the-apocrypha

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LIFEHACK!

Where regular milk, soy milk, almond milk, etc, will go bad 7-10 days after opening lactose-free milk will stay good for 3-5 weeks, even after it's opened. Buy a half gallon and use as needed over the next month. You're welcome.

adult hood is just

*buys a half gallon of milk* *uses it all within a few days* *decided to buy a gallon of milk to not run out before next shopping trip* *uses a teaspoon of milk that week and it goes bad somehow* *buys a quart of milk instead so it won’t go bad* *uses it in one day* *buys a quart and a half gallon of milk because the gallon was too much but the half gallon was not enough* *only uses the half gallon* *gives up on milk for a few days in general* *buys a gallon of milk again just to tempt fate* *somehow uses all of it without realizing and then has to eat sad cereal with like the 5 drops of remaining milk*

#it will cost slightly more #but it tastes the same #and it literally can last you over a month #milk problems solved

[the-apocrypha]

#this is what happens when you take away physician lounges

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So I've been learning French for a while and 'faire' is actually an incredible word. Like what a fucking breakthrough in economy of language.

Faire is a verb that is usually translated into English as "to do/to make," but it covers way more actions than that, which is very confusing for new speakers. because (I have realized) that's not really what faire means.

Faire is actually a word that just gestures vaguely in the direction of the object of the sentence and goes "you know." "Je fais du velo." "Je fais du courses." "Je fais mes valises." I'm biking. I go grocery shopping. I'm packing my bags. You're just sort of pointing at a bike and going "you know, the obvious thing you'd do with it."

English: "You mean RIDE it??"

French: "Sure whatever."

Like idk I just really enjoy the concept of a catch-all verb that you can just slap onto almost anything because who fucking gives a shit, you get the idea. There's a bike. what do you think I'm going to do with it.

[the-apocrypha]

never ask a woman her age a man his salary your mutual how late it is in her timezone when she starts posting about that bisexual man

#it's true #my timezone is my own

[the-apocrypha]

Saoirse-Monica Jackson as Erin Quinn in Derry Girls (2018—2022)

#derry girls

[the-apocrypha]

everyday I pray Zillow makes a comment section

#a little enrichment in the enclosure please

[the-apocrypha]

in guarani there's a standard greeting that literally translates to "are you happy" (ndevy'apa) and the natural reply is "i'm happy" (avy'a) and as americans learning the language we were so distressed like "but what if we're not happy....." and our teachers were like "that's so not the fucking point"

we kept trying to think of any other way to reply but our teachers kept trying to get it into our brains that it's an idiomatic greeting, it literally is not the time or place to traumadump, and as usamerican english speakers we are not some special exception for saying "what's up" with the reply being "not much" instead of "the ceiling"

but anyway while i was working in paraguay -- the country with the largest population of guarani speakers -- i got sent an article by some friends back home like "look! they're saying that paraguay is the happiest country in the world!"

and the methodology was "we went around and asked paraguayans if they're happy and recorded their responses" and i was like. oh. of course you did. and of course you got a 100% positive response rate.

[the-apocrypha]

Reblog with your score

#four #big gamer here

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the big upgrade for death’s wings

#dead boy detectives #sandman

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#oh med students

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Hey are you offended by the word bitch? I'm going to send you a hate anon, but I saw that you go by she/her and I respect women

don't let anything stop u from being a hater king

[the-apocrypha]

Psych – 3.12: Earth, Wind and… Wait for It

#psych

[the-apocrypha]

i really like looking at google image searches for “firemen rescuing cats” or something because you get super cute pictures like

AND THEN THERE’S THIS ONE

#always rb #cats

[the-apocrypha]

Ancient lock mechanism

[the-apocrypha]

Talking with @bitacti this afternoon about that tiktok in which a woman breaks a load of dried spaghetti in half to make it fit in the pot, and her Italian boyfriend has a meltdown over the disrespect. Everyone else said Nicky/Joe, cute, but my brain immediately said OKAY SO NICKY AND NILE.

Nile snapping a load of Barilla in half to cram it into the pot, and Nicky all, "Ahhhhhh, why? Nile! Is it not enough that we must suffer these garbage American noodles? Must we also make it so short???" And Nile mostly laughs it off, but part of her--the part that remembers that she's 25 and that she grew up on ricearoni and gushers--feels kind of like a pleb. Joe, being Joe, is like, "No worries, kid, I got your back."

So Joe is there with a discrete shake of the head the next time Nile starts pulling the bacon out of the fridge when they're making carbonara, and he casually steers the strainer out of the sink just before Nile can start rinsing off the steaming pasta.

He also provides helpful tips, like when Nile didn't know the ancient Italian custom of making the sign of the cross before you add the salt to the pasta water, so God will bless your meal. Or that a wooden spoon should only be rested on a plate that is red, white or green. Or how fish should always be cut with the largest knife in the house as a sign of respect to the fishermen.

It all comes to a head when Nicky puts Nile in charge of the grilled salmon but she can't find their cleaver anywhere, and after ten minutes and several upended drawers, Nile is getting desperate and then

Nicky: Nile, are you searching for God in this kitchen or a knife, because only one of those things will filet a fish for us.

Nile: I can't find the big knife!

Nicky: The big knife?

Nile: Yes, the big one. We're having fish. We need the big one.

Nicky: You can just use this--

Nile: No, we need the biggest one!

Nicky: But--

Nile: DO YOU WANT THE FISHERMEM HONORED OR NOT NICKY

Nicky: ...

[From outside, the thwick of a blade sinking into wood as Andy hits another bullseye with their cleaver]

#this has been getting some notes recently #the old guard #nile freemam #nicolo di genova #yusuf al kaysani #my writing

[the-apocrypha]

and if you feel comfortable sharing what song(s), let us know in the tags!

#also a mambo number five girlie 👍