#shes so genuinely sweet and caring and attentive and shes so bitter selfish and jealous

[hecksupremechips]

Constantly torn between writing a character to be just a nice guy and writing that character to be the most fucked up creature in existence

#the klock keeps ticking #like theres a line at some point where you cant make this all one guy but you just. really want to #like yeah lets say we got some fucked up guy who tries really hard to be nice and sweet despite the horrors #but you know what if i want him to get kinda bitchy too cuz how can i expect him not to be? hes been through some shit and hes only human #but how bitchy can i make him before he just kinda becomes an asshole #i guess though people are pretty complicated so sometimes its just kinda like that #i must once again hail rebecca gales as the character ever like girl shes sooooo #shes so genuinely sweet and caring and attentive and shes so bitter selfish and jealous #shes gotta make like the biggest effort to be nice and simultaneously the biggest effort to be mean #its just so refreshing to see idk someone who is generally a good person but shes really fucked up about it #like this doesnt come easy to her! everything in her wants to act like a petty child! #and she does! shes really fucking immature and she thinks shes above it all when shes the worst out of everyone! #and thats just such a nice thing to see just a very human character #and shes just like me for real aaaaaa god like guys this freaking character has helped me cope so bad #like shes not a monster shes just. a person having a bad day and not coping very good #yeah this post wasnt even about her but I made it about her now ive just been thinking about rebecca a lot lately OKAY #we cant all be perfect sometimes we just gotta be rebecca at least im brave enough to admit it #anyways i have pretty similar tangents about ryuki shin marianne shinjiro and junpei

[bagatelleno25]

Homage to my Highschool Years

There is no way for me to formulate my emotions at the moment, and I probably won’t be able to for a while.

I am a senior in the class of 2020.

Last week, I was supposed to perform my final play—Alice in Wonderland—as an actor and student director. I gave countless hours, labors, and tears for something that will likely never be seen. I was supposed to be recognized as a senior in the only senior night I was ever going to have in high school.

In little less than a month, I was supposed to be dancing the night away at my senior prom—surround with the people I care about most.

In less than two months, I was supposed to be able to tell my favorite teachers—adults I saw almost everyday for the past four years—goodbye, and thank you for shaping me into the person I am. I was supposed to tell my underclassmen babies advice on how to survive high school, and assure them that they could make it too. I was supposed to be walking out of my school as a student for the last time.

In two months and one day EXACTLY, I was supposed to be walking across the stage. Graduating. Saying publically that I did it to all of my friends and family. That I completed something that took 13 years of my 18 year old life.

Now I won’t get to do any of that.

Yes, I am aware that the virus going around is serious. I am aware that people are hurting and dying and my heart aches for all of them.

But I am still allowed to be upset, to be disappointed. To feel scorned and heartbroken.

I was robbed.

Every late night, every stress-induced meltdown, every tear shed, every quick project, every test studied for, every report card that I worked myself to death other, every frustrated rant, every discouraged moment, every time I had to pull myself back up from rock bottom, every fight, every argument, every debate, every moment when I wanted to give up but didn’t because I wanted to be able to say “I did it”.

And now I won’t be able to.

To know that I will be the only grandchild of my grandmother’s that she won’t get to see walk across the stage, go out to dinner after, and just feel her pride that only comes after seeing someone congratulated. That shit? HURTS. My heart aches thinking about that.

To know that I will be the only daughter of my parents that they won’t get to celebrate graduating fucking sucks.

To know that I will never, ever, be able to recreate the magic of a high school graduation is the worst of all. I’ll have to smile at my nephews’ graduations, because yes I’ll be so fucking proud of them, but I will always be jealous that I never got that.

And you’re going to call me selfish? you’re going to belittle me being upset and refusing to be positive?

This is a stressful, scary time for everyone. But at least you got to have a high school graduation. To walk across the stage hearing everyone clap for you. To get to look at your friends with a bittersweet, tired but proud smile. To finally get to say you achieved something that everyone has to fucking recognize as a good job. At least you have that memory, and you’ll get to have it forever.

You know what my memory might be?

Opening my diploma in the mail. If I’m lucky, maybe my parents could Facebook live it to their friends and family. Maybe my sisters will take a Snapchat with a cute little caption of “I’m so proud of her!!”

But it won’t be the same. No, it could never be the same. I won’t get to see my dad genuinely smile at me with pride, because he rarely shows it to our faces. I won’t get to have my mom pin and repin my cap because it has to be just right. I won’t get to see my grandma grin, knowing that for once I’ve made her proud and that I have her full attention. I won’t get to receive letters and gifts from extended family saying congratulations and that I’ve done good—the ONE fucking time I’d be on everyone’s minds. I won’t get to shake my principle’s hand and say a quiet goodbye to the person who ruled my past four years. I won’t get to walk past my teachers, grinning widely and seeing their proud smiles because fuck—I made it.

This is only a mere fraction of what I feel at the moment. The hurt, the disappointment, the heart break.

Class of 2020, I’m sorry that this is happening to us. Don’t let anyone belittle you because of what’s happening in the crazy world right now. You have every right to be upset and hurting right now, and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.

To everyone else that’s not Class of 2020, you don’t know how this feels. You got your moment in the sun, your pat on the back. We won’t. Be fucking sympathetic, for fucks sake. This hurts. This affects us the rest of our lives. This will always be a bitter memory that is glorious and sweet for others. Let us feel scorned without your asses making us feel selfish and shoddy.

So to my highschool years:

thank you for trying your hardest

thank you for giving me some gudiance as I grew up

thank you for giving me structure in my life

thank you for being here

I’m sorry you don’t get the goodbye you deserve.

#class of 2020 #senior #seniorszn #senior 2020 #sad