#when regardless of how you're a trans man you're told you're doing it wrong anyway

[onlyfangz]

i know i’ve made text posts up to my ears on this, but trans men aren’t allowed to have external identities, and we aren’t allowed any type of gender presentation without it being criticized and forced out of us. we just aren’t.

the softboys had the safety of their identities ripped away by cis people taking it too far and applying softboy culture onto all trans men, and in turn caused a bunch of backlash from non-softboy trans men (specifically but not limited to tr*sc*m), and now softboys are seen as infantile, even when they’re not. at the same time all of this was happening, cis people started taking that culture and applying it to their fav cis characters, and then everybody decided because it was cis women applying the label to their soft fem cis male favs that it was cringey, and the cis girls cried sexism for shaming them of their interests, and trans softboys were pushed out of the conversation all together.

the fems have had their identities as trans men erased by cis people and other trans people alike, and spend their whole lives being reminded that if they’re not even going to try, they can’t expect any stranger to gender them correctly as if trying would even help. the same people who praise GNC cis men condemn GNC trans men because they don’t see us as men, they see us as women, and there’s nothing subversive about a woman dressing in womanly clothes. it’s so blatantly obvious, and yet everybody pretends like its’ not, especially when it’s pre-t trans men. there’s a difference between choosing to perform gender in a certain way, and being forced into a gender presentation by society. learn that difference, and listen to fem trans men when they speak.

the chaotic trans men, which probably isn’t the term for them but idk what is. the trans men who associate themselves with mess, and dirt, and cryptids, and “gross” animals, and androgyny, and well, chaos, are accused of stereotyping the rest of the transmasc community as being into that as well, when in fact it was cis people who can’t confront that no two trans men are the same and just because you see one subsection being really similar, everybody else isn’t automatically the same. they’re seen as cringey, or freaks. (much like the reaction to softboys, but i feel like the reception was different.)

the passing trans men, who don’t really tie themselves to extra identities listed but are still and always will be trans are told that their experiences don’t matter and that they’ve got access to some super extra special privilege that they use in the name of Evil, as if transphobia starts and ends with a stranger’s ability to tell that you’re trans. they’re held to impossibly high standards, higher than any cis person, woman or man, and if they slip, well isn’t that proof enough that they’re dangerous gender-traitors who were fated to be evil the moment they “decided” to be men? not to even start talking about the erasure of intersectionality some passing trans men still face, as if being a man lessens those struggles.

the hypermasc trans men, - and no, i did not say the toxically masculine trans men, they’re two different things, and the fact that i need to pre-emptively point that out is just a great way to start, - are seen as predators in their own community. are seen as traitors who uphold a gender binary. people get tunnel vision around hypermasc trans men and forget the goal of dismantling the patriarchy and the gender binary and all that jazz is giving people the option to present however they want, not forcing mascs (and fems, although not what im talking about here) into androgyny (which we’ve already discovered isn’t acceptable either) lest they be accused of sexism. the way bigots think of hypermasc trans men are that they’re actually women who have done the unforgiveable, they’ve actually became men, and therefore, should be forever scrutinized, because if we turn our backs for a second, they’re going to be raping and murdering our innocent little cis girls and forcing them to become men too.

i’m sure there’s so many other transmasc subsections and subcultures and presentations out there, but one by one, they’ve all been ripped away from us regardless of where you sit. if you’re closer to the fem side of trans masculinity, you’re a cringey straight girl in disguise, if you’re on the andro side of trans masculinity, you’re (again) cringey, a freak, who needs to stay away from polite queer society, and if you’re on the masc side of trans masculinity, you’re a dangerous predator that needs to be kept in line, bc otherwise you won’t be able to help yourself and become an evil dirty man for real. 

this isn’t my original thought, but to echo a reblogger from another text post of mine, these aren’t isolated incidents, or freak happenings, it’s a system at work, and that system believes that the only correct way to be a trans man is to not be one.

