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alyssapinno-blog · 4 years

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Try to be happy and satisfied … but how?

So far all I am is a disappointment. I have committed to and failed at most everything I have “set my mind to.” What do I truly want to do in this life? When will I know?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be melodramatic and I know that others feel the same way, but I still can wonder, can’t I? I think my problem is that I have always “known” what I am supposed to do. Which has not always been something that I have decided on my own. So then, I became a box checker. Do this, then this, then that, and after will be this. I get to a task or event or what have you, and then I cannot even enjoy any of it because I am focused on the next task. For the simplest of examples, as a kid, do you remember how amazing every single holiday was? Yeah, me too, for the most part. But now they are nothing more than added stress or something you feel obligated to participate in. Please tell me that’s not just me. I have considered that maybe I have this ever-growing negative attitude and mindset that is implanted in my anxiety and depression that does not allow me to enjoy everything that once gave me the most joy! How do I fix this? Or is this what they call adulting? If its adulting, I don’t want it.

I have tried to start mentally being honest with myself and seeing what I could possibly do to eradicate these feelings and thoughts and I have come up short every time. The only conclusion I have come to is that I need to do things that make me happy, no matter how big or small. Writing this blog is one of the things I really enjoy. It gives me a place to think through everything and put it out into the world. Sharing it for some reason takes the weight off my shoulders as if I am sharing the burden with someone. Another joyful hobby I have reintroduced to my life is reading. Wow, I never knew the things I loved the most as far as hobbies make me a total nerd. Any who, I made a goal to read at least 10 books this year. So far I am reading book number 4. I am ahead of the odds in making my goal, so that makes me feel proud. Which then does make me happy, so win there. Traveling is the latest interest I have re-added to my life endeavors. Recently I was on a trip to California with my husband and a bunch of my family. Yet again, nerdy, yes, I know. It was a celebration in honor of my Great Uncle’s 80th birthday. The trip alone woke up the travel bug in me but also hearing the stories of my Great Uncle and his travel adventures. He set a goal to reach 100 counties in his lifetime and is only a few shy of completing that goal. What an amazing accomplishment. (But accomplishment isn’t the word I should use because it then turns into more of a check box type of task.) His goal inspired my husband and I to also make a goal of our own. We are planning to reach all 50 states together. We even got one of those Instagram ad worthy maps where you scratch off the states that you traveled to. And if you are wondering, the states that we have been to prior to adventuring together do not count. The states that we will count and scratch off are going to be ones we do together. Our next trip is in the works, Kentucky in November. Cannot wait.

Along with trying to reintroduce hobbies and adventures that make me feel happy I have been doing a deep dive into the one thing that takes up most of my life- my job(s.) For the longest time I have working multiple jobs. I always give the same answer when people ask why I work so much. It’s either, “Saving up for the wedding,” or “Preparing for having kids someday,” or “I just love working.” Problem is- the wedding is done and paid for, kids are a topic I will write about in the future, and I love working because it takes me away from my boring lack luster life. That’s hard to admit but it’s true. I have always used work to avoid everything. This consists of missing holidays or family time because I’ve already shared that it’s not my favorite, my life at home because no matter how hard I try it’s always a mess, and the feeling of not having enough people in my friend group to occupy my time. That’s deep and dark but it’s the truth. It’s a feeling of not being acceptable or living up to the standards of what this arbitrary world has set to be normal.

I just keep spiraling and writing so I apologize to anyone who reads this if it doesn’t make total sense, stream of conciseness. Back to the job situation. The quote that I found years ago is plastered to the left of my computer screen and I look at it daily. Steve Jobs said, “Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do, If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” Looks like I have work to do. I most definitely don’t feel like I am satisfied. I am not able to do great work as much as I have tried. Yet again another topic that I will write about in great detail later on. I don’t have a solution other than that I need to move up or move on. Hopefully this part of my story will soon take a turn for the better.

Now that I have gone further and further into sadness without even trying to I am going to close this with a promise that I am going to continue to try to do better. I am going to try to change my life and turn to true happiness, no matter the list and boxes to check off, no matter anyone’s idea of what I should be and do, and no matter the money and what my work puts as constraints. I will be me starting now, the happy me.

