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20-something-love-life · 9 years

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Oh Tinder, Where Is This Going? — the guy who has seriously mindfucked me (pt. 15)

After seeing each other, days later, I texted him. No response. I let some more days past to let the situation breathe and then I sent another innocent text asking how he was doing. Crickets. No response. The 4th of July had come and past. Nothing.

Oh and at this point... During the summer and after seeing each other -- or sleeping with each other a couple of times -- I wanted some outside opinions. I had finally opened up to friends about this guy and clued them in a bit on what was going on. Because I was being distant. I like to keep that part of my life closed off from people until I know what’s happening and have confidence and assurance in my situation with a guy.

I researched the hell out of relationships and defining relationships and men’s brains and all kinds of stuff. I ended up writing “J” a letter that turned into 4 pages of me being as honest as I could and opening up to let him in and get to understand me better. Desperate. I guess that was my way of trying, from my end. I could say I put myself out there some and admitted my faults.

I know I’m not the only one who’s done something like that. He wasn’t talking to me. I wasn’t hearing from him. He was ignoring my texts and I might’ve attempted calling. I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries with him. So I went old-school and sent a letter. The most distant thing I could think of, yet reach out to him. And hope he read it. I still didn’t hear from him for a while...

Then I decided to send a text because I know he had gotten my letter in that time. And I wanted to know what was going on. I still hadn’t heard from him. And...I missed his company....

Me: Heyy there. Everything alright?

J: I'm doing well. Hope you are doing well too.

(Notice the intentional mixed case of his syntax...that actually says something in text world.)

Me: That's good. I am.

Me: You've just been on my mind.

So, here I am thinking things are fine and good. Because he actually responded to me. *SMH* Days letter, we found ourselves in yet another drawn-out texting conversation that would’ve been better suited for a face-to-face in-person interaction -- but “J” wasn’t having that. No sir.

After I initiated the texting, reaching out to hear from him, we had a light mood going with talking about TV and my former job.

J: Yeah it was good. Could have used a little of ur practicing but didn't quite have the time for a 5 hour ordeal haha

(Initially, I had no idea what he meant by “a 5 hour ordeal.” First of all, the diction hit me. Choosing the word “ordeal.” There’s nothing positive concerning that word. It usually implies a problem, a trying challenge and time.)

Me: Oh no I'm sorry about that!

J: About what?

Me: About taking 5 hours to arrive at your place. Err, what were you talking about first?

Me: Whoops, never mind then. Forgotten. Haha

J: Okay.

Me: Okay.

J: U know I wasn't talking about that right?

(What the fuck, guy?! Why didn’t you clarify from the start. This was my main reason why we desperately needed to talk in person. Our communication was off. It was always a struggle deciphering what the other meant. And texting certainly did not help that matter. Looking back, maybe we both just felt more comfortable texting and being able to think about what to say -- at least for me. But there had come a point, before this time, when I wanted to face him head on and clear things up.

Maybe he didn’t want to deal with what he felt was “drama” and wanted to sit in the comfort of his home and tune me out when he felt, by either ignoring texts or responding minutes and hours later when he felt like it. Total jerk and dick move of him if that was the case back then.

Texting was not the way to go. Because if the person doesn’t respond in the amount of time you mentally give them, you start forming your own conclusions and possibilities in your head when that may or may not be the case. You start assuming things and begin texting as if the person is already in your head having that conversation with you. The other person does not have a firm grasp on what you mean and may either state that or go along with it and guess what you mean and that just screws up the communication indefinitely.

Also you have to tweak and worry over every word used and make sure you’re being as direct and completely transparent as possible with your words and making sure that translates the exact meaning you intend for them to. Jeez! Texting can be exhausting.)

Me: No....what were you talking about?

So he ended up falling asleep and texted me the next evening.

J: Sorry I fell asleep last night. I wasn't ignoring ur msg. I was just saying it would be cool if i didn't feel obligated to feel bad that ur going to be upset if I just don't have time to hang out for a long time or have sleep overs and that u were comfortable enough to just tell me u wanna come over. There's many times where I just can't do it and don't ask u to come over in fear u will be upset. I have to ease into that part or I'll be turned off by building the assumption of clingl

(Alright, was he trying to say I was clingy? I didn’t think I was. In fact, I know I wasn’t. I appreciate my space and privacy and give that same respect to the other person. Whatever. I asked if I could call him. Because I was tired of texting this stuff. It had already proven to complicate things more often than not and I never felt I could get my point fully across so he’d understand me.)

