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reidsnose · 3 years

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love letters

overview: spencer has a wonderful idea after finding out that reader had never gone to her senior prom

genre: fluff fluff fluff

a/n: i mixed two ideas that have been sitting in my notes app for this lol but i think its sweet!! i wrote it a little rushed and definitely not bc im not getting a prom this year due to miss rona👀 LMAO but as always please lmk what yall think ab it :)

masterlist

the idea had fully occupied his thoughts the second after the words left your mouth.

it was "the buttcrack of dawn" as you had called it, though spirits were high on the late jet ride home. it was a rare but much needed positive end to the case, and everyone was happily chatting with each other. since the case was involving high schoolers, the subject fell on prom. everyone went around sharing their prom stories one by one, recalling awful dresses and questionable dates til the questions turned to spencer.

"what ab you, pretty boy, what was your prom like?" morgan asked, still smiling widely from recalling his own.

you watched spencer shift uncomfortably for a second.

"i uh..i never went to prom." he stammered, a tight lipped smile on his face.

"no! you just dont wanna tell us!" prentiss cried, throwing her hands in the air.

"i graduated high school when i was 12! why would i have gone to prom?" he reasoned.

"you had to have gone when you were older or something! everyone has!" jj countered.

"thats not true, i never went to prom either," you defended, subconsciously inching closer to spencer.

before anyone could even ask you to explain why, spencer got the idea. he mentally left the conversation after you gave your answer. he spent the whole rest of the ride home and the next couple of weeks brain storming and planning.

and casually after work one day, as he was walking you to your car, he asked you if you wanted to hang out with him that weekend; at his house.

you and Spencer had hung out before, but mostly at your house or at coffee shops; he didn't invite people over very often.

of course you agreed but you grew confused when he told you to dress fancy.

you raced home afterwards to raid your closet, looking for any fancy dresses you may have stuffed in there.

spencer spent the whole day preparing his apartment. he put up streamers and balloons. he made a playlist of all your favorite songs. and then he rushed to get his clothes from the cleaners.

and when you knocked at his door the breath that left your lungs struggled to come back after he opened the door.

he stood in a gorgeous suit, different than he had ever worn to work. he rubbed the back of his neck and gestured to the living room, revealing the adorable (albeit poorly made but its the thought that counts) decorations.

"um.. welcome to prom," he said, turning back to you, revealing a blushy smile.

he tried not to stare too much at you, but it was difficult. your eyes sparkled as you stepped inside and looked around. and the dress you were wearing fit you so gorgeously he truly couldnt take his eyes off of you.

"spencer, i..." you trailed off, enchanted by what he had done.

"sorry if it looks bad. or if you think its weird that i did this. i just thought cause neither of us went to prom maybe you wanted to have a little one with me? yeah now that i say it out loud maybe you hate it im sorr-" he rambled behind you.

you turned quickly to him as he got lost in his words, eyes glued to the floor. cutting him off by wrapping your arms around his neck and hugging him as tight as you could. you could feel the tension leave his body as he melted into the embrace, returning it gladly. he doesn't like to be touched by anyone really, except for you.

"i love it. thank you," you whispered, giving him one last squeeze before letting go.

he has a spread of snacks lying out on the coffee table which he has mooved to the corner of the room to make space for a makeshift dancefloor.

he turns on the music and you two start talking and dancing and laughing. two fools with four left feet completely and obliviously in love. well, oblivious the the other anyway.

a slower song came on, an old one that you had wanted to slow dance to ever since you were a little girl. and somehow naturally you two came together, his hand dropped to your waist, the other delicately cradling your own. your other hand found its way up to his shoulder, feeling as though a magnet was pulling you two closer. and closer.

he looked absolutely stunning. the soft lights he had strung around the apartment sparkled like stars in his eyes; its was...dizzying, in the most incredible way.

unbeknownst to you, as you stared at the stars in his eyes he was looking at his whole world that he had been somehow lucky enough to hold in his arms.

he held his arm out, allowing you to spin and when he pulled you back both of your arms ended up wrapped around his neck, and his around your waist. you were less dancing now and more...hugging. with your head pressed to his chest, he hoped with all his might that you wouldn't be able to hear his hammering heart. you most definitely could, but it was calming to know he was as nervous as you were. you smiled, listening more to his heart than the music he had played for you.

you were both sure that you could burst from pure bliss. the song ended a little too quickly for either of your liking and reluctantly you let go of each other. and suddenly Spencer was hit with the realization that he forgot something.

"oh my gosh," his eyes widened as he looked around the room.

"what?" you asked, mirroring him and looking as well.

"i can't remember where i left your corsage! i was gonna give it to you at the door but i forgot!" he exclaimed, running around the room checking shelves.

you smiled to yourself. he got you a corsage!

"ill help you look" you decided.

"please do," he chuckled.

"i thought you had an eidetic memory, shouldn't you know where you left it?" you joked, shooting him a smug smile.

"y/n, my brain was all jumbled to day and it wasn't just from being around you," he realized what he had said and quickly turned back to the shelf he was looking at, "could you check in my room please?"

his heart was racing at his own stupidity; how could he just say that so nonchalantly? he had been planning to tell you that he liked you for the longest time he cant afford slipping up and having it be anything less than perfect.

you slipped into his room, your cheeks warm from the idea that you make his big brain all jumbled. he probably didn't mean it like that, you were just looking too much into it.

you sighed as you crouched to look under his bed for it. you found a small wooden box that you slid out from underneath. it had your name on it.

is it normal to keep a corsage in a wooden box? you wouldn't know, you never went to prom.

you shrugged your shoulders, "i found it spence!"

with out thinking you opened the box, except instead of a band of flowers you were greeted with letters, all addressed to you. there were annotations written in the margins with purple ink. you furrowed your eyebrows as you scanned the various letters.

dear y/n,

today you complimented my glasses and my heart skipped a beat. thats dumb spencer dont start like that

dear y/n,

im in love with you. too forward

dear y/n,

you make life worth living. shes gonna think youre a creep

you felt a rush of euphoria fill your chest. did he really feel these things for you? your thoughts swirled in the most wonderful way. a wide smile broke across your face, butterflies running rampage through your stomach as you reread his words. his words addressed to you.

"oh thank God i really thought i lost-oh. oh no." spencer started as he walked through the door of his room immediately walking back out. you followed, blinking your watery eyes at him. "i can explain.

"i think youve explained enough, theres like 20 letters in here!" you chuckled, flipping through them.

"i didnt know how to tell you and i dont want to ruin what we already have and i-"

"it wasnt too forward." you stated, grabbing one of the letters.

"what?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"in this one," you held up the letter, "you wrote dear y/n, im in love with you. and then you crossed it out and wrote that it was too forward but i dont think it was."

"youre not mad?"

"mad? spencer ive been trying to admit the fact that im in love with you since i realized it myself, why would i be mad?"

"youre..you feel the same way?" he looked back up at you, a hesitant smile pulling on the corners of his lips.

"more so," you beamed, stepping closer.

he wrapped his arms around you, "thats good or else the rest of this prom would have sucked."

you chuckled, pulling him impossibly closer to you as another perfect song played.

ultra mega super cool taglist

@mac99martin @imhreid @spencersmagic @hollydaisy23 @raelady1184 @a-broken-pact @padfootswife @hey-there-angels @star-stuff-in-the-cosmos @sonnydoesrandomshit @averyhotchner @laurakirsten0502 @reidyoulikeabook @rem-ariiana @spencerreid9 @vampire-overlord @takeyourleap-of-faith @spenxerslut @violetspoetic @aperrywilliams @b-a-utiful @eevee0722 @srhxpci @reidemandweep @imdefinitelyfloating @random-human-person @gurkiloni @luvspence @calm-and-doctor @ssavanessa22 @singularityjc @sydnee-kom-spacekru @sydneekomspacekru

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gb-patch · 3 years

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Ask Answers: August 8th

Well, doing big posts all together worked for a while but lately I’ve been putting it off because it takes a long time to get them done. I think I’m gonna try switching back to answering asks whenever I can fit it in and posting them one at a time instead of waiting until I’ve filled out one of these major collections.

But for now, here’s more ask answers! Thank you for the questions and for all the kind words along with them ^^.

Hello!! I'm here to ask if its possible to get the game and its dlcs on steam and play it on android?

I’m afraid not. Steam doesn’t have Android builds on their own site and Steam is not cool with keys for other sites being given out for Steam purchases, so you don’t get the Itch version from buying on Steam.

Hello! Sorry to bother you but, I had a question, if we buy the Game on itchio do we get steam keys or would we need to purchase it twice?

You would have to buy it twice if you want it in both places, I’m sorry. To repeat myself a little, Steam doesn’t like the key trading thing. Itch may support giving keys for another site, but the reverse isn’t doable with Steam and Steam doesn’t even really want you to get a Steam key for buying somewhere else either. So we just don’t mess around with that.

hey, sorry if this is frequently asked, but is step 4 free dlc or paid for? some of your sources are contradicting each other.

It’s free! There’s a paid wedding DLC, but Step 4 itself is entirely unpaid.

Hello! I just had a quick question, for the Baxter and Derek DLC's will we be able to confess our feelings to them or let them confess to MC? or will it only be one way? (they confess to MC)

Both type of options will be available!

Hey there! I wanted to ask whether or not the Derek DLC is still on track to be released in August since on the steam discussion board it says it will be released mid 2021. I totally understand if it isn't, I'm just really looking forward to it! If you answer then ty! And keep up the amazing work :D

It’s not, aha. Unfortunately, 2021 wasn’t easier than 2020 as we hoped so things are still slower than planned. It’ll come out late 2021 or early 2022.

Hi! Firstly I just want to say that I LOVE Our Life. I have played a bit of similar games but this one instantly wins for the best one! Everything about it is amazing! I just wanted to ask if Derek would ever lose feelings for MC, like if they make the deal and then MC gets with Cove would he move on? and even if you don't, after "losing contact" would his feeling fade or would he still like MC?

If you don’t really keep in touch with him and clearly move on with your life, Derek will too and he’ll be over it. But if you are still close as best as you can be, he’ll still think the MC is special. Though, he’ll always support your relationship with someone else if that’s what’ll make you happy.

Hello! Sorry if you've answered this before but: 'How's Lee related to us? Though which momma? And does she share our player-chosen last names? Also, do you know if Noelani took Pam's last name or did it happen the other way round?

She’s related to Pamela and Pamela’s last name is the one they use, so the MC has the same last name as Lee.

Will we be able to choose which (they or he) we tend to call Qiu by more often, or will it randomly change depending on the moment?

Qiu knows which pronoun they’re comfortable with at a time and you’ll call them what they’re happy with. And it doesn’t change between lines, it takes multiple scenes or even full Steps for it to switch. So for extended periods Qiu will be totally a guy or fully agender.

Will Step 4 of OL2 have moments?

It’ll be an epilogue like it is in OL1, so it won’t have a bunch of different Moments.

Hello! Just a quick question, is Sunset bird from OL1 based on a real location? If so what's it called? I wanna visit it +_+

ps i love your games so much <3

It isn’t based on one specific town you can go to, but there are a lot of little coastal towns in Cali that have a similar vibe!

Heyaaa ( I hope you're all well ), umm… it might seem kinda stupid to ask but did Patreon members can have a key for the dlc's ( all the steps-released dlc ) even if they became a member this month or later ? (me? saying this cuz it's my case? maybe ;-;), and once again thanks for absolutely all the amazing works on all the games ! u-u

You wouldn’t get the DLCs for backing there. The Patreon is for extra bonus content/early access, rather than being a storefront to purchase the normal DLCs. Rarely we give them out as a side gift, but it hardly happens and if what you want is the DLCs it’s best to ignore the Patreon and buy keys for those directly from Itch or Steam. I’m sorry for the confusion.

Hey y'all, love what youre doing w/Terry. Trans rep outside of player customization is so rare and important to see more of so thank you so much. I do have a question and its that does he have a canon sexuality? I know Miranda was said to be straight ace but I dont believe anything was stated for Terry probably because he wasnt revealed to be a guy which changes things. Im also curious if well get answers on how long hes liked Miranda since he may have liked her in step 3 before she liked him

Terry likes women and Randy likes men! And he did like Miranda back in Step 3.

Will the Wedding Dlc release at the same time as Step 4?

They’ll come out separately with Step 4 releasing first.

I really love Our Life so much! I've spent over 20hours playing it even though I only got it a week ago! I was wondering if I could make a fangame for Our Life with a different love interest but same plot. Next-door neighbors romance, multiple steps, etc? I'll probably make it on Google Slides though-

Sure! I hope you have fun with it and I’m glad you love the game.

How does Cove feel about poly relationships?

He’s got nothing against them for the people they work for, but he’s 100% monogamous and would only be comfortable with a partner who was willing to be monogamous with him.

Idk if this has been answered before but will Step 4 include the option to advance your feelings towards Cove?

Yep, you’ll be able to determine your feelings and what your relationship is.

In step 4 will there be a chosen to say we live with Cove even as just friends?

