#they really mostly did copy paste and THEY WANT US TO THINK that they ain't endgame : | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jswdmb1 · 2 years

Text

Unconditional I (Lookout Kid)

“Lookout kid, trust your soul

It ain't hard to rock n' roll”

- Arcade Fire

This probably says a lot about me, but I love a rainy day after a batch of great weather in the middle of the summer. The old adage of too much of a good thing is sometimes very true. While few love the warmth of the sun and a clear blue sky more than I do, such good fortune can bring a lot of pressure. I always feel guilty if I waste a minute of a lovely day inside, which is a precious commodity in Chicago. Those who know me know that I am the first to complain at the hint of winter, so it seems strange, or even ungrateful, to want a break from something so good. But, without a day like today, I might have missed something special while out on the water or walking around soaking up rays.

The day seemed tailor-made for the circumstances. I woke up at my usual hour of 5:00 (never by choice but due to an aging bladder) but quickly returned to bed when I realized the rain was already falling. My wife, the motivator in the family, is out of town, leaving me, two teenagers, and a couple of extremely lazy dogs to determine when this day would start. By 8:30, I knew it was up to me to get the ball rolling. Besides, this was an important day, and I needed to be ready. My favorite DJ on my favorite radio station was coming on at 10:00, and there was no way I was missing his show.

As anyone reading this knows, I am talking about Lin Brehmer and WXRT. Lin recently announced he needed to take a leave from his show to deal with prostate cancer that, as Lin said, "has spread to spaces you would rather it didn't." While I am confident this will not be his last time on the air, I knew today’s program would be special. Lin means a lot to many people, and many fans have rallied behind him over the last couple of days. Lin has supplied a multitude of good karma over the past decades, both on and off the air, and we are ready to give it back tenfold. Today was finally an opportunity for us to repay him for years of joy, happiness, comfort, and wisdom through his setlists and “Lin’s Bin” segments. But, a funny thing happened, and Lin sent all those good vibes right back at us.

The songs he played were varied, but all had one thing in common – they oozed the spirit of rock and roll. Music is a passion of mine, and I love it in many forms, but there is nothing more authentic than the grooves you hear on a station like XRT. Lin’s playlist today may have been the perfect embodiment of that sentiment (I posted a handwritten copy of it on Twitter @jswdmb1 if you want to see it). Each song told a story and inspired in me a deep sense of reflection. Maybe I was reading more into it, given my emotion, but I mostly stared out the window at the rain in deep thought for most of his four-plus-hour shift. It was like he ordered up the rain as a perfect backdrop for the event (he explicitly stated that was not true, but I’m not so sure). I cannot remember the last time I spent so much time so focused and present while ironically getting nothing done that I had planned for the day. But, truth be told, I pretty much knew that this was how it was going to go all along. Maybe I didn’t plan it this way, but I welcomed it as it developed.

It’s probably not in my best interest to publically disclose that I slept in, played hooky, and just sat around all day listening to the radio. Still, I’m not so sure about that. We let too much of our lives become defined by what we think others think we should be, which makes no sense. I think it is fair that most people on any given day are immersed in their own activities and not interested in the details of what I do. The fact that I even have a to-do list bugs the shit out of me. If I really want to do something, I just do it. A list of things not done means that clearly, they did not take enough priority and need to be shelved. Maybe they should never be done. It seems pretty pointless to even talk about it.

However, today, I found an excellent use for that to-do list. I turned it over and started writing out the songs that Lin was playing. The menial and tedious tasks on the other side meant less and less as the hours went on. At a certain point, I was tempted to knock something off the list, and I quickly scotched that when I realized it would completely spoil the day’s intent. It also led me to an important conclusion: why am I filling my day with things I don’t want to do anyway? It seems to be a ridiculous waste of our most precious commodity, which is our time here on this planet. This led to an even deeper reflection about what my path should be going forward.

I love what I now do from the sense of getting to work with great people and that I provide service to those that need it. But being an accountant is as drab and routine as you might imagine when you get down to the real business of the profession. I have been immersed in it for a long time and have recently been thinking about what else might be there for me. What can I do for a second act that follows my passions and dreams and doesn’t put being a provider as the number one attribute for how I spend my time. When I look at what moves me (outside of my family, of course), it is three things: music, writing, and helping others. I know I need to move most of my time into those areas soon. I still need to make some sort of living, so finding a way to monetize these passions is a challenge. But I know for sure that whatever that is, it needs to move toward spending my time fulfilling my dreams.

Please note that I am not announcing my retirement from my firm or leaving that business abruptly. I am way too practical for that, and I would never leave my employees or clients in a lurch like that. But, I have unequivocally concluded that a transition has to begin, no matter how slowly. It starts with a resurgence of my posting on this blog. I know these personal essays are not likely to be the ultimate answer, but they are the spark that lit the fire in the first place and will lead me in the right direction. My lack of recent writing production has proven it to me, and my conclusion from today’s activities solidified that. Again, I have no idea how this will develop at this moment, but I guarantee it will. And not in five or ten years, but now. At this point, I begin the transition, no matter how slowly it develops.

So, a day that started out sleepy and then lazy turned out to be much more, and I have Lin Brehmer to thank for it. I feel a bit guilty for that, given this was supposed to be his day to shine. My guess is that he wasn’t too affected by it. Besides, he was very explicit at the top of the show that anyone who came there to feel anything less than great should leave. Because, as Lin says, it is fucking great to be alive. And, it is even greater to be alive when you know you will start living it the way you want to. The best part of the whole thing is that I know Lin will pummel this cancer and be back soon. That is why I don’t feel a tinge of sadness about his “last” show today. He knew that all along, and I am guessing he knew many people would be doing the same thing I did today. Lin has one more catchphrase: that he is our “best friend in the whole world.” Seems a bit corny but never insincere. I, for one, feel like I got a real boost from a good friend today, just like he always does on his show every other day I have listened to him. I hope someday I can repay the favor in whatever I do in this second act. Until then, good friend, keep rocking and rolling, and we’ll be here waiting for you when you get back.

Note: you can find Lin’s entire playlist here on my Apple Music page: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/thank-you-friend/pl.u-BmZRc1qeMoq

1 note · View note

theangrypokemaniac · 4 years

Text

@nyarthsis

If Team Rocket 'always had a heart for unpopular Pokémon', that's an admission their Alola catches aren't particular loveable creatures, so I'm not thinking anything too controversial.

You're saying they take pity on the animals no one wants, as in it's normal for me not to find them adorable.

Some Pokémon, such as Lucario, become fan favourites without the advertisement of a regular role the anime. With Wobbuffet, Bewear, Stufful, Mareanie and Mimikyu, do people like them for themselves, or because of their association with Team Rocket?

I think its the latter. I can't imagine there would be such interest in them were they to be owned by a Twerp or appear as a one-off. Really then, it's not what or who they are, it's to whom they belong that matters.

Alola has really devalued catching. Rather than be true to the source material, so battering a Pokémon into submission, as Ash did with Bulbasaur, Primeape, Muk, and many others, now you have to ask their permission!

Bewear didn't even get that. She hung around for no reason, and her 'friend' Stufful was belatedly tacked on. I see why those two were left behind, as Team Rocket had no right to take them elsewhere.

