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old-childhood-drama · 3 years

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Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas Masterpost (Toe/Jaylor)

Before dating (May 2008)

We start with the Taylor lookalike

In May 2008 the Jonas Brothers are filming their music video for Burnin’ Up [x]. Joe’s love interest in it is played by a blonde girl who looks quite a bit (and she’s also styled) like Taylor Swift, for reference, this is the music video that has Selena Gomez as Nick Jonas’ love interest.

As far as we know they hadn’t even met so we don’t know exactly what this was supposed to mean, maybe Joe had a crush on Taylor or maybe it’s a coincidence.

We do know that Nick and Selena were dating when this was filmed and that by the time the MV was released (July 4th, 2008) Joe and Taylor were officially dating.

Toe is alive! (July 2008 – September 2008)

On Tour

Fans claim to have seen Taylor around the tour in early July, which matches with Taylor’s lyrics in "Last Kiss".

Last Kiss. Taylor Swift.

I do recall now the smell of the rain

Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane

That July 9th, the beat of your heart

It jumps through your shirt

On July 14th, Taylor and The Jonas Brothers perform “Should’ve Said No”[x] from her debut album, and this performance now forever exists in their 3D movie (a classic), a cute fact is that some fans have said that Taylor tripped when she first came out, so they had to repeat it for the movie.

On July 20th Joe flies to Wyoming to watch Taylor opening up for Rascal Flatts, and they flew back and she was spotted at the Omaha show.

She’s seen in a couple shows more and she joins the stage again for their Madison Square Garden shows in August [x]. They sing “Even now just looking at you feels wrong”.

They’re together but they’re not together.

For more context, we must remember that Taylor was a very new artist from a small label and The Jonas were pretty much at their peak and Disney’s biggest act, and they were managed like crazy and could never even think about being seen with someone in a romantic way. Any rumors were denied so fast, and Disney did the absolute most to keep it secret. So according to everyone they were just good friends, at the time both Taylor and Selena were annoyed by all the secrecy.

Now back to the timeline:

Taylor is backstage of the tour A LOT for the next couple of weeks right next to the other not-girlfriends Selena and Danielle.

She films a cameo for the “Love Is on Its Way” [x] video for the concert in New York. She was said to be only interested in hanging out with Joe and they were seen hugging *gasp* I know it doesn’t seem like much now but back then this was the hottest gossip and again the Jonas were not supposed to breathe near any human of the opposite gender.

Taylor and the Jonas were staying at the same hotel a bunch of rumors ensued, but I will not talk about the whole Olympics and Toe locking themselves in a room at midnight thing. If it’s real, we really needed to touch some grass and stop staying outside of people's rooms all night.

On August 17th Joe goes to Ryan Seacrest's show and denied that Taylor is his girlfriend in the best way a corporation like Disney can train you to deny something that’s true. Saying Taylor is “a great girl and I think anybody would be lucky to date her. I think anybody would love to go on a date with her.”

And Taylor tells People Magazine “He’s an amazing guy and anybody would be lucky to be dating him” Cinematic parallels.

Taylor is spotted in the back (in a mirror) of one of the Jonas youtube videos [x]. Basically, we all knew they were together.

The Central Park date (August 28th)

Now if you were a fan of either the Jonas Brothers, Selena, or Taylor you know this next part and it the iconic triple date of Central Park.

Again, this is kind of famous at this point and Selena has been quoted saying how awful it was because the boys were not allowed to be seen with them so they all went to Central Park (Selena’s first time in Central Park) and Taylor and Selena walked about 20 feet of distance from the guys so nobody would think they were together but we all already knew because it wasn’t like they were that good at hiding it and there are pictures of them together that night (the clownery of it all).

These backstage tour adventures are the reason Taylor and Selena are friends today and in Selena’s own words the best thing to come out of those relationships.

VMAs (September 2008)

With how many pictures of them together that night [x] [x] [x] exist you would think they had gone together as a couple but no just two besties! The 2008 VMAs are so the show where Russell Brand mocks the Jonas Brothers and their purity rings and Taylor publicly defends them.

Toe seems happy for the rest of September but as we know now the end is near.

The Break-Up (October 2008)

Social Media was different back then and Taylor did what every teen girl with a broken heart did in 2008 and she went to myspace with an edited post to make a statement about the Toe current situation.

Post-Breakup

The 27 seconds Joe Jonas will regret for the rest of his life.

Taylor went on Ellen and I don’t even think I need to say much this interview is THAT iconic she sat on that couch and told the world exactly how Joe had broken her heart in the following two quotes:

“There’s one that’s about that guy, but…that guy’s not in my life anymore unfortunately. That guy…that’s an ouch.”

“I’m not even gonna be able to remember the boy who broke up with me over the phone in 25 seconds when I was 18…it was like 27 seconds, that’s got to be a record.” [x]

She also went on Ryan Seacrest’s and when asked about the perfect guy she saw an opportunity and took it, saying “I used to always say sense of humor, but I think that it’s important to have the same kind of sense of humor. I have a really dry, sarcastic sense of humor and if somebody doesn’t think that my sense of humor is funny, then that’s not something that is good. Um, so sometimes you know, that can be a wrong match. If they’re not allowed to go in public with me, that’s sort of an issue too.” [x]

Bonus the amazing youtube video Taylor posted with Joe’s Camp Rock doll and how he comes with his own phone to break up with other dolls [x]. Taylor eventually went full out and cited Camilla Belle (then girlfriend of Joe) as the reason for the breakup. And you know someone at Disney’s PR office wanted to die when this was going down.

So finally, Joe was forced to acknowledge the whole situation with a Myspace post:

"I never cheated on a girlfriend. It might make someone feel better to assume or imply I have been unfaithful, but it is simply not true. Maybe there were reasons for a breakup. Maybe the heart moved on. Perhaps feelings changed. I am truly saddened that anything would potentially cause you to think less of me. For those who have expressed concern over the "27 second” phone call. I called to discuss feelings with the other person. Those feelings were obviously not well received. I did not end the conversation. Someone else did. Phone calls can only last as long as the person on the other end of the line is willing to talk. “

Forever & Always

Now this song is known as THE Toe song and it was born out of the end of the relationship when she felt Joe was getting distant, but she couldn’t do anything to help it, it was made really late into the production of Fearless so she had to rush to finish it in time (so no other breakup songs are about Joe in the original album).

Forever & Always Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide Like a scared little boy I looked into your eyes Thought I knew you for a minute, now I’m not so sure

In the 2009 Grammy's Taylor and Miley (insert The Ex-Girlfriends Club Theory here) performed Fifteen (obviously not about Joe) and the Jonas were in the audience. I believe this is probably around the time Taylor writes Mr. Perfectly Fine and You All Over Me, which we know get to have thanks to Fearless (Taylor’s Version) 13 years later.

You All Over Me

The best and worst day of June

Was the one that I met you

With your hands in your pockets

And your 'don't you wish you had me' grin

But I did, so I smiled, and I melted like a child

Now every breath of air I breathe reminds me of then

Mr. Perfectly Fine

'Cause I hear he's got his arm 'round a brand-new girl

I've been pickin' up my heart, he's been pickin' up her

And I never got past what you put me through

But it's wonderful to see that it never phased you

In November of 2009, she also goes to SNL and mocks Joe in her monologue. "You might think I'd bring up Joe That guy who broke up with me on the phone But I'm not gonna mention him *rolls eyes* In my monologue [Spoken:]Hey Joe, I'm doing real well, tonight I'm hosting SNL [Sings:]But I'm not gonna brag about that In my monologue [x]"

To make things even more dramatic and very awkward The Jonas Brothers, Demi Lovato, and Taylor Swift spent NYE together watching the ball drop on TV and this was probably not how they wanted to start their years. [x] [x] [x] and a video [x]

Now let’s discussed some of the songs that came out at the time. The Jonas response to Forever & Always was Much Better. Nick described it as a song that was very personal to Joe and Joe went on to say that it was based on his very interesting year. They also at some point wanted to pretend the song was about their love for their fans but come on. Joe also changed the lyrics from ‘superstar’ to ‘country star’ and later changed it to ‘movie stars’ when he broke up with Camilla who is the ‘Much Better’ girl from the song.

Much Better - Jonas Brothers

I get a rep for breakin’ hearts

Now I’m done with superstars

And all the tears on her guitar

I’m not bitter

But now I see

Everything I’d ever need

Is the girl in front of me

She’s much better

Taylor’s iconic response in Better Than Revenge seems to be more of an attack on Camilla. She’s spoken about her regret for this song since then and hasn’t played it in years and Camilla seems to be ok we never forgiving her for it [x] [x]. Regardless this song remains a staple of the genre ‘Feminism OFF, Bops ON’.

“I was 18 when I wrote [“Better Than Revenge.”] That’s the age you are when you think someone can actually take your boyfriend. Then you grow up and realize no one can take someone from you if they don’t want to leave”. - Taylor 2014.

Better Than Revenge - Taylor Swift

Let's hear the applause (Come on, come on)

Come on, show me how much better you are

(So much better, yeah?)

See you deserve some applause

'Cause you're so much better

She also released "Last Kiss" about the nicer part of their relationship, and some believe other songs such as If This Was a Movie, Haunted (Speak Now) and Jump Then Fall (Fearless) are about Joe. From the Jonas, the other song believed to be about Taylor is Paranoid (Lines, Vines and Trying Times).

Jump Then Fall

Well, I like the way your hair falls in your face

You got the keys to me

I love each freckle on your face, oh

I've never been so wrapped up, honey

Probably a song was written about and in the early days of their romance and the long hair freckles [x] thing definitely fits 2008 Joe.

If This Was a Movie

Baby, what about the ending?

Oh, I thought you'd be here by now

Thought you'd be here by now

According to some this song is a sister song to "Last Kiss" in the same album and that is confirmed to be about Joe.

Haunted

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

Won't finish what you started

This song would be a sister to Forever & Always since Taylor described both to be about a relationship that was fading in the end and that she was confused as to how they got there in the first place.

"‘Haunted’ is about the moment that you realize the person you’re in love with is drifting and fading fast. And you don’t know what to do, but in that period of time, in that phase of love, where it’s fading out, time moves so slowly. Everything hinges on what that last text message said, and you’re realizing that he’s kind of falling out of love. That’s a really heartbreaking and tragic thing to go through because the whole time you’re trying to tell yourself it’s not happening. I went through this, and I ended up waking up in the middle of the night writing this song about it.” Taylor

Friendlier days are coming (2010- )

I guess time can heal a lot of wounds and Toe is seen hugging and on friendly terms at the Clive Davis party on January 31st of 2010 [x].

The world was so shocked when we realized that Joe went to see her perform in a couple of her shows in September 2011 [x] [x], and in here Holy Ground is born about her new evaluation of their former relationship rather than the bitterness of the breakup. The lyrics' secret message is “when you came to the show in SD” and the potential parallel to "Last Kiss".

Holy Ground - Taylor Swift

We blocked the noise with the sound of ‘I need you’

And for the first time I had something to lose

And I guess we fell apart in the usual way

And the story’s got dust on every page

But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now

And I see your face in every crowd…

… Tonight, I'm gonna dance

For all that we've been through

But I don't wanna dance

If I'm not dancing with you

Last Kiss - Taylor Swift

I do remember the swing of your step

The life of the party, you’re showing off again

And I roll my eyes and then

You pull me in

I’m not much for dancing

But for you I did

They're seen talking in the MTV's EMA's 2012 [x].

From here they seem to be friendly and in May of 2015 after the Billboards. They even go on a double date later that year with Gigi Hadid, Calvin Harris, and Karlie Kloss (this picture feels so cursed). Nick and Joe get invited to Taylor’s 4th of July party and they seem somewhat distant after his split from Gigi.