Yeah, you can choose to live with Cove and that can be done when you’re friends.

I just played the game with the MC and Cove being best friends and omg it’s still so damn cute like the wholesomeness of it all is too much for my heart I swear ^.^ Now with that all said I was wondering can we still marry Cove? if we only love him as a friend like let’s say we’ve made deal with him similar to the one we can make with Derek because let’s real no one could compete with what the MC and Cove have even if they aren’t in love.

It’s great to hear you enjoyed the friendship story! You can live with Cove, but you can’t marry him platonically. Cove has familial affection for the MC if they’re best-est friends. He wouldn’t think to marry someone he loves like family and even grew up with as though they truly were siblings.

Are you still going to be making a DLC for XOBD? :]

Yes! We’re slowing adding voiced lines and fixing errors.

It makes me laugh that Shiloh's last name is Fields because that's what I put as my last name! So in Our Life when he talked about "Ms. Fields" picking him up I was extremely confused, lol. That dude mimics personalities so much that he stole my surname!

Oh, wow, that’s a very funny coincidence, haha.

hi !! i cant seem to be able to get the scene where mc is able to propose to cove despite being at the 'love' stage and telling him i'd want to get married, are there any other details that im missing out on? the options just dont appear at the end...

Maybe you missed telling Cove you were in love with him even if you mentioned wanting to get married or you might’ve accidentally said earlier in the game that you don’t want to progress your relationship further with Cove. We haven’t removed them, so you can get the scene again. It’s just kind of easy to miss since there’s multiple requirements. You can read a little guide in the FAQ.

wait what di you need to do to be able to propose to cove? I've been trying but haven't had much luck

You can check out the FAQ linked above!

does cove only develop a crush on the mc if the mc is also at crush/in love with him?

Technically, yes. We treat the non-romantic relationship options as truly non-romantic since we don’t want to bait and switch people. But there’s nothing wrong with headcanoning that Cove does have feelings developing for the MC even before the MC has.

Is there a way to make/allow Lee and Baxter to date?

No, they just don’t have enough time together.

We also got a group of asks related to Tamarack in OL2, but I’m afraid the way they talked about people with larger bodies made me not want to post their words, even if the person didn’t say they’re trying to be hurtful. I will separate out the core question and answer it though, so people can know that info.

Does Tamarack lose weight in later Steps?

No, she doesn’t. As for the other questions included, to be honest, I don’t have to explain/defend having romance options of different sizes. I’m sorry if you’re dealing with unhappiness that’s connected to body image, if that’s where the negative emotions are coming from, but even so I can’t meet you on that level and pretend it’s a problem that needs an answer. A girl who simply isn’t thin being a main love interest is just not an unreasonable concept. Also, Tamarack isn’t a lesbian. Yes, she can date a female MC, but that doesn’t undo her actual sexuality, so I’m not sure where that one part at the end was coming from.

I wonder... can we "fight" with Qiu over leader status? 👀

Not really, haha. No matter how cool your MC is, they’re never gonna replace Qiu for the other kids around. So you can either partner up with him, follow him too, or not be a part of all that group politics stuff.

So when I play the game, sometimes I mentally call Cove “Covie/Covey” and that made me wonder, how does Cove feel about being nicknamed? Not like Romeo/Space Cadet/etc. but like pet names relating to his actual name

It’d depend on his age, personality, and your relationship with him! When he’s younger he’d probably be embarrassed, when he was grown he’d probably be more casual or happy about it.

will you be able to date baxter in step 3 while at crush with cove (but not dating him ofc) sorry if this has been asked already. i really love baxters step 4 design btw!!

Yeah, you can be crushing on Cove and date Baxter if you weren’t already dating Cove. You just can’t be truly in love with Cove and then switch to Baxter.

I just got my friend into our life, and they adore shiloh and derek sooo will there be more of them in the second game?

I’m afraid not. But you can see plenty more of Shiloh in XOXO Droplets/XOXO Blood Droplets, haha.

I see you haven't gotten any xoxo droplets asks recently but I'm still obsessed with these boys!! I was just wondering if Nate would curse under any circumstance?

Yeah, Nate does use certain swear words (damn, hell, bastard) on very rare occasions.

Hi there! I have a question about the wedding dlc. Will we be able to plan a honeymoon during the planning stages of it or would it be something that Cove and the mc would rather plan later on? Thank you! Absolutly love the game by the way, definitely one of my favorite games!

The focus will be on the wedding day itself. The topic of the honeymoon might come up a bit, but there won’t be any choosing of the exact location and such.

Hi! I have two questions and it's completely understandable if you only answer one/neither and I'm sorry if you've already answered either before! First, is there a set year in which OL:B&A takes place (ex: Step 1 being set in 2010 & Step 2 being set in 2016, etc.) or is it simply up to interpretation? Second, have you guys thought about doing a coming-of-age game where the MC has a tough home life or upbringing? (like one of their parents is an addict, a parent being transphobic whilst the player has the option to be trans, or having friends that are influencing them to do drugs, etc.) That's all! Thanks for making beautiful games. <3

There is a set timeline!

Step 1: 2006 Step 2: 2011 Step 3: 2016 Step 4: 2021

And we don’t currently plan on making a game like that. The Our Life series exists to be a safer environment for people to play around in and if we did do a brand new series that was harsher edged it’d be something more fantastical and/or plot-driven instead of a different type of modern day slice-of-life growing up story. I’m sorry.

i don’t know if you’ve already answered this, but do you have a guess on when phase 4 will come out? as well as ol2? i’m so excited for both of them, the inclusivity in this game is amazing, you guys should be really proud of it!

Step 4 will be coming out very soon! OL2 is gonna take until 2023 to be anywhere near completion. But we might episodically release the Steps one at a time as they get done instead of waiting for three to be finished before launch like we did with the first game.

Hello, I was curious if there was an official or unofficial discord server for the game?

We do have a discord! You can join by clicking this link HERE.

how long do you plan to keep ol's patreon running?

Hopefully for at least a few more years.

Are you considering ever making merch?

Yeah, but I don’t know when it’ll happen or what exactly we’ll make, aha. It’s something we want do, just nothing is set.

hi! i just found out about your game a couple of days ago on tiktok (so sorry if you’ve already answered this question) and i was wondering if y’all are ever planning to release it on iOS?

I have no idea. It’s hard for a small group to get Apple approval and I honestly can’t say if it’ll ever happen or not. Maybe someday, though!

Hi, I love the art style of Our life and I would like to know if the artist has a Twitter? Also, could it be possible to fund more CGs for the game from him/her? So many times, I wish there was one like when the cutscene of the sunshower.

That’s nice of you to offer. He doesn’t have a Twitter, at least not one that’s public enough to be shared with me. And I’m afraid not. The issue is that the CGs take huge amounts of time rather than there not being a budget for it. He’s gotta make CGs for Step 4, the DLCs, and new character sprites, too. There isn’t space in the schedule for even more. Sorry for that.

Hi, how are you?!

Are you planning on accepting new writers or is it always the same people who write your stories??

Thanks!!

Our Life: Beginnings & Always won’t be getting new writers, but we will be hiring a new team of writers for Our Life: Now & Forever eventually!

perhaps this counts as nsfw and I'm sure it has been answered before but what does Cove prefer, chests/boobs or butts? or perhaps both :3c thank you for this wonderful game (and the patreon bonus moment, it was worth all the waiting and more ♥)

He’s a “chests of all shapes and sizes” kind of guy, haha.

i was wondering- did any of the writers actually grow up by the beach? as someone who's lived in a beach town all their life it really did feel nostalgic to play through our life 1

I was born and raised in Cali! Though, not right by the beach. We still had to make trips out, but the setting is based on my own childhood memories of small beach towns we went through.

In Derek’s upcoming DLC, will we be able to reference the pact we made as teens? (love olba and xod/xobd so much btw you’re literally amazing)

Yep, you will be able to talk about that!

Oh, sorry about the Cole being secretly L ask, then!

If you wanted context: Death Note is about this one guy who finds a notebook that kills anyone who you write the name of in there. The guy eventually develops a God Complex and starts mass killing criminals and stuff. L is the one trying to find out who is killing all these people.

Me and my sister first joked about it because I couldn't remember how to translate a word about the way Cove was sitting, so I just did the pose, and it looked a lot like how L himself sits! Then we just snowballed from there, with more and more nonsense connections.

That’s okay! Thanks for explaining. I’m sorry I didn’t know what you meant.

#our life #ask #gb patch #gb patch games

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aprito · 3 years

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hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me)

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please)

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since.

so finally we can move to the first question

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara.

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

#nonitxt #meta #another hot take from me #but seriously if you're offended over these #unfollow me lol idc #defending predatory content is not a hill im gonna die on in this life

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shawnpetermuffins · 5 years

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Pictured with You (x.)

A/n: yo, I know I said I was done with the angst, but like I fully didn't intend for this chapter to go this way. AND IT WASNT UNTIL I FINISHED THIS CHAPTER THAT I REMEMBERED IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN SHAWN'S POV. I'M DUMB, BUT I WAS ALSO TOO LAZY TO CHANGE IT. Also, sorry in advance for ch. 11, which will also be angsty.

Summary: everything was fine. Or it should have been. Guess y/n and Shawn just can't catch a break.

Warnings: ANGST, but also a little fluff

Word count: 2.5k

***

My breathing finally slows after nearly thirty minutes of uncontrollable sobs that Shawn somehow manages to hold me through. His back is against the tub, and mine against his chest, seeing as this was the only way he could hold me without me fighting him. I'm playing with his long fingers and he let's me, knowing I need the distraction before I breakdown again.

"Your ring is pretty," I say, barely above a whisper.

He hums with a gentle kiss on the crown of my head before he slips it off. "Give me your hand," he requests, voice still muffled by my hair, which has to be tickling his nose. I don't know how he's stayed in this position for so long. I hold my hand out for him and he pushes the ring gently on my middle finger, then brings my hand to his lips, and presses a gentle kiss to the band. "Looks good on you."

I can't help but smile at the small compliment, but I turn back, looking into his beautiful, memorizing eyes that hold that honey hue in the bright bathroom. "Hey, rockstar?"

"Hmm?" He brushes a strand of hair away from my face, looking intently in my eyes.

"I'm sorry this happened." My eyes avert to the pregnancy test sitting beside us. "I know this is completely stressful for you. I shouldn't have brought you into this."

He shakes his head, "don't do that." He sighs, hand running through his fluffy curls. "Don't pretend that you needed to do this alone. You had every right to tell me." He picks up the test with, what I can only take as a relieved sigh. "And now we know. We have nothing to worry about."

I nod, staring gratefully at the negative test in his large hand. "Yeah. We got lucky."

"We did. So we'll just be more careful next time," he says with a smirk, nudging my cheek with his nose. "I'll wear two condoms," he jokes.

I want to laugh, I really do. "Shawn…"

A frown sets deep in his face. "What's wrong?"

I lick my lips and run my thumb over his clenched jaw. "You know we can't do this again, right?"

"Why not?" He pulls back, clearly frustrated. "Y/n, we have feelings for each other. Mine aren't just gonna go away like that."

"I'm not saying they have to. We just… we can't do this on tour. It's not right."

"It feels right."

I can't deny that. It does. It feels right and comfortable being with him. But it's not easy. It can never be easy with our chosen careers. "We both have jobs to do. This is my job, Shawn. Traveling and taking pictures. That's what I'm paid to do."

"And being able to sleep with me should be an extra bonus." He tries to joke, but his tone is laced with bitterness.

I deflate. "What if I promise you someday?"

"Someday?"

"Can we just… can we wait until tour is over to try this? I want it to be something real. Not you wanting me because I'm your age and I'm right here and it's easy for you."

"That's never what it is."

I swallow the lump in my throat. "Then we'll wait the six months?"

He smiles lazily at me. "We'll wait the six months."

I hold my pinky out to him, "friends?"

"Friends," he locks our fingers. "For now at least," he replies with a wicked grin.

I can only smile back. "You're something else, Mendes."

"You're everything," he whispers, and I glare at him, even though the blush on my cheeks betrays what I should be conveying, which is annoyance.

"Friends don't say that to each other."

He nods grimly, "I know. Just… had to get it out of my system."

I hum, "well if we're getting things out of our system," I take his face in my hands and press my lips to his. And like he's starved for it, he deepens the kiss, arms wrapping around my middle, bringing me impossibly closer to his hoodie covered upper body.

"Can friends sleep in the same bed?" he asks against my lips, fully out of breath, but leaning in again before I can answer.

I manage to pull away seconds later though, replacing my mouth with my fingertips, which he doesn't hesitate to pepper with tiny kisses. "They can if that's all they do."

"Promise." He's moved to my cheeks now, kissing each side, then my forehead, and eyelids and nose. And I'm a giggling mess, but I don't ask him to stop. I don't want him to. I let him continue until he's on top of me, laughing against my neck and we're both just intensely giddy and tired at the same time. When we've both caught our breath, he rests his head on my chest and I run my fingers lazily through his hair. "We should go to sleep," he mumbles. "We have to be up in three hours." He lifts himself from the ground and dusts himself off.

