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#to try to gain weight but its not working
cordeliawhohung · 16 hours
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Of Sea Foam and Iron [3]
general masterlist | series masterlist | taglist
Hephaestus!ghost x Aphrodite!reader x Ares!soap
a storm hits
wc: 3.9k
warnings: historical au with lots of inaccuracies, mythology!au, nudity, talk of war and gore
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Cold linens awaited you when you truly woke from your rest as John and Simon’s presence had dissipated.
There was no chin to rest against the top of your head, or a strong chest to press against your back. In fact, the only proof that they had ever been there at all was their lingering scent on your skin. You closed your eyes as soon as they fluttered open, trying to draw back the memory of their hands on your waist and the comforting weight that accompanied it. It was only a pale imitation of the real thing, and it left your chest yearning for something you knew you would never gain the courage to ask for. 
When your eyes opened for a second time, they did so with a great huff from your lungs. Pale sunlight and a strong breeze drifted through the cracks of the closed shutters, and though salt was always ever present in the air, you could smell the promise of rain hiding underneath the brine. It would be a good day to stay inside. 
Usually you didn’t need your himation in the warm summer months, but without the golden sun to warm the house, a heavy chill pricked at your body. You wrapped the thick wool around your shoulders before you descended downstairs on creaky steps. Simon was already hard at work for the day, and you hardly got halfway to the landing before you heard his hammer echo with its metallic clink in the courtyard. All Simon had done since the day the two of you were bound together in matrimony was work. In the beginning, you were certain that it was to distance himself from you — his unruly wife — but once John returned home you thought he would allow himself to rest. Yet, it seemed as if that’s all the man ever wanted to do. 
“Mornin’ little dove,” John grinned. 
A strong fire blazed in the central hearth of the home where dancing flames attempted to lick John’s back as he sat faced away from his hard work. Blue eyes sparkled with a warmth that rivaled the fire behind him, and you almost felt a smile flitter across your lips. There was nothing different from his gaze that morning compared to the previous day, yet his fingers twitched as they rested on his bent knees as if they searched for something.
“Morning,” you replied, voice meek as you adjusted your himation. 
Johnny’s hand slipped off of his knee where he patted the hearth next to him invitingly. “Come, get warm.” 
Your bare feet hardly made a sound against the floor as you crossed into the threshold. Each step brought the warmth of the flames along your legs where they dethawed your cold toes and fingers. John watched you with careful eyes as you situated yourself on the stone slab next to him, and he hummed once you settled. Heat prickled up your spine and it chased away the residual morning cold that clung to your body; though, you were unable to tell if that was because of the fire, or because of John. 
“Rain is coming,” he said. His head tilted back to look up at the ceiling as if it were the sky instead. “A storm, maybe.” 
Over the roaring of the fire behind you, a dull roll of thunder grumbled somewhere in the distance. It was not frequent that your city received storms, as Poseidon often smiled upon you. Though one could argue he was angry, if the storm was mild, perhaps he only sent the rain to assist with the farmers and their crops. 
“That would be nice,” you mused. 
John chuckled warmly. “You like the rain?”
“I think so,” you answered. “I like the water. The ocean.” 
“A fine thing to love.” 
Instinct told you to look at him, yet you refrained from doing so. Despite the familiarity in the tone of conversation, John was still a stranger to you. Some man who had returned only yesterday to embrace your husband while dressed to gut enemies. Still, he was kind, but despite the fire at your back, you were silent and cold. 
“I… wanted to talk more about yesterday,” John continued through your silence. “I’m sure you still have many questions, as Simon isn’t the most prolific.” 
“Prolific?” you repeated with your snark hardly restrained. “He’s spoken a handful of words to me since we’ve been married.” 
“Like I said, quiet,” he repeated with a poorly hidden laugh. “Though, I wasn’t much help prompting answers from him yesterday, either. Dead on my feet after traveling. Took us just short of a fortnight to arrive home.” 
John rubbed at his eyes as if the exhaustion still plagued his vision, and yet even with his movement you did not glance at him once. Looking at someone often brought a weakness about you that you had difficulty conquering. There was something about their eyes that had you see the humanity within them, no matter how hard they tried to hide it. You would have hated to crumble in front of him. 
