#so it feels like the track is super long

[kyuohki]

awww yesss. finally got around to making a playlist that puts all the day/night tracks of Sea of Stars against each other.

#sea of stars #sea of stars soundtrack #also with the pirate ver immediately after #so it feels like the track is super long #which is great #just jammin' while i write

[averlym]

whshdfhfjf.,,,

#close up!! because i firstly Did Not render them with such insanity in order for tumblr's lack of general resolution to make it blur #look at all the lines!!! teehee i still really really like this style of digital painting it's super super fun to do!!! and also secondly #because i went back and added a tag ramble and as i seem to often be doing??? lately?? reached the 30 tag limit and went 'hm ok how else..' #anyway the tag essay on that one is now up and talks about the artwork generally and miscellaneous thoughts!! that said. i need a space to #ramble about beatrix at Length because look you don't draw and paint etc a character for like ten hours without having a lot of thoughts #anyways ! i digress terrifically. tag rambles are more like trains of thoughts masquerading as subways and you get on and it's unfortunately #a rollercoaster track. but this is My Blog and i can do Whatever I Want as long as i don't hurt anyone <- affirmations!! also Harm Principle #lately it's been like *kicks up feet* *opens tumblr tags* *treats it as own personal journal* and tbh Good for me!! anyways back to beatrix #fun fact ! the thing that pushed me over the edge to go watch the musical after looking through the tumblr tag was a very specific poll. #and the fact that the winning option was blue hair and pronouns made me double over laughing so hard i had to go see the source material #mm i feel like lately the academic Context has been tossing me essentially into a blender HAHA ;-; so everyone in adamandi is to some extent #a Mood. but bea-specific (haha be specific)(sorry!)(wow this is the same reaction mechanism of my friend who points out innuendos)(...) #i think it's the wanting to prove herself. like from the whole abuela etc thing there's proof here she's got a Stable Support System of sort #and instead what beatrix continues to do is push themselves. 'i guess u could say i'm married to my work? god that's depressing' // no one #here to enforce that // abuela tells me to rest says i'm constantly stressed and i'll just get depressed like before but i still have to try #like. that shred of desperation that pushes you to the brink to neglect yourself (well i guess physically but also your morals..) and like!! #the whole 'lose half your soul thing' proves she's self aware!! like they know what they're doing is super dubious yknow! but they're still #they're still doing it even if it goes into conflict with their morality system in a way and then they justify it to themselves (see pt 1 #of ghostwriter) and the whole wanting to achieve at all costs Despite the self awareness. (i think? this aspect also applied to quincy. but #thoughts on him will come later). more beatrix specific also is the fact that they genuinely adore their work.. 'i just love it here where #you know they'll be printing forever and you are just part of it' because that does kind of resonate with me. also the being behind in the #competition is real!!! i'm maybe talking about Art as a subject because that same drive for it exists on my good days i think. even #even when nothing seems to be going right and you've ended up at the back the intent passion inherent in what you do is still there!!! #the genuine. care she has for reporting. is so !!!!! to me... other beatrix thoughts include 'why reveal yourself at the end' aka vincent's #'u should have stayed silent u had a smart plan' like rip to them but i would not // it feels with bea's complex character i can't imagine h #her Not doing that. like the guilt is real i guess. and i am running out of tags but! smth also about her fervent hope or smth that she'll #eventually get to where she wants. and the resilient determination.. 'i won't let their deaths be pointless there's more good i'm gonna do' #they're so so real for that. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing; seeing myself reflected in aspects of characters like this.. but it's #it's there regardless. smth smth just make your peace with the person you are ig!! tldr beatrix campbell my beloved. hehe #adamandi

[reel-fear]

Honestly, every single time the whole 'poppy playtime is a bendy rip-off' stuff ever shows up I find it all extremely unconvincing and silly.

For one thing, rip-off usually is meant to imply that it's a cheap lazy copy of a better more polished thing, and uh. Sorry but even from chapter 1? Poppy Playtime is a better game than Bendy, it has a simple but understandable story, the game manages to be thrilling, creepy, and very intense at times... I mean that Huggy chase in the vents ALONE puts it way above Batim for me.

I mean BATDR had the most slow stupid chase I've ever seen [and every other encounter with the ink demon is text telling u he's there and then a timer goes down and u get jumpscared] and batim's chases were either silly or just not nearly as theatric or terrifying as that.