Present (2020- )

In 2020, we got the amazing surprise of folklore with the song ‘Invisible String’ that makes a reference to Taylor’s past songs about exes being harsh and how she sent Joe and his wife Sophie Turner a present for their baby girl’s birth. In 2021, she has now released the re-recordings of Fearless and we are all reliving the drama and enjoying the chaos of Taylor’s and Sophie’s friendship not letting Joe know peace for those 27 seconds over a decade ago.

Invisible String

Cold was the steel of my axe to grind

For the boys who broke my heart

Now I send their babies presents

#Taylor Swift #fearless #fearless (taylor's version)#forever & always #mr perfectly fine #you all over me #last kiss #toe #jaylor #joe jonas #jonas brothers #folklore #invisible string #paranoid #much better #lines #vines and trying times #better than revenge

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tenshindon · 3 years

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Have you gotten Yamcha for the ask game yet? Or Tien? 😊

i have received Neither Chaps !!! So I will now do them both :) Pause on that :) gonna put this under a Read More since This Will Be Long <3

Yamcha:

Give Me A Character and I Will Answer:

Why I like them:

Uhhhh A Lot Of Reasons. Like. A lot. BUT I will be brief and say I like him because as a kid I always thought he looked cool and I always thought his first fight with Goku was radical. With My Big Man Brain Now I love him for just how sincere of a guy he is? And how loving and friendly and supportive? And I make fun of him for it but the wolf aesthetic genuinely is really cool- not to mention how he loves to change up his outfits and hairstyles!

Why I don’t:

I have no reason to hate this man. Like none exists. In The Most Platonic Way Ever he’s literally the perfect man and I would take him home to meet my mom and even then she would be happy with me dating a man if it was Yamcha Dragon Ball.

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

I have so many favorite Yamcha moments and ergo episodes good god help me BUT I will name ONE off the top of my head so I’m not stuck here forever and I really love the baseball scene in Z for Many Reasons it’s just so good it plays on loop in my brain 24/7 so I Will Say episode 10 of DBZ :)

Favorite season/movie:

The Tien Saga.... legendary.... yes he did get his leg broken but everything before AND after that??? Immaculate. Perfect. Astounding. No The Tien Saga Is Not Therapy But I Will Use It As Such

Favorite line:

Anything Yamcha says is music to my ears and is pure gold, and aside from The Iconic “Looking good, Tien!” quote from Budokai 3, I gotta say my actual favorite quote??

“No big deal. Bones heal, just like everything else.” -Yamcha to Tien in reference to his broken leg after the 22nd World Tournament

Like. It’s SUCH a simple line but it’s SO telling of Yamcha’s character?? Tien literally broke his leg with no concern of the long-lasting effects of doing so, not to mention his dickish behavior beforehand towards Yamcha beforehand. So for Yamcha to just be ready to forgive him at the drop of a hat when he sees Tien’s seem sincerely apologetic? Dude no one talk to me I’m going to write an essay again.

Favorite outfit:

I Mean This In The Most Platonic Way Part II but Yamcha can make Literally Any outfit and hairstyle look good it should be illegal. However I am legally required to choose One (1) outfit and at this point we should all know how much I adore the desert bandit fit of his. It’s just such a classic and cute look to him (not to mention The Sword <3)

OTP:

Oh You Know :) but if you don’t it’s Yamcha and Tien- even as just Friends They’re So Good I’m Going To Write An Essay like god I want what they have so badly.

Brotp:

I love his relationship with Puar, like I genuinely would love a small arc dedicated to how they even became friends in the first place since their origin together is so mysterious yet intriguing? But aside from The Obvious answer I love his brotherly relationship with Goku and Krillin! Unfortunately that relationship wanes as they all get older but I’ll always cherish the moments where he radiated such Big Bro energy.

Head Canon:

I’ve got a dumb amount of headcanons it’s terrible BUT I think my favorite headcanon is that Yamcha’s leg never properly heals after the 22nd Tournament.

Unpopular opinion:

I. Have a lot. Of unpopular opinions. Just genuinely loving Yamcha’s an unpopular opinion in of itself BUT One of my unpopular opinions is that Yamcha’s a flirt, a cheater, and promiscuous. If he’s ever portrayed as a flirt towards women, I can give it the smallest pass in the world that he’s trying to cope but even then that’s such a stretch in my opinion- and I guess this is on top of being a headcanon but Frankly I don’t think Yamcha’s ever even kissed anyone- he’s playing the long game everyone he’ll get his kiss on his wedding day btw that’s like. Partially a joke; I joke around a lot that Yamcha’s Super dedicated to the whole Nothing Until Marriage idea lmao.

A wish:

For the love of God Yamcha pack up your shit and Puar and just move in with Tien your apartment’s shit.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

Honestly? I kind of don’t want Yamcha to get a girlfriend? But I also DO because he wants that the most in life and it’d be great to see SOMETHING nice happen to him!

My only gripe with him getting a girlfriend (and hopefully then a wife) would be that his girlfriend wouldn’t be that well defined of a character and she’d just be said in Passing Mentions.

5 words to best describe them:

Perfect, immaculate, loyal, courageous, lovely

My nickname for them:

Furry, Dumpy, and Wolfie!

Tien

Give Me A Character and I Will Answer:

Why I like them:

Again I Have A Lot Of Reasons BUT I love how like. Deceiving he is as a character. Like ask anyone and 90% of the time people will say Tien’s smart and serious and No Bullshit but no he is exactly the opposite he’s dumb as shit in any department outside of farming and fighting and he’s such a lil’ jackass when breathing next to Yamcha.

Sincerely though, I absolutely love his character development- it’s one of my favorite arcs in Dragon Ball to be honest but That’s An Essay For Another Time. I also love how funny he can be, intentionally or not, and he’s surprisingly really relatable at times? And just his dedication to fighting’s really neat too; at this point he MUST know he can never be stronger than Goku but he still tries nevertheless and that’s really indicative of his bullheaded personality.

Why I don’t:

You could not pay me to dislike him I’d sell my kidneys for Tenshinhan.

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

Any episode from the gang’s escapades on King Kai’s planet good lord save me. That’s where Tien’s existence shines the best it’s so good.

Favorite season/movie:

His own saga man like. As much as I LOVE Redeemed Tenshinhan I also love how much of a jackass he was like why was he like that LMAO

Favorite line:

Again, aside from The Iconic x2 “Looking good, Yamcha!” quote, I gotta say it’s:

“Yes... sir! <3″ -Tien preparing to strike Goku with the volleyball fist during the 22nd World Tournament.

Also “I left Chiaotzu and Yamcha behind. This seems too dangerous for them.” -Tien to Gohan during the Resurrection F saga

Favorite outfit:

Like Yamcha, Tien’s outfits always hit. Not a SINGLE one misses. BUT I gotta say I love his classic tits-out look- more so for the fact I like how he shows off his scar as a kind of way to say he’s moved on from the Crane School like Damn Son you love to see it :,) Deep reasons aside, my second-favorite outfit’s got to be the Buu Saga listen man everyone just had the Hottest outfits in the Buu Saga you can’t blame me.

OTP:

Oh You Know :)

Brotp:

Tien has Two (2) friends in his life man the pool’s small but even if it WAS larger I would say Chiaotzu anyway LMAO. Love them dudes man.

Head Canon:

Tien is just. Terribly academically and socially stupid. The Social Ineptitude isn’t even a headcanon that’s just fact but when I said he’s stupid in every department But Fighting And Farming I meant it. Flirting with Tien is a nightmare. If you’re not Yamcha or Chiaotzu joking with him is a headache. He’s only smart in the vocabulary department other than that he couldn’t tell you how many planets are in the solar system. He’s dumb as rocks but is smart enough to convince everyone around him he’s smart because he knows what picayune means.

Unpopular opinion:

I have nothing but love and respect for Krillin, but it makes like. No sense to insist Krillin’s the strongest human on earth. Tien does not go hard on that grind 24/7 just for everyone- writers included- to reduce him to such trash when fighting. But why pit two kings against each other you know?

A wish:

Please just give him one good sexy fight that’s all I’m asking for. Also Tien PLEASE use the solar flare you dumb motherfucker YOU INVENTED IT??? Actually all of my wishes are fighting related but yeah Tien for God’s Sake acknowledge how crazy your move kit is and fuck it UP MY GUY.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

Tien please don’t get a random wife I fortunately cannot see that happening but for the love of God Toei if you make that happen I will actually commit arson. Any other fear I could have either has come true or cannot happen.

5 words to best describe them:

Deceivingly smart dumbass I love

My nickname for them:

Headass, Slap Head, My Man/s, Bald Motherfucker, Polyphemus Headass (I know Polyphemus is a cyclops but shush), Four Arms, Machamp, Stitch, Roach, King, and Ikea Dresser

#snap chats #both of them are really relatable to me for different reasons if i'm honest #but yeah !! hi :)#i had to be brief because if i wasn't we would be here for nine years #also yes i do have a lot of nicknames for tien and yes they are all insults #yamchaas #reply

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samcedesvegas · 4 years

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Night in Vegas || Samcedes

Who: Sam Evans and Mercedes Jones

What: Sam and Mercedes go out on the town for some much needed fun

Where: Las Vegas, NV

Mercedes sat on her bed in the hotel room. This week they had been working on their Vegas scenes, and she had to admit, she still thought Sam was a player and while she didn't want to be with him, she was glad that they could at least be friends. Wearing a long nightshirt and glasses, her hair was up in a messy bun as she worked on her lines.

As her phone rang she sighed. "Hello?"

"Tell me you are getting dressed and going out tonight!" She heard Tina huff out.

Mercedes sighed. "I am staying in, Tina, plus i don't have anything to wear."

Tina laughed. "This is your last night in Vegas, come on live a little, and have some fun."

Sam had already lost a nice portion of his money down in the casino...he was never all that good at black jack. But he always seemed to have fun losing his money on that game. It was his go to, next to the slots. What good was Vegas without a little overindulgence? After, he found himself at the bar drinking his sorrows away. Not real sorrows but you get the point. The only other thing on his mind right now was Mercedes Jones. The rest of the cast was heading out for a night on the town and he definitely wanted to see her face tonight. So he made his way up to her floor. Knocking on the door he waited for an answer.

"I am having fun." Mercedes insisted. And Tina sighed. "Look go out have some fun, I even packed you a little something something."

Mercedes laughed. "That skintight red two piece oh I saw that!" "Good so wear it, have fun and call me in the morning. You need to let loose. Just once."

Mercedes was about to respond when she heard someone knock on her door. "Tina I am gonna call you back." She said hanging up and going to the door. "Sam? What are you doing here?"

“Well I just lost all my gambling money in one hour and I was needing a little pick me up.” He chuckled as he leaned inside the door frame of Mercedes’ hotel room. The beautiful twinkling lights of sin city shining in the background. The hotels were always nicer when production paid for them. “C’mon, let’s hit the town. The night is still young and I’m only two Whiskeys in.”

Mercedes smiled. "Wow big spender huh?" She teased. "Thanks for the offer but I think I am just gonna stay here and go over my lines. Make sure I got it down."

Sam chuckled. “More like a big loser.” He asked for permission to step inside. Once the door closed he sighed. “You and I both know you have the lines down. No way you’d mess up. I should be the one staying in, but I’m not because it’s Vegas! We can even ditch the rest of the cast.” He added that last part hoping she’d agree.

Mercedes let him in and sighed sitting on the bed. "Sam I don't do night out, I wouldn't even know where to begin." She ran her hand through her hair. "What would we even do?"

"I dunno, anything but sit here like a bump on a log all night when we're in Vegas!" he repeated. He wasn't buying the act. He knew deep down Mercedes knew how to have a good time. He also knew that she'd look amazing all dressed up so he had to convince her to come out with him. "There are shows, we can go and get some drinks and dinner. Whatever you want."

