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mst3kproject · 4 years

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Light Blast

What’s this? A death ray movie in which we actually see stuff get death rayed? Aw, man, that might disqualify it for MST3K right there! Fortunately for us, however, Light Blast was directed by Enzo Castellari, who brought us Escape 2000, and it stars Erik Estrada. Estrada was never on MST3K but he was on pretty much all the 70’s cop shows they kept referencing, including Mannix and Police Woman, and Mike and the bots would never have let him forget it.

So what do we want out of a death ray movie? I dunno, some faces melting like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark would be cool, and Light Blast apparently read my mind on that count because we get the first melting face action before the ten minute mark! A couple of young people go to have sex in a boxcar (this scene includes a real classy upskirt shot, just three minutes in) while the bad guy tests his death ray, and in the fine tradition of kids just trying to bone at the beginning of movies, they get zapped. Meanwhile, somewhere else, Erik Estrada in a speedo takes down a couple of bank robbers by hiding a gun inside a roast turkey.

This is gonna be a weird movie, isn’t it?

Sadly, Light Blast never again rises to that height of absurdity. Evil Professor Yuri Svoboda has a death ray, and has decided to hold the city of San Francisco hostage for the princely sum of:

Was that even a lot of money in 1985? According to dollartimes the conversion rate is about 2.5, so that would be $12.5 million today... still seems a little low for a major city. Anyway.

To show he means business, Svoboda death rays the announcer’s box at a demolition derby. Thence ensues a series of extremely uninspired car chases and a scene in which Estrada is repeatedly kicked in the avocados by a woman dressed as a nurse (I liked that bit). Eventually he puts the pieces of the puzzle together, and never even bothers to tell us what the finished picture looks like before running off to what looks like it’ll be the final Power Plant Confrontation. No such luck. Svoboda escapes again, and Estrada has to chase him down to the final final confrontation.

There are two things here Castellari seems to really like. One is digital clocks, which are frequently the focus of the death ray for some reason. The other is men staggering around on fire, filmed in the type of loving slow motion that turns this agonizing death into a moment of over-dramatic hilarity. Remember in the Making Of Documentary for Return of the King, when Peter Jackson acknowledges that Denethor falling off the top of Minas Tirith while on fire is ridiculous? Enzo Castellari is definitely not that self-aware.

He is also fond of car chases. There are three or four of them in Light Blast and they’re competent, I guess. They’re definitely better than the budget version you sometimes see in really cheap movies, in which the camera turns to watch one vehicle pass by, then repeats the shot with another. There was probably a storyboard and so forth. But they’re still pretty monotonous and mostly just look like people driving around with no sense of a destination or a narrative. Instead, the movie tries to add interest by giving them ‘gimmicks’.

In one of the chases, Estrada doesn’t want the villain to know he’s being followed, so rather than using his own vehicle, he just hops into random people’s cars and makes them do the following. In one he shows his badge and tells the driver he’s a cop. In another he tells the woman driving that he’s playing a practical joke on a friend from college. Astonishingly, he never gets slapped or shot.

In another, he steals a race car in order to chase down Svoboda, who is fleeing to a boat from which he plans to death ray the entire city or something. This chase includes two separate shots in which Estrada jumps the race car over some obstacle in his way, again filmed in slow motion. In neither was there any sort of ramp to get the car off the ground. It’s like that scene in Speed where the fucking bus somehow jumps over a gap in the highway except they did it twice and slowly to give the audience time to think about how stupid it is. Then Estrada jumps the car again onto Svoboda’s boat, which has already left the dock, and somehow manages to stop on a dime rather than falling into the water.

I recognize that movies are not bound by the laws of physics, but those that get away with breaking them do so by walking a fine line. Things have to look possible. People running away from explosions looks like it should work, and very few of us have ever been in a position to find out what it’s actually like first-hand (partly because those of us who have probably didn’t live to tell about it). The car jumps? Nah.

