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neopiacentral · 3 years

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heyyy this is gonna be a long post about sexual assault / rape / suicide so mega tw ... i would make this a read more if i could on mobile if those even still exist. anyways

but the other day i was having a mental breakdown as i do and this one was more so thinking about how a little over half of the people i’ve had sex with from ages 17 to 23 (how old i am rn) ..... i only had sex with bc i was coerced or forced into it. and i started thinking about this one scenario in particular that i literally basically had forgotten and pushed out of my head until the other night and somehow i feel like putting it out in the open and talking (typing) about it will help me deal with it better or at least in a way where it’s not just being pushed down for another few years lol

around october of 2017, i was at the most suicidal point of my life not even for any “specific” reason .. i was just really struggling and my depressive episodes would not ease up and i spent a lot of time just trying to distract myself from it. this was the only point in my life where i have ever smoked regularly because even though i hated (and still do hate) the feeling of being high, it felt easier to deal with that instead of just thinking about dying nonstop. i didnt really talk to anybody, i wasn’t in a relationship or anything. and i think i had matched w this guy on tinder or we just followed each other on twitter, i can’t remember but he lived here (but i hadn’t ever met him irl) and he was dealing with a lot of the same things i was so we started talking kind of regularly. he was in a relationship so i never flirted with him or anything even though he was gross and would ask me if we could be “fwb because his girlfriend has a medical condition so she never really wants to have sex” lmfao and i obviously always said no and told him i wasn’t interested but still talked to him bc i felt like he understood me in a way nobody else in my life at the time could and i didn’t want to be on my own. we texted and called so often and thinking back on it it was SO unhealthy bc we didn’t help each other at all we just talked about different ways we would want to die if we ever did .. things like that. like retrospectively it’s so clear that it was just making the situation worse and i wish i would have just stopped talking to him.

i can’t remember if this happened before or after he broke up with his girlfriend but it was 100% before we met up in real life. we had each other on snapchat back when i used to use it and snap maps were a thing obviously. and one day i was home alone and i can’t remember if he had told me he was doing this or not .. like genuinely i just don’t know. but he had shown up at my apartment unannounced, rang the doorbell and waited outside for a bit and i only remember knowing it was him bc i looked through the peephole in my front door and i started having such a massive panic attack bc i had never given him my address and even if he had gotten it from snap maps..... theres 10+ other apartments in my building and he just came straight to mine. it freaked me out SO fuckinf bad and i didn’t answer the door but he texted a bit after he left and i asked how he knew which apartment was mine and he said “ur apartment had a welcome mat so i just figured it was urs haha” like what ........ god.

i have no idea why i kept talking to him bc that really genuinely terrified me and even my friend bella i talked to here and there was literally telling me to call the police and stuff. but yea. i can’t remember how long after it was that we finally hung out in person but i did end up just giving in because we were talking for months and lived in the same city and i felt like i owed it to him to hang out irl after flaking or blowing him off the dozens of times he had asked before.

and he ended up picking me up, he lived about 45 minutes away from me so it was a long drive back to his apartment. he actually made dinner for us and we watched some stuff together and i was surprised how much fun i was having and how nice it was. butttt out of nowhere he just started kissing me and undoing his pants and trying to get me to give him a blowjob no matter how many times i said i didn’t want to or was uncomfortable but he just kept asking. and i was so far from home, i didn’t drive there so i couldnt just get up and leave and didn’t even really know where i was. it was like 2 in the morning at this point i had no person i could call and ask to come grab me or anything and i just felt like i had no choice which . looking back is maybe what he had wanted. i was so scared and we ended up having sex just because i wanted it to be over and i wanted to just be done with what was happening.

and then he literally ghosted me right after. the one person i talked to and trusted and opened up to when i was REALLY hurting mentally basically raped me and just left me alone afterwards leaving me feeling even worse than i did before we had met. i never even told anyone about it after it happened because i didn’t want to deal with it and honestly don’t think i was capable of processing it at that point bc i probably would have completely and fully broken down and lost it. which is also why i have barely even thought about it over the last three almost four years.

