#time to ignore ahzy

[wizardofahz]

Re-watched some Supergirl clips, and now I miss Kara Danvers. I have been writing her, but I should go back to ficlets because focusing on longer one-shots and chapter fics means I'll finish in...

#or maybe i'll just post scenes from the longer WIPs #that'll at least incentivize me to get them done piecemeal #it's hard to concentrate on long-form when i'm trying to write for five fandoms at once #time to ignore ahzy

[johnwaterstrike]

A call on the linkpearl came over, a slightly...more timid Sizha speaking. "John...? Are you there...? If you are and you're doing well...I would like to see you. Please visit my office when you can." 

A scratching sound then John's voice comes over, "Um, hang on.  Kit stop diving into the water..." a few more seconds later, "Sorry, was just finish up a bath.  Give me a quarter to half bell and I'll be there Sizha." 

"Of course....take your time...." pearl clicks off.

"Really, Kit, you and water..." John said, stepping into the mansion.  "I'm glad that the paint came out."  Kit giggle from where she was laying on top of his head, 'Fun!' she said.  John let a smile pull at his lips even as he knock on the office door.  "Sizha, sorry for the wait."  He push the door open, "At least it kept the little ones entertain until their mom and brother was done having his arm patch up." 

Sizha was looking at the bookshelf, holding a teacup. "....." He blinks, realizing that John had walked into the room. "Oh no...it's alright, really....hey...." A small smile crossed his face when he saw him, genuine. "You're walking...there's even more color on you....." 

"Mom been having me manage the people coming into the clinic." John said.  "Dad also was able to talk to Tanya and Cocobuki and she will hopefully be home in a week or two."  Sizha would be able to see that the weight that had been on his shoulders had lifted a little.  There was an elezen boy that had his arm slash and I kept his siblings entertained until Mom finish healing him." 

"Ah...john, that is wonderful news. Perhaps she can come home sooner than that." He closed the book in his hands and slid it back into the bookshelf. "The day I get to meet her draws closer. I look forward to it. And siblings? How darling. I do love getting to help take care of children..." 

"Sam is especially eager to see her again.... though Dad said that some of her memories are mix up and that is what Master Cocobuki has been working with her since that happens with a partial procession."  A soft smile grace John's lips.  "Twin girls and finger paints.  It took forever to get it out of my hair but they were so cute showing of the drawing to their Mom and brother." 

Sizha smiles to him a little more but rubs at his eyes. "Oh goodness...finger painting..I can't remember the last time I ever did that. Hm...." He opens his eyes and watches John. "Well...the important thing is that she is...alive and here...and she well remember. she'll be worked through...she has a good brother at her side." 

@sizhatonaz

John blush a little.  "I hope to have Howl and her meet once she home."  He frown the step closer.  "Sizha...have you gotten any sleep recently?" 

"Howl...." He nods a little bit. "I would like to see him one day too...when I have the time, of course. It's adorable when you speak of him...you make me think of the way I see Etienne. How sweet...." His ears tilt forward and back. "Oh...sleep...? As best I can, I've been busy, there is so much to take care of..." His eyes wander the room for a moment, looking for his supplies. "Sedatives have helped honestly." 

John shook his head before stepping forward and gave him a hug.  "You have me rest but you should be taking time away as well." he said.  Kit nods from her place on his head.  'Not do good for Saiya worry or Etienne worry as well."  He ran his fingers against Sizha's ear.  "At least try to get some rest without the Sedatives.  I know they are helping but I don't want you to use them as a handicap, ok?" 

Sizha smiled at him a bit but it was coupled with a slight frown. "But I need it right now. Etienne is not well either, he's been troubled. I've been speaking to other company members but...." His eyes searched the room a little. ".....I...I still.....need the sedative to sleep lately. I'm afraid that if I don't, the nightmares will return. They've been so frequent...and I hear...." He trailed off a bit. 

