last kiss (Hotch x Fem!Reader) — one shot
It’s that time again besties when I write a heartbreaking songfic based on a Taylor Swift song,,, this time it’s THE heartbreak song, “Last Kiss”
@ssamorganhotchner gave me the idea for this one, so naturally she has to share the blame for the 2.4k words worth of heartbreak 😌
Warnings: angst (of course), lots of fluffy interludes though, this doesn’t really have a happy ending (per the song)
Your brain roused you from sleep far earlier than the actual time you needed to be awake. Still, you open your eyes, staring into the dark, and nearly jumping when you see Aaron looking at you.
“What are you doing awake?” you whispered. “Do we have a case?”
He shook his head, smiling softly, pulling you closer. “Couldn’t sleep.”
You raise an eyebrow despite the darkness. “So you were watching me?”
“That’s creepy, Aaron.”
He laughed. A sweet, melodic sound echoing off the walls of his bedroom at that ungodly hour of two in the morning. “It’s not creepy if I’m in love with you.”
“Mm, that makes it all better, huh?” you bent your arm, propping your chin in the crook of your elbow.
“It helps if you love me back,” he said, soft and shy, even though he knew that you did.
Still, you told him again. “Good thing I do.”
“Mm,” he smiled, barely-there when it’s so dark, but you felt him kiss your nose a second later. “It is.”
“Hey Aaron?” you murmured.
“Go to sleep.”
He chuckled, almost snorted, then kissed your cheek. “Goodnight.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
You don’t know just how many times you had nights like those. The unexpected, cavity-causing sweetness. Despite that, though, you know they weren’t nearly as often as you wanted them to be. You held onto the few nights when it did happen, clung to them like a lifeline.
Truthfully, you didn’t mind that most of your time spent with Aaron was during the night hours. With the crazy work at the BAU, both of you were too busy during the day to even bother trying to do things together. Weekends were for Jack, and sometimes you’d join, but you had family and friends to see, too — and time alone that you desperately needed.
And you saw him other times, too.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Karaoke night! Everyone in the car!”
You, JJ, Emily, and Penelope rolled your eyes. Barely two minutes back in town and Derek Morgan was already calling for a BAU karaoke night.
“Will there be alcohol?” Emily joked. “I’m not going if there isn’t.”
“It’s at a bar, so duh,” Morgan replied, clapping Spencer on the shoulder. “You too, Pretty Boy.”
“Me?” Spencer groaned. “I’m busy.” He gestured to all of the books opened on his desk.
“Not tonight you aren’t,” Morgan shook his head. “Come on. Up.”
“Don’t argue, kid,” Rossi said from the stairs by Hotch’s office.
Hotch stood next to him, smiling even though he was shaking his head. “Let’s get this over with.”
So, you all piled into cars and drove to a bar downtown with karaoke. The worst renditions of songs you could ever imagine. But then (because there is always one), a legitimate singer-songwriter got onstage and sang Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking out Loud.”
and i roll my eyes
and then you’d pull me in
i’m not much for dancing,
but for you, i did
You weren’t expecting the guy to sound so good, let alone for Aaron to walk up and hold his hand out to you.
You stared at his hand for a moment, raising your eyebrows. “What?”
“May I have this dance?” he asked, bashful smile and all.
You looked over his shoulder, seeing Emily and Spencer, Pen and Morgan, Rossi and JJ all dancing together. You decided then that if they didn’t know before, they’ll know now, and you were okay with that.
You took Aaron’s hand, letting him lead you out, then pull you in to slow dance with him. Staring at him, your hands on his shoulders, his on your waist, you realized something fatal that night.
You loved him. You loved him more than anyone you’d ever loved before.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
You remember the days when you first started at the BAU. The days when you knew you found your boss attractive, but had vowed to not let the crush grow any larger. You kept your distance, and you kept it well.
But not well enough.
The distance only made your heart grow fonder, and a particularly tough case led you to his hotel room door, where the two of you would share the first kiss of many.
Of course, you didn’t know then that it was the first of many. You thought for sure something would make one of you back out, and it would go something like:
“I’m your boss,” Aaron would say (regretfully).
