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albion-est · 4 years

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Cursed Commentary (E1)

the time has come to share my experience of this show!

already off to a good start with some on screen text don't you just love reading things when you go to watch something?

wow those bubbles in the water look so fake

aaaaaand we also have a voiceover at the beginning who woulda thought? me? certainly not

those flashbacks didn't need to be there. would have been much more interesting to see the scene play out and then do a flashback later

add fire to the list of bad cgi in this show

there's an eclipse...guess it's time to attack the fire nation

Nimue's mother's voice for some reason bothers me and I don't know why

so far they've said cursed/curse about 5 times

woah what is with that transition? although if we are comparing it to the book, it's actually fitting bc in the book the transitions are just as abrupt and nonsensical so

idk what it is about the slow zoom that the camera does with wide shots but it gives me a headache

lol the red paladin robes look like snuggies, which is ridiculous since their supposed to be mass murderers and everything

I mean can you imagine being murdered by a man in a snuggie? Cuz I can't. Guess we'll just wait and see it happen on screen

also, if for any reason, you ever wanted to cosplay as a red paladin, all you would need is a red snuggie and belt around your waist

like even the part around the collar is exactly the same asjgfksjsh (snuggie on the left, paladin on the right)

and yes I paused the show just to compile those images together

ok so like there's a scene of the paladins riding on horseback and it's so trippy because they have the same footage spliced together??? man I wish I knew how to make gifs to show you. you can see at 14:36

this is a bad photo but you can see that those are the same people with the exact same movements (guy who looks like he's trying too hard to ride the horse and the guy with the flag) also, not pictured but keep an eye on the guy on the white horse

had to turn off subtitles to get that last picture and then a guy starts whispering. couldn’t hear what he was saying so i turned subtitles back on to find this as the subtitle: [whispering]

tv!uther is gay just calling it like I see it folks

this is my obsession with bbc merlin here but they way uther says "merlin" at 17:57 is reminiscent of how arthur says it in bbc merlin with the stress on "mer" and it really took me back

I actually really like merlin's robe

add that town (Hawksbridge???) to the list of bad cgi

Pym: what if they find out you're a girl? Nimue: they won't *proceeds to not even try to hide her figure or her long hair*

pym's expression when nimue sees arthur is so funny

man the show did not do a good job with this scene bc nimue was drawn to arthur like how she is drawn to the hidden and there is no indication of that here...not that the book really delivered on that anyway but just saying

that juggler could have lice and now nimue has it too

man I was really excited to see arthur juggle in the show like he did in the book but alas I was deprived of this

In the book, nimue is the one who wants to stay, not pym and the way that the show portrays pym as encouraging nimue to talk to arthur and then do a complete 180 and urge nimue to go home makes no sense. either have pym encourage her or nimue go against her

how no one saw the fingers of airimid on nimue's face when she rolls the dice has the same energy as bbc merlin when merlin's eyes go gold as he plays dice against arthur and arthur doesn't notice despite looking right at him

I was hoping not to see the creepy three faced baby onscreen but there it is1

this scene where nimue is waving a sword around with arthur was bad in the book and I'm not surprised that it's worse in the show

the sounds of the horse's hooves is so out of sync lmao

why did they choose to have a horse on fire ride by when they could have easily seen the smoke from the fire from where they are

nimue charging directly into the path of the paladins in search for her mother is the stupidest thing. they didn't notice her yet and she could have snuck around undetected

also she just dragged pym with her despite her protests and then pym got taken smh

why did they paladin that took pym not just hit her with the axe he was holding? why take the effort to carry her?