In terms of welfare, Mimikyu and Mareanie are better off staying with them, free and safe, rather than locked in the insalubrious depths of H.Q., but then it never bothered the writers sending previous Pokémon into an uncertain future, so what difference does it make now?

It can only be that, like their predecessors, there is no intention to ever bring them back, but unlike the rest, the fans can't even be allowed the vain hope of a return, not with this rather awkward disposal.

It's feasible that Jessie and James could call their base and request old monsters to join them, but it's difficult to imagine they'd fly across the world to Alola, wander through the woods, pick 'em up and go all the way back again. Why make parting so final and irreversible?

It does imply that Game Freak don't like them, so why should I?

I keep noticing this fickle attitude. A new era starts, we're expected to fall instantaneously in love with every element, beg for more and yet more. Then, once the next region arrives, this adoration asked of us is meant to evaporate and immediately transfer to the next batch.

Well why start to like them, if eventually the makers don't care, to the extent you wouldn't even know previous Pokémon had ever been alive?

Have you heard one mention of Seviper, Yanmega, Dustox, Cacnea, Carnivine, and Mime Junior since they left?

Why were they happy to chuck Wobbuffet after Sinnoh, yet fetched for Kalos?

How could Team Rocket live without it for an entire generation but suddenly it's indispensable again? What do you imagine the rest of their Pokémon felt about that?

Have Jessie and James wondered allowed how Arbok, Weezing, Lickitung and Victreebel are doing?

What of the last two generations?

What is this nonsense where every character is so detached from the past?

Supposing I was to force myself to appreciate them: since they've gone, never to return, I'd be dissatisfied with the show, thus no better off than I am now.

My feelings don't run on a switch. I can't find myself besotted one minute then dump the object of affection without a second thought, just because Nintendo want it from me.

Even if I had a more positive opinion of the current interpretation, there's no benefit to becoming involved when it's all so fleeting.

Mareanie is ugly, with three teeth. I think he's a sea anenome, so ought to be more attractive, but it's covered in nipples instead!

It looks like a bonsai tree growing breasts, reminiscent of the hideous content lurking within an Hieronymous Bosch painting.

The idea that all Mimikyu copy Pikachu, the most famous Pokémon, when in their world it's nothing special, is too stupid for me to accept. How could that be coincidence?

It's referencing reality, acknowledging the real world's view of Pikachu as the star, so if it's breaking the fourth wall, it invites disbelief.

Wobbuffet does sod all. It's a complete dead weight and has no attacks. Yet it's the one to survive generation after generation. Where's the logic in that?

I suspect his popularity rests on being there so long he's considered part of the furniture, the sole catch in which you can invest an emotional connection whilst fairly certain he'll remain around.

By now it ought to have developed some semblance of a personality, but it's as faceless as ever. Other Pokémon that have been and gone had a bit more about them, but Wobba's so bland no one can summon the energy to write him out.

If he went, what would you miss? Breaking out of his ball and hissing 'WAAAAAHBUHFEH'? Is that so integral?

I have several objections:

What is it meant to be?

Why does its tail have eyes?

Why is that never mentioned?

Is it a sort of quadruped, or has it only one foot with four toes, arranged like the bottom of a medical walking stick?

A lot of my reactions to Pokémon are influenced by encountering them in the games. With Wobbuffet, I remember first coming across it in the cave near Blackthorn City, and just as you're winning the fight, it pulls out Destiny Bond and suddenly you're both down.

When you finally get one, it's tricky to train. You have no choice but to guess whether the opposition will launch a physical or special move, and mostly you get it wrong. He never learns anything else and doesn't evolve, so it's that forever.

Persevering with Magikarp is worthwhile, but what's to be gained from taking any time out to fight with Wobbuffet?

The anime eliminates this problem. You're aware of the nature of the approaching onslaught because you can see it coming, and the opponent said it aloud.

In this context Wobbuffet should be the most powerful Pokémon in the universe. Come on, it can deflect every attack!

Is it? No. It has a successful defence about once a generation, and still loses the battle. I can't say if it's worse to be utterly pointless, or to not fulfil one's potential.

I resent it muscling in on the motto, as if it's considers itself of equal rank to Meowth. No it's not!

When I was young, there was a tendency for magazines to refer to Team Rocket as a duo. Meowth was judged to be in the same position as Pikachu: a main character yes, and valuable enough to be accorded the privilege of liberty, but still very much owned by people.

You would see references to Jessie and James as his Trainers, though how they assumed this worked went unexplained. Even if shared, one had to have to caught him, thus be his proper owner.

Later on this developed into them being three equal members, and the term 'TRio' emerged, but now, although perhaps not officially recognised, there's an attitude of treating them as a quartet.

It's just wrong! Wobbuffet's not been around since day one. He didn't join Team Rocket voluntarily because he had nowhere else to go. It was a choice made for him by his original Trainer, so out of his hands, or rather his flippers.

If he was an independent Pokémon who just tagged along one day, that would be different, but it belongs to Jessie. Promoting one of hers means James is lesser, and no longer equal.

In each generation Team Rocket catch at least one local Pokémon, but as Wobbuffet's there, it ends up with Jessie having more on her side than James, and I dislike the imbalance. Plus the one he does get is violent.

It can't be solved by giving him another new one, as then he's captured two in the region, and she has only one, so again it's skewed.

Whilst Wobbuffet does count in numbers, he's not on the level of the rest, who fight regularly. He's both there and not simultaneously.

I'm still irked the way Lickitung was ejected to make room.

It was the best Pokémon they ever had! It took out Pikachu, Vulpix and Bulbasaur with one move! It would've won those Princess Dolls for Jessie if the writers hadn't changed the rules so that Lick only affects those of sound mind!

It was as if they realised their mistake too late, and so Lickitung was featured less and less to avoid it dominating a fight, then hurriedly traded away for something reliably feeble.

The following analogy you may not understand, but I think it fits rather aptly:

There's a game called Final Fantasy VIII. One of the side quests involves you racing through a castle under a time limit. If successful, you are rewarded with Odin as a Guardian Force, which is a deity that will provide a defence.

Unlike others, he is out of your control, but every so often, as you enter battle, he turns up and annihilates your opponents. It's very welcome.

Unfortunately this game was programmed by bunyips, who clearly didn't want the last section of the game to be accidently easier for you. Oh no. If you're progressing, it ain't gonna be through luck, or turning the console on and off until he arises.

Therefore, towards the close, you come up against ex-friend Seifer. Odin is fixed to rush to your aid, but when he does, bloody Seifer slices him in half, horse and all!

He killed Odin, the ancient King of the North! The Lord of Valhallah! The Father of the Vikings!

It's not normal fighting death, it's irreversible. He's gone for good.

After this Gilgamesh introduces himself as a replacement. He too will randomly appear and set about the enemy.

The problem is that whilst Odin destroyed monsters unfailingly, with Gilgamesh it's a rarity.

He uses four swords, and which you get is also a lottery.

One is the same as Odin's, two deal average damage, but not death, and the worst one depletes 1 HP, so it might as well not have bothered.

Not only does it arrive but a fraction of the time, but it's in a fraction of those times that it's of any assistance, which is something of a comedown.

Lickitung is Odin: didn't see it often, but it tore the place apart!

Wobbuffet is Gilgamesh: once in a blue moon it provides rescue, but it's on a lot lower percentage than it's predecessor.

