#this is kinda vent-ish but it's just something I've been dealing with for a really long time

[lilywhisperer]

So fucking pissed at people who say that hyperspecific labels “make the queer community look bad” or “is just pure attention seeking”, NO MF I JUST LIKE HAVING A NAME FOR THINGS I FEEL.

Like, my situation with gender is so fucking complicated that having a person coin something such as “dazegender” was so good to me, and I still have a complicated relationship with gender !! I’m so glad for whoever coined the term “Omnisexual/romantic” because it would've been a living nightmare to do mental gymnastics to feel like I fitted pan or bi.

“But those are spectrums” do people treat them as such ? Do they really ? Plus it's just difficult to my head to grasp the concept of “spectrum” it either is or is not, that's how my brain works personally. (My brain needs to be able to name things, basically. And also to know exactly what to do, if we're talking about chores, per say).

In today's generation so many people (me included) just find it SO HARD to put their feelings into words that it is genuinely a blessing to have labels that can label what we feel so precisely (to us, at least), “but you're overcomplicating something that should be simple” feelings are so far from being simple, honestly, and what is simple to you may not be to me, and that's okay, just don't call me attention seeking or whatever.

Also, also !! Hyperspecific labels/flags just make me (at least) feel more validated, since it makes it clear to me that I'm not alone in the way I feel and it kinda validates me (in a good way) :] And it's the Queer Community after all, so I think it's past the time we start actually acting like that.

#★﹐echos lost into the vastness of space #tldr ; just let people do whatever they want as long as they aren't creating labels such as “MAP” or “animesexual” istg #this post was brought to you by #A Random Video I Saw Talking About How Cupiosexual People Are Not Valid ! #not going to tag this because i just won't. know. how to deal with people wanting to fight #i will hear your arguments against this tho #(if you have any) #doesn't mean i will agree #but that's ok. you don't have to agree with me either ! just. be kind. please. #this is kinda vent-ish but it's just something I've been dealing with for a really long time #my brain likes having names to thing such as feelings. attraction. gender. aesthetics. personality traits. etc #i know people are really against this thing of hyperspecific labels (or even aesthetics. i see a lot of discourse on that) #but some people are. just. Like That™ #and while i do agree humanity can't be properly labelled #i enjoy having labels ! helps me to not feel insane and actually feel normal and comfortable with myself #also if i can't name a feeling. thing or if i don't have clear instructions on something i'll simply not work #anyways #thanks for coming to my tedtalk #and also happy pride for both people with simple labels and people with hyperspecific labels !! all valid ! :] 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[eddies-tele]

Vent: the sequel (maybe 18+? Dunno)

So in my last vent post (below), you guys gave me good advice, and I ask for some again.

Am I the asshole for wanting to break up with my boyfriend?

So, we got together in January of this year (2023), and our relationship was / is pretty good. Well, shortly after we got together, he came down with the virus (yk which one) and it took a lot out of him. Like, a lot. He'd sleep frequently because he was so drained from it. He eventually recovered and fought it off, hasn't had it since.

Flash forward to now, almost a year later. Yesterday I'd texted him a couple times and he didn't respond. This I'm used to, because he usually doesn't get up until early afternoon. Well it soon was 7 o clock in the evening, and he hadn't said anything. So like any girlfriend does, I panic and texted his mom to make sure he was ok.

She said he'd been asleep since she'd gotten home and such, and that he'd taken sleeping pills to sleep. He finally texted me for the first time yesterday at 7:30 - ish. The thing is, I get that sleep is extremely important. But when he's been asleep for the majority of the day, it frustrates me.

Now I know people have other priorities in life, and I'm ok if I'm not always his number one. But, today, when I was scrolling good ol' Pinterest, I came across a screenshot of a post on here talking about normal relationships, and what they basically aren't.

One of the points they made was that it's not really normal for your partner to state that ur hobbies / interests are a waste of time or basically inferior. Everyone on here knows that I love, love, love bands. Most of those bands being Weezer, Green Day, Nirvana, and... Foo Fighters. I'm autistic, so naturally, I will talk about my hyperfixations and special interests a lot, which in this case is mostly foo fighters.

I really love music in general too, and that includes playing bass. Well, the one time over dinner a couple weeks ago, he confessed that at one point he didn't even want to remotely listen to the foos / Nirvana because I talked about them too often. And that kinda hurt, honestly. Another time, he was basically like "Would you stop talking about them??"

He doesn't seem to really acknowledge the fact that, yes, I love these things, and no, I don't know how to socialize about anything else. Ironically, I said at the exact same dinner that it's often hard for me to socialize / make connections because there was a point in my life --- when I was 14 years old --- where I was basically a fucking hermit. Didn't want to leave the house to eat, shop, or anything. I recall that as the darkest period of my 20 years on this earth, and I'm still recovering from it today, years later.