John step back, placing a hand under Sizha's chin.  "Nightmares...have you talk to anyone about this?"  Thinking on it, Sizha was a lot like him, placing others before himself.  "Sizha, what have the nightmares been about.  Maybe speaking about them will help calm them down so you can sleep without the sedatives?"

He hesitated a moment. "......" Ears tilted and wiggled a little bit but he began to speak. "These dreams, brother....everything has been breaking apart. My company members...no, my family....they have each had their own struggles. I have helped them all....I am still helping them. But I fear the consequences....I fear what comes after and I worry I c-can't save them...." He closes his eyes. ".....A-ahzi keeps talking to me...in my nightmares....he's been in every one of them....I...I....I didn't think he would.....appear again...." His tail slowly moved from side to side. "I can't feel him the same way that I did before but he's there. H..he's awake." A look of concern crosses his expression as he tries to pull details from his mind.

John ears shot up as he listen to Sizha told him what the nightmares had been about.  He pull Sizha into a hug, running his hand over the other miqo'te's hair.  "Listen to me, alright." he said.  "It's a nightmare, it can't hurt you."  He waited for a moment, "But it doesn't mean that it there is not meaning to them."  He nods over to the sets, "I want you to sit, then we're going to try and work out what your mind is trying to tell you, ok?" 

Sizha buried into Johns shoulder with a gentle nod. "A...alright...I'll sit with you....." He moves to the benches with John until he can sit by them.

Once Sizha was on the bench, he settle down beside him, and Kit flew over to cuddle into Sizha's neck.  "Alright, first off, you put so much of yourself into everyone because they are family and friends.  The first thing is that you can't save everyone.  I struggle with that everyday.  I try so hard to help everyone but there will be a point that you can't save them."  He pause, to compose himself.  "Second, your mind can't handle the pressure that you are placing on yourself.  It telling you that you are going to break from this and the best way to show that is with Ahzi."  He brush some of Sizha hair away from his face.  "It may even be some leftover of Ahzi after the two of you became one that may be trying to warn you what the pressure is doing to you." 

He lay his head against Johns shoulder. "A...are you sure...? I...you're probably right..." He closes his eyes. "...I'm trying to get others help, John....I am....and training people for this work. It is getting to me and I know this...and I can't rest at home either because Etie needs assistance too...it's not his fault...it's the people who have done this to him that have caused it...." He opens his eyes again. "Why does the world have to be s...so...." He stumbled in his speech, falling into silence. "......" He speaks up again after a moment. "John, I am a man who cannot stay seated. I rest now more than I ever have...I am pulling for assistance...and it isn't enough...I can't sit....not for long." He felt something tugging at his mind but he ignored the words and ignored the thought. This was enough... 

"Shhh, it's ok to feel overwhelm, Sizha," he said, running his hand against his little brother's ear.  "But you do need to focus on yourself.  You were the one that told me that, so place use that advice."  He wish he could answer why the world was the way it was but just like Sizha, that lay out of reach for him as well.  'Sleep, we look after you.' Kit said, still cuddle into Sizha's neck.  "Kit's right.  I'll stay beside you and you try to get some rest.  No thinking about the others, just focus on getting some rest for not only yourself but for Etienne too, alright?"

Sizha nodded slowly, swallowing a bit. "A..alright john. Thank you f..for this. You have so much patience...." He nodded sleepily as he lay against him to nod off as he was already trying to do.

John stay quiet until he was sure that Sizha had subcome to the sleep that he needed.  "Little brother," he breath, pulling Sizha tighter against him, trying to act as a buffer to the outside world.  He buried his face into the others hair, "Ahzi, I'll try to protect him from the forces that are trying to break him here.  Please, our little brother, if you are somehow aware, even a little, try to watch over Siz so that he doesn't break apart mentally."  Kit look up at John, looking confuse.  'Think Ahz...' John didn't move from where he held Sizha.  "No, the two are whole and Ahz wouldn't do this, to try and break all the work they both done.  Or hurt Sizha in such a way.  There has to be something..."  He sigh, pulling out one of his medica books, using this time as he watch over Sizha here, to study as well. 

