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mikeshanlon · 3 years

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i really enjoy the way young royals explores the theme of legacy and how detrimental it can be to have to live up to a legacy or be obsessed with reputation. (analysis and thoughts under the cut)

i think wilhelm resents the fact that he has to live up to the role of being in the royal family and yet is very afraid of ruining that legacy bc of all the pressure. before he was sent off to hillerska he went to a normal school and wanted normal people around him and was content with erik having to take on the responsibilities of crown prince. and when he does have to assume that role he says he can never be erik, that he’s always had to be compared to him and obviously doesn’t like that. but even before erik passed and he had to take on those duties he was afraid of fucking up the legacy of the crown, when he sees that sign in the hallway that says you are in charge of your own legacy after he holds hands with simon, his anxiety worsens. you can tell it’s been instilled in him for a long time that what is most important is the crown’s reputation rather than his own wants. in the scene where him and simon fight about alexander being caught, he obviously wants simon to stay, but he focuses on how him doing drugs will fuck up his family’s reputation if it gets leaked. as much as he cares for simon, his legacy and his duties are like this oppressive cloud hanging over him.

i do think that wille cares for his family of course but to me it’s different that the sort of loyal unconditional care with simon and his sister/mom. erik and wille had unconditional love, erik understood how difficult being a prince in the public eye was, and wille obviously cared for him deeply and felt like he could to talk to him about issues. his relationship with the queen is much more strained, she wants a tailored, doctored representation of him in the media, he cannot be anxious and bite his nails, she makes all the decisions for him. family is important to wille partially because it has to be bc of how special his family is. he helps his family, he helps august pay his tuition, and then makes a point of disowning august after his betrayal as his new “brother”. but again, because of the royal status and expectations upon the family, that supersedes and colors all of their relationships with each other. it seems to be more a sense of “duty” than unconditional love. especially after erik’s death, wille always has to consider how the crown’s image will be impacted, even though he never wanted to have this responsibility, or even the responsibility of being the “regular” prince under erik. being a family unit that is under constant public scrutiny is going to strain relationships. the queen knows that the anxiety of fucking up his legacy will get to him, and she uses that to get wilhelm to back out of admitting it was him in the video and coming out. wilhelm has to choose between his own happiness and their reputation, is forced to think that denying it’s him in the video is the only way. he loves simon and wanted to live freely, but that pressure of legacy won out.

i don’t know if i think wille necessarily values the crown over his own personal happiness and relationships, like in the way maybe the queen does--i don’t think it comes from a place of “i’m lucky to be prince and owe my duty to the crown, so i do what i have to do to stay that way” (like how the queen said the crown is a privilege not a punishment), but from fear of destroying the legacy and his family. afterall, he still wanted to pursue a secret relationship with simon, i think if he fully valued the crown and uplifting legacy and fulfilling his duties he wouldn’t have tried that. he wouldn’t have made a point to tell simon he loves him. hopefully we get another season because i think with the iconic ending revolution rendition and him looking in the camera, which also parallels the shot of him being forced to apologize/go to hillerska, he is realizing that focusing on legacy is taking away what’s important to him, and he’s going to shake shit up.

august is definitely the most obsessed with legacy, wanting to carry on his father’s business, being persistent on befriending wilhelm and trying to social climb, wanting power and perfection with being prefect, rowing captain etcetera. he is so obsessed with perfection and reputation he gets addicted to drugs, he fucks with simon and makes him get stuff for parties he can’t afford because good parties will make him look better, he manipulates sara multiple times, he mostly wanted felice because of her nobility, he fucking films wilhelm and simon and OUTS him, his own cousin. he hates that wille has everything he wants but isn’t as interested in preserving and more importantly improving the legacy he’s inheriting. meanwhile august’s familial legacy is dwindling, and he holds on to the last bit of assets and names that he can.... v much sick and a weirdo that shows how harmful being obsessed with legacy is

the queen is of course v focused on legacy and it really breaks my heart and makes me angry that she doesn’t care about wilhelm’s happiness more than their reputation, and moreso doesn’t get august in trouble for literally leaking child p*rn of her kid for the sake of appearances?!?!?! like how is he even remotely trustworthy she is wrong for that! like i said earlier the obsession with legacy puts a strain on their mother/son relationship. she doesn’t even really say anything about wille’s sexuality or his relationship, and barely comforts him, mostly goes in with a plan she’s already concocted without him to fix everything.