And he just laughed and said something along the lines of "Yeah no wonder you talk about the same stuff over and over again." And that hurt, too. He's also autistic and doesn't really have a filter, either, so he just straight up says things with little to no regard of the effect it may have on people.

He sends me stuff from Twitter that is sometimes funny and oftentimes...not so much. Like homophobic / misogynistic jokes or things of that like. I've told him in the past that I don't find those funny, and they honestly make me uncomfortable, and he just brushed it off.

Back to the sleeping issue, his mom and I are of course very concerned for him. But he just brushes it off like it's no big deal. But it is. To me, at least. Because sometimes, when he sleeps that long or has no real emotional response to things, I feel like I'm literally dating a rock. And there's also times where I feel it's just my body he likes.

He's said in the past when we had that rough patch in our relationship that he likes me as a person and not just for my body, but with each passing day, that's just not true to me. Don't get me wrong, he's a great dude with a big heart, but I honestly don't think we're cut out for each other romantically.

Granted, I was the one who started the whole flirting shit (around this time last year), and I was the one who asked if we're dating or not. I love him, and I really don't want to give him up, but a large chunk of me is telling me to. I know some autistics struggle to display certain emotions over others, including he himself, but it's getting hard for me.

Am I the asshole for wanting to break up with him?

[dat2ndaccount97]

Helen V. Griffith Doll book Duology Review

For Preference I don't do a lot of Novel/Chapter Book reading these days, just mainly Comics, and don't do book reviews like this either But this ended up being so weirdly personal by the end that I decided to talk about these (This post is a bit of a long one)

So Recently I started Browsing the Library on the Internet Archive which has 1000s of books you can borrow free of charge for an hour, I've mainly been skimming through Barbie books then switched the search to doll books. Then the cover to the book "Caitlin's Doll" Caught my eye. It's so rare to see a Work of fiction dealing with/centered around a doll where the doll is a Proper Barbie Like Fashion doll and not a porcelain or raggedy Anne Type doll as they usually are.

So I read the Description and got intrigued enough to borrow the book and give it a read. Caitlin's Doll Trouble (also known as Caitlin's Holiday with different cover art) Is a pretty short read ay 90 ish pages. It's about a Girl Named Caitlin, who has a barbie like doll named Jodi, and is on her way to play dolls with her friends when she stops at a resale shop and sees a Beautiful doll and a box full of clothes. She's so smitten with the doll, and sees an old lady that looks like she's gonna buy her, and "Trades" Jodi for the new doll without a thought. It then turns out the Doll, named holiday. is alive, and is Kind of a B*tch. She's mad at Caitlin for leaving her nice clothes at the shop. t also turned out the old lady is the grandma of one Caitlin's friends, and Jodi is now in her friend's possesion (now named Wendi by her friend), along with Holiday's cltohes that Holiday really wants back (and tries to steal back)

The rest of the story deals with Caitlin dealing with the fact that her doll is alive, her and Holiday warming up to each other, and Caitlin owning up to how she got holiday in the first place. It's a nice little read with a rather abrupt and open ended ending. I thought that was that and kept browsing when I decided to look this book up, and found out there was a sequel called Doll Trouble.

Doll Trouble deals with Caitlin and Jodi, after finally becoming good friends by the end of book 1, going through a rough patch as Caitlin is starting miss jodi leading holiday to get jealous, and what looks like Holiday stealing her old clothes back again, leading Caitlin to get Mad, Though she claims jodi is the one doing it. There's Some surprising reveals, a hint of magic, and another abrupt ending where everything works out so it's kinda satisfying. This book is slightly longer at 125 pages.

Overall these are fun little stories. Anyways the reason this is somewhat personal to me is 2 fold. One is that this kinda scratches that itch for "Toy Story but with barbies", kinda. It's a step in the right direction for that idea.

The other one is that during college when I had my previous phone I had a diary app. I mainly used it to vent, type down how I was feeling about something, sometimes talk about weird dreams or interesting ideas I had. One of Said Ideas was for an anime. The story was a Guy Who collects dolls (a Self inset lmao) Gets a green haired anime doll named Yuni Chan while on vacation in japan. When he gets back home it later turns out the Doll is alive. And After talking and getting to know each other for a few hours they start to become friends. He has to put her away quickly so his folks don't know he has dolls.

The 1st season dealt with their him dealing with the fact that he has a doll that's alive in addition to his collection, His School and home life, Their Friendship that later turns into a possible romance which the guy says wouldn't work because A. She's a doll and that wouldn't work on top of being VERY weird, and B. He has a cursh on a girl at school, Eventually Yuni Chan Starts Telling the guy another one if his dolls (a stand in for Anna from Frozen) is also alive, and he doesn't believe Yuni Chan at first but is later revealed she was right. I also put down ideas for later plotlines like him getting with the girl from school and Yuni Chan Becoming a real Girl for Brief Periods of time. It was just a dumb idea floating around in my head at the time I decided to jot down. That phone died so I don't have access to this anymore but I still remember a lot of this.

