAYED BY TO WATCH OVER HIM AND WAIT FOR HIM TO WAKE

IT WAS ALL! BECAUSE! IT’S HER!!!!!!!!!!!

“I thought you didn’t like the silence?” “I don’t... But I like this silence”

I DON’T LIKE THE SILENCE BUT IT’S OKAY IF IT’S WITH YOU.

“It’s been a while since I’ve felt peaceful like this...”

I’M AT PEACE BECAUSE YOU’RE HERE

I’M GONNA SCUTTLE UP A WALL YOU GUYS!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I was here going “okay u know what the morphine is probably making him calm but still surely the fact that Shinae is there is part of why he feels okay” AND IT TURNS OUT THAT’S NOT THAT FAR OFF AFTER ALL?! LISTEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNN WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS?! NOL? BLUSHING?! NOL?!

Like okay there is a LOT to unpack in this episode and I SHOULD go to bed soon but I want to try to spit out as much as I can while it’s all raw and bouncing around in my head because it’s just going to rattle around if I try to go to sleep ANYWAY.

I... have so many thoughts about this episode and I’m just like a crow sitting on a wall cawing AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nol my boy. My guy. My dude. My problematic fave. You have just been awakened AAAHHHHHHHHH

NO BUT does this not tie in to what I was just yelling about - how Nol and Shinae exist in/are forged in these pockets of quiet, in these moments of still, they grow through the shadows outside of other peoples’ eyes. I once talked somewhere on here about how if you look at the Relationship Rectangle of Kousuke, Shinae, Nol, and Alyssa, Nol and Shinae are, arguably, the ones who share the most intimate/closest relationship - but they are also notably the ones who are are not seen. Meg was so surprised that Nol and Shinae were close enough that he had her number and tried calling her to find her at the black and white gala. Sure, of course, Nol and Meg aren’t close, how would she know. But we kind of saw a sense of this with Yui, too, who continually aligned Shinae towards Kousuke. Again, bias (and loathing lol) but the point still stands: nobody besides maybe Dieter lol are really quite aware of how important Shinae and Nol are to each other.

I mean, hell! Shinae didn’t realize it until she was left crying in the rain and Dieter woke her up to the fact that he had become a person Shinae loves, an actual, real friend. Nol sure didn’t seem to realize it, either, despite, yknow. gestures vaguely how everything went down lmao and even had to ask if she actually meant all the things she had said back there.

Nol and Shinae are the kind of relationship that just so naturally grows - at what point did she go from thinking him annoying to him being a friend? Even that isn’t so simple - she felt so much guilt when she saw him sitting outside after she went off on him during her lunch break and thought he’d sat out there the whole time feeling sad because she was mad lol like. IDK I love a really well-written, ever-growing relationship - when you can’t identify the moment a person goes from being a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend. Because that’s how it goes! And it just feels SO well-executed between them!

The way Shinae took off running to go grab some stuff before she would go to the hospital, like she wanted to be ready immediately so she could be there. Shinae who HATES hospitals, who never liked them, who is reminded of her own worst experience in one, who just recently went through it again when her father was in the hospital, still rushing to go there because Nol is that important, because he means that much.

Nol who was in a state of panic when he woke, clearly from his own awful past with the Hirahara Memorial (Yui) calming when he noticed Shinae. Nol who doesn’t like the silence, feeling comfortable and at peace, allowing himself to do something he’s never allowed himself before and leaning on a friend, feeling at peace for the first time in SUCH A LONG TIME. And feeling that way NOT because of morphine but because of WHO she is. Because she can bring him that calm, because she can bring him that peace

I’M GOING TO YELL FROM A ROOFTOP.

THAT EPISODE THAT FLASHED BACK TO THE POOL FALL AND HOW NOL WAS WILLING TO STAY DOWN THERE AND NEVER COME BACK UP, BUT BECAUSE SHINAE WAS DOWN THERE, TOO, HE COULDN’T, HE HAD TO GET HER OUT. SHE SAVED HIS LIFE BY NEEDING HERS SAVED. ;A;

AND HERE, SHINAE (AIDED BY LIL BUDDY) AND HER FRIENDS FIND NOL WHEN HIS LIFE IS IN DANGER AND SHE’S THERE TO MAKE SURE HE WAKES UP, TOO.

LISTEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT HUH? HOW CAN I NOT? JUST? LOVE THEM AND LOVE WHO THEY ARE TO EACH OTHER?!

That moment of realization, that frustration on his face, THE BLUSH. /HE’S FIGURED IT OUT/. HE UNDERSTANDS WHY HE FELT SO CALM, SO PEACEFUL, WHY HE WAS SO AT EASE HAVING HER THERE. HE KNOWS.

It is SO FUNNY that we were just musing about this - like how Shinae has been getting flustered all night, her heart galloping around, and here he is, too, just. Reveling. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SHINAE IS HIS COMFORT. ;A; I’m thinking yet again about how, when he found out he WASN’T at Hirahara Memorial, he turned his face into her more, like crawling closer in comfort. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

There’s so many other things to talk about, too, but I had to get this out first okay, I HAD to!

I know fandom hates Rand, but if you’re here reading this lol you know that I’m a sucker for grey morality and that Rand is a frustrating fascination of mine because he made this mess but so many people have to lie in it. But listen, I had some FEELINGS. The fact that Jayce said Rand would carry that Bible everywhere, that it was like his good luck charm - and tucked inside are photos and notes from Nessa, including a photo of Nol the day he was born. THAT SHIT HURTS. I don’t know how to express this well without... idk I trust that anyone reading this knows me well enough lol to know that I don’t absolve anyone of their blame just because I can sympathize.

And I DO. I DO sympathize. I’ve been saying it’s clear that Nessa was his true love - whether she was someone he loved before his marriage (clearly an arrangement) to Yui or if it happened afterwards. He LOVED her and he loves Nol, too, but he’s a man that doesn’t know how to express his emotions (in fact he has constantly tried to get Nol to be more like him and shove away his feelings), who has a vindictive and virtually law-less wife who can and will do anything she can to hurt him. So on some level I GET IT. He couldn’t be open with his love and affection for Nol. I think a part of him wants to be. That’s why he was so angry and said those awful things when Nol pleaded guilty - Rand was doing everything in his power to help him, to protect him in the only way he was allowed to and it was ruined. When he said he should have shipped him off to boarding school it wasn’t that he regretted having to raise this kid - it was that he regretted not doing enough to get Nol out of Yui’s reach. It was that he was greedy enough to want to keep his child near, this reminder of someone he loved, even though he knew he could not be the father he deserved.

And it sucks because look how things have turned out for Nol. Look at how much he has suffered, how much he’s been hurt. He’s so certain his father has no love for him, only shame. He’s so certain his father takes care of him out of obligation, not love.

But all these years, Rand has carried around a photo of newborn Nol. The child he and the woman he loved fathered together.

AND IDK it cuts me. Especially the fact that like... this was clearly Rand’s only comfort. This was the only thing that he could privately hold on to that brought him comfort and he made the choice to pass it on to Nol. Did he hope that it would comfort his son as it had comforted him all these years? Did he hope that it might convey all the things he’s been unable to say, all the things he couldn’t express? Idk it hurts me okay. It just. Idk you can be a shit father in a shit situation and I’m still going to feel sad that his choices have landed so many blows and ramifications.

I want to see the photos! I want to see what else is in there! Are there more notes? Did she write sweet letters about baby Nol that he can read? ;~; So many pages fell out of it. Did she tuck them back in or did she take them when she left? WHERE IS SHE GOING? At first I thought lmao maybe she’s off to find a vending machine to present him a little treat as a “sorry this isn’t a cake but you deserve to celebrate your birthday” kind of deal but someone else suggested she’s going to find Rand. I guess if she took the memorabilia maybe that makes more sense? Idk idk I like my cheesy little vending machine idea though lmaoooooooo

I also LMAO love him making a dumb pun because ONCE AGAIN it just brings back that Yeonggi very much is a part of who Nol is. Just because he played that part of himself up doesn’t mean that isn’t a very true part of him. It also means that all of this - the way he’s spoken to Shinae this evening, the way he’s treated her - all of it is very much sober. It’s just. Him. Not playing up his dark, edgy “would you like me still if u knew all the things i’d done” Nol lmao. Not upbeat pushed to the limits Yeonggi. This is the truest, most raw Nol we’ve seen and it’s beautiful. I worry he lol might try to put up his defenses as a result of his realization, but if we’ve learned one thing about Nol, it’s that he is ultimately unable to deny anything regarding Shinae lmao

Something else I want to touch on really quickly is Kousuke and that flashback. "I need you to keep him from harming himself." "It'll be safer for him to remain here with you."