I groan, "Oh goodie."

"Come on, y/n." Shawn holds his hands out for me and I place my palms in his, allowing him to help me to my feet. "Let's get you to bed.

---

"You feeling better?" Connor asks at breakfast, voice low enough that only I can hear.

I nod, "Yeah. It was definitely just a twenty-four hour thing."

I watch his shoulders visibly relax. "Thank God. Did you take a test? Does he know?"

"Con, I don't want to talk about this."

"Well, you're sitting together again. I'm assuming you talked after I left."

I roll my eyes and grab his arm. "Excuse us," I say to the table, which is just Shawn and Brian. I take him to a secluded corner and cross my arms over my chest. "Okay, we need boundaries."

He laughs, "What?"

"Boundaries? Ever heard of them?"

"Of course I have. However, I didn't know our friendship had those."

"That's very clear."

He frowns, "What is going on with you today? You're not pregnant. You on your period or something? You shouldn't be. That's usually the end of the month, right?"

"See? That. That's why we need boundaries!"

"Y/n, we've been friends since we were kids. Of course I know when your period is."

"That's not what I'm concerned about!"

"Then what is it?"

"I don't want to talk to you about the status of my relationship with Shawn anymore."

Connor rolls his eyes, "You're kidding."

"Does it look like I'm kidding?" I challenge. But he's not intimidated. He never has been.

"Why is he suddenly off limits then?" He crosses his arms too, and rolls his head back before glaring at me sideways.

"This isn't your relationship," I say simply. "You and I have always been friends, and then we were more than that for a little bit. And you've always looked out for me. I get that. I really do. I am grateful for it. But at some point, you're going to have to let me make the mistakes I'm supposed to make. And you have to let me see for myself if Shawn and I will work out. You can't just… insert yourself before anything happens."

"I'm just trying to make sure you don't get hurt."

"I'm not fragile, Con! I'm just as capable of hurting him, you know." I lift my arms in exaggeration. "I'm not going to break at the slightest thing. I am a big girl and I can take care of myself. So this is the last time we talk about this. Shawn and I agreed to stay friends - just friends- the remainder of the tour. And then, if we still want each other the same way, we'll try dating when we get back home. But this is it. I don't want to talk about this with you because you make it so hard. Just… let me be me, okay?"

He looks down, defeated. "Okay. No more Shawn talk." He sighs and holds his palm out, expecting a high five. "Still best friends?" He asks with a lopsided smile.

I ignore his hand and embrace him warmly. "Always."

---

It's been a few days since our late night drug store adventure, and Shawn and I are in his dressing room, scrolling through some of the photos I had taken of him when we were out sightseeing earlier in the day when Andrew walks in, seemingly pissed, followed by Cez who doesn't seem to be any happier.

"What's this?" Andrew shoves his phone in front of Shawn's face and he squinted at the sudden, close brightness. But I'm far enough away to see it perfectly clear.

It's a photo. Of me in his red hoodie, hands in the large pocket, and his arm wrapped around my shoulders, lips pressed to my temple. We're walking out of the drug store, so much closer than we should have been, I know. I knew it then too, but it's hard to tell his boy no. I look away from the phone, too stunned that someone saw us that late at night. That they took that photo. That it's now probably on every social media sight and everyone could be speculating right now.

"I can explain," Shawn starts to defend himself - us - before Andrew interrupts him.

"So not only did they catch you kissing her, but you also went out, ALONE, without telling somebody. Shawn, I don't care what time it is, we need to know where you are at all times because we can't risk you getting mobbed by fans."

He goes to speak again, but now Cez is yelling. "What were you even doing at a twenty-four hour drugstore? You couldn't have gotten what you needed down in the lobby? You had to leave after midnight to get something? What was so important that it couldn't wait?"

"It's my fault," I speak up because I can't let Shawn get blamed for this. "I wasn't feeling good and I needed to get medicine. I'd checked the lobby when we got back, but they didn't have what I needed." I swallow the lump in my throat, "Shawn just went to make sure I didn't get lost or something. It was all me."

"Y/n, no it wasn't." Shawn says, obviously bewildered as to why I felt the need to lie for him. "Don't fucking lie for me." He turns back to the two grown, fairly angry men standing over us. "It was me. She didn't want to go. I made her. Okay? I'm sorry I left without telling you, but seriously? I'm twenty-two fucking years old. Let me breathe a little." He stands up, towering over Andrew. I don't think I've ever seen him look so intimidating… and frankly, quite hot. (But I shouldn't be thinking that because we're just friends and friends don't say that about each other.)

But Andrew doesn't back down. "Look, I don't care why you were out. You can't leave without security. And you can't be seen with a girlfriend right now."

"No, Andrew," I stand from my place on the couch. "We're not - I'm not his girlfriend."

Just as Andrew says, "That makes it even harder to explain." Shawn grumbles, "Yeah, made damn sure of that, didn't you?"

I don't pay his manager any attention now, because all I can do is stare painfully at the tall man standing next to me. "Are you serious? You're really going to say that shit right now?"

"What's going on?" I hear Brian whisper to Cez, but I'm too angry and hurt by Shawn's words that I can't be bothered to look in their direction. Andrew seems to have dropped his outwardly upset demeanor because I can feel him eyeing Shawn and then me, back and forth, nervously.

"Y/n."

"I told you to give me six months! I wanted to avoid all of this!" I exclaim, gesturing to the room that's now pretty much full of everyone wanting to watch this shitshow. "But you just can't handle being told no, can you?"

"Hey," he puts an arm out to reach for me, but I pull away instantly. "Y/n, that's not what this is."

"I get it. You're Shawn Mendes. You're known all around the world and any woman in their right mind would drop to their knees to be with you. But I've seen, first hand, what your lifestyle entails. And I'll be honest, whether I like you or not, I don't know if I can be in it. Especially not if it's going to lead to this every single time." I push past the crew in this now crowded room, bumping shoulders with Connor, who reaches for my wrist.

He gives me a look that rests somewhere between sympathetic and 'I told you so.' I scoff and keep walking until I round the corner a couple hundred feet away.

I'm wiping at my fallen tears when I hear the unmistakable voice of my curly head boy, only this time he holds so much contempt. "Fucking hell! Can I not deal with just one thing on my own?! One thing where I don't have 100 different people watching and telling me what to do?! Just leave me alone!" His hard footsteps sound from down the hall. And then they stop, and his voice catches me off guard.

"Y/n, I'm sorry!" He yells from wherever he is. "Please come talk to me." He's closer now, each step heavier than the last. He sighs in relief when he finds me. "There you are."

I shake my head, "Shawn, no."

"Just let me apologize. Okay? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't," he takes another deep breath. "I didn't mean for that to come out. Especially not the way it did."

"You don't want to wait, Shawn. And I can't be with you right now. What are we supposed to do about this? I begged you to give me time. You said you would give me that. But it's obvious that that's not good enough for you."

"No, honey. It's enough. I swear it is. Andrew just drives me crazy and I said things I didn't mean."

"You and I both know… some part of you believes what you said. We're too different, bub. It's never gonna work out with us. I think, even if we deny it like there's no tomorrow, we know that." I cup one side of his face and he falls into my touch, placing a kiss to my wrist. "It's best if we just kept it professional from now on."

His eyes are glassy, "But-"

"I'm your photographer. Nothing more."

"We can't even be friends anymore?"

I deflate, "We were kidding ourselves thinking we could ever be just friends after that night." I pat his chest and make my way around him, back to the dressing room to get my camera. The room is still crowded, everyone stops in their tracks when they see me. I roll my eyes; this is all so high school, the way everything is being handled. I look up, annoyed, my camera strap around my neck. "Don't we have sound check to get to?"

Andrew clears his throat, "y/n."

I hold my hand up, "Don't worry, Andrew. His precious reputation will stay in tact. Excuse me," I leave the room in a hurry, passing a series of dumbfounded faces on my way to the stage.

***

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misskaygray-blog · 5 years

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Model, producer and co-creator

Model, producer and co-creator of YouTube channel ComeCurious, Reed is essentially the physical embodiment of sex positivity, which she defines as trying to make people feel like what theyre doing and what theyre into isnt wrong, its normal and its absolutely fine. Shes a huge advocate for removing stigma and taboos around sex, and we caught up with her to learn more about webcamming, a line of sex work that is seldom talked about. That wasn't always the case. Before she started stripping — both online and off — Domino was a suit: working at a Fortune 500 company as a graphic designer. She quit the firm out of boredom in 2010, and now mainly flexes her aesthetic skills to push her online sex shows. Unlike most cam girls, Domino isn't affiliated with a network like LiveJasmin. She's completely independent, streaming strip and fetish sex shows from her home studio, straight from a website she built herself. Stripping at a local joint came first, but after breaking her wrist, Domino segued away from brick and mortar clubs. She'd heard there was good money to be made doing pretty much the same stuff online — and she could be her own boss.How did you get into webcamming?Part of the misconception comes from the fact that it's not policed. It's a very underground industry, and there's no governing body you can turn to, so people can be taken advantage of. It's an online community and it's hard to police. Anything can go wrong; people can be abusive and feel like they can go away with it, but then you can also just turn off the screen. But many women feel like they need to stay because of the money. I've never felt like I had to do that, but then again, it's the same when people stay in the wrong job for so long because they're scared of leaving and losing that financial security. It's so close to the porn industry and a lot of the sex industry isn't policed. If you have a problem and you go to the police about it, most of the time they'll just say well, you're asking for it, which is not acceptable. We're freelance and self-employed. We work for ourselves and these are our decisions, and we should be respected in the same way everyone else is respected.

As with most sex work, webcamming doesn’t have the best reputation. It’s often seen as exploitation or a last-resort hustle to pay off debt, but Reed Amber, 26, explains how webcam models are just your average self-employed freelancers with the same amount of agency and independence as anyone else.For the unfamiliar, camming is where clients pay to either watch a livestream of or have an individual video chat with a sex worker. It can’t be pirated and watched for free because the whole point of it is that it’s intimate and personal—you’re actually interacting with the person behind the screen.So as I sat there, in front of my laptop, I thought to myself, Why didnt I just respond the way that I normally do when somebody proclaims something which I dont agree with? Why didnt I just say, firmly but reasonably, you are wrong and these are the reasons why… Perhaps it was because it was so personal, that I felt like for once, I wasnt defending femininity as a whole, but just myself. Which on the surface would seem like a less daunting task, but for me it left me stumped. I knew that I was a feminist and it wasnt often that I had to justify myself to anybody. I was used to breaking down all the reasons that men used to justify their behavior.And as a cam girl, you won't know where it's coming from. You'll get your split — typically around 35-percent, but sometimes upwards of 70 — siphoned to you via an innocuous credit card processing site like CCBill, while the site takes the rest of the cut. However you earn that cut is up to you. Some sites, like Streamate, allow actual sex to the point of orgy, while others limit your act to a solo show. You can do whatever you think will earn cash in the form of dollars-per-minute private shows or instant "tips". That's the formula. You're up against tens of thousands of women (and men, to a lesser degree) offering the same product in varying versions. That's a tough stab at making a living, even with your clothes on.

If abuse were such a big problem, Anna says, then why would any Romanian girls bother with it at all? Why wouldn't they just find some other job? In a country whose GDP only stopped shrinking two years ago, with 20 per cent of the population living below the poverty line and personal income levels far below Kazakhstan, Iran and Gabon, that question answers itself. There's a reason Anna's so happy to be independent from her former employers, a status she equates with nothing less than her "freedom".Her conditions at the next studio were bare at best, and at times the most personal privacy she had, while performing for strangers on live camera, were a few hanging sheets separating her from the others walking in and out of some rundown flat. Although she was the frequent victim of what would certainly qualify as flagrant, physical sexual harassment in any other business, Anna stuck through it, priding herself on her ability to talk a path out of a "bad situation" with male employers.Youd think that all an Insta celeb has to do is look hot, but its actually a full time job. Ona Artist posts new photos every day and does a week of photoshoots every month. She manages all her social media and built her own website. The way her business model works is that she advertises on Instagram and from there, people can go to her private site and cam with her naked. On Instagram, because of censorship restrictions, you cant see her nude. So, the more you want from her, the more you pay, and the more explicit it gets. It's just like any other online business, really.It happened through a friend of a friend of mine. Thats usually how these things go. She had found, through a network of girls, a website that paid decent money for cam girling if you put the work in. I signed up, submitted my name, ID, bank details and some photos and within 24 hours I was approved as a bonafide Cam Girl with no bloody idea of what I was doing. CONTINUED BELOW...

