#whatsinthebrain

[camtran]

Dear me,

At the beginning of this year 2020, you made a resolution for yourself to write more. To write down everything and keep an eye out for your feelings.

Today, May 30th, 2020 is the first post of this year. Congratulation, it's the middle of the year.

Let's see what's happened for the very first half of 2020: Covid-19, love (one sided), disappointment in career and love of course.

Work is terrible in my opinion, I saw the dark side of people, people who are basically god started hurting and bitching their most loyal employees to save their asses, the one I care about is being fired at. It's unbelieveable, how much people can turn on you. Love is unexpectable and unpredictable. I fell in love, and once again was rejected (this part is expectable and predictable). The unexpectable and unpredictable part was that it was with someone I had never in my life imagined that I would fall for. He is alot older than me and short. I specifically like taller men, and still do. I don't mind men who are older, 10-15, it's not a problem but 25 years older, whooo goddamn! Completely out of my range and my preferences. But he is smart and experienced in which I'm head over heels for.

I asked myself many times, when did I start having feelings for him. The answer is, I don't know. I was afraid that I would fall for him. But then it just hit you. It hit me hard when I started feeling jealous for no reason at all. Then I realized, I Iike him, and alot. At first, it was just there. I didn't want to do anything with it, being with him at work, to work in the same team is already enough. But the feelings slowly but steadily planted its root deep into me, so deep I was devastated when I heard he's planning on leaving the company. I like him, but I can't pin point a specific thing that makes me fall for him. Not until lately, when I was already rejected. I know myself, If I'm close to someone, if I'm comfortable and we start synchronizing, feelings will start to develope. I felt it, we were sychronized in our thoughts, we spoke at the same time with the same things, I had fun and was comfortable around him. I don't know.. I felt secure with him, I felt like I want to do more for him so he would feel the same security as me. The one thing, I haven't felt for so long, with any crush in the past. The secure and peaceful feelings.

People in the past, once I'm over them. It's like that feelings never exist. I don't remember it. I can't seem to even if I try. I remember, I attempt to ask a guy out when he already has a girlfriend, what a bitch I was. Luckily I snapped out of it. I don't remember crying for any of this failed crushes. They were irritating, but never to a point that I would ball my eyes out. I took all this courage, and was encouraged by one of my best friend to confess. I wrote a letter, confessing all my feelings to him. Wanting a reply but never recieved one, not until I had to again assembled my courage after I had used all of them before, to ask him about the letter. He said it was sweet, but he's not allowed to have any relationship in the company. I take it as a no, but that answer didn't give me a peace of mind. It was answering around the question, not directly to the question. I thought it's going to be hard when I saw him again in the office. But no, it was easy like nothing had happened. I cried ofcourse right after the rejection, so bad. Then I thought I was alright, then came the week and we saw each other again. I was still fine, until the third day of that week, all the sadness just unlocked itself and roamed around my head. They wouldn't leave, until I cried my heart out again. It was bad but I'm glad I cried everything out.

I know I should give up already, but why I still have this feeling like I'm going to regret losing him? I'm scared and hesistant or maybe I'm just a foolish person in love.

#life #love #unrequited love #whatsinthebrain

[camtran]

What do you regret the most?

Many people asked what do I regret the most in life. My answer would always be - I'm not sure really, I don't really regret many things in life. But since knowing myself, I doubted that I have ever lived my life to the fullest. I wonder is that I just forget because my brain tried to block out all the bad memories or am I just dumb? I met somebody this year and fell in love. I had so many regrets just from that alone already, but never about meeting that person - I liked him & trust him.

I also wonder, why am I writing this. What is it that I'm trying to understand from myself? I think I miss him at this moment, the sad thing is I will never hear him say I'm proud of you anymore. There won't be moments when I tell him about my achievements any more. I fear, I won't be able to talk to him like how I used to anymore. But really, have you ever had any feeling for me at all? Or was is it just me all alone? I don't ask myself these questions much anymore, I'm moving on from that. What hurts is when you miss someone You can't even say that to them.

#whatsinthebrain #love #life

[camtran]

Am I Feeling Numb?

Dear me, 

I don't understand why we are always stuck in sticky love situations. Even tho, I know we deserve love and affection but it's so hard to detach yourself from situation that no longer serves you right. I keep thinking that there's still some unfinished business on a spiritual level, or is it just the stubbornness of not wanting to let go. I like him a lot, but I also want the best for myself. I cried when I ended things, but I'm not crying anymore but there's definitely a hole in me. It's like a void and I just want to fill it up with whatever -  communication, affection or pleasure. 