I know on one level Rand is taking advantage of a moment to group with Yujing (and Shinae...?) in that he cannot have Kousuke (and Hansuke) there to overhear. He has pointedly asked for Shinae to come to the hospital, and not simply because she’s a friend. Whatever Rand and Yujin are working on, she is a part of. Kousuke and Hansuke cannot be a part of that. Also, taking care of both your bleeding-out son and your in-shock son is not an easy feat for anyone. I don't think he's like, brushing this off by any means, he knows Hansuke is good hands, but my question is: "I need you to keep him from harming himself" is this... a thing that has happened in the past? Is it in any way connected to the night that Nol was sent away? I'm trying to think if there's been any times where Kousuke has seemed like a danger to himself in that he could/would harm himself. Possibly drinking way too much would count. But it makes me wonder if there was ever a time that Kousuke, perhaps with no recollection of it, did anything that could bring himself harm?

Back in episode 96, Kousuke called over Hansuke, and Hansuke made a little comment that "FYI I'm not giving you any meds" and Kousuke remarked that none of his modes of relaxation have worked since his run in with Yujing. Also "What do you do to relax again?" "You already know." "Do you think maybe they have become too routine they don't work as well as they used to?"

I'm just spitballing here but seeing Kousuke just shut down like this, and how it seems very much like the time when Nol was taken away (asking Yui what happened) just makes me Wonder A Lot.

Like, Kousuke is presented to us as a character who is very much in control of himself, and has a tendency to try to control the world around his own personal narrative. But we have also been shown enough to know that's not entirely the case, and that Kousuke's sense of control is very much a sort of coping mechanism because his reality does not entirely align with actual reality. I want to know more about the meds. I want to know more about what happened that night. As Kousuke's characterization unravels, we're beginning to see that HE is more unraveled than he's appeared (which is just very much the general case of everyone in here lol)

I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE IS SO MUCH IN THIS EPISODE AND I’M SORRY BUT I CANNOT SHUT UP ABOUT THIS LITTLE NOL REVELATION quimchee is just. SHE IS FEEDING US. SHE’S GIVING ME EVERYTHING I WANTED

Also last tidbits I want to point out:

Rand’s face just looks SO haunted. So tired. He just aged 20 years. Shiane’s imitation of him was uhhh.... pretty on the nose lol

Dieter’s little “some friends we are huh” comment really hurt. Like, Nol is an unstoppable force. Could they have made more of a fuss to make him stay and get checked over? Sure. Would it have changed anything, though?

But also seeing the blood on his and Soushi’s hands.... wow that HURTS like. Fortunately we know Nol is okay (well. You know. As okay as he can be, all things considered) but still having to help your friend’s father gather your friend as he’s bleeding out all over you?! Isn’t that a little traumatic? Isn’t that HAUNTING?

There’s also something so tender and sweet about Dieter being offered the option to go do whatever he needs to and still being concerned about Minhyuk and all the food ;~; He’s a good bean. I don’t know if there’s anything much to read into the whole “We’ll let Shinae go first” bit. Dieter is, yknow, aware of Nol and Shinae’s close bond, so possibly this is his way of giving her that space? I think it’s at any rate on the complicated side - Nol just. Leaves them and cuts off connection to all of them and then suddenly he’s at Minhyuk’s house and Dieter has to play mediator? SOUSHI DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HE WAS THERE. JUST. BOOM. NOL FALLING FROM THE FLOOR ABOVE AND COVERED IN GLASS.

AND THEN SUDDENLY HE’S HELPING GET HIM INTO THE CAR, COVERED IN HIS BLOOD.

Jesus. Everyone needs therapy ;~;

Also my god Kousuke’s face. He looks haggard as hell. Assuming he saw photos of baby Nol in that Bible, it feels like it undoes everything he and Nol just confessed and said. That affectionate, loving version of Rand didn’t exist? But what does it mean if he carried around a picture of one of his baby sons?

