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somebody-909 · 3 years

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I Love Yoo 151 Analysis (pt.1) - The Masquerade Party

Episode 151 is... intense. We see the culmination of what's been bubbling under the surface for both Shin-ae and Yeong-gi... and their moment in the rain is filled with call-backs and references to previous moments they’ve shared, and feelings that have been building under the surface. And some stuff that’s completely new (apparently).

Losing Yeong-gi

Upon learning of Yeong-gi’s sentencing and his real name, Shin-ae decides to confront him. She feels a slew of heavy emotions that confuse her.

“I feel like shit. Why do I feel like shit? Shouldn’t I be pissed?”

Although she feels disappointment over having been lied to (and expects herself to be angry), her intense emotional response is instead caused not by a sense of betrayal but rather a more pressing issue — the imminent loss of her friend.

This is what she finds intimidating in Ep. 133, when she reflects on how Yeong-gi seemed “out of reach”. It was not his aptitude at work, but rather this sense of her not being able to reach him that she found intimidating.

This has been a recurrent idea since the formal, Shin-ae wants to bridge the distance and reach him, be there for him. But the events around him, and perhaps her own inability to understand him prevent her from doing so.

And now that subconscious fear has come to fruition; she didn’t reach him, she didn’t know what he was dealing with and now she is in the process of losing him. She “feels like shit” because the impending sense of losing Yeong-gi has overtaken, along with a complicated mix of concern, guilt, sadness and grief.

These emotions are so strong it pushes Shin-ae to action, and she tracks him down at his school to confront him – a last ditch effort to “save” him. Him being her friend. Him being Yeong-gi.

The loss of “Yeong-gi” is further emphasized by the reveal of his name — it feels as though the Yeong-gi she once knew is already on his way to being gone. And the one who’s left would be Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn.

But she doesn’t know Nolan.

A Thing in Common

The Masquerade Party

After Yeong-gi ignores Shin-ae, she begins to voice her feelings of betrayal:

“I met this person once, weird fella. He offered himself as someone I could talk to… Because he could tell I was putting up a front…"

Yeong-gi and Shin-ae are drawn to each other because they relate to their feelings of hurt beneath their outward appearances. (If we're being specific Yeong-gi is initially drawn to Shin-ae due to understanding how it feels to put on a mask to hide one's own misery. Later, Shin-ae reciprocates interest because he extends a hand, letting her remove her mask).

This focus on facades, including the flashback dialogue at the beginning of Ep. 151 ("Will you be my partner?"), brings into focus something that may have long been forgotten, the beginning of Shin-ae and Yeong-gi's relationship — the masquerade.

The Masquerade party where the two meet, symbolically represent this similarity — how they wear masks to blend in with the others and hide what they feel.

Perhaps the poor quality of Shin-ae's mask in relation to Yeong-gi's, and how it's immediately removed at the party reflects the "poorer quality" of her deception.

Yeong-gi also bumps into Shin-ae, causing her to drop her mask. He notices it and picks it up from the ground.

Later, when Yeong-gi asks Shin-ae to be his partner, he is wearing his mask. And when Shin-ae accepts his offer, she is not wearing hers.

When Shin-ae accepts his offer to be "partners" (friends) later in the comic, she chooses to trust him without her facade. But Yeong-gi has his mask on even when he asks to be partners, and continues to wear it after she accepts.

Additionally, Yeong-gi's mask is on his face, making it symbolically indistinguishable from his actual face to Shin-ae. In contrast, Yeong-gi not only causes Shin-ae to drop her mask, but is also in possession of it throughout and by the end of the party, emphasizing how he easily notices and differentiates between the mask and Shin-ae, as it is separate from her.

The Discrepancy

When we compare the two and how they wear their masks, Shin-ae is significantly more straightforward with her feelings. She isn't very great at lying and hiding her disdain for others, such as with Yui, when Randulph insults Yeong-gi to gauge her reaction, or during her falling out with Maya.

Instead, when she does don her mask, it's done out of:

compassion for others — she tries to stay strong for her father

self-preservation and protection — she has been hurt and terribly bullied before. Why trust others who may only hurt you in the end?

emotional repression — she has a bad relationship to her own emotions and uses artificial stoicism to convince herself that she’s okay. If she acts like it, maybe she'll feel like it.

Yeong-gi by contrast… is far more manipulative in his deception. He has:

hidden his deal with Kousuke from Shin-ae, carefully distancing himself from her without her knowing

Managed to make his friends think he was fine for years

Lied about his abilities in school

Faked his left-handedness to have writing that makes him seem more incompetent

So what we see is that Shin-ae, who is actually very honest, reaches a point where she lets down her facade quicker than Yeong-gi and becomes emotionally open. And she would never be capable of pretending she was emotionally close to someone. This may be part of the reason why she doesn't explicitly and consciously notice Yeong-gi's distance — she herself is honest, why wouldn't someone she trusts be too?

But Yeong-gi is wholly capable of being deceiving. He originally tries the route of least resistance (slowly cutting off Shin-ae), but now being confronted, he chooses a more aggressive approach — pretending to not care for her at all.

However, we cannot forget their similarities — Yeong-gi’s "deception", despite being more convoluted, is born from the same reasons as Shin-ae.

Yeong-gi is just trying to protect himself. Yeong-gi hasn't ever felt he could be honest with anyone about anything, even the most minute details (like his capability and potential, even his right-handedness... which is frightening).

But when it comes to his relationship with Shin-ae, he’s trying to protect her from himself.

But how could Shin-ae understand this convoluted mess of sincerity and insincerity? She cares about him, she trusts him, she wants him in her life, but he still says no.

This disconnect in how the characters act and their desires is what results in this heartbreaking falling out. Shin-ae dropped her mask a long time ago, but she now learns that Yeong-gi never did.

Could the boy who asked to be partners, who introduced himself as Yeong-gi, who extended his hand to help her... have just been a facade this whole time?

(we're gonna answer that question — in the next part since you can only put 10 pictures in a post — and spoilers: no. Part 2 focuses on what is genuine and what we can see behind the mask.)

#i love yoo #ily 151 #stalkyoo #shin ae x yeong gi #nol hirahara #nolan lochlainn #yeong gi hirahara #shin ae yoo #webtoon #webcomic #shoujo #manhua #manhwa #my post #my meta #i love yoo meta

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ninapaquita · 3 years

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Nolan Oliver T(iger) Lochlainn 😭

#I love yoo #i love yoo webtoon #nol #yeong gi #just me everyday simping for this man #nothing new under the sun

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youuuimeanmee · 3 years

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It's been a month and my head is still full of Nolan T. Oliver Lochlainn. I tried to make several metas but they got too long and definitely spoiler-y. All I can say is, all of the recent episodes -be it fast-passes or not- definitely changes my perspective of how I see him, especially my interpretation of him on earlier episodes. It forces me to change my glasses from "romance" to "slice-of-life-psychological drama" one. There is no action without consequences and there is no result without a cause, and not all of them are romance. As a Stalkyoo shipper, it disturbs my shipping time. They do have plenty of beautiful powerful moments (especially the last 2 chapters), but I'm starting to doubt whether they're romantic or platonic. I feel really guilty for squealing with joy because I can actually feel they're suffering, and each has their own cause that I can't set aside.

TLDR; I want to make a Nolan meta but his case is heavily intertwined with Shinae and Kousuke and I'm having a hard time to separate them, I don't know what to do hahah

Shinae really is stuck with a handful brothers.

#i wont be surprised if this dish is a family friendship drama with romance as a sprinkle #like #i cant get invested in romance anymore #and that's just incredible #i love yoo #ily #webtoon

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trashlie · 10 months

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ILY FP 231

ALRIGHTY KIDS WHO’S READY FOR STALKYOO WEEKEND WHO’S READY FOR ME TO TALK NONSTOP ABOUT ILY AND TENSION AND FEELINGS AND EXECUTION AND SUBTEXT I’M RARING TO GO picture me frothing at the mouth rattling the bars of my cage because that’s been me and that WILL remain me!

Look I’m about to choke out 246 different posts but I’m going to do my best to try to keep this one on topic... but we know how I get so uhhhh. Brace yourselves lmao

This episode is just CATNIP for me, and I know I keep saying that but forgive me, everything we’ve been getting in these arcs is jus tailor-made, it’s the stuff I feast on, it’s got me scurrying up walls like a lil lizard chewing on the rafters shrieking like a banshee. I am FED and I am addicted and I WANT MORE!!!!!!!

Nana + Shinae is just unhinged chaos I was completely unprepared for and getting to see them play out more in this episode is a HOOT. I say this with affection, but I am SO GLAD she’s not MY grandma cos WOW I, too, would be so embarrassed. (Actually she reminds me a lot of my mom, pls understand the embarrassment I have endured at her hand!) Shinae and Nana bonding over their mutual dislike for Rand was SO funny - like oh shit wait you don’t like that old geezer OR that witch? Oh you have TASTE (also there’s a subtle little... dig if we want to call it that “Oh I like this one” [eyes]). All the while Nol just sits by watching with that EXPRESSION LMAO

In fact, all of Nol’s expressions are SO funny and SO good! I cannot get over his deeply mortified blushing when Nana called the headband his “comfort headband” and pretty much aired that he was so upset that he was fiddling with it lmao LIKE COME ON (BUT ALSO HER INSINUATIONS? NANA U NASTY FREAK LMAOOOOOOO implying he’d done something unholy with it I SIMPLY CANNOT) His expression as he fucking!!! Throws!!!!! His blanket over her with his lil eye buggin out? PURE COMEDY I LOVE IT

But obviously the meat and potatoes of this episode is the Shinae Nol confrontation - and the elephant in the room. Nol says so much while saying so little - the subtext is off the charts and it’s INSANE to me that they are just.... confessing between the lines lmao

Let me get this out of the way, my favorite point to yell about: Nol cannot resist Shinae. He tries and he always fails. He is so weak in the face of her - and now he finally understands why. She doesn’t seem to realize it, but she manages to elicit truth out of him, she keeps him rooted to the spot. He’ll purposefully distance himself from her - angle away, sit away - but he still ends up angled in towards her, drawn in. She gets to him in a way that, as far as we can tell, no one else can. It’s what made it so difficult for him to actually part with her - why he stumbled and clutched her before he finally snipped the cord, why he had to block her and when she got around that (her message in his spam) he had to drown it out with alcohol. Her gravitational pull on him is so great and he is now aware of it.

I think he did have every intention to talk to her. Maybe he wasn’t going to be as open as we hope. He seemed like he wanted to at least try to clear something up. But his tune completely changed after she brought up Dieter, after she made him realize that Dieter saw it all, that he knew what Nol knows. Ngl I find this simultaneously funny and frustrating because it DOES put them in such a precarious position and Shinae is just SO unaware of it yet!!!!

Nol knows that when it’s just them, things cease to matter. It’s the way he phrases things - like how he talks about when they thought everyone was asleep, because it was that cloak of secrecy that allowed him to be so bold. It was the belief that the whole world was asleep and they were alone in their bubble, no thoughts, nothing else, acting on their whims. He knows he made a move on her, and he knows it was intentional, and it would never have happened if Dieter and Soushi were awake. But that’s the thing about when Nol is alone with Shinae - he seems to forget everything else. She disarms him and he acts on his whims.

The range of his expression is so good here - going from guarded and cautious to the moment he’s putting the dots together and he closes his eyes and screws up his face. Nol isn’t an asshole - he knows what Dieter must be feeling, what it must be like to have witnessed that, to listen in on that. Shinae may not have processed how loaded it was, but Nol can see it easily from Dieter’s perspective.

And here’s the thing about Dieter, too. He’s not a fool, he knows what he’s up against. I don’t mean it in that he’s competing with Nol, really, but we know he compares his relationship with Shinae to other peoples’ relationships with her. We’ve seen him voice his insecurity to Minhyuk - that he doesn’t have with her what Nol does. When he told Shinae she loves Nol, he obviously meant it as a friend, the way he does - but I still think he was voicing a fear that he already had in his heart. Like Nol, though, Dieter isn’t good at resisting Shinae, and he lets his hope build up when he knows better. Dieter knew he was playing with fire.