last year he started to try and come back into my life just a couple months after alec and i had just started dating. like just randomly interacting with me on instagram and trying to reply to my stories like everything was normal and even tried to talk to me about how things with alec were. and once i made a post on my story about me being at work and he kept dming me asking if he could come visit me bc he knew where my job was and i started having horrible panic attacks at work that i never told anyone about. i have him blocked on everything now but for months i was always looking over my shoulder bc i was so afraid of seeing him.

i want to heal from these things but i don’t feel comfortable going to therapy even though i know i really should. until i feel ready to do that i will just do my best to cope with it all on my own even if that means just telling other people what happened so i can start coming to terms with it myself. it is so hard some days and i am afraid that these things will end up eating me alive sooner or later

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that-one-violist · 5 years

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formal apologies this is long, its a mindless vent session so like, dont feel obligated because oof

i hate how grief takes away so much from you. not only do you have to deal with the absence of someone you never could imagine would disappear from your life, but the bills, the house, the clothing, the holidays, the food in the fridge she would have eaten, the things you would have shared with them, the phone calls you would make, having someone to forward emails you didnt understand to, someone to sit next to when youre ill, someone to cry to when life gets tough or when your head hurts for hours unend and it just makes everything harder. i cant share anything with her anymore. i cant be happy or feel proud without it being stained by grief and pain.

like, i did really well at my juries, maybe not comparatively to others but for me i did. but all i could do was sit in a practice room and cry because i normally would have called her to tell her how proud i was and how much she made this possible for me. but i couldnt. there wouldnt be anyone on the other side, and there never will be. there was a moment when i read the comments that i just was happy and proud and excited and then i went to grab my phone by reflex and then it just hit and i just broke all over again.

last night i walked around campus from like 10-11:30 at night just walking aimlessly because i just needed to think and get some exercise and fresh air along the way. everything was fine and then i got to my dorm which at this point is empty im the only one left for exams and i feel like i could have had a minor fucking breakdown?

i literally just started crying and all i could do was talk to an empty room like i was talking to her on the phone and i tried to share everything with her and tell her how much i miss her even though i was fully aware there was no one there i just felt like i had to and it helped but how fucking crazy do you have to be? i literally even took out the wedding rings that I cleaned because i knew she would have wanted them clean because she was so meticulous so i could fucking “show” her that i got them cleaned. literally what the fuck? like i even openly said like 40 times that “theres like a 99% chance that you dont even exist anymore and then if you do its unlikely youre able to hear me or experience any of this and tehres absolutely no guarantee that if there is something after that ill be able to interact with you but i dont know what to do because telling dad about this trivial stuff that im proud of just isnt the same. its still important but its not you.” and kept going. whats wrong with me? is this just like, grief but a weird version of it?

why am i going off on here. why is tumblr somehow supposed to help me think through shit? i always have to talk through shit and im 10000% an over-sharer because i think outloud and i think through other people’s reactions and their responses but i dont want to bother anyone with this face to face because its uncomfortable and its been over a month so my “free to be too open or openly sad or openly something related to grief” card is gone and

i used to do this shit on my finsta but a lesser version of it but then people in real life that follow my finsta started to bring it up to me (and by that i mean literally one person but also) and im not trying to concern people and theres a few people i know and love to death that follow me on here and know me irl and i also dont want them to worry but i operate on the slim chance they dont see this shit even though i post fucking bullshit so frequently

i dont know im just saying shit to say it now i really need to just figure out a more personal not so vocal version of this, writing it on a piece of paper does nothing because theres no out in the world to it, idk if that makes me an attention whore but i mean i wouldnt be suprised at this rate with how much i talk about how much this is bothering me

big

fucking

yoinks (thats yikes but more)

#personal #greif #im so lost #idk what to do #im sorry for going of #off #i just #oof

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