Wikipedia includes a couple of reviews of this film that have been translated, not very well, from Italian. They’re kind of hard to understand but they do seem to fixate on the preponderance of car chases. They also reference another staple of 80’s action movies, which is excessive police brutality. Estrada shoots a whole bunch of people, breaks into a power plant and a funeral home, steals cars, causes a dozen accidents and untold property damage, and bullies his girlfriend into risking her job in order to get him the information he needs. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Other clichés drift by. The villain gives a pretty classic monologue all about how he Showed Those Fools At The Academy and how his death ray will make him supreme ruler of the world and he’ll bring about a new age of peace. There’s a bit where Estrada and his partner, the Tall Guy (these characters do have names, I just don’t care) sit down at the kitchen table and put together what they’ve learned… but instead of some exposition to tell us, the audience, what that is, we get a Ryan And Shane Look For Forrest Fenn’s Treasure montage but without the irony. We can just barely hear fragments of voices through this, as the characters talk about it… enough to tease us with what they know and we don’t.

I dunno, it’s possible the audience is supposed to have already figured this stuff out and I just wasn’t paying attention. I was pretty bored during most of this movie.

During the montage, the bad guys sneak up outside Estrada’s house (which is on a boat? I think?) and open fire, basically shooting everybody but Estrada himself, who escapes completely unharmed. His personality-deficient girlfriend isn’t so lucky… but she was only in this movie so it would have a part for Estrada’s real-life girlfriend Peggy Rowe. This bit is right up there with The Phantom Creeps as a perfect example of why Women In Fridges is screenwriting for hacks. Estrada is already determined to get these guys. He already cares about the people they’ve killed in the past and the ones they plan to kill in the future! He is already frustrated by his failures to catch them! ‘Making it personal’ is completely unnecessary! Did the writers really think her death would add anything, or were they just trying to fill up their Action Movie Cliché Bingo card?

In the villain’s evil monologue, Svoboda reveals that apparently Estrada killed his wife? I guess she was the mortician? This doesn’t help, because I don’t think Svoboda actually knows that Estrada’s girlfriend is dead and even if he does, she wasn’t his target. His henchmen were after Estrada and Tall Guy.

Then there’s the ending, which is in no way a ‘climax’ and barely even counts as an ‘end’. Remember I said Estrada jumps his racecar onto Svoboda’s boat? This knocks the death ray over and it melts Svoboda himself. Estrada watches this, then basically just shrugs and walks the fuck away. So… that was it? No confrontation? No fight? Just a failure to properly secure the superweapon?

Isn’t the rest of the boat gonna melt now, too? In previous uses the death ray seemed to melt things over a fairly wide area. Isn’t anyone worried about that? No, we’re just rolling the credits? Okay, fine. At least the movie’s over.

Is there anything nice I can say about Light Blast? Well… I guess it passes the Bechdel Test. There’s a bit, completely irrelevant to the plot, where two women who work at the police station discuss perfume. It’s as if one of the writers had read about the Bechdel Test and shoved that in there just to pass it, without bothering to think about what the point of the ‘test’ is.

For all I’ve bitched about it, Light Blast isn’t a full on disaster. It’s merely a mediocre 80’s action movie. What makes it so damn disappointing is the wackiness of that early scene with Estrada in his underwear and the gun in the turkey. That bit has the same effect as naming your movie Hercules Against the Moon Men – it gives the audience the impression that you have a sense of humour, and then the rest of the film can be nothing but the slow downward spiral of realizing that you were, in fact, serious. Even then, it still could have been fun if the writers and director had kept up that kind of cheese throughout but no… Light Blast couldn’t even be bad enough to be good.

If any of you MSTies reading this are aspiring film-makers, let this be the lesson for you: the introduction of your main character sets the tone. Do that wrong, or in a way that doesn’t match the rest of your movie, and you’re sunk. And if you only have one interesting or funny idea, for love of Apearlo put that at the end of the movie, not the beginning!

#mst3k #reviews #episodes that never were #light blast #women in fridges #80s

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81scorp · 4 years

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Constructive criticism: Fantastic Four

(Originally posted as an editorial on Deviantart Aug 3, 2015. It has not been changed from how I originally wrote it.)