That doesn’t make it hurt any less, though - to basically have it confirmed almost behind your back. Dieter can see it for what it was - not just the way Nol was acting, the way he looked at her, the way he literally put the moves on her lol but it was the way she received it, the way she flusters under his gaze. It was how she stayed at his side the whole time, how her concern for him outshines her need for sleep or food.

Nol’s guilt is SO strong, it permeates this episode, but I think it’s also very much twisted with his fear. It’s easier to use the guilt, to frame around that, because in his mind he fucks things up all the time, he makes things worse, his existence creates more problems. I love that Shinae calls him out on the fact that it’s not his fault that his plan to get her and Dieter together didn’t work because it’s true. While he’s not wrong to some degree - pushing Dieter and Shinae to be friends does kind of prolong the pain, at the end of the day, they all make their choices. Dieter chose to collect those moments with Shinae knowing they were supposed to be strictly platonic, everything as friends. Shinae still chose to confide in him, to open up, to let him in. Just because Nol pushed the friendship it doesn’t mean they had no agency in the matter.

But obviously the real issue is not that he pushed them, that it draws out the pain for Dieter. It’s that he did all of that and in the end, he was the one who hurt him the most. It wasn’t that Shinae didn’t reciprocate - it was that Nol has feelings, too.

Now, I want to make a point here that I’m sure we’re all on the same page about. No one is really “at fault” here. It’s not like anyone has done anything wrong. Sure we can argue that Shinae has gotten Dieter’s hopes up unintentionally. Sure we can argue that liking someone your friend likes is bad. But human feelings are messy and don’t exist in a vacuum of good vs bad. The whole thing about dibs is so gross in general - it denies someone agency and instead rests on those who like them. Is Nol a bad friend for falling for someone his friend also likes? Is Shinae a bad person for falling for the friend of the guy who likes her? Obviously there are things that need to be cleared up - she needs to sort out her feelings for them, but the point remains. No one is at fault.

But that doesn’t mean Nol won’t feel guilty, won’t feel like an asshole for finding a new way to hurt the people he cares about.

I know this sounds crazy but I kind of lmao like the way he told Shinae she needs to go, that “You can’t be here alone with me any longer.”

Nol has acknowledged his role in this. He acknowledges the way he deliberately hurt Dieter, even though it wasn’t his intention. And what’s more is what he’s not saying - the subtext. That she can’t be alone with him because they will continue to say and do things that will hurt Dieter, that will create more pain. Nol knows how easily Shinae can disarm him if he’s not vigilante. All it takes is her bringing him ease again, him falling back into that comfort, forgetting the rest of the world, acting on it again.

There’s something that feels so urgent about it? Intense? That she NEEDS to go because he doesn’t have the willpower any more. That he’s trying REALLY HARD to be a good person, a good friend, but it’s so difficult. He says it every which way besides with words, and if you read between the lines he’s practically screaming it out loud.

I actually think he’s handling it pretty well, even if it doesn’t clear things up for Shinae in the moment. He’s acting on Dieter’s behalf - but also on his own. And hers. Shinae needs to come to the conclusion he has and it’s not for him to tell her. Part of why it’s so easy for Shinae to let herself feel that way with Dieter is because she knows he likes her. He’s safe and comfortable. Had he never confessed would she think anything of the way he looks at her? Would she think anything of the comfort he brings her? But because she knows, it has affected her view. I don’t say that like it’s a bad thing, because we all respond to people based on how they feel about us, I think. But if Nol were to speak those words out loud, if he were to tell her “it’s because I like you!” how would it make her feel? Would it influence what she thinks about him? Surely it would!

Nol is trying to get Shinae to come to the same realization he has, and more so, he’s trying to get her to be clear about her feelings. Do you like me or not? Do you act this way with everyone? He sees the way she gets flustered, he knows the effect he’s got on her. He’s probably sure she reciprocates those feelings and hasn’t figured it out yet - but there’s still a shadow of a doubt. There’s still the fact that maybe he’s reading into it, maybe he’s seeing something that isn’t there. Maybe she’s someone who cares about him and he’s misread it because he’s so desperate to matter to someone, anyone.

Look we all know better, but we also know how doubts persist!

There’s so much ANGST but it’s SO good! It’s not angst for the sake of angst, it’s not drawing something out just to make the story last. Nol’s expressions cause me PAIN, Shinae’s make me ACHE. He feels like a guilty asshole, he wants her to go, but he can’t even look at her and say it - he looks away, his mouth set in that way holding back all the things he believes he should not say. Honestly they are so good at hurting each other ;______; it hurts ME, too!

But also, I get it. I’m with Nol here. How can he bear to look at her when he’s pushing her away again? How can he bear to look at her when it’s all his fault (according to him). He can’t even look at her when he tells her Dieter was awake the whole time. It’s such a loaded statement but unfortunately it doesn’t QUITE land because Shinae can’t quite grasp the significance.

Actually this whole part is both so funny and so unbearable to me lmao because Nol is all but saying that Dieter oversaw them having a very non-platonic moment and she’s like i don’t get it why’s that a big deal LMAOOOOOO ;____; Nol is going THROUGH it okay! She keeps insisting that it meant nothing, that it’s just friends, what’s wrong with that. And Nol can’t come out and say the truth - that it looked romantic that it felt romantic, that he meant all of it and that’s why it’s so wrong. The whole time he’s trying to get her to understand WHY that hurts Dieter and she’s just hurting him at the same time LMAO OUCH

I LOVE those panels where we can’t see their faces - where it’s Nol’s frustration and anguish that she doesn’t get it, that he’s trying, that he feels awful because of course those feelings are still there why wouldn’t they be. His frustration, the faint lines on Shinae’s face.

Maybe it’s there at the back of her mind - something faint, something distant. Maybe for a moment she understands what Nol isn’t saying, the implications of what Dieter oversaw, overheard. But if it, she doesn’t acknowledge it at all.

Nol’s hand over his face in frustration, that panel where we close in on his eye and Shinae says “You’re not intentionally trying to hurt him!” But... he is. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt Dieter - but he IS intentionally doing things that hurt him. And he still wants to! That’s the thing, that’s why he needs her to go. It’s so easy to fall into that, to act on that, to forget Dieter exists and instead indulge a little. It may not be his intention to hurt Dieter, but it’s his intention to do things that WOULD hurt him, and she doesn’t get it.

But GOD lmao the way she just starts to rub salt in the wound!!!!! “Whatever he thinks is just a misunderstanding. There’s NOTHING going on here!”

In ILY universe, nothing is always Nol. There is Nol going on here.

And look, I feel for him here, a LOT. This must be SO hard!!!! Not just the pushing her away, not just knowing he hurt Dieter, but having this whole conversation, her not getting it, her taking a moment that clearly meant SO MUCH to him and saying it meant nothing. Again, there’s so much that is LOADED when she says “We’re all friends here!” and he says that resolute “No”, his eyes hidden from us, his hands firm on the wheelchair.

Shinae misconstrues it as no, we aren’t all friends, but what Nol means is that no it’s not just friends. It’s two different people who like her a lot. It’s knowing he acted on something that hurt his friend. That moment wasn’t platonic, wasn’t just friendship - not for him. Clearly she’s unready to see it, but he knows it. No. We’re not friends here - we are people who like you so very much.

GOD, THE ANGST, THE ANGUISH. I AM SWINGING FROM THE RAFTERS I’M HOOTING.

I LOVE the moment he says he can’t take this - he can’t keep having this conversation, can’t take being shut down like this, can’t handle her downplaying a significant moment. If she wants to tell herself it was nothing but to keep reiterating it to him? Unbearable! But also I LOVE that Shinae stands her group and puts her foot down, I love her calling him out because like I get it! I understand both of them. She’s had no time to process any of this, all she knows is she wants him to stop pushing her away, she wants him to stop boxing her out, she wants him to be OPEN.

In a way, they are fighting for the same thing, but they keep obstructing each other. They want the same thing but they’re speaking in different languages. He WANTS her to see it - that it wasn’t a platonic moment, that he meant it that it matters that their fingerprints are all over it. He wants her to see what Dieter saw. She wants him to show himself, to open up, to stop hiding, to be vulnerable. They are trying SO HARD to get the same thing, but they just keep butting heads and getting in each others’ way.

AND WHEN SHE TELLS NOL THAT SHE’S NOT NOT INTERESTED IN DATING DIETER? OH MY /GOD/ lmao alkjfkjafkjafkjafkjja alfjakfjj SHRIEKS

Not ONLY has she basically downplayed this whole romantic moment, downplayed whatever is transpiring between them but she goes on to say SHE’S NOT NOT INTERESTED IN DIETER?! LMAOOOOOOOOO Again I reiterate no one is at fault here!!!!!! But lmaooooo the OUCHIES of this whole conversation! Isn’t it bad enough that she says it was nothing it doesn’t mean anything, and then she goes on to be like I mean i don’t totally NOT not like him idk..... LMAO

He’s clearly frustrated both in trying to get her to understand what he isn’t voicing, but also because he seems like such a resolute person? Or at least, he tries to be. I assume it’s kind of like... he realized he likes her and that’s it. It’s not that he thinks he might like her, it’s not that he might have some feelings. He knows he’s all in, all feelings, all eyes on her. And she appears so wishy washy - flirting with him but doesn’t acknowledge it, unintentionally stringing Dieter along and igniting that hope.

And the thing is she isn’t doing any of this maliciously. She’s tried to be clear with Dieter! It’s not her fault that he keeps getting his hopes up. She’s had no time to process her feelings for Nol, has had no experiences to compare any of this to. I love this conversation between them because it illuminates how little Shinae knows about feelings, about love, about romance. She hasn’t let anyone in in a long time, has guarded herself so tightly, and now that she has, how is she to understand the ways they affect her, what their significance means?

It’s easy to see why she keeps trying to box her feelings about Nol into a box they don’t fit. Of course she cares, of course she worries, that’s what friends do. It’s not that she cares, though - it’s why. Does she care as a friend or does she care as something else? That’s what he’s trying to get her to answer - and I think he got close. But she needs to distance herself from the night, too. She needs to dwell on those feelings - and not just the intensity of trying to hang on to him, but the other feelings, too. The butterflies, the fluttering, the fluster, the way she can’t meet his gaze, the way she starts to fluster if he looks at her for too long.

Someone said that Shinae is practically confessing to Nol and doesn’t even realize it and my god they’re right lmao. The way Shinae argues back that she knows Nol didn’t like it when she left after they danced, that she knows he was bummed, can you really throw all that away what we’ve been through, how effortless we are? lmao SHE REALLY JUST. Goes on saying it!!! AND SHE DOESN’T RECOGNIZE IT FOR WHAT IT WAS.

(I mean she did a whole damn love soliloquy in front of Minhyuk for Nol so like. It’s been an all night thing lmao)

Also it hurt when Nol admits that Dieter doesn’t have that with Shinae - not even as her friend. Even if she does not not want to date him, even if a part of her DOES like him - does it compare to what she feels about Nol? Does it compare to what he means to her? He can’t look her in the eye, and even as she tries to play it off, to say hey all friendships are different does it really matter SHE can’t meet his eye.

Consciously Shinae may not be aware of it but on some level she must know. On some subconscious level, that ghost of a thought passes by, a faint wave of shame. She doesn’t share with Dieter what she shares with Nol. It’s true that there’s something there, but it’s something she’s avoiding, something she consciously cannot face yet.

BUT LISTEN, MY GOD. NOL ASKING HER WHY SHE CARES /SCREAMS JUST SCREAMS ALJKFKJAFJKAFLJ AFJALJJAF AFJAKFJFA

He’s pushing!!!!!!!!!!!

