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freddieofhearts · 3 years

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Bye bye, dears (for now!)

I know there have been a lot of rumours and some posts about me leaving, so here I am to set the record straight and say a quick ‘au revoir’. This post is long, and I don’t expect everyone to read the whole thing—if you just want information on how to keep in touch, or about access to my removed fics, scroll to the bottom. ⬇️

Why are you leaving?

Firstly, of course I’m not leaving Freddie. This is just an ongoing hiatus from the social side of fandom, because while I have some incredible friends here, who have done all they can to support me and have made this experience wonderful in lots of ways—it’s also true that the social space has become more and more toxic for me.

I get a wild amount of hate. Despite never having my ask box enabled on here, people create new accounts just to message me and tell me all the problems in this fandom are my fault, that I’m faking being sick, that I should kill myself, that I’m fat, etc. I also very regularly get hateful comments on AO3.

Obviously I realise that I’m not the only one who receives these cruel attacks, but it’s become increasingly hard to handle them—especially as some people (‘real’ accounts, not faceless anons) do continue to blame me for wider problems in the fandom. It makes me feel consistently sad, anxious, and paranoid, so that I can’t focus on anything Queen-related that I enjoy.

More pressingly, it’s affected my mental health, which is—imperfect at the best of times. As I’ve occasionally alluded to in older posts on this blog, I have a history of anorexia, OCD, PTSD, and some other overlapping issues. Most people who know me in the fandom are also aware that I’m ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’ to Covid-19, significantly immunocompromised, and have been isolating at home for eleven months.

The combination of all of these things + the constant toxic messages has really been triggering me, and leading to an uptick in disordered behaviours, which my body cannot sustain. Every new instance of hate from an anon—every time there’s another indication of groups in the fandom wanting to ostracise me further—my reaction is deeply self-punitive and unhealthy. Ultimately I need to be out of this environment for, at least, a protracted period. My therapist, my partner and my close friends in the fandom support this decision.

So, what went wrong?

In 2019, I expected to be an absolutely tiny blog in the Queen Tumblr landscape. The fandom was already well-established, and I have never worked to ‘build a following’ on here—I think I’ve linked my own fic a maximum of three or four times!—in fact, more or less the opposite. As I mentioned above: ya girl is nutty as a fruitcake. As a result, I often avoid extremely niche things in daily life which cause severe anxiety for me, Relevant examples here: I never look at my timeline. I never intentionally look at my follower number. Yup, it’s strange, I fully admit it, but it’s best for me to go with these things—usually. In Queen fandom, however, this avoidance both of analytic stats and of most direct engagement led to some problems... My followers grew without me realising, and way more people were reading my blog than I was aware of. I was still in a—“Wow, this fandom is very frustrating, and rife with ableism, racism, etc., so how do we fix this???”—mindset, and I wanted to share my opinions, sure! but I also thought I was sharing them with 15-20 like-minded people.

Now, intent is not impact, and I recognise that I was brusque, didn’t phrase things particularly sensitively, and absolutely did hurt some people by criticising the fandom so freely. I still regret this—and I regret just as much the fact that some assholes have used my criticising the fandom on my own blog as implicit justification for attacking authors. I have said on here many times that I don’t condone that behaviour—but I also think there’s some truth in the presumption that these anonymous malcontents felt my critiques somehow ‘permitted’ them to engage in abuse. For the first few months, though, I genuinely had no idea there was a link at all—and so I was initially slow to condemn this abusive behaviour in public, because I was taking it for granted all authors agreed it was shitty. It took someone directly telling me (shoutout to @a-froger-epic) that people had identified a connection between my posts and the anons, before everything fell into place.

I would like to offer my apologies to the fandom at large for not being more quick on the uptake about this, because I feel that had I realised sooner that these people were taking ‘inspiration’ in some way from me, it might have been easier to put a stop to it. It does seem that there is still a lot of confusion about whether I support them and which of their views I agree with. Let’s be 100% clear on this: I do not support the anonymous commenters on AO3. At times there is some, limited overlap between parts of their views and parts of mine, but even that is less than you may think—I often see anonymous comments from so-called ‘Freddie fans’ that I substantially disagree with.

Perhaps even more importantly: I do not support anyone who sends anonymous hate on Tumblr.

What’s all this about ‘overlap’ with the anons?