When making the vent sequence I mean not only is it absolutely horrifying to realize how fast Huggy is in there but also it's so theatric and cool? The fact that you round a corner after thinking you escaped only to see a terrifying animation of that thing crawling toward you is awesome! I wish Bendy had stuff like that!

And all the stuff it shares with Bendy are generic things Bendy ripped from other horror games/media anyways. I'm not saying Poppy Playtime isn't inspired by Bendy I for sure think it is but Bendy is such a generic story that somehow fails to do tropes 100 other horror games have done any comparison only makes Poppy Playtime look better.

"It has employees being sacrificed for their company" That is not a concept Bendy invented, literally look at any of the sci-fi horror series Bendy is very inspired by. This is literally a twist in the original Alien.

"It has a scary woman forcing you to do tasks for her" Once again, not a concept Bendy invented, a scary mysterious person forcing you to do fetch-quests is a concept found in tons of horror media. And at least Poppy Playtime gave you a chase with her and let you defeat her, look at poor malice. She's barely on screen for more than 10 minutes before she gets stabbed.

"It has a cult worshipping the monster" This is something tons of horror games and media have done too. I mean In The Tall Grass has a guy who worships a giant magical rock in the middle of a grass maze, Bioshock [which Bendy has only been taking more and more direct inspiration from while failing to grab any of the compelling parts] also had a lot of themes of religion and cult-ish behavior, almost every horror media franchise has at one point done a cult thing.

Bendy couldn't even come up with a reason Sammy worships the ink demon, the best motivation we've ever gotten is just that 'he's crazzyyyy the ink made him insaneeee'. Who is the cheap rip-off here?

At least Poppy Playtime gave their cultist a motive for worshipping the monster + a proper boss fight that feels intense and looks awesome! Bendy didn't even let you kill Malice [she got stabbed in front of you and then just collapsed on the floor how thrilling] meanwhile you get to kill three of the villains in Poppy Playtime and the gameplay and action in those scenes have only gotten better as the game went on.

I mean Sammy walks into a room and goes "AAA SCARY I'M BEING MURDERED" then later shows up and for NO REASON sees a normal human man and assumes it's the ink demon before once again someone else kills him for you. In Poppy Playtime you defeat Catnap as he floods the world with this horrible nightmare-inducing gas that intensifies the color palette and his design. Fight off versions of him that are illusions that you need your flare gun for, then watch in a wonderful animation as he mistakes the monster for his savior before getting killed by it, in a brutal way I might add, which game are we accusing of being cheap, lazy garbage again?

I just find this argument to be people who Really Really need to find a reason to hate Poppy Playtime which I think is silly. The devs being weird, shady people is already enough reason to dislike the game, you don't need to invent reasons why secretly every part of the game is malicious or bad. But esp when I see Bendy fans saying they don't support Poppy Playtime or dislike it bc of its devs or even saying its cringe ummmm.

I have bad news about the fact Bendy's devs are worse and it took not one, but TWO over an hour long videos to cover it all. Plus the Bendy games are just the worse games in every aspect, if I could sell my batim copy for a copy of Poppy Playtime I wouldn't hesitate at all.

Saying this as a bendy fan, we have no right to be super judgy towards Poppy Playtime. If Poppy Playtime is embarrassing cringe, Bendy is too and is way more embarrassing of an interest. We shouldn't spread misinformation just because we all want to hate Poppy Playtime, you can dislike Poppy Playtime without making up a bunch of nonsense to justify it.

Honestly seeing people just blatantly be unfairly mean to Poppy Playtime only makes its critics look worse and makes it hard to take any backlash to the games seriously. Because surprise surprise if you spread misinformation to make a point people will quickly stop listening to Anything you have to say bc they won't trust you're telling the truth anymore.