Mercedes chewed her bottom lip. "I dunno...I mean Tina told me that I should get out.." She sighed, she really did want to get out and have fun... "Fine, I can be ready in 20." She said getting out of the bed and going to her closet in the suite. "Be right back." She said as she disappeared into the bathroom.

Success! Sam was ecstatic that he'd actually gotten her to say yes. It was the charm, he just knew it. As he waited he plopped down on the couch of her hotel suite and waited for her to get ready.

Mercedes quickly got dressed, but stood staring at herself as she applied her makeup. The sheer two piece genie-esq outfit. It showed off her assets without her being trashy. Tina was good at that, good at her being guiding light. letting her hair fall over her shoulders. Stepping out of the bathroom she went to grab her shoes. "Okay, lets go."

If his eyes could literally pop out of his head, they would've. Mercedes in that outfit was a winning combination in his eyes. "Whoah, and you're telling me you don't go out? I'm finding that hard to believe." He smiled at her. "You look amazing, now I feel underdressed." he started playfully referring to his plain black button up and jeans.

"Shut up" She laughed. "Tina packed this for me, I just didn't think I was gonna need it." She grabbed her room key and some spending cash, and made her way to the door. "You ready? You are gonna have to lead the way. BTW, you look good tonight too."

"Thank you. I do try." Sam happily led the way down the elevators and through the large lobby. He was currently calling them a car service so they could make their way through the city unnoticed. He wasn't all that sure they would be able to because Mercedes was a pretty big star. He was up-in-coming himself, but his biggest role was when he was about seventeen so he was sort of getting back accustomed to the limelight.

Mercedes smiled as he led her through the hotel. "I should probably call Bruno...tell him I am leaving for the night, he really doesn't like me going out along." She said looking around as the car pulled up.

So far, the night wasn't that bad. They went to the MGM Grand and saw a show and now they were on their way to the hottest club. "Club X" it only took her two seconds to be noticed by the bouncer and taken right up to the VIP lounge. Drinks were even "On the house." which she wasn't upset at.

Sam was definitely enjoying his time out on the town with Mercedes. The way her face lit up when she was excited about something, it was a nice change of pace. Plus he was just happy to be in her presence any way that he could. She was finally listening up after a few drinks and as they entered the VIP section of the club Sam couldn't help but be genuinely excited. Free alcohol and being treated like royalty. "So this is how they treat the queen of R&B huh?" he yelled over the music, or at least tried to as he cracked open the champagne.

Mercedes laughed at Sam as he opened the champagne and held her cup up to him. "I wouldn't say Queen of R & B. I don't have a crown or anything." She teased at him. She held her glass up to his as he filled them both. "Here is to a great night! And you joining me on the dance floor."

Sam shook his head. "If you can handle my white boy moves" he did his signature hip thrust before taking a sip of his champagne. "Oh yeah and cheers to this amazing project and making Brooklyn and Ryder come to life."

Mercedes snorted, shaking her head. "Oh my Go- I can't with you!" She clinked her glass to his and nodded. "Yeah you have impressed me what can I say. You make playing Brooklyn very easy." She downed her glass and stood. "Come on show me your "white boy moves''." she laughed

Sam smiled, grabbing Mercedes' hand and leading her out onto the dance floor. He spun her around, her hand in his. One of his favorite songs played over the speakers and he didn't hesitate to show off what he was working with. He was happy to gain a smile from Mercedes in the process.

Mercedes laughed as Sam led her to the dance floor and then danced with her. When he wasn't coming onto her, he was fun to be with and really hot. A slow song came over the speakers and she pulled Sam close. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders she held him close to her.

Sam hadn't even noticed the music had changed until he felt Mercedes' arms draped over his shoulders. He followed her lead, one arm wrapped firmly around her waist. "So, what's one thing you've always wanted to do? We should do it tonight. YOLO."

Mercedes was surprised at the question. "Oh ummm lets see...I know it sounds crazy but I always wanted to go to the Garden of the Gods Pool Oasis." She said as someone taped her shoulder. Looking up she was face to face with Nate.

"Hey beautiful mind if I cut in?"

Mercedes stared at him as she stopped moving. "Oh hell no! Are you following me now? Stalking is against the law in case you forgot."

Sam raised a brow, just when he and Mercedes were making it somewhere. He sighed turning to Mercedes, assuming she would handle this guy. He'd only step up and say something if he felt he needed to defend her. From where he was standing though, it looked like she had it all handled.

Mario looked at Mercedes and laughed. "Baby you know that I am the life of the party, I come to Vegas all the time. Heard about your movie."

"Nathan I am losing my patience with you, what do you want??"

Nate took her hand but she immediately pulled it away. "What do you want?"

Nate sighed. "You. I want you back. I want you to forgive me and we can start over."

Once Sam looked a little closer he realized he knew exactly who this dude was. He was in the NFL! He played for the Oakland raiders and of course Sam was a fan. Now he was feeling pretty bummed out. How was he supposed to compete with a very handsome & very rich NFL player? He took a small step back but not too much in case Mercy needed him.

Mercedes sighed heavily. "Nathan, you lied, you cheated and I dumped you for a reason. Now go away."

Nate laughed pulling her to him. "Come on baby you know you still want me."

Mercedes pulled away shoving Nate. "Dude we are over I moved on." She turned towards Sam and pulled him close, kissing him deeply. She pulled back with a smile. "Come on let's get out of here."

Unexpected? Yes. Complaining? Not at all. Sam was beyond surprised but he welcomed the kiss. He couldn't help but smirk in the face of Nate as he quickly ushered Mercedes off the dance floor and toward the nearest back exit. "Mind telling me what that was all about?" he whispered into her ear, his hand resting on the small of her back.

Mercedes let Sam lead her to the back exit and sighed once they were out. "I am sorry I just...he makes me extremely angry...can we just go to the limo and I will explain that to you." She glanced around and took Sam's hand as they made their way to the limo. Once inside she immediately went to the mini fridge and grabbed one of the mini vodka's. "Gotta love production for hooking us all the way up."

Sam joined Mercedes in a drink as they settled into the comfy leather limo seat. He grabbed a whisky mini shot and poured it into one of the chilled glasses. “Hollywood. Good shit.” He smirked, tossing back more than half of his drink. “So tell me? What was that all about?”

After downing the first mini bottle, she grabbed another. "I met Nate about 4 years ago when I sang the National Anthem for a game, we hit it off immediately and started as me just going to games and next thing I know he asked me out and we started dating. It was kinda hard with us both being so busy but we made it work. We dated for about 2 years and last year he asked me to come to his record breaking game and I wanted to. I truly did but I was on tour and there was no way to get to his game and make it to my show on time. He was pissed and that night he went out partied hard and cheated on me. When I asked if what I heard was true he said no but there were pictures. So i broke up with him and that was that. But he doesn't take being dumped lightly and wants me back."

Sam shook his head. How could anyone cheat on Mercedes Jones? She was beautiful, witty, smart as a whip, talented as hell and so much more. It was quite baffling to him, but he'd keep his comments to himself. Right now he was just going to be a listening ear. Sam nodded as she gave him all the details and it was safe to say he was no longer a Nate fan. "Well he's an idiot, and you deserve better anyway." he assured her.

Mercedes smiled listening to Sam. She didn't know if it was the alcohol or the fact that she really did really like him but his words just made her wanna kiss him and being a bit tipsy she just gave in and leaned in kissing him deeply, she wrapped her arms around his neck moving closer to him. "Lets go to the fountain." She said against his lips. "Or somewhere fun."

Sam was surprised but he didn't fight against it. Why would he? She was gorgeous, he was hot...in his mind it was inevitable. Or maybe it was all the feelings she was trying to hide for her ex. That troubled Sam a bit, and as much as he didn't want to protest...the good guy inside of him forced him to ask "Is this about that Nate dude?". He wiped her gloss from his lips. "Because we can go wherever you want, just wanna make sure you know what you're doing."

Mercedes was sad he pulled away but sighed it was probably for the best she wasn't sober enough to keep her feelings in check. But hearing him ask about Nate bothered her, "Why would this be about Nate? I dumped him, there are no residual feelings. I kissed you cause I wanted too and now I want to drink more and go to the fountain." She said telling the driver where to go.

Sam didn't want to be that guy. The one that took advantage of a woman that was hurting. That just wasn't his style. Guess you could say his mother raised him right. But he would gladly have some fun with Mercedes. Even if it was just to keep her mind off her ex. "Okay just checking." He grabbed another shot so he could catch up to her. "Let's tear the roof off this town!"

She had called ahead to let the hotel know she was coming, and smiled taking another shot. "Come on Sam!!!!" She said as the doors opened and they were led inside. Since it was night, there was no one there, and they could just enjoy its beauty. She had stayed at the Caesar a few times and never had a chance to truly enjoy it. She marveled at the beautiful waterfall in the fountain. Even in her drunken state she could appreciate it.

It was like a scene out of a movie the way everything was so perfectly lit up. He would know, he'd been in a few. It was almost perfect. Sam was ready to enjoy the moment. It had been so long since he felt this alive and he was going to to hold on to this feeling. "I'm pretty sure this is nearly perfect."he looked down at Mercedes, wrapping one arm around her waist. He used his free hand to pull out two more mini's. "Might as well take another shot." he winked at her.

Mercedes laughed. "I mean we might as well." Between the champagne and all the bottles she was feeling really good. Taking the shot she turned towards Sam. "Kiss me, kiss me like Ryder kissed Brooklyn when she told him she loved him." She said, slightly slurring.

Sam looked down at the shorter woman beside him. Quickly tossing back his shot, he wrapped his other arm around her body. Pulling her close to him he went in for the kill. Gently brushing his lips over hers before fully indulging in the kiss

Mercedes quickly returned his kiss wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. "Your kissing has gotten so much better." She confessed as she pulled him closer to her . "Wanna go back to my room?"

Shaking his head Sam raised an eyebrow. "I knew you'd come around sooner or later. Who can deny these lips?" he only half-joked. When Mercedes gave him the invitation he readily accepted. Though it was a bit out of character from the day they met, he wasn't about to turn her down. "After you my lady." he gestured toward the awaiting limo.

Mercedes nodded walking to the Limo. The moment the door was closed she was all over Sam, moving closer so she could kiss him hungrily, after a few moments she pulled away. "Wait, wait....I always wanted to do something else." She sat up, hitting the button to the sun roof and stood up screaming. "Vegas!!!!!"

Sam was surprised at Mercedes but he happily welcomed more kisses from her. then suddenly she was off of him and hanging out the sunroof. He held onto her, afraid she might fly away. When he could steady himself enough, he popped his head out beside hers. "Woooo!" he shouted as the wind blew his hair back.

She was thankful to Sam because with how many drinks she had she was not steady on her feet at the moment. When he joined her, she smiled leaning into him. "Best night ever." As the car drove she gasped and moved back inside. "Mack can we pull over!!" He nodded as she turned to Sam. Let's get married!"

"Whoa!? Married?" he asked with the most puzzled expression. Sam quickly pulled Mercedes back down into the limo. "You sure you're okay?" he pretended to check her temperature with a chuckle.

Mercedes laughed. "Not us!!!!!! Ryder and Brooklyn. " she grabbed a bottle and frank it as the limo stopped, she was thirsty. "We should go practice them getting married!!!!! It's genius, it's like rehearsal!"

Sam was still confused but he was going to go along with it for the sake of not upsetting Mercedes. The alcohol was definitely settling in now so he probably would've agreed anyway. "This is an improvement on a whole new level. I like it! Let's do it!"

She squealed, kissing him again and getting out of the car. She looked to the driver. "We will be back!" She grabbed Sam's hand and led him to the chapel. Walking in she was greeted by the Host.