Let’s do a mini-summary of the myths vs. the truth. There are views I hold which are genuinely unpopular in the fandom—but which I own up to completely, and have never tried to hide in any way. I’ve never needed to use anonymous to share my opinions because I’m completely open about them! What people who don’t know me tend to have ‘heard’ about me, though, is usually a drastic distortion of my real opinions.

What people think I think:

- Freddie should never top.

- It’s okay to send anon hate if someone writes Freddie ‘wrong’.

- It’s more important to correct ‘wrong’ portrayals than to respect other writers.

- It’s inherently wrong to be more interested in band pairings than canon pairings.

- Freddie should be overtly written as a r*pe survivor/victim (and not doing this is wrong).

- Freddie should be overtly written as having an eating disorder (and not doing this is wrong).

- Kink fics are wrong.

What I actually think:

- I believe Freddie did have a strongly defined sexual identity with marked preferences, but I don’t think Jim Hutton lied when he said that Freddie topped. I believe Freddie did top, but this isn’t the time or place to get into my thoughts on why/when/how much. I do believe that my analysis of the sources relevant to this subject is as historically accurate as one can reasonably be in matters of sex (where historical accuracy will always be particularly limited and imperfect)—but I don’t think it’s morally wrong to write Freddie as topping more than he probably did.

- I don’t believe there’s only one ‘right’ version of Freddie (all others being ‘wrong’). I do believe it is possible to be more right or less right—but I’m also conscious of the fact that this scale of value is not one by which everyone measures fanfiction. As a result, then, I don’t think that any perceptions surrounding ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ justify sending anonymous, non-constructive criticism, or outright hate.

- I do believe constructive criticism is a good thing. I welcome and appreciate it myself; I have received it on my fics in Queen fandom, and it has made them better. I have been in writing workshops which included very forceful criticisms, and the value of such feedback has been intimately and immediately part of my life as a writer for years. However: in this case, I have accepted that my opinion differs from the general community preference, and so I no longer offer any constructive criticism (outside private beta-reading). I haven’t changed my view, but I’ve changed my practice to align with community norms.

- I do not think any single, individual writer has a personal responsibility to write about Freddie Mercury in any given way. That ranges from including the more distressing topics to which I’ve devoted attention (such as trauma)—to concentrating on ‘canon’ pairings like Jimercury—to, even, focusing on Freddie at all.

“Now, that doesn’t sound like you, @freddieofhearts,” you might be thinking. And I know it doesn’t; I think something I’ve done a poor job of articulating is the difference between how I view each individual fan—namely, as free to shape their creative experience at will, even in ways that I might find distressing or offensive; even in ways that you might find distressing or offensive—and the way I view the Collective. I think people have interpreted some of my critiques of ‘Queen Fandom’ as meaning something like: “You-in-particular, a specific Queen fan, are doing it wrong and should change everything about how you do it; also you don’t really care about Freddie.”

And—that’s not it. What any given fan, as an individual, does, isn’t a problem. And that can be true alongside—concurrently with—a multivalent critique of how the fandom is lacking in representation of Freddie’s life, with all that that (wonderful, deservedly celebrated, but also profoundly traumatic) life entailed. I still hold that view; I still have myriad problems with ‘the fandom’ (structurally, collectively, historically and presently—from the 1990s to the 2020s). Some of what I want to work on (away from the social life of fandom) is expressing those critiques with greater nuance, in ways that can’t be misinterpreted as shading any particular fanfiction author or subgenre of story.

In brief: I haven’t changed my mind, but I think Tumblr is an untenable environment in which to discuss the things I want to analyse, especially as there is an ever-present danger of hurting someone.

Can we keep in touch? Where is the fic?

I will drop by this account periodically to check out posts that friends have sent me, so you can always sent me a private message to ask for my contact details on the other app that I’m using now for fandom friends. Multiple Freddie conversations and projects are going on over there, off-Tumblr, with a much ‘gentler’ environment and no bad actors—I personally love it!

All my fic has been downloaded and saved. I don’t want to deal with constant harassment on AO3, but I’m happy to share a copy with anyone who missed it and wants to read/re-read something. I also saved everyone’s lovely comments and thoughtful con-crit, so none of that has been lost or erased.

