#tinlizziedl
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Some student somewhere could get their PhD off me....
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Developing Sexuality, Discovering Kinks, a Spinal Injury, and Barely Beginning to Explore the Edges of the LGBTQ+ Community
Howdy, y’all. I’m just gonna put this out there - If it’s not for you, just keep on a’scrollin’!
Now, I’ve not really explicitly spoken about my sexuality and how it’s evolved over my almost five decades of life. So, I’m about to start, and believe me, your patience and kindness will be appreciated. If you choose to be a close-minded, conservative, cis-asshole then I strongly suggest you leave right the fuck now. Thank you :-)
If you want to get to know me a little bit more and talk of incontinence and sexuality doesn’t scare you, please continue!
Decade 01: Around four years old, I have my first memories of things related to my as yet totally undeveloped sexuality. No history of physical abuse - Don’t worry about that. It was finding my mother’s menstrual pads. I saw pictures of them in underwear, so I took one and put it into mine. It felt so right and so amazing! I don’t really know how to describe it, but it felt like I needed the whole package of them in my underwear all at once! I got in trouble for using up a package that my mom needed and I didn’t understand why she needed them yet. But I made my first “diaper” out of pads and tighty-whities when I was only four years old. Since I’m gonna be using a lot of numbers, I’m gonna cheat and sacrifice the “proper way” of spelling them out if they’re ten or less.
At 5, I knew I wasn’t built right. I had this thing I peed through that girls didn’t have. Boys had them. But I wasn’t supposed to be a boy! I didn’t like it and hated the feeling of it touching my legs (still do...). I started asking questions about things. Now, my parents are the stereotypical Boomers, “trapped” in a loveless marriage by dependent children and their own sense of “honor.” Dad was a Medical Corpsman who became a Physician’s Assistant (PA) after retiring, while Mom used to be a Wave (nurse) in the Navy, but became a stay-at-home Mom when she started having children. I’ve 2 brothers and 1 sister, the last of them born 10 years before me. So, when I questioned things, Dad’s response was usually to hand me a medical book and tell me to look it up. Mom’s response was usually, “go ask your father.” So, there I was, a 5-year old with a head full of partially-understood terminology (at best!) and a bunch of clinical photography in anatomy and physiology books. At least I learned the purely physical differences between boys and girls and why I was one and not the other. This made me mad. So. Very. Mad. I cried a lot for a while, finding out that I would never become what I feel I was supposed to be. But I kept reading....
When I was 6 years old, I wrote a letter to my parents explaining how I felt about my body and how it made me feel inside and how I wished I could change and be the girl I’m supposed to be and would they be ok with helping me do this some day?
It was not received well. Not well at all. I’ve spent the last 40 years trying to get over their reaction to it and I still hate them for their reactions with a passion. I feel like I was truly shattered, and the glue I’ve had to use over the years to put myself back together has never been the right type and pieces of me keep falling apart.
Entering Decade 02 (10 to 20 years old): Puberty, damn it! None of my “researches” had even hinted at ways to stop it, and my body started changing in ways that made me very uncomfortable, but there was also this attraction I kept feeling towards some people, and I started getting erections. Now, I knew what was happening and yes, it did feel good to play with myself, but it also felt wrong in that I should have someone entering me, not me entering them, so when I masturbated that’s what I dreamed of - being entered and feeling them expand inside me, them giving themselves up in me, losing control and exploding into me and feeling their satisfaction as my own at having been so desirable. Cockwarming them gently back to hardness and having my own way with their body as their hands stroked my breasts and hips.... Eventually I would orgasm in real life, while dreaming my dream.
I have never had a blow-job. Several girlfriends have attempted, but honestly that’s like the fastest way to shut me down. It instantly kills my dream between one heart-beat and the next, causing me to feel absolutely horrible about myself and this carcass I’m trapped in. I should be going down on you, tasting, caressing, nuzzling and lapping up your wetness as I get more and more achy and wet for you.... Sticking my dick in your mouth is absolutely the worst thing that can happen during any attempt at sexy-times for me. I’d rather have diarrhea on a crowded school-bus.