I lost my motivation to work also, everything is kinda grey at the moment. I work because I want the money, not because I like it. I'm sure deep inside there's still some of that passion left. But it's not here, it's not with this company. I know staying will only cause my harm than good. I'll go, but a break from all of this is necessary too. I'll take a long break from working, enjoying my life of doing absolutely nothing more. 

My mental state currently is numb.

#whatsinthebrain #life #mental health #love

[camtran]

It starts with L and ends with E

Love, the four-letter word. Supposedly, the connotation meaning of this word is so beautiful and desirable, it almost seems like it's what everybody wants and is a fundamental part of life. But what seems so perfect, so well rounded can also comes with such a big prize to pay. It shouldn't be, that's what everybody says, but this is life itself. With twist and turn that just break ones down to the point of their own connotation of love changes. It is so painful, the feeling that loving someone will inevitably end up only get yourself hurt. 

But then ones realize the only person they can love is themselves, but what does this have anything to do with anything. Or maybe it does, I myself just don't see it yet. There can be love that exists within yourself, but it doesn't stop the external factors from making you doubt love. It doesn't stop ones from feeling pain, because we're all human. There are plenty of fishes in the ocean, but how many do we have to go through until we can't take it anymore. It's not anyone's fault, there's no one to blame, can you really blame life at all? Yourself, maybe. 

#whatsinthebrain

[camtran]

Oh hey, camillia!

Why are you so sad?

Empty? Hurt? Confused? Or are you just going through some type of withdrawal? You feel like crying? Go ahead, I won't tell.

Why does it feel like we just lost someone important? Someone we met not long ago, we knew he's unstable, has his own problem mentally we didn't try to fix him, but the time spent with him was so great. It slowly built up as we get to know about each other. We connected on so many levels, physically was the most compatible. I don't w want to admit. He kinda was a push button for us to get started on painting. It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be fun for us. It ended, we wanted something exclusive and he didn't. The feelings that we have for him ain't love, I don't know what it is yet. Like a friend, like losing a good friend.

Goodbye, P.

#whatsinthebrain #life

[camtran]

If it’s fragile, let it break

That’s the saying I’ve been hearing and try to repeat it to myself. My feelings for that person, are still there. We used to talk more, but that’s because we sat close to each other. Now being separated and not even working close to each other alot anymore. That’s why it drifts apart. I’m not sad at the fact the we don’t talk to each other much anymore. Just the feelings of knowing that it’s drifting away and how fragile it is, give me this sense of solitude and melancholy. Like I felt so empty inside. Why do I feel so empty like this? Is it because I already knew the outcome of this? If things are fragile, let them break....

#whatsinthebrain

[camtran]

Everyday appreciation

Day 2 of appreciation

Hey camillia,

Thank you for slowly letting go of the things that are bothering you. You don’t have to be the best, you just need to try your best. Please remember this, I’ll repeat this more often from now on. So we can remember it together. 

Thank you for opening up to learn new things with me. This time let’s stick to it and try to gain something from this and improve ourselves. Day 3 of appreciation Yo! Today was quite a fun day isn’t it. Thanks for waking up to workout, it was tough getting up so early in the morning, but we did it! I know today the fear is creeping back, the fear of being useless and that we’ll get replaced soon. However, try your best, we from now on will only be doing the things we approve of. Which ever project, we just need to do what we think is good, remember we don’t have to be the best in everything. This is teamwork, sometimes others’ ideas will work better than ours. Even in that situation, we need to approve of the things we do first. Let’s work together Camillia, we’ll be fine. 

Thanks for sticking to the exercise we have been doing, remember to continue doing them tomorrow cause we didn’t have time to finish today. 

Day 4 of appreciation | 210110

Oh hi! We're working towards to be more healthy mentally. Thank you for that. I love us, and we deserve love. We don't need other's attention or approval to feel love. Let's do the things that we approve of, what we think is good for ourselves! Unconditional love for ourselves only comes from us.

Tonight was fun isn't it, we rediscover some music from the past. So so good! Thank you for getting yourself up and to workout. It was so tired, but it made us felt good about ourselves. So please keep it going.