J: I can call u in a little bit if u want. Ur fine texting me ur thoughts until then though I don't over think texts.

(And that could’ve been a little shady, if I chose to take it that way. Him thinking I over-think texts. Who doesn’t though? Because you don’t know for sure what the other person means.)

He probably didn’t feel like talking to me. I don’t know why he could call me “in a little bit” versus just dialing my number to talk right then and there. Again, he might’ve been just saying what he thought I wanted to hear or dangle a carrot far enough to keep me hanging on.

Me: Okay sure. Could you summarize your first text you sent tonight? Or re-explain, if that makes sense? :) I don't think I got it.

J: I'm not sure how to do that... basically I feel like I can't invite you over or u just ask to come over without it getting awkward or me feeling bad if we don't either spend the night or have u hang out early enough where you feel like u had enough hours together every time. There's some nights where I have plenty of time to spend and other nights where I don't have much time but would love to see u especially on work days.

J: It's cool. No need to respond. I don't think there's any chance of changing ur mind.

*eye roll* Oh brother. My thing with “J” has always been authenticity and sincerity. I always would have a doubt or second thought questioning whether he was being sincere and authentic with me. That may have been why this thing was always doomed. Even though I really wanted it to work, aside from him not truly being into me. Methinks.

Me: I don't want you feeling like that. Thanks for telling me and letting me know. Everything's cool with me. If everything's cool with you. I got it now. So I'm good. I don't want it to be awkward either. I didn't know I could ask you out of the blue if I wanted to come over and see you. I thought it was better to let you ask me over, since I'd be coming over to your place. Trust me, there are times when I wanna cakk you up and see if I can come over, but I'm not sure if you're busy or if it's a bad time. So I just wait for you. I didn't want to overstep any boundaries.

Me: Whoa, I sent, like, a whole page. Haha

Me: And I meant *call* you up. Obviously. :) My fingers aren't made for tiny buttons.

Me: I would love to see you too.

J: Okay gotcha. I appreciate you being candid.

I sent a smiley in response.

J: Where does that leave us?

*gasp* I had the power to decide what this was with us?! Really?! I was happy and relived. Was it even what I thought? And then I went and replied with...

Me: Us liking each other! But really, whatcha mean?

J: Sweet! !

I sent another smiley in response.

J: What time is ur curfew tonight from ur folks?

Me: I don't have one. Don't make me feel bad about being at home, hahaha.

J: Haha I was just playing with u

Now that I was in good spirits, relived things were back positive and light, and not the scary angry-upset-dramatic chick who exuded drama that “J” wanted no part of, he wanted to put up with again and have me over. Maybe it had been a while since he had sex too. I don’t know.

So we talked on the phone for a bit. Things felt good again. I ended up going to his place super late. Go figure. Never got down to the bottom of why he suddenly stopped talking to me and seemed to pull away and want nothing to do with me in June, the previous month, after we spent the night together and a chunk of Saturday. Out of nowhere. But it was July and we were talking and getting together again. So I didn’t question it.

I remember he called as I was on my way over and I rushed him off the phone because I was almost to his place with no issues. I was proud of myself on the inside. I remember when he opened the door and let me in, we hugged for a moment before even speaking. That embrace felt great and seemed natural. I remember thinking “J” looked good. Real good. I hadn’t seen him in quite a while. And he’d grown out his facial hair. I don’t know if he remembered I liked that or not, but DAMN. Those green eyes. DAMN.

Of course I ended up on his bed, And feeling a tiny bit more comfortable there since it had been my fourth time (I think). I tried to relax and stay present in the moment and not think of past frustrations with him and our situation. I was happy to be with him again.

He came to his room in his long-sleeve shirt and shorts and athletic slip-on shoes. I remember he shuffled in and apologized for the noise of his shoes. There wasn’t a noise, I noticed. He climbed onto the bed and we cuddled for a little while, chatting. I asked if he’d checked his mail. He responded, saying he got “it.” “It,” referring to the letter. He already knew what I was asking about and I already knew what he meant. Now did he read it? He said that I was sweet. And basically paraphrased what I wrote in the letter. There were certain key words he said that told me he must have read it. He made sure I heard him by making me look him in the eye and told me how sweet I was.

