#to anyone who is confused - carl has a kid named andrea in the comics

[sockatine]

The Scent of Lavender

((My first self insert fanfic to be posted here! I'll be using the name Califia "Cali" Morales for myself. Paired up with Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead. Takes place in season 2.))

Light. Sunlight? Yes, that's sunlight. The room is white. Why is it white?

Voices are talking to her. Who are these voices? Obviously they must be her family; mom and dad, to be precise. Sitting up and rubbing her eyes, yawning and stretching, still not completely awake or aware. Even as her eyes fully opened, she had to rub them again. These people's voices still washing over her like white noise, or nighttime ambiance.

Nothing was registering quite yet, until an old man sat at her bedside and asked, in a comforting and gentle tone. "Can you tell us your name?"

That's when it all hit her. With watering eyes, she asked: "Where am I?"

...

When they found this girl passed out in the woods, it was nothing short of strange. She'd fallen out of a tree at Rick's feet, startling him. He checked her pulse, shook her in attempt to wake her up, but nothing. She was still perfectly alive, minus perhaps starving and bruised. And he carried her back to the RV, deciding it was the right thing to do. After all, Rick himself had been in a coma and woken up to an apocalypse. This was a personal sense of sympathy in him.

Needless to say, after much argument, she was allowed to stay. They put her in the bed of the RV and hoped that at some point, she'd come to. Enter their arrival at Hershel's, having one kid shot and the other still missing, along with the mysterious coma-girl. This was enough to get Hershel to allow them all to stay until everything with the group was a-okay.

Now, that she had finally woken up, she'd have to be comforted a bit before getting any answers. It's not like anyone would take it very well when they find they've been in a coma in a tree for god knows how long. "I'm gonna ask you again, and I want you to take a deep breath or two before you answer; What is your name?"

She did take a few deep breaths, as needed. "Califia..."

"Califia?"

"Yes... Califia Morales."

"Alright, Miss. Now, I'm gonna call in the people that found you, so you can give them the answers they want. Is that okay with you?"

"... yes."

Really, it wasn't. None of this was okay, but she knew she needed to give answers to the people who potentially saved her life. The memories were flooding back to her once Hershel called in Rick and some others to meet her. Rick was of course, the one to ask questions and recieve answers.

"Do you remember what happened before you got yourself up in that tree?"

"... There was a crash. A bus crash. A-and I... I don't remember what happened after. I-I know my family wasn't with me, they... don't live in Georgia..."

"Alright. What else do you remember?"

"I... was by myself. Out by myself... dead people were walking a-and hunting me..."

"Uh-huh..."

"I killed some. I tried calling my parents a-and... and-and-"

A deep inhale, and a pause.

"... I kept walking. I lived off what was in my bag, and gathering wild plants. More dead people came and, I went up the tree... but I don't know why I was asleep... I don't..."

"Hey, hey. Don't worry about that. We'll... we'll get you settled. Once we leave, you'll be coming with us."

"I... thanks. Can I go outside now?"

"Yeah, yeah sure."

...

She was sitting by herself, gathering some lavender after a nice, long cry. It was a lot to take in, really. That she had no idea how her family in California was doing. And it would be easier for her to cope with having been all alone, than to realize she'd been completely useless to a group of people who were kind enough to save her. How long had she been dead weight? Was it ungrateful to believe she should've died.

"What's that 'cha got?"

She almost flinched, turning to see some guy looming over her. Must've been one of the group. "... Lavender."

"You always go 'round pickin flowers?"

"It's for tea... I'm sorry, have we met, or...?"

"I'm Daryl."

"Califia. But call me Cali. It's, uh... nice to meet you."

She stood up, holding her hand out for a handshake. Better than just awkwardly talking, crouching over a bush. Daryl shook it, to at least adding something to keep the conversation from getting too awkward. "So, we found you in a tree..."

"Uh, yeah. I... eheh. I guess I figured it was a good way to avoid walkers. They can't seem to climb for shit, really. So, uhm... is there l-like a job or something I should be getting to, or-"

"Hell if I know."

"O-oh. Well, if you need anything... like, anything at all, I'm right here..."

"Right..."

Daryl left ger to her business.

"Oh, uh... it was nice meeting you!" She added. He didn't respond.

