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birdsthatsingaftermidnight · 4 years

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So, we’re watching Return of the Jedi

The alarm going off has nothing to do with the force field being down and everything to do with Darth Vader arriving. AWOOOGA AWOOOGA WEAR LOOSE COLLARED SHIRTS SO AS NOT TO GIVE HIM IDEAS.

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"I hope so, Commander, for your sake. Don't make me promote you to Admiral so I can kill you and promote someone else to Admiral in your place!"

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"Ne wanga wanga" tentatively translated as "We don't buy at the door."

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"Look, R2! It's Captain Solo! And he's no longer frozen in carbonite! Now he's stored in a massive Irn Bru bottle as a conversation piece!"

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Enter Princess Leia - Space BADASS. Seriously, I watched this when I was five or so and she made such an impact on me.

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Whatever language that is, it doesn't half make "yoto" work for it.

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It's Lando Calrissian! Cunningly disguised by covering his chin. Well DONE, Lando!

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Han Solo falls to the ground, blind and shivering. "I can't see." "Shh. You’re over-reacting to the flu. Take some paracetamol and GET UP."

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"Ho ho ho!" "What's that?" "Oh no! It's SANTA!"

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Chewbacca: "Rarrr!" Tentative translation: "It's only a COLD! Will you PLEASE stop going ON!"

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Luke's not doing anything to the Space D&D Orcs - they're just painfully shy and don't like being pointed at.

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Luke's soft voiced instructions and Bib Fortuna repeating them is great.

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Why doesn't Huttese have words for "Old", "Mind" and "Trick"? I can buy not bothering to translate "Jedi" but otherwise it's just plain lazy.

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I always felt sorry, even as a kid, for the Rancor keeper. I mean, yes, he does enjoy watching the beasty eat people up, but he's SO SAD that his pet is dead! I hope he got a puppy or something to keep him company.

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And where on earth are they going to find a shoe box big enough to bury him in the sad patch behind the shed?

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What makes the Sarlak all-powerful? It's a toothy hole in the ground. It's not like he's going to come over there and get you if you don't stop talking shit.

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Han Solo's dialogue from "I think my eyes are getting better" to "he'll get no such pleasure from us. Right?" is beautiful.

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Bobba Fett - terrifying bounty hunter or space idiot? YOU DECIDE!

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PRINCESS LEIA.

SPACE.

BADASS.

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"Let's go. And don't forget the droids. And somebody lend Leia a t-shirt."

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Yoda: "Twilight is upon me. Read them I have. Will to live lost. Mmmm."

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Why does Luke have to confront Vader again in order to be a Jedi? It seems so arbitrary. Luke: "Instead of confronting Vader, can't I do like three moderately difficult things instead? Drain the swamp. Give you a mani-pedi. I don't know, bake you a cake?"

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Luke: "You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father." Obi-Wan: "Your father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. Because he was a twat."

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Luke: "Leia. Leia is my sister... but... we..." [Luke vomits in swamp.]

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Mon Mothma, in a haunted voice: "Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

"Maybe we shouldn't have written it on Bothan hide."

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General Madine's fake beard is INCREDIBLE. Do you think he's on the run and thus in disguise? If so, I really hope Madine's not his real name, because if it is Mon Mothma just outed him to EVERYONE.

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I love that Han and Chewie bicker like they're a couple on a road-trip and one of them wants to stop and ask for directions.

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"We're all in camouflage, blending in superbly with the Forest Moon landscape. This is excellent! No one will spot us! Let's just remember to bring our pessimistic, anxiety-ridden, SHINY GOLDEN droid with us! That will help us blend in YET MORE BETTER STILL!"

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Finally, a Stormtrooper that hit something!

Seriously - you're going at a MILLION MILES AN HOUR on the Forest Moon of Endor, which is stuffed with Giant Redwoods. WHY WOULD YOU LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER INSTEAD OF IN FRONT OF YOU? WHY? That guy is now the poster child for speeder bike safety.

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"Take the squad ahead! You don't need leaders! We're not necessary! You do your thing and we'll go rescue Leia from the Space Bears."

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"Freeze!" [Leia removes poncho. It’s cold on that there moon.]

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Space Bears, sir! THAAAAAAAZANDS OF THEM!

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Why is Princess Leia not getting cooked? Because, as previously discussed, she is a Space. Badass.

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Ewoks: "We think he's a god. Just a really rubbish one."