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prissypickle · 5 years

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I did it

One year ago today I finished highschool. One year ago today I finished the toughest journeys of all times. Highschool was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. There was so many people who ruined it but there was so many people who made it better for me. My freshman year I attempted suicide and was admitted to a mental hospital and and no school wanted to take me in. At the time Fir Ridge Campus didn’t take in freshman. So I had no choice but to drop out. David Douglas straight up told me that I couldnt go there. I had too many problems and They couldn’t give me an education. In spring of my freshman year I enrolled in an online school called metro east web academy. Of course with all my mental health issues I had no motivation to do any of it. In the end I only got one credit for it. And that was for creative writing. I’m with ICTS which is where people come outd to your house three times a week for therapy. So I was with them for six months. It was hard saying goodbye. But then I went yo seeing a therapist once a week. I was still cutting often. But back to my schooling, I didn’t do anything and my mom was so pissed at the david doglas school district because the refused to put me in a school and finally she wrote a three page nasty letter saying how I needed to be in a school and thats how I got to fir ridge.

My freshman year I was so scared. I couldn’t tell you how scared I was. I didn’t go to school. I was fucked up in the head, cutting and I didn’t know anyone. So I didn’t really talk to anyone on my first day. But within a few days I met a small group of friends that I could relate to. Which was great. The next best thing was that there was a school counselor and a therapist that came to the school. So on top of going to seeing a therapist once a week I went to see him once a week. He was from Trillium services. He was a great therapist. I saw him from 45 minutes to an hour. My school counselor was mamed Michael and he was probably the best counselor anyone could ask for. He understood me. When I needed my space he let me sit in the office or library and do my work. When I had my mental break downs he gave me a quiet space. He was amazing. I have terrible anxiety with loud noises and whenever we had a firedrill I would cry and have a panic attack when there was he warned me and brought me to the office telling me when so I wasnt as afraid. As I said. He was the best school counselor anyone could ask for.

I had this friend. Her name was Iris. I cared for her so so much she was my first friend I made in middle school and she went to a diffent school but she had problems at the time and so she was looking into my school and I was thrilled. But before ahe came she also had issues and so she went to a rehab place. I called her family every day to see how she was doing. I sent flowers and cards because well, wouldn’t a best friend do that? When she got out she started at Fir Ridge Campus a bit later. I was so happy we reunited again. We started having sleep overs and everything. Okay? But one time during a sleepover she stole her parents credit card and bought something, which was a peircing kit and I had no idea so she came to my house when it was delivered and took it before I was home. I’ll also mention around two years ago she stole my ipod. But anyway so this happened and it happened once more but with tea but ahe sent it to her house instead of mine. So her mom was like “you arent ever allowed to see her again” blaming me for her daughter peircing herself. That was the hardest thing for me to hear because she was my best friend. Or so I thought she was. I believe this was all happening during my Junior year or late sophomore I cant remember it was so hectic. Ill come back to this bitch a little bit later.

But my Junior year I did this amazing thing called camp pheniox. That was the second the best and worst part of highschool. Its a two day overnight camp plus 4 weeks of after care. During the two nights you broke yourself down talking about the horrible things in life and at the end you are rebuilding yourself and raising up into a pheniox. During the process you did multiple activites which were happy, sad and heartbreaking realizing how fucked up and broken you were on the inside. One of the days you clumb a tree and tell everyone what you committ to. And I said I committ to my family and my support system. And then you had to walk on a tightrope with another person and jump when you couldnt do it anymore. And the other classmates are completely in control of the rope and your harness. Then the second activity we did was get in a harness and go up and your classmates pull you up until you say stop. Basically a gaiant swing okay. So I was letting go past teachers which I will get on explaining to more. And then letting in good teachers and then you yank it and I did a 90 foot free fall and holy shit was that fun. As i said it was the best and wors part of it because i landed up in teen intensive outpatient because I was cutting and I was extremely depressed.

But back to the teacher thing. There was a history teacher her name was Karen and she was a bitch to me. She hated me. And She KNEW i struggled with anxiety and she KNEW that I hated being with loud people and so I always needed to go to the office to see a counselor and I always finished up my work at home. And finally she was like you have to go to detention to finish this. And so Im in the office complete sobbing and my council waves it off. And other time with her was when my counselor talked to her about it she didnt talk to me for 3 DAYS like seriously she was so immature. Then When I came back from thr weekend she didnt call on anyone else but me. Then at the end of the week there was a new seating chart and I came in late because I was talking yo the trillium therapist okay and she shows me my seat and Im calm and I say no. And shes like yes. And I calmly explain to her why I cant go sit next to him because be gave me anxiety. And then she PROCEEDS to yell at me infront of the whole class who is now stairing at me and Im completely crying now infront of the class go to the principals office to fucking write me a refferl because i was arguing with her. Which the princapal immediately threw it out. The princapal at the time was absolutely amazing. She took me out on the track as I cried and walked with me.

So my junior year is happening and I went to camp pheniox and outdoor school it was great okay. So I went to outdoor school for my third session and I broke my ankle and had to stay home for a week and you remember this Iris girl who is my best friend??? Well not anymore. When I was away at outdoor school where I couldn’t DEFEND myself she went to the counselor and said. That I raped her and drugged her with majauana. And In like balling my eyes out because Im so fucking confused and why she did that. And so the counselor literally asked if I did it and Im like what the fuck do you really think I did it. And Im like crying at her because Im so upset. Like who in the right mind would accuse someone of rape. I mean I work with children. I was a swim instructor at the time. If she went to the police I could’ve been arrested and fired from my job which she didnt go because she knew she was a lying skank ass bitch. Also they couldve drug tested me because I wasnt even smoking at the time! And so Im in the office and my counselor is like “what are you feeling?” And I littlerly upfront say” I want to punch this bitch in the face,” she she looked at me “you cant do that” and Im like “no shit I cant do it. I want to but tgat doesnt mean I am going to.” And she sighs like after and hour of fuming she tells me Im not allowed to tell ANYONE and Im like fine whatever.

But I go to my momma jill and tell her and I like an crying to her and shes just holding me. But seriously then the vice principal calls me in during third period to talk more about what happened ALSO i had a freaking alliby because I was at fucking teen Intensive outpaitent during the time she accused me! Basically it was a whole clusterfuck

. It got 100% worse when there was an assembly and youll never guess who was running it the skank ass Iris. So she started talking about rape. And then she says “someone here raped me” and then she looked over at me. I kid you not. And my dad was there and he stood up and I cant remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of “you shouldnt accuse anyone of rape either,” he said or something like that Im to busy crying and my teacher holding my hand. Finally my dad comes over to me and says were leaving. So my worst fear now the whole school knows that Iris accused me of rape and drugging her. So im literally in the gym having the WORST mental breakdown of my life and I mean screaming at the too of my lungs dropping to the knees hitting the floor. There was the security guy and Joey one of the teachers along with the princapal and vice principal trying to calm me down. And my dads crying because hes upset because of what Iris had said. And they told me to stay home for a few days until I could calm down.

So I came bac the following monday. I was so depressed I wanted to die. I almost had another suicide attempt but I thought about Taylor Swift and how I would never get t meet her and that just made me hold onto life just a little bit longer. So by the end of the year it was time for prom and so I was nominated for.... you guessed it prom court equivalent to prom princess/prince and can you guesd who was nominated too? That bitch Iris. So we were BOTH up against each other and trust me I was NOT going to let her win. So I baked my ass off and probably made over 200 cupcakes and fed them to the entire school and when I was time for prom. I won. I won prom princess. That was the best night of my entire life. My entire highschool carrer I felt normal. Everything was perfect

. Soon my Junior year ended. And summer came and went and my Senior yesr started. I only needed 1 credit to graduate .5 government .5 global studies. So I took government first which I got like knocked down a ton because i refused to do presentations because i hate speaking infront of a class but I still passed with a A. Then global studies I REFUSED to take with Karen again. So I did 5 at least 250 page packets in one quarter. And I still graduated early two quarters early. I started school my sophomore year because they didnt count it as a freshman and ended my senior year. I worked my ass off. And I graduated in 2 1/2 years. I graduated. I did it. I made it. Evern after a suicide attempt. Witnessing my mom attempt suicide my sophmore year, Iris accusing me of rape. All of that and I still graduated and I was second in class too. I’ve never been more proud of myself in my entire life. I didnt think id ever make it here. I thought in 2014 I was going to die. But I didnt. I’m still here. Alive and succeeding in life. Im a caregiver now. I’m getting my CNA in July. I made it. I did it.

#little #babygirl #little space #baby #little girl #little one #age regression #princess #daddy #mommy #my story #graduation #class of 2018 #highschool #high school

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vandnana · 3 years

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Loving You Is Easy

Part Fourteen

“Chanyeol, what are you trying to say? Just spit it out already. You’re making me nervous.” I had awoken from my nap after two hours, and while I felt refreshed, Chanyeol’s expression was completely drained, and his eyes were sunken.

He started off telling me something, but couldn’t finish his sentences. It was like the words in his mouth all tried to come out at once, but changed their mind, falling back into the depths of his brain.

“Okay, I’m just going to say this now. You’re not going to like what I’m going to tell you. I don’t like what I’m going to tell you. I hate it, but it’s happening.” His voice was hurried and panicky, as if his voice would stop working if he didn’t get everything out quick enough.

I held his hand, which seemed to calm him down. “What is it?”

Chanyeol swallowed hard, breathing in deeply to mentally prepare himself for my reaction.

“I can’t make it to your exhibition opening.”

My face fell and my heart sank. My eyes were disoriented as I searched his face for answers.

“W-why not?”

He looked away for a second, gathering his words before meeting my eyes again. He explained everything to me, anticipating my anger or disappointment. But, I couldn’t be either. All I could do was understand in front of him, but inside, I was aching.

“It’s okay, Chanyeol. I’m not mad or anything.”

His eyes lit up, but he was still unsure, “You’re not?”

“No. I can’t be mad at you for wanting to help your friends. And at least you tried to tell them about it. Were they weirded out that you wanted to go to an art exhibit? It’s not really a regular ‘Chanyeol’ thing to do.”

“O-oh yeah. They were a little skeptical about it...”

But the thing was, they weren’t because Chanyeol never actually told them. He gulped as he felt shame spiral inside of him.

“Is it really that bad over there that you need to help them?” I was genuinely curious, and a little taken aback.

Chanyeol only sighed, “Yeah, every time I come back there’s always something wrong.”

“Why don’t you teach them how to do all that stuff?”

“Oh. I’ve tried. Ugh. This is just so frustrating. I really don’t want to go. I want to be here with you, and go to your exhibit.”

My heart softened and I pulled him into a hug, “More than anyone else, I wanted you to be with me, but your friends need you too.”

“Yeah, but this is one of your dreams, June. This is one of those things that are once-in-a-lifetime. It’s your first of many. I hate myself for missing it.”

I rubbed his back soothingly, “Chanyeol, it’s honestly okay. These are just things we can’t control. And besides, you just have to miss the opening, right? You can come see it on the other days.”

“It’s not the same though.” He pursed his lips at me, the disappointment he held in his eyes remaining.

I laughed at his poutiness, pulling away slightly to look at him. “You’re making yourself feel more bad than you need to. It’s fine, alright?”

Chanyeol fell back on the bed, grumbling loudly, then rolled himself off onto the floor. I leaned over to see him holding his chest, his face scrunched in a pain that I couldn’t tell was real or not.

I let out a snort, and hopped off the bed. “Get off the floor Chanyeol. Shouldn’t you be packing or something? You have to leave super early if you want to get there on time.”

He contorted his face even more, “Nooo, I don’t need to. I have a lot of stuff at the house still. Just let me be miserable on the floor.”

“Well, you should pack some things. What if something happens when you’re on the train? You never know, right?”

I walked over to the drawer, opening it to reveal the endless shirts that Chanyeol had. I brushed my finger against the stacks of clothes, then pulled out the ones I thought he looked good in. The smell of citrus and sandalwood lightly clung to his clothes, intoxicating my nose. I drooped my shoulders as I held onto the shirts I picked.

I thought that telling him I was okay with him leaving would make me eventually believe it, but there was an undeniable pit in my stomach.

“You really have to go, huh?” I let out intensely quiet, allowing my unadulterated thoughts to come out of my mouth. I didn’t mean for Chanyeol to hear me, but somehow he did, feeling the dismay that hung in the air from my words.

He got up from the floor and hugged me from behind, “I won’t go if you really don’t want me to. I-I’ll find a way to help them and stay here.”

I shook my head. “No, you don’t need to do that. If you don’t go and help them, they’ll all lose something. We can make up for lost time when you get back.”

He hugged me tighter, “I’ll make this up to you when I get back, okay? I promise.”

I rubbed his arm, and the guilt that consumed him eased slightly. “Alright, just let me do this one thing for you, then.”

“Okay, you can pick out my clothes, even though it’s completely unnecessary. Actually, maybe I’ll miss you less ‘cause I’ll know that you picked these out for me.”

“That’s sweet of you to say. I think being in this room all by myself will make me miss you more.”

“You can sleep next to Halmeoni. Speaking of which, I need to go tell her that I’m leaving. I’ll be right back.” Chanyeol let go, the warmth from his embrace still circling around me.

