#this time zone and i've had one too many an identity crisis. so why not both.)

[that-disabled-princess]

Six Sentence/Stitch Sunday

Thanks for the tags this (very early) morning @j-nipper-95 @cosmicalart @hushed-chorus and @letraspal! How is it COTTA posting week already? What? Where did this past week go?

Speaking of COTTA: I'm putting together a behind-the-scenes post, which includes all my dead darlings, behind the writing commentary, and other things! Including some crochet... so keep an eye out for that! It'll get posted... sometime after COTTA. I still have ruthari week to contend with next week 😅 Maybe I'll post it on my birthday as a birthday treat. Or maybe not, since I'm planning to go to Lake Michigan and be autistic about rocks and watch musicals with my best friend that day.

One final teaser from Lavender hearts before Wednesday:

I feel like a child being reprimanded for sticking my hand in the homosexual cookie jar.

Baz's morbid humor, showing through once again.

I've also got a mystery crochet pattern in the works! Can you guess who I'm designing 👀

And! I had a stroke of inspiration on my Sad EthariTM fic last night!! It's going to be two parts with a hopeful ending (my soul needs some healing after Lavender hearts). Since I already shared one sentence above, here are five new ones from this fic:

He falls asleep out here sometimes. Arms resting on the stone, head pillowed on his sleeves. When he’s not backed up on orders or house chores that Runaan is no longer around to help him with, he sometimes sits to watch Rayla’s lotus.

To make sure she’s safe.

To reassure himself she’s alive.

I've got some fun (painful) things planned for this fic. My hurt no comfort muscle has been put to good use lately.

I know I don't technically have to stick to six sentences, but it's fun to challenge myself.

Tagging @bazzybelle @youarenevertooold @imagineacoolusername @yeonjunenby @aristocratic-otter @artsyunderstudy @tea-brigade @iamamythologicalcreature @forabeatofadrum @stitchyqueer @hoothalcyon @legend-of-the-fandoms @larkral @wellbelesbian @cutestkilla 💖💖

#i am nervous to post lavender hearts in a way i've never been nervous for any other fic #this fic is so so important to me #it speaks for itself now and i am so proud of it #though posting on my birthday would also coincide with 1) ruthari week; 2) wayward son's birthday; and 3) six sentence sunday. so. #maybe not the best days to post xD #(it's both the 23rd and 24th because time zones and identity crises are fun. legally the 23rd in my birthtown/hometown but it's the 24th in #this time zone and i've had one too many an identity crisis. so why not both.) #my writing #lavender hearts #six sentence sunday #ruthari week 2023 #ruthariweek2023 #wipsday

[gothtopus108]

okay i need to rant about this stupid guy because i cant stop thinking about all of this shit

so, my boyfriend has this friend right and we have a LOT of common intrests, so we started talking about music we like ect ect, i didnt like him for a long time bc he made me anxious but i warmed up to him, eventually we got really close (at least i thought we were close) and now i've always had the problem of being way closer with people than they are with me, but I knew he pretty much had ducky, their other best friend, and pretty much no one else.

when we were talking it was a REALLY bad time in my life. Maybe one of the top worst, and I've had a lot of really shitty time. I'm bipolar, and i was balls-deep in a horrible mixed episode, i also was heavily restricting food and taking more ritalin than i am supposed to, so basically, i was in an insane hazy oblivion and basically just entierly zoned out but also really intense from the ritalin and mania. I was in the process of moving and trying to pack up all of my shit too and my parents were CONSTANTLY fighting also so badly it would wake me up from sleep when they got into it.

So we would talk for hours, texting until like 3am, mostly about will wood/other music artists we share obsessions with, but also a lot about life and our respective shitty mental health. Now, I was also convinced I was going to lose ducky, and i was going through yet another horrific mania-induced gender identity crisis. So, although he NEVER said anything about it, in retrospect I was defintly not being a normal human person in the way i was interacting with him. Its hard enough for me to interact normally, but throw in that shit-storm and I know i was being way too much for anyone to handle, let alone someone i only just started talking too

eventually, me and ducky did break up (thanks bpd)(we also got back together a few weeks later obvi) and I think the main thing i did was ranting to him, basically dumping my entiere thoughts while activly splitting on ducky. I think this was probally the final straw. The day ducky told him we broke up, he told me us talking "doesn't feel right" and he has not responed to a single text since then.

i asked him why, and nothing. it hurt almost as bad as breaking up with ducky, because at least with ducky we had talked about if for literal days before deciding to break up and we also kept talking as friends. I didnt text him for like two weeks and when I was in a much much better place mentally i reached out saying basically "hey im sorry for how i acted, i promise thats not how i normally am, you just need to be more firm with me on boundaries. also if you hate me please say that instead of just ghosting me" but nothing.

now heres the part thats fucking me up the most. I fucking TOLD him so many times how hard being ignored fucks me up. I told him that being ignored literally makes me suicicdal. I told him how i'd so much rather someone scream and yell at me, call me horrible names, even physically fucking hurt me than ignore me, yet he STILL refuses to even acknowledge me. He KNEW how i have absolutely NO friends but ducky, he KNEW i was in the worst time of my life, he KNEW all of my trauma around friendships ending, he KNEW ALL OF IT, but he still fucking ignores me. I hate it. I cant fucking stand it.

I JUST want to be his friend again so bad. I loved him he was so fun and we had so many common interests especially in things that ducky doesnt want to talk about as much with me. i just want him to tell me what i did wrong. I want him to be angry i want to hear everything i did wrong i want him to TELL me i cant stand him ignoring me it makes my skin crawl. Now ducky told me he blocked me which makes it even worse. I feel entierly out of control.

and the worst part is, ducky just says 'yeah he didn't handle it right, but your response to what he did is not his fault' when i tell him how hes making me actively suicidal. Like,, yes,, that is true,, but when i've told him how triggering it is, when i've told him about the time i attempted after someone stoped talking to me, when i text him begging him to text me back and he still wont, at what point does at least SOME blame fall on him? like if i had never told him any of that stuff and he was just oblivious to how triggering it is that would be one thing but NO, i fucking TOLD him SO many times.

im so upset and hurt and confused and angry and evberything feels so bad and i just know hes talking shit about me to ducky i know he is he thinks im a bad person and hes trying to convince ducky i am a bad person . i hat ehim somuch im so hurt and upset and i want to hurt myself i cant belive i even tried to be his friend i can ttak ethis

#bpd vent #vent #actually bpd #bpd thoughts