The photo is kinda too dark to see but this paladin on the horse just ran over a paladin on the ground lmao

nimue was in the paladin's direct path to be butchered and then he turned away. so convenient for nimue

so what you're trying to tell me is that nimue can easily call to the hidden to play dice but can't use her powers at all when her village is being burned down and her people being murdered?

ok I guess they want to burn people alive on the cross so that's why they took pym alive? but how do they determine who to burn and who to just kill? is it random?

squirrel would be faster without both the sword and his little cape but whatever

how exactly does burning someone reveal their true form? they burn just the same as other people and they've been burning the fey for a while now so what evidence do they have of this???

where have the archers been this entire time?

that blood is too red. it's like paint

ah yes the bad guy dragging his sword on the ground to announce his arrival honestly this just dulls the blade and makes it more difficult to killed people but you do you

add the storm to the list of bad cgi

that knight is just asking to be struck by lightning

how it is that the rain was normal at first and then only after the reveal in the hall does the rain become blood? logistically, the rain had to have been blood before this because someone collected it in the bucket and they should have been drenched in blood trying to collect it. unless the rain just magically turned into blood after the fact which would make sense but there's nothing to indicate that

nimue: I have to find mother and pym *finds her mother and forgets about her best friend*

convenient giant rock is convenient

add wolves to the list of bad cgi

look I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure the wolves should be faster than nimue by like a lot. it looks like they're running at the same speed as her here which is ridiculous

she literally just punched that wolf in the face and won?

there's no way that she knew where to kick so that she'd hit that wolf. apparently swinging your legs around is an effective method of warding off wolves

the fact that a wolf clung onto her arm and another bit her leg twice and neither of them drew blood is also ridiculous

the wolves literally stop trying to get on the rock to give her time to take out the sword when that one wolf that had the advantage of being on another rock could have easily jumped up there and killed her

she wasn't even facing that wolf and managed to spin around completely and kill it

when the sword is stuck in the stone (lol) why did the wolf just wait? ot could have just pounced on her, knocking her to the ground, and then they all could have attacked her

like that wolf on the left jumped away from her even though she wasn't even pointing the sword at it like this wolf pack sucks

it's 2 against 1 and nimue doesn't even know how to use a sword and somehow she still manages to kill them all

what is with that blood splatter???

and that's apparently the end of the first ep...? doesn't leave much to be desired

it took me 2 hours to watch this 50 min ep because of my comments lol

overall, the show seems to follow the book pretty closely. some scenes are shortened to fit the episode but other than that it’s pretty much the same thus far

considering that the book reads like a screenplay, this is not surprising

stay tuned for episode 2 folks

#cursed #Cursed Netflix #netflix #cursed commentary #episode 1 #nimue #arthur #arthurian legend #bbc merlin #merlin

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suitedeggsyunwin-blog · 7 years

