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barnabyseyelashes · 1 year

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crewmate’s log

life (?) update

been writing this for a while mentally i guess. really good at just thinking things and not doing them. but an update bc i know i’ve been absent; for some of you longer than others, and i do regret and am sorry for that. i do love and care about you and think about you all even when i am gone, and i hope everyone has been holding on.

i feel like i’m one of the maquis adrift on the voyager, and it has been a long, lonely hard travel. and unfortunately often i feel like a worse person for it.

general c/tw for illness/covid/cancer, IPV, parental death. it is kinda long so feel free to skim/skip as needed.

my spouse and i have very little IRL support, we have been paying over $4k usd a month on rent alone, my mom and sister are the only family i’ve spoken to since december. spouse working full time in thankfully a better job with a shorter commute but having to care full time for me & our elderly ill cat when at home.

and this is probably the sickest i’ve ever been in my life which is saying a lot, considering ive been poisoned by toxic black mold before & have dealt with literally crippling stomach issues previous. ever since november everything has been happening. i slept basically all december, i was too tired to be awake more than 3-5 hours at a time most days. i haven’t even been able to wash my hair or proper shower since. much of december and january i was unable to walk (and i mean literally dragging myself with my arms/using my moms walker as crutches unable to walk) which was a fun new exciting development. thankfully we started to live our current place by then, as our apartment is on the second floor with awful cinder stairs. though we still haven’t moved for real and are stuck paying for it until near may. soooo really uh not jazzed to find out how we will move in the next two months when i still have days i can’t walk. especially since again we basically have no IRL support. i’m doing better at least a little, i’ve started nutrient IV therapy again which is helping even if it’s extremely difficult (and expensive). my stomach is still so fucked up that i can barely eat. it’s so clenched all the time if i have more than like 3 crackers i will have Lead Weight and 6-10 hours of pain :) thank you cannabis literally without her i would not be eating at all. even still i’m belching like a beer hall competitor for hours most days it fucking sucks. the only real progress tho has been that at least i’ve been having a lot fewer panic attacks and less general anxiety now that we are living in our new spot which i’m very grateful for. kinda surprising bc usually if my stomach hurts i have anxiety and often panic so that at least has been a relief. the rest of my brain has been fucking trash garbage tho, nonverbal or partially verbal mostly. multiple meltdowns a week when b4 it was a biannual occurrence. no brain power, lots of autistic rage & ideation. just awful to be & inflict on everyone else. i am sorry for that. it is largely why i shut down at times. i simply fucking have to.

obviously i’ve been too sick to really do anything but spouse and i are deep in our pokémon hole and it’s keeping us good company. lol despite the graphics scvi are pretty good games. writing? character development? in MY pokémon main series game? more likely than you think..

still it’s so bittersweet to be saying sayonara to satoshi shounen, ah ah ahhh i’m gonna cry so hard (already have). but i think the new series will be good. it will just be different.

also i was blessed bc in the first 30 min of playing i caught a shiny mareep, one of my top 6 fave lines and one of my fave shinies. i only caught 1 in pogo and so i was so jazzed. she’s carried us 💖 my beloved deanna (like dddk, not tng)

one of the things that’s also been good is our new living situation, even if its annoying and complicated sometimes to share with other people, i’m glad we are living with my literal oldest friend and the only person from high school i still talk to lol. we have a cottage, bigger than our old one, and even tho it doesn’t have a bathroom, the insulation & windows are shit, it’s been good. & it is under 2k a month, we got a small room in the main house now too so spouse has an office & we have some extra storage. but the best is having space to make a large, productive garden, and my friends 3 ducks and 3 chickens. skip the next part if you don’t wanna see my essay about them LMAO.

and omg gay people, i’ll never not be raising poultry now. bird flu in domestic flock was finally detected in our county this winter, which makes me sweat a bit but fingers crossed we will be ok. my friends ex (who lived here b4 us) did most of the bird care. since i’ve been here tho it’s basically all been me, and of my choice. tricky when i have been sick but truthfully they take about 20 min a day of daily care, and maybe an hour a week of general maitenence. in early autumn when we got here, it was so easy to be outside for hours with them.. no one had ever been able to pet them before. my friend wasn’t even trusted enough to see the duckies swim in their pool while she was in the yard! nowadays the two nonskittish ducks are happy to pop in there even if i’m in the splash zone 🤣 i’m awful i do love the ducks best because they are sweet, simple creatures who know what’s good in life (treats, bodies of water, naps, frequent loud gay sex) while the chickens are a bit mean 😭 i still haven’t resolved the pecking order issues (the lowest chicken, emma [cream legbar], always beats up on the nervous duck, lydia [ancona]) but hopefully in summer i’ll be able to help shift that. kitty (brown khaki campbell) & jane (silver welsh harlequin) are very well trained to “cmere” and eat readily (jane, too readily..) from my hand. the dominant chickens, boss lady/lizzie (black ameraucana supposably) & eleanor (grey lace silverruds blå) will do the same but they aren’t quite as good at the recall lol. i’ve been reading on raising them all, working on gentling them, and enriching their lives.. i love it. they have really helped me, especially kitty. she is very special. she is the smallest but she lays the hugest fucking eggs, and since mid autum it’s been DAILY. like lord girl you gotta stop and moult eventually your feathers are so tatty. spouse has breakfast every day now though. i’m allergic to eggs so 😂 oh well. they’re great fun to raise regardless. (i’ve even recently gotten skittish lydia to eat worms from my hand, so i’ve officially touched them all!!)

anyway i could talk about my beloved birds for fuckin ever obviously lol but i also wanna write about my family a bit too, bc so much has happened. tw covid , IPV , cancer

i may have had covid in summer/early fall but my mom and sis got it for real, both of them in december/january. i don’t remember which. my mom got hers likely from the hospital cuz her ONCOLOGIST told her to get her mri there instead of the specialty mri clinic :) which is nice. my mom has lymphoma as well as several autoimmune diseases and pretty severe mental illness. she has been sick in and off since. she is sick rn & i am missing this weeks IV because of that. so shout out to california removing mask requirements in healthcare settings as of april 🤮👍

my sister got hers from her shitty ex bf. that man supported her while she dealt with numerous health issues and surgeries in.. 2020..1? 21 i think. idk. maybe both. he supported her thru the hell that the last year was. up until last month when he fucking attacked her over a disagreement about a LITTER BOX. literally grabbed her , held her, and dumped dirty cat litter box over her head then destroyed the box with a huge chefs knife. bc that’s a really normal response. my sister had to call the cops. she’s gonna get a restraining order against him and his fucked up parents. but now she’s out she’s realized he had been abusing her verbally & emotionally like their whole relationship. 💔 i’m just so glad she fucking survived and he didn’t do worse, good god. she has been staying in our apartment most of the winter bc covid and now until she can get her own place so even tho we are hemmoraghing money on that shithole, at least it’s useful.. bc lol my moms husband literally told my sister “well in your bfs defense, any guy would react like that to a woman behaving like that” LIKE UM? NO?!??!? so she isn’t comfortable being there. spouse and i never felt safe around that man and it is a large reason we moved from my cottage at my moms to my dads place to begin with. so at least we have officially broken off any relationship to that trash man which is great but my mom won’t leave him so i have to just make my peace that disease will take her if he doesn’t someday. fun stuff.

tw parental death

also cool and fun things happening lately is that this saturday it will have been a year since my fathers physical form drew breath. to say this last 15 or so months have sucked shit is the biggest understatement ever. my aunt currently has like two days to settle his estate; yes she still has a large proportion of my sister & my inheritance. no i haven’t seen or spoken to her since my grandpas funeral in september but i’m the “child of her heart” like ok. & my da had a reverse mortgage on our home of 20 years, and they forced us to sell it within a few months instead of the 12 legally we were allowed. that move was absolute hell. and i had to spend 8k on movers just for some of them to 1% ass it; they literally broke multiple peices of my dads ceramic artworks bc i tried and tried to get people to help me pack them but no one but my mom did. she couldn’t manage them all. it’s hard to forgive myself. it’s so fucking enourmous to bear the weight of knowing i have to be the one who cares for and maintaines his body of work, at least the bulk of it. god that fucker i’m still mad he gave away my favourite bowl to a goddamn woman he met at the pool LMFAO classic mike manoeuvre. one of his brothers took the fish vase i wanted too.. and the vase that matches the one he was throwing when my moms water broke with me. if it was steve i forgive you because my uncle steve also is dying of bladder cancer rn (da had multiple myeloma, diagnosed 2016) and i feel shit for not speaking with him for months but. illness. larry you’re on thin ice, hugh if it was you i’ll kill you myself 🔪 same for you mary especially cuz u actually knew i wanted that shit.

dads bday was literally in january but did any one of those bitches text me? no. did any of his friends text me? no. tbf i can barely respond to texts but like still.. i feel bad i haven’t seen or called my grandma but also. illness! been nonverbal most days! so like 🥲 everyone else has their grief too i get it but lol to have everyone say “we will be there for you” and for literally no one to be seen its very hurtful. at least one of his friends text me to check in on me and my sister yday. but it really truly feels like no one gives a shit. and with my moms lack of health i’m having to prepare to be an orphan within 5 years.

my sister bought a star for him months ago in some registry. i didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was near meaningless, these registries aren’t anything, no one can own these things. but on clear nights i still look off the leading edge of the plow into whatever near nothingness that faint light is coming from, adrift in emptiness.

———

anyways that’s pretty much all from me. (is it enough LOL. happy saturn return with saturn in sideral aquarius. in my 1H too 😩) as i get better i will be getting back slowly into discord and shit, i’ve literally just been too exhausted and unable to function. some of yiz have known abt some of this, but mostly my main acct tweeps & tumblr muts haven’t, so i just figured i would write this, and maybe it would help me in some way. hopefully i’ll be back on tumblr soon too, i literally just can’t use it with our internet (and lack of) here lmfao. i’ll slowly be getting this out to my e-circles as i have energy in the next days.

sending love to you all in pawsitivity discord; yuri horse club, gabriel, kurt & folks from tumblr; and all the rest of yiz. (i don’t mean to forget or omit anyone, honest). i hate that illness & shit has kept me from you. the last year has taught me well to value the time we have and it is not guaranteed. i love you all, i miss you, and i am wishing you well. i am hoping to reconnect soon. beannachtaí 💚💙💜

#tw for fun stuff like covid cancer parental death IPV / domestic violence #u know the usual grab bag of things 😩#🖋🦓#🖋️🦓

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royalreef · 2 years

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Anonymous inquired: if you ever decide to release all your world building notes n stuff you have for miranda and the merkingdom i feel a lot of us would love to see it! just from what you show on the blog right now, you've put so much amazing work into the lore of this blog and the redesigns you've done

(( I might! Some day!

Right now the biggest thing holding me back is pretty simple, in that all of my lore is... very disorganized right now. I have some very outdated Google docs ( 12, to be exact... Most over 10 pages long, to give you a reference ), and all of my many, many lore posts on here, on my personal sideblog, and on the NSFT sideblog — but most of my lore, and my most up-to-date lore, is all on Discord in various conversations with friends, or it’s being kept in my head. I have also started a note-keeping journal on the go, and I have other notes on a personal server that I can just toss my junk into, but again, neither of these are in a share-able state.