It seemed the first bell went by just fine...he was sleeping rather peacefully. But about a bell and a half later, he began shifting in his sleep and mumbling.

John quickly set the book off to the side as he felt Sizha shift in his sleep.  Tilting his ears, he try to hear what his little brother was mumbling about.  "I'm here Sizha, I've got you." he whisper, brushing the other hair gentle.  "What going on, Siz?  Step back and look at what is going on objectively.  Ahz, if you are somewhere in there, please help him."

Sizhas ears twitched and he seemed to struggle again. "N...no...." He mumbled under his breath. 

"Sizha...it's just a nightmare but you can control it." he said.  He held on tighter, burying his face against Sizha's hair, near his little brother's ear.  "I have you Siz, alright so listen to my voice.  Alright, I need you to stay calm and try to step outside the nightmare.  It's not happening to you but to someone else.  Now, try and tell me what you are seeing to that person?" 

"Bro...ther...." He mumbles softly, fidgeting. "Hear...you...." 

'Good, he can hear me.' John thought.  "Alright, Sizha, now, you're seeing this on one of those magitek screens.  It's not you but someone else.  What do you see playing on the screen?" 

"Void...howling...wind...." He trembles. "Cold....so cold...."

"Alright, it's dark and there is wind blowing and it's cold." he says.  "Ok, now, try to form a light, like a camp fire.  Warm and gentle.  Once that is done, form a building to block out the wind, like the building that we were in when you and Ahzi became whole."  John scratch an ear.  "And remember that I'm with you so you're not alone." 

Sizha would tremble and shake against the cold but Johns voice helped guide him into making the landscape. First the fire was set and then it became a fireplace. The details came together as he remembered them, bit by bit until the small cottage was full in its entirety. 

"Do you feel the warmth?  Ok, that is your safe spot.  Make it how you want it, books, games, pictures...anything that makes you happy and gives you strength."  He waited a moment before he continue.  "This is your safe spot, that protect your heart and mind.  Nothing can get in unless you want it too.  Now, there is a window that you can look out of.  You'll be able to see what is taking place in the nightmare if you wish to see it."  He stoke the ear again.  "You can rest and nothing will hurt you here.  The wind isn't howling now is it.  It's quiet and warm, a nice place to rest until you are ready to face the nightmares or comeback to the waking world.  I'll call you when I'm sure you rested enough or you can come back on your own when you feel that you have rested enough." 

Sizha does seem to shiver less but he's staring out of the window of the house they've built. He mumbles in his sleep. "Ah...zi....miss...you....." Sizha watches Ahzi watch him from the outside of the house. 

John frowns but nods.  "I miss him too, Sizha.  He was a good little brother to both of us."  He move Sizha so that he would rest more comfortably against him.  "Now rest...gather your strength and I'll make sure that no one comes in and wakes you too soon."  He whisper quietly, "I'm sure you would want him to rest too Ahzi, if you were still with us.  I promise, I'll protect him as much as I can." 

Sizha drifts into sleep again, still staring out of the window in his dream. Both "brothers" are staring at one another but this time, Ahzi is silent. "......" 

John breaths a sigh as he feels that shift in aether into rest.  He reach up, brushing a bit of hair, before reaching up to touch the aethertide linkpearl.  He whisper quietly into it, "Sizha isn't to be disturb.  He's finally resting so please allow him a few hours to sleep."  He look over to Kit.  "Can you lock the door?  I don't want anyone deciding to come in here before knocking or using the pearl to disturb Sizha."  Kit nods, taking to her wings and flying over to lock the door.  She settle on John's lap but reach over to pet Sizha hand.  'Promise, look after you.'  John nods.  "Yes, with Ahzi now part of Sizha, we'll watch over both of them."