“Well,” you prodded, “perhaps you can get an explanation out of him, then. He spoke not a word of your existence and then introduced you as my second husband? Such terrible madness.” 
“I already got an explanation out of him this morning while you slept,” he sighed. “Which is why I want to talk to you. I’m better at explaining things than Simon is.” 
Bewildered, you finally allowed your eyes to fall on John. “Must you be so casual about this? Was this not a surprise to you? Coming home to your husband having wedded himself illegally to someone else?” 
“Simon is not my husband.” 
Your expression betrayed the icy exterior you used to conceal that softness inside. It was difficult to tell if it was because of your confusion, but you found your heart aching at those words. John could not look at you when he said them, and though they left his tongue with ease his tone was soaked in a somberness that burned. 
“Soldiers aren’t permitted to marry,” he explained, blue eyes trained on the floor in front of him. “They say love gets in the way. Muddles things up. Soldiers have only one duty, and it’s to the state.” 
He paused.
“I would have liked to have married him.” 
If it wasn’t for the pain in his voice, you would have been afraid. The lost longing painted you to be the ruiner; the pitiful being that tainted something that had not gotten the opportunity to bloom. A desert-like dryness settled on your tongue. It tasted worse than sand. It was bitter, grainy, and promised to end you. 
“I’m sorry,” was all you could say. 
“Don’t be,” John said with an attempt at humor. “I told him to find a wife. To get married. Have children. I would have hated for him to wait around forever just for me.” 
“Could you not have waited? I thought soldiers were only required to serve for two years,” you pondered. 
John hummed again. He did that often, as if song better suited his ideas than mere words. Thick fingers pressed into the joints of his wrists as he massaged tired muscles and traced faded scars before answering you. 
“Most only serve for two years, yes,” he concurred. “But, you don’t earn the name Ares’s Dog by serving the minimum. My heart is here in the city, but my home is in the viscera leftover from battle.” 
He paused as he twisted his torso to look behind him. A large hand reached for a split log in the pile just next to the fire, and John expertly tossed it into the flames. The fire cracked loudly, content with its meal. 
“No. I told him to marry, so it wasn’t quite the surprise when I came home and you were already here,” he explained as he repositioned himself. “Find a wife. Start a family. And if his wife would have me too, then I would stay. But it seems things weren’t that simple considering your… situation.” 
“Yes,” you concurred, voice soft. “It wasn’t… proper.” 
“Simon told me what your father had to do to protect you. I’m sorry you had to witness such gore,” Johnny consoled. “I understand why he would hastily marry you off to Simon if it meant having the protection you deserve. And, well, knowing Simon as well as I do, he didn’t hesitate at all in marrying you if it meant aiding you.” 
A scoff tore through your vocal chords so fierce it left a sour aftertaste on your tongue. John spoke of Simon as if he were Apollo himself, guiding the sun across the sky to bring light and warmth to the soil beneath your feet. You were certain that John’s feelings towards Simon weren’t unfounded at all, but though he had never been cruel or unkind to you in any way, he was not loving. Not to you, anyway. 
“Could have fooled me,” you spat. “I feel like a ghost in this house. At least he avoids me like one.” 
Despite your sour attitude and words, John only chuckled. 
“His love is strange, yes,” he said. “It’s still new to him; love. Being vulnerable. Something he was never granted before. He’ll keep his distance, if you let him. I swear to you, you’ll find no finer man than him.” 
Another roll of thunder shook the sky. It was stronger than the quiet whisper of one you heard minutes earlier, and it all but demanded attention. Both you and John looked up to the ceiling, and moments later the soft trickle of rain engulfed the house. Though none of the windows were open, you pulled your himation closer to you as if to stave off the breeze that beat at the shudders. The thick wool soaked up the heat of the fire like a sponge, keeping you well insulated despite the impending storm. 
A content sigh left John as he carefully pushed himself to his feet. Soft trails of goosebumps prickled across his skin as he stepped away from the fire and into the cold, but he didn’t stray far before turning to face you once more. His hands reached for you where they hovered in the air, patiently waiting for you to accept his offer. 
