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“… endure and then endure, without rhyme or reason or hope of reward–and then endure”

— William Faulkner, Absalom, Absalom!

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Grief Lessons, Anne Carson

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GUESS WHO JUST GOT DROPPED BY THEIR FUCKING PSYCH DUE TO MISSING TWO APPTS IN A ROW

I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE

#it REALLY doesnt help tht my sleeping schedule issues #which caused me to miss the appts #are bc ive been having a hard time w meds

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i hope the stars align and we meet again one day

#but it probably wont happen unfortunately

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i want to cry i miss taylor so much : (

#i havent been able to find them again. for like years now #i think theyre on facebook but i dont want to message someone i dont know and ask bc i think that would be weird #i think messaging them at all would be weird #and maybe a bit stalkery #so im not going to #but oh my GOD i miss them so much #like i am actually tearing up #i want to say hi to them #and hug the #and tell them that im sorry i disappeared #my last acct had a required password reset and i dont have the email for it anymroe #so i wasnt able to get back on #and im just : ( #i miss them a lot #i think about them a lot too

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just fucked around and found out the thinking inanimate objects are alive thing is a psychotic symptom. finger guns.

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reeling.

#oh. #yeah #mood

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LOOOLLL. "mara doesnt talk about me" i literally talk shit abt you all the time?????? i wish you were actually dead dont @ me

i wish i could talk more abt it tho. i dont rlly talk abt it to ppl outside of my lil friend group

#planning things......... #i think it would be funny

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tfw u sit and are like "oh this idea makes way too much sense" in regards to ur trauma

in other words. ik where my initial csa mightve come from? sleepovers w friends! which would explain one of my triggers being having shit inside me during the night/when sleeping

also have come to the conclusion tht my ex sexually abused me along w emotionally abused me (which ik the emotional pqrt was the case, didnt think abt the sexual part until recently)

bc like.... other than the hyde thing and being sexualized at a bit too young of an age - i was either sexualized for being young or for acting too mature. and im like. NOT the mommy/daddy or the dom thry wanted like i am full sub bottom?? they literally turned ne into their fetish

like. i didnt feel comfy denying them what they wanted and there were times when i kept to myself tht i withdrew consent or didnt fully consent bc i was worried abt their reaction

like i was wondering why i had a trauma response to being called their wife/mom aftet we broke up n that is exactly why. i was abused

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*curses my ex with i hope you die disease*!!! :) /gen

#i hope you actually die #youre the worst person alive #i hope you feel bad

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i just LOOOOVE being seen as abusive by my abuser

genuinely i hope they rot. they will never get better if they continue on like this, but you cant help others unless they help themselves first.

#if anyone ever comes to me and asks abt the abuse i am literally going to point them to my exes callout on google docs #like. you think that that guy was the only one they did that shit to???????? #i can get on my old acct and grab SO MANY screens

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i still think its funny that my ex thinks i sent them anon hate

like yes i thought very hard abt it but i wasnt the actual person who did it, that was one of my friends lol

like god. i wish i had done that. unfortunately i did not!

#lso @ my friend yw for taking the blame #not like i havent done that before when it came to my ex lol

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LOVE how ive been told my ex is already saying that theyre "so glad to be able to heal frm me"

like. fucker. YOU are the one who made me cry so much. you are literally the common factor in all ur relationships going wrong. youre so bent on being in the right that youve been spreading bullshit lies abt literally everyone you know :)

like. genuinely i hope you get the help you need but i also hope you get whats coming to you

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honestly if i ever have to hear that i have bpd even one more time i am going to lose my shit

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*suddenly realizes that i was traumatized and deserve good things* < me a few days ago

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lamictal is godly btw! i love it a lot

i still feel like i have periods of euphoria/impulsivity and depression/low energy but like. very very mild

i peek at my med and go "ty for allowing me to feel things normally!"

the only negative is now im not dissociating anymore (not due to med but due to less stress) and now i can feel all of my rage and anxiety full-force which ig is what coping is meant for!

#i deserved better. i still deserve better. #but its still upsetting to know someone i cared for and thought so positively of #is just getting worse and worse and worse #and they dont even realize it or care #like. i know you can be better than this. #i KNOW you can. #so why arent you trying? do you really feel that attached to your suffering? #are you scared of what youll become if you get better? #yknow. you always said that i was the one with the personality disorder but i rlly think it was you projecting #the only reason i ever said i had bpd was bc you convinced me long-term #bc you wouldnt let go of it. bc you wanted the psycho girlfriend #you wanted the yandere mommy domme mother gothel type #when I WASNT EVER THAT at my core #i always felt like i was faking or playing pretend #you did the exact same thing Hyde did. which was treat me like someone im not and try to mold me into that #like yeah you didnt sexually abuse me like he did (which. he was still part of your system btw) #but you absolutely emotionally abused me #and im upset that i wasted all that time and money and care on someone who evidently doesnt care abt me that much #if you were so quick to get over me and move on. when you only messaged me first to ask for things like comfort. #you treated me like i was still your partner after our relationship ended btw - which was very confusing and upsetting #bc you held me to the same expectations #and dont try and rebuff this by saying i didnt tell you!! I WAS TOO SCARED TO BC I HAD TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS #TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING UPSET WITH ME AND GUILTTRIPPING ME #like!!! everything i did was bc i wanted to keep you happy and pleased with me! #take a step back and look at yourself to think why that was. #bc it sure as HELL wasnt all on me #and i know your going to tell all future partners that im the terrible unhealthy one who ghosted you in the end just like i inevitably #was meant to do #while conveniently leaving out wverything bad you did #absolving yourself of shame and guilt

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WOE AND SUFFERING BE UPON YE

#lol #meme reference but i dont want to find image for it #not in ref to anything i did but im wishing ill on a person