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Scene 2: Setting: Kingsman Dining Room Merlin, Roxy, and the other spies are at the table. The other spies cannot be seen without the glasses (of course). Everyone is talking and it is rather loud. People are confused and talking over one another. First Kingsman: I knew we should have had someone watchin that casket. Second Kingsman: Wouldn't have done anything for him, he's dead. We took all his spy gear off. Why you rambling on. Third Kingsman to the second: There's a dead body missing from a casket. And not just any dead body. Harry fucking Hart. You wouldn't have been alive without that man. So excuse all of us for getting our knickers in a twist. (Across the room) Merlin to Roxy: God. They're all going to drive me crazy. Haven't we got any footage of the room that Harry was in. Roxy: Yes sir. But there's nothing on it for us. Just shows a closed casket for the entirety of the footage. *Merlin rolls his eyes, leans back in his chair and then springs forward again* Merlin: WE...are a fucking SPY AGENCY. But we can't even guarantee a proper burial for our men. Roxy: And women... Merlin: Sorry Rox. *Merlin grumbles and groans before shouting* SHUT IT. *all the spies go quiet* Merlin: Now. I don't know why any of you are talking since there is no footage to talk about. I want you lads to start searching for the body and thinking about why it would have been taken in the first place. Our records show that everything of value was removed from Harry's person.....but perhaps we missed somethin? *the spies all look around at each other* Well. What are we waitin for. Why don't you make yourselves useful until Galahad (Eggsy) arrives. Meeting dismissed. *Merlin and Rox click off their glasses and the other spies disappear* Roxy to Merlin: He's late again. Merlin: I know. Harry sure did like the boy but he could have worked on his punctuality. *pause* Then again, I suppose Harry wasn't always one for being on time eit- *door flings open* Roxy: You alright? You look ghastly Eggsy. *Eggsy rushes in and skirts around the table towards Merlin* Eggsy: yeh I'm alright Rox. Just a bit rough without sleep you know. Maybe Harry's lucky. He's getting more sleep than I am. Merlin: I doubt it. Eggsy: You really think he's up and walking around.....? *Roxy looks at Merlin* Merlin: I didn't want to say anything to the other spies. They all think the body has been stolen. Eggsy: But maybe it was never in the casket to begin with. Merlin: Precisely. Valentines assistants were hunting around for us just as much as we were hunting around for them. They knew Harry. Saw his face. So of course Harry had to appear for the funeral. Eggsy: But he didn't stick around for the burial. Roxy: And if you're wrong....what are the consequences then? Merlin: Ransom. Or. If we weren't careful. Harry's glasses, data, and gear could have ended up in the wrong hands. Roxy: *grins* Well they ended up in Eggsy's so it can't get much worse can it. Eggsy: *rolls eyes and leans down to Rox to whisper to her* Ay, I done heard you and Hugh might be an item. *raises eyebrows* you'll invite me to the weddin yeh? Roxy: *surprised he knows this and crosses her arms* You got some nerve you know that. We aren't anything. Eggsy: *puts his hands up innocently* forgive me but *smiles* I do hear a lot since I have to meet with em all every week. Don't put out on the first date Rox. Doesn't look good. *smirks and then smiles* Roxy: *scoffs in surprise* you little- Merlin: *clears throat* I hate to interrupt your little meeting but there's a dead man walking. Start thinking of some possible ideas. We meet back with everyone in 15 minutes. *Merlin gives a somewhat look of disapproval and walks out of the dining room* Roxy: you really think he's still around? Eggsy: Yeh. I do actually. *Roxy gets up and heads towards the door* Roxy: I hope you're right. * exits* *Eggsy walks over to the head of the table and sits down in Arthur's previous chair. He runs his hands through his hair.* (Flashback) Harry: can't you see that everything I've done has been about trying to repay him.... Harry: you stay here. I'll sort this mess out myself. (Back to present) *Eggsy's Watch beeps.*

#kingsman the golden circle #kingsman fandom #kingsman fanfiction #suitedeggsyunwinfanficscene2

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qutemag · 7 years

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The movie guy reviews: Transformers -- The Last Knight

Article by Benjamin Harkin

Here we are. Every critic relishes this review, and many online have already let forth the torrent of bile that Transformers: The Last Knight deserves. Every Transformers movie I go in hoping I’ll be somewhat surprised that the movie reaches a baseline of ‘okay’, and bar maybe the third one which was brighter, more colourful and contained John Malkovich, every time I walk out frustrated and despairing. People say Michael Bay is an auteur – an auteur of what? Glorified tech demos? Showing off what the Industrial Light & Magic team can do? Because that’s all these movies have going for them. This is evident with the multiple aspect ratios, that’s right, IMDb records this movie showing three different aspect ratios, and another place thought the trailer had eight. You have black bars darting all around the image as the movie crops itself to fit around funky new cameras Michael Bay wants to toy with for the sponsorship. It is the weirdest, most distracting shit to see a movie switching aspect ratios all the way through for no discernible reason.