Did he have anything about Kousuke in there? Had he already removed anything about Kousuke?

IDK THERE’S SO MANY FEELINGS YOU GUYS pls join me in my wailing and yelling ;A;

#I Love Yoo #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #ILY Brainrot #TRUST ME IT'S WORTH THE COINS LAKJFKJFJKAFJKJAKFJKAF #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Nol #Kousuke Hirahara #struggling with what to tag this as relevant lol #this feels like a rather shorter post (lmao for me) than usual but idk! i'm trying to spit it all out before i go to bed #I WANNA YELL WHILE IT'S STILL FRESH AND HOT AND IT'S GONNA RATTLE AROUND IN MY HEAD ALL NIGHT ANYWAY #screw it i'll include my ship tag too #Stalkyoo #Aegi #i wanna give them their own personalized tag that feels more fitting of them lmao #since i love to discuss them both as canon relationship and romantic potential lmao #ANYWAY UH there's a lot of yelling in here #like i'm just LAYING ON THE ALL CAPS #i have FEEEEEEEEEEEELIIIINGS GUYS #I AM SCUTTLING UP THE WALLS #lmao i just saw one of my friends alkjkjfjfk say my previous post convinced her to go fp the episode lmao CACKLES IT'S WORTH IT THO #how am i supposed to go to sleep when i'm just shouting everything in my brain i have so many thoughts okay #RAND.#/RAND/#I feel like I should dedicate a post to him one day?#fun fact: this webtoon is what made me really start to rethink my relationship with my parents and what it means to BE a parent and how #scary it is to BECOME a parent #how so often people become parents way before they're ready when they're still trying to grow up yet themselves when they are figuring out #who they are and what their life is and making mistakes and unfortunately making mistakes when raising kids AFFECTS them

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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years

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Gateway Drug | Part Forty-Five

Table of Content or Part Forty-Four

Read HERE on Wattpad

Words: 3.1K

Warning(s): Explicit language, sexual situations, mentions of drug abuse

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Five days detoxing at Doc's house+rehab+therapy=road to recovery=out of the woods. It's the magical equation I swore up and down wouldn't end in "Error."

The few dishes on the counter shatter into the floor once Nikki roughly sits me on it, his fingers digging into my thighs that wrap securely around him, our tongues twisting as we tug and pull at each other's clothes.

I get his pants undone as he pulls the towel from around my body, taking a handful of my soaking wet hair in his hand and tugging my head back to leave bites and bruises up and down my neck, causing me to hum in pleasure while my core pulses with anticipation to be filled by him.

Moving myself to the edge of the counter, spreading my legs as he runs his fist up and down his length a few times, I take heavy breaths, a wash of shame coming over me for a moment because this is the complete opposite of what we were instructed to do.

But fuck the "no contact" rule.

I've barely had any contact with him the past few months because he's been stoned or drunk. Telling me to practically ignore and avoid him for 30 days straight is like waving a loaded syringe in an addict's face before sitting it down in front of them and leaving them alone after telling them "okay I know it's right there and it's the one thing you struggle most to control yourself around, but don't even look at it."

Fuck that, and Nikki. And I refuse to walk around my own house anymore and not do the latter of those two.

The indescribable feeling of him pushing into me has my head tipping back , and my eyes closing as the both of us let out content sighs.

I put my weight on one of my hands that rests on the counter beside me, the other hand wrapped around the back of Nikki's neck, as he moves in and out of me ferociously and I meet him thrust for thrust.

Let's take a step back and catch up on how he and I had gotten to that point.

Eight Days Earlier

"You two can detox at my place, check into rehab, come out when you're better and we'll go from there." Doc explains to Nikki and Tansy as they both sit on our couch.

"W-What about the press? Or my mom?" Tansy asks him nervously, fumbling with the tag on the throw blanket she's enveloped in.

"You let me deal with your mom and the media, alright?" Doc assures her.

"Surely your mom won't be pissed at you for getting help, Tans." I try to tell her and she rubs her lips together.

"People will know I have a problem if I got to rehab." She points out. "It'll make me look bad."

"Having to cover your entire body with makeup to hide the discoloration of your skin and the track marks, looks bad, Tansy. Screw what people think. At least you're admitting you need help." I say and she doesn't reply, just looking at Nikki to gauge his reaction to all of this.