In 1961 Martin Goodman, the editor of Marvel Comics (Which back then was called Atlas Comic.), called writer Stan Lee to tell him that their competition, DC Comics (Which was called National Comics back then.), had created a team of superheroes called the Justice League, and it was a big seller. "I want us to get on the bandwagon too. Cook me up a book which stars a whole team of heroes - and do it yesterday!" So. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created Fantastic Four, Marvel`s first Superhero team which not only sold great, but also introduced the idea of relatable superheroes. Plus: unlike most Superheroes they didn`t have secret identities. In 1986 Constantin Film acquired the film rights to Fantastic Four and a low budget movie was made by producer Roger Corman in 1994... only to never see the light of day. Except in the form of bootlegs. The movie was only made so that the company could keep the movie rights. Probably waiting for a time when special effects had improved so that it wouldn`t look stupid and they could do the source material justice. In 2005 a new Fantastic Four movie was made and unlike the previous one this one was released in the cinema. And it wasn`t that good. The CGI on Reed Richards didn`t look good, Ben Grimm`s rock-body looked very rubbery, Dr Doom`s motivation was copied from Norman Osborn`s from the Spider-man movies and it took the team till the third act to realize that they could use their powers for good. (Yes, there was that scene at the bridge, but after that their biggest priority, which took up an unnecessary large amount of time, was to get rid of their powers.) Unlike Phantom Menace and Transformers, revenge of the fallen I don`t feel that listing a few points is enough, I`d change most of the story. Here`s how it could have been better. At the beginning of the movie the four are already training and preparing for their journey into space. Their backgrounds and relationships to each other is revealed through dialogue and interactions. Reed and Sue has been in a relationship for at least six months and Reed is already kind of a celebrity in this world (kinda like Stephen Hawking) and he`s nicknamed "Mr Fantastic". He sees a science magazine with him on the cover and a headline that says: "Smartest man on earth?" It makes him think that under different circumstances it could have said "Smartest men on earth?" He tells his story to Johnny who has never heard it before. Reed had always been very intelligent for his age, the only one of his age that he felt was his intellectual equal was a guy he met at college: Victor Von Doom."Hold it." Johnny interrupts. "His name was actually `Doom`?" "Well, he was born in a european country, I think it was called Latveria. Maybe it`s a common name there that means something different in their language. Anyway..." He continues his story about how Victor was brilliant but also very hard to work with and eccentric. One day he did an experiment that literally blew up in his face. Reed doesn`t know what happened later. Some said that Doom died others that he was kicked out. Then comes the day. The four go out into space, Reed notices that he has miscalculated, they get bombarded with cosmic radiation and crashland on earth. They discover their powers, John thinks it`s cool, Sue and Reed are cautiously optimistic but they all feel sorry for Ben who got the worst part of the deal. A military team comes to get them, sees Ben, thinks he`s a monster, gets ready shoot him but the rest of four go: "No no! don`t shoot! he`s with us!" Reed is troubled by guilt and the four are driven home in silence. Back at the base the four are quarantined for a few days. Reed examines and tests their powers to make sure their condition doesn`t get any worse, and to see if there is a cure for Ben. Late one night Reed is up working hard, the radio is on in the background. The music is interrupted because of news: there has been an accident somewhere, many are injured. Reed stretches his arm to reach the radio so he can switch to another station because he`s too tired to listen to bad news. But then he stops himself, the reason he got into science is because he wanted to change the world for the better. If he turns the radio off now he`s no better than all those other people who turn a deaf ear to all the bad things in the world. With his powers he could actually do something. So he listens to the news. Somewhere in an Latverian town at night, three activists are running down the streets. They are caught by authorities. Cut to: a cell, the three activists are being interrogated by a man who talks to them in a kind, yet condescending way. They were protesting against their ruler and spreading propaganda against him. The man tells them that they can avoid punishment if they take back what they have said, they refuse. The ruler himself enters, a man in cloak and armor (because of the light and shadows we don`t see his face but from the sound of his voice we can guess that he`s wearing an iron mask). He gives them the chance to apologize to him in person, they still refuse. The ruler charges his glove and fires. Reed has managed to get his friends out for a walk in the nearest city in civilian clothes. Ben is fully clothed with hat, trenchcoat, scarf and everything but still feels like a freak on display. Reed has a special radio that allows him to hear 911-calls. A building is on fire near where they are. The four run to it and use their powers to help people. Ben is at first reluctant to get into the fire because he knows his clothes will burn and people will see his body, but he knows he can`t put that over human lives. The people are saved, the four are heroes, people see Ben`s body. Some react in fear, others don`t care (because he saved their lives), but Ben still doesn`t like being exposed. They get famous, TV wants to interview them, media calls them "The Fantastic Four", they move into the Baxter building, Sue designs their FF costumes Reed makes them out of unstable molecules, Johnny is OK with the media circus, Ben is not. He feels that Reed has been too distracted by the publicity and has abandoned his research. Ben never says it out loud but Sue can see it and talks to Reed who feels guilty and goes back to working on a cure for Ben. Then I figured there could be a montage of FF doing Superheroic stuff and Reed searching for Ben`s cure. Ben does all the Superhero stuff because he knows it`s the right thing to do (the needs of the many and all that), but he gets no joy from it. Near the end of the Montage we can see that the hooded ruler has been following their adventures on the news. After the montage Ben could have mixed feelings about his situation: sure, he`s helping people and making a difference, but he still has his body issues. He goes out late one evening to clear his head and meets Alicia Masters who makes him feel better about himself. That same night Reed has made great progress in his research, he should be able to reverse Ben`s condition within a few days. Things look good for Johnny too, he`s gotten the phone number of a hot girl he likes: Frankie Raye. The next day a ship lands on top of the Baxter building. The ship`s autopilot tells them to come aboard, it`s master has important things that he wishes to discuss with them. The FF suspect a trap but get on the ship which takes them to Latveria. The ship takes them to a castle where they are shown to a dining room and are soon introduced to their host: Dr Doom! Dr Doom removes the lower half of his mask to eat and we can see that at least half of the lower half of his face is scarred. He tells them what happened after the explosion at the university. He was kicked out, wandered the world, learned meditation in tibet, had an epiphany where he realized that he was the right man to rule the whole world, created his armor, returned to his birth country which was in a horrible state, made it better but also turned it into a dictatorship. He and Reed wants the same thing: to make the world a better place, he just thinks that Reed approaches it from the wrong angle: he only treats the symptoms and doesn`t go to the root of the problem. Doom uses his own country and the (real life) benevolent yugoslavian dictator Tito as examples of the positive sides of fascism. Doom wants the FF to assist him in uniting the countries of the world and create a Utopia. FF refuses, Doom locks them up in cells and starts preparing a trip to U.S.A. With them out of the way It`ll be easier for him to take over U.S.A and force his "benevolent" dictatorship on it. Doom: "At first they will resist, but in the long run, they will be grateful." FF breaks out of their cells, gets by the sequrity systems, fight a few guards and fights Doom who turns out to be a Doombot. (F.Y.I: The Doom they talked to in the dining room was the real Doom.) The real Doom is on one of three ships that has just lifted and are headed for U.S.A. The FF manages to get on board, fight a few robot guards, manages to take down the other two ships and fights Doom (for realz this time). The ship gets wrecked and falls. It is headed for a Latverian town but the FF manages to aim it at a nearby lake. The ship sinks, Reed wants to save Doom but can`t find him. FF escapes in an escape pod. Next day they celebrate in the Baxter building. Ben has brought Alicia as his date and Johnny has brought Frankie Raye as his. Reed tells Ben that he should be able to restore his humanity by the end of the week. Ben, who has learned to accept himself, respectfully declines. Reed then proposes to Sue, everybody is happy. Or?... Mid or post-credit scene: A group of Latverian citizens have gathered in a building. Now that Dr Doom has been de-throned they can turn Latveria into a democracy that respects human rights. Things can only get better from here. Cut to: the lake. Dr Doom walks out of the water and onto the shore. He has an apparatus in his armor that allows him to breathe underwater. He is alive and he is pissed. The end Not perfect but it`s the best I could come up with. It doesn`t have to be super faithful to the source material to be good, but the source material was the only better alternative I could think of. Thing: Mocap or practical? I could go either way. A practical suit wouldn`t be bad if it was a good practical suit. (They did it well in The neverending story which came out 1984.) and I wouldn`t mind Mocap if was good and the actor got to interact with the other actors at least half of the time. Characters Johnny should be a little bit smarter and mature than he was in the 2005 movie. He could be an adventure seeker and the funny guy. Ben could be a tragic figure that turns into an everyman who`s a bit of a loveable brawler and the funny guy. Almost like Johnny except he`s older and wiser. Sue could be the diplomat of the FF. When the team starts to fall apart she`s usually the glue that holds them together. She could also be the one who translates Reed`s technobabble to John and Ben (to the best of her abilities). Reed is the egghead of the group, but also leader, idealist and slightly asperger-ish. (Sometimes Sue has to translate subtle hints from others that Reed doesn`t always pick up.) Dr Doom is a megalomaniac who should be based on real life dictators, wants to rule the world and not some CEO who is pissed because Reed and friends messed up his face.

#marvel #movie #fantastic #four #constructive #criticism #editorial #81scorp

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