Day 5 of appreciation | 210116

It’s been a week since my last entry. How have you been lately Camillia? How is work? I don’t remember which day it was, that we have this quitting mentality. I mean, we felt it right. Maybe moving to this company, even with our whole team is still not a good idea. We felt some type of defeat. But I’m happy, I’m happy that we are angry at a situation and not ourselves. This is the first time since forever, we stop having that mentality that it’s our fault. Thank you for that! I know it’s not only the situation of moving, but other things at work as well. It’s been a while, we had fun working for a project right. Though, it was rough at the beginning, but what we needed was a bit of time to kick start the engine and it was fun. 

I realize today that we work and do better when we care less. Let’s do that! Thanks for talking your feeling out to your friend. She’s right, the reason we’re struggling to work is because we’re pretending to be someone we’re not. Even if we succeed in selling this stuff to clients, you’re not gonna be proud of yourself. So let me repeat this for us. You don’t have to be the best, just try your best and do your thing, the thing that we believe in. Care less about the result, care less about the fucking brief, care less about what people think of you. It’s what we think of ourselves, Camillia, that counts! 

Day 6 of appreciation | 210127

How is it going Camillia? it’s been a week. I see that we finally decided to read more books this year. The book we started is a good one, it may helps us with our my self talk and stopping me from sabotaging you. I appreciate that. This is the second week of joining this new company, pretty shitty huh? I get that everyday we’re trying to convince one another why we should stay and look for opportunities to thrive here. I know it’s hard and it feels like things are being taken away from us. But I know we’re trying our best, so thanks for that. I’m thankful that, everyday we wake up, we decide to fight and give this a try one more time. I love you. 

Day 7 of appreciation | 210210 Hey, awhile ago we were reading this book about how not to self sabotage ourselves anymore. In this book, there’s a phrase that really got me intrigued. No matter what happens in life, if we look back at the past all of the traumas, hardship and small irritating situations that had happened, we lived through them all. We lived through all this and still survived. That’s why even if shit’s gonna hit the fan someday, we got this! We got this, and what it takes to overcome it. So embrace the uncertainty, I know we are afraid of that, but we got this :)  Remember the bank project incident? Yes it was irritating, but we bounced back and did a good job. I don’t know what’s gonna happen next but at that moment you did good, Camillia! Thanks for that! Separate ourselves and our emotions from work and let’s do the best of what we think is good!

Day 8 of appreciation | 210223

Hey Camillia, I’m talking to you on our new iPad. Yayyyyy! First post on this new iPad.

I know we’re feeling down at the moment, we don’t have any motivation to work, we even want to quit this advertising industry to curl up in a ball and just sleep and eat. But I’m proud of us that we push ourselves forward. Maybe this feeling will only be temporary because we’re close to that time of the month. That’s ok, let’s push and figure things out one by one. I’m proud of us for keeping pushing forward :)

Day 9 of appreciation | 210425 Almost exactly two months since we filled in this entry. I know you're in a very dark place. But you will make it out of there, please trust yourself and love yourself. 

#whatsinthebrain

[camtran]

Hi, did you just cry? I'm sorry, i'm sorry i couldn't help it. I couldn't help us get through this. Instead we're sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss. That monster is out and creeping up on us. I love you, camillia. I love us, you and I we've been through alot. We're literally the same person, but also we're not. Camillia handles work related things, and I am the one who's criticizing her.

I'm harsh on camillia, I don't see anything good from her only flaws. But that kills us both from the inside, I know. I'm sorry. If only i was stronger for us, I can be a sturdy foundation for you to lean on. When shit hits the fan, you won't be so stirred or shaken. I wish I hadn't been so strict on you like that. So for now, let's do this exercise together. Everyday, i'll write an appreciation letter to us. Let's do this as a start to healing, we'll go to therapy together also :)

Day 1 of appreciation.

Thank you, for waking up early this morning to workout. We did well on the workout!

Thank you, for being able to cry and let everything out. Also, all the applause to us for noticing that we have a mental problem and we'll get treated.

Thank you for the hard work, you've done a fantastic job! You don't have to be the best, you just have to try your best. I love you, goodnight!

#whatsinthebrain

[camtran]

WHAT IS WRONG WITH 2020?!?

This year really is a shit hole, isn't it? 2020's pandemic makes the whole world go on lockdown, the economy is on the verge of dying, people are seperated from their loved ones and we have people dying every single day from this virus. This madness, when is it going to end?