#feel free to reblog but Im not gonna tag this its way too rambley at least for my taste to go in the main tags #ramblez #also man can I say I didnt want to make this post super long but theres so many other points I could make in poppys favor #the fact we got to see the hour of joy and it was terrifying we dont even know if joey actually killed anyone anymore #the gameplay itself is more diverse and fun then batim which is a walking simulator that pretends to have fighting n stealth mechanics #at least Poppy n Missys friendship gives u a reason to care for missys safety before shes put in danger #Missy can actually express unlike Boris who sits there looking cute with no proper expressions until he gets yoinked and ur supposed to car #bc he was uh adorable? And therefore you spend an entire chapter tryna get him and get an extremely bad boss fight in return- #also soundtrack wise I like poppys tracks more theyre unique and fun and you can tell which part of the game they come from #bendy has so many dramatic reveal stingers and tracks that are really hard to tell which part of the game they come from #bertrums boss fight has my favorite theme bc its so specifically crafted for him and unique and meanwhile Norman has one of the worst imo #a lot of Bendys soundtrack if I played it for you right now it would be hard to guess where its from bc it all kinda sounds the same #the reveal music for the machine for bendy land for heavenly toys for alices domain all sound the same x_x #its just so frustrating but yeah my point is can we all stop making up new reasons to shit on poppy playtime its just kinda dumb #it feels less like actual criticism and at this point just feels like elaborate justification for cringe culture which I hate #okay thats it bye sorry this is 10 pages long-

[brookheimer]

okay. i need to rewatch the episode probably but i think my current feeling is that i like most of it a lot (rome, ken, the siblings not getting ceo, etc), think the tom ceo makes sense from a logical/character perspective but not sure how i feel about it from a broader more thematic lens (altho i'm leaning towards fine with it), and am very mixed on shiv's ending because i think it's well-conceived and meaningful from a broader thematic lens (shiv becomes her mother, the cycle always repeats, etc) but doesn't quite make sense to me from a logical/character one -- it could've worked, it could've worked brilliantly, but it was far too rushed and forced. it makes sense as an ending for shiv, but not her next step. i'm largely talking about her decision to return to tom, not her decision to vote against kendall (which i think should've been executed better and given more space but can understand given her character, mostly). i'm fine with it as an ending for shiv, but what i'm struggling to stomach is the way it played out -- it didn't feel like a choice the shiv we know would've made. it's an ending that makes sense thematically and for her character arc, but not a decision that makes sense for her character at present. that's kinda where i'm at right now

#long shiv post talking ab this upcoming lol #bc so far i haven't seen like any shiv takes i've actually agreed with #it's either entirely anti ending or pro ending #whereas like. to me the ending works as an ending for the character. it's tragic dark devastating but it works and works well #but shiv making that choice does not make sense for where she is right now. it was rushed writing that forced an ending on her #that would be a satisfying ending but not a satisfying character choice and thus NOT a super satisfying ending #could've been EXTREMELY satisfying. but shiv wasn't there yet. her fatal flaw is blowing up good situations when she feels she's being #disrespected -- she's respect > power when it comes down to it #even tho she thinks she wants power more she NEEDS respect and is unable to stay quiet or make the smart choice in the face of disrespect #or men thinking they're superior etcetcetc. so her making a choice that allots her power (wife of CEO) but is the singular least respecting #outcome imaginable (meekly returning to your husband who betrayed you and stole the job you've been fighting for your entire life right out #of your grasp alongside your closest ally/flirt guyfriend who tapped him to do it explicitly to fuck you over because you're a pregnant #woman and thus inferior to the man who inseminated you -- and EVERYONE KNOWS ALL OF THIS! everyone knows you're the daughter of #the previous CEO and on two separate instances were meant to be CEO and now the weak man you married publicly betrayed you TWICE #but you still meekly return to him and place your hand in his and have his baby like the good pawn you are...) #that does not make sense for shiv. if we saw some development on the power > respect front or had a few more scenes or episodes developing #shiv as someone who would choose to become her mother (powerful and rich yet a disrespected pawn) over literally anything else #given her fundamental fear of being disrespected than maybe this would've made sense. it could be a great meaningful devastating ending #but it's one that just does not track for shiv as we know her right now. #ok tags got long as always sorry LOL i'm gonna write a longer thing explaining my hashtag thoughts bc i haven't seen much i agreed w on thi #front yet oops. ok bye 4 now tee hee #succession #succession spoilers #casey shut the fuck up about shiv roy

[backroadboy]

I should start being annoying again

#the thing is i always feel like i am acting in a way. even on here #which is super fucking weird because who the fuck cares yknow? #but idk i do tend to get a little too emotionally invested in relationships even online ones and i have a track record of friendships and #stuff not working out and i don't know how long i can do that for #so i kinda adapt and go with the flow and try to dial back the 'real' me whoever that idiot is tbh #but maybe i should start going in people's inboxes again and interact with people talk to them in the tags do moodboard for mutuals #and all that shit #txt.