So yeah it was very weird and surreal seeing a kids book coincidentally have some of the same ideas I had for a dumb anime I thought up one night. Also again It was nice to see a doll related Piece of Fiction deal with a Barbie like doll, that almost Never Happens, and I hope it happens more often

#Caitlin's Doll #Caitlin's Holiday #Doll Trouble #Dolls in Books #Helen V. Griffith #Doll Stories #Anime Idea #book review

[babaleshy]

More venting!

These past few days I've been having this.. repeated meltdown that I don't somehow fully get out of my system, so little shit sets me off after some of the bigger shit occurs one right after the other.

Over the span of a few days, I've had to deal with sciatica that, for a couple of days, was only relieved a little bit via bowel movement and never fully went away until the storm system we got in Ohio finally fully passed us. I then had to deal with the growing realization that something is up with at least one of the burners on our shitty stove my mom bought based on price alone without much browsing, and this particular burner is the one I make my pancakes on. I've tried different pans with different burners and THIS particular one with THIS particular pan is the ONLY goddamn way for me to cook these things properly. Now they don't cook all the way.. They simply burn on the outside and are gooey on the inside.

Then my dad breaks my favorite mug. Aside from the design, it's the perfect size for the perfect amount of coffee that I can handle on a regular basis, and because my dad does NOT have some kind of logic based system of how to do dishes and put them in the strainer so nothing fucking breaks, my mug got chipped bad thanks to a heavy bowl (or whatever it was he claimed) tipping over and hitting it. (This isn't the first thing of mine he's broken doing dishes. He's broken one of two juice glasses that I cannot find anywhere else, and he's broken a custom etched pint glass a friend gave my husband for x-mas.)

I did a bit of thrash-dancing to some music yesterday to kinda let off some of that meltdown steam, but my cat got really concerned, then I realized I probably looked ridiculous doing that in the robe I basically live in, so I sat back down at my desk in shame.

Then, last night, while getting something out of the fridge, I got something disgustingly rancid on said robe. It smelled horrible. Turns out, when my robe-covered knee held the fridge open as I squat down to get something, my dad's horseradish that went bad and leaked out the top and onto the shelf of the fridge door got onto my robe. So I had to go the rest of last night without a robe, freezing because we can't adequately heat this house (at least for my tolerance, I have a VERY low tolerance for the cold), so right now, my robe's in the wash and I'm wearing a very old, thinning, fast-fashion sweater since it has the least amount of holes under a T-shirt I wear as part of my pajamas. Just waiting for my robe to be done so I can fucking be warm-ish.

But now I'm trying to figure out if the dryer sheets are giving me a bad reaction because I wear my robe with the collar popped to keep my neck warm and my neck starts to itch, but now that I'm without a robe, it doesn't. And if I don't use a dryer sheet, my robe is painfully static and sticks to things and... no.

Today, I tried my luck again with the last bit of batter I had saved. Again, no luck even with the fact that the pancake would be small. I'm without breakfast until my husband's tax refund comes in. We plan to get an egg poacher of nice quality and not one that has plastic that will melt when you use it. I'm currently looking up some Mediterranean diet recipes for alternatives. So far, for what we currently have, I might be able to make whole wheat cookies with honey and have that either with my coffee or with my poached eggs as a substitute until we can solve the stovetop problem.

Yesterday, I was supposed to go in with my husband somewhere. We were going to get assessed for mental health-related stuff, but the two of us felt too much like hell and we were in too much pain to be able to go, and this isn't an appointment-based thing, either. So this is postponed until next Wendesday, which is next day off during the working hours of the clinic-place-thingy.

On top of all of this, I want to try and convince my mom to not mow the front or side yards specifically to help out the local lightning bug population. Fireflies/lightning bugs don't relocate themselves if you fuck up their space, so if you pave over their area, they're gone from the local area for good. The front and side yards are wonderful little habitats for them from what I've read, and I see them there a lot. But my mom mows a lot because she doesn't know what to do with herself, and can't admit she's too old and tired to do anything above the absolute bare minimum of caring for her 2 horses and her very old, probably depressed dog (the dog gets no mental enrichment; mom gets upset when she takes too long to go potty outside, and I'm the only one who manages to take her on legit walks on this farm whenever I'm well enough to do it).

But I'm too fucking worked up from the past few days (on top of trying to stay informed on certain topics and either being enraged or disturbed) that instead of being diplomatic to my mom, I'll probably unintentionally start a fight.

My mom simply likes the idea of country life, all while chuckling at how city folk can't handle the great outdoors. Meanwhile, she uses pesticide powder on her shit excuse for an elevated garden bed that grows a few tomatoes and peppers and mows the lawn to keep the snakes and other abundance of bugs away.