It's difficult not to be disappointed.

#team rocket #wobbuffet #mareanie #mimikyu #bewear #stufful

6 notes · View notes

niymoi · 2 years

Text

Hello M A R C H!

Now y’all knowwww this the anthem for March! If you don’t know, you better act like it. I’m playing this song OUT because why not? February was good to me so all I know is, March better dress it up and make it real for me! Ok, that was corny. Anyways.

Midnight Rants

I I don't know what it is about March but it just. gives me the motivation to grind crazy. Go hard or go home type of energy. Best foot forward or don't step at all. Put your all in or none at all! I'm fighting my procrastination and laziness this month. I did pretty good last month and my outcome was amazing. I guess this month gives that feeling because it's the month where it starts getting nice outside. You gotta get your money, mind, skin and everything else right because we back outsideeeee in a couple of weeks lol. Wait, didn't the groundhog come out and predict 6 more weeks? His little ass better stop playing. I'm tired of the cold weather and I'm ready for seasonal depression to melt. Nice weather makes me happy. I love my happy self. I'm ready for what this month has to bring me.

Let’s talk Social Media. I don't know what it is lately but it's starting to aggravate me. It's only Instagram that's aggravating me though and I'm slowly but surely easing away from it. I think it's because Instagram is competitive. Everybody up there acting like they in a life versus battle. Let's see who pay the most for resell sneakers and let's see who get the most views on live. It's weird. Most of them people up there portraying a whole different life other than the one they really living offline! It's sick. You know how many times I say "I know you in real life." a day when l'm watching stories? (Twitter and Tik Tok is more of my speed. Everybody up there are their true selves. If you do some weird shit, they gonna chew your ass up so 9.5/10 people SCARED. I love it on those apps but mostly Tik Tok! Instagram so cap, I hate it. I'm starting to see shit for what it is on there. If I wasn't trying to build a business and YouTube, you would not see me on there!

To piggyback off of that, Social Media is the thief of joy. It's so much to unpack about social media and I want to talk about it day by day. People really compare themselves to people on these apps. Me personally, I don't compare myself to anybody on these apps. You don't really know how a person is living behind closed doors. Someone else story is not the same as yours. Don't compare the progress of your business or anything to anyone else's. Chile, these cars, clothes and other materialistic things can be rented for all we know! A tip that I learned is to clear out your social media from those things. Unfollow those people. I still follow because it doesn't bother me, I don't care what anybody got on. It's all fun and games to me! I just know of people who really put themselves down and compare themselves to people they do not know in real life. Another thing is trying to keep up. I hate that. Live your own life. You're only gonna trip over your own feet. Another thing, don't get upset cause XYZ been in Miami a whole month, XYZ ain't got no health insurance! They teeth caving in chile. Maybe you should unfollow XYZ because they priorities in fucked. Follow more people that's in your lane or a lane you want to be in. It's a lot influencers that's are good to follow because they have informational content and other motivational stuff. I do that because it be helping me. Moral of the story, LOG OFF if social media steals your happiness. Your life online matters.

Y’all….PLEASE excuse any errors in this. I’m so sorry this is short, I had WAAAY more stuff but it deleted! 💔 This is my 3rd time trying to upload a blog on Tumblr. I guess I need a new phone because every time I was almost done it would restart my entire phone. If I use my phone I’ll just type it in my notes first then copy paste. I hope that works but if not, I could use my iPad as well which I’m using now. The first time I did it, my rants were so interesting and long. I was so upset. I really wanted to get this on here the 1st but whatever. I hope you all still enjoy!

It's really Me vs. Me this month. I'm staying prayed up and close to God. My blessings been flowing in. My head been on straight. I'm improving myself. I’m knocking more goals off the list. I already gave myself the pep talk. March Madness for sure.

0 notes

imxenelle · 6 years

Text

Farewell Kim Jonghyun

To be honest, I don't know how to start this blog but I will try my best to make my point clear. And I hope people will take their time to read this. This might be a bit long but please.. Bare with me. Thank you.

I am someone at the age of 19 years old. Eversince I was a child, I had depression. What triggered my depression was watching my family breaking apart and losing a family member because of depression. I was at the age of 4, an age where I shouldn't understand yet what was going on. I should've focused on playing with kids or do stuff like a normal kid should do, but I did not. Instead, I was by my mothers side as I watched her cry every night. I took care of her whenever I could as I wiped away her tears and brought her tissues and a glass of water. I was also always alert when she was about to collapse. I kept her cellphone ready in order to call for help or was ready to run out to our neighbors eventhough it was in the middle of the night. To make it short, I did not acknowledge my depression until I was in elementary. I went to a psychiatrist almost 2 times a week.

Now that I am 19, I've recently realized as to why my depression comes back every now and then. It is not because of my past. I accepted years ago that my family wouldn't be the way it used to be. So I do know that this is not the main reason for my mental issue today.

It was around the first week of September 2017 when I realized, after all these years, that I was the reason behind my depression. I'm the main cause. I am pressured by my own self. I exhaust my own self without noticing it all those years.

After I realized this, the whole reason behind my anxiety and depression, I couldn't stop myself from hurting myself anymore. I was tired of myself once again. On the 23rd September, I tried to overdose myself. 7-8grams, but nothing happened to me, not even after I fell asleep. I got mad. I was annoyed. I couldn't understand why I was still breathing and alive. But I eventually moved on and well, went on with my life.

I'm doing well today.

The point about this blog is, Jonghyun and I have the same reason as to why we're suicidal and have depression. Please, I am not claiming that we have the exact reason nor do I try to claim something else. We are both different people with different feelings and emotions.

I've read an article where Jonghyun's letter was posted and I was extremely shocked hearing about him being depressed about himself. I don't know how to express myself nor do I know if I'm even saying this right. I felt like I understood where he was coming from when he said that people should not judge ones' depression, mostly if you have no clue what he or she is going through. Also when a person was questioning the reason of Jonghyuns' depression. You cannot tell a person what was triggering his mental issues when he himself knew it already.

Having depression myself, I know what a struggle it can be. So I am very thankful to the people who are there for me and never giving up on me. So I hope people out there has at least someone they can trust and depend on whenever they need someone. If you think you don't have anyone, you can always message me. I'm always ready to make friends and be there for someone who needs a shoulder to lean and cry on.

And before I end this blog, I would like to copy paste something I wrote on my IG. I wrote it into 3 parts.

1. "It's all in your mind" "Don't let it go to your head" "Think positive" "Those feelings aren't permanent" "Others have it worse than you"

Please, please stop using those words when someone opens up to you about their problems. About their loud cries in their head. Their silent tears that scream for help. Stop. Please stop promising to a person who has anxiety/depression that you're there for them when you just end up leaving them with their thoughts. With their killing thoughts that no one hears but them. Please stop offer help if you refuse to listen but just put your own words into our mouths. You may reflect upon our situation but please do not talk for us. We may have the same situation but we do not have the same feelings. Please do not compare us with others as we are all different from each other. We do know that people out there may have it worse than us but we do not need it to be rubbed under our noses. We know. Please understand that we are troubling with ourselves. We do not mean to bother others so we keep it to ourselves. But the more we keep it to ourselves, the more people get affected, isn't it? I apologize for that. But please know that I am trying my best to do better, to be okay, to be happy. Please do understand as I try to help myself to be okay because I know no one can help me except myself. But the problem is, I do not know how to help myself anymore. Please do understand that talking may be tiring for us by now as we try to explain over and over again. It's not like we refuse to talk. It's not like that. Please don't force us to talk. It's just really tiring now that we just shut down and stay quiet and just cry. Please understand that anxiety and depression isn't just a feeling of being scared and sadness. It's not. It's something we cannot explain once it hits you. Please do not tell us to think of something positive. It is not like we do not want to. We do try to think positive. But once it hits us, our mind goes blank. It shuts off. Yes, sometimes we do not think but just feel. So please stop saying it is all up in our mind. We do not feel the pain in our mind but in our heart.