[ayyponine]

Same venue. Same-ish crowd. Opposing seasons. Contrasting vibes.

#me #sometimes you have a few beers and yr feeling yrself. sometimes you feel too much like yourself and consider leaving early #for all the talk of yearning and intricate rituals let me tell you. a drunk girl sidled in right in front of me and the sense of rage i- #her and esp the guys she was with got kinda rowdy in the pit later on shoving each other also into the crowd whom did NOT want part of that #its a lot of people in a small room and at this point i was already further back and against a wall let me tell you #i think if someone had touched me i might have snapped fr #still had an ok time though once i got over feeling super embarrassed about my self and dared looking other people in the eye lol ah #one thing i do like abt the culture is the genderneutrality of it all... the most long and luscious locks in the room belong to some guy #and i can show up in sport bra and oversized shirt no typa bag no makeup wearin black laceup boots that could be m or f #my gender is uh. dont worry abt it lets just turn off the lights and vibe #got talking w someone tho who said she recognised me frm a diff event & i didnt much like that idea.. im not in the mood to be Perceived at #the venue IS p cool tho... like oo at a forgotten space on the other side of the tracks. by the water. by the skate park. yea #edit HOW could i forget. the rowdiest of drunk guys got either shamed into stepping out or str8 removed fr a lil while im not sure lol #and another guy wantedto crowdsurf but only 2 of his friends came to the stage to get him so he just kinda. crawled on top of them #and they awkwardly took a few steps carrying him round the vacated front. none of the crowd wanted shit to do w them lmao

[orcelito]

Surprisingly not that into the "uncanny Vash" trend. Bc like while I am an unrepentant monsterfucker & I LOVE when he gets super inhuman in appearance. A lot of these "uncanny vash" things just... don't feel like him. It feels like knock-off horror portrayals slapped onto his face.

For the ones that actually work with what he is, I LOVE it. But the ones that r just trying to make him some unrelated horror caricature... I'm just not into it.

#speculation nation #not main tagging this bc i dont wanna poop on ppl's fun #bc ultimately it's harmless so im not Truly complaining #it just doesnt feel like him much of the time. so im not reblogging them lol #i think he truly has the ability to be uncanny but it manifests more in the ways he moves & the biological oddities of the plants #being a bit physically Off. a bit too long of limbs. maybe some glowing eyes. the second set of lids. the too-sharp teeth of Course. #he is something inhuman masquerading as a human. and that can manifest in a lot of ways #i think my biggest problem with the trend is the ways ppl r pushing their ideas of Uncanny onto him #i saw mention of like vash suddenly Growing Taller. which does not track. aside from the feathers & angel arm #his body is actually quite static. he's able to move in really weird ways (Super Flexible. perhaps even unnaturally so. smth else uncanny) #but he Never changes form. his body is his body. aside from the times it decides to get a lil feathery with it lol #in terms of aus Sure ok the uncanny thing is just a fun thing for people to explore #but im much more interested in exploring the oddities of his physical form as he is in canon #so much potential right there. so much left unsaid. so much to extrapolate from. #im not going to lose interest in canon vash so long as im interested in this manga. and that's a promise.

[todayisafridaynight]

Sorry to keep throwing Miscellaneous Asks your way, but I finally had a moment to get my thoughts in order on one of the points on your Venn diagram I wanted to talk about! I always kind of debate whether or not to send other, semi-unrelated long asks like this when we've already got a chain going, but oh well. I'll try and address anything brought up in response here in the main one and hopefully it doesn't get confusing lol.

So I was thinking about the extent of Jo and Arakawa's relationship. It is completely true there's not much you can say that's concrete, especially since most of what we see is from Jo's perspective. Although his perspective is crucial to forming an understanding of their relationship, it's not sufficient. This is particularly the case because, coming back to giri-ninjo for a moment, Jo is largely bound by giri; it's clear his loyalty runs deep, but it's not a choice for him.

Arakawa, on the other hand, can choose who he places his trust in, especially early on. And I think it's incredibly important that, despite having men who've already been with him from day 1, men who've already been helping him with his son, Arakawa chooses to "place every confidence" in Jo (per an old Famitsu profile, one of the first official ones) and chooses to make Jo his captain.