"Welcome to Perfect Weddings, Wedding Chapel, my name is Rita, how can I make your wedding perfect?"

"Hi I am Brooklyn and that's Ryder and we want to get married!"

The woman looked from Mercedes to Sam and back to Mercedes. "Ooookay....so what Wedding Packet are you looking at?"

"The best one you got." Mercedes beamed.

Rita gave the pair a troubled look. Her eyebrow raised in confusion. She almost parted her lips to ask if they were sure but she decided against it. After filling out all the paperwork they were led to a small quaint chapel. Sam still wasn't fully aware of exactly what they were doing but he was just going with the flow.

Mercedes must have looked crazy but in her drunken state she was sure this was a great idea. As they were led in front of an officiant they were asked once more if they were sure. Mercedes smiled thinking over her lines in the movie. "I have waited for a very long time for this man to want me. I love him. I have loved him for years. Ryder is my soulmate."

Sam looked over at Mercedes, not able to contain his chuckle. But he quickly pulled it together as he improved a line of his own. "We are beyond sure sir, never been more sure in my entire life." He gave Mercedes a wink, suddenly reaching down to grasp her hand. He laced their fingers together before turning back to face forward. "Let's do this!"

She would like to say she remembered how the rest of the ceremony went, but after Sam said let's do this, one of the staff brought them Champagne and the rest was as they say hazy, she remembered saying I do, and Sam and her laughing as they exited with their fake Marriage License. And now they were in her room, on her bed making out and she wanted him bad. But it went against her rules, and while she tried to pull away, her body betrayed her.

His hands gripped her waist as they rolled around in the very expensive satin sheets below them. Sam was definitely ready to go. He was also nowhere near sober. The room was spinning, but somehow he could still focus on the beauty beneath him. He pulled back from her lips, taking a much needed breath of fresh air. He didn't mean to but he looked into her eyes, deeply. Not saying a word he went back in for another kiss.

"Oh God." She moaned out against his lips. "Sam...." left her lips when he pulled away to look at her. Something about the way he looked at her caused her to throw caution to the wind, she would worry about this when she was sober, right now her drunken body wanted him. "I want you.”

The alcohol had settled in and Sam had left the building. He was officially his alter ego....white chocolate. White chocolate was a name he gave himself whenever he was doing something a little more edgier than Sam usually would. And right now white chocolate was slowly peeling off the layers of Mercedes Jones' clothing. "I'm all yours." he mumbled against her perfectly full lips.

Mercedes hissed at his words, he was all her and she couldn't have been happier. She lifted just enough to help him remove her clothing as her hands went to his shirt, removing the buttons and running her hands down his bare chest stopping at his belt. She looked up at him, doe eyes finding his perfect green ones. She sat up taking his lips back to hers as she undid his belt, tossing it to the side.

Sam immediately found a soft spot in the crook of Mercedes' neck, placing gentle kisses as he fumbled around with her bra. His lips met hers again as he easily slipped out of his jeans. His kisses trailed down the length of her body. He made sure not to leave one inch un-kissed. Her body deserved to be worshiped. Coming back up to her lips he hovered over her for a moment. "You sure?" he asked sweetly. No matter how much whiskey was overflowing in his system, he was still a gentleman first.

Her body was on fire, everything Sam did to her, set her aflame and right now an inferno was brewing within her. As he hovered over her, she bit her bottom lip staring at him. His question caused her to pause for a moment, before she reached out, entangling her hands with his. "i'm sure."

Sam reached over into the back pocket of his jeans that had been tossed to the bottom of the bed. He retrieved the condom from his back pocket. After situating himself, he gently spread her legs and positioned himself properly. Gripping his hands on her thighs, he slowly moved his hips forward as he entered her. His lips crashing against hers once again.

Mercedes sat in anticipation as he retrieved the condom and held her breath as he pushed himself inside of her. It had been over a year since she was last with anyone and Sam wasn't small to say the least but the slightly painful stretching was soon replaced with the fullness of him. As he kissed her, her hands ran down his pack, wrapping her thighs around his waist as she cried out his name against his lips.

It was everything he'd imagined it would be. The way she felt, the way his name spilled from her lips. The passion and ecstasy all rolled into one. It was beyond amazing. Sam could feel her walls pulling him in as she wrapped her legs around him. He kept up a steady pace, burying his face in the crook of her neck as their bodies connected completely. "Damn, you feel amazing..." he breathed out.

Mercedes back arched as she gave in to everything Sam was giving her. She hadn't ever felt this good and she didn't want it to end. Her head fell back onto the bed as Sam worked her over. "Tell me you like it Sam, tell me how much." She begged.

JP. Sam lifted Mercedes from the best a bit. He pushed her legs back, her feet resting on his shoulders. “I don’t like it baby, I love it.” He groaned deeply, trying to keep himself from reaching his peak too early. She felt amazing. He was surrounded by her and she, by him.

Mercedes screamed out, begging for more, this new position causing him to move deeper inside of her. Her hands ran through her hair as she gripped the headboard. Her body reached that peak she so needed and wanted.

He fell deep into her center, enjoying every moment. Her moans and screams were like music to his ears. Once he was sure she was completely satisfied he finally allowed himself to let go. His breathing was heavy as he lowered her legs and leaned down to kiss her perfect lips once again. Then he rolled to his side and fell flat on his back. “....wow” he mumbled against the skin of her shoulder.

Mercedes laid back catching her breath. She closed her eyes, her body still tingling all over. She swallowed hard as her eyes drew closed. "We really need to do that again." she slurred.

#samcedes rp #samcedes 1x1 #mercedes jones #sam evans

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manifestoonmoralmanlove · 5 years

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Gormless Ch. 2 - Nudie Groovin’ straight into a plot crater.

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband. In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England. Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag. She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon. He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok. Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything. Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government. She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause...cause.

Last time on Gormless:

Alexia’s husband gotta do a thing in London. Her lawn is full of hot werewolves and the hottest one tried to both beat the shit out of her and fuck her. She’s not into being beat up, but she still wants to fuck him. That’s healthy. She’s gotta get to London too but her token dumb friend, Ivy, shows up and wants to talk about how she’s engaged to someone she doesn’t love.

Chapter 2 - Nudie Groovin’ straight into a plot crater.

Maccon is running his little wolf butt over to London where the problem is. As he’s running he thinks, “My wife has said I’m handsome in my wolf form but never in my human form.”

Damnit Alexia you’ve implied you think dogs are hotter than people twice already and we’re only at chapter two and like...I��m all for horny female leads, but Alexia is directing her horniness in every direction and some of them are incorrect.

Meanwhile Ivy is fussing over the servant who got punched, Tunstell. Ivy and Tunstell were the two that Lyall and Alexia tried to shack up at Alexia’s wedding. So, as predicted, Ivy is marrying somebody not Tunstell cause DRAMA! However in the span of 2 pages they make…I shit you not…7 separate references to how badly the two are pining for each other. Mind you some of the references are multiple sentences long and this type face is fucking enormous.

They’re not even cute, clever, or even amusingly overplayed. After this many references in such a short time frame I’d count that as haha FUCKING ANNOYING! Alexia, like a good friend, tells Ivy that Tunstell is a servant of the pack so he can become a werewolf someday, and that if he gets to that point he’ll probably die during the transformation. If he doesn’t get to that point, Tunstell as an actor is paid in dirt and dysentery. So it’s better that she’s marrying any other dude. That was some ice cold shit that I was honestly not expecting at all out of her. Alexia personally tried to get the two of them together at the end of the last book, and her recent ~romance~ bloomed against all odds. The only reason she’s dumping this shit on Ivy is to make sure this drama lasts more than a chapter…or maybe she doesn’t think Tunstell and Ivy have a healthy relationship cause they don’t spend all of their interactions screaming or fucking or scream-fucking each other.

But eventually Alexia remembers she’s late for a meeting so she hops in her carriage to get there. Ivy goes with her and it’s stated that Ivy relates to Alexia her wedding plans for 2 hours straight. And oh lord, I have been in similar situations. A part of me feels for Alexia, but another part of me is like...not long ago I read what felt like 20 pages of wedding dress, food, and decor descriptions. So she gets what she deserves.

We eventually get to the meeting and thus meet the head werewolf and vampire who she just refers to as their titles. The head werewolf is called a Dewan and is a big hairy grump who high-key hates her. The head vampire is called a Potentate and is a slimy suck-up who low-key hates her.

Let’s set the timer for when they both begrudgingly come to respect her!

We tediously re-explain the humanization phenomenon and introduce the ~glassicals~ again. Great that was so important and hilarious from the last novel. The Potentate also implies there’s a supernatural race stronger than the ones we already know. DUN DUN DUN! Also that an Alpha werewolf from Maccon’s old pack has mysteriously died. DUN DUN DUN! Eventually both the Potentate and the Dewan accuse Alexia of causing this humanization problem in London but eventually they all decide it is some ~science~ thing. They also bring up all the soldiers are coming back at the same time but the literal head of the military, the Dewan, when asked about this is like, “I honestly don’t know? I think it’s cut-backs I guess?” I’m glad we have an ominous plot point to build mystery and tension, but I really wish you didn’t slip it between two slices of real shit writing.

So they put Alexia in charge of investigating this phenomenon. So what does Alexia do? She goes home, reads some books in her library, gives up, and goes to bed.

She does not send people out to interview those who have ties to anti-supernatural movements, investigate abandoned buildings, quiz any scientists working in the science of the supernatural, check to see if any supernatural people where murdered since it’s been going on, see if it started in certain parts of London before others, or question powerful supernatural people in the London area to find some potential suspects. She could also try to figure out if anything else was happening around the same time for clues, like I DON’T KNOW how all these military folks are coming back at the same time?

Nah bro, just read old ass books you’ve already read for clues to a brand new phenomenon.

In the first book it made sense that she just wandered around and asked her buds for help cause she was a nobody just curious about shit. She’s now one of the most powerful women in the most powerful nation and now she’s doing less than the 1st book? Yep she is a keen investigator! Glad you put her in charge Queeny!

So Maccon comes back, says the humanization thing has suddenly and mysteriously stopped. We almost get more information but they do the thing they’re best at. By that I mean, they sorta put in a token effort to argue with each other over petty bullshit but they’re too horny to care enough and bang. But we get fade to black don’t ya know. K book, that’s why I have an adult novel!

Say something nice faps:

At least there’s plot. Plot that is starting mysterious in order to build some tension.

Lots of exposition in this chapter that’s not total garbage.

I can approve of Ivy having a crush on Tunstell, the dramatic twink. I would feast for years upon dramatic twinks before I’d even glance at 1 perfumed Neanderthal.

They make a gay joke at Maccon’s expense while he’s naked. And a part of me thrills to see an egotistical homophobe humiliated.

Gotta agree with the higher ups, Alexia does suck, but it’s best not to feed her hungry-as-hell persecution complex.

When Maccon and Alexia bang it implies that Maccon goes down on her. And like…cunnilingus is awesome okay, I’ll celebrate consensual cunnilingus almost anywhere.

#gormless #changeless #riffing

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bbclesmis · 5 years

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King Of The Castle: At Home With Dominic West

As the star of HBO's The Wire and The Affair, Dominic West made his name playing conflicted Americans battling their demons and struggling to find their places in the world. And cheating on their women. In real life, he's a self-deprecating father of four from outside Sheffield, and among his chief preoccupations is how to preserve the 800-year-old Irish castle inherited by his wife.

"Excuse me," says Dominic West, "I’m just going to wipe this so you can sit down and you won’t be infected with disease." About seven crumbs on his otherwise clean kitchen table disappear with the swipe of a tea towel, and he gets back to the business of making lunch. We’re in the kitchen of his house in Wiltshire, where he lives with his wife Catherine and their four children.

