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fullmoondagger · 2 years

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Thinking about my HS science teacher bc of that ADHD post Its still honestly so wild to me how fucking unwilling to understand me she was...

I have some trauma around math. It's hard to distressing to me to interact with numbers because of teachers and my father being unable to explain to me and getting mad & screaming for the latter and leaving me to rot for the others, so now my reaction to seeing numbers is simply blanked out I will not do math on my own, seeing it makes me anxious and upset. Also might have slight discalculia that must have played into me being bad at math in the first place. Whatever.

Taking this into consideration I chose studies that did not have maths taught as a subject, with a lower level in everything else to go easy on myself, didnt turn out as I had planned but thats not the subject of the post.

Science teacher! I kinda like science, I was a little excited to have another teacher for the last year or so but like I was not doing well because again, math, and I don't do homework because I spent all my free time trying to recover from my days and I have better shit to do anyways which (rightfully) annoyed her but like. One day at the end of class she was like ohhh how are you doing so bad you have so much potential which instantly triggered my bite bite kill destroy instinct so I calmly explained to her that I could barely get two consecutive hours of sleep at night, that school was eating me alive and I barely had my head out of the water, that I had undiagnosed untreated ADHD and it was hard for me to do anything and that I was bad at math to begin with! I went serious and honest because sometimes you gotta, yknow. She brushed it off and went but youre so smart you can be good at this ! I KNOW you can do it! To which I replied this was simply crippling me more with anxiety and the certainty I will not archieve it because I was already doing my best and therefore disappoint her. Which I didnt care to please her at all for starters I dont want to be here.

Still I tried! I tried to read up my lessons and prepare for the next test, and I was pretty confident I had done a better job ! And I DID. I got a 13/20 instead of my usual 3-7/20 (for those with diff grading systems 0/20 is bad and 20/20 is good)

Needless to say I was happy ! I practically doubled my average results . Handing me my paper she said in front of EVERYONE in the class that "You could have done better and frankly with a test like this it looks like you're making fun of me". 💀💀💀 I got so pissed as you can imagine! Imagine saying that to a student after you have been exlicitly told about their situation.

At the end of the class I came to her desk and told her she had been really hurtful because I actually tried and studied for that test and I actually did impossibly better than usual, AS SHE WOULD KNOW, and that it was just rude to say that in front of everyone. She went on again about my potential and I told her to stop making up a fake image of myself in her mind because that's not the truth and I will never be it but again she didnt give a shit.

She went personal with me at the teacher council (I was attending bc I was elected for it to take notes for my classmates n bring up issues) and went on again about my potential so I got mad at her after that night I simply stopped going to science class altogether. Fuck that bitch lol. You wanna see me fail I'll show you fail.

Moral of the story evil teachers wont give a shit about you. Fuck em. Preserve yourself before anything else & also maybe dont listen to my advice school years were immensely damaging for me and I will have no positive or intelligent thoughts about it ever. Idk what the point of this post was but I think seeing shit abt wasted potential made me go rabid

#dagger.txt #long post #personal #feel free to rb idc

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tippitv · 5 years

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TippiTV recap: SPN 15.01 “Back and to the Future”

First a quick note on the format of this recap: I'm dealing with some neck/back/shoulder pain so I'm not going to make a bunch of captioned screen shots and diagrams and other visual aids like I usually do. That stuff, while hugely fun to do, is time-consuming even under ideal conditions. I will instead attempt to provide you with mental images of graphics I would have made.

Now, let's get on with things.

Welcome to the 15th and final season of Supernatural, everyone! If the show were a person we could give it a Quinceañera.

[Graphic: The Impala in a beautiful taffeta gown and tiara and like... satin mudflaps instead of gloves.]

It's been 5140 days since the show premiered. That's 123,360 hours. Our solar system travels around the center of the galaxy at 490,000 miles per hour. This means we have moved through 6.04464e10 miles of space since this show premiered. I don't even know what that means. Once numbers start getting letters in them, I'm lost. But it's got to be nearly as many miles as are on the Impala's odometer.