I nodded, and he left the room. I gathered up all of the clothes that I wanted Chanyeol to wear, finding a small duffel bag to put them in. After I neatly placed the clothes in there, I laid back down on the bed and grabbed my phone, waiting for Chanyeol to get back. But he didn’t return for a while. Halmeoni was scolding him for leaving, channeling anger that she harbored for his friends onto him. They argued back and forth about the reasons behind the friendship. Mostly, she complained about their pig-like behavior and incompetency, but Chanyeol defended his friends. Back and forth, they clashed over the subject.

In the room, I was reading a book on my phone about the Do’s and Don’ts of Different Types of Sculpting Clay when Kai texted.

Kai:

Can you facetime?

Instead of replying, I called him and he picked up right away.

“What’s up?” I asked, smiling at his giggly expression.

“Okay, so I was working on the dress that I thought you could wear to the opening, and I needed your opinion because...it’s your dress.” Kai chimed excitedly, flipping his camera over to show one of his mannequins wearing a long black dress.

The dress was far from simple. It was slitted and had a low ‘v’ neck that accentuated the chest. It was intricately decorated with an array of silver glittery beads, all varying in sizes in shapes that somehow all fit together.

“Kai, that dress is so pretty! But isn’t the dress code semi-formal? That looks pretty formal to me.”

“No, this is definitely semi-formal. Trust me. Anyways, there’s something missing. I can’t think of anything to add, so you tell me what you want.”

“Okay. Stay still for a second then.”

Kai adjusted the camera angle, then obliged. He was silent and still as I inspected the dress. I couldn’t think of a single thing to add or change, but Kai was a perfectionist, and if I didn’t give him an answer, he would lose his mind.

“How about you...add something around the waist.”

Kai flipped the camera back to his face, his expression suddenly enlightened. “My god, June, you’re a genius. I’ll add a thin velvet string to cinch the waist. I’m going to do that right now. Give me like two minutes.”

I went back to reading my book as I waited for him, but Chanyeol came back, his face sour from the fight he had with Halmeoni. He didn’t say anything to me, and plopped himself on the bed, putting his head in my lap. I didn’t push him to talk about what happened, and my hands naturally found their way to his hair, playing with the brown strands delicately.

“Okay, I’m done! Turn your camera back on.” Kai beamed, and I came back to the FaceTime screen.

Chanyeol’s ears perked up at the voice, but he didn’t want to be obvious like he was at the restaurant. Instead, he buried his face into my stomach in an attempt to hide the jealousy that was rising inside of him.

Kai showcased the dress, turning the mannequin slowly, “What do you think?”

“I don’t know why you even ask me anymore. You know that I love everything you make. Did you put the beads on all yourself?”

“Yeah I did, but this isn’t a new dress. I made this last year, it took months to make this one dress. But...it was worth it in the long run though ‘cause you’ll get to wear it on your big night. I just know you’re going to show up everyone there.”

“I can’t believe you’re letting me wear that dress. I don’t feel worthy. Alsoooo, It’s not gonna be a fashion show, Kai. Don’t get too excited.”

“Are you joking me right now? I’m not worthy to make dresses for you. And, every event is a fashion show. If you don’t show up in an amazing outfit, then...what the fuck is the point? You gotta let everyone know you’re the shit.”

“You are worthy, so shut up. And you’ve got a point. I feel powerful in a nice outfit.”

“See? No doubt, You’re easily going to be the prettiest one there.”

I laughed at the idea, and Chanyeol unburied his face to peer up at me. Inside, he wanted to end the call and appease himself, but it wasnt his place.

“I don’t think so, maybe you’ll be the prettiest. You always look so nice every single day I see you. There’s literally never been a day when you didn’t look good. It’s the fashion major in you, I guess.” I didn’t think about the implications of what I said, innocently letting the words flow out of my mouth as I smiled back at Kai.

I was focused on Kai’s face to notice that Chanyeol looked panicked.

“I thought you said that Chanyeol looked good in everything. Did you... change your mind?” Kai’s tone suddenly became suggestive as he subconsciously followed his sister’s advice.

Chanyeol couldn’t help but lift his head up slightly, his face scrunched as he anticipated what I would say. I glanced down at him, the embarrassment from earlier finding me again as I remembered how much I dodged this conversation earlier.

“W-what? Is it illegal for you guys to both look good in everything?”

“Yes, you have to pick one.”

I looked back down at Chanyeol, who earnestly nodded at the idea.

I sighed as I looked at Kai. He had his phone propped up on his kitchen counter and his hands were cupping his intently curious face.

“Yeah...now that I think about it, the both of you are kinda ugly.”

“I’m ugly? Me? Impossible.” Chanyeol suddenly interjected, getting up from my lap.

Kai’s happy expression slowly faded once he heard Chanyeol’s voice. He tried to hide his expression with his hand once Chanyeol came into view next to me.

“Yeah, you’re super ugly.”

We bickered in front of Kai, and he awkwardly watched us, wishing that it was him I was with.

He had contemplated the advice his sister had given him though, not wanting to give up his chance. He figured that she was right. Despite how we may have acted together, Chanyeol and I hadn’t become anything.

“Hey June, you’ll need to come over tomorrow so I can take your measurements and adjust some things for the dress. I’ll talk to you then, I’m gonna eat dinner now.”

“Huh? Oh okay. Don’t eat so fast, alright? You always do it and then your stomach gets all weird.”

“You remember that?” Kai asked, his eyes enlarged with surprise and his eyebrows raised.

“Ha yeah. You always finish eating before me and then you get bloated. Sometimes you unbutton your pants!”

Kai looked away, laughing at my jab at him, “Let me eat how I want to eat. If I get bloated then, whatever.”

I shook my head disapprovingly, “Fine, fine. Do what you want. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He smiled back at me widely, “See you tomorrow! And, I’ll eat slowly, alright?”

“Yeah whatever, bye!” I waved goodbye before hanging up the phone.

I looked over at Chanyeol, who was staring at me intently, “I can’t believe that Kai is not a girl.”

“I’ve tried to tell you that he’s not. It’s not your fault, anyway. Halmeoni told you that Kai was a girl, and I never really specified it. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter.”

“What doesn’t matter? That you didn’t tell me that Kai isn’t a girl or the fact that he isn’t a girl?”

“Both.” I replied, plainly.

“Why doesn’t it matter?” For Chanyeol it mattered more than anything, and he showed clear offense in his face.

I was taken aback by his expression, “What difference does it make if he was a girl? I’d treat him the same way I do now.”

Chanyeol readjusted himself to face me, his hands making motions as he passionately argued with me. All of his thoughts jumbled together as he tried to give his reasons.

“It makes a huge difference. June, you can’t just be super comfortable with him like that if he’s a guy. You’ve been over to his house so many times. What if he took advantage of you? And you’ve eaten with him too. He could have poisoned you! These are acceptable things to do with another girl, but you don’t know what kind of guys are out there!”

“Well...you’re a guy and we got close really quickly. For all I know, you could have poisoned me and taken advantage of me.”

“That’s different! You met Kai on the street! You met me through Halmeoni! There was trust by default!”

“Oh my gosh, if anything, Kai was scared to talk to me. Listen, I appreciate that you’re being protective and concerned. But, just trust me. Kai isn’t a bad person.”

He turned his back to me with his arms across his chest, “Yeah, but you’ve spent so much time with him, a-and all those times I wanted to be with you, you’d say that you had to see Kai. I-I could have helped you choose clothes and I-I could have found a way for you to make your sculptures here. He did all that stuff for you, and I was just at home waiting. I haven’t done anything for you. Where does that leave me in your life?” There was a resentful tone in his voice. All of his feelings ran into each other, but he couldn’t stop it.

I sat stunned by his words. My heart sank as he spoke, his tonalities cutting at me.

“Chanyeol.” He didn’t turn around to look back at me though, merely grunting in response.

I frowned, hurt by his coldness. I never knew that Chanyeol felt like this, but it wasn’t something I could control or change. Kai was my friend, and I didn’t see anything wrong with the amount of time we spent together. I only ever hung out with the both of them too. I didn’t think about how many times I spent with one or the other. I didn’t think I needed to. What confused me even more was his idea that he hadn’t done anything for me, as if all our memories were merely passing moments.

I scooted closer to Chanyeol and wrapped my arms around his back. “Just because I hang out with Kai, doesn’t mean I hate being around you. Yes, he helped me with all of that stuff, but you’re just as much a part of my life as he is. The way I feel when I’m with you is different than when I’m with Kai.”

Chanyeol looked back at me, his face elongated with astonishment, his heart feeling full again, “I-it’s different?”

His face was barely inches away from mine, and our closeness made me gulp nervously. I managed a smile at him, still hugging his body.

“Y-yeah. Of course, it’s different. I mean, look at us right now. I don’t do this stuff with Kai. I-I never have.��

“You don’t?” Chanyeol’s voice became brighter.

“No. Should I?” I badgered, raising an eyebrow at him.

He shifted entirely to face me and pulled me into his chest, “No, no, no you shouldn’t. I want to be the only one who gets to hold you like this.”

A furious blush found me, but I embraced it as I peered up at him and smiled. “Well, you don’t need to want to because you are the only one.”

He looked down for a second, giggling after hearing what I said. “You can’t say that and look at me like that.”

“Alright, I won’t then.” I playfully scoffed, letting go of him and lying back down on the pillow.

“June, I’m just kidding. Look at me like that again.” Chanyeol plopped himself down next to me, clearing his throat so I would pay attention to him.

I kept my eyes glued to the ceiling to spite him, but Chanyeol impatiently leaned over me to block my view.

I stayed still as his eyes twinkled at me, and he moved a few strands of hair away from my face. “Please don’t ever look at anyone else like this.”

“The only one I’m looking at right now is you.”

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fearlesschris2215 · 7 years

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AN OPEN LETTER TO TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR NATION & SWIFTIES WORLDWIDE