Thank you to everyone who welcomed me to the fandom, made me think, taught me, shared with me, sent me into fits of the giggles, collaborated with me creatively, and otherwise made this one hell of a ride! Love you all. ❤️

#au revoir my dears #lil gay bby

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simmonstrinity · 4 years

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Reiki Dans Le 06

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Reiki 3 Degree Symbols

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bipolarblurbz-blog · 7 years

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Where Would I Be if I Were Born 25 Years Later?

I wish I had known a long time ago about my mental illness. As the saying goes, “hindsight is 20/20” and my life played out as it should have, but I believe I would be “further along” intellectually, emotionally, and professionally had I been born 25 years later. I speak from an education perspective, because I believe that school is critical to a child’s neurodevelopmental, social growth, academic success, and ultimately their professional career. Today it appears that parents have a much better sense of their child’s character and surroundings, an awareness of potential psychological disorders and, perhaps most important, a closer relationship with their child’s teacher than years past. Teachers are privy to a child’s daily behavior and their associated developmental and learning disorders, and are often the first to recognize the need for intervention. Either way, it feels as though children are looked after and cared for in a way that I was not. And because of this, many get the support and help that they need to do their best in school, on the playground, and at home. I can still see my 3rd grade self being put in the corner for acting out. It was not until recently that I realized that I wasn’t a bad or misbehaved kid, I just couldn’t sit in my chair for an entire lesson. Had it been known that I had ADHD, then maybe I could have had the tools and, perhaps, medication to improve my school experience, and positively influence my life’s path. I always dreaded school assignments from elementary grades through college. Some people actually get enjoyment from learning! Unfortunately, that was not the case for me. I imagine this is because it was painfully difficult for me to focus to get work done; there is nothing enjoyable about that. People with ADHD are often quite bright and, because of this, the disorder goes unnoticed until the student can no longer “keep up.” This means that I was smart enough to get the work done even though I was comprehending far less than 100% of the lesson being taught. This explains my grades; both academic and conduct. I would soar academically and drown in conduct. Talking out of turn and to classmates, and getting out of your chair disrupted the class and are significant factors that affect conduct grades. I remember doing all of that. By junior high, my grades started to slip in some classes from A’s to B’s, spoiling my chances of getting into “honors-level” courses. I fell even further behind in high school. Courses were harder and more demanding, and I just couldn’t keep up. The student advisors were useless; we’d meet 1-2 times per year and accomplish next to nothing. They should be required to assess a student who isn’t doing well, and ask questions in an attempt to identify the potential cause and demand further evaluation, so that a proper diagnosis and treatment can be prescribed. Teachers working in my school didn’t talk to students or their parents about their progress, or lack thereof. Any news that got back to my parents was simply what I was telling them; and my report card of course. Neither of which told the whole story. But my home was chaotic and my mother didn’t have the time nor energy to understand and help all four of her children. My father was never involved; he was too busy being an alcoholic. My mother was the disciplinarian and caretaker. But she wasn’t able to see my poor grades as something beyond “laziness”, “misbehavior” and “carelessness” and to get me the help I needed to thrive in the school environment; ironic because my mother, herself, was a middle school teacher for 40 years. If I complained about school being hard or making me anxious, she would tell me something to the effect, “Well, I don’t know. You’re a bright girl and have a high IQ. You have the highest IQ of your three siblings.” But that didn’t help at all, nor did it matter to me. I was crying out for help, feeling as if I was drowning at school. Unfortunately, my calls for help went unanswered. My mom didn’t have anything to give; she was spent from the turmoil that was her life. It hurts my heart when I think about high school because I know I’m smart and could’ve done well. I could’ve learned and participated more, and ENJOYED the classes, but I had untreated ADHD, and symptoms of depression coupled with anxiety that began to significantly affect my performance. I remember having anxiety as early as junior high. That followed me into high school where it got worse, eventually becoming acute anxiety. Walking from the bus to homeroom was agonizing. Homeroom to first period, agonizing. Sitting at lunch, agonizing. Getting on the bus to home, agonizing still. I had no self-esteem; common for someone with ADHD who is often forgetful and clumsy and just can’t seem to “get it together”. Self-worthlessness shared space in my head with depression and anxiety. I managed to make friends, play sports, and make it through high school despite my struggles. I felt lucky that my state university accepted me -- I swear it was God working magic! My 2.8 GPA got me into their reputable business school. I chose a major in business administration because I was strong in math, and it seemed like a more functional degree to have when looking for a job after college. I remember arriving at college feeling clueless and terrified. My anxiety was debilitating, and coupled with my ADHD, I felt paralyzed. I was scared to go to class because I knew I could not pay attention and didn’t want the professor to call on me. I could not speak in class. I was horrified to give an oral presentation and would worry from the day I received the syllabus until the date of the presentation (usually 4 months in between!). I loathed working in groups and frequently didn’t produce my piece of the pie. (As a child of an alcoholic, you hide the truth and do anything you can to appear “normal.” Relationships are difficult to foster and hard to keep, and you don’t want anyone to see your weaknesses, so you do your best to not show any.). I skipped class often and would daydream during class; missing whatever the professor was saying. I would’ve been better off sleeping or going to the gym because I would’ve done something productive. I was so unbelievably not “present” that I FAILED the introductory course to my major! In the business school, you had to take an intro class for each department to confirm that the one you chose was something that you could succeed and were interested in (i.e. Intro to Marketing, Accounting, etc.). Since I could not pay attention in class, I would often not attend and would subsequently fail the exams. Consequently, I teetered my senior year on the seesaw of graduation or failure, while working my tail off to make that class up. Hard to believe I was taking an introductory course and the more challenging classes that are required just before you graduate at the same time. This was my life – a sad young woman who was lost and fearful, always trying to clean up her mess. I am a good example of what happens when mental illness goes unnoticed and untreated, while the person suffers, but either thinks it’s normal because they don’t know better or doesn’t understand why they feel the way they do. So, IF I were born 25 years later, my life might have looked like this: My parents and teachers would’ve gotten me help in elementary school where I would’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and put on a treatment plan. This wouldn’t necessarily include medication; however, as an adult I have responded very well to stimulants. I would’ve enjoyed school more and performed better. I imagine a chain reaction, with an early diagnosis and this newfound focus being my elixir to thrive academically, socially and emotionally.