“Come. We should eat,” he urged.  
It was not your first time putting your hands in his. He always seemed to want to hold you and gently guide you as if you did not know any better. Still, you accepted his assistance as he pulled you from the hearth. Somehow, his hands were warmer than the flames, and though you were standing on your own, he refused to let you go. 
“I meant what I said earlier,” he said, blue eyes boring into you. “I told Simon to find a wife, and if she would have me, then I would stay. If you do not wish for me to be here, say the word, little dove. Your father might have wanted for you to be under my protection, but I will not share a bed with a woman who would want someone else. I will leave no mark on this place when I go, if that’s what you wish.” 
No response rose in your mind or throat at his reminder, but a heavy fit of remorse weighed on your chest. He spoke those words as if he were the intruder. As if he had not loved Simon and lived in that house long before you ever came around. It was difficult to tell if you had fully accepted the idea that you lived with two men; though even if you hadn’t, it was something your father obviously wanted for you. Still, even if you didn’t want him around, you would not deny him the flesh and warmth of his lover. 
“Stay,” you said, voice quiet. 
John’s smile was the warmest you had ever seen. No hint of lust or darkness; only a pure appreciation for your kindness, something you felt like you weren’t capable of those days. His tongue darted out between his lips as if in anticipation, and you ignored the way it made your stomach churn. 
“Then it is done.” 
Trickling rain continued into the afternoon before it started to swell into a proper storm. Whistling wind became near deafening as it threatened to pull the house apart, and it wasn’t until the sky was black with clouds that Simon finally ceased his work and took shelter inside. With the amount of water that dripped from his clothes when he came limping into the kitchen for lunch, you were surprised he hadn’t drowned out there. Strands of hair stuck to his forehead and down the nape of his neck, and his chiton clung to his body in a way that certainly wasn’t comfortable. His frigid skin tinged pink with his scars extra angry and puffy. 
Both you and John looked up from your food at the sopping wet mess of a man who dirtied the kitchen. Simon’s chest heaved with fatigue, and his feet hardly lifted from the ground as he meandered towards John. 
“How’s the weather?” John asked facetiously. 
“Frustrating,” Simon huffed. “Can’t keep a goddamn fire lit or burnin’ hot enough.”
He paused once he approached John’s side, eyes focused on the plate of food in front of him. Without a word, he snatched a fair size of cured meat off of it before taking a bite and turning around. Simon continued his pitiful shuffle as he exited the kitchen, shoulders hunched and legs shaking. John did not appear to mourn the loss of his food, yet his eyes stayed trained unwavering on his lover’s body as he rounded the corner. 
“He seems upset,” you noted. 
“He’s in pain,” John explained. 
A clash of thunder sounded just as John rose from his chair, and he left his plate behind as he began to rummage for something around the stove. Its embers ebbed and waved with brilliant scarlet light, and it almost danced to life in flames when John knelt before it. He retrieved two medium sized, semi-flat stones tucked into the stonework and placed them on the small hearth next to the dying embers. Nodding to himself, he then turned to you, worry etched deep in his face. 
“Wait a few minutes, then grab these stones and bring them up to our chamber,” he asked while his feet began to wander out of the room. “They’ll be hot, so grab them with cloth. Take care not to burn yourself.” 
Without another word, he vanished out of the room where you then heard his feet stomping up the stairs moments later. Rain refused to quiet nor waver even as you carefully cleaned up yours and John’s plate. 
Pain? Simon was in pain? Well, John could certainly read your husband better than you could, because you thought he had just been his regular self. Still, you supposed it wasn’t entirely impossible. With as many scars that afflicted his body, you were certain the damage ran deeper than just superficial marks on his skin. 
As instructed, you waited until the rocks had soaked plenty of warmth before using the edge of your himation to grab them. With careful hands, you trekked up the stairs to the second floor where you found John and Simon in bed together. A drenched chiton sat on the floor next to the bed, but Simon’s naked body still glistened with the memory of its moisture. His chest heaved and he grunted like an animal as he slung an arm over his face, hiding his eyes from the light of the oil lamp that flickered on the nightstand. 