erik seemed to understand and accept his role as crown prince but obviously had issues with it as well, like when he makes the plan for him and wilhelm to run from the press, or when he tells wilhelm to enjoy himself while there aren’t so many eyes on him that care. erik shows someone who has more unconditional love and empathy but still has to focus on legacy and is much more inclined to continue his legacy, but we do see those glimpses over how even the most “ideal” attitude of preserving legacy causes issues.

felice is expected to live up to her mother’s legacy, of being an equestrian, of being the lucia, but she doesn’t want either of those things. her mother wants her to be thinner and straighten her hair, and find someone of nobility to be with. obviously she does find wilhelm attractive lol but i think the main reason she pursued him and definitely why she pursued august was because she was expected to social climb and have royal kids. felice feels the need to portray a false narrative of herself on social media to uphold a certain image of herself. it’s very fucked up that her mom wants those values instilled in her but i love that felice was putting up boundaries and pushing back against her mother and the narrative she’s supposed to live up to. her giving sara the role of lucia and focusing on supporting her friends more in the latter half of the season shows growth and i’m excited to see where her story goes.

sara is interesting because she seems to want to reject the legacy of her family and being working class and to fit in with the elite of hillerska. sara hates micke, hates that simon contacted him because it’s bringing in this “shameful” and painful part of their past (which i mean is def fair). other than sara’s betrayal in 1.06, i think the scene where she tells her family that she wants to reside at hillerska really exemplifies where she’s at in her relation to legacy/class. after dining at hillerska and living amongst the elite she gets annoyed at eating around the TV, she blames her mother for not leaving micke sooner, she gets angry with simon for caring for her. she wants to lead her own life, be popular and wanted because people want her, not for pity (even though i think simon of course truly cares abt his sister she feels annoyed with his protection and care). felice says early on that she thinks sara doesn’t care what other’s think or having friends, and sara says she still wants friends though. i think sara’s biggest thing is she wants to belong, her and simon moved schools after she was bullied for being autistic so i think that definitely affected her even though she tries to act nonchalant about hillerska at first. we see sara’s longing to fit in in smaller ways at first, like her asking her mom for a better piece of her uniform because hers are “cheap” and already worn out. she gets annoyed at simon for chewing loudly, or her mother sitting casually at the table. as she gets closer to felice and madison and all the other students, the allure of the upper class and their lifestyle draws her in more. so much to the point where she gets very anxious and upset at the idea of her and simon leaving hillerska because he’s having his own crisis and doesn’t consider his pov. so much so that she effectively betrays simon and felice, the people she’s closest to, to make a deal (and make out lol) with august to room there and “be just like him”. personally i think sara’s attraction to august is mostly that allure of the elite and that he seemed to “desire” her when he kissed her because he was being a manipulative dickhead--again that want to fit in and be wanted. and i think there is a really interesting angle of jealousy and competition in female friendships, even if it is really subtle or not intentionally insidious or anything, sara does slowly start to trying to assume all the roles/fashions/mannerisms of felice to live that life she wants. i do think felice and sara’s care for each other is genuine and one of my fave parts of the show, but i think a lot of people who experienced being a teen girl know how we are always pitted against each other even in our subconscious because of how society treats and values women.

