theoblivon

[theoblivon]

Hi, this is my first fanfic ever. Also English is not my native language so please ignore the mistakes.

I might turn this in to a series, telling how the reader and Matthew met etc.

Summary: You and Matthew had been friends for a time. Both of you loved each other but neither of you admitted till today…

TW: Fleabag season 2 spoilers, angst with a happy ending

Word Count: 2,325

Song: Emotions by Brenda Lee and So This Is Love by Ilene Woods

YOU ARE MY CURE

Emotions by Brenda Lee

I was halfway through season 2 episode 6 of Fleabag when he appeared at my door. Turns out this was one of those rare occasions where both of us had a free night.

— "Hi, hope I am not interrupting something."

He said with a smile on his face.

— " You know you're not. Are you hungry? I was just making pasta."

— " It smells delicious. You are a saint (Y/N)."

— " That's blasphemy, Matthew."

I joked. He let out one of those majestic laughs of his. I wasn't a believer nor was I raised as one. Tho it would be a huge mistake to say that I was raised at all. We were now in the kitchen. He sat down on the long counter that I was also using as a table.

— " What were you watching before I arrived?"

— " Do you remember the show that I made Franklin watch?"

— " The one that he talked to you about for days? How could I ever forget? It was called Fleabag right?"

— " Yep, that's the one."

— " You must really love this show."

— " Yes, I do. "

— " Well, let's watch it then."

I panicked because I knew I would cry if I continue. So I lied hoping it wouldn't be caught on his radar.

— " I only have 10 minutes left to finish the entire show. You would hear so many spoilers."

— "I don't mind."

He said with a smile that indicates that he knew I was lying. I had no choice now. I would never admit that I would cry if I continue. Emotions are not my thing. He learned that thus far. I was cold and an incredibly distant person. Tho I was different when there were only two of us. I never cry in front of people. But I did cry in front of him twice. But those times were different. Nevertheless, I was going to hold myself. I could do that. I've been in situations where I had to hold back not only tears but any emotions. But just not with a human hound dog around me who can easily smell my tears.

— " Suit yourself."

I said while handing him a bowl of pasta. I tried to calm my breath down. I was normally good at that but then again everything was different when it comes to him. Sat down next to him with a bowl of pasta myself. I gave him a summary before I hit the play button. We were now at the wedding scene where The Preist was talking about love. I was trying to make the lump in my throat go away by shoving pasta in my mouth but when we got to the part where Fleabag was confessing her love, I couldn’t eat even if I forced myself to. Now the show was over. I tried to stop my eyes from forming tears afraid that he would pick up on it. But I was too late.

—" You are about to cry, I can tell." 

He said with a sad smile.

— "Will you just fuck off and be like a normal blind person for a second." 

I tried the joke, my voice full of emotions other than happiness. Knowing he can understand it as well made me furious but also made me feel a similar feeling whenever I was alone with him: Wanting to let go. I wanted to open myself up to him. Even tho he got a glimpse of who I am -from the small windows he discovered in my walls that I built to hide my true self - I wanted to tell him everything. But I couldn't. I got up and tried to walk away from him and my feelings. But before I can even stand he pulled me back to the couch, much closer to him than before. Couldn't help but steal a glance at his lips but only for a second. Cause I was afraid if I stared a bit longer I might give in and let my lips show the words I can't speak...

— "Don't do that." He said. "Don't walk away from me. Ever."

— "I wasn't walking away from you. I was going to the bathroom-" 

He instantly cut me and said:

— " You know your heartbeat doesn't change very much when you lie like most people. But I don't need to hear your heartbeat to know that you are lying. Because I know you. Even tho you don't let me."

I wanted to tell him that I do want to let him know me. But I couldn't bring myself to speak. I couldn't dare to open my mouth cause I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to close it till there were no walls anymore.

— " Speak to me (Y/N)."

I looked up at him. His gaze focused somewhere on my face. Warmth was visible in his unseeing eyes. His hand still holding mine from when pulled me back to the couch. One of his legs is curled on the couch so that his body fully faces me. Head tilted aside and leans towards me. Ready to listen. He was too close. Not because of the physical proximity but also because he was dangerously close to my true self. Day by day, brick by brick, he destroyed my walls and some voice in my head whispered that this was the last of it. So I took a deep breath. And started to speak.

— " I love this show so much. And not because of its brilliant absurd-comedy writing of course it's an element but-" 

I paused, doubting if I should go on. We sat there in silence for a second. He realised my hesitation to speak.

—"Go on." 

He said with an assuring tone.

—" The reason why I watch Fleabag over and over again, especially season 2 is because of the love story between Fleabag and The Preist."

— " But you always say that you hate love stories."

— "Yes. Yes, I do but you see I hate love stories because I don't relate to most of them. But them, them I relate. Fleabag is much like me. She built these walls around her to survive. And she chooses sarcasm, humour and sex as her defence mechanism. She also does this thing where she looks at the camera from time to time in between the conversations by breaking the 4th wall. And when she does that she is herself. Her true self I mean. Beyond the walls and masks and defences. Likewise, The Priest has walls and masks. But unlike her, he chose his defence mechanism as religion. There is a scene where he says: " I can't have sex with you because I'll fall in love with you and if I fall in love with you then my life would be fucked." 