Daryl hadn't much of an opinion on her. She seemed nice enough, but frankly he hadn't any idea how good or bad of an addition she'd be. And frankly, nothing she did or said was anything remarkable, noteworthy, or eyecatching. Cali, as she insisted on being called, was short, pudgy, baby faced, and from every other angle Daryl could see, she looked like walker bait. At least she was smart enough to get in a tall place to avoid them, but perhaps she might not be much for fighting back or wilderness survival.

Nonetheless, he'd be willing to see if she could prove herself. It's not like she's useless.

A few days went by, and Daryl noticed a pattern. When given chores by the other members of the group, Cali would attend to them quietly without ever wanting help. Her voice was always soft and meek when she asked for anything, which was rare in itself. Without fail, around dusk, Cali was always sitting at the lavender bush. Either to pick more, or to sit with a notebook. A diary? And she was drinking that tea she said the lavender was for at night, but also in certain times in the afternoon.

Lavender tea was for sleep, and calming nerves. Daryl knew this because of his mom's old remedies she'd use, when he was just a kid.

So far, he'd deducted that Cali was dead meat if she were to go out on her own. She could make it for a certain amount of time, but her nerves would get the best of her and make her clumsy. Ergo, she's walker bait.

...

It was getting lonely, for Cali. She fancied being alone, but not being lonely. But she was tragically insecure; unwilling to talk about her interests with the other ladies, unable to even approach any of the men. The closest she could get was watching Carl when Lori wasn't, and neither one of them actually talked much to her. So logically, Cali wanted some validation out of being useful.

To be frank, the only person Cali really considered approaching and making friends with was Daryl. He also seemed to be partial to being alone, after all. But it's not like he would ever want to activately be friends with her anyway, right? Cali wrote and drew, she was into books and fantasy and mythology. She was a nerd. A total geek. And what was Daryl? Manly as hell, outdoorsy, and a goddamn hunter.

That didn't change the fact though, that when Daryl finally came back with Sophia's doll, Cali was most certainly concerned. She could see him from her lavender bush, he looked absolutely terrible. And it didn't help that Andrea shot him, to which Cali promptly responded with a "What the fuck!?" of disbelief.

As everyone rushed over to help, Cali wasn't really needed. She asked, but Rick told her that all too familiar phrase: "We got this, thanks." But no, she didn't want to be excluded. She wanted to at least do something. To overtly express that she wanted to help and be part of the group; but so far it had all gone from her being too afraid to talk to anyone, to everyone excluding her by assuming she didn't care for anyone.

So Cali decided to do something about it. At least one thing. One nice thing for someone.

So she visited Daryl, inside Hershel's house. With a small gift. Some lavender, with a paper wrapped around it. While he was asleep, she slipped it onto the nightstand.

...

"Hey, Cali!"

She was at the lavender bush again, with her notebook, whipping around to see Daryl holding her gift. "Y-yeah?"

"... you wrote this? Daryl unfolded the paper. It was a poem:

You carry us far Through all your scars Of old and new, Through sun and stars

Take your rest Feel happiness For it's worthwhile to us all

"... Is it bad?"

Daryl sighed in disbelief, taking a seat next to her. "Nah, that ain't it..."

"I didn't mean to bother you, I just wanted to get you a get well-"

"Why though?" "Huh?"

"You're always sitting out here. You got you're notebook, your head in the clouds. Ya don't talk to nobody-"

"I'm sorry."

"-and you apologize for it. What the hell do you do out here?"

She paused, stuck between just dying on the spot or coughing up the notebook. "I... draw. And I write." She handed the notebook to him, so he could go through it himself.

In it were various practice sketches, poems, characters, and unfinished stories. It was a chaotic mess of creation, full of concepts and ideas that may never be fully fleshed out. "It's just weird nerdy stuff... I-I really like mythology, and uh... comics..."

"... This is what you were hiding all this time?" "Yeah..."

Daryl closed the notebook, handing it back to Cali.

"... What use you think any of that has, anyway?"

"I... wait, what do you mean?"

"I mean now that dead people are walking around eating people. How's any of that gonna help?"

Cali paused, thinking for a moment. Not necessarily on what to answer, but rather how to word the answer out. Such a question wasn't one that confused her very much.

"... Well, we got survival down. If we're hungry, we can pick plants and kill animals. If we're tired, we can make a shelter that's safe. But... what's the point of it all?"

"... That doesn't answer my question."

She gave him a look. For once, it was a more assertive look; like what she was about to say was something painfully obvious. Like he should have known, by now. "Animals survive. Humans live. And what's the point of surviving if you can't live?" She tapped her notebook. "This here is... how I live."