GOOD EVENING EVERYONE! IM CHRIS! RESIDENT OF PARSIPPANY NEW JERSEY & I COME TO YOU WITH NOT SO MUCH OF AN ANNOUNCEMENT JUST SOMETHINGS I WANT TO GO OVER AS WE ARE JUST ABOUT LESS THAN ONE MONTH AWAY FROM FOUR YEARS OF ME BEING IN THE TAYLOR SWIFT FANDOM & WHEN I STARTED OUT I WILL ADMIT THAT I WAS VERY SHY ABOUT BEING A SWIFTIE BUT MORE ON THAT LATER! I DID NOT HAVE A TWITTER TUMBLR & INSTAGRAM AT THE TIME SO I WAS JUST DOING MY OWN THING & NOT MUCH WENT ON SINCE IT WAS JUST ME & EVENTUALLY I GOT BORED! HOWEVER IN THE FALL OF TWENTY FOURTEEN WHEN THE NINETEEN EIGHTY NINE WORLD TOUR WAS ACCIDENTALLY ANNOUNCED ON THE ELLEN SHOW I REALIZED THIS WAS MY CHANCE TO SEE TAYLOR SWIFT LIVE FOR THE FIRST TIME I DIDNT GO TO THE RED TOUR SINCE IN THOSE EARLY DAYS I ALWAYS FELT EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT I WAS A FAN OF TAYLOR SWIFT BUT IN LATE TWENTY FOURTEEN I NO LONGER FELT THAT WAY & ONCE I STARTED FOLLOWING MORE ACCOUNTS DURING SWIFTMAS THAT ALSO FOLLOWED ME ALONG WITH STARTING A TUMBLR ACCOUNT A MONTH LATER IN THE NEW YEAR I FELT MORE OPTIMISTIC AND HOPEFUL THAT PERHAPS I COULD MEET TAYLOR SWIFT HERSELF OF COURSE THAT IS NOT THE REASON I JOINED THE FANDOM LATER IN 2015 WHEN LOFT EIGHTY NINE WAS A THING I BECAME MORE OPTIMISTIC THAT MY TIME COULD COME REAL SOON SINCE I WAS ALREADY PLANNED TO GO TO ONE SHOW WITH MY MOTHER THAT JULY! WHILE THE TOUR WAS IN PROGRESS IN ITS INITIAL LOCATIONS FELLOW FANS & MYSELF WOULD ENGAGE IN VARIOUS FUN ACTIVITIES ON SOCIAL MEDIA SUCH AS SING-ALONGS PICTURE CHALLENGES FINISHING LYRICS & MORE! & WE ALL HAD A GREAT TIME DOING THOSE TOGETHER & WHEN THE FALL CAME I WAS REALLY BUMMED THAT I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO THAT AS MUCH SINCE I WAS ABOUT TO START MY FIRST YEAR IN COLLEGE BUT THAT IS THE LIFE THAT WAS CHOSEN FOR ME SO I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE! HOWEVER ONE AFTERNOON THE COMPANY I HAVE BEEN WONDERING OF THEY WOULD EVER NOTICE ME TAYLOR NATION WHICH ARE A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT HELP FANS MEET TAYLOR SWIFT ACTUALLY DID NOTICE ME & IT WAS SUCH A GREAT FEELING FOR THAT TO HAPPEN I THOUGHT THAT MOMENT WAS ONLY JUST THE BEGINNING OF MORE TO COME! UNFORTUNATELY I WASNT PREPARED FOR WHAT WAS TO COME! DAY IN AND DAY OUT I WOULD TRY AND TRY AGAIN TO SEE IF THEY WOULD REMEMBER ME & HOPEFULLY BUILD ON THE RELATIONSHIP! MONTH AFTER MONTH I TRIED! I EVEN TRIED TO SEE IF I COULD GET TAYLOR SWIFT TO NOTICE ME ALSO! BUT IF YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING ME FOR AWHILE YOU PROBABLY KNOW ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN MARCH! TAYLOR NATION HELD A GIF CHALLENGE PARTY FOR FANS ON TWITTER & I WENT TO THEIR PAGE & I SAW THE ONLY FANS THEY WERE NOTICING THAT EVENING WERE JUST FANS WHO EITHER HAD A PROFILE PICTURE OF HIMSELF OR HERSELF MEETING TAYLOR SWIFT OR HAD A HEADER WITH NOTIFICATIONS FROM WHEN TAYLOR SWIFT NOTICED HIM OR HER ON TUMBLR! AT THAT MOMENT I WAS HEARTBROKEN! I REALIZED THAT I JUST DIDNT HAVE THE QUALIFICATIONS TO BE NOTICED BY TAYLOR NATION ANYMORE NO MATTER HOW MUCH I SUPPORTED TAYLOR! FROM THAT POINT ON I JUST NO LONGER CARED WHETHER I WOULD BE NOTICED BY TAYLOR NATION AGAIN OR NOT BUT I STILL TRIED WITH TAYLOR SWIFT! LATER ON LAST YEAR I STARTED SEEING FANS JUST SHOWING UP OUT OF NOWHERE WHENEVER TAYLOR SWIFT OR TAYLOR NATION IS ONLINE. AND ALL THOSE FANS DO IS TRY TO GET THEIR ATTENTION WHICH IS FINE IF YOU RECEIVED NO OR VERY LITTLE ATTENTION FROM THEM BEFORE! SO I WENT TO THESE FANS PROFILES AND SAME THING PROFILE PICTURES OF THEM MEETING TAYLOR SWIFT OR HEADERS WITH NOTIFICATIONS FROM WHEN TAYLOR SWIFT NOTICED THEM ON TUMBLR & YET THOSE FANS ALWAYS GOT THE ATTENTION WHEN THEY HAVE BEEN GIVEN SO MUCH & THEY DONT SEEM TO HELP ANYONE WHO RECEIVED NONE OR LITTLE ATTENTION! THEREFORE THROUGHOUT THE SUMMER BETWEEN TAYLOR'S BREAKUPS AND THE WHOLE KIM THING I TRIED TO TELL THESE SWIFTIES TO EITHER LEAVE TAYLOR ALONE OR FIGHT BACK DEPENDING ON THE SITUATION! COURSE IT'S NOT MY JOB BUT YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED AS TO WHAT YOU SEE ONLINE WHEN STUFF LIKE THAT HAPPENS! HOWEVER ONE THING I WAS PROMINENT IN DOING ON SOCIAL MEDIA DURING THE SUMMER AND FALL OF LAST YEAR I STARTED WARNING OTHERS ABOUT TAYLOR NATION FOR HOW THEY MADE ME FEEL IN MARCH THAT SAME YEAR! I ALWAYS BOASTED TO NOT TRUST THEM! THEY MAY JUST FORGET YOU EXIST AND THROW YOU INTO OBLIVION EVEN IF YOU SUPPORT TAYLOR SWIFT! & IN THE FALL I NOTICED A LOT OF FANS JUST BOASTING ABOUT HOW THEY MET TAYLOR IN TEXAS OR WHENEVER INSTEAD OF HELPING SOMEONE WHO NEVER GOT TO EXPERIENCE ANYTHING THEY DID & AMONG OTHER THINGS THAT I WILL NOT GET TO EXPERIENCE EITHER! THAT DROVE ME TO BECOME AN HONEST TAYLOR SWIFT FAN! SOMEONE WHO IS OPENLY HONEST WITH HIS OPINIONS ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR NATION & HER FANS & NOT MANY FANS WERE FOND OF THAT! IN FACT I WAS BULLIED FOR THAT! YES I WAS BULLIED BY OTHER FANS SINCE MY OPNION DID NOT MATCH THEIR OPINION! & THAT IS FINE SINCE MY OPINION ORIGINATES FROM SOMETHING I EXPERIENCED WHERE THEY EXPERIENCED SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WHICH IS WHY OUR OPINIONS ARE DIFFERENT! BUT THERE IS NO NEED TO FIGHT ME FOR THAT! THINK OF IT THIS WAY! LETS SAY YOURE A MODEL & YOURE IN THE STREETS THEN SUDDENLY SOMEONE JUMPS ON YOU OUT OF NOWHERE! YOU DEFEND YOURSELF BY PUNCHING THE PERSON WHO JUMPED YOU! THEN OUT OF NOWHERE YOU HAVE ARTICLES WRITTEN ABOUT YOU & PEOPLE GANGING UP ON YOU FOR NOT FOLLOWING MODEL BEHAVIOR! LET ME TELL YOU THERE IS NO MODEL BEHAVIOR! IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO DEFEND YOURSELF SO BE IT! THERE IS NO RULESET FOR HOW A MODEL SHOULD BEHAVE JUST AS THERE IS NO RULESET FOR HOW A TAYLOR SWIFT FAN SHOULD BEHAVE! NO ONE SHOULD TELL YOU OR ANY FAN WHAT IS ALRIGHT & NOT ALRIGHT TO SAY! YOU HAVE A VOICE & IF YOU FEEL SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT BASED ON YOUR EXPERIENCE THEN SPEAK UP ABOUT IT! HOWEVER A TAYLOR SWIFT FAN BASICALLY SAID TO ME THE OTHER DAY THAT IF ALL I AM GOING TO DO IS TEAR DOWN TAYLOR NATION THEN I COULD JUST LEAVE SINCE THAT MAKES ME UNLOYAL TO TAYLOR SWIFT! HERE IS THE THING! IM NOT TRYING TO TEAR ANYONE DOWN! IM JUST EXPRESSING MY HONEST OPINION ABOUT THE COMPANY BASED ON MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH THEM! & HOW AM I UNLOYAL TO TAYLOR SWIFT IF I SAID NOTHING BAD ABOUT HER? AFTER ALL THOSE FANS GANGING UP ON ME SINCE MY OPINION IS DIFFERENT FROM THEIR OPINION GUESS WHAT? I STILL SUPPORT TAYLOR SWIFT NONETHELESS! BUT THAT SAME FAN SAID SOMETHING TO ME THAT I WAS ABOUT TO MAKE AN HONEST OPINION ABOUT! BUT THEN I REALIZED SOMETHING! INSTEAD OF FANS FIGHTING ME LET ME JUST SAY SOMETHING ELSE! I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT AFTER MARCH LAST YEAR I WANTED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THIS FANDOM! TO RETURN TO THE ROOTS WHERE EVERYTHING WAS RANDOMIZED AND FAIR FOR EVERYONE! BUT AFTER THE RECENT NIGHTS WHERE NUMEROUS FANS WHO ARGUED AGAINST ME SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY GOT TO EXPERIENCE SOMETHING ONE OR FIVE MORE TIMES THAN MYSELF ALONG WITH MILLIONS OF OTHER FANS NEVER WILL GET TO EXPERIENCE! I CAME TO REALIZE MAKING THAT DIFFERENCE IN THIS FANDOM IS NOT POSSIBLE! SINCE THAT ISNT POSSIBLE I JUST WANT TO SAY I CHRIS ALDANA AM TERRIBLY SORRY FOR ANY TAYLOR SWIFT FAN I MAY HAVE OFFENDED ALONG WITH ALL THE TROUBLE I MAY HAVE CAUSED! I SIMPLY JUST WANTED TO EXPRESS MY OPINION ON DIFFERENT SCENARIOS IN THE FANDOM BUT ACCORDING TO THE FANS THAT ISNT ALLOWED! & I REALIZED INSTEAD OF FIGHTING FOR A BETTER FUTURE IM ACTUALLY WILLING TO OPENLY SPEAK TO TAYLOR SWIFT OR TAYLOR NATION EXPLAINING EVERYTHING I WENT THROUGH IN THE TAYLOR SWIFT FANDOM & HOW IT SHAPED ME TO WHO I AM IN THE FANDOM TODAY! AGAIN I WANT TO SOULY APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR SWIFT TAYLOR NATION & THE TAYLOR SWIFT FANDOM FOR ANY TROUBLE I MAY HAVE CAUSED & IM OPEN TO ANY QUESTIONS DISCUSSIONS OR CONCERNS YOU MAY HAVE! I HONESTLY HOPE YOU FIND IT IN YOURSELVES TO FORGIVE ME & IF TAYLOR SWIFT OR TAYLOR NATION WANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AT ALL & JUST WANT ME TO LEAVE THEN I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT AT ALL AS WELL! I MAY NOT BE THE PERFECT SWIFTIE FOR YOU TO FEEL WORTHY OF NOTICING BUT WHAT REALLY MATTERS AT THE END OF THE DAY IS THAT I TRIED & THAT I SUPPORTED @taylorswift UNTIL THE VERY END 💗

#taylorswift #taylor swift #swifties

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stownnn · 4 years

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I was the girl who was always smiling, loving and caring to all, I was the girl who was tough, who knew her worth and when enough was enough Now I’m crazy to you, cause of all you did there for im going through the list

You had a friend who was IN LOVE with you, who you done sexual things with before, and lied to me about but ill get to that later she didn’t like me and treated me like crap, I tried to be nice but you even know she treated me like an outcast, she talked bad about me so did her family and you claim you screamed at them she tried to get you jumped a few times, for no reason she got mad when i came home and you didn’t talk to her for a week cause you were spending time with me she then refuses to let you come to her house on her birthday cause you were with your friend Mario Thats when you guys officially stopped speaking and i said “good it should stay that way cause look shes even bugging out over Mario” Oh but you say i made you stop speaking to her?? FALSE

Finding out you guys did sexual things before we dated and kissed multiple times, theres videos of you grabbing her boobs and squeezing it and hurting her for whatever amusement it was for. I asked about this previously, you lied and said no. When i found out you lied i snapped on you She treated me like shit, than i find out you lied!! FOR MONTHS but im crazy now right??

You hung out with her lying to me that you didn’t before I found out about the sexual things, and once i found out, i got upset cause you LIED TO ME, and again SHE TREATED ME LIKE SHIT but once again I’m crazy, right???

I began to loose more trust in you, questioned you with things about her. You screamed at me, told me you didn’t love me. You and your friend Mario played games and pranks saying you were on the phone with her calling me crazy cause i couldn’t trust you. While i sat there crying cause you were hurting me, and you didn’t care. You said you didn’t love me, I said “yea okay prove it, hit me” Cause i didn’t think you would Thats when the first hit happened, you smacked me hard in my face, I was dumb enough to say do it again and you did. I sat there crying, while you had no remorse for what you did and were doing to me

Your dad began to be mean to me, cause we were fighting all the time. he took your side, of course never mine. I was in the wrong for being upset cause all you did was lie and lie and lie

I gained a little weight, he called me fat, and lied to you about that. You never defended me, and allowed me to become more insecure.

Then came Nicole, a random girl who snapped you and flirted with you calling you cute and hot. You returned the compliment calling her HOT, flirting with her on how you liked her you saved the conversation but cleared it from your chat i found it by her snapping you with her tits hanging out I got defensive, then i read the chat showing messages between you and this girl I got enraged and your parents didn’t know why, we explained and they sTILL TOOK YOUR SIDE. OH BUT IM CRAZY NOW?? FOR GETTING MAD OVER THIS?? FOR LOOSING MORE TRUST IN YOU, HOW BAD COULD THIS GET?? You didn’t see where you were wrong, and i continued to hope things would change

Then Logan came in our life and now we go through this list, and things you LOVE to deny He wanted us to break up, he did all in his power to instigate it. Bringing up your ex, and you talked about infront of me how she sucked your dick in full on detail, disregarding all i said on how it made me feel, you told me to shut up, youre telling him a story. You compared me to girls who were fake, who corset and waist trained, and had surgery done to them, you told me you leave me for them cause i was annoying cause i COULDNT TRUST YOU, AND GOT HURT BY ALL YOU WERE DOING TO ME We broke up, just so you can “go get pussy” with logan and AJ while i was home crying panicking, not understanding why i did to be treated this way You and I threw hands at each other, cause logan said for you to put me in my place your mom had to break us up, luckily she did cause i was gonna bash you head in the wall OH BUT IM THE CRAZY ONE RIGHT?? We broke up several times Your dad started to treat me more like shit, and make me cry It got hard to be with you, i grew to have more anxiety, Logan continued to instigate it more and more, as well put me down and make me cry, and you allowed him too ALL THE TIME OH BUT IM THE CRAZY ONE RIGHT?? FOR GETTING UPSET AND CRYING AT WHAT YOU WERE DOING TO ME?? You began to love to torment me, pinning me down and doing that long spit thing on me, where you let your droll hang then slurp it back up, got it close to my face, and sometimes it fell and im screaming stop, and you just laughed every time. Sometimes you restrain me trying to stick ear wax in my mouth OH BUT IM THE CRAZY ONE RIGHT?? FOR GETTING UPSET AND CRYING AT WHAT YOU WERE DOING TO ME RIGHT?? You told me you cheat on me with a 14 year old, you then laughed when i got shocked and hurt by what you said, and laughed about it with Logan Then my best friend died, and i really lost my mind, toxic relationship with a boy i love so much, and now my best friend who only knew about it really was gone, and it was so much to handle Logan convinced your dad i was unstable, and started to give me on the pills he took daily, so i can be “stable” and you ALLOWED HIM TOO. YOU SAY YOU DONT REMEMBER THAT BUT YOU WERE IN THE FUCKING CAR DRIVING. YOU FUCKING SAID IF I DIDNT TAKE IT YOUR DAD WOULD GET MAD AND NOW LET ME SLEEP OVER. NOT LET ME SEE YOU. OH BUT IM THE CRAZY ONE RIGHT?? FOR REACTING AND CRYING, AND NOT TRUSTING YOU AT ALL?? Logan made it where i barely saw you, but this is where you changed a bit and made it where i came first at times. But you still allowed logan to treat me like shit and make me wish i just died. OH BUT IM CRAZY RIGHT??? FOR ALL YOU FUCKING DID TO ME?? Logans left after he made a threat to get me jumped, for no reason. and things got somewhat easier after that.

