#wanna go back to feeling like a normal fuckung person

[windy-wonko]

i forgot my meds again as well 💔

#now i am overthinking everything i do and sweating #wanna go back to feeling like a normal fuckung person #but i have the worst memory #fucko #vent #ig #i hope im not annoying anyone

[unlikelymilkshakedream]

A/n: Happy Valentines day! In honor I thought I would write something for those singles who are wanting a person today (its me, I'm singles) enjoy!

Once a year, every year, on the same day, people celebrate love on February 14. It was no different in the town with pep. The day started out normal as they usually do, but as you can guess, things are never truly normal in riverdale.

You woke up in your bed, safe and sound as one only hopes to do. Your day had not been filled with heart shaped candies and flowers just yet. You had to work at the towns register until 6 that night, which did not entice you on this special day. As you turned over and looked at the clock, you saw the time read 8:30 and by 9:30 you needed to be at your job.

As you climbed out of bed to go to the bathroom, your phone lit up. You looked and it was your boyfriend, Sweet Pea, wishing you a happy valentines day.

'Happy valentines day baby, I know you gotta work, but tonight I promise I'll tak le care of you<3'

You smiled to yourself, your boyfriend knew you wanted nothing more than to spend the day with him and luckily, you would do just that tonight thanks to him.

'Thanks baby, happy valentines day to you too, I wish I could be with you today, but I promise ill make it up to you tonight<3'

You smiled to yourself and thought about what sweet pea would do tonight. You hoped for sex, and probably sweet pea thought the same way. Since you started dating him over a year ago, you two have gotten each other like no one else could, on the streets and in the sheets.

As soon as 9:45 rolled around, you left for your job at 10 and as the hours ticked by, you could not think of anything more boring in the world to be doing right now. What really got you was once it got to 5pm, people started walking by, holding hands and flowers, and you wished this last hour would speed by, but knew it wouldn't.

Once it was 6pm, you were the happiest you had been all night. You left the register, biding farewell to your co worker, Ms. Johnson, and looked around for sweet pea. No seeing him, you texted him.

'Hey baby, I'm done with work, can you give me a ride?'

Just as you hit send, you heard the familiar rumble of his motorcycle and looked up to see sweet pea standing against his bike with flowers and chocolates looking like he wanted nothing more than to hold you in his arms.

You went over to him, blushing at how thoughtful your boyfriend was.

"What's all this sweets?" He wrapped his arms around you as he kissed your cheek.

"Just wanted to make sure my girl knows how much I love her." You stepped back and blushed, taking the flowers and chocolates from him, giggling.

"Aw, baby, you're so sweet to me, aha, get it?" He rolled his eyes at you and laughed. You always could make him laugh and thought there wasn't a more enjoyable sound.

As you got on the bike behind him, you inhaled his scent and smiled, holding on to his waist as he took off towards his trailer.

Once you arrived at his trailer he wasted no time pulling you and right there you thought to yourself, 'its gonna be a good night'

Once he got inside he turned to you, smiling and blushing.

"Whats up pea?" He smiled and exhaled a laugh. Standing back, you looked at the floor and saw a trail of rose peddles.

Giggling, you started to follow the trail. As you went further down the hallway, the trail led to the bathroom door, you cracked it open and saw the bathroom dimly lit, a bubble bath going with rose pedal on top of the bubbles and candles lit all around.

You turned back to sweet pea and gasped. "Omg, did you do all this for me?" He wrapped his arms around you from behind and laid his head on your shoulder.

"Just wanted to make sure my girl knows how much I love her." He said blushing. You giggled as you turned your head, your lips inches from each other.

"I bet this water is getting cold, wanna join me?" He smiled at nodded his head, helping you strip down to your black lace bralette and your under wear. He striped to his black briefs and got in the tub. He held his hands out for your to climb into his arms.

As you sunk your body into the warm water and laid back against his chest, you felt so loved and wanted, more than you ever had in your life. And as he wrapped his arms around you, you leaned against him and closed your eyes.

You felt so at peace that you thought nothing could make this night better. Soon, sweet pea started rubbing your arms and humming a song. You turned your head to him as smiled as you looked into his dark chocolate eyes.

"Thank you so much sweet pea. This is absolutely perfect." He brought his lips to your in a deep, loving kiss, unusual to its normal roughness he gave you.

"I love you so much y/n, I would do anything for you." As he said those words, you looked at him and felt your heart race. You loved this man and everything he gave you, you loved him and always would, you wanted nothing more than to make him happy.