The film feels like six films meshed into one, or perhaps six plot threads focus-grouped into oblivion and smooshed together in a way that made some executive in a high-backed chair shift lazily in their seat to turn off the preview footage and say “fuck it, that’ll do” for the three editors to hastily clip together in something resembling a two and a half hour film. There’s the scene with a post-apocalyptic New York, ravaged after the climax of Transformers 4, with Transformers living in hiding of the anti-Transformers defense force set up to catch them, now that Optimus Prime is paralysed, orbiting the earth in a shell of his former self. Some foolhardy boys break into a ruined stadium with a giant jet engine ploughed into the field, saying self-aware bulldust like “we’re kids, we always get away with stuff!” Yes, that’s a fucking line in this movie. And not the worst by a mile. Then prowling the streets, looking under rubble, they run into a Transformer hiding itself under scrap. Couldn’t radar easily detect the hulking masses like Transformers for the military to destroy? Apparently fucking not, if a Transformer hides among some rubble, that’s a-okay. The kids then run into a girl, a strong-willed, adventurous-sounding 14-year-old who’s making her own way among the debris jungle and a close friend to this Transformer that gets mortally wounded by a fighter jet trying to save the kids. And do you think Bay uses this setup to anchor the film with a young heroine, make a movie that takes a U-turn on everything that the hypermasculine, Megan Fox-ass loving, dumb as a post joke-making crap that has defined his Transformers series? Fuck no, all the boys dialogue towards this girl is along the lines of “wow…she’s hot!” and “Are you single?” Fucking gross and sad is all I can say. Michael Bay can’t wait to get started on the explosions, objectification, and immaturity. The young girl doesn’t do anything of note in the movie, hell, I can’t even remember her name. She gets sidelined at the halfway point, literally left behind in a junkyard with her BB-8 rip-off robot. Michael Bay instead wheels out the contractually obliged Megan Fox stand-in to be the impetus for Mark Wahlberg to do something in the movie and crack a few lines about how single they both are. Wahlberg was probably given acting advice to approach the character by showing a face in deep thought over how utterly hot it would be if he and the Oxford tour-guide Megan Fox stand-in lady banged with the Transformers watching.

“Are you single?” proves to be a theme in this movie, more than any kind of motif or any of the half-mumbled prattling about values that Optimus Prime manages to heave out of this exhaustingly mind-numbing, overbloated movie. Characters are defined by whether they’re single or not, not whether they fight for honesty, or freedom, or love, or caring for friends, or whether they want to be friends with giant robots. Nah it’s the fact that Mark Wahlberg and Megan Fox stand-in in this movie are on steroids and the camera treats them like they’re perpetually posing for Tinder. Characters from earlier in the series, like John Turturro, make manically unintelligible appearances to rant about doomsday situations. A physics scientist gets laughed at when he tells the president the world will end in roughly three days. Optimus Prime manages to awake himself out of being basically a dead robot to shoot himself somehow across the galaxy onto his home planet of Cybertron, which he knows was destroyed but fuck it, why not go there for refuge? And why not fall back to earth if you’re a dead shell of a Transformer? Nah, the logic in this movie is adverse to science or plot logic, or continuity, or good filmmaking, his dead body can float across the galaxy instead! Cybertron is now run by some Sorceress Robot Woman who twists Optimus into getting Cybertron fixed as a planet by colliding it with earth to suck up the planet’s core. Fucking who knows. Cybertron somehow flies across the universe in the time it takes this movie to skim across five other unresolved plot threads, like why Mark Wahlberg has a spiderly amulet thing that’s super powerful and what he is actually supposed to do with it, or what the whole deal was with the three-headed dragon robot that appears at points throughout the film, or why Megatron wants to break out his mates Suicide Squad-style or why the humans are willing to work with Megatron who was the bane of everyone for the previous four movies, or why John Goodman’s cigar-chomping Transformer gets blown up by rockets and falls over, presumed dead as the camera cuts to a new scene, then he just randomly reappears later on, or why Bumblebee fought Nazis in WWII. And the location used for the scene of Nazis being blown to smithereens, full with Swastika banners draped over the looming building? That my friends is Winston Churchill’s house. I’m sure Britain’s favourite wartime leader, known for everything Hitler was not, span so hard in his grave he tunnelled to the earth’s core.