John’s thumbs dug into the muscle around Simon’s knees, massaging them with what appeared to be less than gentle touch. Simon hissed, jaw flexing as his teeth grinded together, yet he kept still as the man worked at him. You approached the side of the bed with hands outstretched, hot rocks tucked together underneath thick wool sitting in your palms. 
“Is he alright?” you questioned.
John paused long enough to turn and grab the stones from your hands. His fingers didn’t flinch when he grabbed them, as if he was so used to the heat of them that it no longer phased him. 
“It’s the weather,” he explained. “The old wounds in his knees are aggravated by the change.” 
You watched with apprehension as John pressed the rocks against Simon’s skin, yet your husband didn’t flinch. The tense muscles that flexed in his thighs slowly began to soften as John moved the rocks carefully around his knee, tracing the long scar that dissected his skin. It was one of the first things you noticed about him the day you got married. Deep and ugly, it ailed him so bad he couldn’t walk straight because of it; forever bound to limp in weakness despite the strong stature his body would otherwise have you believe. 
Another smaller scar mirrored in perfect continuity on his other knee. It was not as deep nor as angry, but you could clearly make out the line in which both scars connected. A blade. It must have been. There was no other weapon that you knew of that could’ve created a scar such as that. His entire body, even his face, was littered with the unsightly marks. 
Why would a blacksmith have such scars? 
John moved from one knee to the next, warm rocks soothing away the ache so deep in Simon’s body that hands alone could not heal. You quietly stole a seat on the mattress next to Simon, and you carefully watched the mesmerizing motions of John’s circling hands. He was so… soft for a soldier. Considerate. It’s a side of man you weren’t used to seeing after witnessing such violence in your home. For a while, you thought love was just violence; blood waiting to be spilled. Perhaps love was just warm rocks against tired skin. 
“What happened?” you asked with eyes still trained on the old wound. 
John’s eyes glanced up at Simon, who wasn’t able to see his gaze through the arm slung over his face. As if he felt the burn of his eyes, the man shifted on the bed before letting out a heavy sigh. 
“Tell ‘er, Johnny. Know you like tellin’ the story,” he urged. 
A grin bloomed on John’s face as he turned his attention back to Simon’s knee. “He got this from saving my life.” 
Stunned, you shifted on the mattress to get closer, and your thigh brushed against Simon’s leg. How your husband could handle the cold of your chambers completely naked and half wet was beyond you. Your body yearned for any warmth it could steal. 
“I don’t believe it,” you countered. 
Really, you didn’t. How could John MacTavish, hailed hero of your city, need any sort of saving? You didn’t at all doubt Simon’s capability of saving someone; it was just the thought that John could ever find himself in such a precarious situation that you doubted. 
“I’d never lie to you, little dove,” John chuckled. “No, Simon and I served together, once upon a time ago. Trained together. Fought together.” 
He paused his story in order to switch knees again, returning to the one closest to him. Simon’s breathing had already calmed, and he no longer panted like a mad dog. Any tension that had been harbored in his body when you first entered the chambers had almost been completely washed away. 
“Years ago both of us had been deployed in a large-scale battle. It was a bloody skirmish with swords flailing every which way, I swear the glint of metal was brighter than the sun that day,” John recalled. “But there was this big brute who fought with a club. Rivaled the size of Simon, even, which isn’t easy. Bastard snatched the shield right out of my hands and knocked his club against my chin. Split me right open and knocked me out cold.” 
A hand instinctively covered your mouth as John shared the story, and he paused for a moment to look at you. He seemed to take some sort of boyish pride in your worry, and he tilted his chin up to put his own scar on display. You had hardly noticed it before due to his stubble and your active effort to not look too many people in the eyes, but it marked his skin as clear as day. It was deep, spanning from the front of his chin and curling underneath the right side of his jaw in an angry, red line. 
“I wasn’t out long, of course, but I wasn’t all there when I woke up,” he continued. “Felt like I was underwater, could hardly breathe. Bastard stood over me ready to bash my head in like a damn melon when Simon swooped in like an eagle. Sliced him to bits before he could do anything else to me. But war is messy and unforgiving. Several others piled on him, got him pretty good. Still killed the bastards.” 