simon seems to be the character that is least interested in upholding legacy and tradition or giving a fuck what anyone thinks (as omar said here lmao) and that makes him a really interesting foil to wilhelm. there could be something said about micke fearing that simon is following in his footsteps, but to me that plot more so reveals how the upper class (august) continually exploit the working class for their benefit, and the trappings of generational oppression. the other thing that can be said is simon signing up for private tutoring and rowing, but again i think that serves to further show that he is forced to “play” by the game of the elites because the school/society is corrupt, and also, that simon has further ambitions outside of where he’s at. he wants to get good grades because he wants to explore new places and avenues. to me simon’s biggest motivations are his passions, the things and people he loves--music, his family, wilhelm. he isn’t loyal to others just because he’s expected to be, or uphold a certain image but because he really cares. he doesn’t watch out for sara because that’s his expected role as her brother to do so, but because he cares. he wasn’t interested in knowing wilhelm because he’s a prince like everyone else, he makes it clear he thinks the royal family are privileged and exploitative, but he is interested because he saw the real wilhelm. he’s out and proud even though his elite classmates are more conservative, he doesn’t care about voicing his unpopular opinions, he has no problem walking away from august’s dickhead behavior or calling him out on his shit. simon doesn’t care if people don’t think of him in the best light. (the only exceptions ig are the drugs conflict and the video, though literally anyone would have a problem with that because it’s much deeper that public opinion and has ramifications and is deeply traumatic--but just adding that before someone is like “well actually!”) i also think it’s interesting that most of the songs simon sings has themes of pushing back against the societal norms, and being remembered in history, plus of course the revolution song motif, and how much those songs affect wilhelm, he seems to connect deeply, like he wishes he could do those things but simon is the one who gets to sing them and actually live them.

#young royals #the way this is 2k words lmfao #i do not expect ppl read to this but when the analytical worm starts gnawing on my rottin brain i must oblige

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rasp-passion-two · 3 years

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Hello, sorry if this is annoying but can you explain how Himiko is neurodivirgent, I don't mean to come off as rude or anything, I just don't know much about the topic and am curious? Sorry to cause any trouble.

It’s absolutely not any trouble!! I love talking about how Himiko shows signs of being neurodivergent. It hits close to home specifically since not only is she one of my favorite characters, but I relate to her a lot. Okay, this might be a bit long, so sorry about that lol:

So in case you don’t know exactly what it is, neurodiversity is when mentally your brain is wired differently than normal, or “neurotypical”, peoples brains. Especially with considerably easy functions like socialising, thinking, learning, developing or ageing, and many others. Many disorders can fall under the neurodiversity spectrum. ADHD, BPD, autism spectrum disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, dyslexia, and many others.

Personally, I think Himiko would fall into the category of being autistic, which has a lot going into it, but can be summed up as a developmental disorder that involves delays in communication, thinking, social situations, and basic human understanding.

Though there is a thread on Twitter that does a good job covering certain criterias that I won’t end up covering (her lack of understanding of social cues, development delays, the reason why she’s depressed, etc.) and it’s really good!!

Below, I’ll list the traits that, in my opinion, Himiko possesses that are common in ND people. Not all of them will be listed, just the bigger ones:

Talking in a slow, almost “emotionless” way

Himiko talks a certain way throughout the whole of the game, rarely ever changing even when she’s expressing very strong emotions. From the very first line she speaks, Himiko talks about something exciting to her, but still sounds very flat and unenthused. Most ND people will always speak in the same tone of voice no matter what. Sometimes, it's very flat and monotone, like Himikos. Sometimes they'll speak slowly either to gather together what they want to say next, or that's just how they were wired to speak. (Almost exactly like Jataro from DR:AE who speaks in a similar way. Who also has a few neurodivergent traits. But that's just a theory c:)

Childish behavior

This usually ranges, but Himiko has a few traits that neurodivergent people have that others consider “too childish”. She’s extremely naive in how she perceives the world, people around her, and their intentions with interacting with her. Like when Kaito asked her to bring her a crossbow of all things and it takes little for her to be convinced to assist him. Or when Kokichi makes fun of her, and she doesn't always gets it. She's sometimes able to understand, but mostly she doesn't understand that he's just taking advantage of her innocence to treat her how he does with others. She takes things everyone says at face value and believes them easily. Her peers consider her to be a bit slow in many areas, almost in a childlike way. She almost has a child-level understanding of vocabulary (i.e. pronounces words the way children do like how the way she says magic almost sounds like “myagic”, her vocabulary is pretty limited, and she usually starts using certain words that she hears others use). When having her Master brought up with the possibility that he left her selfishly and that she was better than him, she always denies it, keeping an innocent mentality so she won’t feel too bad. After being motivated to move forward, she’s seen a lot to want to be helpful to the group and do something useful, and in return they, in my opinion, view that behavior how older people view a child wanting to be helpful to them. The thread above goes more into detail (her bathroom issues, having a unique way of remembering and referring to objects), but these are only some of the examples for Himiko's maturity.