[graphic of our solar system and the Chevy Impala zooming through space together, perhaps in friendly competition]

The road so far: Man, I do not remember a lot of this. Relevant to this episode is God throwing a hissy fit, killing Jack, and releasing all the souls and/or demons from Hell.

Currently: Jack's eyeless corpse is lying around as corpses are wont to do. The surviving members of Team Free Will are fighting a lot of freshly risen dead bodies that were possessed by the released souls. If it were me just out of Hell, I wouldn't waste time in a rotted corpse. I'd just fuck off as quickly as possible and possess someone who's eating a deep-dish cheese pizza.

The risen dead are polite enough to mostly attack the Winchesters one or two at a time, so they get to grab Jack's corpse and run into a mausoleum for shelter. Okay I understand why the souls can't get through the iron doors but what's stopping the disembodied ones from just going through a window? Or through a stone wall, for that matter?

Sam asks Castiel if he can bring Jack back but he sounds like he already knows the answer. A mid-level angel without all his original powers isn't gonna be able to undo what God's done unless the plot requires it.

[Graphic of Sam's incredibly sad face as he says or thinks "maybe the plot will require it later?"]

Everyone tries to figure out what they're going to do next. Dean snarkily wonders if they're going to starve to death. I mean, no, because the ambulatory corpses will break in before long. Failing that, they'd die of thirst unless Castiel has like a TARDIS bladder that holds Dasani, and then they could eat Jack. Mmm nephilim jerky....

Proving my point for me, a resident of the mausoleum or perhaps a neighbor tries to bust through some of the loose stones just as Sam starts chipping away at them in search of an escape route. Castiel smashes its head with a big rock, causing the ghost to flee? I guess? Whatever it is looks like a glowy skeleton and ghosts usually look like their living selves for the most part.

"What the hell are we gonna do now?" Sam asks.

Ol' Eyeless Jack pops up and says in a friendly tone of voice, "Hello!" Nobody's super shocked by this turn of events.

[Graphic of Jo and Ellen saying "nobody stays dead on this show except us"]

It's just Jack's bod with a demon in it, though. Was he the one that looked like a glowy skeleton? Whatever. He happens upon some budget sunglasses on the floor nearby. No seriously they're sunglasses to save the budget because it wouldn't be cheap or timely to have to CGI empty eyes for the whole episode.

He introduces himself. "My name is Belvegar." The fuck? That sounds like a horrible portmanteau for shipping Mr. Belvedere with Garfield the cat.

[Graphic of Buckleming: "We'd write that!"]

I suppose I should check IMDB to see how that's spelled...

BELPHEGOR???

Oh okay apparently Belph is a prince of hell and "Lord of the Gap," which is like half a step up from being Lord of Old Navy. I'm looking this up on regular Wikipedia not Supernatural Wiki so the show didn't just make him up. It says here he seduces people by suggesting inventions that will make them wealthy. One time I came up with an idea for pills that would turn people's urine into toilet cleaner. I was going to call it Vita-Wiz. And that's why I've never been able to seduce anyone with my inventions.

Anyway Castiel shoves Belph up against a wall, as is customary on this show, and demands he leave Jack's bod. But Belph says he has some mojo that will get rid of all the hellish souls and demons currently trying to get into the mausoleum. Much like how Vita-Wiz gets rid of hard water stains and leaves your toilet with a minty fresh scent!

[Graphic: a colorfully jaunty ad for Vita-Wiz with Sam's endorsement a la the "Changing Channels" Herpexia ad. "I've got powerfully clean urine."]

Belph knows all about the Winchesters but is slightly surprised this latest fuckery is God's fault. He makes himself out to be a low-level demon so either he's lying or the show's not going with the prince of hell backstory. Judging by his delivery and mannerisms he thinks he's auditioning to be in Goodfellas: The High School Years.