Likewise, I would REALLY want to doublecheck all of it, making sure it’s internally consistent, and there’s a lot of stuff I STILL haven’t finished yet! I’ve been seriously putting off actually fully mapping out what the merfolk vocal organ looks like, which I need to do first before I move on into their languages, as I really do want to create several conlangs to reflect what they’re speaking. Language is incredibly important to merfolk, so having that is a cornerstone I still refuse to work on in this whole project, as I kind of... do NOT want to figure out grammar or sentence structure or anything. I’d also want to put some study into music for that too, since so much of their language is song and music ties heavily into how they think of the world, but, surprisingly, I am notoriously musically un-talented. My family are all big into music, but it skipped a generation for me. But I need all of this before I can start actually drawing out what their written language looks like, and similarly, I need to figure out how I want to handle the written/spoken/signed language divide, since merfolk senses are incredibly different to our own.

This is not even to mention more fully fleshing out the other merfolk species and cultures, which I’ve kind of also been dragging my feet on, since it’s just... A lot. And I only have so much spoons I can allocate to so much at a time.

Beyond even that too — I’ve long been thinking that I might, eventually, make my worldbuilding into its own independent project. It wouldn’t be hard to slice off the remaining threads of Monster Prom still holding onto it, and my work on the Redesign Universe has kind of been a result of this. That said, if I ever do fully make it its own project, I wouldn’t want to share all of my lore here, and might never share the lore bible in its entirety based on what I end up going with. It’s complicated, and while it might not occur for a LONG while, it’s still a thought and an impulse enough to make me hesitate.

And lastly, I just kinda like when people can discover the world and lore on their own! I like a decent exploratory aspect, and yeah of course I’ll share it OOC with someone if they just come up and ask me whatever they want to know, but I also think it’s just downright fun to have them learn things alongside their muse. I like to have that option for people! I know it’s not for everyone, but hey, that’s why I say over and over that you can just ask me and I’ll tell you, though I might doublecheck and make sure you’re okay with getting all the secrets long before they show up naturally.

Unfortunately, this aspect has ultimately kind of... died off, I suppose, since the RPC seems to be changing and leaning away from long-form and long-running continuities that grow and extrapolate on themselves, so I guess I worry sometimes about not being able to show it off at all anymore. It’s not supposed to be this obscure or hard to find, not really, not if you just keep at it, but you can’t really do that in shorter threads, shorter replies, less serious content, etc etc etc. More than anything, I guess I’m just used to showing off this information in a certain way, and that way is no longer a liable method to use.

#Most secret royal advisor || OOC #Dreaded rumors || Asks #The masked ball || Anonymous #(( its just kind of extra exhausting too because #(( if you know me. i hate shorter/lighter roleplays and LOVE longer/heavier stuff.#(( i am All Plot All The Time #(( but there's not been a lot of chances to dig into plot lately so like. yaknow.

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pruning-the-minds-garden · 6 months

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I guess we're doing this now

Your lips are moving and you're complaining about something; that's whinging." -- Sandor Clegane

My mother in law and I have something broadly in common, and that is that both of us are mentally ill and disabled. She is more profoundly mentally ill than I am - her diagnoses are pretty extensive, as (probably) is the trauma that (likely) led to them - and differently disabled. It's... well it's complicated and not worth getting into here but it's a whole mess on its own. Anyway, we do share that aspect of our life experience. However, we approach it very differently.

This can be exemplified by one of the follow-up arguments my wife had with her, after she had her screaming fit where she spent 10-15 minutes cursing my wife out. In said argument, my mother in law said the following lines:

"You need to make allowances for people in pain."

"I don't remember that; you can't expect me to apologize for something I can't remember doing."

"You know I'm mentally unwell, and that's just going to happen sometimes."

... and when I heard those things I was practically vibrating with anger. When I fuck up because I'm in pain or in a dark headspace, I still apologize. When I hurt people because I'm going through something myself and not thinking clearly that may explain it, but that doesn't excuse it. You can say "I was not at my best in that moment and I'm very sorry for what I did," and that's a genuine apology... but the closest she came was "I'm sorry that you take Mark's feelings more seriously than you take mine" and that's fucking ridiculous.

You also need to follow up your apology with a genuine attempt at restitution and reasonable prevention of repeated occurrences of the same thing in the future, or the apology is itself just hollow words. So, when I fuck up and hurt someone because I'm in pain or something, I tell them both that I'm sorry and what triggered it and how I will prevent that combination of factors coming together in the future. I lay out what I am going to do, for them, so that they know I am aware that this is not an insignificant thing to me and that I am doing what I need to do to fix it.

She's doing none of that. Hell, she hasn't even apologized. What gets me is that my wife is just kinda okay with (or at least willing to accept) that, and now talking to her and moving on, albeit slowly, with the relationship. Like... I get that her choices are her choices and her priorities are not mine. She gets to set her own lines for what enough is in any given situation, and there is a lot of emotional context to this that I cannot see. But, if I did something that obviously abusive to her and then didn't even apologize, she would be sleeping at someone else's house by now and definitely not talking to me.

I also recognize that I cannot completely separate my vitriol at my MIL consistently misgendering me and invalidating my gender identity, as well as repeatedly stepping all over other triggers she knows speak to past traumas (and she's a rape crisis counselor, y'all!), nor my anger at my own mother doing similar, from my anger at this situation so there is an additive effect... but for fuck's sake, like, this whole thing is fuuuuuuucked. I'm keeping as quiet as I can and playing the role I need to play as caregiver, helping mend hurt feelings and listen where appropriate and when asked... but keeps my lips from moving is hard. I want to say a lot. I have a lot to say about this whole situation. But, it's not mine to comment on. If my wife wants to rebuild a relationship with her abusive, transphobic, increasingly MAGA-hat-wearing mother because she's afraid of being left without a parent in the world even though she's doing more caring for her mother in both the practical and financial sense than being cared for by her mother... that's her decision, not mine. I might not think it's the right one (made obvious by the framing of the prior sentence), but it's not my life, and therefore not my call to make. I will be there for her regardless, as long as that decision does not become something untenable for us in one way or another.

#More mental health stuff under the cut #continuing in law drama #not new events just me processing stuff #CW disability #CW chronic pain #cw mental illness

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ambustested · 6 months

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I'm feeling talkative tonight, so here's a last ramble.

I've always had complicated feelings about fandom and the line between art for oneself and art for profit, and the stuff that entails. In a way, fandom kinda feels like it can't ever really free itself from consumerism. Fandom is, for the most part, building off of works sold for profit, so in a way, by writing for fandom, aren't you kind of advertising for someone else's work?

Even if they're an indie creator, aren't you helping hawk their wares?Even if it's shakespeare, aren't you helping potentially sell a paper copy of "Macbeth"? I guess you can ask, is anything really free from being a commodity these days.

When it comes to fandom, I've always liked to avoid the buying and selling of things with money. I don't want to write for cash, though its been offered, and I receive and offer services (art, writing, proof reading) either as a trade, or goodwill, or appreciation for what someone has given to the community.

What I like about fandom is that it offers plenty of art, collaborative storytelling, and often without the pressure to be good. I think most artists want to make art that serves a purpose, in the sense that it represents their idea or vision, or helps discover something, have a sort of discussion.

I've always liked that people don't feel a pressure to say that thing well, sometimes the object is just to say it earnestly. No one else's input is considered.

When you sell something nowadays, I feel there's a lot of consideration for polish, for popularity, for virality. Fandom has often struck me as the misshapen bit of heirloom fruit left at the bottom of the supermarket bin. It's gone a little soft, is a weird mixture of colors, might smell just on the verge of being off , but trusting it enough to put in your sandwich might offer a uniquely flavorful experience.

I think there's something pretty great in bad art, art that is not easily sellable, art that builds upon the dregs of someone else's work. I guess it makes me think of composting, reusing familiar characters, themes, and worlds, and expanding, remixing, building something new. And I know, original work does exist, and I've read some great ones. I love finding indie comic artists and giving a bit to fund their work.

But part of what I like about fandom is that it's kinda just seen as a garbage pile. No one expects anything good, often not even the authors writing the darn thing. But by reading through a series works, you can sometimes see ideas about characters and worlds that develop and evolve and watch people build off each other, all for free, relatively ungatekept (luck providing). You can see people learn, experiment, go through phases, find what tangential works strike a chord with them.

I like looking at a fic and going "Oh that sounds bizarre" and finding, yeah it it is! But it also felt worth the read. Introduced a new perspective on a familiar character, interpreted a thematic element in a unique way, expanded on an underdeveloped plot point.

This ramble is nothing too original, but getting very deep into fandom meta discussion often gives me a headache because its hard to have a discussion about the facets of something's merit when you inevitably get a couple interjections of "There is no merit at all! Just buy a book!"

I could also go into expy's and how I really enjoy people who develop their own unique vision in a fandom so much it stands on its own as a unique IP, but maybe later....

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oedipushansen · 1 year

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rant under the cut abt like. books i guess?

the weirdest thing abt andrea long chu’s article abt ottessa moshfegh and how ppl reacted to it is that like. alc didnt rlly like.. say anything that wasnt already known. like ppl knew that moshfegh put racism and fatphobia and other bigoted or “gross” themes into her work, theres literally no way u could have claimed to read her books w/o noticing that. this isn’t to say that that shouldn’t be criticized—i def think some of it should be, to an extent—but plenty of ppl had already been criticizing moshfegh for this before acl’s article, but the majority of ppl just didnt care at all bc at that point moshfegh was still popular and on social media she was the “super unhinged aesthetic girlboss woman writer” or whatever. it was only when a somewhat popular person said “man this stuff is Weird right guys” that ppl suddenly did a complete 180 and decided that they hated moshfegh bc she was Problematic Now I Guess. like, just a day ago the same ppl were talking abt how much they loved her bc she wrote abt “unhinged women” (a term im glad to see is finally dying out somewhat) and right after the alc article they acted like they were just. completely and totally blind to everything that was criticized, as if it wasnt literally in their faces the entire time, and now they’re totally dumping moshfeghs books bc the general consensus now is that shes Bad.