He looks pissed, but too tired and defeated to give a shit enough to argue with me anymore about it.

"What's the point of rehab if I'm just gonna end up kicking it at Doc's place?" Nikki asks me and I let out a breath.

"Because rehab will teach you coping mechanisms that Doc can't, Nikki. It won't take that long for you to get out if you just try your best at it." I reply and he scoffs.

"So, what, you're babysitting me at Doc's until I'm done throwing up, shitting myself, and having hot and cold flashes and then shipping me off for a few weeks?" He cuts his dead eyes at me and Doc and I exchange looks.

"Well, it depends on how quickly you adjust to rehab and make a turn around, as to how soon you can get out...so it might be more than a few weeks." Doc informs him. "And Bob has already scheduled you and Viv an appointment with a marriage therapist."

"Well if I'm spending more than three weeks in rehab there's no point in working on our marriage."

"The program you'll be in includes this particular therapist who's currently working on creating a schedule for Vivian to come visit you often and you two have your sessions bi-weekly." Doc states and Nikki rolls his jaw, looking at me.

"Is this what you really want? Your husband gone for weeks on end until some quack gives me a certificate and a gold star because I went 'X' amount of time without shooting up?" He harshly questions me and I rub my lips together.

I think of the reasons Nikki didn't spend more than three days in rehab the first time he went, was because A.) He refused to believe in a higher power, and B.) He didn't go to rehab because he knew he had a problem and wanted to get better, he went to rehab to appease the people around him because he felt we were twisting his arm until he gave up and cried "mercy" a.k.a "fine I'll go, just as long as you shut the fuck up and get off my back about it."

I look at him for a moment, studying his knotted hair, his yellow skin, his shot eyes, his weak appearance, before saying:

"I'd rather you hate me for a little while for getting you help, instead of waking up and trying to convince myself to continue to live in a world with no Nikki Sixx in it."

"We're not indestructible, Nikki." Tansy adds softly, knowing very well she and he both need help.

He doesn't say anything else.

She had Doc and I convinced she wanted help...but truth be told Nikki actually went to rehab while Tansy had Duff come get her from Doc's house.

She knew she had a severe problem, but the only time Tansy would "clean up" was when she gave her veins a break, out of fear of completely losing them, and was muscling smack. She would fall back on pills and lots of booze, then when some of her veins would start reviving themselves back from their smaller size, she would start up again.

I can't even say how much money she and her mother were paying people to keep quiet to the media.

Nobody could know perfect Tansy Lyn, Playboy's Barbie Doll, was so broken inside that she repeatedly destroyed her body, let it rebuild, and wrecked it again.

It must have been a punch in the face to her mom when Tansy came clean in '88 and admitted she had struggled with addiction and was going into rehab...and an even harder punch in the face when she came back in into the spotlight in 1989, dropping her stage name "Tansy Lyn" and dawning "Tansalyn Rose" after marrying Axl, and practically confessed every grimy detail of her obsession with hard drugs and alcohol since 1981, and why she started them to cope with what was happening behind the scenes of the brutal modeling industry.

In 1990, her vision-come-to-life, "I Won't Just Smile", was born. It started as a campaign to raise awareness against sexual abuse, exploitation, and coercion in all corners of the modelling industry, then stemmed into an organization that offered free services to victims of addiction and abuse, from rehab to post-assault counseling and everything in between.

Years of Diane's hard work to create her daughter's untouchable persona, completely shattered.

I was just thrilled Tansy had turned her struggles around and used them to help others, but first, she would have to face a handful of overdoses, one of which nearly killed her, have a section of her liver cut out, and have a temporary pace-maker.

All of it just made Axl more strict about drugs. Not just for the sake of the band and the fans, but he was afraid some members of Guns in particular would pull Tansy back into the merry-go-round of addiction after she got clean.

"You're telling me I can't stay with him and Tansy?" I ask Doc harshly in a whisper once the four of us get to his house.

"You won't want to stay, Viv. I'm telling you, they're gonna pull out all the stops to get you to cave and get them some smack because they'll be in so much pain. I don't want you to see them like that and I don't want you to compromise their recovery." He explains.