2."Try harder" "Your 'trying' isn't enough" "Don't try, do it" "Trying won't hurt"

It ain't easy the way it sound like. Please do not tell us that we should do something in order to make ourselves busy. To make our mind busy. It's because it'll make sound like we aren't trying. But we do. We do know that you mean only good but at the back of our mind it'll still bother us to the point that our mind starts to think "I am trying!" God damn it, we are trying. I am trying. Putting these words into my own mind and mouth is like adding salt to a fresh wound. I take the salt from you and pour it unto my own open flesh so it'll hurt less, but it doesn't. Please do know that we are trying our best to be okay. We try our best to stay happy. Because who doesn't wants happiness in their life? We want it too. We want it to last, even if it would be for a single day. So we try our best to do all the things we love to do, even if it'll takes a risk and a step beyond the line we're scared to cross. Taking the risks in life gave us sometimes the taste of happiness but coming at the end of the day, the same feeling comes back, even if we do not want to welcome it back. It's because IT welcomes us back.

So please, do not tell us to try harder because we do not try. We DO our best.

3. "You're being too dramatic" "Attention seeker" "It'll be okay"

Please stop saying that we're being too dramatic and that we're attention seekers. It hurts. Emotions and feelings aren't something to joke about. Please understand that we rather choose to keep it to ourselves instead of telling it to others. Keep it away even from our friends and loved ones. Sometimes they do not understand us either. Please understand that it hurts the most as we cry in our own 4 walls as we try not to make a sound in order for people not to hear us. It hurts. It hurts when loved ones don't understand. But it hurts the most when they blame themselves because we feel this way. We do not want to blame anyone but ourselves. Our own mind. Please do not talk down on us as you say "it'll be okay". People like I hold unto your words in hope you are saying the truth but cry in pain as these were words were filled with no sincerity but air. We do not blame you for these words that slip from your lips but our idiotic selves for trusting and holding unto something that can't promise us anything. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when you can't see your own tomorrow. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when we've been told this now since years. We are still not okay. Please stop giving us false hope that were meant to be unintentional.

ㅡㅡㅡ

I am done. I'm sorry if this was a long blog but I would like to give my sincerest thank you if you read it till here!

Please message me if you like to talk to me! You can open up to me about anything. I'm happy to make friends! And please remember to spread love. I love you peeps so much! Always take care of yourself! ❤

Lastly, I would like to end this blog with a short message to our Jonghyun.

Dear Jonghyun,

How are you? Are you doing well? I do hope you're well and safe. I believe that you're in a place now where you can rest your tired soul. I would like to thank you for being my very first ultimate bias. Thank you and SHINee for bringing me in into the Kpop world. Thanks to you, I found something I can hold unto whenever I feel down and happy of course. Thank you for being my joy and inspiration and motivation. Thank you for sharing your blessings with us. Your beautiful voice with your sweet and kind heart. Thank you for being you Jonghyun. I am sorry if I'm still crying as I write this but please know that I love you so much and that I miss you. I am sorry if I tried to run away from my own sadness and reality. I tried to run and build a wall from the reality that was right in front of me. I was scared to face it. I couldn't believe it and refused to accept it. It was too painful for me to let you go just yet. But knowing that you're in a safe place now, I try to let go. I'm slowly letting go of you. But it doesn't mean I will forget you. I will never forget you Jonghyun. You will always have a place in my mind and heart. You did well.

Rest in Peace Kim Jonghyun.

#kim jonghyun #kim kibum #choi minho #lee taemin #lee onew #lee jinki #jonghyun #rip jonghyun #shinee jonghyun #kpop #depression #shawol #shinee world #key #kibum #taemin #onew #minho #jinki

4 notes · View notes

fakingitfanfiction · 7 years

Text

Just For Me: Chapter 47

A/N: Some closure for everyone’s favorite (or second favorite) blonde and next chapter: Wedding! (or rehearsal for wedding. Close enough, right?)

Previous Chapters

The knock comes a few years after Theo expected it would (he thought he was safe), and the face on the other side of the door? Yeah, she’s not the one he planned on - he was expecting the FedEx guy and Steve (that’s his name) (Theo knows him well) (Mrs. Theo orders a lot) (like a lot) doesn’t look a thing like Lauren, but it’s not like he knew it was gonna be her when he got to the door.

If he had… well… he wonders, briefly, if it would make him somewhat less of a man if, instead of answering, he ran and hid, like maybe under the bed - he’s assuming that the very very very last place Lauren would want to go is anywhere near his bed - though, if he’s logical about it, he’d be better off choosing a place just a bit higher up.

Cause, you know, tiny Lauren.

Tiny in height only and it takes all of three seconds and one glare and the sight of both her fists clenched at her side for Theo to remember that height ain’t everything.

With her? It ain't anything.

So, he wonders (briefly) if it would make him less of a man and then, even more briefly (cause easy answer) if he cares that it would.

It takes all of two seconds and the sight of both those fists for him to answer.

Oh. Fuck. No.

Which is, ironically, the very first thought that runs through his mind when he opens the door to see her standing there (lie) (the first thought: damn, she’s aged well) (which is fucking ridiculous cause it’s been like a few years, not a decade or some shit, so he’s being totally sexist, but also, she has aged well, as in almost not at all and Theo is suddenly very self-conscious of the grays dotting his head, sorta like Obama halfway through his first term except, you know, not remotely as distinguished.)

So, first thought: hot (basically). Second thought: the aforementioned Oh. Fuck. No. Third thought: I hope she’s not armed.

Fourth thought: Actually, I hope she is, cause it’ll be a quicker death and maybe there’ll be a bit of evidence and my murder - my totally justified murder - won’t go unsolved.

And then comes the fifth thought which, not surprisingly, circles back around to oh and fuck and no before Lauren finally puts him out of his misery, though not in the way he’d have expected.

“Can I come in?”

Um… well…

Theo’s a bit too dumbstruck (and still stuck on vacillating back and forth between hot and that other thing) to really use his words, so he just steps back, making room for her to pass.

He considers not shutting the door, so at least there might be witnesses, but then there might be witnesses and Theo thinks he’d prefer the whole neighborhood remember him as the strapping and studly dad down the block, not the quivering mass of ’I’m sorry’ that he’s sure he’s about to become.

Lauren takes a look around the foyer, her glance lingering just a bit too long on the one painting by the stairs and yeah, Theo knew buying that and hanging it there (her favorite and in the spot she’d always imagined it going, someday) was probably not his best choice but, in his defense, he didn’t think she’d ever actually see it. Hell, he’s still not sure she actually is.