I love that Nol is a ball of contradiction. He wants Shinae to acknowledge what he isn’t saying out loud, he wants her to realize that it means something to him, that there are feelings, that it’s not platonic, and he wants her to acknowledge so she understands why he’s pushing her away. But I think he also wants her to admit it herself. Confirm what he suspects. She fights SO hard but she can’t say why. She cares so much but she can’t elaborate.

Convince me.

LKJFKJAF LAJFKAJFA F /SCALES THE WALLS PARKOURS ACROSS ALL THE ROOFS IN THE NEIGHBORBOOD.

He knows. HE KNOWS. Convince him he’s wrong. Convince him it’s not what he thinks. Convince her that her extent of care of need her desperate desire to keep hold of him to make him show himself to her to be vulnerable with him is platonic. Convince him.

AND SHE CAN’T!!!!!!!!!

Again, she averts her gaze! Again, she flusters and blushes. Again he disarms her just by looking at her and he takes advantage of the moment to finally kick her out.

GOD WHAT AN EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANNA BARK BARK BARK WOOOOF RLKJJKJ RRRRGGHHR RRRRHGHGHG LDKJC YIP YIP YIP

IT’S SO GOOD. THE SUBTEXT, THE EXPRESSIONS, THE DANCE AROUND THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, THE ANGST, THE EMOTIONS.

And no matter which standpoint you look at it from it’s just GOOD.

Nol feels guilty, like an asshole, he has hurt his friend. But more than that - it’s how he knows he can’t be alone with her, how he knows he can’t stop himself any more from acting on what he wants. He needs to PHYSICALLY remove her because that’s how little resistance he has, because that’s how much she gets to him, how much she affects him. It’s the way it hurts to have this conversation - where if he says the words out loud it makes them real and it becomes a weight she has to carry. If he can make her reach the conclusion on her own, maybe it won’t be so bad. He won’t have to deal with the pain if she doesn’t reciprocate - if she comes to the right conclusion and keeps her distance. If he says them out loud and she has to turn him down? He can’t handle that he can’t bear it. But at the same time, every time she denies that their shared moment meant nothing, that the way he looked at her, the way he treated her (HOW HE TOUCHED HER?????) was just platonic to him???? HOW CAN HE BEAR TO ENDURE THAT CONVERSATION?!

And it’s not that it means nothing - she just needs the space and time to process it, to really play out what happened. I think, too, on some level she IS subconsciously repressing it. Isn’t it scary? Especially because Nol is a person who comes and goes, who pushes her away and then shares these intense moments and then shoves her away again. What good is it to acknowledge what he means when she can barely keep a hold on him as a friend, when she can barely make him understand his significance. Nol and Dieter both are such good friends to her, people she can rely on, people who make her feel safe. Sure Nol may not make her feel secure all the time lmao but when it’s just them, when they’re lost in that little world, for the moment, he does. It’s scary, to think of losing any of that. All the relationships she’s ever been privy to have fallen apart. There’s no photos, no memories of her family as a whole unit. She’s seen what Rand and Yui look like. She’s got no experience of her own, and now that she has friends she loves so much, she’s too afraid to lose them.

How can she begin to dissect what Nol means to her when it makes him feel more fleeting? How can she begin to understand what exists between them is romantic when she’s never really witnessed a healthy successful romance exist?

The thing that makes friends to lovers SUCH a good trope, and why I love it SO MUCH is the stakes, the risk vs the payout. What if you take that step and it all goes wrong? What if you mess it up and you lose someone who is SO important to you, someone who means so much? What if all goes wrong and you can’t put it back together and you make something beautiful all wrong by getting your fingerprints on it and chipping the corners? You start to fear even the possibility because sure it could go well - but if it goes bad you lose it ALL. Everything.

But what is life if you don’t take some risks? Can you live with that regret, if you never take a chance, if you miss out on something you wanted?

That’s the thing about Dieter, isn’t it? He knows the risks. He knows he’s playing with fire, knows he doesn’t quite have with Shinae what Nol does. But he still tries. He still lets his unwavering hope go, even if it hurts him. He can’t ever say he has any regrets because he’s given it his all. Sure, it hurt a LOT and it’s going to, until he gets over her and can find a way to move on, but at least he tried. At least he made the effort and can say that he did his best.

It’s funny that Nol and Shinae stand in that place. She’s doing her best, she’s making an effort so she can’t regret not trying - but she just can’t see the full picture, can’t acknowledge WHY she’s fighting WHY she’s pushing. But Nol is the other part of it, the understanding, but also fear. It’s not just Dieter that stops him. If she continues to deny that it means anything, if she continues to say it was nothing.... that hurts. It’s bad enough to have feelings - but for the person you like to deny them? GOD. ;A;

At this point there’s a lot of conversations that need to be had, and i think I’m looking forward to (hopefully?!) seeing Nol and Dieter talk it out. I think as much as Dieter is hurt, I can’t see him as the kind of person who would stand in the way of his friends happiness. If they make each other happy, who is he to tell Nol to back off or something? Shinae is a person with agency who can make her own choices and if she comes to a realization that she reciprocates Nol’s feelings well.... he can’t really stop her just because she doesn’t like him. He’s not an incel alkfkjafjaf lmao I don’t think it’s the kind of thing that would make him hate either of them.

I’ve said it before but Dieter loves Nol, too, so he can understand why Shinae would fall for him. And likewise, as a person who likes Shinae, I’m sure he can understand how Nol would unintentionally fall. There’s a lot that’s happened between Nol and Shinae that Dieter doesn’t know about - the things that draw them together, that make them reach out to one and other. I think he can probably get that sense - there’s just SOMETHING ELSE there that isn’t with him and Shinae.

I like to think Dieter might encourage Nol, or at the very least perhaps tell him to stop pushing people away. That one of these days he’ll push and she won’t come back and can he really live with that? While Dieter doesn’t know as much as Shinae, he at least seems to have the sense that there’s a profound depth to Nol, that there’s a lot of pain (as evidenced between him and Kousuke) and that his life hasn’t been as easy as Yeonggi made it look, so maybe he, too, will what it means for Nol to open up, to really truly fall for someone who feels the same as him. Who is he to deny their happiness, just because it makes him hurt?

On the other hand, a part of me dreads Dieter and Shinae talking because WHEW BOY we know it’s going to hurt either way it goes. Will she deny her feelings about Nol, try to continue to write them off as friendship because it scares her, because she’s so afraid of losing him that she’s willing to swallow them down, because she doesn’t want it to get in the way? Even if she did, Dieter would see through it. I think now that he’s seen it, really seen it at play, he knows he can’t keep pretending. That’s why he’s distanced himself. If she were to try to play the card that it meant nothing wouldn’t he get more upset that she’s lying? God it just feels like a painful conversation ;___; And if she’s honest with him, if she sets him straight that she should have been clearer, that she hurt him, it just makes it hurt more AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

JUST AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

All that said, I love how good of a subversion of “why does my kokoro go dokidoki”. It’s not that Shinae is naïve - it’s that she’s inexperienced and scared. It’s that she hasn’t had the time to process, it’s that she has this mix of feelings that she’s had no time to sort them out and untangle them. For so long she held people at arm’s length and now her heart is too full! And because it’s subverting that trope, I don’t think we’ll see it drawn out for a terribly long time, and she’ll put on her big girl pants and try to make it right. Right now she’s afraid to rock the boat. She’s been hurt so many times by people, she doesn’t want to be the one who hurts others, she doesn’t want to be the one who inflicts pain. But I think when she realizes the truth, she’ll realize that trying to ignore it causes more pain, drawn out. That’s what Nol is getting at. That as long as she doesn’t definitively have feelings, it only hurts. It drags out Dieter’s pain every time he thinks there’s a chance. It drags out Nol’s pain, that she can’t sort out the feelings.

I love so much that Shinae cares about peoples’ feelings - especially because in the beginning she so badly wanted to believe she doesn’t care if people think she’s a bitch. She’s so empathetic and caring! But at some point we have to realize that avoiding a problem only makes it worse. It’s so much better to be up front and get it out of the way. Dieter won’t be able to heal until the wound stops getting ripped open. He WILL be okay, he WILL get over. But it won’t happen until she makes things clear.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS SO MANY FEELINGS I HAVEN’T EVEN TALKED ABOUT NOL’S RESOLVE BUT I’M SAVING THAT FOR A SEPARATE POST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #Stalkyoo #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Nol #Dieter Becker-Wulff #Shieter #WHAT MORE CAN I SAY I AM BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS OKAY I JUST HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS I WILL BE BACK TONIGHT WITH MORE THOUGHTSSSSSSSSS #gonna keep the tags short this time because i'm just completely feral RARRLKAJRJAJRRRRrr

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trashlie · 10 months

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Continued dumb things that rattle around in my noggin at like, all times.

This is nothing new, of course; we have talked to DEATH how significant that moment of surprise is in the context of quimchee revealing that Nol likes a nice smile. But the additional context I enjoy is that we know by this stage the friendships Nol meant to be pretend were so real. We already can glean that Nol was very drawn to Shinae in a genuine way - both as a person he wanted to help but also as a friend he earnestly wanted to be friends with.

But, correct me if I'm wrong, this is the first time he sees her smile like that - at a time when she's clearly uncomfortable and miserable on the spot in front of so many people, without her comfort jacket, at an event he knows she's being forced to attend. And it's because of him.

Nol's whole thing is helping people, putting good back into the universe, trying to improve situations for other people. He's surely made Dieter and Soushi smile and laugh.

But here it feels SO loaded and significant. Shinae with her tall, dense walls. Shinae who has been so difficult to reach. Shinae whose friendship he genuinely wants, genuinely enjoys, despite how she tried to stay safe in her shell, in this uncomfortable moment laughing and smiling in such a bright radiant way.

He's a sucker for a good smile.

And he brought her that comfort.

I don't think it's necessarily an attraction thing as much as it's one of those very important bricks laid in their foundation. Nol doesn't in that moment consciously realize he likes Shinae. I think something just strikes him in that moment. That smile, that radiant joy, makes him feel something he can't identify.

THINK ABOUT IT. He's just come back from meeting Alyssa who immediately took off after Meg even though they haven't met in so long. Standing here watching Shinae endure an awkward, uncomfortable dance in front of strangers, everyone recognizes Kousuke - but not Nol. He's a stranger to his family's world, even to his girlfriend. He's just another guy in the crowd.

But there's Shinae, who sees him. The same Shinae who has taken notice of his scuffed knuckles. The same Shinae who, after the dance, immediately goes to him and asks about him.

It's no wonder he says this.

I think seeing Shinae at the formal, clearly against her will, is the moment Nol remembers what happens to people he cares about. He got invested, he sought her friendship, and even though he doesn't know why she's there, he's certain it's her proximity to him. Even before Sangchul, before the pool, Nol remembered the danger.

It's after this he gives Kousuke his word that he'll avoid Shinae, and I think that's why. He already had the intention of distancing himself. It was supposed to be fake and he knew it wasn't and that he doesn't deserve her friendship he put her in danger by showing interest. She had drawn boundaries, she didn't even really want his friendship it'd be fine.

But then he made her laugh. But then she spotted him when no one else did. Then she burst into that bright, radiant laughter because of him and he probably knew: it was too late. He screwed up and yet....

Nothing is okay everything is messed up but he puts on that mask anyway. For friendship. Because he needs to. For her comfort. So he can convince himself he can actually pull away. So he can convince himself it doesn't mean anything else.

So he can convince himself someone cares about him, that maybe something is real even if real means danger.

(But he can't and we know it and we watch it over and over. It's too late and he just can't stay away.)