Similarly, he kind of chooses Jo "over" Ichi in sending Ichi to prison "instead of" Jo. Perhaps the family really would collapse without Jo's talents, but… does it have to collapse entirely? Didn't Arakawa make it pretty far on his own? I guess it's neither here nor there, but I've always wondered if things would've really played out as feared if Jo went to prison instead. Not to understate Jo's role in the family, of course.

Anyway, I think that trust shows not only in overt gestures such as entrusting Masato and the family's finances to Jo, but also in more subtle behind-the-scenes ways, such as what we were talking about before with regard to New Year's 2001. There's also the fact that leaking information to Aoki was Jo's idea; for that to be the case, Arakawa would have to discuss Aoki's threats at length with Jo. (Unrelated, but come to think of it, "complying with him [to] make him see value in keeping us around" is very often the strategy of victims of abuse and neglect…)

And this one's an underrated detail many people miss, but after Arakawa shot Ichi, while he was able to come up to Ichi to tell him he's counting on him and sneak in the fake bill, if the goal was to not arouse suspicion, I don't think he would exactly have been able to excuse himself from the dinner to drive Ichi to Yokohama. Time was of the essence in terms of Ichi's survival, so that leaves Jo, who was conveniently already at the scene and who was certainly in on the "secret rule" that constitutes part of the Arakawa Family's agreement with the homeless camp. Overall, there is a pattern of Arakawa approaching Jo before anyone else, isn't there?

Sort of branching off of that, I would personally feel comfortable saying that Jo knows Arakawa better than anyone else. He seems to know details about Akane and New Year's 1976 no one else does, details Arakawa would have had to volunteer himself, and that plus his own experiences are what allow him alone to have the most complete picture of that night.

I also get the impression Jo understands Arakawa better as a person than anyone else--certainly better than Aoki, but perhaps even better than Ichi in some cases. There are multiple instances where he defends Arakawa and challenges their perceptions of him--that he's "betrayed" the Tojo Clan, that he's betrayed Aoki, that he's the type to scheme and make power-plays behind Aoki's back. He hasn't. And, despite how little Jo's "allowed" to say, he turns out to be right every time. Also worth noting Arakawa does something similar in asking Ichi to try and understand Jo's frustrations, though he's more or less enabling Jo's abuse in doing so.

Lastly, The Smallest Detail that drives me kind of insane. Them arriving at the office in the back seat of the same car in one of Ichi's flashbacks. I wouldn't think too much of it if it were any other time of day, but the first-thing-in-the-morning quality and the fact Jo isn't driving (thus it's not as an act of service but as an equal) is like… Okay. You're carpooling to work. And if you're not carpooling, you're honest-to-god living together. What the hell.

So a lot of it is this web of inferences--it has to be, at least currently--but I really do think there's a lot to chew on. More than meets the eye, anyway. I've also been stewing in all of this for years, especially since drafting Jo's relationships section, so I might just have inhaled the fumes for too long lol

Thank you for coming to me about the nature of their relationship! Although I did put it down as being more-or-less 'uncertain' on my chart, I do agree that their relationship isn't as cut-and-dry as other relationships might be (it's going back to appreciating the complexities of RGG relationships, especially in the case of the Arakawa's where for every party involved it really IS complicated)

I wanted to exclude making any definitive statements on things that couldn't be verified without making a detour on the original post (I know I already mentioned frequently that Arakawa is able to joke about Jo being 'softer' on Masato, but I do think about their relationship often and the implied depth of Jo's loyalty if- as you said- he was able to climb through the ranks of the Arakawa family much quicker than preexisting members), but there are clear points in the game that due allude to a great trust between the two (and I also note that carpooling detail during Ichi's flashback- or at the very least I know I'd find myself noticing Jo sitting in the back opposed to the front/driving). It's definitely not hard to assert that Jo knows Arakawa well either, it's hard not to come to that conclusion when we have evidence from the game to infer that.