again i do think there are some aspects of moshfegh’s writing and some things shes said that should be criticized, im not saying shes like innocent or anything, im just saying its weird how ppl’s opinions seemed to flip on a dime overnight. it feels like no one even rlly had like. a real opinion of their own. they liked moshfegh bc ppl were pushing that “unhinged woman” persona onto her and everyone just loved that, but when one popular person is like “erm.. shes kinda problematic and talks abt shit a lot for some reason” ppl are so quick to hate her bc thats how they Should feel. i dont know i feel like a broken record but its just so weird to me. maybe im being biased bc i personally find alc and some of her opinions really weird & annoying, and i do enjoy ottessa moshfegh’s writing (though i also have my own complicated feelings abt it), but like. it still strikes me as unfair. i also found it a bit confusing how alc talked abt moshfegh’s fatphobia in her books but not abt the racism or the ableism, which were also two really big criticisms of her at the time. i dont have any particular horse in that race so i wont say more but like. if ur gonna write an entire article at least mention those two, like id say theyre pretty major

i also dont like the mindset that writing abt taboo or gross things like moshfegh does is inherently bad. now i Know that this wasnt the point alc was trying to make at all, but i feel like its something that ppl on booktok and booktwt or whatever seem to believe sometimes. sometimes ppl just write abt pathetic, bigoted, awful people and use “dirty” ways to describe things, moshfegh certainly isnt the first and she definitely wont be the last. again, i have my own criticisms of her and im not saying that she shouldn’t have been criticized for anything alc mentioned, bc i feel like that did need to be acknowledged a bit, but moshfegh’s unflinching approach to awful ppl and disgusting subjects and her swift and direct writing style is what drew me to her so much. alc wasnt rlly criticizing moshfegh for writing like this, in fact she was actually pretty complimentary abt it, but this was the sentiment that i saw a lot of “booktok” ppl having when they talked abt the article

i probably wont talk much abt alc anymore but like. abt her in general, its a shame bc i do think shes a Good Writer on an objective level. she knows how to word things eloquently and in interesting ways and how to structure her points and just how to Write Well. but i also just think shes annoying and her opinions on gender and transition just dont rub me the right way. i would go looking for those tweets she made and some paragraphs from her book “females”, but im lazy and im not gonna put in extra effort for this post that is basically just a stream of consciousness rant. but it feels like her whole philosophy around transness revolves soley around her personal experiences and how much she hates being trans. she calls another trans woman “a dumb blonde” in her book for acting feminine “in the way she should”, then goes onto say that someone’s personal identity and feelings abt their gender is “on its own, worthless” and that gender is something that “other people have to decide for you”, which is the only reason why ppl transition. she also made a tweet saying how, for political reasons, people replaced the term “real” women with “cis” women, and it wasnt said in a way that was criticizing that, it was said in a “well, this is just the way it is guys, nothing wrong with it, just face the truth” sort of way. there are a bunch of other things i found weird but honestly i formed my opinions abt her a long time ago so i cant remember it all, and again i cant be fucked to find anything right now. maybe if someone asks i’ll link to a couple articles criticizing her work

ANYWAY, back to books and how ppl treat stories abt anything disturbing or upsetting like theyre inherently bad. i think at some point i’m gonna read things have gotten worse since we last spoke. ive heard a lot of bad things abt it but unsurprisingly most of it was from booktok ppl who just. Didnt like that this horror book had horror in it, and that the horror was gross and disturbed them. i guess i cant fault them bc it probably just wasnt the sort of book theyre used to reading or like, which is fine, but dont make it seem like it’s a bug and not a feature. if it disturbed u then. like. it sort of succeeded? thats the point, its horror, it was advertised as gross and disturbing. its a shame bc from what ive heard abt it it seems like the exact kind of book id love, and the concept is so interesting to me. i guess i should hold my tongue before i read it but i feel like it gets a lot of undeserved hatred

#okok thats my rant #sorry that this was so long or if some of it didnt make any sense or wasnt worded well. i didnt rlly think much while writing this i just #-needed to dump my feelings abt this topic somewhere #txt

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tomitomitomi · 1 year

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tw // depression

sunshine, we don't belong here

we got no flowers to grow

everything makes me so sad lately. Or not sad, just exhausted, maybe both, probably both. It all seems so overwhelming, every little thing towers over me like a death sentence. I think I'm getting depressed again, not in like the quirky tiktok way but in the 'this cannot be ok' kinda way. I've been here before and I know how it feels, yet, I can't bring myself to talk about it. I don't want to admit it. I don't want people to know I'm back at it yet again. Do I have no cure? Sometimes I think not. Everything I feel, I feel too deeply, too strongly, and it just tires me so much. I'd be listening to a song and tears pile up, then I'd be staring at a cloud that it's too pretty and I'd become sad because I can't have the kind of life that it has. I know it sounds stupid, but I guess I'd like to be a concept of some kind. I was talking to Bunny about it today, I told her I'd like to be that feeling you get when you find a little rainbow on the wall or floor and its really nice. I'd like that warmth and simplicity. On the opposite, I know myself to be too fiery and complicated, not delicate in the slightlest.

I think i might be thinking about dying again. It's nothing too strong so I'm not very worried. Some days ago I read that trauma survivors simply enter this passive suicidal mood permanently, like it really never goes away. I don't know if it's true, it could perfectly be a lie, but I gues that's how I feel, too. I've been thinking about harming myself a little. Well I guess I've been even doing it, in very subtle ways. Like, i won't take a shower until I'm disgusted with myself, or I won't turn on the heating and instead let myself be freezing cold for a while. I've been eating lots until I make myself sick. I'm never hungry anymore and food has started to disgust me, but I keep eating, cause that's what I do. I'm so fat and huge that I can't tell if the shortness of breath comes from my size or from the crippling social anxiety that I try so hard to overcome. The only thing I know for sure is that everything makes it hard to breathe. Even thinking. Mostly thinking.

I've also started to scratch my skin more. I've been producing some wounds, nothing too big, nothing that would stand out. I don't consider any of these real self harm because I've been doing stuff like this for years. It's like, if I'm not cutting, then it's ok. And I'm not. I won't. Though I want it, but not too badly. I just toy with the idea every now and then. But it's been years, long years since I last did it and I just know that it would be devastating if I relapsed. I wouldn't be able to stop. It would all go to hell.

Maybe i'd be happier if I had any money, but I know that's also a bad thing to wish for. I'd spend all of it on useless shit and it wouldn't make me feel better, at least not for more than 15 minutes after the purchase. Then I think, 'I'd be fine if I was thin' but then again, I don't feel like I can do it and I'm too embarrassed to even try. I go trough possibilities like dealing a deck of cards, looking for possible reasons. Deep down I know it's just me. There's always a different reason but the constant it's that I'm just too filled with nothingness. It can be temporarily put away, but it never really goes away. It just fades and then comes back, and it's going to be like this until it isn't, because I won't be anymore, either.

I'm not saying I truly want to die or anything. It just makes me exhausted to know I'll have to deal with this time and time again for the rest of my life. It almost makes me wanna quit. I wouldn't, because I know happiness now, too, and I don't wanna lose it. I don't wanna lose my wife or my friends or my family. I don't wanna miss the stories I wouldn't be able to write or read. All the ugly drawings I wouldn't be able to work on.

It's hard cause my life is beautiful and I want to enjoy it so badly. And I even do, sometimes. Some days I really do, but then I ruin it. Or my brain does, i don't know, and it doesn't really matter. It's just fucking depressing to know you have it all going on for you and you're still a (literal) ball of sick, disgusting nothing.

#rant #tomi talks

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pacifymebby · 2 years

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Hey there I sent an anon (hopefully I remembered to put anon on because wow this is embarrassing 😭) about going out and seeing an old friend who’s much older than me (almost ten years) and is another old friends ex boyfriend and haha I’d like to apologize for that as I was quite drunk when I sent it in. I have no idea what I said in the anon but now that I’ve recuperated I’m like freaking out because I’m pretty sure I was really obvious about being into him. Other people we know were there and now I’m just mortified thinking I’ve made a fool out of myself and that he’s just a nice person and isn’t into me. Bestie if you have any advice it’d be greatly appreciated lol thank you

Hi there lovely I'm so sorry I'm only just replying to this!!! Went through a bit of a mood dip haha.

I got your last anon too and delayed replying because I actually wasn't sure how best to reply. It's hard to make a judgement without knowing how old you are if you know what I mean.

Cause see in my country legal is 16 and I'd say 16 and 30 is a big no, and like in America is it 18? And 18 and 30 is also probably a stay away.

HOWEVER I'm not going to tell you to stay away from a guy just because he's older. I really don't believe there's a cut off (other than legal cut off) that tells you whether or not you can date someone safely or not. If you're underage and they are pursuing you then obviously that's dangerous but that isn't the situation you're in.

Some people like older guys, I've a cousin who is 27 just now and marrying a man in his 50s who she genuinely really loves. It's a really healthy relationship and it would be so wrong to judge it just because he's older. They've been together since she was 22 as well i think.

Also it depends what kinda 30 year old he is, a lot of 30 year olds, whilst mature aren't like, ready to settle down get married have kids and lead like adult boring adult lives. If that makes sense? Essentially what I'm trying to get at is age doesn't necessarily mean that you won't be mentally and emotionally in tune with one another.

I'd say there are difficulties there sometimes, theres a small small age difference between me and B and like, I notice quite often I'm very neurotic and a little naive/emotionally immature in that, i get wounded by shit that isn't even intended to wound you know, like B won't hold my hand on a walk and I'll be like Omg This Is The Worst Day Of My Life We Are Doomed. When like, he's not holding my hand cause hes walking the dog and didn't think it would be convenient trying to hold onto both of us.

I know that sounds like a tangent but I guess I'm trying to say that being similar or different by a lot in age COULD mean that you're emotionally out of sync, but that also people always are and bejng close in age also can mean you are too sometimes. Its about knowing that you yourself are going to be able to navigate it and cope when you hit difficulties.

So that's my view on the age gap bit. Basically depending on how young you are and whether you feel like you're attracted to older/more emotionally mature or kind of, at a different stage in life people... (which again, I am. I have no desire to be with laddy youth boys that wanna go clubbing and that kind of stuff, like B gives off ultimate dad energy and his hobbies are growing veggies in the garden and watching twin peaks)

... Depends on whether you should go for it. If you like them and are into them and want to try it, based on age alone, go for it.

The other thing you mentioned does make it more complicated though, how close is the friend whose ex they are?

If this is one of your best friends you need to navigate it veryyyy carefully, and consider a) do you like this man enough to risk things being weird between you and your pal B) if things went weird would u lose your pal or him? Could you make things work keeping both?

You could talk to your friend first and maybe mention like that you might be into him... Also if they are a mate, and they broke up with this guy, this is the best way to find out if something bad happened between them and like, dodge a bullet.

If your pals mature though and they really are over him, and nothing bad happened between him and them, then they will probably be okay with this anyway? Idk, I think like, I have a friend that I once slept with/had a minor thing with, and if him and one of my friends got together (I'm lowkey rooting they will actually) I would be fine with it.

If they aren't that close a pal, and they've moved on and already have a new bf then idgaf, you get your man, go for it, it's whatever.

Honestly it's tricky and I get why you're awkward and thinking about it alot. I would be too.

Also right, no matter how obvious u think u made that shit, bestie probably didn't pick up on it and didn't notice. Men will quite often try to presume that everything is just a woman being friendly, because they don't want to make the mistake of overstepping a boundary or assuming a woman is into them. Like good guys anyway, will more likely brush any kind of hint you make off, especially a guy like that who is older than you.

I think you'll have to be confident and initiate this is you take it forward, if he's a decent guy he probably won't suddenly come onto you haha.

I know that sounds dumb but a lot of men who aren't total cunts have the fear that they will hurt/scare/offend a woman/ruin their friendship with a woman by misreading a signal.

Maybe you should just try and get coffee with him or hang out with him just you two, find an excuse like a gig or something, or just message like dya fancy going for a pint, something casual but where you get to be alone. It'll help you gauge what's actually going on idk.

Sorry I don't feel like I've been a lot of help x

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linghxr · 3 years

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A Guide to Taiwanese Name Romanization

Have you ever wondered why there are so many Changs when the surname 常 is not actually that common? Have you ever struggled to figure out what sound “hs” is? Well don’t worry! Today we are going to go over some common practices in transliterating names from Taiwan.

With some recent discussion I’ve seen about writing names from the Shang-Chi movie, I thought this was the perfect time to publishe this post. Please note that this information has been compiled from my observations--I’m sure it’s not completely extensive. And if you see any errors, please let me know!