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Stalkyoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP #it's feral Thursday #bhvonufojifuhyfuh7h8 #thinking about how significant this scene is makes me feel SO insane #thinking about how much this moment means what it makes him feel what it sparks inside #I feel kind of confident about the timeline of feelings at this point but I'm curious if that will ever be confirmed or denied #obviously they've been developing slowly quietly from the very very beginning #but i love how this moment gives us something concrete #honestly this entire arc and the hospital episides are just gihydz7F7YDTUX7TV8UG9IB8UFU9GH #yknow?#but i really like what we get to glean about how their relationship shifted and got altered #the role reversal and Nol's slow mental decline becoming more and more miserable and distant #and how despite it he still indulges of small pockets of comfort from Shinae #GOD SCREAMS I JUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHEWS THROUGH A PILLOW AND WHIPS IT AROUND #talking with the gang and thinking about all the doubts Nol has that anyone ever cares #that he does any good #the world would be better off without him he thinks #but in that exact moment Shinae is better off because he does #HOWLS

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trashlie · 9 months

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In Which I Demonstrate that Nol Cannot Deny Shinae; the man is down bad

(I need someone to understand HOW CLOSE I cam to titling this “I can’t deny your eyes, you know I try to read between the lines” i’m so sorry i’m so very on my pop-punk bullshit right now)

One of my favorite dynamics of Shinae and Nol as a pairing and just in general part of how they interact is that it has been shown to us time and time again that Shinae has so much more power (for lack of better word lol) over Nol than I think has been given credit for sometimes. I think often people get very caught up in how Nol’s so very torn in his battle of what he wants vs what he thinks he deserves and the hurt that he ends up causing that sometimes they miss what the true root of it is: that though Nol genuinely believes he does not deserve good things as well as he believes harm will befall all those he cares about and thus he should stay away from the people he loves to protect them - he can’t. He fails. He tries over and over, he gave Kousuke his word, he makes the effort to pull away, but in the end he always caves, he always fails.

When it comes to Shinae, his resolve crumbles.

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

It’s such an important dynamic BECAUSE Nol is such a victim of what he believes and has been made to believe it’s hard to get through to him. How do you convince someone that all the abuse that has traumatized him wasn’t true. How do you take someone like him who has been made to feel that he is nothing but a worthless mistake, that he only creates problems, that he is a monster, that he brings doom wherever he goes that it’s not so? Especially with his own father telling him these things, with Kousuke tearing him down at every opportunity, with what happened when he was locked away, with the fact that Yui can, in fact, bring harm. And has?

And yet, despite believing these things, despite internalizing that abuse to the extent that he cannot see anything else - his resolve still crumbles. Shinae has such an effect on him that I think deserves to be talked about, because she sees him when others don’t, she cares for him when others are accustomed to him caring for them, she picks up on these little things without being fully aware of them and in turn, Nol cannot help but want to stay close to pull her closer. And that’s exactly why he has to distance himself from her, from his friends - but we know the harder he struggles, the harder it becomes to maintain his resolve.

I’m a sucker for it! I love watching the war on his face, the expressions that shift, the way he tries to weasel out of situations and ultimately fail because he can’t very well tell her to her face that he can’t be close to her, that he can’t stay her friend. But because he can never draw that boundary, he keeps moving the line in the sand. It doesn’t matter; he always fails in the end.

This dynamic begins really early in! Shinae I think we could argue some other earlier moments also quality, but for this I want to specifically focus on post-formal moments, because I think what I love especially about this dynamic is that Nol has given Kousuke his word, has determined that he put Shinae in danger by taking interest in her and engaging in an indulgent friendship, and that for the sake of protecting her from further harm (and also due to his feelings of guilt) he needs to keep his distance and ease out of his friendship with her.

But post-formal it’s not so easy. Shinae has gone from trying to fend him off to a stick to openly expressing concern for him. She now takes a leaf out his book and reaches out to him - over and over and over.

It would be easy to not call her back. Catch up later and casually brush her off that he had a big family thing, that he fell asleep early. And yet, in the end, he fails and he winds up returning her call. Even though it’s a call for her reassurance, it’s just as much a call for him, taking in her concern for him, that little admission that maybe he is the villain like they think. He has a way of slipping up with Shinae, always confessing something real. She disarms him as much as she pulls him in and GOD I cannot help but adore this dynamic!

Another thing that goes hand in hand with this dynamic is that not only does Nol struggle to maintain that distance and create a berth of space between them, but he also continues to struggle to not go above and beyond for her. Shinae isn’t good at accepting favors or letting people do things for them, and I think if she knew that he completely took the blame for her tardiness in addition to going out of his way to go pick her up, she probably would get pretty annoyed. But as it stands, he does exactly that - not only takes the blame, but goes out of his way to pick her up.

It’s something about his expression after their call, when he looks like he’s torn on what to do, or perhaps torn on what is the best option? Torn on knowing that part of him has already made up his mind he’ll go to her even though he’s trying to convince himself he shouldn’t? He struggles with her at all times and ultimately she always has that effect on him - he just is unable to make himself resist, to NOT go to her, to NOT help her.

(It’s like when he gets mad at how Kousuke is treating her as an employee and calls him out on it! It’s things he doesn’t need to do, but it’s the fact that he can’t help it that betrays how much he cares, how much she affects him, how much he is unable to just walk away.)

Nol definitely seems aware of this, too. The moment he gives her the opportunity, he won’t be able to push that distance, so he tries to take advantage in the moments he can. Finding Shinae in the locker room leaves him the opportunity to sneak out, but unfortunately for him she takes notice of him and stops him in his tracks. Part of it is, of course, what he told Kousuke - that he can’t just suddenly cut her off without explaining why, and it’s difficult to ease things when she’s the one who keeps reaching out now, keeps grabbing on to him.

But again, we see that his undoing is that he cares. He’s never seen her like this and she’s willing to actually open up and talk about what’s bothering him? It’s so unlike her! (I love him telling her she has to use words because he can’t help her otherwise lol)

But what this moment demonstrates is, again, just one of my favorite parts - even when he TRIES to distance himself - he angles himself away from her, body turned away - he always ends up angled right back in. Nol and Shinae have this magnetic draw with each other and even when he makes the effort to turn away from her, he can’t help but be drawn back in, angle right back in to her. It’s something really fun to take note of when you reread, watching the way they just veer in towards each other, drift towards each other.

I’m sure he isn’t aware of it. She sure doesn’t seem to be! It’s just gravitational. Where she is, he will move towards. Where he is, she will drift towards. Their body language conveys that closeness!

For MANY reasons, the moment they share after work, before Shinae starts her shift at the Wac is one of my FAVORITES. I always feel like it’s the clearest representation of this dynamic, too, of how Nol tries to point himself away, tries to push that distance, but he can’t and he even admits why! Nothing will stop him from caring - she has just wormed her way into his life, wormed her way into his heart. He cares about what happens to her, how she’s treated, how she’s doing, how she’s feeling. He cares and he can’t just stop being her friend! He cares and he can’t just pretend he doesn’t.

It must take a lot of effort for him to consciously be aware of this - having to be conscious about turning away from her, of creating that space that’s so hard maintain.

None of it was supposed to be real to matter and yet here he is, helpless against her, unable to stop himself from caring.

To Nol’s credit, we do see him trying to make more effort - but also to his credit, the harder he tries to pull away, the harder Shinae fights. It’s funny and kind of ironic, because he’s one of the reasons she’s trying so hard. He’s the one who has helped her see value in herself and to open up and rely on others, and as a result, she’s practicing all of her new friend skills on him. How is he supposed to keep pushing her away when she’s literally calling him out (because she now knows him well enough to do that!) AND she’s making him talk through things.

Shinae doesn’t want another Alyssa repeat and she’s not going to let Nol get away with just pulling away without an explanation. What else can he do?

I like that’s really surprised he actually stayed - he could have faked a call from Nana that he had to head home, could have found some other excuse. But she demanded he would wait and he gave her his word.

I love them ;A;

Time and time again, she disarms him. Time and time again his resolve is put to the test and fails when it concerns his feelings, how much he cares, what kind of significance she has to him. Shinae saying out loud that their friendship must not have meant anything being the trigger that makes him finally act on what he always denies himself - a hand reaching out to her over and over that never makes contact, that he always talks himself out of finally making contact and pulling her into that tight, clinging embrace. On the one hand, we know it began as fake, that it wasn’t supposed to mean anything and certainly not to him.

But we know it was so real. We know that there was a moment where he went from trying to help Dieter, to trying to help her instead, to befriending her for his own enjoyment. It was all so very real, even if it hurts in the end. It was all so real to him and even if he needs her to be angry at him, even if he (thinks he) needs to walk away and leave all of this behind, he still can’t bear to have her think none of it meant anything, none of it was real, none of it mattered when it mattered so much to him. When it mattered so much that he finally embraced her!!!!!!!

EVEN IN THIS MOMENT! HIS RESOLVE CRUMBLES. And though he’s able to pull himself together enough to do what he set out to do, let’s not forget that it was only because he was reminded her of injury, of what he believes was the culmination of him befriending someone and pulling them into the nightmare wake he leaves where he goes. It was only because he was reminded that she could have been another life taken from him that he was able to walk away.

(And yknow. Proceeded to retch as a result. alfjakfjkafjkafjk)

He goes as far as blocking Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi, because he knows he’ll cave. Because he can’t bear to see their messages, to ignore their calls, to see how much they are trying how hard they are fighting and reaching out, because just like when Shinae questioned if any of it was real, he knows he’ll cave. He has to implement a means of denying himself access to them, to nearly physically block them out.

And yet, in that moment, at a party he doesn’t want to be at on a day he doesn’t want to exist on the eve of him serving time for a crime he doesn’t deserve, he goes and looks at his spam.

He knows what’s in there waiting for him. He knows what he’s going to see.

He still does it, anyway.

And there she is, a message received just now about feelings he feels but thinks he isn’t allowed that he shouldn’t have.

I love this pathetic man, please I need more.

He tries SO hard, even after hearing Shinae’s unprompted love soliloquy heartfelt sentimental explanation of what Nol means to her, to turn his back, but he can’t.

His mother’s words are right there, and though they aimed for Rand, they come to land with him. The world can’t punish you forever. Does he not deserve their love, their friendship, the people who matter to him? Does he not deserve to be left alone by the world, to live his life as much as anyone else?

Even when everything he fears lingers over him - he’ll regret this because nothing good comes of indulging, because nothing good comes from letting them in because not only does it put them in danger but it makes it harder and harder for him.

Like, not to be cheesy but we already know I am so - every time he lets them down, every time he breaks their hearts, he breaks his own, too.

There’s no more fighting it. There’s only them and an empty hospital room, and a rare of sense of peace and calm, his head on her shoulder, finding comforting (literally) leaning on someone for once. For one moment, he grants himself an opportunity to stop trying to be so strong, to give in to seeking comfort.

When she reassures him he’s not at Hirahara Memorial and he actually turns his face in towards the crook of her neck? Allowing himself to indulge in this peace in this comfort in this warmth?

GODDDDDDDD I love it he deserves it I want MORE

And just like that, he’s no longer fighting. I’m including these even though it’s not really a “Nol tried to refrain and failed in the end” because a. we deserve them and b. I think by virtue of Nol acting on his desires and indulging in what he wants while Soushi and Dieter are sleeping in the bed on the other side of them counts enough for this list. Because refraining is no longer on the brain. Because everything Shinae does disarms him and he can’t even pretend to keep the wall up anymore.

Shinae gets so embarrassed about giving him her gift because she feels like it pales compared to what Dieter did, but probably also because there is a sense of sentimentality to it as well, and it doesn’t miss Nol. It’s the fact that it’s their Orange of Fate, what she drew on his face, and the words she uttered when they first met that have now been taken back.

It’s how he went from being told all people suck that she wants no friendship to chasing him outside of his school and fighting so hard for him, calling and texting and trying to reach him, it’s how she took advantage of the opportunity when it presented itself to tell him how she feels and what he means and she got so shy about him seeing this gift and it strikes him so much because he knows what he means to her and she means it, too, she’s that special to him, too

And the hand that earlier in the night reached for the spot she denied him does it once again and this time his fingers are in her hair, this time he’s so close in her space, this time he doesn’t deny himself what he wants and what he wants is to be so close to her, what he wants is to stay in this dream as long as he possibly can

And the most indulgent of them all.