#ffxivrp #Sizha'to N'az #John Waterstrike #ffxiv

[wizardofahz]

Spent so much of the latter half of Blitz (The Checquy Files) trying to remember if they mentioned Lady Carmichael's power, and then the end...

Her power and poise... dang

#also having meta thoughts about the women filling the position of lady of the checquy #similarities in their powers and how myfanwy's powers could also fit the bill should she become the lady in the future #the checquy files #books #time to ignore ahzy

[wizardofahz]

Seeing as how it's November, I will attempt to post some fics. Good luck guessing which fandom will show up on any given day though bc I have no idea.

#time to ignore ahzy #and knowing me i will post less than i intend #but it's the thought that counts right?

[wizardofahz]

Putting my sunglasses on indoors when I feel a migraine coming on

Pro: Not developing a debilitating headache and nausea Con: Having to explain to almost every co-worker that I am not in fact trying to look cool

#i'm honestly surprised how well it worked #[jean ralphio voice] light sensitivity is 🎵 the woooorst🎵 #time to ignore ahzy

[wizardofahz]

Me, thinking of NaNoWriMo:

I'm doing so good. I wrote so many words this week.

*checks document*

Dang it, these are all science words.

#anyone interested in generalized additive models #time to ignore ahzy

[wizardofahz]

I have so many brotps and I love them all dearly, but gosh, when the perfect foetp comes along, it is an unparalleled Experience.

#kaul shae #ayt mada #the way they hate and respect each other is just sublime #they only interact like twice per book but #hoo boy do they force each other to be at the top of their game #time to ignore ahzy #the green bone saga #books

[wizardofahz]

thank you, nba.com, for the worst headline i have ever read

#followed by all football/soccer headlines about teams edging each other #i don't even know what that means in the smut sense #but i've seen that tagged enough on ao3 to cringe every time #time to ignore ahzy

[wizardofahz]

With Supergirl over and November being a writing month, I am going to try posting fics on the remaining Tuesdays. Just putting this out there because hopefully giving people expectations will pressure me into actually following through.

#my friend: i did inktober for the first time in years! it felt so good #me: amazing! maybe i can do nanowrimo #*thinks about it for more than 2 seconds* lmao nope not happening #but this much i can try #time to ignore ahzy

[wizardofahz]

American Would I Lie To You: starts in April on the CW

Me: Meh, American versions of British panel shows are never good

American Would I Lie To You: Laura Benanti will guest

Me: ....I am opening the door a crack...

#time to ignore ahzy

[wizardofahz]

When people make edits instead of suggestions in a scientific paper you’re co-authoring, and everything they wrote was incorrect:

#time to ignore ahzy #i am feeling so salty #i also hate my boss's writing style #it is a forever struggle

[wizardofahz]

my brain whenever I collect grass for my family’s pet bunny: take the grass!

#listen you just can't argue with poetic cinema #time to ignore ahzy

[wizardofahz]

Camryn Manheim put into words (8:46) how I feel recently when watching the interpreters during various press conferences. In addition to the word thing, for most interpreters, there’s a significant lag between what’s being said and when it’s being signed (i.e., what I’m hearing and what I’m seeing), and the mismatch throws me off. To be clear, that’s not a criticism of the interpreters. As noted in the video, ASL is its own language with its own syntax, so signing each word as it’s said would be technically incorrect (signed English is a thing but is not ASL). My favorite interpreter so far has been a guy from DC. His signing was so tight, and maybe because of that, he’s been the best at timing.

This was also one of the things that bothered me on Switched at Birth. So many times they’d have hearing characters sign and speak when talking exclusively to deaf people. I'm sure they did it for the largely hearing viewership, and it let the hearing actors get away with some not so good signing, but that means trying to communicate in two different syntax structures simultaneously (or at least it should, they didn’t really do it, defaulting to English syntax). Besides, part of ASL is facial expressions and mouth movements, which are hard to match with spoken words (e.g., the sign for “finally” is accompanied by mouthing “pah”; try saying finally and mouthing pah at the same time).