His head turns from cupboard to cupboard, like he’s watching a tennis match. “Where has the rice gone? Would you like rice?”

Yes please, if that’s what you’re having.

“I am, if I can fucking find it.”

He fucking finds it and a pan of rice goes on the hob next to the pan of leftover beef stew. “So I’m on the cover?” he says, looking out of the window. “But doesn’t that mean you’ve got to try and make it interesting?”

In 2000, Dominic West joined an Argentinian circus. This was the year before he auditioned for and won his breakthrough role of Detective Jimmy McNulty on The Wire and the year after he had a single line (“The boy’s here to see Padmé”) as a guard of one of those science-fiction sliding doors in Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace. He was 30, five years out of drama school and father to a one-year-old daughter.

The circus, De La Guarda, had a show, also called De La Guarda, at the Roundhouse in Camden. It was the hottest ticket in London that year. The audience entered the round to ambient music under a low paper ceiling. Performers would burst through the paper, on ropes, and eventually a pounding live soundtrack accompanied a dozen or more roped performers as they ran around the walls of the circular venue. Water rained down. Some audience members would be lifted into the air; others, perhaps more fortunate, would be pressed into urgent dancing with attractive, adrenalised Argentinians unclipped from their shackles. Or indeed, West himself.

‘What’s amazing,’ says Keira Knightley, ‘is that Dominic can play characters who should be total dickheads, yet he manages to give them a point of view and his own incredible charm. It is a great skill’

“Why did I do it?” says West, somewhat incredulously. “You saw it! Wouldn’t you want to run away and join that circus? It was such a sexy show. I saw it in London and New York, then heard they were auditioning in London and I had to do it. I did a lot of shows in five months with those amazing men and women, then they went to Vegas. It was a disaster there. The water. People dressed up for a Vegas show — of course they didn’t want to get wet.”

West didn’t want to go to Vegas. But he would end up spending a lot more time in America, filming five seasons of The Wire and four seasons of The Affair, with a fifth and final one due to start filming a couple of days after we make lunch.

“The toughest part of making these big episodic American television shows is missing my family and the boredom,” he says, gearing himself up for the process to begin again. “Sitting around waiting and not being bored is hard. There was a time when I had a play in the West End [Butley, 2011] and was learning Iago [for Othello] and I had more on than usual. That was hard work, but the harder that aspect of the work gets, the more enjoyable it is. Actual graft is what’s great about acting. That’s something I relish, because most of the time, it’s about coping with tedium.”

To stop himself being bored on set, West likes to have fun. “You can’t not have fun with him,” says Keira Knightley, soon to be seen alongside West in the film Colette. “I think fun is something that Dominic brings to everything. He very much likes a night out, is always up for a laugh and is, in the best way, wicked. And he is a phenomenally good actor, he really is. So effortless.”

“For a lot of us,” Knightley says, “who do actually need to concentrate when we’re working, it’s, ‘How are you that good when you're chatting and joking until the very last second?’ Even I had to tell him to shut up so I could concentrate. Which I had to do quite a lot.”

West is not about to shut up. And he’s not the only one. “I just did a thing with Olivia Colman [a BBC mini-series adaptation of Les Misérables] and: fuck me! Ha ha ha! The whole thing is like playing top-level sports with her. How frivolous can you be up to ‘Action!’ and then be amazing. She doesn’t do that consciously, she is just really fucking good. She is way, way, way better than me. I had to stop listening to her because she is so funny.”

Then a more serious thought occurs. “Malcolm Gladwell’s thing about 10,000 hours [the writer’s theory, from his book Outliers, that to be expert in any field requires that exact amount of practice time]? I worked it out and I’ve had at least 20,000 hours. I’ve acted so much now I can turn it on and off, and that’s maybe where the humour thing comes in. I have had an awful lot of practice at this.”

Dominic West first got the taste for drama when he was nine years old. His mother, Moya, gave him a part in her amateur production of The Winslow Boy, at Sheffield University’s drama studio. His father, George, had a factory in Wakefield that made vandal-proof bus shelters. George’s father, Harold, a managing director of a steelworks in Barnsley, fought in WWI and was wounded at the Battle of Vimy Ridge. “After, he wrote a note to go with his medals,” says West, “that said, ‘Here are a few mementos from a deeply happy part of my life’.” West has found documentaries commemorating the centenary of the Armistice “deeply moving.”

He is the sixth of seven children, with five sisters and an elder brother. They grew up in a large house on the edge of the Peak District, about 10 miles southwest of Sheffield. He boarded at Eton and hated it to begin with. “I was very homesick, had no reference to it, didn’t know anyone who had gone and I felt I was in the wrong place.” Inspiring teachers and school plays gave him something to be excited about and set him on his path.

“It’s pretentious to say, really, but my acting education was defined by doing Hamlet at Eton, reading Ulysses when I was doing my English degree at Trinity College in Dublin, then War and Peace, which we put on at Guildhall [School of Music & Drama in London]. That’s it, really. All I learned anywhere.”

Legend has it that in the audience watching his Prince of Denmark was Damian Lewis, a couple of years behind West at school, and later the star of Band of Brothers, Homeland and Billions. So taken was the younger lad by what he saw that he decided to become an actor.

“Categorically: no,” Lewis tells me, over the phone from Los Angeles. “I had always acted at school and always enjoyed it. Me thinking it was something I could do more seriously didn’t happen until I was 16 years old, after seeing Dom do Hamlet. He was very charismatic. A big, booming sonorous voice, especially for a 17-year-old. I was very taken with him, he was very captivating up on stage.”

Since graduating from Guildhall, West has worked solidly. He is not a huge movie star but is highly successful and versatile. There aren’t many men who could convincingly play both Fred West and Richard Burton, as West has done. He won a Bafta for his Fred West. He’s most memorable as Jimmy McNulty, not least because he and The Wire are so good, but also because constant reminders of those two facts have become standard reference points in the increasingly vast conversation about the New Golden Age of TV.

He has, in his own words, played “a long line of philandering cads”, from McNulty on to Hector Madden, the Fifties news anchor in two seasons of The Hour for the BBC, to Noah in The Affair and Willy in Colette. “What’s amazing,” says Keira Knightley, “is that he can play characters that should be total dickheads, yet he manages to give them a point of view and his own incredible charm, so you sort of forgive them for how terrible they might be. It is a great skill.”

But he is far from typecast. His five film roles previous to Willy in Colette are: Lara Croft’s dad, a sort of country-gent Indiana Jones, in Tomb Raider; a quietly pompous pyjamas-wearing modern artist in the Swedish film The Square, which won the Palme D’Or at the 2017 Cannes Film Festival; Rudder, a comic-relief Cockney sea lion in Pixar’s Finding Dory; a Teflon swine of a CEO opposite George Clooney and Julia Roberts in Money Monster; and, in Genius, Ernest Hemingway.

There have been stage successes, including star turns in the West End. Following up the blockbuster and critically lauded play Jerusalem, the writer Jez Butterworth and director Ian Rickson could have done any play with anyone on any stage. They chose Dominic West to star in The River, a short, intense play with one man and two women in the 90-seater upstairs room at the Royal Court Theatre in London, for which West won universal praise.

‘It is a bad thing to be self-deprecating. It’s quite an English thing, which you become very aware of in America. People don’t understand: why do yourself down? I sort of agree with it, now’

“Dominic is able to unleash his unconscious in a really ‘present’ way,” says Ian Rickson. “It allows him to fuse into the darkness of Fred West, for example, or the troubled soul of McNulty. In terms of archetypes, he has a trickster quality hiding a warrior/lover inside. That’s exciting. There’s very little ego and a lot of generosity of spirit. He actually has a refreshingly comic sense of himself, so he does really value the opportunities he has, and doesn’t take them too seriously.”

West feels he does and he doesn’t. “I suppose deep down there’s a feeling that what I do isn’t desperately serious. It might have been Mark Boxer, the cartoonist, who said he went to some lunch for cartoonists, an awards maybe, and he was having a piss and the guy next to him said, ‘Cartoonist. It’s not a real job, is it?’ And he said, ‘No, it’s not. Isn’t that great!’ He took great comfort from that and I feel the same about acting. But there is something in me which feels, partly because I have been doing it all my life and did as a hobby before I did it professionally, that this is not a serious job for adults.”

Perhaps this is why he’s so self-deprecating. Twice during our conversations, he says that he’s not a “real actor”, bringing up Daniel Day-Lewis’s commitment to doing an accent the entire time he makes a film, on and off set, and his own inability to match that; and pointing out Robert De Niro’s weight gain for Raging Bull. For Colette, West wore a fat suit.

And yet, during our conversations, he trots out seven perfect accents and imitations: Mick Jagger, the German film director Werner Herzog, Northern Irish, Irish, Australian, New York and a deep, thespian-type voice to convey mock indignance. He’s not showing off. Some of the voices were to make anecdotes funnier and others were just as anyone might do an accent subconsciously when you think of someone with an accent. You know, for fun.

But he can be serious. “It is a bad thing, to be self-deprecating,” he says, a little bit disappointed with himself. “Maybe it’s an educational thing. It’s quite an English thing, which you become very aware of in America. People just don’t understand why on earth you would do that. There are enough people who would do you down, why do yourself down? I sort of agree with it, now. It is tiresome.”

Clarke Peters, who played Lester Freamon in The Wire, and Othello to West’s Iago on stage in 2011, has a different view of his friend’s dilemma. “As good an actor as he is, his self- deprecating comments are his truth. He would prefer to be playing than talking about himself; exploring a character, discovering nuances, dissecting a character’s arc, is where he’s comfortable. Presenting all that unseen work is nerve-wracking. And actors are never the best judges of their own work. So, to be safe from criticism and microscopic scrutiny, self-deprecation is the best defence."

The fat suit in Colette was no cop-out. “I was then about to play Jean Valjean,” West says, more forgiving of himself now, “a man who has been in prison for 19 years, so there was a clash of waistline imperatives.” He plays the lead in a song-free, six-part Les Misérables — the project in which Olivia Colman out-joked him — the BBC’s first big drama of 2019, with the opening episode broadcast on New Year’s Day.

According to Keira Knightley, the extra padding, and a walrus moustache, did not mute West’s physical attractiveness. “Nobody looks good in that,” she says, “but he somehow manages to be dangerously sexy through it. It was a main conversation between the rest of us on set: how he managed to ooze sexuality while he was farting in two fat suits. Quite extraordinary. I can’t think of another actor who might be able to do that.”

Sarah Treem, the showrunner of The Affair, could not conceive of anyone else but West as her leading man, Noah Solloway. “He didn’t audition. I wrote it with him in mind,” she says. “I was a huge fan of The Wire and I just loved how complicated he could be — both likeable and unlikeable at the same time.”

The Affair begins with Noah, a married father of four, embarking on a fling with a waitress, Alison, played by Ruth Wilson, and then follows the fall-out for the two of them, their spouses and extended families. West, Wilson and the wider cast are terrific, as is the show’s central conceit of telling the story from the point-of-view of different characters, usually two in each hour-long episode.

“Dominic is so good at playing all different facets of Noah,” Treem continues. “His intelligence, his lust, his insecurity, the pain of his childhood, his love for his children. He lets Noah be a very complicated, sometimes deeply generous, sometimes horribly selfish, man.”

West concurs, with a caveat. “I have had difficulty wondering why someone who I can identify with — he’s my age and has a bunch of kids — would do the things he does. Sarah, a very brilliant woman younger than I am, looked at me with a raised eyebrow when I said, ‘Men my age just don’t do that. Why leave your wife and kids for a waitress and start another family?’ She told me the stories of several real people who had. Not that I want my characters to be sympathetic, but I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and I have struggled with Noah in that regard.”