Being a “gifted child” when she was young

This is entirely my speculation since this is never addressed in canon, but Himiko strikes me as a former “gifted child” which most NDs go through. Her “gift” was discovered at a young age and she was really skilled at it. She was known for it by huge masses of people and praised for it. She even had to save the person who saw the talent in her and taught her everything she knows about it when he made a mistake. She gets invited to all types of events because of it. Lot’s of ND kids who were thought of as “gifted'' may have gone through the same thing. It would also explain why she’s so depressed and unmotivated through most of the game, as a result of what’s called “gifted child syndrome”. Having so much praise and expectations set on her so young. Getting older and not having the same energy for it as you had before. Technically all the DR kids are former gifted children, since they're the product of a company exploiting their "gifts", which is a factor in how the world ended in the way it was. But Himiko has more, you could say "traditional" symptoms and after-effects of growing up as a gifted child (depressed, lack of motivation, lack of motivation in her subject, etc.).

Being viewed as lazy

Even though she takes what she's passionate about seriously, less than when she was younger or not, Himiko doesn't always take action with magic, and even everyday tasks. ND people usually lack any sort of drive, sometimes having an “I’ll come back to it later” mentality, excited about it or not. Himiko lacks any drive and motivation throughout the game, even at the idea of being killed, or put in the line of suspicion for someone's killer. She’ll always make excuses on why she can’t act on things, the most common being “she doesn’t have enough MP”. Which goes back to her talent as a magician, which she is especially sluggish in.

Bottling in her emotions and not wanting them to show. But when she does, it results in an on-going meltdown

We all saw it in its prime during the end of the third trial after all, right? Himiko was sort of always closed in, but it wasn't extreme since she hadn't hit her lowest yet. When she did though, (being the prime suspect of Ryoma dying, her closest friends Tenko and Angie dying, being one of the suspects of one of their murders, etc.) She still attempted to hold it all in, which ND people do for a variety of reasons (not knowing how to process extreme emotions, not wanting too much attention by expressing them, or choosing unhealthy ways to process your feelings, amongst others). But once Kokichi called her out for the second time? Not only was everything practically gushing out of her face, but she literally passed out from crying for so long. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that myself, ha.

The same thing happened in the last trial kind of. Once the truth of the killing game and their identities is revealed, she seems to have a meltdown. It could be from the overwhelmingness of the situation. It could be the amount of "change" of the situation, which she doesn't even remember. It could also be overstimulating tones with the change in environment, the info dumping, and how everyone jumped from topic to topic etc. Meltdowns are normal for ND people, especially since they usually hold in their feelings. Himiko got better at expressing herself, but meltdowns will still happen once something overwhelming occurs (it's a great way to let out steam!!)

Stimming

Stimming is when someone, ND or not, self-stimulates themselves by repeatedly moving in some way either by speaking, moving either themselves or something else, or watching someone else do it. Most of the time, you can see Himiko fidgeting with her fingers or with her hat. Doing something with her hands, which is a form of stimming

Despite that, Himiko most noticeably stims by speaking, as she sometimes repeats stuff others say, sometimes repeats a word in order to comfort herself and her beliefs (saying “it’s magic” over and over, either in retaliation or in general), and has a go-to word that she’ll always use almost every sentence when she doesn’t know what to say, is caught off guard/by surprise, or just when she starts and ends her sentences (y’know like, “nyeh”?).

“Odd” facial features/expressions

This one presents itself a lot in the game and through her design as well. Her lip stays tucked out all the time, her eyes don’t always stay open, and her face often keeps the same expression (tired and kind of bored). Just like when she speaks, even when she's expressing intense emotions, she'll keep a mellow expression. She lifts her hat into the air and not much changes expression-wise. She'll be accusatory to someone and not much changes expression-wise. To certain people she interacts with, they think her face is "weird" since it'll pull in ways it usually doesn't for NT people. It could be because she's trying to force the look on herself so it's more easier for people to read (which is shown to be the case for most people), but it's also possible that it's just how she looks. Since she's older, she has more freedom to make more strategies to have more natural expressions, but it's still off-putting to some of her peers.