[Graphic: High School Musical promo poster but make it mobster]

He goes on to say that, like the Winchesters, he wants all the souls back in Hell where they belong and he can get back to torturing them. "I like my job!" Unrelatable. He can't fix the main shitsplosion that's going on but says he can get them all out of the cemetery safely.

Using some "graveyard dirt" from the floor and angel blood from Convenienstiel, he works a little spell that turns all the risen dead back into just... dead. Unoccupied corpses litter the ground by the dozens. Man, what a mess. You know who isn't gonna like their job in the morning? The groundskeeper.

Also, that sure is a useful spell. I wonder if it will ever come up again...

"Where are all the ghosts?" Dean wonders.

Cut to two teenage girls somewhere else acting like teenage girls Dabb has seen in Troom Troom videos. One of the girls sees herself as a ghost in the mirror and claws her face clean off. Man, that ghost's wig is terrible. Is she Bloody Mary? I don't remember her wig being this bad. I can't believe they couldn't afford a better one even with the Budget Sunglasses.

Back to Three Men and a Belphy. Riding home in the Impala, Sam checks the news. So far, no mention of any kind of worldwide Ghostpocalypse. It seems like you're mostly safe in this universe as long as you don't live in middle America. Belph suggests they may be able to contain the ghosts before things get too out of hand and he just happens to know the right magic.

"Imagine a salt circle a mile wide," he says. Castiel points out that Harlan, Kansas is less than a mile from the cemetery so Dean hatches a plan to get everyone out so as to not trap them inside with the ghosts and demons. Is it gonna be a lame plan that would never work in reality?

But first they stop for a wrecked car on the side of the road. There's blood on the inside of the windshield but no body. "This look familiar to you?" Dean asks Sam. It looks like a lot of wrecks where someone got wanged on the head and wandered off in a daze, but they figure it's the Woman in White. "If she's back then they're all back," Dean goes on. "Every last one that we ever killed."

Okay shout out to everyone who answered my post where I asked if ghosts used to be obliterated rather than going to Hell. The consensus seems to be that the Winchesters didn't really know one way or the other early on and were guessing.

Cut to a woman running through a house with her young daughter in her arms. The aftermath of a destroyed birthday party can be seen. How late in the day were they throwing this kid's party?? To make a long story short, the ghost of John Wayne Gacy is chasing them. I'll just reiterate my hatred of this character, not because Gacy is a serial killer obv, but because it lacks internal logic! Why is he dressed like a clown?? He wasn't executed in his old clown outfit!

Suddenly it's daytime. It's like Bugs all over again. Sam, in a jacket with an FBI decal on it approaches what must be the dumbassiest dumbass sheriff in three states. He convinces the sheriff to evacuate the whole town because of a benzene leak and the sheriff just... takes his word for it. Like, he's never heard of a benzene pipeline in his hometown but doop de doop this handsome giraffe in a cheap jacket said to evacuate so it must be true!

Also why isn't the sheriff down at the cemetery?? Someone would've called that in by now! You know what I don't really care.

Meanwhile, Dean is in the car and tells Castiel to take Belph to go get supplies for the spell. Cas says he can't do it, he can't even bear to look at him. And Dean! Rolls! His! Eyes! Like, Jack's the closest thing Cas will probably ever have to a child. He was with Kelly through her pregnancy. It's only been like eight hours since the kid died horrifically. Don't roll your dang eyes!

Cas leaves and Dean puts the Equalizer gun in the glove compartment along with a copy of The Complete Works of Anton Chekhov.

Belph notices that everyone walking down the street is good-looking. Yeah, that's casting agencies for ya. He says back in his ancient penis-worshiping days, people were uglier. Belph appears to be an equal-opportunity ogler. He turns to Dean. "I mean look at you. You're gorgeous!"