Let’s not pretend this is not for him. Let’s not pretend this is the most indulgently he’s ever acted on what he wants. Shinae outrules fullbody dancing and he’s like oh bet? lmaoooooo

He wants the dance. He wanted it back in Minhyuk’s room before Kousuke showed up and everything went to hell. He wants it now and he’s acting on it. There’s no reason - present in his mind lol - for him to refuse what he wants.

He has refrained SO MUCH. He has refrained for SO LONG. So many times he reached out to her. The dance offer at the Kim formal that Kousuke stared him down into rejecting. Every time he’s felt suffocated by the weight of the world, by the burden of the guilt he carries, by the inherent belief that he’s a monster incapable of providing good, every time he’s been reminded he only brings people pain, every little moment that reminds him he doesn’t deserve any of the things he seeks out, the enjoyment he indulges in. So much of it has weighed him down and in that moment he acts on it

on what he wants

on what he needs

on what he feels

He acts on the feelings that she is special that she brings him comfort that he wants and wants when she’s in his proximity

He acts on the dream from which he’s afraid to wake and he asks her to dance with him

Despite his back injury. Despite the whole night reminding him that pain follows him wherever he goes. Despite their friends sleeping just a bed over.

He gives in and he indulges.

Honorable mention goes to Nol staying outside Shinae’s door at Hirahara Memorial, despite this being a place of trauma and fear for him, despite how much he hates hospitals, despite Kousuke sending him away. It gets honorable mention because I acknowledge part of what compels him to stay outside her door is that he feels so guilty and he needs to see/know for himself that she’s okay - but I think it still counts because of just how compelling it is for him. That this is a person he has grown to care about so much already, a person who we now know he literally is alive for/because, since it was only when he saw her in the pool that he determined he couldn’t stay down there and had to return to the surface to save her, to carry on as Yeonggi for a little longer.

He stays outside her hospital room because he can’t help it.

He could go home, he could change out of his damp clothes, he could crawl into bed and try to forget this whole nightmare of a night, if only for a few hours, but instead he stays outside her room, unable to leave.

At every opportunity, Nol is so compelled by Shinae.

He cannot deny her.

If Shinae wants it, he will ultimately yield it to her like he has his heart.

I’m being good and not including anything from 231 but JUST YOU WAIT FOR THE FOLLOW UP, especially those of you who don’t fast pass. JUST YOU WAIT.

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Stalkyoo #Aegi #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #I would howl in the tags but I've already done my howling throughout this post lmao #this is my FAVORITE Stalkyoo dynamic #i love how Shinae disarms him and he admits little bits of truth #i love how she gets to him in a way no one else has simply by SEEING him #simply by caring about him #because no one else does it like her and when she does it just pierces him #how can he help but want more #how can he help but indulge #how can he help but fall for this person he can never truly turn away from #this person to who he's always drawn #he tries to turn away to face away and next thing he knows his whole body is angled towards her occupying the same space #the way he physically NEEDS to be near her and doesn't always clock it LMAO #WHEN HE PUT HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR LIKE THAT AFLKJAFAFJLAFJAKLAFKAFJALJAFKJAF #AFLJAFLKJAFLKJFKLJLFAF #AFLJAFLKAJFKAFJAF #I HAVEN'T RECOVERED OKAY #i love him i love them #i love that he cannot deny her he cannot resist her #he has seen the forest for the trees and god they are so majestic god they are so beautiful and fantastical #HOWLS

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trashlie · 10 months

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Shinae has been an interesting grounding rod for Nol from REALLY early on. Like, doing a reread right now, it's really clear that Nol and Shinae had a connection really early in. They respond to each other with a lot of earnestness - that ecfortlessness that makes it easy for them to really get along. I think Nol really was eager about their friendship. He came on strong because at this point, all of the make believe had become real. It was no longer solely for their benefit, he was benefiting and enjoying. And somehow in that, Shinae and their very real friendship became this grounding rod.

These are only the moments that she manages to pull him from moments of panic, but we've seen the effects she has on him in other places, too - the chicken nuggie hand holding, putting his ear bud back in his ear - moments where for a moment she provides him comfort and reassurance. Seeing the really early moment after the arcade, when seeing Yui put Nol on edge and made him panic and swat Kousuke away be a time where Shinae just being there pulled him down from it was just !!!!!!!!! No wonder Kousuke was so interested in them and using Shinae to manipulate Nol. He could see plain as day her effect on him was wholly unusual for him. That she could assuage his mood.

God!

From the very, very beginning, Shinae had a big effect on Nol. Like, from the very beginning, they have been responding to this effortless, natural relationship between each other and it's really interesting to look back at this after what's been happening in this arc. Nol thought he was doing it to help Shinae, to maybe benefit Dieter, but in the end she ended up meaning something to him, too. I love seeing it in retrospect, because there were so many times I looked for double meanings in certain interactions and now it's clear that it was just... them. Them and their chemistry and their energy that made them so interesting to each other and how simply existing in proximity of each other made them care against their better wishes AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Stalkyoo #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #I'm gonna make lots of these posts soon lmao just little things I've screenshot #things I've talked about and want to elaborate on #things I've thought about and want to yell about #things I'm just picking up #new interpretations or things i gaslighted myself out of because 'it can't have to do with feelings'#spoiler alert: the feelings have been there all along

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trashlie · 10 months

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ILY FP 232

Better known as: trashlie is STILL climbing the wallls and TAKING YOU WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look idk what I can get away saying in these intros without being spoilery anymore because by the time I sit down to write this I’m just VIBRATING AWAY on pure energy. You know when you feel words at your fingertips but you are too consumed by other menial tasks you’ve no interest in doing so you gotta bide your time and it just grows and grows and grows until it bursts out of you howling?

Yeh.......

Let’s jump right in!!!!!!!!!!

I’m gonna be real with you guys - it’s gonna take a LOT for me to not to do rambling long repeats of things I said last week. I’m gonna do my best but... 232 is very much a continuation of 231 so it is what it is!

Leading up to the episode my friends and I were talking and the general consensus was we hoped Shinae would try knocking down Nol’s door but alkjjjkafjkafkj DIDN’T EXPECT SHE WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO TRY TO BULLDOZE THE DOOR ON HER OWN AND START SHOUTING AT HIM THROUGH THE DOOR LMAO but listen Shinae so very PERSISTENT!!!!! She’s so over being thrown out, SO over being shut out, and it’s all right there in front of her but she just CANNOT see it for what it is, cannot understand what is compelling her besides that she cares.

And boy does she care.

Her frustration is, as I said last week, completely justified, of course, but in this case, they’re both justified and that really does her no favors, does it? Yelling and banging on his door, trying any tactic she can to get him to open up, to rethink his decision to cast her out. He has basically told her “come back when you figure it out” but she doesn’t know what “it” is or what else could be there, so she can only feel like he’s shutting her out once again, refusing to open up to her after just reconciling.

At the core of Shinae’s frustration and persistence is fear. She’s so afraid of losing him again, terrified of yet another important person letting go and turning their back to her.

And as much as I feel for Shinae, I also can’t help but feel for Nol who is on the other side of the door, unable to make himself walk away from it, arms pinned at his side against the door as though he doesn’t trust them to not reach for the door handle, doesn’t trust himself to maintain the boundary. He’s kicked her out - but barely. He can’t leave the side of that door while Shinae stands right outside of it, banging away. GOD I enjoy the agony of it, I NEED MORE. Shinae’s threats are so comical but she’s literally grasping at straws and he knows it. The same Nol who broke that day in the rain is barely holding it together, knowing that once again he is causing her pain.

As readers we know that once she figures it out, she’ll understand. As soon as Shinae understands what Nol is trying to get her to see, she’ll know exactly why he had to draw that boundary and keep the space, but in this moment she doesn’t know any of this, and it is just so agonizing!

Just as she’s been confessing all day long, she continues to tell him all the things she can’t see for what they are - how much she hates when he shuts her out, how she can’t understand why they’re back here when they just go out of this and GOD i love it because you can FEEL how much she cares. Even if she doesn’t know what the feeling is, even if she can’t call it what it is, she cares so much! And you can see how much it hurts him! How difficult it is to stand there and let her think he’s casting her to the streets again, to have her fight so passionately for him for them when he understands now what kind of hurt he’s inflicted (and continues to inflict!!!!!!!) GOD

Nol understands so well his resistance - his resolve - and knows he has to keep that physical barrier between them. Even before he could barely look at her when he did, when she flustered under his gaze and command, he threw her out before he could crumble all the way and there’s something about seeing it illustrated this way, showing us rather than telling, how hard this is for him. I’m sure his thought is that once Shinae figures it out - once she knows her feelings, once she can understand his feelings, once she can see what Dieter saw that hurt him so much, she’ll be the one to draw the boundary he struggles so hard with. That once he’s not the only one who knows, she can stop pushing him, can stop breaking him down, can act on the effort he can barely muster.

I love that panel of Shinae banging on the door while he stands on the other side, face screwed up in frustration and agony. It’s so difficult, it’s SO HARD. She’s going on about being shut out, about how “ a misunderstanding” has come between them. She’s so scared their relationship doesn’t mean to him what it means to her, so scared that he’s content to throw it all away, so scared that she will lose him once and for all - and he has to stand and bear it, knowing he’s causing her to feel these things, knowing there’s no easy way out.

UUUUUUUUUUGGGHHH SCREAMS

It’s the sheer irony! That the thing he wants her to comprehend is the VERY THING she’s yelling at him about, it’s the very thing compelling her.

Well. That and her sleep deprivation LMAO

I never shut up about noticing when characters have their eyes closed, but it’s such an important part of quimchee’s subtle storytelling. Note how Nol’s face is still screwed up in frustration when he tells her to go away, followed by telling her she’s so damn annoying.

I’ve already seen that there are people reading that at face value but over here round these parts, we know better. Nol’s eyes closed as he tells her to go away, while he stands with his door still pressed against the door.

He so easily could have walked away, gone back to his bed across the room. Instead he stands there, torturing himself as he listens to her yell at him from the other side of the door. Nol tells her to go away because he needs her to go away, for his peace of mind, for his crumbling resolve, but on some level, of course he doesn’t want her to. Of course sending her away, pushing her away, walking away from her is difficult, is something he forces himself to do, that is so incredibly difficult for him.

Let’s not forget him at the curb retching after hurting Shinae in all the worst ways and then walking away and leaving her in the freezing rain.

Quimchee literally doesn’t need to spell it out because it’s all right there for us to see. It’s in his closed eyes, in his back against the door he can’t pull himself away from, in his frustration, in his crumbling resolve, in his sheer agony.

Let’s also not forget how this all started. It wasn’t even initially about Dieter - it was about Nol hiding himself away, about him refusing to show the parts of him that she really wants to see, about how it hurts her that he can’t open up. At the heart of this lmao it’s literally about how Shinae just wants to LOVE him and he wants her to understand tHAT SHE DOES.

SCREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love this episode it’s so good it’s got me chewing through my freaking keyboard trying to write this AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LKAJFKJFAKJAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJ

But, of course, the important take away is that Shinae cannot see the forest for the trees. She’s so caught up in her own intense feelings, lost in her fear and what she wants so badly and she only knows how to fight. Shinae is a bit of a short fuse but it’s even worse because of the harrowing 24 hours she’s been through. To think so many episodes ago she was moving back in to her home with Simhan! It feels so far away after everything that’s transpired! She hasn’t slept, we know she hasn’t really eaten in hours, she’s already in a foul mood after how her dance with Nol soured and how upset she got about what he hides from her. There’s now way for her to be rational - trying to literally kick in his door lmao - or think things through because her despair and frustration is so all-consuming it just clouds her judgement.