West has five children: a daughter, 20, with former girlfriend Polly Astor, and two sons and two daughters aged 12, 10, nine and five, with his wife, the landscape designer Catherine FitzGerald. It is Catherine’s beef stew we have been eating for lunch, their children’s clothes drying on the Aga behind us. On a smaller table in a nook in the corner of the kitchen, next to some half-completed maths homework, is a pile of dad’s hardbacks: The Flame by Leonard Cohen, William Dalrymple’s retelling of the Indian mutiny of 1857, The Last Mughal, and Changing Stages, Richard Eyre and Nicholas Wright’s history of 20th-century theatre.

Out in the driveway, a small child’s BMX has been discarded in front of mum’s Audi A3, in perfect position to be crunched into the gravel next time the car sets off. At lunch, West didn’t know where the rice was because he and his family have only lived in this house, a former brewery in a Wiltshire hamlet, for a few weeks. They used to live in Shepherd’s Bush, in a house that once belonged to another actor from Sheffield, Brian Glover.

“I have led my family out of London slightly against their will,” West admits, “and quite legitimately want my children to be around plants and animals more than they perhaps might be in London. My wife said I’m trying to create my childhood home here and I said, [now, the thespian accent] ‘No I’m not! Preposterous! What do you mean? It’s nothing like that!’”

His wife’s childhood home is Glin Castle in County Limerick, Ireland, a true country pile (15 ensuite bedrooms, 380 acres, secret bookcase doors) that, in various versions, has been in her family for nearly 800 years. (It’s the house you can see in the background of the photographs on these pages.) She and West want to hold on to it. To do so, the house needs to become a going concern as an events and private hire venue to cover its annual £130,000 running costs.

“I do like history and I do like old buildings,” West says. “I’m also conscious of my wife’s father and his and her legacies. He worked in conservation in Ireland, to try and preserve these old buildings, which were out of favour for many years. It’s up to us to try and keep that going, because when they’re bought by hotels and the like, they’re often destroyed.”

This Christmas and New Year, he says, “we have a super-A-list celebrity taking it. Who, I can’t possibly divulge. Actually, can you do us a big favour and put the website, please, at the end of the piece? ‘Glin dash castle dot com.’ It would make my life easier.”

It’s time to do the school pick-up. “We can keep talking in the car,” he says, and leads the way to a silver Chrysler Grand Voyager. “It has,” West says, buckling up, “the biggest capacity of any people carrier.”

Precisely something a turning-50-next-year dad-of-five should say. “I have no problem getting older,” he says. “For male actors of my age there is less emphasis, and I have already started to play the dad of the lover instead of the lover. The pressure is off. Some swami said that the key to happiness is ‘I don’t mind what happens.’ You mind less about things, let go of them. Turning 50 is great. My daughter is also turning 21, so we should have quite a party.”

He has regrets. “I suppose I wish I had played more Shakespearean roles.”

What about the old-man ones? “Only Lear is as good as the young ones.”

What about not being James Bond? “Fuck no! I’m delighted now that I didn’t get it.”

Auditioning for Bond, in 2005, West turned up in a T-shirt and tatty jeans. “I remember the director, Martin Campbell, saying, ‘Thank Christ you haven’t turned up in a tux like everybody else’. It was for Casino Royale. At the time, I really wanted to get it. I love Bond, and I was the right age for it. They asked me, ‘What do you think should happen with Bond?’ And I said something deeply uninspired like, ‘I think he should go back to being more like Sean Connery’. I thought then that it was the best job you can do. Now, I’m not so sure. You have a year-and-a-half of hell doing publicity.”

West pulls up opposite the school. “Wait here. Enjoy the smell. Kids’ banana skins,” he says, opening the driver’s door. Puzzled, I sniff the air. There is no unpleasant aroma. The interior of Dominic West’s car smells perfectly fine. But, of course, he claims otherwise. He’s a terrific actor and a thoroughly likeable chap, but that self-deprecation still needs some work.

Colette is in cinemas on 11 January; glin-castle.com (https://www.esquire.com/uk/culture/a25557268/dominic-west-interview/)

#les mis bbc #bbc les mis #dominic west #Interviews

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Riverdale Season 5 Episode 8 Review – Chapter 84: Lock and Key

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This Riverdale review contains spoilers.

Riverdale Season 5 Episode 8

“Am I crazy or have you been feeling the same way too?”

Since Jughead’s narration opens most episodes with the most obvious observations possible, I’m going to return the favor by stating the following: Riverdale is not a series known for its profundity.

Over its five seasons to date it has proven to be a dumb show that is more often or not done smartly. Or maybe its ability to constantly induce narrative whiplash has be semi-concussed and believing that the program is way better than it has any right to be.

Which is where the above quote comes in.

With this season’s time jump and the characters dealing with actual real-life problems like post-collegiate ennui and the long farewell of long-held dreams (alongside of the usual nonsense that is the program’s calling card), Riverdale is the best it has ever been of late. And I’d never thought I’d write such words, but the most shocking thing about this episode was not Jughead’s alien tormentor or the Reggie and Fangs kiss but the way all of the trauma endured by these characters was brought to the surface tonight. Handled with grace no less.

That this minor miracle was set in motion thanks to a Key Party thrown by Cheryl in a creepy effort to break up Fangs and Kevin and live some sort of demented domestic bliss with Toni in her Gothic prison is kind of besides the point. The sheer volume of storylines happening in each Riverdale are so often disjointed that it feels like several shows are happening at once. Again, this is part of the appeal of watching this hottest of messes. So it’s a bit of a wallop across the head then when you have these characters having relatable moments, letting their guards down and getting to the heart of what haunts them.

Throughout this episode we see these characters shedding pretense and recognizing what drives them, be it fear, lust or anxiety. Kevin implodes his and Fangs’ relationship because the former has no idea what he wants out of life, but is certain it isn’t the small town drama teacher existence he currently has. Jughead is quite literally haunted by visions of an otherworldly creature who is either a literal alien or a manifestation of being twentysomething and rudderless, a literary one-hit wonder. Betty is still having nightmares about the Trash Bag Killer, suspecting that he may be responsible for Polly’s disappearance and worried her failure to bring him to justice will result in personal tragedy.

“What’s coming next with my mom and Polly is the darkest thing I’ve ever faced,” Betty states to Archie in the episode’s most powerful scene. The pair then acknowledge their true feelings, that they will be better off as friends. Veronica’s latest fight with Chad makes her acknowledge that whatever bonded them together is no longer there. It is Archie she truly loves, and vice versa. Cheryl bares her twisted soul to Toni, who is in return horrified by her actions and tells her as much. Yet Cheryl quickly finds a form of redemption in the embrace of the mysterious Minerva Marble (Adeline Rudolph, late of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina).

Yes, it is a contrivance that all of these huge epiphanies happen more or less at the same time. I’ll forgive this sin however since Riverdale so often has its character development move at a glacial pace. Perhaps when Veronica states that “the past is in the past” the show’s writers are telling us to forget what we know about how stories will unfold from here on out. Certainly, the post-time jump episodes have proven this. Maybe we really are in a brave new world for the series? Stranger things have happened before, especially on Riverdale.

Riverdale Rundown

• Jughead Jones has become unstuck in time! What do we make of Jughead teaching Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s Slaughterhouse Five to his students? More importantly, is Riverdale going to do a Jughead’s Time Police-inspired storyline?

• This stuff with Jughead and the alien is the absolute best. Please please please let the E.T. be real.

• In what must be a Riverdale first, Archie is shirtless within the first 30 seconds of this episode. As a sexy fireman no less.

• Art dealer Minerva is almost certainly not what she appears to be. So what is she really playing at? Are her feelings for Cheryl legitimate? Or is she playing some sort of long game?

• Speaking of Cheryl, I feel the writers need to really figure out how to handle this character’s mental illness as the argument can (and probably should) be made that they have entered exploitation territory.

• I was getting huge Psycho Goreman vibes off of the alien stalking Jughead.

• We see Jughead making like his comic counterpart and snacking on Lay’s chips in this episode.

• Varchie shippers, are you happy with the Veronica/Archie reconciliation?

• Drew Ray Tanner shined as Fangs here, delivering a heartbreaking performance as Kevin throws away their future together.

• Betty again illustrates how awful of an FBI agent she is by allowing her mom to keep a key to her home in a garden gnome while living in a dangerous city that has multiple serial killers on the loose.

• I desperately want to hear about Jughead’s Jingle Jangle-fueled New York City exploits. This is what happens when you read too much Bret Easton Ellis, folks.

• Lucy Hale makes an audio cameo as Katy Keene in this episode, simultaneously making me wonder why the CW cancelled her show in the first place and laughing at how the Riverdale producers keep thumbing their noses at the network by constantly referencing the doomed spinoff.

• Dr. Whitley’s name is an obvious homage to UFO novelist/experiencer Whitley Strieber (whose most famous work was Fire in the Sky, which just so happened to be the name of last week’s episode).

• Jackson incredulously remarking on Archie as player by saying “Sarge juggling two ladies?” indicates that he doesn’t know him at all.

• Casey Cott gets the episode’s funniest moment as he reacts to Reggie and Fangs’ kiss with impressed shock.

• Despite how this episode ended, I still think that Alice’s remark about how it sounded like Polly was calling from a spaceship is not a red herring. Look, there better be a full blown alien invasion by the time of the midseason finale, okay? I ask for so little.

• “I’m not bringing my baby into this house of horrors” might be the most sensible sentence ever uttered in the Blossom household.

• Betty refers to Cheryl’s Spin the Bottle party (when Archie spends Seven Minutes in Heaven with Veronica) from the series’ pilot.

• Next week, Betty goes in to the heart of darkness.

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amylynne40-blog · 7 years

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Gallavich is Endgame

I am relatively late to Shameless-and more importantly-to Gallavich. No words spring truer to this fact than the iconic Mickey Milkovich’s “I’m sorry I’m late”. Sorry I certainly am because this couple is painful, passionate, loving, devastating and truthfully not only one of the best gay couples but one of the best couples (period. end of story.) that has graced my or any other screen. It is the kind of love affair that seems odd at first--totally random, opposite...out of the blue and evolves into this powerful romance that you cannot fathom either one of these men with anyone other than the other.

Through the seasons we were able to share in some of their light moments but they were mostly peppered in between deeply penetrating, powerful and heartbreaking moments. We saw Mickey give Ian the kiss that neither ever thought they’d share-though undoubtedly both dreamed about all the way to their most passionate kisses that would forever be burned in our memories as some of the hottest, rawest hungriest kisses ever. We watched them blossom from boys to men, from crushes to lovers, from friends to family but most importantly we watched them navigate the darkest parts of each of their lives guided by the light of the other’s love.

As we speak...or as I type...Mickey is in Mexico and Ian is back in the Southside, presumably attempting to make amends with Trevor, having just left Mickey to cross the border as a fugitive alone...in a dress...with no plan. As we have learned, however, throughout the seasons, Mickey is as resilient as they come so I have no fear that he will be ok until he and Ian are reunited...and they will be...because they are endgame...and here is why split into 3 sections.

1. WHY MICKEY IS NOT TOXIC

I hate to see people refer to Mickey as toxic to Ian. There is nothing further from the truth. If Mickey is toxic to anyone...it is only to himself. As far as Ian goes, no one has been more respectful, loving, selfless, protective and loyal than Mickey. Mickey is a powerhouse in many respects but he is Ians soft, safe place--where he can be himself. Mickey has NEVER asked Ian to compromise who he is in order to be loved by him. What he did do, however, was be there when Ian was compromising himself--protecting Ian from himself and others but never forcing him to change. Sample of the differences between Mickey and Trevor in regard to Ian:

Mickey finds Ian drugged out at a bar. This is a man that he loves with every fiber of his being--a man that he would unquestionably lose his life over and that he hasn’t seen in quite some time. He doesn’t force himself on Ian or even bring up their relationship other than to tell him that he needs to go home---be with his family even if it means that he doesn’t want to hang out with him. He knew Ian needed to be home and safe. His own feelings didn’t matter. Yes, he wanted to be with him but he wanted Ian safe and home. Ian was more important.