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"Now, C-3PO, if someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!"

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By the look on Princess Leia's face, she's just remembered the few times she kissed Luke.

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Emperor: "You want this, don't you?" [Strokes lightsaber suggestively.] Luke: [shudders]

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Emperor: "You, like your father, are now MINE." Me: "It's all going a bit Hugh le Despensers in here." Him: [Knows better than to risk an impromptu history lesson by asking.]

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Everything Admiral Ackbar says is golden. Everything.

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Darth Vader: "It is too late for me, son. Several books I took out of the Naboo library are twenty years overdue and I can't afford to pay the fines. The Emperor is not generous with his pay scales."

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Imperial Officer, thinking: “We’re winning! But ooh… hang on. Ooh, no. The rebels are scary and they have guns and… hold up! I’ve got Stormtroopers! STORMTROOPERS! ADVANCE! Get them surrounded. More surrounded… bit more… Point your guns at them! Oh my good gravy, yes! YES! They’ve surrendered! NOW’S MY CHANCE! Imperial Officer, out loud: "You rebel scum!” Imperial Officer, thinking: "I AM THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE! YESSSSSS!!!!!"

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Lando: "Only the fighters are attacking. I wonder what those star destroyers are waiting for?" [Cuts to star destroyer] Officer: "I wonder what we're waiting for?"

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Alternatively: Lando: "Only the fighters are attacking. I wonder what those star destroyers are waiting for?" Emperor: "You may fire once peak electricity time is OVER, and NOT before!"

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[Speculatively]: "Do you think Stormtroopers are like tortoises? It's not that the Ewoks are so mighty that pushing people over kills them, it's just they can't get up again."

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I don't know why Darth Vader doesn't go down the route that Palpatine did when converting him. It worked well enough to convince him to do any number of rotten things!

"Give in to the dark side, Luke! WE HAVE COOKIES and the Emperor lets you stay up ALL NIGHT if you want!"

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The saddest part of this movie is when one ewok tries to wake the other ewok then realises the other ewok is dead.

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The Emperor does brilliantly evil enunciation.

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The Emperor: "Your feeble powers are no match for the static generated by my polyester robe!" [shuffles feet on carpet; zarks Luke.]

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The guards the Emperor sent away when Luke arrives, peaking around the corner 1: "It's okay, Darth Vader will protect the Emperor. Yup. There he goes. Oh. Oh, he's lost a hand! Oh, no! It's okay! The Skywalker chap's given up! Oooh! Tough break with the lightning! It's okay though, I reckon we can relax. Darth Vader's not going to grab the Emperor and throw him down that- oh. Oh buggery fuck." The guards the Emperor sent away when Luke arrives, peaking around the corner 2: "Reckon it's time to join the Rebellion, Pete." The guards the Emperor sent away when Luke arrives, peaking around the corner 1: "Yup."

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Darth Vader: "Do you think killing the Emperor is enough to get those library fines taken off?"

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When is an A-Wing not an A-Wing? When it's suddenly a flaming Ford pick-up truck slamming though the window!

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...do you think Darth Vader has to take vitamin D supplements in order not to get rickets?

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Luke's plan: "Look everyone! I saved him! He's back to the light side!" Everyone else: "That's... Darth Vader." Luke: "Yep! And he's a goody now! Isn't that BRILLIANT?" Everyone else: "...um..." Luke: "Let's have a PARTY! Then we can find something for him to do! Isn't this GREAT?" Leia: <facepalm> Darth Vader: "I'm good with children. I have experience. Any you want getting rid of?" Luke: <beaming happily> Everyone else: <stunned silence> Darth Vader: "I'm good at making sure they don't get out of hand."

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Luke: <sadly sets fire to Darth Vader.> Han Solo, downwind: "Could anyone else really go some barbecue right now?"

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Ewok playing music on stormtrooper helmets: "There is a more than zero percent chance that we cooked and ate the previous inhabitants of what is now my new xylophone."

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Force Ghost Obi-Wan: "Wait a minute. How did he get to come back as a young, handsome version of himself? WHY DIDN'T I GET TO COME BACK AS EWAN MCGREGOR?!"

#Star Wars #Return of the Jedi #RotJ #Leia Organa #Princess Leia #Luke Skywalker #Darth Vader #Anakin Skywalker #Obi Wan Kenobi #Han Solo #Emperor Palpatine #hilarity

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