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ficfanatictrf · 1 year

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Ricky Montgomery - Line Without a Hook

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After listening to his other songs (again) and now having extreme brain rot again for this song (...again)

I wanted to post a little something about this song.

When playing this song, I am not thinking of a person that I am 'a wreck without' but my own sense of self, my own heart, my individuality.

Triggers below: Reference to many trigging things. Self-harm, abuse, ect.

The last SERIOUS relationship I was in, was literally 10 years ago. And I gave EVERYTHING of myself to this relationship. - Physical Health (anorexia, compulsive exercise [sometimes I would find myself unable to sleep, so I would do P90X and Insanity work outs to try and wear myself down to get to sleep....after a full day of military work and PT training...], cutting, and burning) - Mental Health (Depression and anxiety skyrocketed, I was pressured into get as close to sex as possible without actually having sex [hand jobs, thigh jobs, make outs in the shower while he rubbed one out, had him go down on me...which hurt and was terrifying for me), suicide attempt, was starting to hallucinate. I broke my morals (he was married and with a 2 year old son....and being the naïve idiot I was at the time, I believed him when he convinced me that because we 'weren't having penetrative sex that it wasn't cheating' - had a whole break down about this afterword) - My military career (I left as soon as I could - even when I had no idea what I wanted to do at the time) - My family (it nearly broke my family relationship with me. It took me YEARS and multiple therapists before I could talk to them about everything that happened when I was away. How it affected me.) - My friendships (I don't talk to anyone, except one person, that knew me before I was 18)

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I end this just to say that this song matters a great deal to me.

I don't really give a damn about the way you touch me When we're alone You can hold my hand If no one's home The whole cheating aspect of our relationship. Because in the military you can be dishonorably discharged if they catch you cheating, our relationship was hidden.

Do you like it when I'm away? If I went and hurt my body, baby Would you love me the same? I started, keyword started, self-harming as a desperate attempt to keep his attention. He only really seemed to care when he could be 'the hero'. So I started it when he started pulling away....to then later find out that I couldn't stop for a very long time.

I can feel all my bones coming back And I'm craving motion The fact that I started feeling like I could do things again. Looking back I think it took me nearly 2-3 years to start having a desire to do anything. Mama never really learns how to live by herself It's a curse And it's growing You're a pond and I'm an ocean A feeling I have a lot. Later finding out from a therapist that I am a 'Highly Sensitive Person' as well as a person with ADHD, Misophonia, ect. Constantly it felt like I was feeling an ocean's worth of emotions compared to someone else who was feeling a pond's worth.

Oh, all my emotions Feel like explosions when you are around And I've found a way to kill the sounds, oh Honestly, for years I drowned out all thoughts and feelings about that time. Using anything to keep that time period out of my mind.

Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you I need you here to stay I broke all my bones that day I found you Crying at the lake Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden? Oh, and if I could take it all back I swear that I would pull you from the tide Spoken directly to my heart. I am a wreck when I give my heart away and I am a wreck when I am without it. And from now on, it will stay with me. And that I apologize to myself for insulting my heart. For calling it too sensitive, a cry baby, ect. That I apologize for calling myself 'weak' for having emotions for years after the relationship.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa I said no (I said no), I said no (I said no) Listen close, it's a no The wind is a-pounding on my back And I found hope in a heart attack Oh at last, it is past Now I've got it, and you can't have it Pretty clear. No, I will not give my heart away anytime soon. No matter how much the wind (society) pressures me to 'find the one', to go out and date.

Darling, when I'm fast asleep I've seen this person watching me Saying, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Tell me, is it worth it?" Oh Honestly, something I still wrestle with. Is it worth it going through the dating and break-ups in the hopes of finding love? Guess there is something, and there is nothing There is nothing in between And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer Watching over me, he's singing "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy" He's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a hook" A horrible way to think of it...but it how I sometimes see it. That the relationship broke my line, that now I am just a line without a hook. That because a key part of me broke during that time- I can't 'catch' love anymore.

#trfrant #so sorry #I have too many emotions #Youtube

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ficfanatictrf · 1 year

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Update (1/17)

Almost moved to new location, still have some issues talking to housing and such to get out of my contract because of my issues and concerns (need a few documents to do that). I am living at the new house, just still have some of my stuff at the old apartment.

Finally have a therapy appointment in a couple days

Working on the next request that I started but never finished (Viktor and his s/o as children). It is already going to be rather long I think because of the idea that I had for it

Will work on the part 2 of the Undesired Assistance as well

Have been working on some simple and easy drawing things, I'll post in the future

I am doing a lot better.

Me and my best friend (whom I am living with) still have a lot of work to do to get everything set up for me living with her. But, I think this will be a blessing because we both are very similar when it comes to our issues.

Thank you to everyone that checked in on me. I GREATLY appreciated it. I am not used to people checking in on me during hard times, so seeing those messages sometimes brought me to tears (it is why I didn't reply quickly to some of them as I wanted to keep them in my inbox to re-read for a couple days)

Seriously, I am so thankful for all of you!

#trfrant #update #ficfanatic #ficfanatictrf

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