According to Wikipedia, “the romanized name for most locations, persons and other proper nouns in Taiwan is based on the Wade–Giles derived romanized form, for example Kaohsiung, the Matsu Islands and Chiang Ching-kuo.” Wade-Giles differs from pinyin quite a bit, and to make things even more complicated, transliterated names don’t necessarily follow exact Wade-Giles conventions.

Well, Wikipedia mentioned Kaohsiung, so let’s start with some large cities you already know of!

[1] B → P 台北 Taibei → Taipei [2] G → K [3] D → T In pinyin, we have the “b”, “g”, and “d” set (voiceless, unaspirated) and the “p”, “k”, and “t” set (voiceless, aspirated). But in Wade-Giles, these sets of sounds are distinguished by using a following apostrophe for the aspirated sounds. However, in real life the apostrophe is often not used.

We need some more conventions to understand Kaohsiung. [4] ong → ung (sometimes) [5] X → Hs or Sh 高雄 Gaoxiong → Kaohsiung I wrote “sometimes” for rule #4 because I am pretty sure I have seen instances where it is not followed. This could be due to personal preference, historical reasons, or influence from other romanization styles.

Now some names you are equipped to read: 王心凌 Wang Xinling → Wang Hsin-ling 徐熙娣 Xu Xidi → Shu/Hsu Hsi-ti (I have seen both) 黄鸿升 Huang Hongsheng → Huang Hung-sheng 龙应台 Long Yingtai → Lung Ying-tai 宋芸樺 Song Yunhua → Sung Yun-hua

You might have learned pinyin “x” along with its friends “j” and “q”, so let’s look at them more closely. [6] J → Ch [7] Q → Ch 范玮琪 Fan Weiqi → Fan Wei-chi 江美琪 Jiang Meiqi → Chiang Mei-chi 郭静 Guo Jing → Kuo Ching 邓丽君 Deng Lijun → Teng Li-chun This is similar to the case for the first few conventions, where an apostrophe would distinguish the unaspirated sound (pinyin “j”) from the aspirated sound (pinyin “q”). But in practice these ultimately both end up as “ch”. I have some disappointing news.

[8] Zh → Ch Once again, the “zh” sound is the unaspirated correspondent of the “ch” sound. That’s right, the pinyin “zh”, “j”, and “q” sounds all end up being written as “ch”. This can lead to some...confusion. 卓文萱 Zhuo Wenxuan → Chuo Wen-hsuan 陈绮贞 Chen Qizhen → Chen Chi-chen 张信哲 Zhang Xinzhe → Chang Shin-che At least now you finally know where there are so many Changs. Chances are, if you meet a Chang, their surname is actually 张, not 常.

Time for our next set of rules. [10] C → Ts [11] Z → Ts [12] Si → Szu [13] Ci, Zi → Tzu Again we have the situation where “c” is aspirated and “z” is unaspirated, so the sounds end up being written the same. 曾沛慈 Zeng Peici → Tseng Pei-tzu 侯佩岑 Hou Peicen → Hou Pei-tsen 周子瑜 Zhou Ziyu → Chou Tzu-yu 黄路梓茵 Huang Lu Ziyin → Huang Lu Tzu-yin 王思平 Wang Siping → Wang Szu-ping

Fortunately this next convention can help clear up some of the confusion from above. [14] i → ih (zhi, chi, shi) [15] e → eh (-ie, ye, -ue, yue) Sometimes an “h” will be added at the end. So this could help distinguish some sounds. Like you have qi → chi vs. zhi → chih. There could be other instances of adding “h”--these are just the ones I was able to identify. 曾之乔 Zeng Zhiqiao → Tseng Chih-chiao 施柏宇 Shi Boyu → Shih Po-yu 谢金燕 Xie Jinyan → Hsieh Jin-yan 叶舒华 Ye Shuhua → Yeh Shu-hua 吕雪凤 Lü Xuefeng → Lü Hsueh-feng

Continuing on, a lot of the conventions below are not as consistently used in my experience, so keep that in mind. Nevertheless, it is useful to be familiar with these conventions when you do encounter them.

[16] R → J (sometimes) Seeing “j” instead of “r” definitely confused me at first. Sometimes names will still use “r” though, so I guess it is up to one’s personal preferences. 任贤齐 Ren Xianqi → Jen Hsien-chi 任家萱 Ren Jiaxuan → Jen Chia-hsüan 张轩睿 Zhang Xuanrui → Chang Hsuan-jui

[17] e → o (ke, he, ge) I can see how it would easily lead to confusion between ke-kou, ge-gou, and he-hou, so it’s important to know. I’ve never seen this convention for pinyin syllables like “te” or “se” personally. 柯震东 Ke Zhendong → Ko Chen-tung 葛仲珊 Ge Zhongshan→ Ko Chung-shan

[18] ian → ien [19] Yan → Yen I’ve observed that rule 18 seems more common than 19 because I see “yan” used instead of “yen” a fair amount. I’m not really sure why this is. 柯佳嬿 Ke Jiayan → Ko Chia-yen 田馥甄 Tian Fuzhen → Tien Fu-chen 陈建州 Chen Jianzhou → Chen Chien-chou 吴宗宪 Wu Zongxian → Wu Tsung-hsien

[20] Yi → I (sometimes) I have seen this convention not followed pretty frequently, but two very famous names are often in line with it. 蔡英文 Cai Yingwen → Tsai Ing-wen 蔡依林 Cai Yilin → Tsai I-lin

[21] ui → uei I have seen this convention used a couple times, but “ui” seems to be much more common. 蔡立慧 Cai Lihui → Tsai Li-huei

[22] hua → hwa This is yet another convention that I don’t always see followed. But I know “hwa” is often used for 华 as in 中华, so it’s important to know. 霍建华 Huo Jianhua → Huo Chien-hwa

[23] uo → o This is another example of where one might get confused between the syllables luo vs. lou or ruo vs. rou. So be careful! 罗志祥 Luo Zhixiang → Lo Chih-hsiang 刘若英 Liu Ruoying → Liu Jo-ying 徐若瑄 Xu Ruoxuan → Hsu Jo-hsuan

[24] eng → ong (feng, meng) I think this rule is kinda cute because some people with Taiwanese accents pronounce meng and feng more like mong and fong :) 权怡凤 Quan Yifeng → Quan Yi-fong

[25] Qing → Tsing I am not familiar with the reasoning behind this spelling, but 国立清华大学 in English is National Tsing Hua University, so this spelling definitely has precedence. But I also see Ching too for this syllable. 吴青峰 Wu Qingfeng→ Wu Tsing-fong

[26] Li → Lee Nowadays a Chinese person from the Mainland would probably using the Li spelling, but in other areas, Lee remains more common. 李千那 Li Qianna → Lee Chien-na

[27] Qi → Chyi I have noticed this exception. However, I’ve only personally noticed it for this surname, so maybe it’s just a convention for 齐. 齐秦 Qi Qin → Chyi Chin 齐豫 Qi Yu → Chyi Yu

[28] in ←→ ing In Taiwanese Mandarin, these sounds can be merged, so sometimes I have noticed ling and lin, ping and pin, etc. being used in place of each other. I don’t know this for sure, but I suspect this is why singer A-Lin is not A-Ling (her Chinese name is 黄丽玲/Huang Liling).

[29] you → yu I personally haven’t noticed these with other syllables ending in “ou,” only with the “you” syllable. 刘冠佑 Liu Guanyou → Liu Kuan-yu 曹佑宁 Cao Youning → Tsao Yu-ning

There is a lot of variation with these transliterated names. There are generally exceptions galore, so keep in mind that all this is general! Everyone has their own personal preferences. If you just look up some famous Taiwanese politicians, you will see a million spellings that don’t fit the 28 conventions above. Sometimes people might even mix Mandarin and another Chinese language while transliterating their name.

Anyway, if any of you know why 李安 is romanized as Ang Lee, please let me know because it’s driving me crazy.

Note: The romanized names I looked while writing this post at were split between two formats, capitalizing the syllable after the hyphen and not capitalizing this syllable. I chose to not capitalize for all the names for the sake of consistency. I’m guessing it’s a matter of preference.

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system-of-a-feather · 2 years

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How does that work? A fiancé that is. Do like all of you date him, or just the one? I genuinely do not know how it works.

I was laughing over how I got a couple of asks about DID from the curious Moon Knight fandom and had to show him this and he wanted me to reply with a joking "I'm Mormon so I'm okay with having multiple wives (acceptable misgendering for the joke)" which he is not but- obligatory had to pass it on.

It really actually isn't that complicated in my opinion? Maybe I've just gotten really used to it and a lot of my peers that I talk to online also have DID or are partners with someone with DID, but its really just like having individual relationships with different people.

Some of our parts are dating him, some of our parts see him as a life partner / platonic partner, some of us have unclear relationships, some of us have fwb dynamics, and some of our child parts see him something like a big brother / dad of sorts. He pretty much gets to know each part and respects the parts as individuals and at this point into the relationship (6~ years) - and having been 4 years into active treatment for DID with him here - its almost like he is part of the system itself from our perspective.

Plus he has actually gotten amazingly well at identifying each part by simple facial expressions, ways the body is held, minor pitch changes, word choices, snickers, laughs, smiles, and he can pretty much decently accurately guess who is out from far away which is frustrating but really wholesome.

I was the main one that he started dating at first and then it was a blur of like, parts unofficially interacting / talking with him since we didn't know we had DID properly at the time, and then some other parts that formally knew him interacting and all that. Over the 6~ years each part has a unique dynamic with him and its pretty chill. Sometimes he helps facilitate communication between each of us or helps mediate conflict. Like one of my parts has been having a hard time with trauma, dysphoria, and depression to the point he hasn't really had the ability to have the energy to take out the guitar from the bag and set it up which is one of his larger which he commented to our fiance - and he later, when he heard I was out - he reminded / suggested that I should go set that up for him since I can.

He's great and a real amazing help and honestly couldn't ask for anyone better to be my significant other. Things kinda suck cause we are on and off again long distance due to college so we only get to physically be around each other during breaks, but theoretically we should be almost done with that so hopefully we can move in together soon.

Honestly dating with DID really isn't that hard or complex if you have a partner that is good with communication, understanding, mature (in like, responsibility, I would die before I called my fiance mature in personality, he makes fart and poop jokes regularly), and just generally a good reliable person. Its a very different / atypical relationship dynamic, but its a very enjoyable dynamic for the both of us.

If you are curious on more, I have tagged in the past some previous posts / asks about DID and relationships over here in my relationships tag. A lot of it is probably outdated so do take it with a grain of salt since I haven't heavily used this blog for like a year and a half - but there might be some things that might interest you.

