#she makes me feel so bad abt myself wtff

[beetrootsoupdragon]

hmmm.

#vent in tags #turns out my only friend is actually really ableist and queerphobic #like i guess i should have realised that when she called me a slur #but i just excused it #like i excused her being really mean to me #like theres a line between playful joking and trying to insult the other person #and she made a joke abt me being autistic (bad joke to make) so i told her i actually was autistic and she was weird around me the rest of #the day but then near the end she started beingreally rude to me #including saying something like “i have too small of a mental capasity to be a good friend” or something #and like #shes never said anything like this until i told her i was autistic #plus she has always been weird abt me not using excact labels and just referring to my gender and sexuality in general terms #and she was really really weird abt me being trans #and she was so weird when she found out abt my sh #and i actually hate being around her #she makes me feel so bad abt myself wtff #i put up with it bcs i have no other friends #we're not a good friendship bcs she wants so much more from me than i can give and she refuses to give anything back #idk what to do abt it bcs there is. no way ill be able to just stop talking to her #shes really good at forcing me to spend time with her #idk shes actually really manipulative

[thisisformetoyellintothevoid]

I went basically through my entire life having anxiety/social anxiety and never really talked about it with anyone, not even my family or friends. And yet, for some weird reason I still just assumed that everyone knew that I had something going on... skipping school bcs I felt too anxious to go sround people, getting physically ill for doing presentations etc. And yet, when I had a mental break down in front of my parents and cried for hours after getting it triggered by a driving lesson and the sheer stress of both driving and other stuff that had been building inside of me, my parents were otterly dumbfounded to find out I was struggling pretty bad mentally.

At first they tried to tell me it was okay that I didnt know how to drive probely yet and I was practising and I tried to tell that there was more to it that I didnt cry for hours bcs of a failed driving lesson and suddenly it was just "??? Really? Why?" And after I sat down to talk with my mom (my dad just steered himself out of the conversation, not out of malice or anything, he genuienly just doesnt know how to deal with stuff like this) it suddenly dawned on me that my parents just... handt noticed or realized that im not simply shy, but I have genuine struggles with social anxiety and anxiety in general.

I remember my mom asking me how long has rhis veen going on and me just being???? My whole life?? Wtff. But I didnt dare to say that so pluntly to my mom cause I got eorried she would blame herself for not noticing. BECAUSE! I realized in that moment that all my anxiety as loud as it is in my head, doesnt actually show outward at all???? Which is why everyone keeps telling me how chill and calm I seem as a person, but I always just assumed that I looked as tense and scsred as I did feel on the inside. But it doesnt.

Nor did i ecer really talk about my anxiety with anyone, well, bcs of anxiety :))))) and also because of the way i was raised and was not taught to deal with my emotions when growing up. I dont think my parents really ever talked me through my emotions or outbursts as a kid but just rather left me be by myself until i calmed down and then just went "alright, your calm now. Lets continue and not talk abt this". Which let me have a lot of problems with expressing myself and understanding and handling my feelings... just basically shutting them down as bad and repressing them rather than talk abt them...

I also realized how disappointed I was to my parents handling their daughter having a mental breakdown. Like, my mom is a nurse in a mental hodpital. She works with people who have anxiety and depression and she helps hhem overcome those and offers therapy etc. and she did the same for me which i am grateful abt, but when it came to just simple comforting and soothing, there was none of that. I cried in front of them and neither of them thought to give me a hug or physical comfort and i am bursting in tears as i am writing this, bcs it just feels really bad thinking that parents just couldnt offer their child that... if i was a child they would have scooped right into their arms, but as an adult i just... dont need thst i guess...

I know that it is the way they were raised too and they both have gheir own childhood trauma and ways they were raised around negative emotions and physical affection, but it still pains me so much...

And i am more disappointed in my mum, bcs she knows about anxiety and depression. She knows how it affects people, where it comes from, she studies it every day and she talks with people who experience with it every day and yet she still is unable to offer me the things she knows that i need.

After a few weeks or months after the incident she did sometimes ask me vaguely how i wss feeling and something but now she doesnt anymore. And it feels bad bcs i dont know if she has forgotten or if she just assumes that im better now bcs i havent cried in front of her. And at the same time i want to talk to her, but i dont know how or where to start. I ooened up to my sister about my difficulties and she actually offered me a hug and she opened abt her own struggles and i felt so happy and loved.

Idk, i just feel like my parents are not ready enough to go outside of their comfortzone to check on their kid and it just... makes me so sad.

#rambling #anxiety #depression