#charlie.txt #it's late #this might not all make sense #but god am i tired of trans men being denied community bc they're not being trans men correctly #when regardless of how you're a trans man you're told you're doing it wrong anyway #trans posts #tw transandrophobia #tw rape mention #tw murder mention

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

Sorry if this seems too annoying and i know you're not a therapist but i don't have much people to talk about this with and i wanted to ask for some advice.

I'm a bi trans man, and naturally, before transitioning i lived a good chunk of my life as female, and that includes figuring out my sexuality. When i realized i was also into women i had to face some troubles because of it but with time i was able to proudly accept myself and my label. I very proudly would call myself a lesbian... which for sure is natural for any trans men attracted to women before transitioning.

When i started to research more about transitioning and talking about it with my therapist and eventually deciding that would be the best for me, i still wasn't out to everyone and didn't even tell my parents. I wasn't sure of everything but i knew that's what i wanted. I had a girlfriend (with a huge age gap, btw, only with the help of my therapist was i able to realize it was grooming) who was a lesbian, and was very opposed to my transition. Even after we broke up, i would hear from multiple women about how i was just a "confused lesbian". That's the keyword... lesbian.

Most women in my life would tell me that i don't need to transition because there's nothing wrong with being a women attracted to other women. That's how most of the arguments against my transition were : "you're just a lesbian". I always thought that hit particularly hard, it seemed like the roughest way to tell someone you don't see them as a man at all.

So years have passed... i had to deal with that until i was presenting as a male, changed my name, and new people i met would know me as a male. I have only one friend, a best friend, and she's the most wonderful person i could have met. A few years ago, when we first met, i fell masly in love with her, it was before my transition. When i confessed, she told me she was straight, and i remembered that hit me like a truck. But that doesn't really matter for now, the point is she rejected me because she's not attracted to my birth gender, well, it happens. I like to think i'm over it.

Then recently, she tells me she thinks she's bi because she's attracted to this one girl. She told me before I was completely over her so it hurt. Now that i'm over it, when she tells me about said girl i still feel kinda weird. Like part of me can't accept it. She says she might not really be bi but everytime she talks about other women, even as a joke, i get this feeling. And it's not just her... whenever i hear any girl talking about other girl i get this weird feeling, it's just that i've only really realized it because of my friend and this girl.

After reflecting a bit on the situation, i think it might be a little bit to do with that rejection and a lot to do with the way i was treated before transition. I think the experiences i had made me associate being a girl and liking other girls as a bad thing. I obviously want to get over that, i don't want to feel uncomfortable with girls attracted to others girls and if my best friends happen to actually be bi i want to be able to support her without being a pussy.

I imagine many other trans men also have a bad experience with being called a lesbian, but i'm not sure if it's normal to be pent over this for so long. Do you know a way to help this? Regardless, thank you anyway for taking the time to reading this.

I think it's fair to say that most trans people have slightly more complicated relationships to sexuality. Especially if they don't realize their trans until their older and have ID-ed one sexuality for a while only to realize it doesn't work anymore. Ex: realizing you're not a lesbian but rather a straight trans man.

In your case it seems to be more about the lesbian community and very specific lesbians and their relationship to you. Being told you're just a "confused lesbian" and even having a past crush realizing stuff about herself that makes you feel like slighted.

While I personally don't have any bad experiences like that, I know you're not alone. You'll find people who won't accept you as your actual gender in any group of people. And its definitely frustrating.

It's ok to be upset or uncomfortable with stuff. It's normal. And your feelings towards any situation are never bad. It's never bad to feel things. It's about how you react to those emotions. And it seems like you're not letting those feeling make your friend feel bad which is good. I don't know the best way to approach that specific situation. If any of my followers have advice, feel free to add on.

The best advice I can give is to talk to a therapist. And maybe expose yourself to some lesbians who aren't gonna be "you're just confused" on you. Also look into if you're actually over your crush, you might just be jealous (I don't know for certain tho). Either way, good luck.

#ask #answered #long post