#whenwilliknow

[alyssapinno-blog]

Try to be happy and satisfied … but how?

So far all I am is a disappointment. I have committed to and failed at most everything I have “set my mind to.” What do I truly want to do in this life? When will I know?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be melodramatic and I know that others feel the same way, but I still can wonder, can’t I? I think my problem is that I have always “known” what I am supposed to do. Which has not always been something that I have decided on my own. So then, I became a box checker. Do this, then this, then that, and after will be this. I get to a task or event or what have you, and then I cannot even enjoy any of it because I am focused on the next task. For the simplest of examples, as a kid, do you remember how amazing every single holiday was? Yeah, me too, for the most part. But now they are nothing more than added stress or something you feel obligated to participate in. Please tell me that’s not just me. I have considered that maybe I have this ever-growing negative attitude and mindset that is implanted in my anxiety and depression that does not allow me to enjoy everything that once gave me the most joy! How do I fix this? Or is this what they call adulting? If its adulting, I don’t want it.

I have tried to start mentally being honest with myself and seeing what I could possibly do to eradicate these feelings and thoughts and I have come up short every time. The only conclusion I have come to is that I need to do things that make me happy, no matter how big or small. Writing this blog is one of the things I really enjoy. It gives me a place to think through everything and put it out into the world. Sharing it for some reason takes the weight off my shoulders as if I am sharing the burden with someone. Another joyful hobby I have reintroduced to my life is reading. Wow, I never knew the things I loved the most as far as hobbies make me a total nerd. Any who, I made a goal to read at least 10 books this year. So far I am reading book number 4. I am ahead of the odds in making my goal, so that makes me feel proud. Which then does make me happy, so win there.  Traveling is the latest interest I have re-added to my life endeavors. Recently I was on a trip to California with my husband and a bunch of my family. Yet again, nerdy, yes, I know. It was a celebration in honor of my Great Uncle’s 80th birthday. The trip alone woke up the travel bug in me but also hearing the stories of my Great Uncle and his travel adventures. He set a goal to reach 100 counties in his lifetime and is only a few shy of completing that goal. What an amazing accomplishment. (But accomplishment isn’t the word I should use because it then turns into more of a check box type of task.) His goal inspired my husband and I to also make a goal of our own. We are planning to reach all 50 states together. We even got one of those Instagram ad worthy maps where you scratch off the states that you traveled to. And if you are wondering, the states that we have been to prior to adventuring together do not count. The states that we will count and scratch off are going to be ones we do together. Our next trip is in the works, Kentucky in November. Cannot wait.

Along with trying to reintroduce hobbies and adventures that make me feel happy I have been doing a deep dive into the one thing that takes up most of my life- my job(s.) For the longest time I have working multiple jobs. I always give the same answer when people ask why I work so much. It’s either, “Saving up for the wedding,” or “Preparing for having kids someday,” or “I just love working.” Problem is- the wedding is done and paid for, kids are a topic I will write about in the future, and I love working because it takes me away from my boring lack luster life. That’s hard to admit but it’s true. I have always used work to avoid everything. This consists of missing holidays or family time because I’ve already shared that it’s not my favorite, my life at home because no matter how hard I try it’s always a mess, and the feeling of not having enough people in my friend group to occupy my time. That’s deep and dark but it’s the truth. It’s a feeling of not being acceptable or living up to the standards of what this arbitrary world has set to be normal.

 I just keep spiraling and writing so I apologize to anyone who reads this if it doesn’t make total sense, stream of conciseness. Back to the job situation. The quote that I found years ago is plastered to the left of my computer screen and I look at it daily. Steve Jobs said, “Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do, If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” Looks like I have work to do. I most definitely don’t feel like I am satisfied. I am not able to do great work as much as I have tried. Yet again another topic that I will write about in great detail later on.  I don’t have a solution other than that I need to move up or move on. Hopefully this part of my story will soon take a turn for the better.

Now that I have gone further and further into sadness without even trying to I am going to close this with a promise that I am going to continue to try to do better. I am going to try to change my life and turn to true happiness, no matter the list and boxes to check off, no matter anyone’s idea of what I should be and do, and no matter the money and what my work puts as constraints. I will be me starting now, the happy me.  

#disappointment #adulting #work #happiness #tryingtofindhappiness #readingandwriting #whenwilliknow