#long post #fave #i should prob come up with an actual tag for these asks so i can easily find them and not sift through my other fave'd posts #ill do it in the morning im right about to go to bed but i just saw this pop up on my notifications #and well. we know me i've been presented an itch i have to scratch LMAO #snap chats #i feel a bit silly now- i know that their relationship isn't exactly. 'uncertain' but i didnt want to put that so i didn't appear #hmm.. i dont know the word for it. #i guess because it's not AS blatant as daigo and mine's relationship was #i didnt want to make it appear as though i was saying theres more when there isnt?? tho there definitely is.. #its a little evident i Am interested in the depths of their relationship so i promise ive thought about it #maybe i just wasnt sure how to exactly word it.. though in review the way i worded it on my chart #wasn't HORRIBLE. to most standards anyway i think however it definitely undermines the bond they have and for that #'ashamed' is hyperbolic i feel like someone would say so we'll go with 'embarrassed' to meet in the middle #but thats the benefit of peer review isnt it- just to help catch your mistakes or to help reaffirm ideas so im grateful! #but x2 again in review im a silly coward for doubting my gut on that #tho i sort of do want to torch that post- i wont tho. it's not supposed to be SUPER deep just very quick notes #so i guess i'll save the Deep Dive on jo and masumi's relationship for a future post. is what ill tell myself to keep myself sane #thank you for compiling- i suppose i'll call- their moments together ! #it's a great way to keep track of every important note on their relationship that i hope people will take note of if they havent

[akchually]

.

#so there's this girl #and there's this conversation I had where I told Prettyboy about a coworker whose version of polyamory is #'she says she needs me back in Washington but I don't have a job there. I keep telling her to get another boyfriend while I'm out of town #just make sure he's not around when I visit so I don't have to fight anybody' #That tickled me. And the conversation ended with me getting like a third of a hall pass. I gotta call if anything happens. #Call so Prettyboy feels like he's part of my romantic life even when the romance isn't him #Which is the opposite track of the one I was giggling about okay yeah #But like my best friend here is. Super pretty. Ridiculously pretty. #And kind and works hard and takes care of the people she loves. She's always finding ways to help me. #And she's vegan and loves my cooking and that's my love language okay #I wanna make sure she eats I wanna see what happens if she's given full reigns on dominance I want I yearn #And we talk for hours about nothing but it's been weeks since I've been like one third available and I dunno how to tell her #Or if I should or if I'd be just another person in her life who wants her for what she can do for them #I think my intentions are good but it's lonely. The long distance and the seasonal work and the isolated town up in the mountains. #And maybe I just want to be held. #I know she's grey ace and a lot of the romantic relationships she's had in the past were very manipulative and not what she really wanted #Maybe that's what's pulling me in so hard like am I just insecure and want to prove myself yet again #I've always been drawn to flaky people #I wanna be the one person they show up for #This is the thing that I actually need to process in therapy and can't just lsd the anxiety away #Though that worked for most things #Take hallucinagens. Once. #I'm such a hugger but only worked up the courage to hug her a few days ago. #We've been talking (lowercase t) for months. #And I know she has her own long distance unicorn relationship back in Kentucky. I'm hoping the subject will just surface again. #And then I can say hey #I think you're really pretty

[doctapuella]

⭐⭐  Let’s fill tumblr with music again! ⭐⭐

When you get this ask reply with the song that got you into your favorite band! 🎵🎶

❤️❤️ I can’t wait to see the songs that shaped you! ❤️❤️

(and pass on the love by resending this ask)

oooooo okay so im gonna give a few because i need the distraction!

first song that really made me want to be part of a fandom and yell with people:

first song i discovered on my own and yelled about without caring about a fandom (i.e. there was basically no one else at the time):

song that got me into what i consider my favorite band (not the first song i heard by them, but the first that made me go "oh shit yep here i am now:):

#i super lost track of this im so sorry moving is a NIGHTMARE #then i had several small panics about not having a single favorite artist #but i decided i dont have to! #and one of these in particular gave me real uncomfy feels thinkng about but thats a me problem #anyway!!!!!! #i think you sent this like a month ago. im so so so sorry #i just found it in the depths of my drafts #long post #inbox things