"I love you too Sweets, so fuckung much, I love you." Your eyes were full of love and desire, just as his were. He kissed you again and you shifted in the bath so that you were straddling him. He kissed you tenderly, rushing nothing and worshipping you.

The kiss broke as you laid your forehead against his, eyes closed. You two held each other so close, it was the best thing ever.

"I love you so much." You whispered. As you opened your eyes, you saw him look at you with so much love you thought you could die right on the spot.

"I love you too y/n, more than anything." You kissed him again and felt it deepen, wanting now to bring him pleasure, he knew how you felt and helped remove your under wear, his soon following. As you started, the water began sloshing around you, no one caring, and nothing being rushed or forced.

As your bundle of nerves was growing, sweet pea only made you feel incredibly loved, nothing more than wanted and desired. This man loved you like no other and he loved you just as much, made sure you were happy and felt loved.

As you reached you climax, he helped you, still being gentle and sweet, as if you were made of glass. As you felt your climax, you breathed out "I love you so much"

And as both of you came down from your highs, he did nothing but praise you and tell you how much he loved you.

He chuckled, and you thought there was never a better sound. "Uh, baby, I think this bath is spoiled." You giggled.

"What on earth shall we do?" He laughed again. "Allow me to take over." You nodded and he stood up and got out of the tub, and picked you up bridal style. He brought you into his bedroom and you saw, on the bed a heart shaped figure made out of rose pedals.

He set you down, and your knees wobbled. He held you to his chest as you looked at the bed. You turned to him and gasped. "You did this?" He smiled and kissed you.

"I would do anything for you baby. I love you so much." You smiled and felt your eyes watering, ignoring it and trying to hold back tears. As you looked at him, a tear rolled down your cheek.

"Your so good to me, I don't deserve you. I love you so much sweet pea." He kissed you and brought you older to the bed. He laid you down and got in next to you. Bringing you to his chest, he flipped on the TV and started playing your favorite show of all time, Supernatural. It also just so happened to be the valentines episode.

Soon enough, you both were feeling tired and drifter to sleep in each other's arms, loving him more than ever and wanting nothing more than to bring him the happiness he brought you.

A/n: wow writing this really made me lonely as fuck. Damn, anyway hope you enjoyed! Happy Valentines day!

#happy valentines day #hope your not as lonely as i am #sweet pea #riverdale sweet pea #sweet pea riverdale #sweet pea imagine #sweet pea x reader #sweet pea fluff #sweet pea love

[q-u-a-c-k]

rant that you can just skip over 😂 it's just detailed intrusive thoughts. and I'm continuing to rant about literally everything that goes through my brain so I am here writing this and not acting on thoughts or being stupid.

okay so this is a note from after I have written all that. and basically it's complaining and ranting about everything and hyperfixating on space and science in the end. in the middle I talk about my fears of love 😂 potentially triggering stuff? it's all nonsense you really dont have to read it. it was just to keep myself from doing something I shouldn't. so if you could be triggered by literally anything maybe dont? idk. I cant stop you but it's probably annoying and not interesting. if anyone does read it though let me know if I need to tag it anything.

So my brain has now decided that because there is no way I am sleeping tonight unless it's exhaustion, I get intrusive thoughts. fun! so rn it has been fixated on the fact that because I am closest to the outside. not hall door. that I could easily sneak out. which is very much not good idea, because 1) I dont live in this area, 2) it's still cold as fuck outside at night, 3) I would literally fucking get lost or caught immediately. So yeah :) I dont even know what I would do if I did go and I don't want to because I have an idea of what brain would say and that's a big no. it's especially big no because I'm too comfortable with the idea of it but I'm not allowed to. and I guess now it's kinda good because brain is thinking about how I miss my cat. I just wanna see my baby and be in my safe place with the people I'm actually comfortable with (cat and phone with online friends) like guys he's so fuckung adorable and what if he doesnt know why I'm not there right now. usually he sleeps in my room at night. so what if he's in my room waiting for me and I cant go see him. you're damn right that I'm crying about this. i just want my baby because he is my baby and an indicator of a safe place.