That eventually turned into making out. Then that quickly turned into making out without clothes. He would ask if I wanted to keep the TV on or off. I hadn’t heard from the guy in I don’t how long -- could’ve been a month -- and there we were. Like things were all cool and nothing had ever happened. He told me “tonight’s all about you.” Of course that got the butterflies fluttering like crazy down below and all over. Finally, a little give and take. BUT...ask me if I actually got off that night. Psh. Le sigh. Nice try. I’d give a ‘B’ for effort. But it seemed like a good night overall and hopefully a fresh-start attempt.

I’d had time to think about, analyze, obsess over, re-hash interactions and assess the situation between “J” and I. Even with the unnecessary letter I wrote, I’d taken another look at myself and started taking responsibility for my actions and way of thinking that might not have been the best. I started seeing things from another perspective and tried seeing the positive because I was probably being argumentative and even a little bit selfish with things. So I wanted to keep things lights, positive, happy and generally on a good note. Because in my research and talks with guy pals, I gathered that males generally operate off of how their last interaction was with you. And if it was good, they’ll wanna keep spending their time with you. But if they felt it wasn’t so good, took a lot of their energy or made them feel bad...they’re probably gonna pull away and keep their distance. Seems non-communicative -- in the verbal sense -- but it totally happens. It to-tal-ly happens.

Afterwards, we exchanged some ‘witty banter,’ and you think I was trained to just up and go because that’s pretty much what I started doing. And you know what...that boy did have me trained, haha. After “KNOWING” *wink* *wink* each other for a few months, I still felt like I could overstay or wear out my welcome. Because he’d made me feel that way with suggestive hints and body language in the past. And because I’m empathetic and sensitive to vibes and whatnot.

Looking back, I prompted myself to leave so that this last encounter ended on a good note. So that after the deed was done, there would be know getting into a conversation or doing something that would bring on disagreements and ruin the moment...if I just hauled ass and went on my merry little way before even being asked. If he would’ve asked or said so. I got the feeling that it would’ve been okay for me to stay longer or stay the night. But he threw on clothes as he saw me prepping to leave and walked me to the door.

After the hug goodbye, after the drive home, after the shower, after the thinking things left off on a good note, I felt fine. I made a conscious decision to leave on my own accord. Things were fine and good. Things seemed fine and good. So color me confused and fed-up when days later, I texted “J” about coming over and he replied saying how he’d love for me to, but he was fighting off a cold so that he would’ve have to miss work the next day. I jokingly replied back and heard nothing but crickets. What. The. Serious. Fuck?

Well, this is where things took a turn when I thought they were back to good.

(continued...)

#tinder #online dating #sex #sexual relationship #texting #twentysomething #thirtysomething men #22 #Aries #part 15 #J #the guy who has seriously mindfucked me

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20-something-love-life · 9 years

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Oh Tinder, Where Is This Going? — the guy who has seriously mindfucked me (pt. 14)

Yeah, it’s been five months since my last posting. I should probably wrap this story up, huh? I know, I know! Well, here goes... Re-living the moments... the past.

-------------------------------------

I stepped away from my phone so that I wouldn't be obsessing over when I'd get another text from him. He called in the time I stepped away. So I came back to a missed call and this...

J: If u wanted to talk that was ur chance. I'm with a couple friends and have to walk away from them to talk.

Oh no! He had to walk away from his friends to give me a moment of his precious time!

Me: Oh I'm sorry. I stepped away from my phone a while. I just saw your missed call but I don't want to interrupt anything.

J: We've all split up now. I'm just chillin with one of my friends from work now. Just tell me what u were talking ab and we'll go from there

I guess they suddenly split up within the thirty minutes between his last text and this one. It could happen. I guess.

I think we might've talked on the phone for a bit then.

J: So it sounds like ur deadset on wanting a relationship?

