#whatever I'm gonna take some sleepers and knock myself out

[corpsegold]

ok so I started this therapy thing. And she got me to fill out one of those questionnaires like depression and anxiety. And she was like ok so what are your main problems then. And I thought to myself, idk, I was expecting you to tell me that? I went with social anxiety, because I’m coming out of a heavy drinking phase and drinking is the most obvious problem with my mental right now, and because afaict drinking is bc of social anxiety. She looked at the results and pointed out that actually I’m not that anxious at all and I wasn't drunk talking to her. I haven't been drinking much at all recently. Part of it is because my mood has shifted, but also I’ve run out of money. I left thinking about how actually its not social anxiety and that drinking probably started that way and then became about low mood, because its much worse in the winter. But I know that depression isn't the root of my problem. I have a strong hunch that there's something deeper that's wrong with me. I have this feeling that I actually WANT to be mentally ill. I don't think I'm actively trying to be, I think most of my mentally ill behaviour like drinking and being depressed are legit, but I don't think they stand on their own compared to other people with those problems. I can see from some of my reactions to things that have happened and been said to me that I’m eager to get labels, whatever they may be (some very much more than others I have realized) and given how I’m quick to take up and abandon various “ill behaviours” whilst voraciously researching them and the people who have them, probably none of it is genuinely legit as its own standalone problem. Recently whilst sobering up from drinking I had another realization which thankfully I can’t remember most of but it really got me down. Its something I’ve realized a few times before over the years but I kind of block it out? I’m not 100% sure, but I have this hunch. 

I basically realized how my problem isn't social anxiety, its being rejected. Its the reflection of failure. Its having to experience my failure and shortcomings and not have a buffer or a shield or an excuse. I’m starting to think that the reason I cant engage with hobbies, the reason I cant stand being around people, the reason I push friends away, the reason I have never gotten into a romantic relationship isn't because of strictly being paranoid (I’m not really that paranoid 99% of the time), or anxiety, or drinking. Its just all about being completely terrified of failure and unable to cope with it.

I avoid interacting bc its usually negative and I hate myself for it. I avoid relationships because I don't think I have the personality or skillset for it and it would blow up in my face and I’d have to actually face my shortcomings and I don't know if I would actually survive that long term.

I avoid my interests that are skill based because I will probably cry and panic when I’m not immediately good at it. I avoid making things because I can’t cope with not being as good at it as I imagine I am (or was). I collect disordered behaviours of all kinds and constantly make a hobby of thinking of myself as suffering from various mental illnesses because I want an excuse. I want to not be to blame for how I’ve destroyed my life and caused destruction to others. I want to be able to feel like life just dealt me a shit hand and its everyone else’s fault that this has happened.

Like don’t get me wrong I know I suck at lots of things. I know I can be a huge cunt. I don't want to be, but only because I want people to like me. I only have empathy for a handful of people, and its because I fear not being worthy of them or that they might hate me when I neglect or am insensitive to them. I’m very bitter about things my parents have done when they have actually sacrificed a great deal for me. I find it hard to feel grateful to them because I feel like I deserved that and more. Many of the things I’ve done that have upset or hurt other people make me feel guilty and ashamed but to be honest? I think its mostly because it reflects badly on me as a person, not because they're in pain. A lot of the time, anyway. There are times where I’ve definitely had some empathy, for a set group of people (that I’ve known a long time).

but for all I can admit that I suck at things, I struggle to actually accept that its entirely my fault or the result of my decisions. I want that responsibility to be taken off my shoulders. I want to be told that I’m not actually at fault or that I can help it. 

I think in the end I guess I want to be told I’m allowed to act this way?

I think about how my mood can flip flop- but really its not in the style of bipolar. I don't fit the criteria. Its just about self esteem. I go from feeling like I’m hot shit, fucking brilliant, “get out of my way before I run you over I’m the best at this and you can’t see it yet” because of some minor success or recognition, and then next thing I know I have some perceived (real or actual) small or large failure and I get completely distraught over it and start thinking I don't deserve to live.

