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Justin Timberlake and Timbaland make elephant shadow puppets

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But I don't know how much longer I can hold on

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She always talks about after. Always comments on the low light in the bedroom, how she can count each ring of rib and pick out the blue pulse at the hollow of your throat. I try to imagine what isn’t mine: the softness of you in a bedroom that smells like skin and her beneath you, nails in your back like a crucifixion. I try to imagine the cocoon of you, the possessiveness of your embrace, how your fingers curl around her wrists like manacles. She is slave to your passion and you are too—slave to that untamed thing within you that croons with wild abandon and hangs its head when you are spent. I wonder how she can manage to keep herself together and talk about it so normally, as if you do not crawl into bed night after night together, feet bound at the bases of each other’s spines like hands praying. She doesn’t say the most obvious: that you are beautiful, that the sight of you above her—or below her—moving, eyes open wide and mouth gaping is enough to shatter her. That the tilt of your neck against the pillow and how pliable you become beneath her hands and the little ‘o’ she leaves behind on your shoulder with her teeth like a branding as she comes makes her love you—impossibly, achingly— more. It is a love that leaves you both scraped out and hollow, as if it has burned you clean through.

Kristina Haynes, “After” (via fleurishes)

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Nightmares really have this way of preying on your insecurities. I think my brain is using all of my fears and worries against me to destroy me. It is a war of my heart vs my brain. My brain won that one; my heart was completely powerless. I feel like my heart was stabbed repeatedly with the sharpest knife you can find. And I'm not sure what the worst part is... The first five seconds after you wake up where you're still suspended between dreaming and reality and you're not sure which is which and you would rather be dead than live in a world like this nightmare... Or the rest of the day when your brain flashes back to the nightmare and won't stop, makes you think about it constantly, and makes the rest of your day miserable. I can't shake this nightmare. I don't like this feeling. My brain is trying to sabotage me.

#nightmares #paranoia #brainvsheart #fears #worries #rant #personal #depression #now im going to lay in bed all day #i cant feel my face #crying #go away

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