I then got in a car crash, and you were getting better. Your dad was still the same and it was still hard to be around you, knowing how i was being treated. Your mom cared for me and loved me but that didn’t last very long.

Fast forwarding to accusations a few months after that Will said about you cheating on me with your friend Daniella. Now heres the thing, given our history... IM CRAZY FOR BELIEVING AND FEARING THAT?? As well you called her cute all the time, BUT IM CRAZY FOR BELIEVING AND FEARING THAT RIGHT?? finding out MONTHS LATER, when we first started dating for WEEKS you had a crush on her. YOU TALKED ABOUT FUCKING HER AND GETTING HEAD IN THE FREEZER BEFORE YOU DATED ME. OH BUT IM CRAZY FOR REALLY FEARING YOU STILL LIKED HER AND CHEATED ON ME WITH HER?? AFTER ALL YOU DID TO ME?? REALLY?? She snapped you all the time saying “come visit meeee” when you became an electrician and wasnt working with her and king kullen anymore, never me just you. IM CRAZY FOR BEING SCARED THOUGH RIGHT???

This is when the feelings faded, officially i had control over you, you cut off daniella, logan and cass were gone. NEVER DID I EVER MAKE YOU STOP TALKING TO LOGAN AND CASS THOUGH. But i couldn’t trust you. at all, CAN YOU BLAME ME?? I questioned you repeatedly, asking the same things over and over again. BECAUSE I COULDN’T TRUST YOU, AND ALL I EVER HAD WITH YOU WAS PURE ANXIETY. This led to a lot of issues and we fought all the time, you love to get your parents involved and loved for them to heard us fight so they can shut me down and take your side, BECAUSE IM THE CRAZY ONE RIGHT????????????????

I couldn’t spend christmas morning like i wanted to with my mom because your mom would freak out and get mad saying we are running late. I was crazy for thinking of a future, wanting to buy a big house and have a family. Your dad told me to keep my dreams to myself. Your mom and i fought over everything, and she made me cry. You let her, and never took my side. I was alone, my mother and father, family all together was always made fun of. I had to deal with it because it didn’t matter right? Because I was crazy, right? You followed these famous sex workers, and said it makes you feel good. I normally wouldn’t care but given our history. It made me more insecure. We still argued daily, we still banged heads. You still put me down. You still made me insecure. Your parents did as well. Nothing was ever said or done. But if i reacted, i was called crazy. because i am crazy..... right??

I couldnt trust you to go anywhere, but thats because im crazy... right?

Nothing changed, i was still treated poorly. In hopes things get better. Not realizing i was loosing feelings. It became a routine. We never really did anything or saw other people to know it officially. With you anxiety you shifted and changed, but you were still the same guy. Your mom took me trying to calm you down and be there for you as not letting her in. The nurse even defended me saying i was just helping cause she was giving you more anxiety and we didnt want the matters worse, she always made me out to be the bad guy. But i was crazy right?? It was all me.

I realized I lost feelings, but i didn’t want to leave you at the time. I was so unhappy. I felt constant anxiety. I felt so worthless.

At the same time you doing all this, i know i was toxic as well i should’ve walked away, i should’ve let you go. I should’ve done it for the best of us. But i stayed hoping for the best, knowing i didn’t trust you and that we possibly never be the same. When you made things about you I would get so upset, cause it was never about me. I was never put first, and it made me angry, and you felt bad at a point. cause you were sorta changing. but not completely. Nothing was healthy. I asked repeated questions. I knew your answer, but i didn’t believe you. You still lie about things yet we talked before we broke up and you even admitted it. I don’t get it. I wont ever. Me leaving did us both a favor. it did everyone. But let me make this clear i was never crazy. You just created a new side to me that only occurred with you..

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deiupvote · 5 years

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It's been a while since I've been able to update, I'm sorry if this post is as long as my prior one. Alot has happened in the last few months and I haven't been able to post information about it until now. It's nearly impossible to explain the situation without a long backstory so you'd have to have seen my prior post. I'll try to give a short summary here.https://ift.tt/2A6qbhq I spent almost 20 years living with my mother. I have 3 younger siblings. 16 of those years I suffered through abuse. Had her hold a knife to my neck, kicked me down the stairs frequently, beaten me with extension cords/bats/fists/chairs/belts/etc, beaten me unconscious & bloody countless times, verbally abusive aka telling me i was worthless and how she couldn't stand me or how I looked like my dad daily. I lost count of how many times I woke up to heavy closed fist punches to the face at like 3am on school days because the dishes weren't washed or I didn't fold her laundry or whatever and then being forced to do chores until I went to school. Teachers weren't helpful. Family turned a blind eye. My dad wasn't around. This wasn't once in a while. This was everyday. I didn't have much freedom as she rarely let me leave the house (Deadbolt lock on the front door and I wasnt allowed to have keys) or get a few hours of reprieve outside of school where I did horribly because the only thing I was interested in was people liking me instead of actual schoolwork. I've called the police on her a total about 2 times. She never got in trouble and the police generally believed her over me and she'd dismiss all my allegations. I was a really skinny kid, I was not a threat and I couldn't defend myself. Either way, I hated violence so I never raised a hand to her or took it out on anyone else. My only reprieve was all the ways I sabotaged her food, the satisfaction of making eye contact as she ate off of a spoon I rubbed between my buttcheeks or when she enjoyed a cup of my special home brew lipton tea. Lots of little malicious compliances which usually ended with punishment.It was just her and I (my older sister was taken away very early) until I hit my teens when my younger siblings were born (not all at the same time). She didn't beat them as bad and treated them fairly better. I was alone for most of it. I didn't really connect with them because they were always around her and I tried to minimize the time spent around my Mother when I hit my teens and after when I started having slightly more freedom. After abusing me for years then carrying on to abuse my siblings, lying to me about having a place to live if I went to college, countless other reasons, and her literally laughing at me when I told her I was homeless.. This is after I explained how it's been hard for me and how the abuse affected me. She's never owned up it. Never apologized. Nothing. I was done. I decided I was going to ruin her life. Regardless of whether it makes me a bad person or not. I had photos of my own bruises/cuts/etc saved from YEARS with my mother. My little sister sent me a few via social media. I compiled it all and went to CPS. They went with police to do a check and coincidentally got there while my mother was beating my sister. Cue an emergency removal and her losing her kids. I reached out to her job and made them aware she lied about her degree (I was the one who wrote all her resumes and etc). She lost her $75k+ salary job days later and got blacklisted. I even deleted every single gmail account and etc I made for her just because fuck her.But as this is an update and not a repost of how trash my past was, I'll try not to repeat myself too much.UpdateI'll give an update on me personally first. My camera was stolen and instead of trying to get another one, I decided to take a break from photography. I appreciate all of the support you guys gave me after my first post. It's been extremely hard, taking pictures was the only thing I really did that helped me feel okay but I'm learning to build resilience. In the mean time, I swallowed my pride and moved into a homeless shelter in my city specifically for people with jobs & a savings. I'll be able to continue saving while I work on bettering myself as a person. I created an action plan and mapped out all my goals and how I want to achieve them. Up until recently, I wasn't even planning on being alive. Sorry if that's too dark. I honestly always had these thoughts wishing my mother would have finished the job with me and made life easier. But as of late, I'm becoming more and more curious of what I'm capable of if I gave myself the chance. I've been able to visit my younger siblings and have gotten to know my little sister abit better because of the experience. I feel like a horrible person for admitting I still feel nothing for them or really anyone, but I won't let my feelings get in the way of the promise I made to myself or them. I've also only drank 3 times in the last 4 months compared to every other day in the past, which isn't great but its a change.My younger siblings are still with CPS but I can't go into detail. My mother was supposed to go to a hearing to get them back but things got complicated (important). My mothers best friend's son (who I've known 8yrs) does his best to relay all the shit my mother tells her while they talk on the phone all day. Things had gotten worse for her. She hasn't been keeping up with her mortgage payments. Her fiance, my youngest siblings dad, is no longer her fiance anymore and is trying to file for custody. I heard she was a wreck then went ghost but it didn't make me feel better. There weren't supposed to be any winners. Honestly, I wasn't even going to update. I initially just wanted to tell someone for once but one thing changed my mind. Something I was not expecting months after I set this all in motion. A phone call from my mother. In the past seeing her calls, even after movingg out, would set me on edge but that hasn't been the case lately. It was just another thing that happened. Just another event. Meaningless but at the same time... She always had my number but NEVER reached out. Even when things first started going to shit, I doubt she even gave me a second thought. But I'm sure you're all curious to know what was said.My mother is gone. A few weeks after my post, the state I'm in brought felony charges up against her. She left the country shortly after and went to her home country in South America. I have no idea how she was even allowed to leave but they didn't take her passport. She avoided specifics on that part. She mentioned staying with a family friend temporarily and tried to frame it as a short vacation. She didn't even start off with a hello, she started the conversation by ordering me to go somewhere quiet before launching into a sob story about how things have been going for her. This is after months of no contact. After laughing at me for being homeless and denying she ever abused me months ago. Just yammering away like it was nothing but I let her talk. It was surreal. I felt so cold just listening to her talk. It was like talking to a stranger. She mentions losing out on "so much money" and how she doesn't know how all it happened and then finally she hits the topic dujour.Cue her bringing up my little sister and the night of the emergency removal. She starts complaining about how she misses my little sister and brothers, mentions something about how it messes up tax season?, and then she had the audacity to start trying to convince me that I should go talk to the caseworkers for her to back up her claim that " she never abused them or me and I should know that..." She said that to me. After everything. Of all people. 9 minutes into the conversation. Like nothing ever happened. But it wasn't anything new. Of course I cut her off but at that point my mind was already made up. I asked her if she remembered when I used to make iced tea for her all those years. She was a little thrown off but said yes. I paused for a few seconds before slowly telling her in detail about all the ways i sabotaged her lipton iced tea. She tried interrupt me once but I didn't stop talking. I told her about how I'd always put too much sugar and she'd never taste it and keep drinking more which was why I always insisted. There was just silence on the phone but I know she was listening. I told her waiting until after dinner when I got home from school to shower so I could rub her spoons between my buttcheeks for maximum damage and how I'd mix it into her food to mask it. At this point I'm not even sure she's listening anymore but im still describing specific days I remember doing it that I know she would remember. She finally LOUDLY interrupts me screaming at me disgusting evil things. She cursed me the way she used to back in the days when shed be standing over me with an extension cord beating the skin off of me when I was younger. She's blaming me for ruining her life and how she wish she had a better child (All without knowing that I directly caused the destruction of her current life though she's speaking about the past). I just let her waste her breath. She couldn't touch me or my siblings. It only lasted a few seconds. Now I remember spending years daydreaming of all things I'd say to my mother if I had the chance but I just bottled it up with all my other baggage and kept trying to exist. A lot of people from my original post also gave me some ideas.When she finally shut her mouth I calmly told her "Look Mom, You don't know what abuse is and honestly its your own fucking fault this is all happening to you. Also, my bad for pissing in your iced tea." Then I just hung up the phone and blocked her number. That was the last day I drank. I haven't talked to her since. I'm not sure she's aware (or maybe she is) how bad of an idea it was to leave the country with all this going down, even if it was for a few weeks. At this point im done with her. I don't want an apology. I just want to move forward and be a better person. I know that's hard to believe after everything I just told you but it's the truth. I try my best to put as much positivity into the world and share it with the people around me as much as possible. But fuck her. I don't know if she knows it was me but I didn't tell her. I'm sure she can guess though if she really tried. Anyways.. That's my revenge. It's still actively fucking her life up but im not taking any active part in it. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I had a real family that loved me and I knew how to love back the right way. I wish I had a real relationship with my mother and none of those things happened. I wish I could have turned out like one of the happy people in the world but I can spend spend all day wishing. Sorry for the super long post. This is my last update. Wish me luck next year.TL;DR - My mother abused me for most of my life. I had to drop out of college and support myself after she basically drove me to homelessness. She laughs at me about me being homeless and denies abuse. So I ruined her life by reporting the abuse my siblings and I dealt with resulting in an emergency removal by CPS & her getting criminal charges, exposing her lies to her job which she lost, putting her in a situation that ruined her engagement, and ultimately causing her to flee the country which might result in even worse charges if/when she comes back. via /r/ProRevenge