...

oh and I was looking in the tags from two or three years ago (we have like 18 parts, he knows and interacts with about half of them) when my fiance was taking asks though this blog and someone asked what it is like to date us and his reply was

"It’s like dating someone who is wonderful and awesome who has 7 identical twins that they swap with intermittently and you have to be able to tell the difference between them all because not all of them see you in that way

Also one is British for some reason so that makes figuring it out easier

It is also a lot of letting [them] vent into the void of messenger and realizing whatever I’m going to say isn’t gonna do too much to help” -Fiance

-Riku (Host)

#alter: riku #ask #asks #relationships #relationship #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #did #poop tw #fart tw #Mormon tw

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hyukmoon · 3 years

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moon. | l.sy x gn!reader

lee sangyeon x gn!reader

word count: about 4.01k

to put it short: congrats! Something you should actually say, right? Your best friend and crush is getting married in two days and you feel,... well, not very good about it. So, wait... he's returning the feelings? Damn.

content warning: ANGST in capital letters, I would add lots of exclamation points but im lazy. So yeah, hella angsty. Some good old making out, it's kind of heavy at some point but no smut at this point lol. I don't condone any of the done actions, so yeah, I would've personally handled everything differently, but you know, y/n is kinda wild. Very awkward sometimes, but that's more the situation in itself. ALSO, NOT PROOFREAD

taglist: @loki-in-hogwarts

note: the second thing i wrote and im somewhat excited!!! Yes! Exclamation points. So,... thanks for reading :)

It was a great day. Well, at least seemingly for everyone but you. Your best friend in this world Sangyeon was about to get married to the love of his life, who is notyou and now you just stand in the hotel lobby waiting for it to happen. Funnily enough, the crushing feeling of desperation and fear didn’t seem to set in yet.

The hotel lobby was filled to the brim with acquaintances and other guests possibly confused by the uproar of the wedding guests. So, who were you specifically waiting for? The rest of your friend group, the ones who will most likely clean up after the wedding whatever will be left of you.

A nervous smile swept up to your lips, casually just avoiding every sort of tension that could come across you. Just with the luck of this entire occurrence an older woman started to approach you, demon alike features spreading around her face almost like she knew you were apparently the only single person here. An aunty, that wasn’t even related to you but had all the business to judge.

“Are you here for the bride or the groom?”, her sweet voice rang a familiar feeling in your stomach. Almost too sweet, making you suspicious of her intent. “I’m here for my best friend, Sangyeon. So, yeah, for the groom.”, you hesitated a second, “What about you though? Do you know the bride?”

“She’s my youngest niece, the only one that still visits, her sisters don’t even care anymore…” You nodded politely, not wanting to anger her now and stepped towards a different direction.

“So, my dear, are you here with anybody?” You already feared that question, the same as always. The eyes of yours started with a panicked expression searching through the room a familiar pair. “No, I am here on my own. I kinda wanted to focus on getting Sangyeon through with it, being there for him.” As a friend.

Possibly this was the first part of feeling despair and fear. People at this wedding were really waiting for them to get married. They weren’t joking, this would change everything.

“Ah, I see. You know, get over him. Well, it is time for you at least, you’re not getting younger. There are quite few handsome men here. I remember the names Juyeon and ah yes! Kevin, get over here!” As far as you were concerned, your facial expression couldn’t possibly look more stunned than a moment ago, yet another one of your good friends appeared, seemingly just as confused.

This only held on for a good second, Kevin knew exactly what to do. “Oh hi, I’m so sorry to steal [Y/N] away from you, but I actually need to talk to them on my own over a gift we both prepared for the couple!”, he grinned at the lady, who was obviously smitten with him. “Yes, of course, hun. Take your time.” She finally hushed into a separate direction.

“So, how are we doing? You seem kinda… stressed.”

“You don’t say”, you sighed, “if I have to go through a conversation like this again today, believe me I’ll-. “

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I get the sentiment. Even though I meant more the other situation. Like in, Sangyeon getting married and you sitting here all grumpy because of it.”, Kevin was already aware of your “small” infatuation with your best friend, a man too far out of your reach also funnily enough, the man’s wedding you’re attending. However, your friend in front of you didn’t seem to mind talking about it out loud in a place like the hotel lobby. Your lips tightened up into a fine line.

“I’m not grumpy! I just…I don’t really know what to do. I mean, I know I’m going to be there for him but yeah, okay, I might feel a bit grumpy.” The lobby did clear up a lot now.

“Okay, oof. There’s this dinner with everyone in the evening today, do you think you can get through that?”, Kevin asked hesitantly just as stressed with this additional complication.

“I mean, I probably have to, don’t I? This makes me so sick, ugh. Not gonna lie, my stomach feels like a laundry machine.” You laughed quietly and drifted off again into a place where you didn’t need to think about this.

“What did you really expect though? You know I love you, respectfully, but like, this feels like an incredibly bad move to do.”

“Don’t you think it would be worse if I didn’t show up at all? I’ll just need to go through this weekend and I’m outta here. No one will know anything.” It might feel like a nightmare but at least a nightmare you can actually run away from and not actually have to face at some point.

“Well, I hope you’ll keep your confidence. Because imagine I saw the person, I love getting married to someone else. Oh my, believe me, you wouldn’t find me for the next three weeks.”

“Not very helpful, a good three out of ten. I guess, I’ll just stick to sulking around then.” A dead smile crept up your lips following a stern look from your side at your opposite.

“Seems like a good plan, just stick to me, maybe we will find someone to take your attention away from this, huh?” A sly grin was visible on Kev’s face.

“Ughhh, of course. Let’s do this. It can’t get much worse than that”, you cleared your throat, “thanks, though. You actually make this here somewhat bearable.”

“Awww, come on. We should pack out our suitcases.”

No one can really prepare someone for a moment like this. Most older folk turned into their hotel rooms which left you in a party like situation seeing your closest friends turning it up in a huge pavilion while the future groom sits comfortably on a velvety sofa hand in hand with his fiancée.

The air was quite warm even at this time of the evening, not humid, just warm enough for everyone to taste the end of this era with nostalgia and a slight feeling of energy to experience what’s to come afterwards.

You as well sat down, continuously processing your environment. With a cup of your favorite drink, you felt invincible, nothing able to shake you down.

Now while this wasn’t a preferred environment, this was manageable; you could look your best friend into his eyes and proudly congratulate him on his wedding. You would be able to get over this and continue to be a great friend. Black hair with an intense facial expression made its way into your viewpoint along with a somewhat tipsy Kevin. Simultaneously the lighter hair of your best friend fought his way through the crowd.

Lee Sangyeon, the man lighting up your mood with simple touch of his fingertips was now signalizing for you to head outside towards the veranda of the pavilion. He exuded patience, yet clearly waiting for a response of you. You nodded and brushed cautiously over your evening attire.

“Hii, [Y/N]! Can I introduce this someone to you? This is Juyeon, he might look a bit intense, but he’s really nice to talk to! So, I’m gone for a sec then!” Kevin started drifting off into a different direction where you stopped him in his tracks.

“Could this wait? Sangyeon needs to talk to me. I think it’s important, I’ll come back though in a bit!” You gifted both of them an apologetic face and made your way around the men towards the going to be groom.

Surely it wasn’t exactly clear why he wanted to speak to you, especially on his own. He was still waiting for you after all.

“[Y/N]! What has it been? Like three? Four months? I missed you so much.”, Sangyeon pulled you into his chest abruptly and sighed softly into your shoulder. Engulfed entirely in his figure you never wanted to wake up from this again. Was it now 10 seconds? 15 seconds? Neither he nor you really seemed to let go, taking in all the scents of his that were formerly familiar to you.

“Yeah, I think so. You were probably busy planning this all and I just had to work, I guess.” Trying to keep it short was your main goal, appearing distant maybe. He didn’t mind at all though. Not discouraged from continuing this conversation Sangyeon pointed at the veranda, showing the only speck of space with little to no crowd.

The veranda was close to closed off to the party. Non distinguishable palm trees in the far distance were playing right into your cards for not having to look into his eyes. Magnetically glowing, that’s how he appeared. All happy and smiley about the obvious luck he was experiencing. Now again, he sat down with you in the beach chairs without loosing a word.

“The palm trees are so pretty. You remember me wanting to buy some new plants?”, you tried to invite him to the conversation.

“You always want to buy new plants, which time do you mean?” Sangyeon grinned to himself. “You know what? It’s so weird. Everything feels still so unreal. This wedding, also you at my wedding… So weird.”

“I am literally your best friend, where else should I be? Your funeral? At home? Who else is going to charm the hotel staff for some free capri suns and new towels?” Your mouth crinkled up and you let out a soft laugh.

“[Y/N] … You know exactly what I mean!”

“Noo, not at all. I’m so confused right now, not gonna lie.” Your face finally moved towards his direction, seeing his gentle gaze resting on you.

“Do you remember when we were still in school, and we promised each other we would marry each other if we didn’t find anybody else?” His gaze got more intense with each sentence.

“Yeahh, kind of. I was probably tired and it’s like ten years ago. I’m not really sure what you’re trying to tell me.”

“I really thought I was going to marry you. For several years, actually.”, he laughed. “I had such a crush on you and then you met your s/o and all that. Ughh, it seemed so complicated back then. Kind of weird to think about what could have happened if I did ask you out or something.”

“True.”, you turned away again standing up and resting against the wooden railing of the pavilion. “But you didn’t so, let’s just drop it there.” The weather as well started rebelling a bit, the wind hugging your figure slightly too tight for your taste.

“Why are you so cold all of a sudden?”, he whispered closely behind you.

“Well, you’re getting married tomorrow. And you’re telling me about a crush you had on me?”, you croaked.

“I was just being nostalgic, I thought this would be fine with you.” Sangyeon appeared now next to you on the railing, waiting for you to face his concerned dark eyes.

“It isn’t for me. It just feels wrong.”

“What feels so wrong about it? It was a long time ago.”

It is here, the bitterness. Bitterness shouldn’t even be the correct term, the pain of your heart going into a slump didn’t feel like a fitting word. Being reminded again that you will never have a chance again.

“Wait or is it not a long time ago for you?”, The voice of his tried to word his next sentence very carefully.

“I went out with them because I thought you were joking. Then when I thought about you, it was always different. It was too late though, you met her.” Only the close ocean along with the wind were hearable, neither you nor he were able to form another thought put into a sentence.

“You could’ve told me. I would’ve-.”

“Broken up with her?”

“No, I-.”

“Then what could you have done?”, you interrupted Sangyeon’s rambling, trembling while speaking. Terribly spiteful with a bite that wasn’t too often dripping down your lips.

“This.” Sangyeon pressed a fluttery kiss against your lips. Slender fingers tapped onto the skin right under your chin, signalizing you to look at him.

The now much calmer atmosphere made you snake your arms around his torso. Heat rose towards your head, longing after a second out in the cold again just to see his lovely facial expression. Your lips broke off and touched once more in an almost hypnotic fashion.

His hot breath started sliding downwards your cheek to your neck, physically making you unable to resist his entrancing presence. Also his hands broached over from your face down to your waist, holding you with the lightest touch.

Sangyeon’s lips darted away from yours, catching you staring deeply into his eyes. The silence felt warm now as well, filled with the slow and recovering breath of the participants.

“[Y/N], I think I still feel that way.”, a rosy blush swept over the man’s face you wanted to hear say these things so many times and so long ago.

“No. No. No. You shouldn’t! I shouldn’t either! I have to go.” The reality of the situation caught up to you. This was bad. Incredibly bad. Still the disgusting feeling of hope within this made its way up to your head. Stinging alongside the feeling of remorse, you didn’t think clearly, especially now, next to him.

You darted in the fastest way possible from the pavilion up to the hotel to your room, leaving him there.

Today should be the final day. The hopes that already should have been buried a long time ago, crawled up again and clawed its way into your mind. What if he leaves her for you today? Like in those unrealistic rom coms. Yes, again, it was unrealistic.

Leaving her at the altar and running after you. While all those thoughts of hope and wishes came together you found yourself with a stomachache. His fiancée was an incredibly nice person, sweet and kind along with being a beauty. You shouldn’t even dare to think about Sangyeon that way anymore, she deserved a lot more. Quite honestly, you felt pathetic. Who were you to run into their possible future?