“You’re my boss,” you’d say.
And that would be it.
But that scene never came. Neither of you ever backed down.
You began sneaking into his hotel room. He began making excuses to walk you to your car, to stay late with you, or to get you a coffee.
Once the team found out, the sneaking around slowed to a stop.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
You knocked on the doorframe to Hotch’s office, waiting for his “come in” before stepping over the entrance. There, pen in hand, was your boss and boyfriend, doing paperwork like always with a cup of coffee that had no doubt gone cold.
“I know this is an insanely weird request,” you began, “but my dad is in town for a few days. You wouldn’t mind if I showed him around?”
Aaron knew about your rocky relationship with your father, and how your dad was trying to make things better in these later years. So, without hesitation, Aaron nodded.
“As long as I get to meet him,” Hotch joked, definitely trying to lighten the mood.
“Oh, he’ll want to meet you, don’t worry,” you chuckled.
Aaron could see the nerves brewing deep inside of you, though, so he ushered you inside his office, motioning for you to shut the door.
“It’ll be okay,” he said.
You nodded. But you didn’t believe him. He could tell.
He pulled you in for a hug, cradling your head against his chest, your ear right over his heart. A few moments passed and you didn’t let go. You needed to be held more than anything, for just a minute.
because i love your handshake,
meeting my father
i love how you walk with
your hands in your pockets
The first thing your dad wanted to do (unsurprisingly) was meet your boss, so that is what you did.
And Aaron was amazing. He cleared his schedule and helped you with the tour, showing your father around, but letting you take the reins, showcasing your knowledge.
You experienced something you never had before. Pride over the man you loved.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
so i’ll watch your life in pictures
like i used to watch you sleep
These moments play in your mind every time you see a picture from the BAU. On your phone, from Penelope, or worse: the time Aaron was in the news for excellent work on a local incident when he was off duty.
Or even worse, like tonight: JJ (meaning well) sending you a picture of everyone at Rossi’s house, including Hotch’s new girlfriend.
At least, that’s who you’re assuming she is, with how close she stood to Hotch and his arm around her waist. The smile stretching his lips, the same ones you used to kiss goodnight, goodbye, and good morning.
and i feel you forget me
like i used to feel you breathe
You’re glad now that you didn’t go to that party like you said you would. You felt bad, canceling at the last minute, but you couldn’t bring yourself to go.
Looking at those pictures, you’re not sure how you would’ve reacted in person. And it’s not like you haven’t spoken to anyone from the BAU since you took your current job. You had lunch with Penelope just last week, and with Emily, JJ, and Pen the week before.
and i’ll keep up with our old friends
just to ask them how you are
i hope it’s nice where you are
Those lunch dates were strange. You loved seeing them again; that wasn’t the issue. It was the way it made you feel like you were back at the BAU. Like things were right again, but they weren’t — and they aren’t.
“Hotch has been in the weirdest mood lately,” Penelope had said.
You kept yourself steady, bringing your coffee to your lips. “What do you mean?”
Emily and JJ gave you looks, both of them clearly surprised you weren’t shutting down the topic of your ex-boyfriend and -boss right away.
“It’s like he’s… I don’t know—”
“He’s being a jackass,” Emily said, knowing Pen wouldn’t say it on her own.
“Okay, yes, fine, a jackass,” Pen replied. “It’s like everything he says, I just want to—” Pen gestured with her hands, straining her fingers to mimic strangling somebody. “But I can’t.”
“Trust me,” JJ joked, “I know the feeling.”
i hope the sun shines
and it’s a beautiful day
and something reminds you,
you wish you had stayed
“Well I am glad that’s not my problem anymore,” you teased, chuckling a little despite the twisting in your chest.
It is twisted, after all, to be elated (even if only slightly) to hear that your ex also isn’t handling the break up well. You didn’t want to be alone in the heartbreak.
“We miss you, though,” Pen said quietly. “I miss you, at least.”
“I’ve missed our coffee dates,” Emily added.
“And our poker games on the jet,” JJ said.
“We can still have coffee dates,” you replied. “And we can still play poker. We can have a poker night at my house — with everyone.”
“Mostly everyone,” Pen clarified.