The problem was, I had been emotionally terrorized by my parents (and now I know how they controlled my access to information...) and the area I grew up in was populated by fairly conservative folks, so I had no exposure to other ways of living and had no idea I could express my sexuality in any way other than by being masculine with it. Ergo, I was very much in the closet, hiding my thoughts and feelings as best I knew how, and retreated from situations that might expose my inner workings. Hence, I’m an introvert who overshares o.0 Start unstacking the bricks from my walls and Watch Out! You might get more than you bargained for :-\
Decade 03 (20 to 30 years old): I was just positive I didn’t want kids. Also had no clue what to do with myself, so I landed in Alaska for about a decade. Isolated, small town, conservative folks (a church on every corner, attended at least twice a week). Repressive. No sex for 8 of those 10 years. Met my (now ex-) wife up there. Internet actually got off the ground and we bought a computer, modem, and had an AOL account! This was around 2002′ish or so. Yeah, I watched the twin towers fall on a tv in a bar in Alaska. But while in Fairbanks, I discovered the old Usenet Newsgroups... and that led me straight back into my diaper-fetish which I’d almost forgotten about... omg, seeing those first photos... I can’t describe the feelings that burned in me.
Decade 04 (30 to 40 years old): Left Alaska and moved to western Washington State. Worked as a Medical Assistant for about 5 years, then re-invented myself as a welder when I got a Federal job. Learning a whole new trade wasn’t easy. Shittons of practice later I was good at it and loving my career, until a toolbag fell on my head in 2008. It could have killed me had I been in any other position. As it was, it hit the top of my head while my spine was almost perfectly straight up’n’down, causing a couple of discs in my neck to blow out. One completely ruptured and the other bulged so badly it could never heal and restricted my movement (couldn’t look up or pull my chin in). To this day I still have a smallish “shadow” on my cervical spinal nerve where the disc exploded and a “dent” where the next one down bulged out. The doctors think that’s why I’m incontinent and really struggle to get hard-ons anymore.
Here’s the rub: I’ve hated this body of mine forever. I’m not supposed to get hard-ons in the first place! I’m supposed to have breasts, hips, hair, a flat front and a curvy bottom, and you should be making passes at me, not vice versa!
So, rather than pursue medical (surgical) options to deal with the urinary and occasional fecal incontinence, I choose to wear diapers and give myself regular enemas. This way I can kinda (mostly) control the #2 and keep it from happening in public, while I can let my bladder just run on it’s built-in autopilot (which is really random, btw). Wearing diapers also helps me with tucking! I can pull the dick out, pop the balls up inside where they belong, tuck the dick as far back as I can and put my diaper on tight. Bingo! A flat front! And a bit of a poofy bottom! YES!!
Decade 05 (40 to 47′ish years old): I’m beginning to feel slightly more confident in my sexuality, though I’m still not comfortable actually trying to seek out anyone special... but yeah - I’m an introvert by nature. Probably need to get adopted by someone because I’m not sure I’ll ever really be brave enough to really reach out first.... But now I’m able to afford nice diapers, I’m buying women’s jeans/pants/sweaters/onesies, and I’m feeling so much better about myself when I’m able to dress up. Keeping my chest and legs shaved helps, too. When I look down and see long, course, curly body-hair... ugh. Hair in the armpits and groin is what’s normal. Chest hair? Get it off! Looking at myself in the mirror, I still hate many aspects of my physical self, but when I’m freshly shaved, diapered and wearing women’s jeans and a lovely pink sweatshirt or just lounging around in a cute diaper and huge sweater, I’m much more able to ignore the things I don’t like.
Lately, as I’ve begun exploring my sexuality a little more, I’ve discovered the joys of dildos. Lemmie tell you what, guys. A traditional male orgasm doesn’t hold a candle to what I’ve felt while playing with a good dildo. After a good, thorough clean-out in the shower (I have a shower-attachment with multiple nozzles and use the long black rubber one), I’ve used a dildo that’s got a bit of a bend near the tip - it’s shaped like a real penis, normal size (not humongous), with a bit of a crook near the glans. By holding the balls & suction cup in hand, it can be inserted and moved in-n-out at that perfect angle to stimulate *all* the right spots inside... I can honestly say I’ve peed, cum, and blew that dildo across the room as my knees hit the floor and I forgot my name during the best, most intense, can’t-walk-for-a-minute whole-body orgasms I’ve ever experienced in my life. The area between the anus and scrotum feels so very hot and heavy, like it’s going to burst, it’s not truly painful but almost close? - It’s an amazingly satisfying feeling. I’d love to hear from you girls out there... Are my orgasms anything similar to yours?