#disappointment #adulting #work #happiness #tryingtofindhappiness #readingandwriting #whenwilliknow

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mywholelife-writtendown-blog · 7 years

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Day 1

I don't know that I want anyone to read this, all I know is I need to write it. I don't even know where to start, I'm dating someone who is nothing like me... I grew up in the suburbs, my mothers parents were wealthy, my father was the handsome poor boy. She left him because he didn't offer her enough, he thought she was crazy and high maintenance. I grew up with okay money, I definitely wasn't rich but I wasn't ever hungry, (which I've learned as I've grown up, is considered rich to some). I met this guy, we'll call him..... //name off the top of my head?!%|!|'fkdkxks// uuuuuuuuuuh, Rick..... ... So anyway I started talking to Rick, in the middle of my last year of high school. I had dated a few guys, but to be honest I was born mostly lesbian and didn't become straight until I hit puberty, and I thought boys were dumb so I didn't have a TON of experience. That doesn't mean I had zero alright, I knew enough. So we started talking on social media, and had been nonstop for about two weeks before I said fuck it, I'm gonna drive out to the middle of nowhere to meet this guy. Yes, I was lucky I didn't die. So I get about 45 minutes away from my perfect suburbia that I had always hated and all of the street lights are gone. I had been in the country and stared at the stars before but this little town I drove into had a perfect view of the whole sky. Bright, brilliant ass stars. My mom was relatively strict as I grew up so I was driving out to boonfuck-nowhere completely against my moms approval. I was a few days shy of being 18 years old, and had never felt so free. A few miles out of the small town that kept the boy that had me endlessly staring at my screen for weeks, the roads curved dangerously under the brilliant stars. I drove 90 like a dumb ass, eager to meet my Prince Charming, Rick. Not to mention I had popped my tire that day, but I was so eager that I drove out on a donut. Not to mention not having my dad in my life and my mom being pampered, I was completely unaware that you shouldn't go 90 on a donut. But I survived and my car survived another few years.... after a few visits to the shop, so go me. I show up and his bed is on the floor, he's dressed all edgy and his room has holes in the wall from who knows what, probably wrestling. His friend is there.... Nick? So Rick and Nick are shooting the shit while I'm sitting on Ricks bed on the floor. He hasn't hardly said two words to me, but he's so hot I just wanna crawl onto him and bite his jaw in front of everyone in the room. Which included, his best friend, his dad, his adorable young sister and her friend. His younger sister asked me to play Mario cart with her and her friend, to which I said "I'll just watch" because I was too busy completely staring at this weird creature of a thing I hadn't ever really had interest in like this, a boy. Rick and his dad had just fixed the subs they had put in his car, so Rick and Nick decide they want to go on a drive. I agree to go with, awkwardly sitting/hiding in the back. He blasted dark horse by Katy perry, and sped down dark backroads. The subs shook my legs so hard I thought I was gonna cum. I was sitting sideways hiding my face and looking at the stars out the back window, endlessly smiling while I slid around and he flew over hills making my stomach drop over and over like a rollercoaster ride. Him and his friend were goofy and free. We got to Applebee's and he offered to pay for me to eat, after sitting across from me next to his friend. I was in my work clothes and immediately regretted it, just a sloppy bun, a hoodie, and slipper boots that probably weren't meant to be worn outside from the target pajama section. Hardly any makeup, if any at all. I figured if he didn't like me for natural me, then that was for the best. But he sat across from me and smiled endlessly, nearly blushing when I looked at him. I felt trapped in plain sight, directly across from him, a mess. He paid for food for him and his friend both, and then tipped the server $50 off of a giftcard on a $20 meal. I was floored, and almost wished I had ordered food. Where was he getting this money. He was only 19. We dropped off Nick, his friend, and the minute we went to leave he grabbed my hand in the car without asking or hesitation, and sped off. I felt whole. I had had severe depression for years, and suddenly all of that heavy sadness and feeling of being alone went away. His hand fit perfectly in mine. We flew over hills, each time I giggled which I think he loved. We got back to his place and for the first time, I had sex that left me feeling confident, sex that made me feel fulfilled and loved. Home. We talked about our struggles and favorite music, which I had never felt so similar to a boy. I had never felt so understood by a dumb teenage boy in my life. I completely forgot about my troubles. Eventually I passed out in his arms and drooled all over him. He didn't even mind. I woke up with him wrapped around me, I was in such a strange place, and none of it even mattered because for the first time in a long time, I was happy. He made my chest feel heavy, and gave me butterflies more than any guy ever had. He was different and he knew it, I was different and I knew it, and he could recognize that. Not that I was just clearly different than most, but he understood the differences. I spend most of my time daydreaming about this night. Despite all that's happened, I don't think he'll ever understand how perfect that night was to me.

#life #mylife #writing #personal #private #venting #tryingtofindhappiness #anonymous

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