"You think I would do that?!"

"I know you would if it came down to it." He states and I roll my jaw. "This isn't just little flu symptoms and some body aches. They will feel like they are going to die, they will look like they are going to die and I cannot trust you not to give in." His brutal honesty. "You'll be able to see them in about a week, they'll be better by then and then we can look at the next step. Got it?"

I just glare at him.

"Go kiss 'em 'bye' and fuck off." He says next, waving his hand at me dismissively as he goes to my car to grab Nikki's bag and his car to grab Tansy's.

I step back into the living room to tell them 'bye' but stop myself, deciding it's better to let Doc deal with Nikki's pissed off temper when he discovers I won't be staying with them.

Grabbing my car keys from the table by the door, I head the house.

When I get back to our house, I check the machine that's blinking a light to signal a missed call.

I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water as Slash's voice slurs through the speaker.

"H-Hey, Viv, um...uh...we..." I chuckle at his incoherent mumbling and step to the phone to call him back as another message starts playing where his left off.

"Viv," It's Duff. "Call us back as soon as you can."

I furrow my brows a little, about to dial them back until yet another message comes on.

"Viv, we got signed!" Steven's screaming has me dropping my water and the phone, joy coursing through the soles of my feet up to my hair, and I'm running around and screaming along with his recorded message loudly blaring his own excitement.

I run back to the phone and pick it up, dialing their apartment.

"We got signed!" Steven's voice is shouting at me before the phone even rings a single ring.

"When?! How?! By who?!" I say back.

"We'll tell you over dinner because guess who got $7,500 cash advances?! The same mother fuckers who've been stealing from strippers to get by, that's who!" He exclaims.

"Yeah, don't ever tell people you guys did that!" I say in the same tone. "Lemme change and I'll be over there, okay?"

"Okay." He replies, and I can just hear his smile through the phone.

I hang up and give one last scream of happiness before sprinting to get changed and leave.

Tom Zutaut, the same man responsible for giving Mötley Crüe their shot, had given the same shot to Guns N' Roses.

They had signed to Geffen Records, and although that was their second goal--the first was getting a band together--they knew the main goal was to release their first album, and hopefully, have it a success.

Before I can even knock on the door, it's swinging open and Steven's like a puppy, jumping around, waiting on me by the door.

I hug him tightly, trying to keep myself from crying with immense relief that they're one step closer--a giant step closer--to their dream.

When we pull away from each other, Duff holds his hand up for me to give him a high-five and I do, his fingers locking with my hand to pull me into a hug and I'm sandwiched between him and Steven momentarily.

A flash catches my eye and we pull away from each other to see a girl with short, blonde hair, that I've never seen before, holding a camera.

"That's gonna be a good one." She tells us, smiling at Duff as the Polaroid deposits.

Mandy Brixx, member of the punk band, Lotus Lame and The Lame Flames, was a cute girl with bleach blonde hair, beautiful brown eyes and a captivating smile...and was also Duff's first wife.

Mandy wasn't perfect, but she didn't disown Duff after he told her he had gotten me pregnant.

Even though he didn't cheat on her with me, and they had been broken up for about six months when he and I got involved, I know it hurt her knowing he had hooked up with the woman she was sure she didn't have to worry about when they dated. They ended up getting back together in 1988 and got married the same year.

They divorced two years later because something just "changed" and neither of them were happy, but I've always respected her because she was really good to Monroe.

His second wife, however, was crazier than a run over dog because she was always on something.

The last time I saw her in 1993, she had said something crass and rude to Tansy and before Tansy could reply, I was asking Linda, "were you born a cunt or does the crack just bring it out of you?"

She swung on me and I swung back. Except when I throw a punch, I make sure it lands.

Maybe she would've actually hit me if her equilibrium weren't as fried as her brain.

I would've kicked her ass if Duff and Matt Sorum hadn't pulled me off of her.

I hope she got her shit together after they divorced in 1995.

I guess bass players and crack-head models go hand-in-hand...

"Viv, this is my girlfriend, Mandy." Duff introduces me. "Mandy, this is my best friend, Viv."

"Hi, it's good to finally meet you." Mandy tells me with a gentle smile and I extend my hand to her.