There’s something so funny about how Nana takes her away and suddenly settled down, Shinae just goes full sulking lmao. I love how impetuously teenager it is, too, for Nana to tell Shinae that she does, in fact, need to leave, that is isn’t actually the big deal she thinks it is but Shinae is like blah blah OLD PEOPLE WISDOM IS NOT NEEDED HERE alkjfakfjkafjfa lmao

It must be so funny to Nana, that this little spitfire girl is fighting like hell for him, fighting so hard to not be cast out, and can’t understand WHY she’s fighting, what any of it means lmao like aflkjafjkafjkafj

Of course Nana knows. Anyone would be able to tell! From how awkward they were around each other in the room, how sulky Nol was fiddling with her headband (AND THE BLUSHING), the whole argument they’ve had about Dieter - who Nana knows!!!!!!!! Had a crush on her!!!!!!!! Of course she with her decades of life can see exactly what Shinae is fighting.

Taking her away from Nol is important. I LOVE this exchange they have: Nana: You’d need the right key to get that door open. Shinae: And? A key isn’t necessary when you use enough force! Nana: But you could damage the door. And nobody likes an intruder. Breaking doors could get yourself kicked out and never be able to come back. Both literally and figuratively. You wouldn’t want that now would ya?

I’m sure Nana must speak from some kind of experience. Thinking about how she took him in when he left the psychiatric ward where it seems like he was traumatized, from where he still carries so many unhealed wounds and scars, after losing his mother and being left all alone in a foreign country with no family, made to believe he’s some kind of monster like the loss of his mom was his fault, that he deserved everything that came to him. The special name his mom had given him had been worn down and destroyed, tainted and made to mean nothing. He comes home and he doesn’t even go back to his father, to their family, but someone he’s told is his grandma. How can he trust her? His own father doesn’t want him, he’s been sent to live with some stranger, away from his father’s family. An outcast, an outsider, all alone.

She probably tried so hard to get through to him. How do you reach someone like him? How do you get through to someone who keeps everyone at arms’ length, who is so full of fear and self-loathing, who has been made to feel so insignificant, so worthless, a mistake, a monster. We still don’t even know just how bad it was locked inside there. His fear of Yui, his aversion to medication and hospitals, how much he detests tea, his touch aversion. How much of what he believes about himself - that he caused his mother’s death, that he deserves all the bad, that he will only bring harm to those he loves, that his existence is a mistake - came from there? GOD it hurts lmao lajfjkfjkafjk LIKE just writing this makes me want to howl. This is such a foundational aspect of who Nol is. He’s not just some melodramatic teenager (which even isn’t a bad thing) but he has spent a significant portion of his memorable life in survival mood, just fighting to stay afloat, fighting all of the demons who hold him down.

Nana loves him so much, that much is so clear. And she knows him so well. She knows what he needs is time, she knows how stubborn and obstinate he is, and she probably knows all too well how he shuts others out and how, much like quicksand, the harder you fight and struggle, the worse it will be. Her line about breaking doors can get you kicked out is so loaded. Did she try to break his doors, too? Did she try so hard to reach someone who wanted to be so unreachable and found herself on the other side of a door, too? aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Just thinking about he was just this scared kid so alone and she believes her daughter took her own life and she didn’t see it coming, didn’t imagine her the person who would do it and it reminded her that you never really know, do you? He was this kid so closed off, so alone, who hid so much, and we’ve seen her reach out to him over and over, encourage him to spend time with people who care about him. I’m sure a part of her worries, fears, that maybe he’d go the same path as his mom. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how he told Dieter he “tried to visit his mom”. That HAUNTS me and I bet it’s something that haunts her, too.

(Alternatively, if he came out with his Yeonggi mask, ready to fake his way through, ready to force a smile a joke a laugh to pretend everything is fine when under the surface she can see it’s not. Remembering how he met Dieter, I think the Yeonggi persona was a thing that grew the more he tried it on, but whether or not she met him as this scared lonely kid or this kid with a fake mask on, we just know she’s been THROUGH it trying to reach him with everything she’s got ;____________;)

Getting to see so much into their relationship makes me feel SO FUCKING FERAL. Knowing that yes, Nol DID talk about Shinae to her, that contrary to what we’ve seen through much of this series, Nol didn’t always close himself away in his room locked up with his thoughts and self-loathing. That he would go home and talk to Nana about people who piqued his interest, tell her about his hare-brained attempts to befriend them, about the struggles he faced in getting through to them. Did she see the fond irony - that someone who once was so hard for her to reach to get through found someone who was just as difficult to get through to and one day he went from talking about how difficult she was to talking about her as his friend? GOD it gets to meeeeeeeeeee. She must’ve seen the shift, too - when she went from being the subject of his attempt to help out Dieter to being his friend, to mattering to him.

I’M IN AGONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I wish we could see a little bit of that, of the Nol he was so briefly before he had to put the walls back up, before the self-loathing fully consumed him again, before all the tendrils of shadow wrapped themselves around him and began to drag him back out of the light again. But fortunately what we DO get comes close. That moment earlier when he told Nana about how he’d already seen his friends, how they all came to celebrate his birthday can you believe it? GOD MY HEART ACHES.

I suspect we’ll probably be seeing more of them because clearly someone needs to talk with him - someone rational and removed from the situation, someone who can try to make him see that he cannot help his feelings, that he cannot control all situations, and is any of this really your fault? Is it his fault at all that Shinae didn’t like Dieter enough that way, that it didn’t happen over time? Is it his fault if she instead saw something in him that she flocked to, if there existed something between them that she wants to fight so hard for? AAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Both Nol and Shinae are so stubborn so OBSTINATE and they’re both STRUGGLING so of course it was wise of Nana to take Shinae away, even if she had to trick her lmao. Shinae at Nol’s door only makes it worse, could, as she said, push him to lock her out for real. Nana knows that Shinae hasn’t been cast out, she knows what the problem is, but of course why would Shinae believe her? lol It’s that obstinate teenager thing that makes me laugh so much now that I’m well passed that stage - so certain that no one could possibly understand what you’re feeling, that they couldn’t possibly understand what is wrong lmao

Honestly, Nana and Shinae are nothing like I expected them to be, and I really love that. Nana barely even knows her, but she does know how to poke and wheedle her. Everything feels so poised to help Shinae zero in on the reason behind her frustration.

I really love that she revealed to Shinae that Nol has told her about her, that she has, from the sidelines through a biased lens, watched their relationship grow - and as a result, saw the effect she had on him, what their friendship did t and for him. Even though Nol has told Shinae she’s special, because he’s so hot and cold, because he doesn’t open up, because she doesn’t get to see him, it’s hard for her to really internalize that it’s true. How can it be when he’s so willing to throw away all of this, right? So for Nana to reveal that she knows all about how closed off Shinae used to be but that changed didn’t it is such a MOMENT for her. She doesn’t look like she can believe it - Nol talked about her? About how she fought him and ran away?

More importantly, Nana is trying to give Shinae a little nudge that she can’t yet see. She tells Shinae she’s not trying to make her feel bad about turning down Dieter, but to lay out their foundation: that originally Nol was trying to play Cupid, but the arrows got all messed up. I think it’s one of those things that while right now Shinae thinks it’s just people trying to make her feel guilty, soon she’ll see for what it was - the problem lies in their foundation, the reason Dieter is hurt is because of the way it all went wrong. Soon, Shinae is going to be holding her head in her hands yelling about how did she not see it how was she so blind THAT’S what they meant this is what they all meant?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I find it really cute that Nana is using the same technique as Nol, trying to get Shinae to think about her feelings. Why do you feel terrible? What did you actually do wrong? How does it make you feel bad? And then LMAO baiting Shinae with a hint about the problem in an disguised effort to kick her out LMAOOOOOOO to be fair, she DOES give Shinae the hint, just..... not the way she wants LMAO

The way Nana gets Shinae reminiscing, thinking back on how their friendship began, how they ended up at this point, just what is so significant about those oranges - the things Shinae doesn’t say about how they symbolize the change from him being this annoying guy that she wanted nothing to do with to this person she CANNOT let go of that she CANNOT lose GOD. That’s SO good. She talks about how she’s so bad at talking about her feelings and opening up and that she’s trying to be better at it - but she also cannot stop talking about Nol lmao

She’s moody about all the things she doesn’t know about him yet. What his real name is, why she’s not allowed to use, how Nana gets to do it why can’t she? Does he hate his name, where did the Yeonggi moniker come from?

“I wanna know where he got it from... There’s so many things I wanna know about him...”

I JUST WANNA GRAB HER BY THE SHOULDERS AND RATTLE HER AROUND lajkfkfjfkafkjafj I love it, okay? it’s one of those tell tale signs - when you grow interested in a person, when you start to like them and you have that insatiable hunger to know them so intimately to know every detail about them you want to know everything about them you want to discover them from inside out. And for her it’s doubly worse since he DOESN’T show her what she wants to see. She’s out here craving to understand him so intimately and can’t understand why he can’t show her that. Why can’t he be vulnerable why can’t he open up?

She is SO HEAD OVER HEELS she is soooooooo full of feelings she wants to know everything he’s hidden GOD!!!!!!!!

HOW ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO DON’T SEE IT? HOW ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET ANY OF THIS?!

She THINKS there’s nothing going on between them but she’s sulking to his grandma, she’s upset because he won’t show her himself because she wanted to see his face because they shared this intimate tender moment because it was such a SOFT warm HAPPY moment for her and they couldn’t share it because they weren’t on the same level

She is MOPING she really thinks he’s casting her out and she’s terrified of losing all of that.

Shinae over here saying that of course all her relationships with her friends are going to be different but she can’t see why this one, in particular, is so dire, doesn’t understand what the everything she thinks he’s throwing away signifies.

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really look forward to learning more about Yeonggi, because I’ve been really curious about that, too. Was it a name he’d just picked out, what was the significance? I look forward to Nol telling her about it, too; Nana has told her all she knows and anyway it’s better to let Nol do it. It’s better for Nol to know all of this, to hear all the things Shinae wants to know, how she’s so insatiably hungry to know everything about him, how she just wants to know him - everything there is to him the good the ugly the things he hasn’t shown anyone else ;A; aaaahhhhhhhhhh

Nana is really the PERFECT character to REALLY bring in for this arc. She goes head to head with Shinae lmao and dances circles around her. The whole distracting her as she evacuates her from the building while getting her to dwell on her feelings? PERFECTLY executed. Telling her the hint she’s looking for is that SHE is one of the problems LMAO aklfkafkjafjfjf What’s she supposed to do with that information?!

Of course, like I said earlier, like Nana is telling her, some down time WILL do wonders. Right now her head is so full of intensity, but when she steps away, when she’s mulling and dwelling and sleeps and assuages her crankiness when her brain can go back to functioning well, THEN she’ll be able to think about it, THEN she’ll be able to figure out what the key is. But right now she’s just making things worse - for him, for herself, and for their problem.

Sleep deprivation really messes with you lol especially when she’s spent the most harrowing night of her life. Can you believe that this probably beats out THE KIM FORMAL because this time she NEARLY WATCHED HER BEST FRIEND DIE OUT IN FRONT OF HER?! Christ!!!!!!!!!

And besides Shinae, Nana, and Nol, this episode feels like it’s nudging a couple other things. The pointed emphasis on the hospital departments and floor board feels like a nod that Hansuke will be bringing Kousuke here for his CT scan. On the one hand, I’m really excited to see more about Kousuke and what Hansuke is thinking. I’m no doctor but I assume a CT scan might be able to indicate some kind of drugging just because how it would affect the brain, right? A brain on a particular medication would look a certain way? Forgive me, science was never my strong suit and I don’t know the difference between a CT and other scans lmao but I imagine if it’s the kind of imaging that can indicate neurons firing and active parts of the brain, maybe it would tell them enough that they should try more labwork? Especially now that Hansuke knows about the hormone imbalance and has picked up on Kousuke’s fixation with tea and it being one of the only things he can remember (that he’s admitted).

But on the other hand..... Nol has SO much going on, is he ready to face Kousuke again? Like, don’t get me wrong, I want to see more of them, especially knowing how worried Kousuke is about him, that he hasn’t forgotten what happened last night or that he caused it. But with everything Nol is dealing with - the aftermath of it all, feeling like an asshole for hurting Dieter, Shinae, all of this, is he ready to see Kousuke again? I guess part of me worries that Kousuke is... yknow. More fragile and that if he fights with Nol, it might affect the progress he made? Or maybe now that they had that er... “heart to heart” now that he confessed those sins his fears he would be able to hear Nol out without deflecting?