What I actually should say to this woman in this therapy, is that my goal is to be extremely successful, and to be liked and respected by everyone I meet. I’d take just being wildly successful (fat fucking chance), but really I want both. I’d say I want to be loved and happy, but that actually I’m not sure I know what that feels like or if I’m capable of feeling it. I’d say that honestly, I think I’d rather be worshipped, if I could stand it without hating myself. I think the fact that I’m too scared to risk seeing that those things don't come naturally to me, or that I don't know how to secure them, is what makes me depressed and causes me to drink, or find ways to numb or distract myself, like using mental illness as a hobby. It’s what drove me to shagging over a hundred men in a few years (seeing how many I could fit in solo sessions in a week - the answer is 10 a few times over), its why I failed my degree (by not turning up), its why I feel shame when people bring up my treating them unfairly- but when they don't, and I think about it, I don't actually care, or I readily come up with a barrage of excuses. Because I want to think its not actually my fault and that I deserve it, or that its fine because one day I’ll be wildly successful and I’ll pay everyone back so I wont ever have to think about it or them again.

I learnt my lesson about self diagnosing. Its not about what I want to be told is wrong with me. I don't really understand the diagnostic language and I’m not qualified so its actively harmful to read deeper into it other than having a basic awareness at least at this stage. I do however have a strong hunch about what might be the root of my problems. Its why I doubt that I’m actually mentally ill, even though I might act like it. Its why I think I’m actually just a shit person. 

I want to be better and I don’t know how. I want to be nice to people. I want people to like me and I want to have successful relationships. I don't want to feel like a failure.

But yeah. I have a hunch. Its just a hunch. Its embarrassing and I don't know how I’ll handle it when they figure it out. I can’t hide it by throwing behaviours or symptoms in their face of other things. I can tell that they see through it and that something’s fishy with me. And I know I do genuinely experience these problems- like depression and drinking, but they're symptomatic of something deeper. I hope that the fact that I can recognize this sometimes means that there’s hope or that I’m wrong about this too. 

I dont know how to meaningfully apologize to people for being like this. 

My gut reaction when I start to think about how I’ll feel when I find out is anger towards my parents for taking my future away from me. That kind of confirms it in my book.

#i have small idea that the root of my issues is #having the thing where deep deep down you really hate yourself #and do everything you can to not face or feel it head on #I think my behaviours are because I'm not very good at coping with that #i think i have that self esteem disorder #I think I'm sorry to friends about it #I imagine if this is the case that they probably can already tell I'm really like this #they probably figured it out ages ago #but then again who knows right! I regularly convince myself I have all sorts of problems and then my SyMpTomS change #maybe I'm like. Muchhausens or whatever its called and just making it up #if i really had the self esteem disorder I wouldnt be able to tell right? #whatever I'm gonna take some sleepers and knock myself out #vent

[m00nslippers]

What do you think about Accidental movie star! Jason? He's shopping for groceries one day when someone walks up to him and goes "You fit the description of my character perfectly. Please audition for a movie I'm directing." Jason is skeptical, but acting is a passion he has missed so he gives it a try. The movie turns out to be a hit and now all the directors want Jason in their movies

Lol, I like it. He’s just shoppin’ for groceries, minding his own business when he sees a mugger steal a lady’s purse and Jason just leaps into action, doing parkour and shit, just crazy, highly-skilled stuff and punches the guy out and gives the lady her purse back, all without even thinking and delivers a scathing, angry lecture at the robber, like sometimes you’ve gotta steal, he gets it, but you don’t steal from old ladies who can barely afford their medications, in broad daylight, and knock kids into the street to get hit by cars when you run away!

A director of a big action movie, what there when this all went down and he’s just so impressed, so captivated by the guy, he has just great, emotional expressions and voice, these movie-star handsome looks, the height, the body, the physical skills, it’s everything he’s been looking for in this character. Can he act? Who knows, but his looks and abilities are already so appealing that if the guy couldn’t act for shit the movie would probably still sell well just on his looks and the action alone. It’s not like action movies usually need a lot of depth anyway. It’s worth a shot right?

So he goes to Jason and explains himself and gives him a card and a time to show up to audition with the casting director. He asks, do you have any experience acting? Jason’s thinking of all the undercover work he’s had to do over the years and the little bit of drama club he had in middle school and says, a little. Jason is just…really confused by the whole situation. The Red Hood, in a movie? Ridiculous. Sure no one knows he’s the Red Hood, but still. He accepts the card and everything but he doesn’t think he’s going to show up…until he tells the story to Roy so they can laugh about it, but Roy is like, “No, you should do it! You’d be so good, Jaybird!” But Jason is just like nah nah, I ain’t gonna embarrass myself, but Roy is serious.