He was out by the pool. And the deck was wet and slippery. And he totally could’ve slipped and fell, banging his head and, right now, he’s slowly drowning and all of this is a weird death-lusion and soon he’ll wake up somewhere very warm and perfectly deserved.

He’s not sure that wouldn’t be better.

“I’d guess you weren’t really expecting me,” Lauren says and, try as he might, Theo can’t find even a hint of snark in her voice - she sounds almost plaintive - and that’s actually worrisome, and so not her.

Not that he knows what's not her anymore. He hasn’t in a while. Like five years kind of a while and it’s so fucking odd how it feels like just yesterday.

He can only hope it doesn’t feel that way for her cause, you know, fresh pain and all.

Theo shrugs, which seems to be about the best he can manage. He wasn’t expecting her. He wasn’t (as noted) expecting anyone except, maybe, Steve. He thought that knock knock knock might have been a(nother) delivery. Maybe some (more) clothes or, perhaps, that blender she’s been raving about (and yes, ’she’ is how he thinks of his wife right now, like he can’t remember her name.) Or maybe it was some more of those toys she’s been ordering.

And, it should also be noted, that by ‘toys’, he means toys. Like for a kid. Not, you know… toys.

She (Lisa) (her name is Lisa) doesn’t order those and no, that’s totally not one of the things he’s missed over the years. (Lie) (again.) Not that, you know, Lauren ever ordered toys. She would just borrow them from Reagan and yes, that is as extra dirty as it sounds but now, with all of that hindsight that comes with age and time and living with a wife (Lisa) (for fuck’s sake) whose idea of kinky is doing it with the lights on, Theo’s come to think of a little bit of… dirt… as a good thing.

It’s just a thing he tries not to think about too often and, by 'too often’, he means like at all, cause there are some things better off left in the past. Choices and memories and choices and people and did he mention choices cause he should have, especially since he knows that he’s the one who made all of those and he’s OK with that, really he is.

As long as he doesn’t think about it too much.

Which, you know, is usually kinda easy. But then, usually, one of those choices - the only one that fucking matters - isn’t staring at him like she’s trying to see right into his soul and OK, he’s probably exaggerating that a bit.

A tiny bit.

“I didn’t think… I never planned…” Lauren shakes her head and turns away, her eyes finding that painting again. “Is that the original?” she asks and he nods. “Thought so. The colors are brighter than the one… we had.”

We. They. Had, as in together, as in their home, as in the place that was theirs. So, you know, that one.

It hung in their hall. Upstairs. On the way from the half bath to the master bedroom and Lauren always swore that when (never if) she found the original - and not some very good but not quite right copy - she’d hang it right downstairs, right by the door.

“Where everyone can see it,” she said.

Theo tries not to think about what she did with it - that very good but not quite right, all kinds of wrong, in fact, copy - on her way out that last day. It’s best, he’s come to think, not to dwell on the flames (and yes, that's literal) (as in up in them) (as in right out on the front fucking yard.) In fact, he tries not to think of that day much at all.

And yes, tries is the operative word.

“It looks good,” she says, somehow without a hint of bitterness or anger and oh, this is so going to end badly, isn’t it? “So do you,” she lies, but he still feels a swell of pride and yeah, he sucks in his gut (a four pack now instead of his usual six) just a little bit. “I’m sorry,” Lauren says - and isn’t that supposed to be his line? - it all suddenly clicking with her just how ridiculously awkward and weird and insane it is for them to be standing here like this. “This is… I don’t know why… I should go.”

She probably should cause, well, this is weird to the weirdest, but she doesn’t move and Theo doesn’t either, but he does finally find his voice, so that’s a step.

“Want a drink?”

For a second (the second longest second of his life), he thinks she’s gonna say no, but then she nods, quickly, and follows him into the kitchen. He gets to fishing for beer in the fridge - it’s way in the back cause Lisa doesn’t drink - and Lauren just stands there, awkwardly, leaning against the island, her hands resting on top of it and then down at her sides and then back on top again and Theo thinks he should be relieved that she is, apparently, as nervous as he is.

Somehow, it’s less than reassuring.

Even less reassuring is the way she downs the beer he hands her in one fell swoop (all that’s missing is her sister and Reagan - mostly Reagan - chanting 'chug, chug chug’) and lets out a long breath when she’s done.

He thinks about offering her another one. But not very hard. He remembers drunk Lauren - the angry version, not the horny one (not that either would be good right now) - just a bit too well.

“He loves me,” she says and talk about your non sequiturs and your out of nowheres and your 'I seriously thought they’d have had this all settled by nows’. “Glenn,” she adds, as if Theo didn't know. “He loves me and I…” She shakes her head and taps her fingers against the side of the bottle, hunting for the words. “And I blame you,” she finally says and, well…

Talk about your 'what the fucks’.

And your 'not surprising at alls’.

Theo’s pretty sure she’s not saying that she blames him for Glenn loving her, cause, well, if that’s anyone's fault, it’s totally hers. And, you know, Glenn’s. And definitely not his. Not at

all.

How could it be? It’s not like he did anything to push them together. Or to make it so that a 'them’ is even a possibility. Or expect that anything would happen after the divorce.

I think we both know the last thing Lauren’s going to be is alone.

OK, so maybe it’s a little bit on him, but Glenn was already in love with her and it isn’t like Theo told him he should be or that he was OK with it or gave him permission or some shit like that.

Not really. Not in those words. And he certainly didn't hope they’d find their way to each other cause he didn’t want Lauren to be alone for the rest of her life just because he'd… changed.

His mind.

He’d changed his mind and yeah, it sucked and yeah, it hurt her and yeah, the whole catch me cheating cause it will hurt less plan was somewhat… ill-advised (to put it mildly) but he meant well and yes, he knows all about the road to hell and exactly what it’s paved with.

Stones. A whole fucking bunch of them and every single one reads 'he meant well’ but, in the end, it worked out, right? For all of them?

Right?

Stupid fucking question, Theo, cause if it all worked out for all of them, would Lauren be here, in your kitchen, drinking your beer, and staring at you like she’s not sure if she wishes you dead or naked?

(Oh, and cut the wishful thinking cause, really, it’s more like 'dead’ or 'slightly less than dead but, at least, in massive amounts of pain and, if there’s any naked involved, it’s just so she can get a better shot when she kicks you in the balls.’)

(Just so we're clear.)

“He’s waiting for me,” Lauren says, snapping Theo back to now - and out of the dead and just a bit less than dead and absolutely not naked - and then she pauses, her fingers slowing against the glass of the bottle. “No… he’s not waiting,” she says. “He’s been waiting for me. And he’s waited. And waited.”

Theo knows. Oh, how he knows. He wonders if Lauren even realizes just how long Glenn’s waited.

Did she see it, he wonders. When she was still… his (and don’t get started on any of that love isn’t ownership bullshit cause you know what the fuck he means) did she notice Glenn, lingering in the background (copyright K. Ashcroft.) Theo likes to think that their marriage and her love for him was enough to blind her. He likes to think that, back then, both Lauren’s heart and her mind were so otherwise occupied that Glenn was never anything more than Reagan’s bro, a guy she knew - tangentially, sorta, a family member with a dashed line on the tree - and that even when, eventually, he was more than that, when he became her friend and her confidant and they had to work together, spending hour upon hour upon weeks in such close quarters…

Oh, who is he kidding?