Some day, my dream is to meet someone who can understand me, who can feel where I’m coming from, who can love me even when I’m having difficulty loving myself. Someone who is kind to my broken soul, and who’s idea of a hot date may involve a stop at the adult toy store!
Edited on 01OCT2021: I’m not looking for a Mommy or a Domme. I’m an adult with adult responsibilities and concerns. I’m looking for a partner who’s also fairly self-sufficient. I own my own home, work full time, and being an introvert I need lots of alone time. Someone who’s open and accepting of the fact that I’m diapered 24/7/365 and am perfectly capable of changing myself. And she’ll understand that I don’t just wanna get her out of her jeans for sexy-times, but I also wanna try them on.
Edited again on 02OCT2021: As I’ve just begun actually exploring my sexuality, I’m starting to think I seem to fit into the “enby” grouping (even as I don’t like being stuffed into a box, I find myself doing just that, to myself! Damn categories...). I don’t know all the lingo yet and it feels like the terminology is a living thing that is always changing. Even though I’ve always found women to be super attractive, and I also really enjoy wearing women’s clothes and have dreamed of being a woman for decades, every once in a blue moon a guy really turns me on. I’ve got fantasies about going down on her while he enters me, his hands on my hips pulling me in as he gently thrusts, speeding up slowly as I’m getting wetter, he’s sliding in and out of me faster and faster and I’m lapping up her juices, buried in her scent, the orgasm in all of us building until we simultaneously explode. Then, once we all have our breath back, each of us gently diapers one another. The idea of feeling my diaper sticking to my bum as his seed dribbles out of me is really turning me on again right now! Hearing our crinkles as we move, cuddling in a contented pile, patting bottoms all around.
Am I a “bottom?” Is there such a thing as an independent “bottom”? More research is needed!
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My left leg is killing me
The muscles are twitching in my left thigh and calf, the hip-joint is on fire, my calf feels like it's cramping constantly, and I'm having to move very carefully because if I don't, the pain spikes down my leg all the way through my foot. Sitting here it's a solid 7/10, and those spikes are a solid 10/10. They freeze me and bring tears to my eyes wherever I'm at. Not only life with incontinence, but now life with such pain that changing my diaper is something I don't look forward to. Just reaching around myself with wet-wipes kills me. I'm almost at the point where I truly need help doing everyday tasks like doing the laundry and dishes. Standing at the kitchen sink is so damned painful! Messy diapers are happening more often, too. It's painful as hell trying to do my bowel routine, so I'm using Benefiber to help make sure I don't constipate because trying to actively push makes my pelvis feel like it's exploding. Trying to actively hold in a #2 doesn't work very well at the best of times, but now it's truly a futile effort. I've an appointment on Tuesday to see a doctor who may finally help me. I'm not one to ask for prayers, but if anyone sees this... send some good vibes or something. I dunno what else to do. This pain is just too damned much!
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Summertime heat and diapers
I’m a little worried about how warm it’s supposed to be this summer. Since I prefer using plastic-backed diapers to deal with my incontinence, I have a good supply of them, but now it’ s looking like I need to diversify.
Problem is, it seems like every single fabric-backed diaper brand I’ve tried has been leaky because they get all stretched-out and loose in less than an hour’s wear. Does anyone know any brand that has good elastics, side-panels, and tabs that don’t stretch-out? Maybe a brand that I’d tried previously has made improvements over time. Please advise, and thank you!
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That feeling when
you wish you were worthy of someone's attention not disgusting not gross just, not.