I paused. Not because I was lost for words. On the contrary, I knew precisely what I was going to say next. I just couldn't bring myself to say it. Cause if I do then there was no going back. I looked at him and I knew whether I say it or not there was no going back.

— "And... well... I relate to that wholeheartedly."

I watched his gaze change. I felt like if I would wait a bit longer then he would say something or worse do something. So I continued.

—"Now here is the part that gets me: The Priest can see when she speaks to the camera. So that means he can see her true self beyond her walls."

I took a deep breath, my voice threatening to break at any moment.

—"And that is... that is just... so fucking beautiful."

I took another breath in, tears threatening to fall from my eyes.

—" But even tho they understood and saw each other beyond all the deception in the end they ended up all alone. And what's worst is they now know what it feels like to be truly loved."

The fight that I had between me and my tears was lost. Now they were falling from my eyes. I could see on his face that he was fighting with himself not to wipe the tears off of my eyes and pull me closer to him. Looking at the ceiling, hoping it would stop my tears from falling I continued.

—" I relate and understand both of them completely. She let go and said "I love you" right out loud and he let his guard down and fell in love with her. But after sacrificing everything to survive he knew that love was a luxury he can not afford. You see I spend the majority of my life trying to survive. So just like them, I built walls. Just like them, I played a character to anyone and everyone I knew. The only difference is I chose my defence mechanism as sarcasm and being a heartless bitch."

I lowered my eyes from the ceiling to capture his eyes, knowing he could feel my gaze on him.

— "But you know what?"

— "What?" 

He said now his eyes are watering as well.

— "I am not heartless Matthew, I just had to learn how to use my heart less to survive."

Tears shamelessly rolled down my face. I tried to quiet my sob by taking a deep breath which I failed miserably. Hearing my sob made his tears fall. He grabbed my other hand as well to squeeze it. He knew I wasn't done speaking, so he didn't interfere. Now looking at our hands I continued.

— "So I have only three options: One, I would put myself out there like Fleabag but to the wrong person or at the wrong time and end up heartbroken. Or just like The Preist, I would be afraid to let go so I'll miss the opportunity of love by turning it down and end up heartbroken. Or I will continue as I am which means I'll die unloved and untouched"

That was the last drop for Matthew. Without wasting another moment he grabbed me by my cheeks and kissed me with a force that was enough to suffocate me yet there was a delicacy to his touch that said more than words ever could. His lips were soft yet his facial hair was rough on my skin. When I melted into his touch - which was extremely quick- I pulled him closer by his shirt and kissed him back. And at that moment there was no one else in the world other than us. No other thought was in my mind other than Matthew. He broke the kiss by tugging at my lower lip. I let out a moan. He rested his forehead on mine. Now the reality was crawling back to me. The harsh truth is that I couldn't afford love.

— "You don't have to die unloved and untouched (Y/N). We can make this work."

I turned my head to my side. Fighting to urge to cry.

— "Hey (Y/N). Listen to me."

He gently grabbed me by my jaw and made me face him.

— " Listen to me. We can make this work."

He paused, took a deep breath, and opened his lips to say something. I knew what was coming. I want to stop him from saying it but I was also yearning for him to say it as well.

— "I love you (Y/N)."

I gasped. Not hearing those words for so many years. Not from the people that mattered. And he mattered. More than anyone or anything.

— " Ohh, Matthew." I said with sorrow in my voice. Grabbed the side of his face then watch him lean into my touch.

— " I... can't. I can't do this to you. You see not one person in my entire family has a happy marriage or a happy life. Not one. Not on my mother's or my father's side. When I was growing up I thought we were poisoned. But then I realised that... that... that we are the poison. You deserve so much better than me." I said tears falling once again. A sharp pain in my chest.

— " (Y/N), there is no one for me other than you. There never will be. And it's you who deserves better than me."

—" That's not true, that's not true Matthew. You know that I had to shut down all my feelings to survive. That includes love as well. So now if I say those words back. If I open my feelings back up. That means unlocking Pandoro's box. A tsunami of emotions will come down on me. On us. And I can not do that. Not to you"

— " Then will fight it away. Just like we always do. We fight it together. Because I love you. And I swear to God I will never stop loving you. I don't care if your family was poisoned or not. Because you are my cure (Y/N). "

So This Is Love by Ilene Woods

Feeling that I started to relax in his touch with his words, he leaned in more and whispered on my lips with the tiniest smile.

— " And I love you (Y/N)"

— " I love you too Matthew."

—" This might be the death for both of us."

I said.

—" It might. But it's a risk worth taking. Wouldn't you agree?"

He said with a smile that made me smile as well. He didn't need to hear the answer to know that it indeed sounded like heaven. Our lips were connected once again. And I knew he was the home that I never had. He was my religion. And I was a true believer.

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PS: Well this was my little story. Again sorry for any mistakes. I am thinking that I will write multiple stories of Matt x Reader and then put them into chronological order and make them a series but will see. Let me know what you think about my idea and my story. I would love to hear your thoughts and reviews. I am also open to requests. I am a film and series junkie so you can request for me just about anything. I would write smut as well. Just so you know ;))

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