The infamous saying, “she comes off as annoying”

Many people know this one well, and Himiko is no different, especially in the earlier chapters. Almost everything stated above is a factor that plays in people's disdain for Himiko, in the game and the fandom. Characters like Shuichi, Kaede, Tenko, and even Angie are one of the only few people who try to understand and adjust to Himiko's behavior in their own method, while everyone else either ignores her, doesn’t take her seriously, or even end up bullying her because of it, not willing to adjust themselves for her specific brand of behavior. Being an obvious target, coming off as weird, being too blunt and coming off as rude (which even caused her having strained relationships with K1-B0, Miu, etc.), sometimes hyperfixating too hard on magic (her “special interest”), all seem to be a reason for people thinking she’s too high maintenance.

,,,this ask sure is a month old isn’t it? retrdfyugihhuyt I am EXTREMELY sorry I answered this so late, but I haven’t been online lately because of moving, but at least I managed to finish this in less than a day lol. It’s long, but I love Himiko, and love all the quirks that make her who she is, and am happy to explain it to others!! I hope this answered your questions either way (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

#side blog asks n answers #danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #ndrv3 #danganronpa killing harmony #new danganronpa v3 #himiko yumeno #danganronpa discourse #GOD i practically just excreted infodump all over this post #hopefully this clear essay which i was clearly excited to write which i clearly wrote in a day is coherent

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kaisquawks · 3 years

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Blood

They called it the vessel, just so because it was a vessel of destruction. It had killed so many people across their fair country. Leaving naught in it’s wake, save for a blood stained ground. Avarice was young and heeded the warnings of the adults in the village. She stayed indoors when it got past suppertime, she didn’t stray far from the house when she played during the day and always locked her bedroom door. One night she awoke to a horrible sound, a woman was screaming, then silence. Another scream, most likely a man, silence again. Closer, she recognised Miss Callaway, her neighbour, voice talking, then silence, a short scream and silence again. She quietly left her bed and made it like her mother had said to do when you get out of bed. She could hear more voices now, the village was waking up. She hid under the bedframe her blanket hanging over the side, obscuring her from view. She was clutching the doll her mother had made her, fashioned after the duchess governing their province. She could hear her parents talking now, suddenly she heard her mother scream, silence, her father started to say something in a quiet voice she’d never heard him use before then, silence. To her surprise nothing tried to open her door, she didn’t have to climb out the window like her father had said to do. She hated climbing out the window her legs would dangle and she scraped her knees last time. The screaming and silence pattern continued long into the night, until the silence was no longer interrupted. Avarice did as any good girl would do in her situation, she went to bed and slept until morning.

When the sun woke her the next day she had briefly forgotten the events of the previous night. Still rubbing her sleepy eyes she wandered into the kitchen and found it was covered completely in blood. The fireplace, the pots, her mothers favourite apron. Everything was drenched in sticky congealing blood. It smelt awful and she decided to go outside to get some fresh air. This did not help as the morning sun was warming the blood all over the ground in the village, it smelt worse than what was in her kitchen. Feeling overwhelmed she trotted past the village square her feet sticking to the ground as she went out to the paddocks where Mr. Baltimore’s sheep were. They bleated expectantly at her, there was no hay stack for them to munch on this morning. She remembers hearing Mrs. Baltimore shouting last night. She pet the sheep until they realised she wasn’t going to feed them and scattered about the paddock nibbling on what was left of the spring grass. She picked at the grass, hungry but not wanting to go back into the kitchen. Fly’s were starting to collect around her feet and she decided to walk down to the small river next to Mr. Baltimore’s farm. She dipped them in the water and watched the blood float down the stream in translucent ribbons. Once they were clean she wiped them with her nightdress and sat by the bank throwing peddles. She was still hungry. From across the paddock she could hear shouting, normally she would stay away because it was probably the school boys making a ruckus. But she was bored and hungry so followed the voices. Eventually she stood on the outskirts of the village again, dreading the smell of blood. However it did not dissuade her for long. She marched along the street the blood having dried more now, until she saw a collection of armoured men, knights she realised, on horseback. One of them noticed her and pointed, all the men stood to attention and drew their weapons, they were aimed her. Why? she thought, knights were meant to protect little girls. The one that had noticed her dismounted at the order of one of the fancier looking knights, he had a flag on his spear. The knight approached her slowly weapon still pointing at her, she stood still and didn’t move. When he got close enough she spoke.