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Post-surgery update 01
I've had my microdiskectomy/laminectomy at L4-L5 done yesterday (06-JAN-2020) so this is the "Morning after" update: omg I'm so sore. Not unexpected. My left leg pain is pretty much gone, which is a huge relief, but holy shit my back hurts now :) Don't worry, I've got pills for that, but it's a struggle to stay ahead of the pain. Anyone who's experienced acute and chronic pain knows what I'm talking about. When you're behind the pain, you're miserable. It hurts so bad that it's having real effects on your mobility and puts a pretty big crimp in the quality of life. Getting "ahead" of the pain means taking a large enough dose to knock down the pain into the "manageable" realm, then staying on-top-of your dosing schedule (I set timers on my phone). I've got a little pill-keeper on my keychain so even if I'm out I can still rigorously follow my schedule. The same-day surgery suite personnel were a delight. I had an excellent experience and would recommend them in a heartbeat. The nurses and I had a discussion about my incontinence. I had to be naked for the surgery (gown open to the back, but no undies of any type). I had brought my diaper-bag and turned it over to a nurse, and lo-and-behold! I woke up already protected by a Northshore MegaMax that had apparently saved their bed from a small sprinkling. Of course, I had to produce at least 100 ml of urine before I could be released, which took a few hours. I'd had a full bag of Ringer's Lactate and some coffee and icewater by the time I actually managed a pee-on-command (for me, that's sitting on the toilet with a "hat" collector in it, pressing on my bladder and "pushing" as best I could). The nurse had to help me get re-diapered with a fresh one, as not only had I tinkled a litte but the OR nurse must have ripped the backing while pulling up the first one- the plastic was ripped horizontally below the waistband at the back and I had SAP & stuffing falling out. Folks don't realize how much bending and twisting goes on while diapering oneself, and I wound up needing the nurse's help getting a new one on. She was very professional and caring, showing no embarrassment nor shame, and her demeanor made the experience much better. May she be blessed! My ex-wife and I are still good friends, and she's the one who chauffered me over to Mountlake Terrace and back, then stayed with me until about 9:00 PM last night to make sure I was doing ok. We watched Marvel's Black Panther - She'd not seen it before! Bless her for putting up with all my moaning and groaning and shuffling around when I couldn't get comfortable. Being back home is good. I feel safe here, I've got my "toys" (hi-speed interwebs and TV), a good selection of a couple-hundred diapers, and my privacy (since I live alone in a 760 sq.ft. house). The only heavy thing I need to worry about is my garbage, so I'm going to move it over by the back door now and plan on taking more (smaller and much lighter) bags out. Take care and have a good one, y'all :) TinLizzie, DL in WA Jan. 07, 2020
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I don't get lonely often, but when I do I wanna bury myself in you Leave. Walk away. Give me space. I can't breathe! Missing you now more than you know Loving you hurts me too.
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Be my Distraction.
Stayed home today, dealing with a crapton of left-hip & leg pain from the squished discs in my low back. Frickin' miserable. All I want right now is distraction from my pain. The throbbing, burning, itching, freezing, unrelenting nature of it is making me think of just ending this shit life of mine. I do not have a shit life. Good job, nice little house, and can afford to live alone. Incontinence is expensive, but I manage my bills well enough that I can still afford high quality supplies as long as I don't splurge and get cases of ab/dl diapers too often. The physical pain is twisting my mind. I'm not able to get out and mow my lawn. I can't pick-up and carry a full laundry hamper, and even standing at the kitchen sink to wash dishes quickly becomes excruciating. I'm having to adapt to doing short "bursts" of things and sitting down or laying down to alleviate the pain. I'm spending more and more of my time feeling like shit, unable to concentrate, because every motion just fucking hurts. And doctors nowadays are seemingly scared shitless of helping people in pain. Even with MRI results and a referral to a surgeon, no-one has offered any help with pain management whatsoever. If you've read this far, know that I love all of you content creators. Scrolling through Tumblr and seeing people enjoying our kinks helps me keep the dream alive - that someday I'll get past this, someday I'll find my very own sweet babygirl, and that someday we'll be able to return the favor to all of you out there who enjoy original content by sharing parts of our abdl lives. Thank you, TinLizzieDL
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Someone’s getting off on flagging my posts & reblogs :(
It's dissapointing how some people seem to enjoy trying to tear down others. If you don't like what you see, why can't you just leave my tumblr? Nobody is forcing you to look at pictures of people wearing diapers. Taking your own internal conflicts and self-hatred and inflicting them on others is just a shitty thing to do. If you can't tolerate differences, you're free to leave anytime. All I can do for you is hope you get counselling that helps you learn how to adult better in the future.