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#uuuuummmmmm hypomania? bitch what? like huh? huh????????? #fucking hello???? like that's fucking like clearing whats happening at this moment #like i mean. im still grounded but like high energy. notably elevated mood. deminished need for sleep. im like fucking on right now #and but like i really really should not b. like hello? #but like its weird bc like what does that mean? like it happens every so often like too much energy that feels unhinged #but like it doesnt really affect my life too much it just feels kinda wild and upsetting to me bc its like not in control #but like i mean right now this is notable with respect to what i normally experience. like energy higher and mood higher than normal #like its midnight and im not even a little tired after having a fucking week like what??? #not looking forward to when this breaks and i crash. but like whats the pattern her? how long has this been happening? #im gonna have to start tracking my mood bc idk i feel like im noticing it more now. like i dont remember this happening always cyclically #and like in the past it usually lasts like a day or ill have a few days where im like high energy but also fried and kinda up and down #but like im not going like full on way way high for long periods of time. but its hard to tell bc i have so much emotional dissonance #like ill have this like frantic energy while im standing completely still and i wanna grin in an unhinged way but its black static down #thr middle. so its like am i happy? and i depressed? fucking idk. im usually mostly depressed i think as a product of being so anxious all #the time. i don't usually go super low out of nowhere. i mean. i think its more linked to hormore stuff but i also think this is as well #idk its weird just. thoughts. i should start tracking my mood and ya kno also probably talk to a doctor #but like im about to lose my parents health care as i turn 26 and also fucking atrocious executive function #issues. like. it feels like my brain has holes in it. or i heard my lab mate say she was worried she had a brain tumor #bc its just like. something is not functional in the way its supposrd to be. ya kno? but like its fine #i mean. its not fine but like its fine #sigh. god im gonna forget to track this shit. like im already like my braun is disintegrating in my skull #can i pls be exused from being an adult while i have some sort of episode lol. but like idk #itll b fine. ive got a level head and an analytical brain and big control issues so i can keep myself on the rails #dispite the trashfire haha. ugh wtf do i do tonight tho. lay here abd try to sleep i guess #hope the mood stays up tomorrow so i dont like collapse into a puddle #ay ay ay. interesting. very interesting #im like a commit pinging around. a pinball bounding of those little pin thingys. ill meet with my boss Tuesday like yooooooo #idk if u havent clearly noticed but ive been a bit ya kno emotionally #unstable ✌️ or maybe ill b back to my normal sad sack self by then lol. idk weird vibes. real weird vibes but good 4 now #unrelated

[keepingthepeaceinouterspace]

.

#Cw food #My relationship with food has been not great lately (aka eating constantly as a form of procrastination/ avoidance) #So I started calorie tracking just as a way to make me stop and think and TRY #And so far (aka like 5 days) it's been super helpful #Previously when I did this I felt myself like low-key developing bad relationships to food but like #It's a good reset right now #And I decided I just track when it will be helpful and ignore other stuff #I went to a wedding yesterday and was like. The goal is not to count all of my calories. The goal is to check in with myself and make sure #Feel good about my decisions so I paced myself on apps and my entree and got the desserts I wanted most (aka #A dairy free and a dairy full cookie. For science.) #And only weighing myself when I feel like it will be helpful #Anyways that got long winded. I came here to say this because I feel so much lighter and better #And it's not the literal weight because I weigh basically the same. It's just that I'm not on my second ice cream of the day lol

[retrogradedreaming]

This morning I wouldn’t have believed I could make art that I really really loved, but after 7 hours in front of this tablet I am seeing my favorite OC in color for the first time

#I’m not fast #but I made something I love so much and as long as I still love it tomorrow I’ll post it #tonight I sent it to basically every single one of my friends #because I’ve never done digital art before and I was so frustrated with this tablet the past few days #but now I’m like….I really feel like this can enhance what I already know #i had so much fun #it also made me lose track of time which as someone who’s hyperaware of time always is SUPER rare for me #this is eli

[dihalect]

it turns out that not living in The Actual City was the only thing keeping me from being stereotypically obsessed with trains

#txt #an hour or two ago i was like #‘hey itd be nice to live somewhere with a view of above-ground rail. i wonder where the t and/or the commuter rail run above ground’ #now. uh oh #im dkf jfhfbfbdbsgdbf #the orange line goes all the way up to malden!!! and it’s only like a 20-minute subway ride from the terminus to downtown crossing!! #and that’s on the janky ass orange line!! #fuckin. there’s a corridor in south end with an amazing view of multiple tracks #(orange line and the worcester/framingham commuter rail i think) #and it’s close enough to downtown to feel sufficiently urban #but far enough out to be not super duper über-overpriced #(theoretically) #but the whole fuckin thing is monopolized by northeastern university #i legit fucking teared up when i was reading about the history of the green line #i have ridden in the oldest subway tunnel in the country!!! #a majestic graceful elegant old dame. #and it’s. above ground for so long. the places you’ll see!!! the places you’ll go!!! #fjfjndgdjdbcjj no iddhydjddjsjgd. #anyway now my years-old boston map has habitable zones demarcated by sharpie at the stations where a subway/train line surfaces