He likes to think Lauren didn’t realize Glenn was falling and then had fallen and then was so hopelessly in that it was impossible not to see it, and that she never thought - not once - that maybe she had some of those same feelings. He likes to think that, he fucking loves to.

But, he doesn’t. Cause if there’s one thing Theo’s not?

It’s stupid.

Or blind. Or deaf. Or so oblivious he could give high school Karma a run for her money.

So, you know four things. All of which his not being means he knows all too well that Lauren’s been aware, right from the start.

“I don’t know if I’d call it waiting,” he says, so very casually ignoring the whole blaming him bit, cause he’s sure they’ll get back to it (he’s not wrong.) “It’s not like Glenn always expected we would go belly up if he just waited long enough.”

Sometimes - most times - when he thinks back on it, Theo wishes it had been something like that. It might make him feel a little bit better about all of it, like maybe he was less to blame.

And sometimes? Like all the times?

He knows that’s utter bullshit. He's completely to blame.

“I know that,” Lauren says. There’s just a hint (like the tiniest one) of 'duh’, of 'no shit’, of 'of course he wasn’t cause he’s not an asshole’ running under her words. Or maybe that’s just Theo’s imagination. “Glenn’s not that kind of man.”

Yeah. Not his imagination.

You might think that years of practice in dealing with every conceivable variation of the Lauren Cooper 'just about to be pissed’ formula might have taught Theo something about changing the equation. And you’d be right. Totally. There was a time, in fact, when no one could defuse an L.C. Anger Bomb (patent pending) like Theo could. Not Amy (cause she was, more often than not, the cause) and not Reagan (cause she was, more often than not, too amused by it) and not even Bruce (cause he was, or pretended he was, totally oblivious in that way that only someone who’s so used to it that they’re immune - or Karma - could be.)

But that time was then and this is now and, even if he wanted to, Theo’s not sure he’s still got the skills. Plus, there’s that want to. Or, in his case, a lack of it. Call him masochistic or guilty or just plain fucking dumb, but Theo kinda thinks that maybe he’s got a detonation coming.

Again, he’s not wrong.

So, he does nothing and just lets her talk which, now that the seal’s been broken, is surprisingly easy.

“Right now,” Lauren says, “he’s the kind of man who, even though I’ve been an utter fucking bitch, is still waiting for me.” She stares down at the bottle in her hand and there’s a moment when Theo thinks maybe he should have given more consideration to defusing her.

You know, since she's armed.

“He’s sitting in a hotel, probably at the bar,” she says and no, she’s totally not imagining him bellied up to the bar, his usual Jack and Coke in one hand and his cell in the other, wait wait waiting on her call. “Just waiting for me.” Lauren thinks about what she said and laughs, a short 'I’m so stupid’ snort of a thing. “Not like that,” she adds though, Lord knows, if he was waiting like that, it wouldn’t be the first time. “I’m supposed to meet him, so we can go over

last minute details for the rehearsal dinner,” she says. Last minute details that were worked

out so not last minute, but Glenn humors her and he’ll double and thruple check everything

with her. “Tomorrow is my sister’s wedding.”

Theo hears the words - 'my sister’s wedding’ - and his brain hiccups just a bit. Nope, that doesn’t bring back any memories. Not at all.

Tyson: “This is my sister’s wedding, we’re talking about. If it’s not beyond perfect, I will kill someone. All the someones. Every one of you someones. This is Lauren’s day and she’s

only having the one and so it needs to be perfect.”

Holyfield: “What she said. Except replace sister with best friend and kill with… maim, I guess. But all the rest? What she said.”

For three weeks after the broke up, Theo flinched every time he heard a woman’s voice or steps behind him or saw a swish of blonde hair swirling in the distance; he was so convinced he’d end up just like Liam.

Party Liam. Punched in the face and unconscious on the ground and everyone laughing at his humiliation Liam. Not, you know, dead Liam.

“Amy and Reagan?” Theo asks, going all innocent, pretending like he hadn’t seen the full-page wedding announcement Farrah put in the paper. Or the one she posted on her website. Or on Facebook. Or on Twitter. Or the YouTube vlog she did for the station or the other YouTube vlog she did just for her. “About time,” he says when Lauren nods. He says it with a laugh which he immediately reconsiders. “I mean, it’s -”

“About time,” Lauren cuts in and they both laugh and it’s the closest either of them have come to actually breathing since she knocked on the door. It’s a nice moment, the kind they haven’t had in years and that includes the one before the divorce, the entire three-sixty-five when Lauren felt like he was slipping away from her and Theo knew she felt it.

And knew, even then, that he actually was.

But the harder she fought to hold on, the more he squirmed and fussed and worked his way loose. It was his choice and he made it and every time - every single time - he sees his son, Theo knows it was the right choice. But still…

Oh, it’s that 'still’ that gets him, every time, and it’s that 'still’ that makes him think that maybe, just maybe, this is his chance, his opportunity, his one shining moment that the universe has decided to hand him and so, as he does, he takes it.

“I’ve missed you.”

Theo squeezes his eyes shut (the way he should have done with his lips) even before the words are out and oh, if he was thinking that was the universe’s silver platter, the look on her face says it was more likely a fuse for that KABOOM he was so sure he deserved and now he’s gone and lit the damn thing and it’s burning.

Burning fast.

He’s hit a nerve and that’s what she does. But now, seeing as how there’s no un-lighting that fuse or un-hitting that nerve, Theo doesn’t see much sense in quitting while he’s ahead even

if, probably, he ought to reassess his definition of 'ahead’.

“Most of the time,” he says, not even bothering to acknowledge that they’re so not talking about Glenn anymore or the look on Lauren’s face or the fact that all of this might have been so better said five fucking years ago. “I do a pretty good job of not thinking about it.”

And yes, by 'it’, he 100% (or, you know, 1,000,000,000,000%) means ’her’. He does a pretty good job of not thinking about her. There are times, he’ll admit, when that’s just a little easier than others. Times just like earlier this afternoon, out in the backyard, watching his boy hit a

tiny ball off a tiny tee (or, you know try to, cause he’s only two and not a prodigy. Yet.) Times just like last night, when he and Lisa and Anthony snuggle on the couch, like an actual family, watching some animated movie about talking animals Theo doesn’t even understand, but he does understand the sound of his son’s laughter and, really, that’s all he needs to get.

Those are the times. But then… well… then there’s the other times.

Times like when Lauren’s candidate won the election and there she was, in the background of every fucking picture in the news. Times like when he passes that coffee shop, the one on the corner of Dolls and Holliday, the only place in all of Austin that made those miniature chocolate stuffed croissants she loved so much but refused to eat when anyone was looking.

Anyone except him.

Or, times like those nights when the wife’s not feeling kinky and so the lights stay off and it’s so damn easy for him to get lost in the dark, in the idea (the memory) that she’s considerably tinier and a whole lot blonder and not whispering sweet nothings in his ear about putting another baby in her belly.

“But then,’ Theo says (and no, he's not looking at her cause, well, he doesn’t want to die just yet), "I see something or I hear something or I just find myself with five seconds of peace and there’s no one else around and then…”

And then, she's all he can think about. And that day, whichever day it might be, is pretty much just fucking shot cause once he slips down into that hole, there’s no digging out. He lets those words hang there (the trail off strikes again) and yeah, he knows exactly what he’s doing.