#time to ignore ahzy #in 'behind the scenes' did i write control as the one who taught root and team machine asl bc camryn knows asl #absolutely

[wizardofahz]

As someone who generally supports Tottenham, the idea of the team joining the Super League is ridiculous because it’s like, “Ah, yes, let’s join a league where the elite teams in Europe can kick our struggling team’s asses six ways from Sunday. We’ll never win, but our fanbase will really love seeing actually good teams play more. So good for business $$$$”

#is this situation going to improve now that they've sacked mourinho #i doubt it #that team needs multiple layers of overhaul #time to ignore ahzy

[wizardofahz]

I watched 5x18 and 5x19 together, so some final season 5 thoughts. Everything is jumbled because even though I just finished watching about 10 minutes ago, I cannot remember what happened in which episode

Both better than 5x17, which was a relief

I also cannot remember what really happened in 5x17 except that my take away message was: I am very tired of the Luthors

I love two (2) Danvers sisters and one (1) superfam

There was so much superfam in so many combinations... wonderful

I’m seconding everyone who has said M’gann should stay forever

It took me a while to get Alex’s “we all still have our ears” reference even though they explicitly mentioned Deathly Hallows at the beginning. I’m still enjoying it however many minutes later

The Lex yelling at Lena in the prison scene just didn’t work for me. I think it’s a combination of both the writing and the way Jon acted it

Speaking of Lex not working for me, he’s very underwhelming for me as a villain. He’s supposed to be some super genius, but he doesn’t feel smart. Everyone else just feels a little more obtuse than usual, and that’s one of my pet peeves in story writing

Which brings me to Brainy... If that storyline worked for anyone, please come explain to me why. I haven’t put much though into it, but my instinctive reaction to it is just..... bleh

I am still very tired of the Luthors, but Lillian is the one I enjoy watching the most, so if she’s more involved next season, maybe I can work with that... idk. Maybe. At the very least, she’s more what I feel like Lex is supposed to be

Leviathan was also kinda underwhelming. They were supposed to be this omnipresent, omnipotent force, but they just seemed to exist and fail all the time

About Andrea... I wonder if Julie gets bored saying the same lines over and over

“Imagine this one thing which now you can bc Obsidian!” 

I think she’s supposedly in the next season, so please give her more character development

I really should say something positive now bc I really did enjoy these episodes more, but I cannot remember a single thing that happened (maybe bc all I can think about is that I should be coding right now)

Random question.... if everyone is off in Obsidian happy hour / unity whatever, do all the other Earth Prime superheros get to take a vacation? @ anyone who watches the other shows, feel free to tell me

Oh yeah, and Alex’s made up shy and violent cat! (Kara, maybe: I need to make up a cat for Alex! What do I say??? I guess... I’ll just describe Alex????) I want it to be not made up. I want it to be just like Alex and pretty much hiss at anyone who isn’t Alex, Kara, Eliza, or J’onn. They can glare in sync, and it would be very, very cute

Bonus: Azie & Yael on the instalive thingymajiger!!!! The Supergirl / Jane the Virgin crossover I’ve been waiting for!! That made me so happy. I’ve watched less than a minute, but just.... yes

#time to ignore ahzy #ahzy watches supergirl

[wizardofahz]

Writing out my thoughts and feelings to disentangle them.

I’ve said before that Lena is not a character I typically think about, but with the way Supergirl season 5 is going, it feels inescapable. Alex’s storyline is practically non-existent, and Kara’s doesn’t really exist independently of Lena’s, so here we are. Yes, I know characters other than the Danvers sisters exist, but lbr maybe with the exception of J’onn in 5A and Brainy, the Super Friends aren’t having much in the way of character development arcs either.