"You, too." I reply as she takes my hand in her's, my eyes subtly flickering to Duff now that he's standing beside her, silently asking him when the hell he was going to tell me about his girlfriend.

"I'll tell you later." He mouths to me where she can't see and I just keep smiling as she strikes up conversation with me.

Once we get to the Rainbow, Steven and I are a few steps in front of Duff and Mandy, the blonde drummer letting out a little sigh.

"What is it?" I ask, nudging him.

"Just worried about Tansy." He admits, and I raise my brows. "It's not like that, Viv, I swear." He promises. "She's a cool person, is all. I wish she was here to celebrate this with us."

"I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hear about it when you're allowed to go visit her in rehab." I remind him. "Where's the guys?" I ask next as we step into the Rainbow.

"Slash is hanging out with this chick he met a couple weeks ago, Izzy's with his girl friend and I don't know where Axl is." He tells me and I nod. "So it's just a double date for us tonight." He grins widely, winking at me slickly.

After hours of just goofing off, talking, eating and demonstrating our celebration of Guns' stepping stone, Mandy's calling it a night.

"I'll call you later, Duff." She says to him as she grabs her jacket and he stands up to let her scoot out of the booth.

"Sounds good, babe." He replies, kissing her cheek.

"It was really nice to meet you." She tells me.

"It was nice to meet you, too." I reply.

"Bye." She smiles one last time at Duff, waving to Steven before leaving.

"When did you me--"

"Viv, lemme out." Steven interrupts me and I furrow my brows.

"What?"

"Lemme out, there's a hot girl at the bar and she just waved me over. I wanna get laid. Lemme out." He pleads and I roll my eyes and scoot out so he can stand up.

He does so, heading straight to the bar to try his luck with a beautiful brunette.

And then there were two.

"You were saying?" Duff chuckles out when Steven's gone and I smile a little.

"When did you and Mandy meet?" I ask him and he lets out a breath of cigarette smoke.

"Uh, a month ago, maybe? She gave me her number and I went back and forth with myself until I convinced myself to call her." He explains. "We spent the weekend together so I guess we get along pretty good. She's a great girl."

"She seems nice." I tell him, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"Yeah, she is." He agrees, taking another drag of his cigarette.

I take a sip of my water and sit in the silence that falls over us before noticing he's staring at me.

"What?" I ask him.

"You wanna go somewhere with me?" He offers, putting his cigarette out.

"Where?"

"C'mon." He stands up, nodding to the door.

"But Steven--"

"--Is about to go mess around with that girl in the bathroom. He's not gonna be mad if we leave him." He adds. "C'mon, you'll like where we go."

"If you say so." I shrug.

He pays the bill and the two of us head back to their apartment so he can get his car.

I know I should have been at home by the phone, waiting for a call from Doc or Nikki or Tansy, but it was pointless to sit at home and worry when I couldn't do anything about it anyway.

When we get to where we're going, Duff is parking his car in the lot of an abandoned building, and I glance around to see there's not much traffic around us.

"Is this the part where you murder me?" I ask him and he busts out in laughter, shaking his head.

"This is where Mandy and her band rehearses." He explains.

"Why're we here?"

"I picked her up here the other day and noticed something you might like." He gets out the car and opens his trunk, pulling out a shopping bag.

"Duff..." I say, uneasy as we approach the rusted door.

"Shh, I got it." He digs in his jacket pocket and plucks out a worn key, unlocking the dead bolt and the door knob.

I follow him inside, and he switches on a light switch, only one light beam in the ceiling comes on, and in the large, dim room, I see a large mirrored wall, sleek but worn out wood floors, and I turn to see Duff holding out a brand new pair of pointe shoes to me.

I wasn't going to tell him I'd gone so long without dancing that I'd have to work my way back up to dancing on pointe, because he'd spent money for the shoes and they looked to be around my size and I didn't want to know how observant he had to be to estimate my shoe size in terms of ballet...so I did something I was really good at doing at that time in my life.

I kept myself from crying.

I knew Duff was going to be a constant encourager in my life when he held those shoes out to me and so easily, so confidently, said:

"You've supported and helped me get into my groove of things to start accomplishing my dream. Now, I'm helping you get back into your's."

#nikki sixx #tommy lee #vince neil #mötley crüe #gateway drug

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