[Graphic: Belphegor replacing his penis-shaped rock altar with that Skittles poster of Jensen Ackles.]

"So who was he anyway?" Belph asks, referring to his meatsuit. "He was our kid, kinda," Dean says. The show manages to resist making a Gay Dads joke that I feel like it would've given into in an earlier season. So, yay progress I guess?

Sam and Castiel split up to check every house for ghosts. That seems super time-consuming. How many Reapers are left besides Billie? I feel like they should get one on the horn unless they're all dead. Anyway, Cas's house is where the Troom Troom girls were killed. The ghost's wig looks even worse in daylight. Do they get their wigs from the Hobby Lobby doll crafting aisle or something?

Sam's house, meanwhile, is where John Wayne Ghosty went on a sartorially illogical rampage. Somehow the mother and daughter are still alive. Dumbass ghosts can't see behind a shelving unit, I guess. The instant Sam gets them safely down, Ass-Clown immediately slices him across the belly. Castiel shows up to blast the ghost with rock salt.

Meanwhile, Belph is fanboying over Dean's torturing skills. Gasp! The show remembered Dean was in Hell. It'd be nice if they were consistent about it but whatever. Belph casually mentions that all the doors in Hell opened and Dean realizes this means the cage, too.

[Graphic: That dancing gif of the actor who played Adam that says "Still in Hell" but now it says "Maybe not in Hell."]

Castiel heals Sam's wound and the fabric of his jacket! The mother and daughter are still standing there seeing all this. Cas is like, "Whatevs, I'm an angel of the Lord & Taylor." The mom is pretty flabbergasted, and even more so when Sam mentions the wound he sustained after shooting God. Castiel can't heal that one, though, because it's probably gonna be a recurring plot point judging by the flash of Evil Sam we see.

The sheriff is making a final sweep through town when he happens upon the Woman in White. The sun looks to be setting, which means it's probably been 16 hours since all the souls and demons escaped, but they're still basically within a mile of the cemetery? Even I, burdened with an easily exhausted flesh body with shitty joints could have gotten farther than that.

Anyway, Belph needs a fresh human heart for his spell so it's pretty handy of the sheriff to die! That way none of the mains need to do the morally objectionable thing of murdering someone.

Dean senses a sudden drop in temperature. "Winnie the Pooh, right now!"

WHAT THE FUUUUCK??

Hold on. I'm watching this at 1.2x speed. Let me rewatch it at 1x.

Okay he says "we need to move, right now." My apologies to Mr. Pooh for thinking you could ever be a part of this.

[Graphic: Winnie the Pooh chipper as anything. "I CRAVE THE BLEAK ABIDING COMFORT OF DEATH AND HUNNY."]

At the same time, Sam and Castiel are walking the two survivors through town. The little girl pauses at a badly placed fish pond because she sees a woman in it. Is it Bloody Mary? What's she doing in a pond? Seriously though putting a pond right on the street corner is just asking for trouble even without spectral shenannigans. How many people have driven over the curb and right into that thing?

Okay I gotta stop getting hung up on landscaping issues. Even if they are HIGHLY IRRESPONSIBLE AND NONSENSICAL.

Dean is attacked by the Woman in White. Ass Clown goes after Sam and the others, and is soon joined by... a tall ghost and... Lizzie Borden? Sam accidentally shoots Cas full of rock salt when Lizzie vanishes, which is pretty funny although move ya pretty self out of the way, Cas. When she pops up behind him, she tries to choke him with the ax handle. It reminds me of that lesser known poem about Miss Borden.

Lizzie Borden had an ax Gave her mother 40 whacks Tried to choke the angel Cas 'Cause axing would've been too fast

In the ensuing fisticuffs, everyone has time to throw punches while Belph performs the spell. All he does is put the heart on a little pile of salt and chant some Latin. Is like the thing Ruby 1.0 did with that poor virgin girl's heart a million years ago?