also I am so incredibly fucking uncomfortable. like I cannot sleep because 1) in a place I do not know 2) there are people (family) in the room that I am not comfortable letting my guard down around 3) there's so much noise from snoring (and from one sleep talking) 4) I am on the couch because when we go places I'm always the one who has to and it's a shitty pull out bed couch. it makes way too much noise that I have been in an uncomfortable position for over 3 hours because I dint want to disturb anyone else. and I can very easily feel like of the metal bars under the middle of my back 5) I am very cold. I forgot a blanket and I didnt get one because the room only gave us one extra one (I dont think we're supposed to have an extra person) ad my sister got it even though I'm the one by the outsid,door, window, and air conditioner which wont turn off. I at least have my flannel though to cover my legs 6) my head hurts so bad because it's the kind of headache that hurts to have eyes open, breath, or move around in general 7) my stomach hurts so bad because I had to eat because apparently people get hungry and are supposed to eat along with anxiety from literally all of this 8) I have not gotten to be alone for more than 10 minutes since the middle of Wednesday whereas usually I spend almsot all of my time alone (with cat and phone with online friends) in my safe place. 9) I have not stopped crying (not really like crying crying but like there has been tears or water from my eyes because for some reason they burn and some because of anxiety or missing cat. 10) I keep thinking that at any moment I close my eyes someone is going to break into the room or one of my family members are gonna do something (I literally dont know what, that's intrusive thoughts talking but I have previously freaked out because I thought they were gonna aliven't me for no reason) 11) When I'm somewhere I'm not used to I get really bad muscle cramps in my arms and legs and I am not having fun with that.

sorry that was a shit ton of complaining that nobody should have read or give a shit about. so sorry if anyone actually read that?

also Allison, if you actually do read this (istg you really dont have to. like I said this is just my train of thoughts written to prevent me from doing anything. I am not watching wandavision until later today 😂 and I am staying off the discord server I joined becuas of potential spoilers.

anyways continuation of rants and complaints. I really want to put the phone down and attempt to sleep even though I know I'm not gonna be able to and for that reason I have to write here because I do not trust myself with my brain being like this rn. but I wanna put phone down so bad because my eyes hurt and my head hurts from having eyes open.

and I really wanna just get my earbuds out and have controlled noise and potentially fall asleep but that would take noise louder than them to drown them out but any noise already is hurting my head and earbuds sound really uncomfortable right now.

also I'm starting to get really cold again because the flannel was working for a little but I think that was because I had to move a little bit to get it out and on my legs and I haven't been moving.

also my sister (sleep.talker) has been just making noises and mumbling all night except just now she went "eww" and rolled over and continued snoring and sleeping. so that's fun. totally didnt scare me.

oh my God it's fuckung almost 3:30 I just wanna sleep. at this rate I dont care in what way it happens, but I want sleep in the next 10 minutes so I cannot be aware of how uncomfortable or in pain I am.

my back (which usually already has back pain) connot stand to lay on the bar in this position anymore so I have to move but it's so loud and I dont wanna wake anyone up or move into a worse position but feel bad for moving.

I have now moved and I dont THINK I woken anyone up. back is better but head hurts so much more now because of movement and I am now laying on my knee which I have a lot of problems with and am not having a fun time.

idk what to talk about. I want sleep or to at least put phone down but like I said multiple times I do not trust my brain rn so I have to keep writing stuff. and I dont want to just keep complaining but idk what to talk about and complaining is easiest rn because I was out in an uncomfortable situation by coming with them and I didnt want to in the first place but would not be able to stay home.

I am now gonna talk about sleep and my thoughts about it. I like being asleep but I also dont. I like being not awake but most of the time do not like the dreams I have. but sleep itself is such an interesting concept. like the body forces itself to shut down and put you unconscious to like rest itself or repair before continuing to function. and it's like (supposed to be) on a specific or close to schedule. like youre supoosed to have a schedule for when you're unconscious. and this is completely normal. a part of our society is actually shaped around this too? like at certain times around the world it gets all dark and the world goes quiet for a while. idk I just think it's really interesting. maybe it's not idk lmao.

and now brain wants to talk about how and why I am afraid to love. :). brain is afraid to love because that means I have to be vulnerable to someone and that's just so terrifying to do, especially being someone who is different than a lot of the heteronormative society. like I absolutely love my friends. and once I'm comfortable around them, I'm gonna tell them that I love them as much as I can (but also dont want to make them uncomfortable). because if I finally feel comfortable enough around you to be vulnerable and accept that I love you despite brain's overwhelming urge to say I don't and be invulnerable and safe, I'm gonna tell you that as much as I can that I love you. because it literally happens so little in my life that I actually really trust someone. so if I tell you I love you I mean it (and it tells you I trust you). like seriously, I barely even say it to my mom because I'm so on guard and trying to watch my back around her. and I dont think I say it to the rest of my family. unless it's my grandparents I'm gonna tell them that because I think I do just in a different way of your my grandparent and you're family. and I occasionally say it to my irl best friend because there's still a lot I'm on guard about because I haven't told her a lot of things so we're not as close as you'd think. but if you're reading this I have probably told you i love you. and i know Allison i tell you as much as i can because I think yyou'rethe absolute top person that I trust and love, so i try to tell you a lot. because I love you!! you're like my entire found family 😂