Cali opened up the notebook, flipping to a page in which she was drawing a kraken. "So that's why I'm always here with my notebook. It's quiet so I can focus, and it smells nice with the lavender here. So there."

The conversation ended there, and she expected Daryl to once again take his leave. But, he didn't. He was still sitting there, watching her doodle away. Her drawing wasn't particularly amazing, but... it was okay. He could tell she wasn't actually paying him much mind. Just, focused on her work. But Cali knew he was there, watching. She just had yet to realize she was fine with it.

And they just kind of stayed like that for a while. Sitting in silence at the lavender bush.

((Special thanks to @kiksselfships for encouraging me most to embrace my self insertion, and @skollwriting for giving me the match up that inspired this new ship))

#self insert #self ship #twd #twd daryl #daryl dixon #fanfic #self indulgent stuff

[lefilmdujour]

Another 500th movie celebration

My Tumblr just reached the 1000 movies mark, so I figured it’s time I write something about my last 2 and a half years of movie viewings and recommend 50 more movies out of the ones I’ve seen since the last 500th movie celebration.

Times have been strange in the last couple of years, and my movie habits have reflected it. There have been times when watching films was all I would do, but there have also been moments of complete disconnection from the medium. I went from watching several movies every day to spending months avoiding anything to do with sitting through a movie. 

Part of it had to do with the space I share with my demons, but mostly there has been a change of pace. My laptop died, it took me months to get another one only to also die on me. On the other hand, an enormous chunk of my viewings have been in cinemas or squats, which is a very positive change but led me to watch more recent films in detriment of classics or ancient underappreciated gems. I also got my first TV in over a decade this month, and my very first Netflix account last week, so I may be exploring streaming a bit more, although so far I am not finding the experience  at all satisfying. All pointless excuses since I went through 500+ movies in a little over two years, which is not bad at all.

It was hard to pick only 50 movies this time, and the list would have probably looked a little different if I did it tomorrow. Regardless, here are 50 movies I recommend, and why. Random order, all deserving of love and attention.

Ghost World (Terry Zwigoff) - This movie is unfairly  ignored in the best comic book adaptation lists out there on the internet. The opening scene is memorable, the soundtrack is a lesson in early Blues, and the characters are quirky and well written.

Hate (Mathieu Kassovitz) - An absolute classic about the class system in France and its tendency to end up in riots. Beautiful shot and highly quotable. Saw it a few times, the last of them with a live score from Asian Dub Foundation. One of the greats.

Audition (Takashi Miike) - Whenever I’m asked about my favorite horror movie, I tend to fall back on this one. Audition is very slow, starting out soft but with an underlying tension that builds until the absolutely gut-wrenching finale that makes us question our own sanity. Brilliant subversion of the “hear, don’t see” rule, just the though of some of the sounds used in the most graphic scenes still send shivers down my spine.

Kedi (Ceyda Torun) - A Turkish documentary about street cats, what’s there not to like?

Sympathy for Lady Vengeance (Park Chan-wook) - The third in the loosely-connected Vengeance trilogy by Park Chan-wook, and my favorite of the bunch, especially the Fade to Black and White edition, in which the movie very gradually loses color as the violence grows. A visual masterpiece.

Paterson (Jim Jarmusch) - The poetry of routine. Adam Driver is one hell of an actor.

Love Me If You Dare (Yann Samuell) - Two people that obviously love each other but are not mature enough to follow it through. Frustrating. Beautiful. Made me sob.

The Exterminating Angel (Luis Buñuel) - I am realizing that a good part of this list deals with frustration. A group of people finds themselves unable to leave a party for no apparent reason. Buñuel is a genious in surrealism, I have yet to watch most of his Mexican period.

The Mutants (Teresa Villaverde) - Kids on the run from themselves. Strong visuals, very moving interactions at times. A hard but very rewarding watch. Teresa Villaverde’s entire filmography also gets a seal of approval.

Bad Education (Pedro Almodóvar) - A movie about sexuality and problematic relationships, taken to unbelievable extremes.

The Death of Mr. Lazarescu (Cristi Puiu) - The adventures of Mr. Lazarescu as he struggles to find help for the sudden pain he feels and ends up being passed on from hospital to hospital. Felt very real. Sold as a comedy, but I found it terrifying. 