It's like all of these things aren't enough, your company is forced to shut down?!? When in fact, compared to the situation it is making good money. WHAATTT??? Excuse me but, WHAATTTT!?! I get the we are very lucky, Camillia. We are kept and moved to another branch, but still.

What keep me on my toes the most is the uncertainty with the future. It worries me, not so much fear. I'm worried that we'll wont get along with this new company, we'll be isolated and eventually get kicked out. There could be opportunity over there too, but we're such a pessimist that i don't even know anymore.

#whatsinthebrain #life #2020

[camtran]

Spiraling out of control

Hey camillia, 

Are you bottling up your feelings again? Why does everything feel like they are out of control recently. It feels like my feelings are spiraling out of control, one moment I’m alright then another moment I’m at my lowest point. 

Oh hey! I figured out your question camillia, did the feeling for that person of your subside or is it that you just got used to the feeling of being rejected.

You just got used to it. Yesterday, the thing in the rule book of life about not walking away from your responsibility, well you broke it.. You walked away like a brat and you hurt him. Or maybe you just felt like you must have hurt him in someway, and felt guilty for it. But then you realized that “shit! He doesn’t even like me!”, then maybe he doesn’t even care that you just walked away. Well he cares, but because you were irresponsible camiilia, not because of anything else. You felt worse. Please get in touch to your feelings, we don’t want to go back to that dark place, do we? 

I trust you, I trust us, camillia! You were irresponsible little brat, but you had too much on your hands. Either way you will disappoint him. Pick yourself up, we’ll figure it out together. 

#whatsinthebrain

[camtran]

Dear camillia,

It's been long. I'm writing this to document my feelings again. Since May, until now the feelings have subdued quiet abit already. Don't you think? You don't feel much of it anymore right, the feeling you have for him? Or that it's just that you are used to it?

I don't know either, i still feel jealous sometimes but luckily i don't feel such a strong feeling of wanting him anymore. Rather lately, i'm more insecure than I have ever been. Why? Why do you always feel that you're not enough, that someone better is going to take your place in this company or in his favourite colleague. Am i being over confident that i'm his favourite colleague? Maybe, i'm delusional.

You need to think about this. You need to figure it out what is wrong with you. Please think about it. Is it the fear to disappoint him. I realize that feeling is similar to what i have with my dad. I'm afraid to disappoint him. But where is it coming from? I need to get to the root of it. It's eating me from the inside.

#insecurity #life #whatsinthebrain

[camtran]

Analytic vs judgmental

It's that time of the month again. I'm talking about that time in every month which every woman on this earth experiences, when women are described to turn crazy or dramatic. I myself have also experienced this period (no bun intended) of time many many times before. When I was in middle school was when I experienced this symptom the most. Now that I know more, I think it was because of the iron deficiency that I went crazy, literally. I would snap at my friends, every single of them after 2 or 3 sentences, to the point they gathered and talked about me like I was a lunatic. I don't blame them though, cause I was. The second worst time was that I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. No it's not the reason that we broke up, we had problems between us and there was infidelity too (even though I learnt about after we had separated), but it was definitely the catalyst to that. 

And now we are here. The symptom doesn't hit as hard anymore, I still get agitated but not frequent. The one thing that I realised is that I'm extra judgy during that time. It's not that I want to do it, I know that I have this bad habit. I do remind myself to mind my own business though. Recently I have been watching a lot of videos about self improvement, many of them are about learning through people's mistakes. I don't know how many of these lessons went into my head, not much about confidence or how not feel so anxious when facing pressure, goddamn. However, these days I can see what's going with people problems more, where are the roots of these problems. I feel kind of fascinated about it, when I can analyse situations and understand them. I know feelings are complicated, they are not something that can be easily analysed or anything, but then why are there psychologists and psychiatrists (not saying that I'm one, I’m a human just like anybody. Who is just trying to see herself in people's shoes). I have a friend, a work partner turned friend who I tell almost everything to him. Could it be that I talked to much about these type of things, that I turn from what I see myself (analytic) to a judgmental bitch. That friend of my said once you see around you are problematic people, that's when you go back and fix yourself, cause you are the problematic one. Well shit! The different is that people got problems, everyone does including myself. I'm not perfect or is it that I'm really the problematic one? Who said to see what's wrong with people but fail to see what the hell is wrong with her own. 

#selfdoubt #mindfuck #whatsinthebrain