“Yeah,” you nodded. “Mostly.”
That poker night hasn’t happened just yet.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
how you’d kiss me
when i was in the middle of saying something
there’s not a day i don’t miss
those rude interruptions
The one golden rule of every case is to play poker at least once. Normally because whoever wins doesn’t have to pay for drinks the whole trip.
You were determined to win this time.
So much so, that you resulted to haggling Spencer. You would feel bad if you weren’t certain he’d been counting cards this entire time.
“Ooh, you sure about that?” You exchanged a skeptical look with Emily, who returned the expression equally as dramatic. “You never know. I’ve been—”
Aaron Hotchner, the devil himself, cut you off in one swift motion, turning your head toward him with soft fingers on your jaw, then planting a kiss right on your lips. If it weren’t for Derek’s wolf-whistle from the other side of the jet, you wouldn’t have even snapped out of it.
“Aaron!” you scolded him with a laugh, and a gentle swat on his arm with your cards. “That’s cheating!”
“Is it?” Aaron replied, shrugging. “I wasn’t aware.”
“Alright, fine, new game,” you huffed. “And this time, you—” You point at Aaron, then to the empty seat next to Derek. “You’re sitting all the way over there, mister.”
“Ouch,” Aaron feigned hurt, eyebrows furrowing. “One more?”
You rolled your eyes, but you didn’t care. Being able to kiss him without worrying about anyone seeing was a thing of the past.
“Get a room!” Derek yelled, mid-laugh. And when Aaron pulled you in a little harder, Derek added, “Alright, boss, alright!”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The new year came and with it a job landed at your feet.
You loved your time at the BAU, and the people you met, but believe it or not, the BAU wasn’t your end goal. This new job offer was.
It was almost a no-brainer. You wanted to say yes right away, but you waited, said you’d get back to them after some time to think about it. You knew they wanted you because they told you to take all the time you needed.
Naturally, you talked to Hotch first.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Come on in,” he called out before you could even knock.
You sauntered in with a grin. “Waiting for me, were you?”
Aaron rounded his desk, shrugging. “Maybe.” He pulled you into a hug, kissing the top of your head. “How are you?”
“Good,” you murmured into his chest. “I have some news.”
“Oh?” He raised his eyebrows. “What kind of news?”
“Secret news,” you chuckled nervously.
“Okay,” he said quietly. He stepped over to the door, pushing it closed. “I’m assuming this isn’t personal news?”
“I’m not pregnant, if that’s what you mean.” You meant for it to lighten the mood, but Aaron barely smiled. Continuing on, you said, “I got a job offer.”
Normally, when it came to an employee of the BAU getting an offer elsewhere, it went through Hotch. This one didn’t. This one blindsighted him.
“I see,” he nodded slowly. “And it’s a good offer, I presume.”
“Yeah— Yes, it is,” you said. “It really is.”
The hardest part about dating a profiler was never being able to read them. Sometimes, when Aaron let his guard down, you could. Most times, you couldn’t.
“Do you want to take it?”
“Yes,” you blurted, then paused. “Maybe. I wanted to talk to you first.”
“Is it something you want?”
“It’s what I’ve wanted since I was a kid,” you admitted.
“Then why are you questioning whether or not you should take it?”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
You took the job.
you can plan for a change in weather or time
but i never planned on you changing your mind
And three weeks later, Aaron broke things off.
That blindsighted you. The two of you hadn’t seen each other as frequently as before because you were no longer working in the same building. But you made things work— or at least, you thought you were making things work.
Not having enough time to see one another was among the litany of excuses Aaron provided that day. The others were pointless, trivial. But still fatal.
and i’ll go
sit on the floor wearing your clothes,
all that i know is i don't know
how to be something you miss
You told yourself, and Hotch, that you’d give him this hoodie back. He got everything else back, and this is from his alma mater. You know it’s probably important to him.
But then it smelled too much like him, and you missed him too much, so you kept “forgetting” to give it back, and wearing it whenever you got home from work.
Like Aaron, this hoodie might as well be a part of you now. Stitched to your skin.
He won’t get it back. You wonder if he knows that.
never thought we’d have a last kiss...
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