#tinlizziedl#incontinence#incontinent#neurogenic incontinence#censored#stop flagging me#I'm incontinent from a spinal injury and choose to share what I share so people like me don't feel so damned alone in this world#21-oct-2019
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If I were to date someone
They would almost have to be somewhere on the spectrum of ab/dl kinkiness, themselves. Or incontinent and just treat diapers as routine underwear. Because that’s the one thing I fear ruining things. It may be my f’ed up brain, but for whatever reason, I want to be judged by my character and actions, and not what’s in my pants.
For me, it’s either diapers or multiple surgeries that’ll leave me with stomas and bags and risks of all kinds of sequelae. I’d much rather have to wear diapers than live in constant pain from implants or constant fear of infection from artificial holes in my organs.
Somehow, things would need a certain level of explicitness right at the very start. She needs to know and understand what I live with, and be willing to accept that I’ll be wearing and using diapers all the time. If we’re to build a relationship, any bumps in the road should be caused by differences in our personalities and perspectives, not the fact that I’m incontinent. We should be able to live and learn, argue and reconcile, grow and love one another, and if we decide we need to break up, have it be about flaws in our relationship, not my physical issues.
Oi! I don’t want to live lonely, and yet I actually enjoy the freedom of living alone.... If the love of my life stole my heart, I’m hoping this would actually be the most difficult thing for me to reconcile!
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Physical Therapy again
I’ve been having problems with my lower back again, and the pain is waxing and waning down my left leg. Yesterday was my initial visit with Physical Therapy (PT) and while it went ok with the person, I’m bothered by the online quiz thing he had me fill at near the end of the visit. It asked a bunch of questions about how much different things bothered me (pain wise) and how much the pain / disability are impacting normal daily activities. Including sexual activities. Of course, there’s no way to write in an answer, all I could do was make a selection. What I wish I could write in:
1: I’m incontinent. I usually have absolutely no “urge” to go, and may not even realize I’m peeing until I feel the diaper expanding and pressing against my thighs. I’ve been diagnosed with a combo of urge & overflow incontinence, but I really feel that the word “urge” is being misused here because it’s my spastic bladder feeling the urge, while the rest of me doesn’t feel the signal.
2: I’m also incontinent of stool, though I do have a little more sensation and can at least tell that I’m about to poo. I can’t stop it though. When it happens, you’ll see me grabbing my diaper-bag and making a beeline for the restroom. 99.9% of the time there will be a mess in my diaper by the time I get there.
3: I’ve not had sex since my neck injury, over 10 years ago. That’s when the incontinence started. My body was in flux for about a year after that, and I didn’t even get an erection for over 6 months. Even with an erection, I found it was almost impossible to reach orgasm, though. This is a small part of what eventually ended my marriage. The psychological factors of what I was going through were really what f’ed me up and I just kept pulling farther and farther away.
4: Masturbation is a sometime thing for me. 12 years after this all started, I still have difficulty getting a full erection. Masturbating is almost a workout in and of itself, involving mental gymnastics and lots of physical things like using a plug to stimulate my prostate and lots of pressure around my penis during stroking. It’s a lack of sensation thing. I cannot feel feather-lite touches at all down there.
5: I’ll manage to get my rocks off usually about twice a month, but no guarantees. Sometimes I’ll go for a couple months without orgasming if trying to get there is too tiring or painful.
6: I’m way to sensitive and fearful of getting burned by anyone I’m interested in to actually try to make a go of it. I don’t know how to date in general, am scared to flirt, and lack the self-esteem needed to keep putting myself out there. A big fear is that my date will want to have some sexy times and instantly break off the relationship when she learns of my incontinence and sexual difficulties. This has happened to me once, and I almost jumped off a rooftop. I’m not sure I’m mentally strong enough to try again.
I really wish there was a way to bypass questions about my sexuality. I’ve got mental-health issues on top of my physical issues on top of my mental health issues mixed up with my physical issues. None of this even addresses the fact that I’ve known I didn’t want to be male since I was about 5 years old and endured psychological hell surrounding that realization ever since. If I were female, I’d be lesbian with a very slight leaning towards bisexuality. 99.9% of men turn me off, but every once in a blue moon I see a guy I’d love to have “bang” me. Mostly, I wish I could share sexy times with a woman, as a woman. Almost every time I’ve reached orgasm, its while imagining myself as female with my female lover, as she takes the initiative and encourages me in exploring our bodies together.
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I wanna hear
a step behind me
I wanna feel
your hands on my ribs
I wanna hear
you inhale against my neck
I wanna feel
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Pain management medication research needs to speed the fuck up.