Oh sweet Jeebus the sight of these ghosts chasing everyone on foot is... bad and funny. Y'all are ghosts! You can just blip in and out of wherever you want to go! One of the only upsides to being dead has got to be not having to do cardio anymore and here you are running the hundred yard dash like it's 6th grade PE class. They come screeching to a halt where the spell has created an invisible boundary. This might be worse than Hell.

[Graphic: Parisian street mimes trying to escape an invisible box]

But wait... Why wasn't Belphegor affected by this spell? Did he write in an exception clause? Or is it only for ghosts and not demons?

The Good Guys plus Belph bring the mom and daughter to the high school down the road where all the evacuees are sheltering. With no sheriff to coordinate things, isn't it all just gonna... fall to pieces now? How are they gonna convince everyone to stay away from their homes? What if someone needs their prescriptions? ("Oh no my Herpexia!") They can't get rid of the ghosts as long as Hell isn't in business anymore, right? This is a mess. Dean seems to know it.

Dang why are Castiel and Dean on such icy terms? Why do I not remember last season?

Now that they have a five second breather before the shit hits the fan, Dean wants to see Sam's godly bullet wound. It looks a little crusty but not too bad except... "There's no exit wound," Dean notes. He gives it a swipe with some alcohol which will surely kill whatever supernatural E. coli is in there.

"So when Chuck said this was the end I guess this is what he meant," Sam says. Yes being trapped in a high school with my neighbors seems like end times to me, too. Tonally, things seemed a lot more dire in All Hell Breaks Loose 2.

Dean's feeling a bit embittered about discovering they didn't have as much free will as they'd thought, that everything was part of Chuck's personal lab experiment. "What did it all mean?" he wonders. "It meant a lot," Sam says. "We still saved people."

But what even are people, man? I'm going to have an existential crisis and I can't drink as much as Dean because I have that "Asian flush" gene thing. One drink and I turn super red and hot and queasy and then I pass out.

Sam thinks God has fucked off to who knows where because he hasn't seen the promos for episode 2 yet. "He gets bored and starts another story." Ah yes like me and my WiPs. Relatable. Overall, Sam is feeling much more optimistic. "Once we win this, God is gone... and it's just us. We're free."

Dean catches his optimism cooties. "I like those odds," he says of fighting billions of evil souls. You know what that means? We got work to do. Quick intercut of Baby Winchesters with Middle-Aged Winchesters saying the same thing and closing the trunk of the Impala.

[Graphic: Impala with the solar system again. This time the Impala is pulling ahead. "ONE MORE TIME AROUND, SONS O' BITCHES"]

So there we are at the first episode of the final season. Reblog or reply with what you thought of the episode and thanks for reading!

One final note:

You can read more about my writing and general life situation and GoFundMe here: https://tippitv.tumblr.com/post/188224749207/supernatural-final-season-recaps-and-assorted

If you enjoyed the recap and are able, please visit my virtual tip jar: paypal.me/TippiBlevins or https://ko-fi.com/A4017DA

Henry Hound and I could use the financial help!

See you next week.

#spn recap #supernatural #spn #tippitv #my recaps

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that-one-violist · 5 years

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The health care system has failed my mother for the past 18 years.

fair warning- this is a lot. i basically unloaded 20 minutes of pain and emotions into this. i dont recommend reading this if you are recently dealing with ill family or grief. i am just. so angry and lost and i needed to get it out.

She fell and tore her ACL. She was told it was because of her weight and not because of the moldy old stairs at her workplace.

She got a goiter in her throat. She was told it was because of her weight.

The goiter turned out to be cancerous. She was told it was inevitable because of her weight.

She had thyroid cancer. She was treated with at best 3-6x the recommended limit of radioactive iodine for a person's entire life span in 2 years time.

When her teeth rotted and her organs failed because of the radioactive iodine she was told to eat more salad, and excersize more because her weight would only make her pain worse, qnd that any pain unrelated to her weight was in her head.