“All but one,” Simon corrected. He had been so quiet you swore he had fallen asleep. “One of ‘em ran off.” 
“He killed the bastards that weren’t cowards,” John amended with a chuckle. “But they got his knees. Surprised infection didn’t take him. But Simon, my love, stubborn man that he is, carried me off the field even with his wounds.”
“Would you rather I dragged you?” Simon asked. 
“You should’ve left me there.”
“I love you too much for that.” 
The sound of rain smothered the conversation as both men fell silent. Rotten shame boiled deep in your stomach as your eyes carefully scanned Simon’s body. Over the weeks, you had gotten so used to his unabashed nakedness to the point it didn’t phase you, but that wasn’t what made you feel shameful; it was the realization of how bitter you had been. 
On the day of your wedding when Simon lifted your veil from your face, the only thing you could think was how ugly he was. The scars that littered his body were just eyesores, and his limp didn’t make him a paragon of strength. Hardly the man that was supposed to protect you from the wicked ways of the world. How cruel you were for thinking such a thing. For looking at the scars he earned saving the life of his lover as if they were an eyesore rather than proof of his devotion. How dare you look at him as anything less than he was; a man who loved?
In an attempt to swallow down your shame, you found your own hands reaching out for Simon’s knee. The heat of his skin felt nice against your frigid hands, but he flinched at the sensation. You paused as you looked up at his half obscured face, and you didn’t look away until you felt his muscles melt and relax underneath your touch. 
In silence, you mimicked John’s movements with your thumbs. Tendons and muscle danced underneath your fingertips as you did your best to massage the pain from your husband. With hands as weak as yours, you were certain it hardly did anything to help him at all. Still, you continued, and you prayed to the gods that he could feel your silent apology through your touch alone.
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corvidcas · 1 year
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i think part of the reason people are so hateful about fat people is because theyre not fat, even though they put little to no effort into their diet and daily activity levels. even if they dont live healthy lifestyles and theyre not trying to, and theyre still a "normal" weight. and because theyre ignorant and resistant to learning about how peoples bodily functions vary wildly, anyone who is fat must have brought it upon themselves by being extra lazy or extra glutinous and if they were normal they wouldnt be fat and its soooo easy to not be fat because look at them theyre not fat. which is so fucking stupid because so many people complain about how skinny people exist without "earning" how skinny they are, theyre literally just like that even if they eat tons of food because they're trying desperately not to be skinny. but the opposite cant be true for fat people apparently. fatness is always a direct consequence of abnormal habits apparently.
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bitegore · 5 months
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ok i may be doing everything i can thinik of to avoid doing my actual work for the day. anyway its fucked that i cant be like "hey i dont eat enough, let me eat more" on this stupid health app my insurance has. 'your goal caloric intake cannot be higher than your current caloric intake' well i need to eat more than i do. i eat one meal per day and make up my calories in literally spoonfuls of sugar when i get too tired. 'eating healthy' does not mean 'eating less' it means EATING FUCKING HEALTHY. i hate it here
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beverageenthusiast · 4 months
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butchdykekondraki · 5 months
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called myself fat in front of my coworkers and this one guy who is like absolutely jacked went "you're not fat, you just have bulk to you! :-)" so. peace and love i think
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mickinspo · 5 months
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i'm so endlessly proud of myself, of how actually easily i can pull off 200-300kcal a day plus 30min workout and lots of walking. others might have strenght to go even further but this is insane to me; just a month ago i didn't think i could cut out snacks and big meals and now i rely on max. 2 100g meals a day and one or two lowcal snack.
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tomwambsmilk · 5 months
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took my dog to a new vet the other day bc I moved a few months ago and she was mostly great except. at the end of the appointment (which was about a skin issue he developed) she said "btw your dog really needs to lose weight, I'd like to book a follow-up in a month to see-" and like. she's not wrong but it did very much annoy me that she immediately assumed I was not aware of my dog's weight problem and am not doing anything about it. he's actually 10 pounds lighter than the last time I took him to a vet. he's actively losing weight. this is something we've been working on for a while. and if. you had just. asked..... it was also particularly annoying bc when I brought him in I told her that he had hypothyroidism and was on medication for it, and weight gain is a common symptom of hypothyroidism, so like.... did you think I somehow got my dog a hypothyroidism diagnosis and prescription without ever having a conversation about his weight. come on now. so no I'm not going to pay $120 I don't have to come back in a month so you can confirm that he's still losing weight like he has been consistently for the last ten months
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lucysweatslove · 1 year
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You would think as a person who recovered from an ED I would learn NOT to weigh myself, like, ever, but of course I keep doing it because curiosity and it only causes distress.