I just know if Kousuke ends up at the same hospital and he spots anyone from Nol’s circle he’ll try to find him lol he IS worried (and worried for HIM not based on Rand or punishment or any of that). He’s got no idea how Nol is, where he is, what happened, how bad it is. GOD. HARROWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is going to be SO HAUNTED by this night.

The other matter is, of course, the custodian taking out the trash when Nana tells them they should go somewhere private, she doesn’t want “him” eavesdropping on the conversation. Initially I’d assumed this is because ultimately she is trying to get Shinae the heck out of there and it’s her excuse to get him out, but it could easily have been written “So no one can eavesdrop” right?

The theory is that this is one of the people that Yui probably pays to act as a spy for her so that she can keep track of people and always knows what they’re doing, so she can always be two steps ahead. The only thing that really gives me pause regarding this, though, is that she has no idea where Nol is (yet). She has no idea where Rand took him, and I can’t imagine she employs people in hospitals all over the city should anyone report anything suspicious to her. So how would this be one of her spies?

I’m not saying it’s not possible at all because he WAS very emphasized, but it just leaves me wondering if Yui doesn’t know where they are, how could that be a spy, right? But look, sometimes the narrative pulls a fast one on us. We can’t see what she’s up to at all times, now can we?

All in all, I really loved this episode and I’ve been loving this arc SO MUCH. All of this everything since the Christmas party has been SO GOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!! Seeing all of those plot lines really converge and the stakes go higher has made every episode a treat to read, but I love that in the midst of this, Shinae and Nol have this very big, important thing to clear up. Over the course 230 episodes we’ve been watching these two grow so important to each other and honestly, I love watching Shinae fight for him like this, even if lmao she’s going at it all the wrong way. For someone like Nol who is so used to being invisible, to have her putting up such a fight, confirming whatever feelings he can’t be sure if she actually feels, would be such a welcome thing - except for the reminder that Dieter has been hurt in the cross-fires. I really want to see Nana have a talk with him and maybe TRY to get him to see it, that you cannot control feelings, that acting on them isn’t bad. That Dieter WILL come around, that he isn’t really much of a friend if he puts his own wants and happiness above Nol’s.

But of course, Nana alone won’t do. Nol REALLY needs to talk to Dieter, too. But unlike Shinae, Dieter seems to know he needs to be alone for a little while. He’s got to sort out his own feeling and untangle that hurt. Thinking about things from his perspective IS painful - Yeonggi cut them out, he blocked their numbers, he refused to see them, and then suddenly he shows back up after asking to be left alone, he almost DIES in front of them, and Dieter wakes up to witness Nol and Shinae having this moment.

He’s got a lot of things to sort out, too, he needs sleep and room to think.

I’m really interested to see how all of it plays out. For Dieter’s sake, I hope there’s some kind of explanation because unlike Shinae, he and Soushi are still in the dark. Why did Nol leave and come back? Why did he box them out? He showed so much affection when he hugged them and told them he loves them so I’m sure they know that he has his reasons but still, people have limits. They deserve to know what Shinae does. I she willing to have that talk, though?

aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I imagine we’ll probably be veering back to Kousuke here shortly, if not the next espisode. I imagine Shinae may get picked up before that.... ? Maybe? It feels like we were JUST with Kousuke, but I don’t think we’ll be revisiting Yui JUST yet. Maybe we’ll see Shinae get home, let her thoughts pull her to sleep, and then go visit Kousuke and Hanske? IDK god knows I can never predict what’s coming next but no matter which direction we go, we don’t go wrong!

It’s so funny that the fabled Minhyuk party was something that I thought would happen and then we’d slide slowly into a timelapse taking us through the first time jump to graduation and stuff but SURPRISE: NOL ALMOST DIED, KOUSUKE IS UNDERGOING HELL, NOL’S FREEDOM HAS BEEN EXTENDED, CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP!!!!!!!!! We have literal DAYS left until Nol goes away, and then do we even immediately go into our timelapse timeskip?! Quimchee talked so much about how she didn’t want to have to draw snow, so at least so much of this takes place indoors but LMAO it’s still kinda funny

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I love this webtoon so much I love this story so much I love this whole arc honestly it’s been hit after hit for me and I’m so glad I get to keep screaming about it every week at all of you and just scale walls and swing from rafters I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #Stalkyoo #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Nana Lochlain #lmaoooo #Eleanor Lochlain #Kousuke Hirahara #i'm still chewing through the cables yelling about my feelings AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #also while writing this i had SVT - Home TXT - Ghosting MX - Blame Me and #Shownu and Minhyuk's Have a Goodnight on repeat and BOY did they give me the feels wow wow wow #love to just inject more feelings into favorite songs aljfakjfjkafjafjafjkaf #I'm really looking forward to seeing Nol and Nana talk - partly because I just KNOW he's gonna be SO pathetic and I'm gonna eat that UP #partly because I think Nana can get through to him to some degree #if only it's to point out that Shinae clearly cares SO MUCH and he needs to be careful not to push her away lest he be left with only their #memories #also thinking about how nana and hol's relationship must've started out put me SO DEEP IN THE EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS

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trashlie · 9 months

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Sowing the Seeds, Reaping Stalkyoo

It’s no secret that everything about the state of ILY since the Christmas party has been my absolute catnip, everything I’ve waited for and wanted to see. We’ve had delicious flashbacks and peeks into the past, we’ve been indulged with Nol and Kousuke going head to head, the reveals of how Kousuke has been manipulated and drugged, and yes, Nol’s return into his friend’s lives. Quimchee has been delivering something that I didn’t anticipate we’d get for a long time yet - I thought so much of Nol and Shinae’s relationship was being set up for the future, that it wouldn’t take root until then, and yet.

And yet.

Ages ago I wrote about the foundations of Stalkyoo, how so much of the framework for their potential feelings and relationship had been carefully laid for feelings to begin to sprout and bloom, anticipating that it would not be until after Nol returns from prison, maybe even until after the timeskip, that those feelings would show themselves. What a fool I was! How could I anticipate that we’d be seeing them so soon, like this?!

Someone on reddit asked at what point did Stalkyoo begin - the feelings, us shipping, when it began to feel real and possible, and finally I was able to put the words together, to really begin this post that I’ve been dying to make. (This post is an expansion of my response on reddit, hehe)

I used to waffle a lot on this thought, because if you reread ILY without a romantic lens, there's a lot of things that CAN come across very platonically - but the key is that context always matters, right? To me, a lot of the build up for Stalkyoo has been simply building a foundation so that their own feelings can develop. There's a difference between having feelings and being drawn to each other, but Nol and Shinae HAVE been drawn to each other from the start. While Shinae initially pushes back on Nol's attempt at friendship, by the time they're at the arcade, I think we start seeing the basis of Shinae reciprocating Nol's friendship. Clearly she's only playing along because she wants to get a free meal out of it, but something about Nol and Shinae that I find really interesting is that it really WAS effortless from the beginning! It's just that Shinae has so much trauma about friendships - not only that Alyssa betrayed her and played hot and cold, but that she can't trust her friendship with Maya and Rika is real and she is LITERALLY only there because she knows Maya is scheming. Yet, at the masquerade and the morning after, we see how easy Shinae falls into a rhythm with Nol - but once she catches herself she back pedals.

Something I think we need to clear before we dig into this is the point in which Nol went from trying to play cupid for Dieter to pursuing Shinae's friendship for himself. I don't think even he was totally aware of it, but when they were at the mall, I think that was a slow changing point for Nol. He could tell that he wasn't going to really be able to play cupid for Dieter (but it didn't stop him from trying) but I think by this point he saw Shinae's facade fully, and how similar it was to his. (I mean, I think he'd already seen this, but this was when it really resonated with him.)

Stalkyoo is really well written in which you can't tell at what point the characters themselves start to have feelings, because that's just the nature of feelings. We can't always pinpoint when we go from feeling friend-ish about someone to when we develop feelings, especially in the case of Nol and Shinae who have SO MUCH ELSE going on that feelings are the furthest thing from their minds. Instead, we see those building blocks, the foundations, the things that LEAD those feelings to grow from platonic to feeling something besides just friendship. It's all the little things! For Shinae, it's that someone was so determinedly persistent, something she hadn't really gotten from her other friends. But more than that, it was the way that Nol saw through her. It was the way Yeonggi evoked the kind of friend she wanted to be but was too afraid to be. It was the safety and security he provided her.

For Nol, it was the way she always saw him, always picked up on those little details, always took concern. That night she ran into him after work, when she got worried he'd sat outside all evening because she was too harsh, she told herself not to care and yet... she couldn't. She had just drawn these boundaries, but she still had concern for him. Nol isn't used to that. I'm not saying this to shame Soushi and Dieter in any way, but we don't really see them reach out to him, and I think Dieter acknowledged this after Yujing drove away with Rand and unconscious Nol. Nol had just seen the eviction notice in her room, and yet she still buys him ointment and medicine out of worry for him with what little money she has. She took notice of his scuffed knuckles, of his cat scratches healing, asks how he’s handling things after seeing what they’re saying on the media. At the hospital she calls him out on that façade, expressing how much awful it makes her feel so how can he not?

We get to see these little details culminate, and how that fosters the development of feelings. How can Shinae not be so drawn to this person who has helped her no matter the inconvenience it is to him, who sees through her and calls her out on her bullshit, who took care of her when she was so very vulnerable at the Kim formal? How can Nol not be so drawn to this person who sees him when others make him feel invisible, who makes him feel worthy of her concern and thoughts when so many others have made him feel like he doesn't matter?

It's the way Shinae disarms him and he finds himself unable to lie, revealing a little bit of the real him, admitting a tiny hint of what's going on that he isn't revealing. It's the way he literally inspires her to be a better friend, and to return the favor.

As a reader, the Kim formal and the following hospital scene really sell the plausibility of them through the parallels. We are shown that this early in their friendship, Nol is able to not only comfort Shinae in ways that reach her, but to anticipate her needs (intercepting her coat after Kousuke sends it away). It's not done to say that Kousuke is not a match for her as much as to illuminate why Nol is, to build out that foundation. During a harrowing night when Shinae is completely out of her element and, frankly, terrified, Nol is able to reach her, able to comfort her, and he provides that sense of protection, and in kind, it softens Shinae even more towards him, because now she can see just what a solid friend Nol is, to really take stock of the things he does for her. It also shows us the ways Shinae meets HIS needs in contrast to Alyssa. This is especially important because part of what really fosters Nol's eventual feelings for Shinae is that she sees him, that she feels concern for him, when everyone around him, including the person he's supposed to call his girlfriend, take him for granted.

Nol struggles SO MUCH with self worth and feeling that he matters, that he is anything but a burden (much like Shinae) but also he struggles with feeling that he even deserves this. But then Shinae comes in and gives him a taste of that, and now he can't help it. He opens up, little by little. Not a lot, but he lets her in, tiny bit by bit. She starts to matter. And we can see in episodes like 73, when Nol calls Shinae and they share the parallel pillow hugging phone call, 93 when he admits he can't stop himself from caring and she replaces his earbuds in his ear, 117 and 118 with the chickie nuggie hand holding and the shared earbuds just how Shinae became this person who brings Nol comfort, who has a morphine-effect on him. She becomes a safe space for him. Her comfort towards him fosters that feeling of seeking comfort in her.

At the end of the day, it ultimately is, I think, that they see each other - that they really see each other. Can Shinae see through Nol's facade? Not really - he still has so much that he's yet hidden away. But in a world when he's treated like he's invisible, when others don't reach out, when everyone takes takes takes without giving (and again I'm not faulting people because that's how Nol built these friendships; they weren't supposed to be real, until they accidentally were) she sees him and makes him feel like he matters. And likewise, he inspires her to be a better friend, to take chances with her heart. Ultimately she wouldn't be where she is without him, because while Dieter has also had a substantial role in how Shinae has grown, if not for Nol, she never even could have built that friendship with Dieter.