“I’m hungry.” She stated hoping he would understand her predicament, to punctuate this her stomach growled. The knight stopped moving and looked back at his friends, they were talking amongst themselves.

“Hungry for what?” One of them shouted, he was shorter than the others. She smiled.

“Breakfast, I have eggs and milk.” She replied, the knights started talking again and lowered their weapons, she could hear bits of their conversation now that they had stopped whispering.

“Well they didn’t say it could talk, or that it looked like a little girl.” There was another little girl? There was only little boys in her village, she got excited.

“Can I meet her? I’m sure we’d be fast friends!” The knights stopped talking for a moment then a couple of them chuckled.

“Fast friends, more like fast dinner.” One of the older knights muttered.

“We should probably search for more survivors before we move on, this-” He pointed at Avarice.

“-hasn’t happened before, we can question her about what she saw at the Duchess’ Manor.” Avarice started jumping up and down, she’d never met the Duchess, only her stories from her mother.

“I would like that very much! I want to tell the Duchess about my doll.” The knight closest to her removed his helmet so she could see his face, it was a her. Her expression was soft as she kneeled down in front of Avarice.

“Alright but first we need your name, I’m Valery.” The knight held out her armoured hand.

“I’m Avarice nice to meet you!” She took the offered hand with hers and shook it vigorously earning a chuckle out of Valery.

The knights spent around an hour looking for other people in the village but found no one, it wasn’t a surprise, What was though, was Avarice.

“Why was she spared? It’s killed girls her age before why is she different?” Avarice was on the back of the lady knight’s horse and was playing with her doll, Valery had retrieved it from her bedroom upon request.

“I don’t know Daniel, I saw her room too, her door was untouched it hadn’t even tried to enter.” Valery replied. She had given Avarice some rations to chew on which the girl had devoured surprisingly quickly.

“Halt, I smell iron.” The knights horses all stopped and it was true, Avarice could smell that familiar scent. She held her nose.

“Proceed with caution, it’s never been active during the day but we must remain vigilant.” They resumed pace the smell growing stronger until they rounded a fork in the road. Before them was a near identical sight to Avarice’s village. The ground once again stained red, the only living creatures were curious foxes and birds. Attracted by the smell of blood but confused by the lack meat. However, unlike last time, they saw a figure standing in the square. It was motionless and hard to make out it’s details as it was exuding a blinding white. The knights froze.

“By god, is that it?” The older knight whispered, they waited in tense silence. It didn’t move and gave no indication it would. Suddenly Avarice noticed a chicken wandering near the horses. She loved chickens and wiggled free of her seat on the horse, her legs dangling off the side of the saddle. “Oh no.” she said it’s just like the window, before she fell and felt a sharp stinging sensation in her knee. The noise snapped Valery’s attention to her.

“Avarice no!” She whispered loudly but the thing had already started moving towards them. Valery dismounted immediately scooping up the little girl in her arms. The other knights made a defensive line preparing for the worst.

“Run!” Was all they heard as they both sprinted into the forest lining the village, Valery knew in her heart it was in vain, her fears cemented when she heard her comrades screams. They didn’t make it far before Valery’s hand was ripped from Avarice’s and the little girl was blinded by something. She wiped her eyes seeing that light tearing into what was Valery, all the while she shouted why at it until she couldn’t any longer. Avarice walked closer to it and felt something wrap around her throat, it wasn’t painful.

“Did you care for them?” It asked her in a voice like thunder, Avarice didn’t know what it meant.

“Who?” She asked honestly.

“Who else child?, your parents, village, those knights and this one.” It replied holding up the torn figure of Valery. Avarice thought for a moment, her mother said she cared for her and she would say it, but Avarice also said she cared for other people, people she didn’t know well. They always seemed upset when she’d say that however. Her mother explained only special people could be cared for, but she cared about everyone then.

“You are as I thought, without.” It said, and suddenly the body of Valery disappeared in a bright flash, more blood fell to the ground.