So anyway... Lena...

I remain wary of how Lena’s arc will progress. I’m glad Kara is no longer holding herself accountable for Lena’s actions, but I’m not fond of the “if you decide to forgive me, I will be there" line. First, the statement predicates itself on the idea that there’s something to forgive. I don’t believe that to be true. Kara doesn’t owe her identity to anyone. Better people than me have talked about that, so let’s move on to point two. Even within the context of the scene, it removes any consideration of accountability on Lena’s part. Lena may have made decisions based on hurt feelings, but that is not synonymous with being stripped of all self-control. And if I were to take it further and draw a Venn diagram, the “Lena forgiving Kara for the perceived slight” circle could be inches away from a completely separate "Lena taking responsibility for her own actions” circle. Lena could say, “let’s let bygones be bygones,” and attempt to wipe the slate clean for both of them. On the flip side, there could also be overlap between those two circles. I hope we’re heading for overlap in the episodes to come. I hope a lot of things for this show.

Apparently I have way more feelings about that line than I thought I did.

But...

The main reason I have so many feelings about it is that I see it as a potential indicator as to how this storyline might resolve, and I don’t think it will go as deep as I want it to go. I can see the show resolving the current storyline with Lena realizing she’s been wrong to develop her AI and work with Lex. I can see Kara helping Lena be a better person after that. My concern is that I’m having trouble seeing how the show will resolve the overarching Lena storyline.

Tangent: I absolutely adore Root and her arc from Person of Interest. Root did terrible things in her past. Villain!Root makes Lena look like a saint. Even “good guy” Analog Interface!Root might make Lena look like a saint. Root had a redemption arc, but she never really paid for all her sins. It never bothered me that she didn’t.

Back to Supergirl: it bothers me that Lena will likely never face the consequences for the bad things she’s done pre-season 5. I tried to figure out why that dichotomy exists in my head, and I realized it’s because without that, Lena may never truly change.

For me, the main Lena problem is that her sense of morality is skewed. Root knew what she was doing was wrong, but she decided she didn’t care. When she decided to follow the Machine, she knew what to stop doing, albeit with some guidance. Lena doesn’t realize that what she’s done was wrong. Sure, she’s realized that a lot of it was shady and therefore worth keeping from judgmental eyes, but nothing has told her that these are behaviors she shouldn’t continue.

Let’s say the current storyline is resolved and Kara continues helping Lena be a better person as she’s been trying for the last few seasons. All I’m seeing Lena get out of that is “world domination is bad”. The morally dark grey stuff is probably going to survive. When the Machine was reforming Root, She knew what She had to work with, but Kara isn’t in the same position. She doesn’t know about things like Adam, and I don’t see Lena volunteering that information or taking the time to personally re-evaluate her actions, mainly for both because she wouldn’t even realize it was a situation worth re-evaluating. There’s also her ego to consider. There’s probably only so much "here’s what you did wrong” she can tolerate.

Which basically leaves us with a stagnant loop of Lena doing increasingly bad things in secret until something Big and Bad is exposed, Kara calling her out on it, Lena regressing to less bad things in secret until they also become Big and Bad, rinse and repeat. Within a tv show, stagnancy is Boring. If Supergirl were real life, I’d say that’s fair. Some people don’t change. It takes a lot of work. It should take a lot of work in the show. One problem is that Supergirl is very prone to quick, happy endings. There can be a time and place for them, but this is not one of them. They’ve also got tonal issues sometimes, but again, better people have talked about that (i.e., in this case, I’m too lazy to go into it right now).

This all being said, ymmv. Again, I don’t normally think about Lena, so I could be proven wrong on many counts. I wouldn’t mind.

#time to ignore ahzy #ahzy watches supergirl #i feel bad picking on storyteller decisions #bc goodness knows i don't have a leg to stand on there but #i just have a lot of feelings.gif