So then Roy enlists Dick and suddenly everyone Jason knows is demanding he show up for this goddamn audition. Cass is saying how he’s always doing all the voices when reading to her and it’s so good, and Alfred as talking about how Jason would read Shakespeare opposite him in the evenings and how he’s always trying to get him to do community theater, Tim’s got a bunch of recordings from their undercover work where he embarassed a bunch of evil scientists by making them looks stupid and it doesn’t prove anything but it is funny to watch them because everyone fully believes Jason is some super-evil taskmaster sent by their boss to get results, Bruce is trying to break out the recording he made of Jason’s middle school play…and finally Jason is just like, “Fine, I’ll go! They’re just going to tell me it was all a joke and to never darken their door again but if you need an opportunity to laugh at me, whatever, I’ll appease you assholes.”

So he shows up to the think, and like he thought the casting director isn’t keen on some rando with no credentials showing up to audition but the director is there too and is super enthusiastic so maybe it was a joke on the casting lady instead of on Jason. But they give him a script and have Jason read opposite some lady who is apparently a famous hot actress but he doesn’t pay attention to that stuff so he doesn’t really recognize her. So they start to do the reading, where the love interest is trying to make the hero leave his life of running-and gunning behind to live happily ever after with her and the hero gives her some bullshit like, “This is what I am, I’m no good for that life, I’m just an empty shell, blah blah blah.” The typical poor attempts to put some emotional stakes and depth into a movie that’s just a vehicle for stunts, so no one is expecting much but–

Jason just kills it. Like, holy shit. he can do angry, he can do heartfelt and hesitant and torn and determined and the full emotional range. He’s not stilted or putting on some fake tough guy exterior, he just completely sells both the pent up rage of a hollow man left with nothing but violence, but also the man who wishes he could have had another softer, happy life, who really loves someone. They casting director is floored, she’s trying to hire him immediately and the director is looking so smug, and the actress is looking him up and down with interest like already planning the headlines where it’s revealed he’s her newest fling. And Jason is just thinking, that was pretty fun but I doubt this will amount to much, but to his surprise he’s already getting a contract shoved down his throat and they’re trying to push him into signing on for a movie and two sequels if the first one does well and he’s so overwhelmed. This isn’t really happening, is it?

He sits on the contracts a bit and is trying to think of an excuse to turn down a few million dollars that won’t sound completely insane but int he end Steph goes over to his apartment everyday to bug the shit out of him, like, “Oh my God, Jason, I would know A MOVIE STAR! Don’t you know it’s my dream to drive the paparazzi insane by cheekily photo-bombing all of their pics with really stupid stunts and peace signs?” and he points out she already does that with the paps around Tim and Cass and she’s like, “IT’S NOT ENOUGH I NEED MORE.” So he ends up signing the contracts and wondering what he got himself into.

Filming goes well, he does most of his own stunts, makes friends with most of the stunt people and a few of the actors, the lead actress keeps trying to get into his pants but he’s not interested in being front page news (little does he know he’ll make it anyway). Filming completes, he goes home, thinks well that was an experience, and doesn’t worry about it much until he shows up on the red carpet for the release. It’s not a film that’s going to win any Oscars but it’s expected to make some money. He takes Roy as his ‘date’ because he loves stupid action movies and at the scene where he’s pouring his heart out to the love interest Roy straight up cries and a few other people in the theater do too, which baffles Jason. At the end of the film there’s a standing ovation and the director is trying to show Jason off like he’s the star and people are saying it’s going to be a summer blockbuster sleeper hit and Jason is going to be the next big star, like Matt Damon or something, he can do action and acting, but this is pretty standard for movie premiers Jason figures, so he doesn’t take any of the praise to heart, he’s just like, that was an experience I guess.

And then the movie hits theaters. It’s 93% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics like it too and say it’s got great action with a hot new star who somehow manages to put real emotion into tired tropes and how they unexpectedly cried in this film that everyone wrote off as a stunt vehicle with guns and car explosions and gang/mob violence. And people start taking pictures of him and glomping him in the streets and he’s doing the press junket on freaking Ellen and the Late Show with the actress and she still keeps trying to get him to date her although now she’s wondering if he’s gay with Roy because he took the guy to the premier with him instead of family or a girlfriend. And people are already talking about a trilogy for the sequels and now the movie is blowing up in China and some other director is trying to sign him for a drama Oscar-bait role that would usually star someone like Ryan Gosling and he’s just like…how did this happen?

#Red hood #Jason Todd #actor!Jason #Accidental actor!Jason #AU #headcanon #imagine #Roy harper #Arsenal #action star