[a-earthssprout]

after a few months of stress & anxiety over a lot of " what if's ", I've finally gotten an answer with comfortable solutions to help with my health problem 😭🙏

#( 🌸 | ooc // .mobile. ) #( I had a feeling of what the diagnosis might be & turns out it was just that 🌱 #not that ... the diagnosis is anything to celebrate BUT 😤 it is worth celebrating that it isn't anything WORSE 🍄 #it's nothing super serious so please don't worry as I dance around the actual answer 😭 #but I'm quite relieved by the doctor's suggestions to manage this problem; I wasn't before bc #honestly I did not feel like I could communicate with him at all & I didn't feel like he was listening to me ... #but this at least takes me off the track of lifelong mystery ... #it's been weighing on my mind for so long & now I can start thinking about working towards improving my symptoms #which is !!! a journey itself but I feel so much more comfortable treading that path with what I know nooow 😭 #sorry for rambling I just had to share ! ) #medical tw #medical cw #health issue tw #health issue cw

[traitorsinsalem]

goodness gracious mama mia

#succ speaks #fuck the bts team for not showing them divorce court btw. #i never thought i would see such a disappointing mianite-related stream. and i watched all of isles! [old man laugh track] #somehow this was the greatest video game event i have ever taken part in thanks to the awesome community (including the one ending in mc) #but this stream sucked absolute donkey dick. glad we can get back on the server and this wasn't the end of it. #not the streamers' fault though i think. the event was just nothing like promised. i'll be honest i was an isles apologist until now. #something something they worked so hard to make it happen and keep it running why the unnecessary hate....i can't lie to myself anymore man. #a lot of us thought the stream was going to be more lighthearted and not hardass objective build judge w/ half the plots taken out for time #like sure the prize was a good amount of money but tom and jordan were clearly trying to have fun but felt like they couldn't that much. idk #the absolutely brilliant times we had building and having fun and talking and helping each other on the server felt like they were erased... #...from this stream. EVEN THE END was super watered down and dec definitely did his best to give them the background of it all. #idk. madspy and dec were super cool i feel like some other factors and/or people behind this caused it to flop with the community. #the mods can only do so much 'your build was amazing and unique you should be proud of it' or whatever without showcasing the things... #...we were all talking and laughing and excited about while on the server. it feels like this wasn't an event that was meant to leave... #a certain circle. this is just my view but personally i would have enjoyed this way more if there WASN'T a streamed judging. #or that the judging was a couple of days long so they didn't have to rush through it and everyone could be seen. #i think the mods should take our gripes into consideration rather than trying to cheer us up or act like it's our problem. #but hey. [old man laugh track] thaaaaat's our good ol' mianite! #the event itself though was incredible and i'm really happy it happened. like the actual building part. i got a lot out of it and got to... #...meet so many people. we all had a lot of fun and put in a lot of time and work but it didn't feel like a burden to partake in it yk! #having dec and madspy and wh (i forget his name all the time) on a lot was really fun too! they were really kind and fun to be around... #...and we got to learn some cool little bits of bts info. finding out that dec was 16 when mianite started was INSANE especially. #and like i'm not just salty cuz my build wasn't featured. being able to make it in the first place was enough for me bc it was my first... #...serious build! and the other people on the server really enjoyed it and to me having the community appreciate it is so much more... #...heartwarming to me and makes me happier than if this would have been a 'private' thing and the streamers looked through every bit... #...and praised it. i loved being able to take part in this event but honestly i wish i wouldn't have watched the stream. it made me upset... #...to see so many INSANE builds and aspects of builds i got to watch people work on and help them with get mere crumbs of recognition. #i know tom in particular appreciates mianite fan content so splitting this up into multiple streams so they didn't get bored or tired or... #...have to rush would have been a pretty obvious solution. but again you can always count on the mianite bts team to make things... #...unnecessarily complicated or simple while ignoring the very clear best paths! [old man laugh track]