Just because of a simple brush over the lips, his eyes staring into yours like no one else existed but you and his soft hands delicately touching your waist. A tap on your shoulder put you out of your trance, “[Y/N]? Can you go up to Sangyeon’s room? He asked for you.” Kevin’s eyes glanced at you with uncertainty. Neither you nor he knew why he wanted to see you.

Even more importantly, why did he need to see you alone? This seemed like dangerous territory after, basically yesterday. Agony rose again, what if he really was going to leave her?

“Sure, I don’t know why he wants to see me again though.”, you said and left to see the groom’s room. You stumbled more and more over every step closer to the door of the man who’s going to rip your heart and air out of your lungs. The normally soft laid out carpet felt in this moment like you were stepping barefoot over glass. There was the door, brightly painted in eggshell paired with the digits of the hotel room.

Before you could reach the door to knock on it, light brown waves greeted your overtly surprised face.

“You clean up well.”, Sangyeon’s rang in your ears clearer than freshly hung-up laundry in your nose. His previously concerned face curled up into a faint smile.

“Same goes for you”, you tried your best to hide the very apparent frog in your throat, “So, why do you need me?”

“Just needed to see you before going out there, I guess.”, his voice got a lot quieter. It got silent.

Not sure if a said word was necessary, you plopped down on a small, velvety stool. Every whisper was to be heard. An otherness surrounded Sangyeon, like he wasn’t there anymore, and his thoughts took over his being. You scooted closer towards him, just wanting to see him up close for the last time like this, smelling his earthy cologne from this distance.

“Why are you doing this to me?”, your voice went close to hoarse after the question. He was just as silent as before. No sound, nothing. This torment of a weekend was supposed to end with no gratification, not feeling free from this feeling on your chest? Your hand slid over his, the most desperate attempt to get his attention while also experiencing his touch again. Sangyeon jerked his hand back and returned to his absent posture.

“Why do you want to hurt me like this? I am your best friend, and you use me like I’m nothing.” The lack of power you had now made you sink down to the beige teddy carpet. Small tears started swelling up in your nearly dry eyes, kind of contradictory, yet the more tear drops rolled down your cheeks the rottener and hollow you felt.

“You were my best friend until you-.”, he stopped midsentence, “made me feel things again I didn’t need, I didn’t want.” Also his face was wet, ridden with tears making his usually calm and cheerful persona look like a painful insult.

“You asked me here. It hurts, Sangyeon. I can’t make it stop hurting, I don’t know what to do”, you reached for him again, “Could I ever be enough for you?” He returned your former attempts to stroke your face. Cornering both of you, the air trapped you in the toxins of heartbreak and hopelessness.

Once again, Sangyeon’s hand glid over your soft skin and halted on your face. Glaringly staring into each other’s eyes, you were there again. The day before, yesterday. Close to baring the soul of each person present.

“[Y/N], it’s not about being enough. It never has been. I have made a commitment I already broke, I…I can’t do this”, he sighed, “you know I love her.”

“I thought you loved me as well.” Overwhelming nothingness overruled you, almost scaring you about this reaction. You weren’t crying, yelling nor having any physical reaction at all. It was convincingly numb; the resting hurt would come later. Sangyeon’s head dropped in the dip of your shoulder and neck.

This sort of closeness would never happen again. You feeling him breathing into you while having his comforting heartbeat close to yours.

“I do, but I can’t do this to her. I would never do this to her.”, he whispered into your shoulder. A sigh came from his side.

“Then, please. Kiss me, for the last time.” The last part of the sentence left a disgustingly bitter taste in your mouth. This was over, right? His head, which was formerly resting on your shoulder, drifted up and towards yours. Also his expression blank and hollow, like he didn’t know anything.

For the last time, his hands cupped your face in a comfortable manner. As always, he felt homely, but he surely wasn’t yours ever. Not even waiting a good second or two, the light brunette’s face came closer to yours. With no hesitation both of your lips touched tenderly, releasing every sort of affection that could be expressed at that second. You inhaled again his intoxicating scent, in the hopes of having him all over you. His now reddened lips moved closer towards your jawline making you gasp for air.

Also, you weren’t completely still, constantly shifting your hands up and down over his torso upwards his neck, desperately feeling everything, you can for the last time. Sangyeon’s locks tickled you softly while he suddenly latched his mouth onto your neck right below your ear.

“No. Please, I just want a kiss on my lips.”, you said lowly, closely resembling a whine afterwards. He complied pretty quickly, leaving you with no thought but him tickling your bottom lip with his warm tongue. With him being this fast, you didn’t want to keep him on his toes. Entirely engaged in this moment, hands surprised you again on your waist, wandering closer and closer under the blouse you were wearing. You moaned into the kiss, making him take the opportunity to maneuver his tongue into your mouth.

Similarly to you, he was also stunned for a short moment when you grabbed up onto some strands of hair. A sigh left his now plump lips, a need of fresh air arrived onto both of you. Yet this was short lived, his hands captured your chin and attached his lips again onto yours in a matter of mere seconds. A bell rang, close footsteps to be heard across the floor reminding you of the situation you were in.

“Why am doing this? I am so sorry.”, you broke off his lips and took a step backwards at the door.

“[Y/N], we both did this, and it won’t happen again. We just need some time without each other. I think it would be for the best if we don’t spend time together alone anymore.”

“Are you doing what I think you’re doing? I don’t know what to say. I-.”, His lips captured yours again fast with a lot more force behind his kiss.

A strong arm shut the about to be opened door again and hovered over your head. The other one caught grabbed your chin with an almost contradictory feeling to it, the lightest touch just to shove you into his direction. You sighed into his lips, waiting for him to commit with his tongue one more time. Buttery lips pressed against yours and clang inside your mouth. Fiercely did your tongues meet, ending with him sucking on yours. Wet cheeks batting against each other with no intent of separating, your movement still came to a halt.

“You know what? I hate this. I want you to be happy, then if it is with her, I will just y’know…go or uhm mind my business.”, you slurred the last part. It wasn’t really one of your most prideful moments. Still flushed with tears and embarrassment you dropped again against the room door.

“I ask for one condition though,” incredibly hearse was your voice after the crying and even more so because of your follow up, “I do not not want to see you for some time, I don’t want to have to see your face ever again.” Tears weren’t anymore swelling up in your eyes, they never seemed to stop running down with no chance of leaving this conversation with an ounce of self-respect and pride.

It wasn’t even really much of a problem to leave him behind for a bit, it most likely would be for the best anyway, yet while his words should only leave a small mark and feel like a ripped off band aid, you felt alone. A sense of loneliness crept stealthily into you leaving you with nothing but a severe feeling of dread.

“If that is what you want, I’ll respect that.” The room got quieter till you heard the last of his words: “Of course, I still want you in on my wedding though, you’re still my best friend.” Sangyeon’s usual soft and kind smile appeared on his face, seemingly reaching you an olive branch. The former assertiveness and confidence drained through the conversation; you were nothing but a wreck.

“Alright, I’ll be there.”

The ceremony was beautiful. Fairy like flowers were hung all across the beach space, making the place more surreal than it was to begin with. Everything light with a hint of light green and an even lighter lavender tone. The air seemed to have evaporated all the tension and sadness from your face. All across the seats were relatives and friends sitting with a nervously happy face. Ironically, he really thought it was going to be you someday.

“You’re [Y/N], right? Everyone always tried to introduce me to you. Now we’re sitting next to each other at Sangyeon’s wedding together! I’m Juyeon by the way.”

#lee sangyeon x reader #sangyeon x reader #lee sangyeon #sangyeon #tbz #tbz fic #tbz angst #the boyz fic #the boyz #the boyz au #the boyz scenarios #sangyeon x you #sangyeon x y/n #the boyz x reader #sangyeon tbz #the boyz kevin #the boyz juyeon #moon kevin #lee juyeon

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simluvbot · 3 years

Text

Enhypen as dates they would take you on <3

tags: gn!reader, established relationship au, fluff, bf! enha

members: all members !!

wc: 400-800ish for each member ?? this is very long uh I’m sorry I got carried away

a/n: hi, welcome to my first piece of writing on this blog 😁😁 I tried to write so that these matched the members and their personalities the most! Also as this is my first post any interaction is so cherished 🥺 but anyways,, I hope you enjoy :D

open to read

Heeseung

he would take you to so many fun places!!

Your dates would consist of going bowling together, theme parks, a walk in the park — you can count on having a fun time with heeseung!

He would just want to impress you );

He’s be always so attentive to you and remember even the littlest of details about you

You’d be in a shop together looking around and he’ll tap your shoulder, showing you a lace shirt that you instantly fall in love with

It’s just your style!

You’d ask him how he knew you would like it, to which he would simply mumble with, “you told me a few months ago that you like shirts like this.”

You’d just stand in shock like :ooo

Not even you remember telling him that ):

Please he loves you so much, if it’s something that you tell him you like or don’t like, he’ll immediately store it in his memory! He wants to know so much more about you 🥺

Your dates are definitely what you look forward to whenever you see him!!

As much as you love fun day outs with him, you also love your chiller night dates at him <3

Meeting each other late at night after practice? A must!! No way can you let your hee go home alone when he’s the last leaving the practice room after a long day ):<

You would often surprise him by showing up at belift at ungodly hours, and as much as he would scold you with a light frown for coming to see him when it’s already half past midnight,,

You still always catch that small little smile he has whenever you do surprise him hehe

to be aware of just the fact that youre there? is enough for him. you ground him and its especially those spontaneous dates youll throw upon him and inevitably show him without the words uttered that you care for him and you love him?

those are secretley his fave (: but he doesnt have to tell you that - youve already guessed :D

But at the same time on those late night after-practice dates he just wants to make sure that you’re not staying up too late all the time just to make sure he’s doing okay after practice, his y/nnie needs their sleep too ):

And what you’ll do together? Eat ramen of course!!

Although these little late night dates with him usually dont last no longer than an hour, he still treasures them so dearly in his heart ):

Hee sometimes needs a lot of love and assurance, even if he doesn’t mention it

And you’re the best at making him feel better instantly 🥺

but we seriously cant forget about your daytime dates too! each date of yours is always filled with so so many jokes and giggles that your hearts burn with longing for the other whenever you part ways ):

i can see that he’ll even store the memory of your dates even weeks after they’ve happened - he’ll store those memories of you; all in his heart (and the polaroid he took of you in the back of his phonecase 😳) and tucked close.

Jake

as for dates, to me he seems the type to be into really spontaneous and random things!! He’d love going somewhere fun or just simply randomly travelling with you without a destination!

He especially loves to sneak out of the dorm late at night and meet you at you and his favourite park.

It’s located at the top of a really tall hill, and you’ll both spend hours sitting on the swings, chatting away with little care for the rest of the world or the time as you both simply giggle at each other’s jokes and contentedly talk about anything and everything; watching the city lights glow from hundreds of metres below you

He’d offer you his jacket when the temperature drops by a few degrees suddenly

You’d be like no!! It’s okay you should also stay warm, I’m okay 🥺

But then because he is such a sweetheart he’d huff and sit next to you on the swing, making the single-seater far too cramped as he tries to supply you with his body heat if that’s the only way that you’ll accept not freezing to death 😠

But then you’ll both slip due to there not being enough space for both of you on the wing, and your both fall flat down on your butts lmao

You’d both freeze, staring at each other blankly on the floor

but then you’d both crack up and laugh for the longest time — hushing each other in-between giggles from the fear of maybe you were being a bit too loud and could wake some people up?