The Killing of a Sacred Deer (Yorgos Lanthimos) - A classic greek tragedy brought to the modern age. My favorite Lanthimos film, ranking slightly below Dogtooth. The deadpan acting and the unnerving sound serves as wonderful misdirection.

It’s Such a Beautiful Day (Don Hertzfeldt) - Three shorts stitched together to create a confusing, philosophical, absurd, funny and deep masterpiece. The animation skills of Don Hertzfeldt needs more recognition.

Amores Perros (Alejandro González Iñárritu) - A movie so good it didn’t even had an English name. Three tales of love, violence and loss, all linked by a dog.

Endless Poetry (Alejandro Jodorowsky) - Jodorowsky’s romanticized auto-biography, played by his own sons.Bohemian and poetic.

The Passion of Joan of Arc (Carl Theodor Dreyer) - Show this movie to someone who refuses to watch silent movies. The acting is so impactful and emotional, and the use of close ups was highly unusual for the time. A 90-plus years old masterpiece.

Everything is Illuminated (Liev Schreiber) - Sunflowers.

Dunkirk (Christopher Nolan) - I have a soft spot for war movies, as to remind myself how brutal people can be to their fellow man and how meaningless the concept of nations truly is. This movie in particular achieves greatness due to its usage of sound, the best I’ve heard in recent memory.

Vagabond (Agnès Varda) - Be careful of what you wish for yourself, you may end up frozen and miserable in a ditch (spoilers for literally the first few seconds of the film).

Stroszek (Werner Herzog) - I know Herzog mostly through his documentaries. His voice brings me the feeling of a deranged grandpa sharing stories of a reality tainted by dementia. I have yet to explore his fiction work in-depth, and this has been my starting point. Stroszek is bleak and desperate but humor still shines through it at times. Ian Curtis allegedly hung himself after watching it. Not sure if this story is real, but it once more feeds into the Herzog myth.

HyperNormalization (Adam Curtis) - Put together through found footage and newscasts, HyperNormalization is an unforgiving study on how we got to where we currently are. Fake becomes real. Trust is an abandoned concept. “They've undermined our confidence in the news that we are reading/And they make us fight each other with our faces buried deep inside our phones”, as AJJ sings in Normalization Blues. Which you should also check out.

Chicken with Plums (Marjane Satrapi & Vincent Paronnaud) - A man decides to die, so he goes to bed and waits. An apparent simple plot that uncovers a world of beauty and poetry, as life passes slowly through the man’s eyes.

The Florida Project (Sam Baker) - William Dafoe was born to play the role of a motel manager. He is so natural in his role that I think he would actually be great in that job. The rest of the movie is great too, but his performance is the highlight for me.

Lucky (John Carroll Lynch) - Speaking of great performances, Lucky is Harry Dean Stanton’s final movie and a great send off. IMDB describes it best: “The spiritual journey of a ninety-year-old atheist.“

Paris, Texas (Wim Wenders) - More Harry Dean Stanton. The desert plays a more than decorative role in this wonderful movie, representing the emptiness that comes from estrangement. A story about reunion and all that can come from it.

On Chesil Beach (Dominic Cooke) - I sometimes cry in movies, but this one shook me to the core. A play on expectations and reactions and their devastating impact on relationships. We all fuck up sometimes. Try not to fuck up like these characters did, not on that level, you will never be able to make up for it.

The Royal Tenenbaums (Wes Anderson) - An absolute classic. A movie about the concept of family.

No Country for Old Men (Coen Brothers) - Murder mysteries and bad haircuts.

Dawson City: Frozen Time (Bill Morrison) - I highly recommend this documentary for anyone who professes their love for cinema. The story of how hundreds of lost silent movies were preserved though sheer luck and human stupidity. Seeing these damaged frames coming back to life is truly magical.

Mandy (Panos Cosmatos) - Some films turn into cult experiences through the years, some selected few are already born that way. Mandy is a psychedelic freak-out and Nicholas Cage fits like a glove in its weirdness. If you didn’t catch it while in cinemas, you’re already missing out on the full experience. Mandy is filled with film grain, which adds to the hallucinogenic experience with its continuous movement, a feature that does not translate when transferred to a digital medium. 

City of God (Fernando Meirelles & Kátia Lund) - A masterpiece of Brazilian cinema, very meaningful and relatable if you grew up in a similar environment. One of the most quotable films in my memory, something that gets lost in translation if you don’t speak Portuguese. My Tumblr is mostly pictures because I “só sei lê só as figura”.