When she cried she was in so much pain between the fibromyalgia the stress and the illnesses she was told she deserved it for her weight and that she should start smoking since her life was meaningless anyways.

When she changed doctors she was given moderately better less emotional and dehumanizing remarks by the one person she was told to trust with her life things were supposed to get better.

She started falling. She started to not be able to go down the stairs. She started to be unable to walk outside on the porch. She started to only make it to 3 rooms in the house. She started to live her entire life for 2 years in her bed and walking to the bathroom.

She grew to be so alienated and so sick of tired of being poked proded and dehumanized for a weight problem she genuinely couldnt fix that she created this whole story to my father and I that she was getting home health treatment and was talking to a doctor that had a surgery planned for her that would let her be able to live her fucking life again.

She passed away and we only now fully realized how much wasnt true. She wasnt seeing a doctor. She hasnt for 3 fucking years. The medication she was being prescribed was by her doctor who decided it was fine to prescribe medication without doing any health evaluations or blood work. This entire time this doctor encouraged my mother to stop getting treatment.

we thought there was hope. She told herself and us there was hope. there never was. she was in pain. she was always going to be in pain. she didnt want to be alive. she only stayed alive in this pain because of my dad my brother and I. she only suffered for us. she gave up her medical operations so i could go to college and pursue my dream without my knowing. she gave up her medical operations so my dad could get his eyes fixed.

she gave up her life for us. she suffered for us. none of this ever would have happened if the fucking doctors treated her like a fucking person with a 3 year old little girl and a son in highschool and a husband. they only saw her as a morbidly obese failure. between the cushings, eating disorders, fibromyalgia, cancer, no thyroid, severe depression, OCD, ptsd from a series of traumatic events, torn ACL and out of place knees, a mass on her stomach that she couldnt bend her knees because of, lymphadema in her bad leg, ovarian cysts, 2 hernias, anemia, the mass in her stomach, and countless other problems we never knew or understood, she couldnt. she couldnt fucking do it.

i only can pray she died painlessly in her sleep. i am so lost and confused and angry and i dont think i ever will be able to trust a doctor in my life. this was always my reality. doctors were mean. doctors hurt mom. doctors ruined my moms life. is some of it her fault? yes, but what would you do if you were trapped in a 1 bedroom area for the last 2 years of your life. what would you do if you havent been able to see your daughter perform since freshman year of highschool 4 years ago or see her conduct for the first time or hug her at graduation or highfive her at the orchestra banquet or help her set up her dorm or see her first college performance on anything other than a small phone screen. what would you do if you havent touched grass on the ground for 2 years. what would you do if you could barely make it to be there for your grandaughters birth and when you got back you fell on the stairs and needed to call 911. she couldnt do it anymore.

she gave up. because the people that were supposed to help her move past her health issues and treat her gave up on her too.

i wont lie. im fucking destroyed. i thought i was ready. the threat of her death loomed over since i was 5 and understood for the first time that "mommy might never wake up again and that is something you need to be ready for." but to watch her deteriorate over my entire life. to realize she wouldnt make it to my college graduation. to always wonder if that phone call was the call. i remember how much she said she wanted to see all the new buildings that were built in the last 3 years in our neighborhood. i remember she wanted to replant that absolutely gorgeous flower that died one bad winter. i remember she was so excited to clothes shopping with me for the first time since 7th grade. i remember she wanted her first outing to be getting frozen yogurt with me.

its all gone

i am absolutely destroyed.

ill be okay but

i didnt want her last days to be in that room. i didnt want her to pass away with a c-pap she dreaded on.

but what can we do now.

shes in a better place, shes in no more pain, and i can only pray there is an afterlife so she can see her grandaughter grow up and her son become a store director and her daughter become an orchestra director and her husband retire happily.

#personal #yikes i unloaded so much baggage #at least i feel a bit better

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