But also, to bring up my earlier point about that effortlessness, that chemistry has always existed between Nol and Shinae, and once she stopped being so suspicious of him and wary, once he brought her that comfort and security at the formal, we were able to see it more, and how they act on it. I never shut up about how Nol is unable to resist Shinae and it's TRUE. All the times that he tries to avoid her often end with him giving in, turning towards her, revealing something. And likewise she is SO drawn to him that when he starts to pull away, she starts to subconsciously act on that and chase after him, pull him back in. I think there's also something to be said about all the very flirty comments Nol makes towards her that he probably isn't even aware are very flirty - but she is picking up on it. It's that, yes, that attraction is there. Not that I think finding someone is handsome = attraction, but the way she's so embarrassed to voice it feels weighted. Also happening at the formal was that moment where Nol makes Shinae laugh and his eye goes wide - even though I don't think he identified it then, it was a significant moment, probably one that really fostered that attraction, that feeling of how pretty her smile is, ESPECIALLY as someone who had her thick thick walls and he hadn't seen her like that.

Honestly, the entirety of the Kim formal arc really sells the concept of Stalkyoo, despite Nol attending “with” his girlfriend. The parallels in their individual relationships with other significant people show just how compatible they are - Nol banking on a fan taking notice of famous girlfriend Alyssa to give Shinae an escape, that moment when Nol is sent away and Shinae calls out to him and he reaches out before the door closes and he loses the opportunity. It’s that tender moment of Nol doing her make up for her, helping her don her armor in order to blend in. It’s the way she goes straight to Nol after her uncomfortable dance with Kousuke, checking on him because she can tell something is off. They just NOTICE! They GET each other!

It’s that moment at the bottom of the pool when Nol feels the opportunity to escape, to give in, to stay at the bottom of the pool because there is nothing up there for him - and then there is Shinae, unconscious. It’s Nol donning that uncomfortable mask to bring her to the surface, it’s him denying his ideation because maybe there is, in fact, something for him up there. It’s that Nol is still here because of Shinae.

How can she not be so significant to him? How could he fight the development of those feelings when she literally is the reason he is still alive?

IT'S JUST. IT'S ALL OF THAT AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH there's not really one point so much as all along the bricks in the foundation are being laid, the seeds are sown. The structure is going up, the seeds are sprouting. We see the results of that foundation as it fosters these feelings, as it takes these small but significant things and turns them into something grander, until one day Nol is taking comfort on her shoulder, feeling the most at peace he has in a long time, until one day Shinae is crying in the rain chasing after him in absolute desperate fear to not lose him to not lose this. There isn't one moment but, instead, a series of so many moments that build and grow and layer upon each other until one day they are dancing around feelings they weren't aware of until now.

And it's beautiful sobs.

And now that those seeds have sprouted, those feelings have been fostered, they make themselves known. It’s not only Yeonggi that Shinae is drawn to. Yes, that was initially the version of him she knew, who fostered those feelings, but even when he returns to her as Nol - so intense, so unlike Yeonggi - we see the attraction come forth. Rather than Yeonggi, it’s Nol who embodies those aspects of Rand that Shinae finds so attractive - the assertiveness, the intensity - and when Nol stands before her this way, she doesn’t balk. She doesn’t back away. In fact, it’s only when he makes this version of himself known that we start to see her getting flustered, that her heart starts pounding. It’s that intense gaze that she can’t hold, that causes her cheeks to actually flush.

He tells her that his relationship with Alyssa is a shame, that she doesn’t mean anything to him, and it’s like all the boundaries have fallen away. The things she used to call him out on have fallen wayside - she offers him a dance. Though she’s always known that Nol and Kousuke don’t get along, she finally gets a glimpse at how bad it is, how much bad blood is between them.

It’s the way she becomes a grounding rod who interrupts his panic, his anger, who brings him a moment of calm.

In nearly losing him that night, Shinae’s feelings wake up even stronger than ever. She’s already nearly lost him, to nearly lose him this way, in a way that can never be undone... It’s understandable, why she’s keeping vigil.

It’s both Nol and Shinae hating hospitals, finding them to be so uncomfortable, places they don’t want to stay in, but still standing by - Nol outside her door at Hirahara Memorial of all places, Shinae at his bedside waiting waiting waiting. It’s being in a place full of such horrible memories but finding refuge and comfort in each other. As precious at 219 is for Nol’s birthday party, for the flirtations, for the exchanged gazes - the moment Nol wakes up and his panic is quelled when he finds her dozing on the side of his bed is SO important to me. Those moments they share together before anyone else finds out he’s awake feels like the most real they’ve been with each other - no fronts, no masks. It’s them sitting in the place they’d rather never be again, comfortable because of each others’ presence, because of all those experiences before that have cultivated the ability to find comfort in each other.

Security with each other.

The foundation was laid out so beautifully. The seeds were sown and now we watch them sprout, hoping we’ll get a chance to see what comes of them, what grows in this space fostered by them.

God I love them so much sobs

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Stalkyoo #Aegi #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #i will never be able to top this post lmao this is it #this is my magnum opus or whatever #this is the best i'll ever be able to write about them to yell about them to verbalize about them #i just LOVE to look at the foundation and see how they've bloomed how they're blossoming #I LOVE looking back and realizing all these little building blocks that got us here #there's no one moment because it was so organic something that just grows and grows until one day you realize it's there #there was never one moment because it's a series of moments a culmination of experiences #it was the environment fostering them #THEY ARE SO IMPORTANT TO ME AND TO EACH OTHER #will Shinae ever get to know? what brought Nol back to the surface at the Kim formal?#will she ever know just how important she is to him?#she thinks she's so easy to throw away but in reality it's that it's so hard to be her friend without wanting more #BECAUSE of how important she is #because as much as he's helped shape her #helped her grow and become an even better version of herself #she has affected him too #she has changed him too #SOBS I LOVE THEM SO MUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH

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trashlie · 5 months

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In Which I Cry Some More About Tragic Siblings

Heads up that this post WILL contain spoilers up through FP 248 so do NOT read this if you don't want to be spoiled!!!!! But in light of 248, I have some strong convictions about Nol and Kousuke's future (like, way future lol) relationship and where we might see them head.

We've been talking a lot on the ILY discord server about family - especially in light of the confirmation that the long-fabled theory that Rand isn't Kousuke's father is coming to light, in terms of what does this mean for their relationship and how do we define family. There feels like, amongst all the other running themes lol, to be a running theme about family and how it isn't necessarily defined by blood.

We see this in how it's clear that Rand seems to have had suspicions about Kousuke's parentage for a while and that it feels like he's only acting on them now in need of a bargaining chip, but that he's always treated Kousuke as his son regardless of whether or not he fathered Kousuke. We've seen how despite believing that Kousuke and Nol share blood they could not force a brotherly bond to form between them, even though Rand had so hoped one would. And though it's not a territory we've had a chance to explore yet, I think we'll get to explore it with Shinae and her own estranged sister, and may see that blood cannot define family, especially when you have been estranged and are virtually strangers.

The conversation leading to this thought was essentially that while Shinae and Shinhye may be (potentially half) sisters, quimchee has given some vague hints that they may not be able to forge a relationship in the future, whether it's because Shinhye is dishonest or is involved with shady dealings or other circumstances, it feels like there may be a narrative that despite sharing blood, you can't force family. Shinhye is not a person that Shinae grew up with and though a part of her longed for her family to be reunited and whole once more, they grew up apart and into separate people, and who Shinhye has grown into may be incompatible with her, may not be someone who can mesh with her.

This feels like it parallels - and especially as a foil - heavily with Nol and Kousuke who everyone has believed are related and have been forced to act as siblings but absolutely cannot, due to the paranoia and fear that is so deeply ingrained in Kousuke. And it feels even more inverted - Shinae and Shinhye who share blood but grew up apart, compared to Nol and Kousuke who share no blood and were pushed to be a family. It feels like there's a theme here about how family is what you make of it - that family can certainly be the people to whom you're related by blood, but sometimes they are found family. Sometimes they are the people you call your family, regardless of your shared blood.

Rand may not have fathered Kousuke, and we don't know for how long he's had his suspicions about his parentage, but we do know that he has always treated him as his son. I know that people will jump on the weird take about how "That's why Rand was always so distant from Kousuke" as if not being the blood relative to Kousuke could ever justify being an absent father - as if Yui wasn't busy orchestrating Rand's absence. Not that I say the blame is solely on Yui, but we also know that Rand has shown the inclination to wanting to play his role as Kousuke's parent and we've seen plenty enough to know that Yui has meddled.

The point is: Rand loves Kousuke, and his distance in Kousuke's life has never been that he doesn't feel that Kousuke is his and therefore he can't love him. Plenty of people are step-parents to children they love as their own, because that's what family is. Plenty of people adopt children they love as much as if they'd birthed them themselves. This narrative of "he can't connect with someone he didn't father" is gross and disgusting and more over, the narrative has shown that was never the case.

And with this thinking, even though we are at a point where Nol is casting people from his life and appears to be heading into his revenge arc, my conviction feels stronger than ever that we will see some kind of reconciliation between Nol and Kousuke, because the theme of "family is what you make of it" just feels so strong, and the potential foil to Shinae and her own sister. That's not to say that Nol would ever entirely forgive Kousuke and they would suddenly be the partners in crime they could have been as much as I feel like part of Nol's narrative is that he is going to find himself in Kousuke's shoes. He already is well on his way, with his interaction with Alyssa, thinking of her hickeys as the result of cheating. Years from now he, too, will have his Kousuke moment of horror when he finds out what was happening to Alyssa, how she got those marks, what she meant when she told him it was "just business" and he will realize how he cast her away when she came to him in her desperate time of need, as Kousuke did to him before. Something else I'd like to talk about when I'm in the headspace to write about it is how Nol's revenge arc will very likely parallel what may be Yui's origins (stream episode 7 of ILY Tea with Trashellie if you don't want to wait for me to write it lmao) which may bring him to a point of understanding how Kousuke ended up where he did - how fear and anger drive and consume you.

What this is getting at really is just to say: I think we might see a future where Nol will be able to face Kousuke and say that he understands. It doesn't undo their past, it doesn't make up for what was lost, or what was done. But I think there is something so important in Nol being able to get that distance and understand, to see how Kousuke, too, was a victim, how his innocent needs were preyed upon and how his hunger for his father's love turned starvation coupled with the deep-seated paranoia and fear lead him to the desperate lengths it did. I think there's going to come a time where Nol will be pulled back from crossing a line and understand.

We already see that Kousuke shows so much shame and, I think remorse, for the things he has done. So much guilt. He knows there was no justification - what he thought justified his actions was all lies, was all manipulation. The mentality that they are different, the paranoia his mother cultivated in him that he used to distance himself from others, that isolated him from others because who could he trust but her - and she, it turned out, was the worst of them all. And while Nol is not ready to hear Kousuke's regrets or apologies, because it's too little too late right now, I think in the future, when he's been consumed, or maybe when he's healed, when he's had enough distance, when he's been able to step back far enough to see that in the end, they both were victims, they were both children who had SO MUCH stolen from them, that even if they couldn't then, maybe now they can start over.

I don't think it's going to be a fairytale ending. I don't think they can be the brothers I want them to be. Kousuke's wounds cut too deep and Nol is too raw from them but I think that's why I see it as starting over. They are different people, have had so much stolen from each other, have lost so much (and will continue to).

But I believe more than ever that they will reconcile. The bridge imagery has always been there and has made me feel this so strongly, but I feel like the family themes make me feel it even more strongly - this sense that they may not share blood after all, but that isn't what makes you family. Sometimes family is a choice. It's choosing to be there for each other. It's choosing to care. It's choosing to love. It doesn't depend on blood - it just depends on depending, doesn't it?

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