But then you’d both fall into giggling messes once again as you blame each other for causing the other to fall down ):

You’d eventually sit together huddled on a bench, sitting in silence and simply staring out at seoul’s twinkling night lights as you share his leather jacket: heavy and warm as it drapes across you and his’ shoulders

But eventually you’d both finally head home! — your eyelids soon growing too heavy and both of you afraid of accidentally falling asleep at a park at 1am lmfao

idk why but i can just see a lot of late-night dates with jake,, such as

baking cookies together at 1am???? probably has happened twice already in your relationship aha 😁

honestly you both spend so much time together casually that you end up arguing on whether that time where he randomly showed up at your house wanting to make relationship bracelets together was really a date or not lmao

he is also so <3 so incredibly sweet too though uGH. he is a sweetheart and like heeseung he will remember every little detail of you which will be useful for when he comes up with more date ideas in the future (

on dates such as eating at a restaurant together he will always bring you flowers like the gentleman he is.

it’s kinda funny because when youre both on a date together alone with no other people around you both become complete crackheads

but when meeting in front of others he acts so mature and serious suddenly lmao ??

but honestly he just trusts and loves you so so much that he doesnt even feel like he needs to act a certain way or try to become someone complteley different on a date just to impress you

but its okay because you love the duality of jake sim <3

someone get me him pls. i want one </3

Jay

With jay, shopping dates ??? yes of course (;

he’d simply love taking you out either down a road with many well-known clothing brands or maybe even the mall, entering several clothing stores with you

he never mentions it, but its obvious how much he simply adores seeing you wear the clothes he picks out for you :D

oh and matching couple outfits are obviously always chosen whenever you go out on these fashion dates!!

he will pick out a selection of items he thinks will look good on you, and - to admit it to himself: he does a pretty good damn job

tell me why this boy will get so flustered whenever he sees you walk out of the changing room,, looking so pretty in what he chose for you ??

he’d also one day surprise you on a date with matching couple bracelets :D

you’ll get so excited and he’ll get so shy and try to hide his smile as you compliment how good his sense of style is !! and as much as he denies the fact that he’s blushing you luckily do manage to snap some pics as evidence of the rosy colour in his cheeks hehe

and especially earlier on in the relationship, he’ll always try his best and prepare cute little dates for you both )): and the members would tease him to DEATH for how unbelievably soft and considerate he is when doing things for you when he is so cranky towards them lmfao

chill dates (:

walking in the park together, getting ice cream, going for late night drives and listening to music together </3 with jay it never has to be complicated

Just as long as he gets to be with you, talk with you and touch you then that’s more than enough for him (: he just likes to be in your company

and Idk why I can just see this but he wILL have playground dates with you. dont question it

Because like ?? hanging out on the swings or climbing frame of a kids park at 11PM when there’s no one else there but you both?? Talking and swinging quietly next to each other? very romantic to me hmm

Yes <3

he will stare at you as he silently swings a back and forth a little; brushing the hair out of your face and looking at you with so so much love in his eyes it’s unbelievable

he especially loves just relaxing with you. watching a show on the tv together while cuddling and staying close to each other is something he loves

hearing your giggles and listening to you talk while engaging in teasing banter where he’ll pretend to think the things you say are stupid by scoffing and rolling his eyes when in reality his heart is swelling and he’s trying so hard not to laugh at how cute you are?

shut UP

those are definitely one of his favourite types of dates with you

he’ll constantly try to impress you and will be willing to try so many different things with you

i can see him as either being openly interested about going on typical couple dates together such as painting or eating at romantic restaurants,, or every time you mention something of the sort he’ll be groaning at yet another mention of the ‘couple bucket list’ you had created lol

but actually he’s secretly really excited for that couple mug-painting session you booked for you both. but he will never tell you that 😳

in conclusion, with jay it really never has to be something complex for you both to enjoy your dates <3 he just loves being in your company, even if its one of those nights where you both share no words between the cuddling and content sighs and various little soft kisses he presses to your forehead.

sunghoon

with sunghoon gOSH

whatever you two get up to, it’d be so so soft and gentle and perfect and just ):

he would always ask the members what to take you out on as a date and you bet his naver search history would consist of questions like ‘what does my s/o like’ and ‘where should i take out my partner on a date’ lmao

he just wants to make you happy and comfy ):

dates with him are usually really cute!! Like going to cafes, going ice skating etc!

But you’d also love those dates at home with him, giggling shyly as you both sit together and watch a film 🥺

he LOVES those dates! he always gets so shy whenever he comes over and it takes him a little while to get comfortable enough with you to even hold your hand pls

So when he one day pulls you in closer from where you’re sitting side by side on the couch,, bringing you closer and tucking you under his arm ??

You’re so so surprised, and you feel your heart clench a little at how gentle he is with you and how he’s finally opening up ):

And from then on,, he only will become more and more comfortable with you!!! To the point where he’ll start pouting a lil when you don’t snuggle up next to him on the sofa like you usually do );

So cuddle dates with hoon? Yes you bet they’re his fave!!

and then when its quickly approaching your 100 days anniversary, he’ll be wracking his brains for so long trying to decide what to do for you

but then it will hit him like a light bulb switching on!

he’ll suddenly remember you mentioning this specific thing that you really liked and would want to do one day, and guess what he would plan for u both!!

he’d prepare 💔💔 a picnic 💔💔 for you 💔💔

ugh youre so lucky

he’d text you the day before your anniversary telling you to expect to go on a date with him the day after and to dress up prettily :D

he’d wake up super early on the day of the date, preparing all of your favourite foods and meals into a cute lil basket ):

and when you finally both meet at a really rEALLY pretty secluded area that you somehow had no idea existed despite you living in the area for so long - you’d maybe start tearing up??

because your boyfriend is so so sweet and you never saw this coming from him at all ):

and he’d just stand there shyly in front of the picnic he set up, hand at the back of his head and looking down; cute lil blush tainting his cheeks from how nervous he is!

but then you’d run over and give him a big, big hug, exxclaiming how much you appreciate what he did for you and how youre so so incredibly sorry for not bringing him something as well to celebrate your anniversary (you were dying inside fo guilt please!! how could u forget to get him something when he went out of his way like this for you )): )

but he’d simply shake his head, smiling and not minding at all

because if he gets to see you happy, gets to see those twinkling eyes of yours that just stare up at him with so so much love before bringing him in for a sweet kiss - then he simply doesnt mind at all.

r u crying at this like i am lol

sunoo

sunoo absoloutely adores you.

and he cant stay away from you !! lmao

you’ll leave after a date and ten minutes after youve arrived you’ll get a text from him saying how much he already misses you and wants to see his bun again ):

but its okay!! because y’all would meet up again really soon again :D

sunoo really doesnt mind what you both do together, he just loves being in your company !! if he’s doing something with you, its certain that he will have so much fun and be so so comfy!

you often like to go to cinemas together, watching a film

film/drama marathons are also something that you both do very very often as a date! he loves it when you hug him tight and throw a leg over his as you both lie down in his dorm bed/your bed, watching something on your laptop

he is very very cuddly and whenever you both do have cuddle dates/sessions (which is all the time btw) he’ll like it when you absentmindedly play with his fingers or stroke your hands through his hair soothingly

and then he’ll complain and whine when you stop lmao

seriously though, without a question if either of you meet at either his dorm or your house - its always: ‘so what are we gonna watch?’

he also likes doing very very cute couple-y activities with you! of course he does,, youre his baby ):

(he’s more YOUR baby actually - but he doesnt need to know about that shh hehe)

funfair dates where you will go on a ferris wheels and eat cotton candy together? sharing a kiss when you reach the top? yes! and so is going to those sets designed for couples to take cute photos together as a lil photoshoot!

he is so so sweet with you ):

and has it been mentioned yet that you’ll go on food dates? this is a very obvious date you both do very often !!

going to food markets and trying out different street foods from different vendors? yes.

having mini dates at the korean convinience store late at night where you’ll both sit by the window and eat tteokbokki & ramen together? yes.

its all honestly really really chill, but he also knows when to be serious when he needs to (:

he’ll take you out to the your favourite restaurants often!

and whenever youre celebrating something he’ll take you to a really good and famous restaurant with mouth-watering food, and you’ll be left wondering for the longest time how on earth he managed to get a seat in since its always so booked

or ordering take-out is good too :D

in conclusion (because i just realised how long this is help 😭): dates with sunoo are always a variety of fun activities which always leave you feeling tired yet so, so happy and content at the end of the day !!

he loves you so much <3

Jungwon

Since you both go to the same school, a lot of your little dates are actually spent there

He’s pretty shy with you at times,, but when you’re both alone it’s then that dates with him are usually so so goofy and silly; days filled with his teasing and your eye rolls and giggles.

Meeting at the rooftop before school to simply talk and giggle and drink chocolate milk? Yes.

Staying after school for small study sessions in the library? Yes.

With jungwon, you’re not able to see him as much between school and him being an idol, so every little moment together means so much to both of you ):

To me jungwon also seems like a cuddler!!! cause like?? Have you seen him ?? Tell me he doesn’t look so soft

So, dates at home when he’s free where you can both cuddle together in your bed while eating and doing homework? They’re so so cosy,, and definitely your favourite kinda dates!! not to mention that your parents absolutely adore him too

With jungwon, lots of lil spontaneous dates are definitely his and yours trademark (‘:

He’ll turn up at your house randomly with a grin and dimple poking at his cheek, holding a bag of convenience store food and asking you if you want to go on a date with him even if it’s 10pm and dark outside lmfao

And then he’ll take you to an arcade!

You’ll be the only ones there and he’s keep flexing about how he’s going to win you this cat plush from the claw machine because he says it looks like him

He’d try several times and end up spending almost 8,000 won on the machine trying to win you this plush and at this point he’s already making up several excuses about how oh, ‘it’s rigged’ or ‘give me one more chance I will get it this time!!’

You’d giggle at how he grows flustered, gently asking him if you could have a go for fun, sighing and with him and agreeing on the fact that the claw machine is definitely rigged

You’d complain together; scolding the machine and asking it to please be nice and stop ruining your date when it’s then that the claw actually picks up a plush and you’re both like ;oo

You’d both stay stood in shock as the cat plush is dropped into the receiving box, before laughing loudly

He’d stand there flustered, blush tainting his cheek before he just walks away 🚶🏻‍♂️

You’d quickly pick up the cat plush and chase after him, giggles tumbling out your lips

and uhm after that you beTTER go check up on your boy and see if his ego wasnt too damaged by that 😤

so of course you’d wrap your arms around him from behind, tucking your face into the back of his neck ): and pressing gentle kisses where you know he’s ticklish until he finally relents, a small grin and dimple lighting up his face

and phEW because you thought he was upset ): but he laughs and says youre better at the claw machine than he is so,, all good dont worry !! 🥺

It’d end up being him taking the cat plush home, which you both name ‘jungwon-two’ because of how much it actually looks like him 😭

Expect many references and inside jokes to that date and jungwon-two in the future

and tbh you love dates with won so so much. theyre so fun plus they’re always secret.

and whenever you’re out doing whatever the hell you both get up to,

It’s like there is no one else in the world. It’s just you, and him, and the blooming you both feel in your chests.

