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eurydicecostas-blog · 7 years

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Lost it all, I'm just a silhouette.

WHO: Eurydice Costas.

WHAT: Eurydice finally breaks down.

WHERE: Abandoned parking lot.

WHEN: Friday 9th June 2017.

WARNINGS: Sad. Mentions of the tunnels.

The months that had passed since the ‘incident’ in the tunnels had been the hardest months of Eurydice’s life. Despite the way she’d brushed it off to her peers, it affected her deeply. The need to shield the rangers from further upset and discomfort was far greater than the need to tell them how she really felt, though. Whenever they asked if she was okay, she’d just smile and nod, because it was easier. It was easier than explaining to them just how badly going up against Griffin had damaged her. It was easier than thinking back to that moment where all she could see was Rory’s blue helmet as she drifted into unconsciousness. It was easier than telling anybody that sometimes when she closed her eyes at night, all she could see was the sticky, warm blood on her own hands from the wound that almost killed her. Everything was just easier if nobody but herself knew how she really felt.

It wasn’t that she hated Griffin, no, she actually admired him. Not in the way she admired Rory, or Bianca, and even Sawyer. It was a different admiration. She admired him like he was a big brother, rather than a friend. He was their RA. She trusted him. He had the ability to put a whole room at ease whenever he entered it, and his smile could probably cheer up even the saddest person. That was what made the betrayal so damn hard. It wasn’t that he’d hurt her. It was the fact that someone she trusted had done it, or at least someone with the face of someone she trusted. Someone she looked up to. She could never hate him, though, even if sometimes she really wished she could. Maybe hating him would allow her to release some of the pain that was buried deep inside her.

Ever since she’d woken up in the medical bay, Eury had tried to look at life differently. She’d been trying to be better. Trying to make Aspen happy, and make her proud. She was trying to prove to everyone that she wasn’t some reckless teenager who just wanted to have fun. Eury wanted everyone to know that she was capable of being ‘normal’, and of being the leader that Kat had told her she was destined to be. She’d even talked to Griffin once or twice, and hadn’t completely blasted him when she’d done so. There was no point. It wasn’t his fault. It was Devone’s, and her own. Griffin wasn’t to blame. He was unfortunately just a pawn in a sick little game, and Eury couldn’t blame him.

Meeting Cody was like a blessing and a curse all at once. She made Eury happy, but the romance was also such a whirlwind. There had barely been time for her to breathe since meeting her. Things moved so quickly, and before she knew it, she’d ended up saying yes to being her girlfriend. Taking chances was something she wanted to do after almost dying, but sometimes she had to wonder whether she’d made the right choice. As much as she’d fallen for Cody, there was also that nagging thought in the back of her mind telling her she wasn’t good enough for the girl. She never would be. Cody was good, and she had a beautiful heart. Eury was dark, and her heart was dark, too.

Ranger training had been taking it’s toll, even though that was her own doing. Eury was pushing herself to her limit and beyond, just to prove to Kat and Tommy that she was going to be what they needed her to be - an unstoppable leader that could lead the team to victory. She’d fight the dino bots until her heart felt like it was going to stop, and she’d run the assault courses until there was no breath left in her lungs. While she was fighting to be the best, there was no room for her to dwell on the fact she was actually the worst, or dwell on what had happened to her. There was no time to sit and think it over in her head. She refused to give herself time to process, and time to feel the pain of everything that had happened ever since the island.

Syria and Aspen were on her mind, too. It wasn’t that she didn’t want her sister to be happy, or find someone new. It was just that she knew too much about Syria, and she didn’t trust her. She didn’t trust her with her sister, and she didn’t trust Devone, either. He knew where Syria was, and he could hurt Aspen at any time, if he really wanted to. If he knew that her and Syria were friends, or more than that, then he could use it his advantage. He could hurt her to make Syria do stuff, and the thought of that made Eury’s stomach churn. There was nothing she could do, though. Aspen never listened to her about Griffin when he was evil, so she definitely wasn’t going to listen to her about Syria.

There were just so many things to be stressed out by, and overwhelmed with. It was slowly killing Eury’s spirit day by day. It was chipping away at her, and soon there’d be nothing left.

“Don’t cry, don’t fucking cry,” she mumbled to herself as she wiped at her eyes with the sleeves of her hoodie. “It’s dumb, it’s not worth crying.” Despite what she was saying to herself, Eury knew that this breakdown was justified. It was to be expected when she’d been bottling up so many feelings for so long. She thought that maybe she could have lasted a few months longer, if it weren’t for the fact that she’d learned of Bianca and Griffin’s plans for a date. She wasn’t even mad at them, because she had no right to be. It wasn’t even because of her stupid friend crush on Bianca. It was just that everyone had moved past what had happened, but Eury couldn’t. No matter how much she tried, it was always there in the back of her mind. She couldn’t trust herself to make decisions anymore, and she couldn’t trust herself with Rory. Their adventures barely happened anymore, because she was too scared that she’d lead her into a whole world of pain again. Hell, part of her was even glad the power had been out for so long. It meant that she didn’t have to worry that she was going to get her team killed by making an idiotic, or reckless decision. But God even threw a spanner into the works when it came to that, because in spite, he decided to have her sister and Griffin be trapped in an elevator together. Life hated her. Karma hated her. The universe hated her. It wanted her to live in a constant state of worry, and torment.

Everything was just... No, it wasn’t everything. It was just her. She was broken, not everything else, or anyone else. Just her. And she had no idea how to fix herself. She could put on a facade, and pretend everything was okay, but deep down it wasn’t. Sure, she was in love, and she had good friends, but none of them could understand how she felt. Perhaps that was unfair to think, because she hadn’t even suggested to them that she needed them. No, she just held everything in like she always did, until she burst and the anger, upset, and pain came seeping out in the form of tears.

Eury wished she could talk to someone, and tell them that nothing was as okay as she was saying it was. But she couldn’t. People relied on her. They relied on her to be the strong, fearless, badass leader. They relied on her being the comedic relief who never took things seriously. Her pride also wouldn’t let her tell anyone she needed help. Why did she have to be so stubborn? She knew that if she told Aspen or Rory, they’d be there for her in a flash, and try and make everything better. But she wasn’t going to do that. She wasn’t going to be selfish and drag them down with her. Hiding it was the best thing to do. She’d allow herself a few minutes to cry, then she’d get up from the cold, concrete ground of the abandoned parking lot she always frequented, go back to the dorm, and smile and nod at when asked if she was okay.

Who was she kidding? She couldn’t do that. As soon as someone asked if everything was alright, her bottom lip would definitely quiver, and then they’d immediately know something was very wrong, because Eury didn’t cry. It wasn’t something she did. She’d even had people refer to her as emotionally stunted, because she never expressed anything other than hyperactivity, anger, or super, manically depressive episodes on a bad day. ADHD intensified most feelings Eury felt, and right now? Right now she felt like running into a busy flow of traffic.

Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she typed in her passcode with trembling fingers. “C’mon Eury, stop being stubborn,” she sniffed, pulling up her contacts and scrolling down until she found the number she needed. “She’s not going to be mad, she loves you, you’re not a burden. She wants you, she does,” she told herself, sucking in a deep breath before pressing the call button. Holding the phone to her ear, she closed her eyes as she listened to the rings. “C’mon, pick up, please...” When she heard the voice she needed to hear on the other end of the phone, a wave of comfort washed over her. “Mama, I’m coming home. I need you. I’ve fucked up again.”

#para003 #para.#para: self.#//sorry for the emo. blame stephanie!

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