“Farewell, Peccatum.” It’s voice rolled that last word around like the rumble from a rain cloud. And just like it had done to Valery, it vanished, leaving Avarice alone again, and again she wasn’t scared, just hungry.

Commentary: This piece was intended for the week 3 ‘Role of the Reader’ task. My intention with this piece was to present a trope that I personally hate. People with Autism (like me) find it difficult sometimes to grasp the concept of empathy and so I created Avarice, her name literally meaning sin or greed. In my understanding of what I wrote, I made it so the ‘vessel’ didn’t need to kill her because she didn’t care about people in the way people cared about her. The vessel, as I the Author wrote, was intended to be perceived as the desire to hurt people through their bonds with others. There was a reason it would kill one person at a time. An example being Avarice’s mother who is killed and then she can hear her father talking and he is killed shortly after. The Vessel wanted things to see it kill the things they cared about. After killing her parents it didn’t understand why it couldn’t sense fear in Avarice and left her to continue onto the next town. Even when Avarice watched the Vessel kill Valery she doesn’t grasp the situation. Which was supposed to mirror the trope of Autistic children not feeling for the ones they should love. Which is blatantly untrue. I didn’t enjoy and still don’t enjoy the trope so it was interesting to write something I hate seeing in media.

#Blood tw #blood #original writing #my writing #writingblr #this was the second half of my folio also capped at around 1500 words #I also included the commentary because like I said I hate the no empathy trope so wanted to clear that up

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autisticunmasked360 · 5 years

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360 Behind The Scenes: An Autistic Unmasked

Two months ago I received an official diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (amongst a couple of old three-letter friends in the DSM that I’ve known awhile) after summoning the courage to pursue an assessment. Asking anyone to deliberately stick any kind of label on me is not something that I would ordinarily endorse for myself (BUT each to their own) and it was the (unofficial) primary basis on which I was advised against an assessment in the past. I’m also not one to purposefully seek or care for an itemised breakdown of how the majority and ‘normative’ part of the human population would regard and classify my nature and behaviours. I am, however, a scientist who continuously looks to understand herself and the world around her. The truth is that once I suspected I might meet the diagnostic criteria for ASD, it felt somehow dishonest or irresponsible to go along ignoring it and pretending I could just go through life in more or less the same way as anyone else (even though I already had been for over a quarter century). More importantly, it felt more restrictive and discriminatory to myself to continue on assumptions rather than try for a sound answer. One thing I do know for sure is how much my brain loves certainty/clarity (or the closest you can really get)! Thus, I did the activities and questionnaires etc. and there it was: a shiny new acronym for something that has been a part of me from the beginning.

I’d tried to rehearse my reaction the way I always rehearse every little exchange, from important requests like asking someone for help or making an appointment to relatively inconsequential matters such as a simple good morning pleasantry or ordering food in the drive-thru. I just know I can’t always rely on spontaneous verbalisation to come through for me in the moment and that’s my solution. How was I to know it’s common to a recognised ‘disorder’ and not something other people do because they can? In the end it made no difference because he told me sooner than I had anticipated 😅 I nodded, I smiled, I indicated that I understood and was ok, I left... and in probably less than a day, as one might fully expect, my brain took up a doubtful resistance 🤦🏼‍♀️ that familiar narrative that surely had nothing to do with the reality whatsoever, but is simply my mind’s overly rigorous screening system charged with achieving the maximum certainty possible. Despite the assessment being an idea from my own head, it wanted to be REALLY SURE that the outcome was definitively conclusive. After all, if no one else in almost 30 years had ever considered this and one (seemingly highly credible) person had even rejected the notion, then I needed to be EXTRA convinced that it was legitimate. Was I sure in all my responses? Could there have been something relevant that I didn’t mention (in the PAGES of unrequested notes and long-winded explanations I’d provided on the off chance my verbal skills failed me)? What if something unusual happened that day to throw me off and skew a test? 🤔

I persevered through all these (hardly novel) mental gymnastics until I reached a new (though loosely related) line of wondering: how could there be something so ingrained in who I am that has never been truly seen or acknowledged by another human being? Does nobody on this Earth really know who I am? It was this, more than anything, that left me unsettled and distressed by it all. I’d been partially isolated the whole time, but I’d never felt it at all until this point. I’d never felt invisible and I’d never wished to be as so many other kids do for their own various reasons. In fact, the only thing I’d ever clearly longed for in my whole life was one person that would walk through life beside me, with them as they are and I as I am, so that I could share. I’m an older sister and the birth of my sibling was and forever will be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just want one person who can and will meet me where I am and journey onwards together. Suddenly this seemed more exceedingly ambitious than it ever had before. Difficult? Obviously. Monumental? Potentially. Impossible? I don’t know.