but now we're gonna talk about reasons why I'm terrified to be in love romantically. Because I dont think i have actually liked someone romantically or really ever be romantically interested in anyone. I have thought about it because I felt like I had to tell myself I was ( I was not). like i thought I had a crush on someone once but I think it was because I was unable to be their friend at the time that I wanted to be their friend even more. and because I never really got to pick my friends I didnt know what it was like to actually want to be friends with someone. but thinking about someone romantically I just cant really do. because I don't want to get into a romantic relationship if I don't know if I'm gonna like them romantically at all. do people like people romantically when they first go out with someone? or do they just say I kinda like this person let's try it out? because that just doesnt make sense to me and idk. and it could very well be that I'm just to young to know yet. because I still dont even know what I would want from a romantic relationship. like... Idk what there is for me to want or what's different to loving your friends besides calling them something else? and the whole having to trust that this person likes you in a specific way that you might like them before you take it far enough and get hurt because they just don't feel the same? or you're the one that's not really sure and potentially hurt someone else? I know people say it's just a risk you're gonna have to take but I dont want to take a risk like that. I dont mind being hurt from it myself but in terrified at the thought that I could potentially hurt someone because I just dint feel a certain way. and I still dont know what the difference is between friend love or romantic love to be able to judge or risk that? like seriously what is different? because I mean, maybe affection like have someone to hug or cuddle? but you could do that with friends and it should be a normal thing to have with your friends. but ig this still is a fucked up society that thinks everything has to be more than what it really is. and it just leaves people touch starved because of it. idk. maybe one day I'll figure it out, but how it's just Greek and foreign to me. idfk.

well that was fun. now it's 4 and I need something else to talk about because even if I do potentially fall alseep soon, I do not want those to be my last thoughts and possibly have dream about it (dreams for me are typically not good).

I think I see the moon. it's either a moon or a parking lot light. and I know the moon is either full or very close to full (I'm pretty sure it's just very. close) but I wish all of those lights outside were off and possibly have a new moon so I could see the stars. I love the stars so much. i love the moon, too, but right now it's very bright. but I wish I was more into astronomy and knew more about it. because that's also something that's very interesting to me is space and the stars. I wanna be someone who knows about all of the constellations. but I have a horrible memory and absolutely would not be able to remember 88 different stories. although I'd want to. even though most of them or a bunch are just Zeus being a dick. but more to the science side of the stars is so interesting to me that they're soooooo far away. like they're literally incomprehensibly far away. like I cannot comprehend how big a football field is without see one, I'm agine being able to comprehend the distance of light years? like I know we know how far it is but I'm pretty sure human minds cannot comprehend how far that ACTUALLY is. even if we know it's a LOT. and isnt it cool how we're able to know there are other planets outside of the solar system? I believe it's 4 different planets that we know of that are MORE inhabitable than earth. like better to live on. and they have either older or stronger stars that wouldn't die out as fast as our sun. although there comes the debate of if we should be able to go to them. it's a very debatable question, but I think overall the answer would be no. because humans have fucked up an entire planet, why should we be allowed to do it to another? like it realize it's literally a percent of humans that fucked it up for the rest of the planet, but humans have an inner need to have power over everyone else and other things and would stop at nothing to get what they want. humans could so easily become corrupt and destroy other planets too. it's kind of a fucked up thing to say, but I feel like maybe humans should die out with our planet. like of course it's not fair to the ones who haven't had the chance to live a life yet. but it was never fair to the other creatures humans killed for their own needs. like we have caused extinction several times. karma will get you back in the end ig. and it would be cool to know but obviously we wouldnt be able to know, if a species even smarter than humans evolved and kept the peace on earth, even as the ruling species? ruling sounds wrong but idk what else to call it. whatever we are above everything else is what they would be. but it would be so amazing to know what smarter beings are alive or could eventually live. like that's so fucking cool.

anyways I should probably try to sleep or put phone down because now brian doesnt have time to let me do anything I shouldnt. it's 4:30 😂 someone is probably gonna wake up soon because idk.