Loro (Paolo Sorrentino) - On the topic of languages, I watched this Italian movie with Dutch subtitles, by mistake. It is actually an interesting exercise, watching something without fully grasping every word and letting your mind patch the pieces together to make a coherent narrative. Impressive cinematography, amazing script. I learned a lot about corruption, not everyone has a price. I also learned I can speak Italian now.

Roma (Alfonso Cuarón) - Beautiful shot, every frame of it can be turned into a picture. Roma is about the meaning of family, seen from the eyes of someone who will never be part of it. A lot of people considered this movie boring and pointless. These people probably have maids at home.

Bad Times at the El Royale (Drew Goddard) - Engaging heist movie, well developed characters, amazing soundtrack.

Melancholia (Lars von Trier) - The World is coming to an end and the date and time has been announced. How would you react to these news? Would it matter?

Climax (Gaspar Noé) - A very scary experience, equal parts trippy and evil like all Gaspar Noé’s movies. A dark ballet that that shocks and confuses the senses. Dante’s Inferno.

Fish Tank (Andrea Arnold) - A strong story about ambitions, neglect and survival. Katie Jarvis is very realistic in her performance, a little too much judging by her history after the movie.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (Ana Lily Amirpour) - An Iranian feminist movie about vampirism and records. Watched it with live score from The Black Heart Rebellion for extra cool points.

Another Day of Life (Raul de la Fuente & Damian Nenow) - Based on Ryszard Kapuściński‘s autobiography, Another Day of Life consists of rotoscopic animation sprinkled with interviews. A look at the Cold War in the African continent, and an important watch for everyone, especially Portuguese and Angolan nationals.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (Quentin Tarantino) - Rich in dialogues and paced very slowly until the insane climax, this is probably the best Tarantino film after Pulp Fiction. Filled to the brim with cinematic references, it’s a delight to all film nerds. Looking forward for an Bud Spencer/Terrence Hill film adaption with Leonardo Dicaprio and Brad Pitt after this.

The Beach Bum (Harmony Korine) - Google’s top voted tags: Boring. Mindless. Cringe-Worthy. Forgettable. Slow. Illogical. Looks like this movie didn’t resonate well with the audiences, but then again Harmony Korine’s stuff is not for the masses. I personally think this is one of his best movies, a true exercise on nihilism. The main character is lovable and detestable in equal parts, and every action is pointless. Such is life, the only meaning it has is attributed by yourself.

The Mirror (Andrei Tarkovsky) - A man reflects on his life. Memories tend to get fuzzy, conflicting and confusing. More like a poem than a narrative. A dreamy masterpiece.

The Spirit of the Beehive (Víctor Erice) - The most charming child of this list, she couldn’t memorize the names of the characters she interacted with so they were changed to the names of the actual actors. The innocence of childhood in dark times.

A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence (Roy Andersson) - A series of absurd vignettes connected by a pair of novelty items salesmen and their struggle to bring a smile to a grey World. Slow, but humorous and delightful. An unconventional and memorable ride.

Man Bites Dog (Rémy Belvaux, André Bonzel & Benoît Poelvoorde) - Fake documentary about a serial killer. Heavy, gruesome and hard to watch, despite the false sense of humor in some scenes.A glimpse at the darkness of human nature.

Tangerine (Sean Baker) - Shot with cell phones. A story about love, gender and friendship. Funny, sad, touching.

The Guilty (Gustav Möller) - Focused on a shift of an emergency dispatcher, the camera focuses only on his face and phone interactions with the callers.A very effective thriller, its setting leads us to create our own narratives just to subvert them at the most unexpected times.

Cold War (Paweł Pawlikowski) - Loosely inspired in Pawlikowski’s parents, Cold War is a beautiful love story set against impossible odds. Powerful and heartbreaking. 

Parasite (Bong Joon-ho) - Poor family scams rich family. Rich family takes advantage of poor family. Everybody feeds off of everyone. Drama/Comedy/Thriller/Horror/Romance about control, delivered in a masterclass on cinematic rhythm. Best film of its year for me.

The Straight Story (David Lynch) - More than the fact that this movie is radically different than the remaining Lynch work, The Straight Story is a wonderful exercise in pacing and storytelling. Mr. Straight’s stories allow us to fill in the blanks with our imagination, and their impact in him is also felt in us. An underappreciated gem in its apparent simplicity.

Thank you very much for reading.

#yay me #Movie Recommendation