Stanley Tucci plays a drunk Merlin in a flashback to the Dark Ages, for reasons never fully explored, despite being another character in the present for the previous movie. The Great Tucci Retcon. Oh and there’s Anthony Hopkins too. A wisened masterclass of an actor, made remarkably awkward and a total caricature for a man who used to be Hannibal Lector. He’s in this, 110% for the paycheck. Bay makes him say ‘duuuude’ and ‘that’s a bitch-ass car!’ because it’s cool to make grandpa say hip things sometimes. He has a robot butler assistant who’s also a borderline homicidal maniac for reasons that are never explained. He also has a WWI tank Transformer who has ‘robot-dementia’ or whatever which is an interesting concept far too intriguing for a movie this unforgiveably terrible so the Transformer is yet another sidelined idea in a litany of focus-grouped half-baked brain farts.

The entire movie is unfunny, every joke (and there are heaps, all undercutting the otherwise dead-serious grit and aimed at the lowest denominator possible while conscious) hits like a fucking sledgehammer wielded by lemurs on crack, rushed in delivery, painfully without any semblance of cleverness or wit, the setup too predictable and the payoff so fucking moronic, with editing so poor in timing that a joke about the butler robot playing the sweeping Transformer themes on an organ to give the scene a gravitas was completely lost when Anthony Hopkins cranked his sad, demur grimace up to the butler so slow you could’ve gone to the bathroom and back and the joke would still be playing out. I’ve said it once after Pain & Gain and I’ll say it again: Michael Bay cannot direct comedy and he shouldn’t. For whatever reason the gift of a funny bone doesn’t materialise in the filmmaking process.

The fight scenes are meh. Every one lacks any weight because frankly you don’t give a fuck about any of this while watching. You don’t care which Transformer fights which because they’re all so underutilised and shallow that you could probably get more pizzazz in banging your stapler against the computer mouse on a slow day at the office. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how half these scenes of metal clunking against metal were storyboarded. And they don’t mean anything either, Transformers are rarely shown actually being killed, and yet the ones shown dying without any fights or lead-up (because the editing is god-awful and rushed) are full on bleeding weird green blood which is probably too violent for a young kid, which is where this gritty, dark-looking, yet oddly cartoonish spaghetti-works is squarely aimed.

I should probably end this review somewhere. This sounds like a good place. I could go on and honestly, part of me felt the usual catharsis of a critic tearing a big-budget Hollywood mess to shreds, and giving the finger to this kind of spiteful, audience-hating focus-grouped piss that flows through the summer action blockbuster gate from time to time, but another part of me doesn’t feel that catharsis. Instead, a part of me feels a silent rage, because I know this review, or any other review, or any of all the people who happen to see these movies for what I could only describe as sheer self-flagellation and tell everyone else it is complete garbage, it won’t stop Michael Bay making Transformers, and it sure as hell won’t stop the franchise. Somehow this is what gets bankrolled over those millions of other screenplays of what could be great action blockbusters. Michael Bay has said he’s stepping down from the Transformers franchise, but that’s what he always says. Paramount have two more Transformers movies lined up for the next two years, they see this as being able to grow out into yet another expanded universe franchise with Bumblebee getting a spin-off movie. I know this is useless, this review. It’s just words screamed into a void, a void of producers and executives running endless focus groups, workshopping the movies through too many editors and writers and camera lenses for maximum 3D so everyone can spend the biggest amount of dollars possible. Because this is the thing: Michael Bay doesn’t care. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t care. Anthony Hopkins doesn’t care. Maybe the digital effects people care. All the people involved in this production, they watch the finished product and I’m sure that no matter where they thought their part was going, they were a little deflated and depressed by it too, especially the fifth time around, but they can forget about their shame at the end of the day. Because they’re all getting their paycheck and a contract for Transformers 6, and you’re doing yourself out of the $20+ you spent to see this rotten film.

(Transformers: The Last Knight is currently showing.)

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