#tw for the tags since it talks about weight#and tw for calories too#mainly because like this should be the lowest point for cycle and hormonal based weight#but somehow I’m up 1.2 lbs from last week#logical me is like yes you had a high salt day yesterday#but then I see the scales BIA basically pegged it all as fat gain#and then I see the whole plot since I’ve had the scale and it says my water weight % hasn’t changed in a range of 20 lbs#I’m trying a little bit to just feel better and wear clothes I feel comfortable in and stuff before school#I thought yeah if I work at it I can be down a little before rural clinic and more before white coat ceremony#but instead compared to 4 weeks ago I’m not even down a pound#I actually did try meticulous counting and weighing for the last two weeks#granted I still refuse to say no to social foods that I can’t be so meticulous about#but I really struggle to see how at my lean mass with how I’ve been eating vast majority of the time HOW even a day could mess it up#like when I’m eating ~1450 calories a day in average with 100g protein how is my weight not changing#especially when I’m lifting 2-4 hours a week and doing cardio for 2-3 hours too#keep in mind I am large rn and I do have decent lean body mass#like if I were to drop to 20% body fat but keep all my lean mass I would still be classified as overweight#so yeah it’s just frustrating#its not so much that I can’t accept my body as it is but that I know I’m being constantly judged on it and I don’t want to deal with that#anyway gonna go cry and consider making breakfast but bring too frustrated to actually cook
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acanthemp3 · 1 year
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hate when i have to pay the price for treating my body like shit.... i should not have to put up with this
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zarovich · 1 year
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i wish i never developed an eating disorder 😐
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midnightf · 2 years
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. :,(
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b0dyr0tt · 2 years
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.
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faeryfossil · 2 years
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No one knows that the main reason my mental health is so bad rn is because i have no money for cute clothes + my self esteem is too bad to even wanna wear cute clothes if i could cuz i wouldn’t feel confident anyway
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sebaby-l · 2 years
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Stupid thing to complain about but I wish I was pretty at the very least. I do so much for my appearance. I do a whole 10 step skin care routine I buy nice makeup I get my hair done professionally etc etc etc and I just feel. Okay. I don't feel beautiful or even a little pretty
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balancefrost · 4 months
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🙃
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wakanai · 5 months
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xx
[tw: ed; fat shaming]
#feeling awful rn#Lmao#“Just do it. Stop being unhealthy. You're so fat”#hahaha lmao yeah you've been reminding me that for like 5 years now#You think it helps??#My gosh.#“I'm saying this because I care for you. I don't want you to look ugly”#It's been 5 years. I wonder how that's working out lol#If i do get healthier its not because of you its because of me#because frankly your strategy is not at all helping#Like yeah constantly fat shame and criticize someone and call them ugly#and then get shocked when they believe it and get worse#I looked at my old photos#I wasn't even fat back then but I remember they alr called me out on gaining weight#And now here I am. And they're still calling me out on gaining weight. And it's gotten worse#I'm not obese im chubby but like yeah thats not an excuse and i self sabatoge and use eating as a coping mechanism#and i ate sm today#It's funny cause one time i was actually trying and making progress#Then they called me fat again and teased me abt it and my motivation just came cashing down#I hate it sm#ofc ill still continue trying to get better because yk gotta take care of myself and look pretty for myself#but these people are just...#i cant deal w this#one of my fam members came up on me just now and said im becoming obese#ty very much#your fucking criticisms have def helped me reach this point#“i care for you. I won't shut up about it until you lose weight”#can u just. like. get off my back.#when they're trying to motivate me but their so called motivations include teasing me and berating me and asking me why im fat 24/7#ty for your “motivation”
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