Trevor knows Ian for five minutes and doesn’t really even give Ian time to negotiate his feelings before giving him an ultimatum about the fact that he had enough friends. Together or nothing. That isn’t love. That isn’t romantic. Ultimatums are toxic. Ultimatums are a power play. Trevor was more important.

Even at the border scene where Ian decides that he cannot go...you do not see Mickey trying to talk him into it. If Ian didn’t want to go, than Ian doesn’t have to. He would never make him do anything. Mickey self-sacrificed himself a lot. That’s not toxic...that’s love.

IAN REALLY DOES LOVE MICKEY

While these days it may feel that Ian may have moved on to Trevor, someone who is in love with someone...or who has moved on from someone...does not leave on a potentially forever trip with the person they supposedly moved on from. It’s not about the border...it’s about the fact you’d never get in the damn car to begin with. You’d never even pick up the damn phone and you sure as hell would make love to that person 2 hours after dropping off hamburgers at the other person’s work...most definitely not as passionately AND then spoon that person into the morning..holding them lovingly. That isn’t the bipolar talking either. Good ol’ Ian is medicated properly and there was nothing manic about any of what he did. The most impulsive thing he did was leave Mickey at the border because up until that point, he knew damn well what he was doing. He didn’t not go because of Trevor. He didn’t go...in my best estimation...because of his family. Grant it they didn’t give a shit that he was gone for as long as he was and Lip didn’t drag his ass from behind the bar...but we tend to have a forgiveness and sense of responsibility to family even when it isn’t earned.

That I love you was meant. It was the first time we heard it but it sure as the devil wasn’t the first time it was said. It was important, however, that it was said in that moment because he needed Mickey...and us...to know that it wasn’t a lack of love keeping him from crossing the border. Mickey has his love and his money. Mickey has his heart. When you see Ian with other men...they just get his shell...never his heart. That is Mickey’s alone and has been so since boyhood. I suspect, also, that Ian knew that it wouldn’t be the last of Mickey in his life. They will never say goodbye to one another...and they didn’t...not even in the moment that it made sense to say it. It wasn’t said because it wasn’t goodbye.

THERE ARE NO ALTERNATIVES TO THIS LOVE

I’ve said this before, some love affairs leave no room for alternatives. Theirs is one of those loves. Their love is so raw, so passionate that when you see them together--even just looking at each other you know without a question that they would give the world to and up for each other. You also know, by the way, that they must have the steamiest sex in all of the Southside. For five seasons we watched these boys turned lovers develop their relationship in such a way that we will never, ever accept another person for either one of them. It doesn’t fit.

I used to think that “you complete me” line was kind of a bullshit line until Gallavich. They really do. They are perfect compliments to each other. They are vulnerable with each other-a feat that almost seemed impossible when we met Mickey...but Ian did it. He made Mickey feel safe emotionally and I don’t think Mickey would have thought someone would be able to gift him the freedom to be who he is. Mickey had the balls to stand up to anyone...but he didn’t have the heart to open up to anyone...until Ian.

We may see Ian test other relationships but they will never stand the test of time. He may be trying to fit into other worlds because he is trying to deviate away from the world he grew up in. He doesn’t want to be a Monica. He’s made that very clear. The first step to not being Monica is to find acceptance that the meds are necessary to have the best shot at a normal life. The next step is to stop chasing meaningless relationships to find meaning after you sacrificed the love of your life. When you see Ian with anyone other than Mickey, it is clearly robotic, lacking intimacy and a poor attempt to feel what he feels with the man he thinks he’s moved away from. When you see Ian and Mickey reunited, they come to life. Why is that? Because without each other, their souls are without their mates. They will never find that again...each soul is given but one mate...and they found each other’s playing first and second base many, many moons ago. They are endgame...no alternatives...no options...no arguments.

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jakeallison96 · 4 years

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How Long Till An Ex Comes Back

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs, week thirty-three

brief reviews of the songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 the weeks of 23 august 1997, 25 august 2007, and 26 august 2017

8.23.1997

25) "You Make Me Wanna..." by Usher

It's at once extremely difficult and painfully easy to stand out amongst the sea of R&B dudes. It's difficult because there's so many, but easy because, on some level, all the other R&B dudes are singing about devotion. They're either pledging eternal love or pledging eternal love on the condition that their intended return, either way, they are saying you're the one, you're absolutely the only person. Usher isn't even going to say he's going to leave his current girl for you. He's saying he wants to, but he's not saying that he's going to start that new relationship, he just really wants to, he wants to ditch this girl for the person he should have been with all along. It's one of the greatest songs about indecision ever made, well deserving of its place in the cultural consciousness.

58) "Hole in My Soul," by Aerosmith

Imagine the look on Steven Tyler's face when he realized hole rhymed with soul. "We can write so many songs now!" I like to think he exclaimed to his other, equally excited band members. "This changes everything!" I dunno, you're asking me to write about a song Aerosmith made at least five years past their prime and 20 years later. Like, I'm not gonna find gold in this swamp just 'cuz I brought a pan to it, y'know?

67) "After 12, Before 6," by Sam Salter

This is an okay song about fucking, but how many horny-ass R&B songs have we heard out of 1997? Like, just by making a song touching on infidelity in a novel and fun way, Usher makes his song more memorable than this synthy ballad of many runs. (Another point in "You Make Me Wanna..."s favor: whoever played guitar on that song did a stellar job.) Like, why would I wanna hear another slow jamz after "You Make Me Wanna..."? What is the utility of this decades-old song about schtuppin'? Hello hi it is 3 AM on a Wednesday I am behind on everything I got a super late start on this post I've barely started the Fall Out Boy post and I wasted ten minutes I don't have trying to wrap my mind grapes around this song.

76) "Have a Little Mercy," by 4.0

how come in songs like this from a group of r&b dudes every member of the group is singing in the first person. like shouldn't the other three dudes say "you should take him back," or am i supposed to believe that all four of these men are spurned lovers who are simultaneously making their pitch. "heck are these other three girls doing here?" "efficiency. our plea will not work unless we are harmonizing." like i wouldn't take any of these dudes back simply because none of them made me feel special.

77) "Supernatural," by Wild Orchid

We have brought up in YAS the idea that, if we didn't know who Fergie was, we would not mind her songs at all, but because they come with the Fergie package, we are annoyed by them, consider them horrible, awful things. I can now introduce ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE to the trial, which is the best kind of evidence IMHO. Wild Orchid had a song in the Top 20 for a little bit. Because I encountered "Talk to Me" in one of those periods where I don't feel like "learning" anything about the thing I'm gonna talk about, I didn't look up who the individual members of Wild Orchid were. TURNS OUT, WHEN I DION'T KNOW FERGIE WAS INVOLVED IN A PROJECT, I ENJOY THE RESULTS OF THE PROJECT A LIL' BIT. This isn't quite as fun as "Talk to Me," and I'm a little disappointed this isn't the '60s jam the first few seconds of the video led me to believe it was going to be, but it's a fun '90s pop/r&b ditty, and also that key change.

91) "Stranger in Moscow," by Michael Jackson

So we're all in agreement that Michael Jackson made a lot of great songs and was probably a pedophile, right? I dunno. Like, he's dead, so listening to his music probably won't hurt anyone, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'll be able to say anything of value regarding this song, because I'm either going to ignore the fact he was probably a pedophile or make a dumb joke about a sensitive topic, I dunno, this item on the list is like a treasure map with no Xs. I'm not about to dig in a billion places just to find one nugget.

92) "Free," by Ultra Nate

All dance music sounds more or less the same to me, yet I somehow mind this a lot less than the rest of the dance cohort. I guess I just think it makes sense to build a dance track around the line "you're free to do what you want to do." Like, yeah, that's a sentiment worth dancing to, I can do what I want, and that includes the hully-gully and other fashionable dances.

8.25.2007

22) "Ayo Technology," 50 Cent ft./Timbaland & Justin Timberlake

"We need a hook for this song. We have the biggest stars in music, the hottest producer on the track doing his usual thing, we just need that hook, something that people will SCREAM in the clubs!" What if we have J Timbies complain about technology? "...Hm. OK. OK. Tell me, I can't remember Fifty's ver -- sorry, Fiddy's verses, but does he mention technology at all?" Nah. "So J Timbies is going to complain about technology..." Just because. "Well should we add any references to technology to the song at all?" Nah. "I LOVE IT! Hit 'em with the suckerpunch! Gentlemen, and you are all gentlemen because this is 2007, we've done it! Another hit which will last in the public consciousness forever! Let us enjoy rich people drinks, like scotch probably!"

45) "If You're Reading This," Tim McGraw

this is boring and we don't talk enough about how tim mcgraw and josh groban at some point became the same entity

56) "The Pretender," Foo Fighters

Rock might be the one genre where "they just don't make songs like this anymore" is an actual statement worth making. Like when's the last time we heard a rock band attack a song like Foo Fighter does here? Even the latest Foo Fighters song felt perfunctory, like rock for the sake of making rock music in 2017, and not for the sake of making something cool and rebellious. And that's not to say there isn't great pure rock being made outside of the mainstream (shout out to Sheer Mag!), but the rock music that's trying to break into the mainstream either feels stale or is Imagine Dragons. Nothing feels even a tenth as dangerous as the first half-minute of the song, where things feel too quiet, where you know Foo Fighters isn't releasing one of their acoustic songs as a single and are waiting for something to happen to fuck you up. Rock in the mainstream doesn't have that danger anymore, and even this song, I'm describing a wait for something you know is gonna happen, not an anticipation of anything that could happen. I enjoy this song, is what I tried and failed to say in the rest of this passage. We're comin' up on 3:45 and I'm only vaguely aware where I am right now because I so rarely leave my apartment.

65) "S.O.S.," Jonas Brothers

These delightful little scamps made a whole bunch of adorable, enjoyable pop/rock music that isn't really worth any sort of deep analytical plunge! I still don't understand how one of these kids ended up making "Chains." Like, I get that Nick Jonas wanted to shed that Disney image, but he didn't need to prance around shirtless like a gigolo just so he could seem more "adult." (Bob are you trying to comment on how we treat male pop stars as opposed to female pop stars?) I'm just saying, I would respect Nick Jonas a lot more if it seemed like he respected himself. I don't think it's very meninist to try to sell sex, y'know? (Bob don't post this.) WATCH ME

74) "International Players Anthem (I Choose You)," U.G.K. ft./OutKast

This song is a miracle we don't deserve. "So I typed a text to a girl I used to see/Sayin that I chose this cutie pie with whom I wanna be/And I apologize if this message gets you down/Then I CC'd every girl that I'd see see round town" This song STARTS with those lines. And like Dre's verse obviously gets attention, but gosh, the way the beat is pared down to just the drum and bass when Big Boi begins his verse and the whole song goes quiet as a mouse as he says what he needs to say, it's so good. This song is so good, it's worth forgiving the minor homophobic slur tossed out by Pimp C. Like, aside from that one small unfortunate misstep, this song is absolutely perfect, peak OutKast, almost peak Southern rap, it's SO GOOD! It's so good, man. Hold on tight to the memory of this song, stormy waters ahead.

93) "I Got it from My Mama," will.i.am

"Be a good girl and thank your mama/She made you steamin' like a sauna." BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP "Hello, my daughter!" "Hi, Mom!" "To what do I owe this call on this lovely Tuesday morning?" "I just wanted to say thank you." "Aw! Sweetie! You just made my day!" "Yeah will.i.am wants to fuck me because of how you made me so hot." Who on earth okayed this song. Who heard this and said, "okay." Your reaction to this song should not be "okay."