Every day we keep hearing more and more about the opioid epidemic and how many people are dying from overdoses and our attempts at placing blame and extracting money from the principle players in the market.
What we’re not hearing about are the attempts to replace opioids with anything else for people who are living with chronic pain from physical injuries. I wanna shout a big, “WTF!” at any researchers who are looking at this... and I want to hear about any progress being made in finding pharmacologic therapies.
Living with constant pain really fucking sucks, folks, and my mask is cracking more every damned day :( Now all the doctors I see are scared to prescribe the only medications that have helped me when it flairs up to the point I’m laying on the floor crying, unable to even take care of personal hygiene issues until it dies down.
I want some of these “no meds at any cost” folks to try living my life during a bad week. Fucking ignorant assholes.
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Wishing I were...
What do you think you see of me when scrolling through my tumblr? My interest in diapers? In women? In diapered women? A dash of women into omo and wet pants?
Well, ok, but that’s only a single facet. Has anyone read my text posts #tinlizziedl ?
I’m a confused mess. What most people don’t realize is that I don’t post images of women I’d like to have sexy-times with. I post images of who and what I’ve wished I was ever since I was about 5 years old.
Being male is all I currently know how to be. Is the time coming when I’ll finally piece together enough courage to begin exploring who I’ve dreamed of being since I was a child?
I’ve often joked with people I’m close to that I’m a lesbian born into the wrong body. As an apparently cis-male, it’s funny just how safe that statement is when made amongst male friends, because all they perceive of it is the desire to possess a woman, which in their minds is perfectly natural for a guy. What flies right over their heads is the connotation that I want to love a woman, and be loved by a woman, *as* a woman. Once in a blue moon, one of my guy friends will begin to catch on a little, I think. He’ll pull back a tiny bit, maybe look at me kinda funny for a moment, then he’ll shake his head and I can hear that inner “nah... can’t be” they’re saying to themselves. It’s impossible for me to convey the sense of sadness I feel when that happens... when the lightbulb glimmers for a moment then goes dark again as they reject THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF WHAT I SAID in favor of their own biased preconceptions. And if you think cis-women are any more observant, my experience begs to differ. A few more might catch on to the nuance of what I said, but the vast majority see a male with a dick and that’s all they see.
When I imagine sexy-times with someone, 98% of the time we’re both female. That other 2% is me being female, with a guy. Yes, once in a while I see a guy and think to myself, “daaaaayuuuum, if he walks up any closer...” and then I realize I just arched my back for him 0.0
Yes, I’m a confused mess.
That’s why I repost images of women. Imagining myself to be them helps me feel right for a few minutes at least. And then my mask is back on, and the cis-male performance art begins again. After all, I’ve spent 46 years of my life perfecting that act.
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Day 4 of Snowmageddon
Bremerton, WA is still pretty much shut down. I lost power at my house last night at about 8:10 PM. My internet has been down for four days (Xfinity-Comcast). I’m typing this on my laptop, in my van. Using a small inverter for power to charge my laptop, phone, and a flashlight. Right now I’m sitting in a Starbucks parking lot on Kitsap Way because everything is still closed. At least I’m in range of their wifi!
The snow we got is now a dense, slushy mess. I totaled about 16 inches at home before it started changing to half snow / half rain. The big concern now are all the flat-ish roofs around here collapsing from the weight.
I have chains on my van, but getting around on the side street I live on is a royal pain. I need to reset my chains (they’re not the best, and are difficult to tighten properly) before I try heading anywhere else.
Being incontinent is a pain, but at least I have gobs of diapers and wipes. Thank God Fed-Ex got my shipment delivered before the snow started last week. Three cases from Northshore :)
Stay safe & warm out there!
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Disintegrating Rugs
Arrgh! Well, I used to love my bathroom rugs, but now I’m not so happy with them. This is the third time they’ve been in the washing machine, and they’re falling apart all over the place. Had to wipe-out the machine because of the piles of lint and threads left all over in it. Hopefully it doesn’t clog anything...
And yes, this is another joy of incontinence, people. Accidents happen at the bathroom sink :( That’s why I keep Clorox wipes and paper towels handy in the cupboard right below the bath towels.
You haven’t lived until you’ve sneezed while brushing your teeth.
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