He's waiting.

Maybe, he thinks (dreams) (fantasizes) (wishes but not really) Lauren’ll say something like 'me too.’ Or 'I know what you mean.’ Or 'and then you start up with the thinking about me and, you know what? Somewhere, out there, I'm thinking about you and why, exactly are we doing all this thinking and not doing any… doing?’

Maybe.

Or, you know… maybe not. Maybe not at all. Cause maybe, right now, even though Theo’s waiting? He’s realizing one simple truth he should have already known.

Maybe (not maybe) he waited just a little too long. Like five years too long. Or, really, six years, counting that one when he was trying to figure everything out and while he was figuring, he was also shutting - as in her, as in out - and no, he doesn’t need to see the look on her face to know that, he doesn’t need to see the… something… in her eyes to feel that last final nail just getting hammered home in that coffin that he stuffed their marriage (them) into.

Except… well… come to think of it - and, honestly, it’s about the last thing he ever thought he’d come to think of - maybe he does. Maybe, if he wants to be a family and not just ’like an actual family’, this is what he needs. His counselor - who was, at one point, their counselor, a tiny fact Theo knew Lauren had never shared with Amy or with Reagan or with anyone except, he’s sure, Glenn - would call it closure.

Theo doesn’t really need a word for it. No fancy name or psychobabble term. That’s just a bit too concrete, too much of a thing, too definite. It’s more of a feeling, really, more like a release, like someone tripped a pressure valve in his chest, five years worth of breaths he never took all just slipping away.

It should leave him feeling empty. He thinks it should. He's sure of it.

Except… again… he's wrong cause, in his entire life, Theo can’t ever remember feeling this full.

He gets it now. He gets what he’s needed all this time. And what she needs that brought her to his doorstep after all these years. He walks to the end of the island, mildly surprised that Lauren isn’t squirrelling away from him, and takes her hand. “Come with me?”

It’s a question, not a demand and maybe that’s why Lauren does, letting him lead her out of the kitchen and up the stairs and he feels her tense as they pass his door - it’s not the same door or the same room or the same house, but some shit just never leaves - but then she stills again as they move right on by, down the hall, to the last door on the right.

Theo cracks the door, just a little. Just enough. He steps back and lets Lauren see, watching as her eyes adjust to the darkened room and her hand finds its way to her mouth to stifle the lightest of gasps that slips from her lips.

“His name’s Anthony,” Theo says. “We named him after my dad. He’s two.”

She’s doing the math in her head - Theo can almost see the numbers rolling around - and it doesn’t take her long to connect the dots that, no, he’s not from… you know… then.

“I met his mother about a year after we…” Theo shakes his head, not quite able to say the ’d’ word, not even now, no matter how full he might be. “She’s a cardiac care nurse and both her parents are dead and…” He shakes his head again, wondering what part of him thought telling her about her was even sort of a good idea. “I work from home most days,” he says, “so I can spend as much time with him as I can.”

Lauren leans against the door, blinking her eyes against the dark (yup) (the dark) (that's totes why she’s blinking.) “He looks just like you,” she says and oh, that’s what does it, finally, that’s what slaps her right across the face and shakes her in her shoes, practically fucking screaming at her.

This… he… is why.

The one thing she couldn’t give him. The one thing that Theo swore up and down he didn’t need, the very thing he promised her didn't matter.

Until he changed his mind.

Any wonder she blames him?

“You tell them all it’s about the cheating, don’t you?” he asks and God, she’s never heard his voice so soft, so quiet, a level of a whisper that only a father could manage. “That’s why you haven’t been with anyone else, why you’ve never remarried. Why you make Glenn wait.”

She flinches slightly, her hand on the door - not so much that anyone else might even notice, but he’s not anyone - and he knows she wants to argue, to point out that she doesn't make him wait and if he chooses to wait, well, that’s not on her. She’s not responsible.

And maybe if she just believed that.

“It’s the simple explanation,” Theo says, “I know. That’s why I did it. Because it was easier and cleaner and yes, dumber.” He beats her to it, calls himself out for his own stupidity, regardless of how well-intentioned it was. “And you can use it, remind them all how you found me, in your bed, with another woman and it all makes sense and it gives you the best reason ever not to…”

Not to love.

He can't say it and, really, neither can she but the problem isn’t so much that she can't say it. It’s that she can't feel it. And not 'can’t’ like she’s unable, or 'can’t’ like he killed it in her, so she can never love another man.

Can’t like won’t, like not again, like… like she knows, the logic of it is so right there, so obvious, and her brain is well fucking aware that she loves Glenn - loves him like she’s never loved any other - but there’s always that fucking can’t.

It’s like a wall.

No… not a wall. A wall you can climb, a wall you can go around, a wall can have a door and a wall can have a way through. It’s not a wall, it’s a hole and Lauren’s been falling down it for five fucking years and Goddammit, it’s just bottomless.

But fuck all, she wants to climb.

“I want him,” Lauren whispers. “I don’t want to make him wait and I want…” Her gaze rolls over Anthony, this tiny little man, a perfect little bit of what she just can’t ever have. “I want it all,” she says, “and I want it with Glenn and he says he’s fine with it and he swears it doesn’t matter, and I want to believe him.”

Almost as much as she wants to love him. But the two kind of go together and it’s like the one’s a cork, stuck in the end of the bottle and no matter how hard she pulls, no matter how much she fights, she can’t ever get it loose.

“He promises,” she says. “When he thinks I’m not listening, when I can’t hear, when I’m in his arms in the middle of the night, he promises me that we can have it all.” She turns, and she’s not even pretending not to cry anymore. “But so did you.”

Yeah. He did.

And if there’s anything Theo regrets even close to as much as how it ended? It's that.

It’s how it began.

“I was sixteen,” he says, and even to his ears that sounds like some weak fucking sauce of an excuse. “Sixteen and in love. And then I was eighteen and in love and then twenty and in love and… and you had it all figured out,” he says, leaning against the wall. “Adoption had been the reality for you since you were twelve. You knew from fifteen that a surrogate was out, that you couldn’t handle a baby that was half your husbands and none of yours.”

Fourteen. She knew at fourteen.

But that’s kinda not the point.

“I thought it didn’t matter,” Theo says and it wasn’t just that he thought it. It didn’t matter, not to sixteen or eighteen or twenty year old him. And even the… next… him, the one who made all those well-intentioned stupid choices, even he didn't want it to matter.

But want isn’t the same as does. And in the end, it did matter, it does. All the proof either of them might need is sleeping right behind that door.

“I didn’t want it to matter and I honestly believed that it didn’t” he says. They’re words he’s only ever said in his own head, only to himself. And, you know, to Glenn, on that one day, so many years ago. “Right up until the moment when I realized that it did. And by then…”

It was too late. There was a finger and a ring on it and a house and a home and… fuck all… he loved her. So much. So very very much.

So very very very close to enough.

“I didn’t know how to tell you,” Theo says and his hand is on her cheek and he’s got no idea how that happened. “I didn’t know how to break your heart without breaking you, without making you feel like you would always be something less. Because you were never… are never… that.”

“So, cheating on me with some whore you barely knew was your way of not making me feel less?”

And there’s that fuse. Again.