94) "Over You," Daughtry

One of my favorite things on the World Wide Web (aka, The Infonet) is "How You Remind Me of Someday," which plays one Nickelback song in one ear and a different Nickelback song in the other to show how Nickelback uses the same chord progressions and drum fills in two songs they said were different. There is a video that no longer exists, likely because Vote for the Worst no longer exists (I think they made it), which played this song and Nickelback's "Photograph" side by side to similar results. What I'm trying to say is, rock died despite Foo Fighters' best efforts and now we all have to listen to Imagine Dragons because Daughtry couldn't be bothered to try harder.

99) "Wake up Call," Maroon 5

Like all Maroon 5 songs, this is acceptable.

26 August 2017

70) "The Race," by Tay-K

This was certainly a freestyle. I feel like I'm missing something here, like there's some reason this song charted beyond my limited scope. A lot of the search results on YouTube brought up Lil Yachty, so maybe there's a remix of the freestyle, but I honestly don't give enough of a shit to contend with Lil Yachty after Billboard said I wouldn't have to. I hope he's set free or whatever assuming he's innocent of whatever people claimed he did or that he’s served enough time for whatever he did, again, I’m not going to research because his rap name is dumb and I don’t feel like sifting through Google. I’m sure it’s bad, whatever the situation is.

76) "Patty Cake," by Kodak Black

Nope!

81) "OMG," Camila Cabello ft./Quavo

This is actually a reasonable trap song. I can't tell if I'm actually enjoying this or if I'm reacting to the novelty of a pop starlet trying her hand at a trap impression, but I'm pretty convinced this is a strong, strong attempt at a trap song from someone who probably has no business trying to enter into this genre. I'm also kind of refreshed by a trap song which doesn't create a new gross dick descriptor in every verse. It's pretty alright!

82) "What About Us," by Pink

This is a tasteful amount of '90s dance influence. Maybe it's not just '90s dance but dance in general, I don't think dance music has undergone a ton of change in the past ever, but like y'all get it probably, the way this song is more propulsive than the standard "we've got to do something!" ballad. It has a nice kick to it, is what I'm trying to say, and a nice kick is generally what Pink has delivered in her long and storied musical career, as she becomes the 32nd member of the '07-'17 Decade Dance Club. Would that Choice had hit and Pink could join Tim McGraw and Jay-Z in the Double Dance!

84) "Perplexing Pegasus," by Rae Sremmurd

look. when you put the word pegasus in your song title, i have certain expectations. i am not looking for a boilerplate trap song about how foreign cars make girls horny. i am expecting something MAJESTIC AS IS BEFITTING A WINGED HORSE. this song has utterly failed to meet my rigorous standards for songs about pegasi. i am being informed that the pegasus is also a foreign car and i 100% do not give a shit, give me fantasy trap or give me death.

94) "B.E.D." by Jacquees

This dude seems like a legit vocalist. I dunno, I think 2007 took me to dizzying highs, and 2017 is giving me a bunch of songs that would get a B like it usually does, but in this case, this song gets a B because I think the dude aims to one day do better, more ambitious things than this song. Also, let's consider the moral downfall of America as told by the progression of '90s R&B music. In 1997, we had Usher considering leaving his girlfriend before taking up with a new lover and four nice boys begging that a young woman (or four!) show them mercy and forgive them for hurting her, and the one song that was about fucking was laden with innuendo and operated under a set fuck schedule, “fucking will be taking place in the designated fuck hours.” Like, it was about fucking, but the fucking was inferred, not stated. In 2017, we have this young man saying "I don't wanna love/I just wanna fuck" in the chorus of a song that was released to radio. Also, a Nazi wasn't president in 1997. It truly was better back then.

95) "Chillin' Like a Villain," by Sofia Carson, Cameron Boyce, Booboo Stewart & Mitchell Hope

WE NEED TO MAKE THIS WORLD A BETTER PLACE FOR THESE DELIGHTFUL DANCING TEENS. This song is woefully bereft of Captain Hook's gay son, yes, but most songs are, so we won't hold that against this delightful dance jam I am in no way qualified to speak about, since I have not seen the film and am also turning 28 on Saturday, like what is this life choice I have made for 30-some weeks in a row.

99) "Havana," by Camila Cabello ft./Young Thug

This is gonna make for a dope Postmodern Jukebox because it's already halfway there, it already kind of sounds like someone listened to "The Girl from Ipanema" and said, "How much can I water this shit down before the song is ready for 2017 pop radio?" A lot, but also, I love the way horns herald Young Thug's arrival, and I think this is the most I've enjoyed a Young Thug guest spot since his verse on that one Drake song. It's really cool that Camila Cabello is exploring all these different genres, and I've ended up enjoying all the songs she's put out this year. I mean, I miss Lorde? I wish we would've kept Lorde around? But Camila Cabello's been pretty dope, her songs are a lot of fun, and I'm okay with her being the current queen of pop, if that's what the world has decided it wants.

Who won the week?

These girls are smart, Three Stacks, these girls are smart. Play your part.

2017: 12 1997: 11 2007: 10

2007 on that comeback trail! They’ve got a few weeks to collect Ws before it settles in for what looks like a long winter. Can it overcome 11 songs of 1997 nonsense and whatever OK songs 2017 will bring to us next week? BET ON IT BET ON IT BET ON IT BET ON IT

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skwyd · 7 years

Text

Sizes, Types, and Names

This post is not about what you think it is about. Also, there will be lots of brand name and company name drops in this post.

Today, I went through a drive-thru to get some breakfast. I’m trying to stop the fast food habit, but it is slow going... whatever. Anyway, I went to Taco Bell. I’ve found that the bean burrito, at just under 400 calories (per their menu) is a reasonable amount of food for breakfast that lasts me until lunch time. And Taco Bell is pretty much the only fast food in this area that carries Pepsi products, so since I enjoy Diet Pepsi much more than Diet Coke, it is an easy choice. I ordered my bean burrito and my large diet pepsi and pulled up to the window. After paying for my food, the person at the window asks me if I want any sauce for my burrito. I said that I did and asked for Hot Sauce.

Now, for those familiar with Taco Bell, you will know that they have three sauces of varying degrees of spiciness. (I know that they sometimes have other varieties, but these are the “core” choices). Those sauces are Mild, Hot, and Fire. Oh, before I continue, I’ll just mention that I’m old enough to remember when Taco Bell just had one sauce. It was in little plastic cups with peel back tops. My uncle and I would drink them like shots when I was a kid. So, of the three choices, I find that the Hot Sauce has the best flavor-to-spiciness ratio for my liking. I really love super spicy foods, but the Fire Sauce has a taste and texture that isn’t to my liking, at least for Taco Bell fare.

So anyway, when I told this person that I wanted Hot Sauce, I was under the impression that he understood that I was referring to the Hot Sauce that Taco Bell calls “Hot Sauce”. But I think that he either forgot what I said in the three seconds between my request and when he grabbed it to put into the bag, or he assumed I wanted the “hot sauce” (I’ll explain in a moment), and so he grabbed four packets of Fire Sauce and sent me on my way. I discovered when I was a block up the street (and committed to the remaining commute to the office) that he had given me the wrong sauce.

Somewhere along the line in human history, we seem to have become fixated on the concept of three sizes. Small, Medium, Large. Mild, Medium, Spicy. Too Hot, Too Cold, Just Right. Pretty much every place that carries food or drinks in sizes has three choices for these sizes. But, for some reason, no one seems to be happy just using the “standard” descriptors that associate size/type/spiciness/whatever to the products. Let me explain.

Taco Bell has, as I mentioned, Mild, Hot, and Fire Sauce. These represent the mildest, medium, and hottest sauces respectively. So Mild=mildest, Hot=medium, Fire=hottest. It seems simple enough. But, for a person who may not know Taco Bell’s specific naming convention (i.e. Mild, Hot, Fire), they may just order by “magnitude” (mild, medium, hot). And in this case, asking for the hot sauce, when one wants the “sauce of hottest magnitude” would result in getting the middle one, instead of the hottest one. And conversely, when I requested Hot Sauce, I instead got the hot (hottest) sauce.

But, Taco Bell isn’t the only culprit in this scheme to confuse the consumer and ensure that they don’t get what they want. (It’s a thing, I promise).

On the top of hot sauce, Del Taco is actually worse that Taco Bell. Not only do they not use a simple naming convention for their three-tiered spicy condiments, they make their (presumably) trademarked names even more esoteric. They have Mild Sauce (so far, so goo), Del Scorcho (wait, what?), and Del Inferno (I--, yeah, just look it up, seriously). I think that one would be hard pressed to know which is supposed to be spicier, the Del Scorcho or Del Inferno, without being a Del Taco regular.

This issue isn’t limited only to condiment sauces. No, not at all. In fact, it is probably more readily seen in the drink sizes category. Every place has a small, medium, and large sized drink. Obviously the specific amount of liquid in a small, medium, or large may vary from place to place, but the concept of a smallest, middle-sized, and largest drink is pretty ubiquitous. And sure, some places may have an extra-large size, but the concept still fits. Small is the smallest, Medium is the middle-sized one, and Large is larger than both of those. But, read on...

The top offender (in my book) is Starbucks. They just forego all connections to rational thought and offer these three basic sizes: Tall, Grande, and Venti. Let’s go in reverse order, shall we? Venti is a twenty ounce beverage at the ‘bucks. And that makes some sense because in Italian, “venti” means twenty. So using that logic, the next size down should be called what? Well, if you knew it was “Sedici” without consulting Google Translate, you know more Italian than I do. But, no, they call it a Grande. If we stick with the Italian language (as established by their Venti name), then this size simply means “great”. Which, that’s all fine and good, but how does “great” compare to “twenty”? That’s like asking someone to rate this blog on a scale from 1 to Jeff Goldblum (obviously, I get a score of LED bulb on that scale). But, let’s continue down to the smallest size, which is simply called “tall”. At twelve ounces, it isn’t called “dodici”, of course, we left Italian behind when we crossed their medium-sized drink. But even forgiving their complete lack of consistency in naming sizes, why would you name your smallest beverage “Tall”? When we talk about things that are “tall”, we mean the big things, the things that extend higher than other things, the dare-I-say LARGE things.

That, of course, makes the other infraction seem minor by comparison. I realize that some of these sizing-naming conventions have changed over the years, but the point still stands. About 30 years ago, I worked for Jack-In-The-Box. Our drink sizes were Small, Regular, and Large. Okay, that makes a sort of sense. At least the smallest matches the “Small” title and the largest matches with “Large”. But why did the middle-size, the one in between Small and Large, the one that is, I don’t know, *medium*, end up being called “Regular”? Seriously? What kind of marketing strategy drives a company to say, “Nope. We’re not going to call our middle drink anything so mundane as Medium. We’re going all out. It is going to be...(wait for it)...REGULAR!” And then the gasps of astonishment around the boardroom fill the air.

At the time, I’ll note, that McDonalds had their own sizing/naming convention. They had Regular, Medium, and Large. Yes, that’s right, at McDonalds, they called their smallest drink “Regular”.

To be fair, I believe that both JiB and McDs have dropped the “Regular” size-name since then. But also, to be accurate, JiB has a “kids”, “large”, and “quencher” size designation on the drink lid dispenser by their fountain drink machine. So I’m not even sure any more. When I got there, I always order their iced tea (because it is actually brewed, not an instant tea) and I always order the largest one they have, whatever name they might want to call it.

What does this all mean? Nothing at all, really. But I do know that that person gave me the wrong sauce at Taco Bell this morning.

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