Nothing is perfect though. I did develop depression (now diagnosed bipolar disorder II), anxiety, and PTSD, and those too would’ve had to be addressed as I reached my high school years. I would have had all my diagnoses and been treated consistently from high school to college and thereafter. I believe had my mental illness been cared for sooner, I would have chased my passion for languages. I started to learn Spanish and French and adored them both, but like anyone with ADHD, you start many “projects” and have 100 going at the same time, but you can’t ever complete any. Also with self-esteem and self-worth (squashed by untreated mental illness and an unhealthy home environment), I would have applied myself in all aspects of my life and progressed more quickly professionally and in my relationships. I never had a problem making or keeping friendships, but I also didn’t show them all of me, just a few. I was the friend who quietly listened, gave the feedback that they wanted to hear and shelled out compliments like candy to avoid talking about myself. The perfect people pleaser, typical of a child of an alcoholic. But I did have a social life and friends, that wasn’t my problem. I had a terror of boys and men and didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 23 years old and I plan to marry in my 40’s. Maybe that’s the way it was going to be regardless, but I like to think that losing trust in men at a very young was a result of fearing my alcoholic father and growing up with parents in a dead marriage. I don’t attach mental illness to hiding myself from friends or being scared of males, but anxiety definitely contributed to feeling very uncomfortable around them, platonically or not. Doesn’t mental illness, though, impede life from moving forward? Not until recently did I no longer sense an immaturity (not naivety) that I had when thinking about being an “adult” (i.e. sustaining a serious relationship, getting married, having children, etc.) It took time for me to get a proper diagnosis, which had a negative effect succeeding in romantic relationships and jobs, and may have correlated to the relapses I had from stopping my medication. To me, mental illness, lack of self-esteem and self-worth, undoubtedly stunted me emotionally and affected my growth into adulthood.

But, this was my path and I am who I am as a result. And despite the lack of mental health intervention and my many struggles, I’ve managed to find my way to create a life for myself, rich with wonderful friends and a loving fiancé, and will continue to push myself to grow emotionally and spiritually. This is why I am bravely taking on the challenge of blogging my way through mental illness and pain in pursuit of mental health, just like how I eat well and exercise for my physical health. My hope is that I won’t allow fear to stop me even though each time I sit down to write, I am slapped with paralysis. I have to remind myself to write from the heart and the words will flow. “There is no shame in your story. There is no shame in your writing.” I imagine the more I write the better my writing will become and the prouder I’ll feel about my progress. There’s only going up from here!

#depression #bipolar #anxiety #mental illness #mental health

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