Niki

I don’t know but I can just see niki as being so romantic

You’re both young, and although niki is the biggest dork and always likes to play around and make jokes 24/7 - he’s also so mature compared to the other boys your age

So would he take you out to a date where he’d set up classically romantic candles and rose petals for you both to eat at for your 1 month anniversary? Yes ):

And you’d be so speechless and shocked as you blush quietly and thank him before he‘s accidentally knocking over his glass of water all over the table cloth and you’re laughing out loud

But expect every other date with him to be filled with so so much food and comfort!

He’d feel so comfy around you, and really the only word he thinks is perfectly able to describe you is home. He thinks you feel like home to him.

So he’d show you all of this favourite things, the things closest to his heart and you can’t help but feel your own heart clench at how much you adore this boy

He’d take you out to traditional Japanese restaurants and show you his favourite foods from back home and teach you the customs of how to eat sushi

You’d 100% be so so interested and excited whenever he reveals to you a vulnerable part of him, and he’d stare at you so lovingly as he kisses your cheek, blushing and smiling like the 15 year old he is

Ugh ): niki ):

Dance dates!!

You claim you can’t dance to save your life LMFAO (or maybe you can 😳?) but he only grins shyly instead as he takes you to a small dance studio he rented (he didn’t want to take you the belift building where there would be other people - he’d want you to feel completely comfortable).

You’d simply stand there with your mouth dropped open as you watch him freestyle to a random song he put on like it’s nothing

You’d spend the day getting taught some moves by him and although you’re sure you look like a cat getting electrocuted, he still smiles and nods and even claps, giving you compliments and teasing remarks

Overall, dates with niki are so so fun and goofy and perfect. You feel your heart swell every time he takes you out on another little adventure, feeling so complete and carefree between his warm hugs, jokes and words that he has to say to you

(’:

#enhypen headcanons #enhypen fluff #enhypen reactions #enhypen scenarios #enhypen imagines #enhypen fic #enhypen sunghoon #enhypen jake #enhypen ot7 #enhypen sunoo #enhypen heeseung #enhypen jungwon #kpop imagines

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dialovers-translations · 3 years

Text

DIABOLIK LOVERS DAYLIGHT Vol. 1 Sakamaki Ayato [Track 2]

Original title: 夜の湖

Source: Diabolik Lovers Daylight Vol. 1 Sakamaki Ayato

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Midorikawa Hikaru

Translator’s note: If there’s one thing Rejet knows to do with these CDs, it’s keeping us on the edge of our seats! The final bit of this CD was actual one of the voice samples released prior to its release and I remember being extremely intrigued by it back then! Even while listening to the actual CD, it got me super curious and I couldn’t wait to listen to the next track to find out what is going on with the MC.

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5 + Epilogue

→ LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 2: The Lake at Night

The two of you are walking through the forest until you eventually reach the lake.

“...Is this the place you’ve been dyin’ to visit? It’s just a regular old lake, no? There’s seriously nothin’ special ‘bout it at all...It was stupid of me to even expect anythin’ from you in the first place.”

You explain.

“Haahー!? The sunrise...? ...Don’t tell me you want to stay here until dawn!?”

You nod.

“You’ve gotta be shittin’ me. Do you even know how much time’s left till sunrise!? ...See you.”

Ayato tries to leave but you quickly stop him, insisting you can chat till the sun rises.

*Rustle*

“What? Don’t give me that nonsense! Why did we need to come all the way over here just to have a chat? We can just talk at home!”

You shake your head.

“Haah? There’s other people around then? ...Oh. In other words, you wanted an excuse to be all alone with me?”

You elaborate on your idea.

“A quiet time, huh...? I thought you liked things to be lively though. Well, I won’t deny those dudes are hella annoyin’. I turn my back for one second and they try to make a move on you. I’ll admit we can never truly feel at ease in that kinda environment.”

He plops down on the grass.

“...There we go. ...Oi, hurry up and lend me your lap already. You don’t expect me to get comfortable without a pillow, right?

You take a seat next to him as he rests his head in your lap.

*Rustle rustle*

“...Hmph.”

You smile and admit enjoying these times together.

“...It’s nice to sit back and relax at times, huh? Damn, you really sounded like a granny just now. I don’t understand. This is just dull, you might as well be dead. ...I mean, you humans have a limited lifespan, right? Then doesn’t this feel like a waste? Isn’t it normal to want to enjoy yourself, maybe have some good food or something? ...Well, I’m a Vampire and immortal so I don’t really care either way.”

You explain.

“Hmph. If you like this, then whatever. You’re so easy to please. (1) But don’t come complaining to me afterwards.”

You chuckle.

“Don’t laugh, geez. ...Actually, you’ve been actin’ kinda off. Like you’re in bad shape...or lackin’ energy. Did you eat somethin’ which had gone bad or somethin’?”

You retaliate.

“I wonder. Hehehe...Well, seems like you still have the energy to talk back at least. ...By the way, you remember the promise we made, right? I told you I’d suck your blood if you failed to entertain me, didn’t I?”

You flinch.

“Look at that pathetic look on your face. Did you think I had forgotten?”

You try and bribe him with the lap pillow.

“Hmph. You’ll stay like this a lil’ longer? All you’re doing is lending me your lap though? You haven’t been tellin’ me any interestin’ stories either. ...Are you perhaps teasin’ me on purpose?”

You quickly shake your head.

“In that case, it makes sense.”

You frantically flail with your arms while trying to explain yourself.

“Hehe...Hehehe...No need to get so desperate trying to deny it. Your funny expression is only becomin’ even more hilarious. I’ll content myself with that for now and leave the real fun for later. Guess you should be grateful to your own face.”

You say thank you.

“...Aah? Why would you thank me for that? Lemme tell you, but I prefer suckin’ your blood after scarin’ the livin’ hell out of you. It’s just not the time for that yet, that’s all. Heh!”

The wind blows in the background.

“...For real though, what are you gonna do ‘bout this depressin’ mood? You should take some responsibility and talk to me. Anythin’ will do at this point. You wanted to enjoy some idle talk, right? Come on.”

You bring up the past.

“What? Our first meeting? You really think I remember all of that? ...Ahー But if I recall correctly...I was nappin’ in the living room while the thunder roared outside...Right! I was woken up because you made a huge fuss.”

You tell him you were truly shocked back then.

“Haha...You mistook me for a dead person, didn’t you? Goin’ on ‘bout callin’ an ambulance or some shit. Bit of an overreaction, don’t you think? Yours Truly doesn’t just die!

Well, I doubt you knew we were Vampires at that point. I was hella thirsty back then, so when an energetic-looking prey walked right up to me, I obviously had to go straight for a bite. Yet, that damn Four-Eyes had the nerve to get in my way!”

You tell him you nearly forgot about that.

“Excuse me? Don’t be forgettin’ ‘bout that when you’re the one who brought up this topic!”

You admit to being surprised Ayato recalls so much.

“I remember plenty of other things as well! You better don’t underestimate my memory! ...Actually, why don’t I help you remember a few more embarrassing moments? No need to be modest. Whatcha so afraid of?”

You flinch.

“Hehe...Are you scared of me?”

You hesitate.

“What? If you’ve got somethin’ to say, then spit it out.”

You explain.

“What do you mean you’re no longer scared of me like you were at first? You flinched just now!”

You frown.

“Why can’t you put it into words well? Don’t tell me you’re makin’ fun of me?”

You shake your head.

“Then what is it?”

You try and put your feelings into words.

“Haah!? I don’t understand what you mean with ‘because we understand each other now’. Geez. ...But well, there’s a few things I learnt through living together with you as well, I guess. Humans are weak. They die so easily. They’ve got a limited life span as well. ...That’s not all. They love to fuss ‘bout the details and they’re so infuriatingly slow and clumsy. They get upset over the most trivial things or cry over nothing. Also...Sometimes the strangest things make them happy. Furthermore, they’d go through the trouble of comin’ to these kinda places. Ahー What a drag.”

You thank Ayato for keeping up with you.

“Che...Why are you thanking me now? I really don’t understand that sorta behavior of yours. Fuck.”

You ask if he would like to head back soon.

“Aah...? What do you mean ‘soon’? Of course I want to head home already! ...But well, you still want to stay here a lil’ longer, right? ...Just the two of us.”

You nod.

“Oh? You’re bein’ surprisingly honest. Do you want to be with me that badly?”

You nod again.

“Heh. You just said you want to be together forever, huh? Fool. You really think I’d let you go? You can no longer leave me. ...Not ever.”

You suddenly frown.

“What? Got a problem with that?”

You quickly turn your head and try to make excuses.

“No point in tryin’ to hide it. You’re an open book after all. ...Don’t tell me you actually believe you could get away from me?”

You shake your head.

“If that’s not it, then don’t look so damn anxious. ...Heh. Actually, I bet you were thinking that you can’t live forever?”

Your eyes widen in surprise before you ask him how he knows.

“Heh. I know everything that goes on in that head of yours. ...Don’t be worryin’ about those kind of stupid things. Did you drag me all the way out here to talk ‘bout that shit? ...You didn’t, right? Pretty sure I told you to entertain me.”

Ayato suddenly pins you down.

*Thud*

“I bet you’re rackin’ your brain over complicated shit again? Good job gettin’ yourself pinned down. ...Just so you know, there’s no point in tryin’ to cover it up. Even if you keep quiet, I can tell by lookin’ in your eyes. Che...! I should just be the only thing on your mind. Well, I’ll just force myself inside your head if I need to. ...I’ll make it so you can’t worry about anything unnecessary.”

*Sluuuuurp*

“Mmh...”

*Sluuuuurp*

“I’m not lettin’ you go any time soon...So brace yourself.”

*Sluuuuurp*

“Nnh...”

*Sluuuuurp*

“...Hah. Come on. Sit up already. Don’t you understand? I’m givin’ you special permission to sit down on my lap. Hurry up...”

*Rustle rustle*

“Say…Doin’ this doesn’t feel half bad, does it? …Just admit it.”

*Sluuuuurp*

"Come on. Don’t close your eyes. Make sure to watch…how you’re bein’ turned into a mess.”

*Sluuuuurp*

"Hehehe…Seems like you’re ‘bout to lose it from sheer excitement. Show me more of that expression.”

*Sluuuuurp*

"Don’t you dare let the other guys see you like this.”

You whimper.

“Listen up. You’re fated to continue havin’ your blood sucked by me like this. Both now and in the future. Foreverーー”

You nod.

“Heh. Glad you understand.”

Ayato gets up and wipes some dirt off his pants.

“…Woah. The wind has picked up. …Oi, we should probably head home soon. I don’t want to get nagged at later.”

You remain unmoved.

“Come on. Get up already. Or has your back thrown out? …Guess you leave me no other choice.”

*Rustle*

“Come on. Gimme your hand. …Hah? What’s wrong? Grab it already.”

You shake your head.

“Oi, there really is somethin’ off ‘bout you? Come on.”

Ayato grabs your hand.

“…Eh? Doesn’t your hand…feel colder than usual? What’s wrong, for real? …Can’t you hear me? Oi! …Idiot! Don’t close your eyes! Answer me! Chichinashi!!

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) Ayato calls her 無欲 or ‘muyoku’, which is used to describe someone who is free from any ‘worldly desires’.

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #ayato sakamaki #diabolik lovers daylight #diabolik lovers translation #diabolik lovers drama cd #drama cd

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