It probably seems counterintuitive that a desire for connection was arguably one of my biggest worries around the ASD diagnosis when much of the diagnostic questioning and criteria implies that I’d decline social engagement as much as possible and struggle on occasions where it cannot be avoided. It’s still true that I really don’t feel comfortable mixing in groups or large gatherings of people. I don’t care for small talk in the slightest and genuinely struggle at times to comprehend what actual value it can offer to anyone. At the same time, I have more thoughts and feelings and ideas than I can possibly contain and when I occasionally see something in another person that is recognisable, that resonates with what my soul knows as ‘home’, then my first instinct is to speak every truth in my consciousness and sing every note in my melody until nothing is left unexplored. I don’t want to be lost from the world one day without ever having truly touched anything or anyone and that’s nothing to do with being autistic or otherwise.

To that end, I’ve come up with a personal anti-masking initiative. Masking, as best I can explain it, is where a person makes a sustained, concerted effort to conceal their autistic traits and behaviours to get by in the immediate situation. I realise that this has the potential to make it sound fake and mistrusting, but the vast majority of my masking is not me trying to pass off a different version of myself. It is simply aimed at preventing negative feelings in others for THEIR comfort rather than my own and getting everyone through (because I’m not going to be all that comfortable if I’m excessively filtering myself). I know what it feels like to be upset and whether I know exactly why someone is upset or not, I don’t want it for them if it can be reasonably avoided and there seem to be many occasions where it might be if I didn’t do things as I’d like: if I didn’t sing to myself, if I kept my arms and legs the same way as everyone else in the room, if I didn’t ask all my questions, if I’d put things down when I wasn’t finished and come back later, if I put up with a bit of mess or inaccuracy to get things done faster (man, it pains me just to type that last one 😓). Once it’s seemed to work a few times, you become practiced and it becomes almost automatic. It’s a remarkable survival skill and I’m actually genuinely appreciative that I’m capable of masking and that it has let me attempt to ‘fly under the radar’ amongst my peers growing up so that I had the most opportunity to at least try things any way I wanted. The thing is, masking is incredibly draining. It’s like if an actor didn’t come out of character at the end of the day’s filming. If they failed to come back to themselves when the camera was off, they’d lose track of all their own stuff and likely be rather disoriented when they did eventually return. Not only are you losing touch with the rest of yourself, you’re also prevented from meeting your physical and emotional needs while you’re masked. I learned to ignore so many signs from my body trying to tell me what it needed and I came to honestly believe that I was hard to care for just because no one had worked it out and I couldn’t articulate it either. (No human being is truly hard to care for, it’s only ever a question of whether someone has it in them or not.) At one point years and years ago I gave up completely for a while in the hope that it would somehow force a solution. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. It was a spectacular failure from which I am, at long last, finally moving on.

The point (there is one, I promise) is that I know that masking has left me in serious burnout already in the past and now that I’m more aware, I can learn how to counterbalance by honouring the moments and periods where I am unmasked. To achieve this, I’m tasking myself with posting a picture each day for 360 days of a notable moment where I was not masking. I’m not sure if it will actually make sense to anyone else (I never am), but that’s not the criteria for success of the endeavour ☺️ as long as it helps me keep my heart open to life and all the things and people in it, I’m satisfied 👌🏼🙏🏼 and if my sh*tty executive functioning can get on board enough for me to actually post each day, I’ll be wildly impressed! 👏🏼

Note: I desperately wanted to start this on the 24th or 25th latest, but I was away and distracted for the weekend 😕 so I’m trying to just be pleased my brain got it this far 🤓

#actuallyautistic #unmasked

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