#apoc

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bvdblog-blog · 6 years

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(this is all over the place. but this entire situation makes my mind go all over the place. i have so many thoughts on this and them so heres a snippet of it)

all throughout high school i had “the nice friend”” syndrome. or at least thats what i call it. who knows if that actually what it is but oh well. basically, no matter if i was in the wrong or not in a situation, i would apologize. if a friend was mad at me for either something i did to piss them off or for no reason, i would apologize because i absolutely HATE when someone is mad at me. i can’t stand not being liked. i freaked out because i didn’t want that person to spread things about me and make other people not like me. stupid i know. but i did it all the time!!

i can remember so many specific times where i would try to confront someone or let my feelings be known or just try and be a good friend and if someone didn’t agree with me and got mad at me for expressing my feelings, i would instantly apologize for what i was saying or doing even if didn’t believe i needed to. i just didn’t wanna lose them. ironically it was mostly when people were treating me like shit. with sepia, ryan, michael wilson, and its more and especially as the years have gone by kt.

it very much stems from feeling abandoned by people i have lost as friends over the years. i absolutely hate that feeling and did and still do what i can to prevent that. it makes me feel worthless and unloveable.

i am trying extremely hard these days to break away from that. i am trying to not allow people to manipulate me into thinking that i am wrong and i HAVE to be the one to make things right even when I’m innocent or not in the wrong.

with the whole andrew situation, I’m trying not to let them convince me that I’m in the wrong. he has yet to tell me himself that he’s hurt. he has yet to talk to me himself and explain his feelings but I’m supposed to voluntarily go too I’m and profusely apologize and ask for his friendship back?

no.

i have moments where i feel guilty for causing tension. maybe i am being a jerk? maybe this is a time where i aww wrong?

but i mean ugh! i am trying to give myself more worth than that!! ok yes i didn’t defend him for deleting daniel off marco polo but that isn’t the end if the world!!!!!!! i could do so many worse things in life. its not like i stole from him to called him some horrible name or something. i just didn’t wanna get involved. andrew didn’t even defend himself very well fuck. if it wasn’t for kt i wouldn’t even know he was upset.

n yes yes yes i know he didn’t ask kt to tell me anything but i know for a FACT that he told her with hoped that she would let me know. he isn’t stupid. he knows how to get to her. he knows she would hate there being tension between us and she would end up telling me.

so fuck him. fuck him for not being an adult. fuck him for snaking around his own issues and making kt deal with it. fuck him for causing tension between me and kt. fuck him for making her think I’m wrong and a bad friend.

if theres one thing i hate is when someone tells me I’m a bad friend. I’ve allowed so many people do it before-hence the constant apologizing and damage control when i didn’t need to- I’m not gonna let it happen anymore.

I’m trying my hardest to better myself these days. to not allow people to manipulate me or get into my head. fuck that. i need to be my own person, have my own thinking patterns. i need to distance myself from toxic people who victimize themselves and place their issues on me so they won’t have to focus attention on themselves. fuck that.

i did hurt andrew, yes. i can admit that. but not until he talks to me first.

the thing i i am not upset the me and andrew are not friends anymore. our friendship was at a point that it wasnt giving me anything anymore. i want benefiting from it. yes i its him but i miss the old him.

I’m more upset that its affecting kt and also affecting how i view myself. i hate that I’m questioning myself and my worth because of this little bullshit situation that means nothing in life.

but no more. i have so much going for me I’m not gonna let them bring me down.

fuck that. fuck them. not needed.

i am a good friend. i am a good person,

you will not tell me otherwise.

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

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What Sheryl Sandberg can teach you about loss, grief, and resilience

Image: Ambar del moral / mashable

There’s something comforting about Sheryl Sandberg’s voice on the phone. It’s calm, self-assured, and sweet.

Yet there are also tremors of vulnerability in the Facebook COO’s voice, hints of the grief and longing she has grappled with ever since the sudden death of her husband Dave Goldberg in May 2015.

SEE ALSO: What the words of a dying doctor taught me about life’s meaning

“Living with this is a daily thing,” she says. “There are days I do better and days I do worse. There are days I keep the promises I make to myself to feel grateful, and there are days I don’t. In the better moments, even when I feel grief, I can remember that my kids are still alive. I can remember that Dave would have wanted them to be happy. I can remember how lucky I am to have friends and family. I would never say that those are all the moments, because they’re not.”

Sandberg and I are discussing her new book, part memoir and part operating manual for surviving the hardest moments in our lives. It lays bare some of Sandberg’s most painful experiences, the kind that were no doubt harrowing to relive.

Sheryl Sandberg and her late husband Dave Goldberg.

Image: Sheryl sandberg

I cried a lot reading Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. So much that I began marking the margins in ink with small tear drops so I could go back to the most moving passages. There were too many to track.

So perhaps I was inclined to hear humanity in Sandberg’s voice; others say they sense calculation and distance. Here’s my advice: Suspend your skepticism of Sandberg, if only to read Option B. It has essential wisdom on how to treat people who are grieving, on how to find resilience in your darkest moments.

Sandberg likes to talk about kicking “elephants” the things we all know but are too embarrassed to say out of the room. So let’s address the biggest one every review of Option B has to face: Why should you take advice on life’s worst experiences from a billionaire tech executive?

Sandberg has created the Option B community to help people find connections amidst loss and trauma.

Image: optionb.org

Sandberg doesn’t have the soulfulness of Oprah Winfrey, who uses her brand to nudge followers along the path of spiritual enlightenment. Nor is she from Momastery founder Glennon Doyle Melton’s school of being disarmingly honest.

Rightly or wrongly, people have come to expect that level of intimacy when a public figure brands their personal experiences, which is what may have lead to suspicion about Sandberg’s motives.

That wariness isn’t helped by the glaring blindspots on display in her first book, Lean In, a tome on workplace equality that didn’t truly grasp the nature of women’s challenges outside of corporate boardrooms.

Sandberg also happens to help lead the tech company responsible for transforming the way we communicate and get information. When Facebook is hit with complaints about viral fake news influencing elections, or live video gone horribly wrong, the Facebook groups founded by Sandberg, Lean In and now Option B, subtly defend the company. They’re offering a powerful counter-narrative about how the platform helps people make life-changing connections.

In short, Sandberg is a complicated public figure. You’d be right to have reservations about her writing and its ultimate purpose. But none of that skepticism changes what Sandberg and her co-author Adam Grant, the University of Pennsylvania psychologist, have done with Option B. They’ve taken her deeply personal story and pressed it into service. Her account is the book’s workhorse.

It’s the terrible fate that makes you curious enough to read thousands of words about the social science research that just might help you cope with tragedy.

This impulse of hers to share what she’s learned with the hope that it helps others seems to be innate, even irrepressible. It’s earnest and eager, qualities that aren’t cool these days, but ones that are necessary if alleviating suffering becomes part of your life’s mission.

Sandberg and Goldberg at their wedding.

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As someone who studies trauma and resilience research closely, I know that people who experience tragedy often yearn to find greater purpose and meaning in what they’ve endured. Still, I was stunned by Sandberg’s willingness to dive headlong into sharing tender emotions and memories so soon after Goldberg’s death.

When I asked her why she took this on in the midst of learning the contours of her own anguish, parenting two young bereaved children, and helping to run Facebook, Sandberg recalled the terrifying confinement of grief.

“[I]t wasnt just this really overwhelming grief, but it was, you know, a real feeling of isolation,” she says. “The easy conversations I used to have with parents when I dropped off my kids at school … felt gone. And people kind of looked at me like I was a deer in headlights. So as much as I was trying to overcome grief, I was also feeling more and more and more alone.”

Thirty days after Goldberg’s death, she turned (of course) to Facebook with the equivalent of a primal scream. “You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe,” she wrote. “Or you can try to find meaning.”

Once she saw friends and strangers connecting in the comments and in real life to comfort her and each other, Sandberg realized she could be a conduit. Her suffering could amount to more than private moments of hell. The legacy of Goldberg’s life and death could become invaluable to people struggling with their own pain.

“Really I would give anything to go back and live one day with Dave Goldberg knowing what I know now,” she says. “But I cannot do that, I dont have that choice. If I can just give a little bit of that working with Adam [on the book], that has meaning for me, and I think when you face the abyss of grief, the void, the boot on your chest, you want something positive to come out of it.”

Really I would give anything to go back and live one day with Dave Goldberg knowing what I know now. But I dont have that choice.

So writing Option B became an urgent next step.

Sandberg borrowed the name from a good friend who, in the weeks after Goldberg’s death, lovingly told her: “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out Option B.”

By marrying anecdote and scientific research, the book provides a pathway for doing just that. Sandberg and Grant explain that resilience isn’t something we come by automatically when we face tragedy. It’s more like a muscle that needs strengthening and conditioning, and they point to practical and proven tools like journaling, gratitude lists, and cognitive behavioral therapy that help reframe how we respond to adversity.

Some may balk at the book’s invocation of positive psychology founder Martin Seligman, whose research on pessimism and optimism is sometimes criticized for focusing on your attitude toward hardship. After all, a positive mindset only goes so far when you’re subjected to chronic societal, institutional, or family trauma, such as police violence, incarceration, and emotional or physical abuse.

Sandberg seems to get that. She peppers the chapters with policy prescriptions that reflect how suffering can take a disproportionate toll because of gender, race, ethnicity, and income, among other factors.

The book is also filled with anecdotes and insights from people of diverse backgrounds who demonstrate the many ways we can respond to heartbreak with resilience.

It’s clear Sandberg has learned from criticism of Lean In, and understood the value of looking far and wide for relatable, realistic perspectives.

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Option B covers a lot of ground. It moves from advice on how to talk to a grieving person to research on gratitude, self-compassion, and post-traumatic growth to insights about reclaiming joy in the shadow of loss, how to raise resilient children, what resilient communities look like, and why we need more emotionally honest workplaces.

That ambitious scope, however, may be the book’s greatest weakness. It can occasionally feel like a grab bag of observations, scientific findings, and heartfelt stories.

There is relatively little discussion of mental health conditions that you might experience after loss or trauma, like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress. You won’t find much on talk therapy or courses of medication, strategies that are just as valid in helping to create resilience as writing a gratitude list or allowing yourself to feel small doses of joy, both coping skills that Sandberg recommends.

Sandberg and Goldberg in 2004.

Image: sheryl sandberg

The book closes with an invitation for readers to join the Option B community in order to “connect with others who are coping with challenges like yours.” It should also include that website’s link to its roundup of organizations that support trauma survivors, in addition to the numbers for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline and Crisis Text Line.

This book has the power to help heal, but in doing so, can bring you to the edge of your own fears. Sometimes, no matter how meaningfully meant, words on a page aren’t enough to help us take a step back from that terror.

Still, there is much to praise about Option B‘s emphasis on translating scientific research into advice people can explore and adopt. What’s doubly impressive about Sandberg’s decision to write it: she must have known it required opening herself up to feedback that far exceeds the usual literary criticism.

One writer, for example, lauded the book but argued that Sandberg tackled the problem of grief “almost as if it were a failing business to be turned around.” Expect to hear a lot more of that kind of commentary. It’s an easy criticism to make, and it devalues what Sandberg has accomplished.

We love when Silicon Valley and its ambassadors make our lives more convenient; we’d rather not see the seams of their handiwork. What we want instead, especially from women of Sandberg’s stature, is a never-ending well of authenticity.

When women become technical, wonky or dispassionate, (ahem, Hillary Clinton), we seem to have less use for them. Suddenly they are suspect. But consider how we were willing to forgive Steve Jobs, who was so famously unfeeling that he invariably parked his car in Apple’s disabled spots, and then elevate him as a cultural icon and genius.

When I ask Sandberg about skepticism of her efforts, she deflects for a bit. She talks about the success of the Lean In movement and the tough lessons she learned from that book, then lands on the anecdote she wants to share.

A friend’s child who is quite sick has recently spent a lot of time on Option B reading people’s stories and realizing he doesn’t have to feel isolated.

If that child,” she says, “… if he felt less alone because weve helped build something that helped connect him to people not everyone has to love it, but I would make that decision every day.

That’s good enough for me. I hope it’s good enough for you too.

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