“It was stupid,” he says (yeah, it was.) “It was a plan, not a good plan, more like a dumb plan, such a ridiculous plan.” He tries smiling, making light, tweaking the moment just a bit, enough that it’s not a moment. “It was like Karma and Amy faking it level dumb,” he says, “I get that.”

But it made sense at the time. Cheating, she could accept. Hell… cheating she would expect, it would just be her father and every woman between her mother and Farrah all over again. If he’d done that - if he was that - then it was on him, it was about him.

And not about her.

“It was a no win,” he says. “No matter what I did, you’d hurt. And I hope you know that I never wanted that, that it killed me to give you even one moment of pain.”

Lauren says nothing cause, really, what is there for her to say? Yeah, she knows that - she knew that, even then - and that was what made it all so fucking hard to deal with, to accept.

Even after she found out the truth.

“You knew he’d tell me,” she says softly, even though she wants to scream at him, wants to ball up her tiny fists and pound on his chest until his heart shatters the way hers did. “When Glenn confronted you, when he figured it all out, you knew he wouldn’t keep it a secret and you still told him.”

Of course Glenn wouldn’t. He couldn’t. Just imagine if she had finally given in, if she’d stopped making him wait and just been with him, instead of just 'being’ with him, and then she found out that he knew the truth and never told her.

She’d have killed him.

If, you know, the guilt hadn’t done it first.

“Is that why you did it?” she asks him and Theo doesn’t understand the question. “Is that why you told him, so I’d find out, so I’d know what a bunch of noble sacrificing, I love you so much

that I’ll rip your heart out this way instead of that way bullshit you’d been up to?”

Is it?

Theo would like to say no. But he doesn’t want to lie. And saying that wasn’t a part of it would be nothing but a lie.

“Or did you have buyer’s remorse?” Lauren asks. She moves a step back, gently shutting the door to Anthony’s room and oh, that’s probably not a good sign. “You have an epiphany about how good you had it and how bad you fucked it all up?” (Again, truth in part.) “Did you go and figure that, maybe, if I knew the truth, I’d come back? If, maybe, I knew that you weren’t really

a cheating asshole, I’d crawl on back? Maybe I’d even beg you to forgive me, maybe I’d plead with you to take back your something… less than a woman?”

Did modern medicine finally turn you into a real girl? Or are you still the same fucked up science project you’ve always been?

What was that about some shit that never leaves?

“Or, maybe,” Lauren says, “it was your fucking ego. Maybe, you just couldn’t live with the idea of me thinking that way about you. Lumping you in with my dad and Liam, one more dick who thought with his dick.” She presses one hand against the door, steadying herself and doing her best (not nearly good enough) not to think about what (who) is right on the other side cause that is just one bridge too fucking far.

There are, in truth, about a million things Theo could say. He’s had years, after all. Years to think of excuses, of rationales for everything he did, everything he said. But even back then, even when he’d fessed up to Glenn and thought for sure she’d be busting down his door at any moment, he’s never really settled on any one of them, he’s never known - not for sure - what he would say to her, in this moment.

Oh, he’s always known it would come, always expected that he’d bump into her on the street, stumble across her in the grocery store or sitting in some coffee shop, always when he’d least expect it (and, at least, he got that part right) but he knew he’d never be prepared. He would never know what to say. And now, standing right here, staring at her, he knows what he only suspected for all those years.

It doesn’t matter.

“I did it,” he says, and they’re wrong about confession and the soul. “I lied. I cheated. I broke your heart and I was a lousy fucking excuse for a husband for far longer than you should have put up with.” If he’s thinking he’s gonna win points for honesty, he’s mistaken. “And I changed my mind. The one promise I always should’ve kept, is the one I broke the worst.”

It wasn’t the words. It wasn’t telling her that no, he didn’t care about kids, it wasn’t some vow he made in front of God and her sister and all the rest of them. It was never that.

It was ten years ago, a night spent outside her room. She wouldn’t let him in, but he wouldn't leave. And that? That was the moment, that was the promise.

He fucking waited.

It hits her then, like that wall it isn’t, like a fucking tidal wave of everything, crashing down onto her and Lauren gets it. He made the same promise, the same one Glenn has made night after night after 'night together’ and 'day apart’ for the last four fucking years. And she believed him, but she can’t (won’t) believe him, cause, what’s that saying?

Once bitten, twice no fucking chance I’m letting it happen again.

(Or, you know, something like that.)

“He’s not me,” Theo says and oh, how she hates that he can still see right through her. It’s not fucking fair, not even a little. “Glenn,” he says. “isn’t me. He’s not a sixteen year old dumbass who didn’t care what intersex meant because whatever else it meant, it meant you.” It sounds bad, makes him sound so stupid but, back then, it was just that simple. “And he’s certainly not an eighteen year old idiot who can’t stop thinking that the 'long’ part of 'long distance’ is what’s gonna be the death of him and, maybe, the best way around that is a ring and a promise that’s even longer. So much longer than he can even see, let alone think.”

There’s a part of Lauren - a smallish one - that wants to yell at him (more) and swear at him (a lot) and punch him (hard) and tell him that she knows (so fucking well) that Glenn’s not him.

Except, apparently, that wouldn’t be entirely the truth, now would it?

“You know why Glenn and I got to be such good friends?” Theo asks and Lauren shakes her head. She’d always assumed it had something to do with being the only two straight guys in their little crew. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” he says. “From day one, the first moment I met him, the second I saw how he looked at you… I knew. I knew that man loved you the way I wanted to,”

So… not the whole straight guy thing. Gotcha.

“Some people, Lauren, they just come into your life, you know?” Theo drops his head, trying his best (and his isn’t nearly good enough either) to hide the tears he can’t blink away. “They show up and you never see them coming but then… there they are. And once they are, well, you can’t understand how you ever lived without them.”

Yeah. Lauren knows about them. She’s got a few. Amy. Reagan. Farrah.

And Lucy and Shane and (God help her) Karma and even, kinda, Jack and, once upon a time, Martin and Liam (ugh) and…

Them.

Her men. Her boys. The loves of her life. And, yeah, that’s fucking plural.

“But sometimes,” Theo says, “they’re not there for… always, you know? It’s a moment, a thing you need right then. And maybe that then, maybe it lasts a while. Maybe it’s a few months or maybe it’s two years.”

Maybe that then gives you something you need, something that carries you through, maybe it’s even a happiness you’ve never known. But then… maybe it ends. And maybe that end…

No. Not maybe. It does. It hurts.

And maybe that lasts a while too.

Theo reaches out, taking her hand and looking at her, right at her, and it’s like it’s some kind of magic. The gray’s all gone, the four pack’s a sixer again, the ring on his finger is her’s and not her’s and he’s there again, right outside her door instead of his. Like he never left.

But he did.

“And when it ends,” he says - and it's him again, the other him, the one that belongs to that life behind the door - “when it really ends? Maybe it’s because it’s time. Because you don’t need that anymore. Maybe because you’ve found something that’s … not better… something that’s right, something that’s a fit, something that’s just for you. And maybe it takes a while, maybe it takes forever to get there.”

He leans over, pressing one chaste kiss to her cheek.

“But, maybe,” he whispers against her skin. “You’ve waited long enough.”

#faking it #faking it fanfiction #cooperfeld friendship #reamy #update #lauren #submission #just for me #secretmonkey

12 notes · View notes