"BUT I DON'T WANT MAH DAWG TO TRACK TICKS AN' FLEAS IN!" Meanwhile she feeds the horses, brushing up against what she doesn't mow, and doesn't give the dog flea/tick medication until I fucking bug her enough to.

She doesn't know what to do with her free time outside of mowing the lawn (including when the grass doesn't even reach your ankles on some occasions) and curling up on the couch to sit on social media, watching a shitty country singer's livestreams (and constantly moaning about how she's missing the fucker's streams when she's doing the rare thing of spending time with her daughter) and playing some shitty sitcom on a streaming service, tanking the internet speed for my husband and myself. (My parents only half-pay attention to the same sitcoms, shitty shows, or old westerns they've seen a billion times.)

What got into my head about how I might be able to convince my mom to NOT mow two yards (we live on a 15 acre farm btw) is that despite how problematic she is, she tries (or at least puts off the impression) to support my interest in entomology. And lightning bugs, obviously, falls within that category.

A lot of what I get barred from doing despite being told I'm allowed seems to me like my parents don't like me doing something that makes them look lazy. This includes shit like actually cleaning up the house. They are too tired and stressed to be responsible, so when I try to pick up the slack (and not even complain ONCE while doing it because I completely know what it's like to be too exhausted to do shit), I catch shit because I'm annoying them when I simply ask them where they want certain things.

"Annoying" is kind of a code word for "you're distracting me from my internet connection I once berated you for when you were a teenager back in the 00s and I don't like how you're making me look bad right now please stop making me face that reality despite it not being your intention."

They're a big part as to why I need therapy and thus one of several reasons why I need to go in for mental health assessment (among other things). And my health denied me even that. So now I cannot negotiate something with my mom to help lightning bugs for fear of going off unintentionally on her.

What I hate most is while mine and my husband's situation isn't horrible or life-threatening in any way, that it simply sucks in a ridiculous way, we can't exactly escape, either. Unless we go back to school so we can get decent jobs, we couldn't even afford to live in a house if someone just GAVE us a house (because of bills, etc.), so we're kinda fucked.

The plan is to try and stick it out until we've gone to school (me for A.S. in Environmental Science and hopefully a B.S. in Field Ecology afterwards, and my husband for something computer/technology related with the possibility of meteorology or astronomy). But we got no clue if we'll be able to get our own place even then because credit scores are a thing.

Oh... and the cherry on top? We have a noisy oil pad that does fracking just up the fucking hill from us. The noise has affected my mom's dog making her sick and nervous, it has affected my own nerves, and it's disrupting local ecosystems, etc. So... Fucked no matter what. I am praying that going back to school will finally fucking help.

Sorry for the rambling rant.

#vent #rambling rant #I hate this

[inorganicorganism]

Okay, so I kinda need to vent somewhere and what better place to do that than Tumblr.

I've been pretty down-ish lately, and I find it reaaally fucking hard to find the motivation to do anything for school or work. I procrastinate a lot, to the point of not preparing myself at all for an exam where I had to give a workshop for a couple of students and an assessor.

I know why I feel down, but I don't know what to do about it. My self-esteem is about nonexistent, and I freeze. Because of that, I've been really struggling with Imposter syndrome. I have no clue how I got to where I am right now and I don't feel like I deserve it. I'm in school for music and I Feel like everybody knows their shit and I'm there knowing fuck all and bluffing my way through the years. I'm in my last year and I only feel like I'm losing knowledge, and I am terrified by the thought of getting a job. I have no clue what I wanna do (because let's be honest, I won't be able to make a living out of music) and I feel too incompetent to even get whatever job I can find.

It's really hard to describe how I feel. I just know I'm scared for the future. I have some friends that are kinda throwing their life away, sitting at home, no job, not wanna work, gaming all day etc... I don't want to end up like them, though my own intrusive thoughts are saying that I will be one of them, because what even are my skills? No one is gonna hire me.

I have reached the point where insecurities, low self-esteem, ADD and dysthymia meet and decide to go apathetic. Just giving up is sounding better and better with each passing day. Although I really don't want to. There's such a big inner conflict going on inside me.

I've always been tough on myself. The way I went to leave my parents house wasn't exactly out of free will (long story), and after that I got the "I should be able to do this myself" mentality. I always punish myself and talk down on myself for not being able to do something or asking for help.

And that voice, me being so tough on myself, combined with the already existing and growing insecurities and my extremely low self-esteem is starting to get even worse than my bullies were in high school. I am being my own bully and I don't know how to deal with that.

Tl;dr

Insecure: yes, very

ADD: yes

Dysthymia: yes

Other mental health problems: probably

Self esteem: no

I'm extremely scared for the future and don't know what to do.

#me #personal #personal rant #rant