Um, sir, I strongly hinted at that, if not made it pretty clear, from the beginning. Once we first started talking. Before we physically became involved. SIDE NOTE: I’m at a point in my life (and was at this point back then) where I'm not getting involved with someone unless there’s intent of having an exclusive relationship. And if I do, then it’s because I intend to pursue a partnership exclusively with one person for quite sometime.

And thinking back to his statement/question about being dead-set on a relationship, maybe that wasn’t his intention. Maybe he was saying I wanted something that he didn’t want right then or with me. Wow.

Back to the story:

Me: Yeah and I'm all about letting it come on naturally. I wouldn't want to force anything. It was one thing -- just one thing -- you said in a text a while back. I think that's why I questioned everything. We were on the same page since we talk things out, for the most part. But you said something like "no need to rush into a relationship." That you're picky when it comes to that. I took it to heart and...here we are. So it all just went back to that one thing. We've already been talking for a couple of months. Sorry, I screwed it up.

(Me, taking the high road and trying to appease his ego and appeal to him. Me, downplaying my desires and requirements for his comfort. Me, playing into his emotional manipulation ploy.)

J: What's the 1 thing?

Me: I said it in the text. You said you're picky when it comes to a relationship. I took it to heart...and here we are. Reread my last text. :)

(It recently dawned on me that “J” wasn't picky. "J” just wasn't in the mindset of having a relationship with me.)

J: I thought you were talking ab the pleasure part...

Ugh. *eye roll* Ugh. That’s all that was on his brain. Everything he heard had to be in reference to sex. My God. I should've known. But still, I hung on. Thinking he was interested in more than that with me. Or thinking I could turn it around from the direction where it went.

(continued...)

Me: Pleasure?

J: That u just needed a improvement so u feel good.

While that was true, it goes much much deeper than that. For most women, we've gotta feel completely comfortable with ourselves, our partner, and with the situation in order to not only enjoy sex, but...dare I say orgasm. As a woman, I've gotta feel secure and have stability (there's that word again that I totally mentioned in the very beginning) which comes with exclusivity [or monogamy] in a *gasp* relationship. Any guy can sharpen his tactics and skills to try and get a woman off, but if I don't feel emotionally secure with a man and in a relationship with mutual feelings...the Big O just ain't coming. *shrug* "O" well then.

Me: Ohhh are you talking about sex? Improvement there?

J: Ya

J: That's what I figured u were referring to earlier too. But then u shy'd away from it.

(I don't believe I EVER referred to such when I reached out, texting him that night. An instance where communication needs to be direct and face-to-face.)

So I just went with it and explained where there was room for improvement when it came to sex with us two. Since that's all he ever cared about anyhow.

J: Always have more to go tho to keep going.

I really didn't get what he meant. He replied "It wouldn't b over. It would b just#2 coming up." I asked, to clarify, if he meant he would be reaching his climax for a second time in one sitting. He didn't want to be direct with his words and wanted to just forget about it.

J: Don't worry about it. No big deal.

Well, it kinda is. Since we spent a handful of texts getting to the topic he originally thought I was referring to when I wasn't. That was another thing that frikin' frustrated me to no end with "J." He'd brush things off like it wasn't a big deal, when it was. He had a perfunctory and blase' and careless manner about situations where I wanted to talk or discuss and if I didn't get what he was indirectly trying to communicate, he'd push it aside. Avoidance. Nothing gets solved if you brush it under the rug and wait for the dust to settle. Something;s gonna trigger the old feelings until it's properly dealt with.

Me: Why? I was just asking, to make sure I understood what you were talking about. I wanna know. C'mon.

J: Did you want me to stop by ur place on my way back? I can come hang out and chit chat with u before I head home.

Didn't really answer my question. Just deflected by changing the subject. Frustration Nation.

Me: I would LOVE to have you over. Haha. I'd end up walking you someplace else outside though. Since I'm with my family. But yeah.

J: It's too late to be walking around outside aimlessly.

Me: Ok

J: Would you want to meet me at my place?

(Or he could have still come by and picked me up. It was too late to be walking around and talking, being in each other's company that way...but it wasn't to late to come over to his place and be in each other's company...probably in his bed...)

But because I was just grateful that we seemed to be on good terms after the text fight we had and we were talking -- and even though he didn't follow through with yet another date -- and I might've wanted intimacy with the guy I'd started investing my time in, I took the bait again. I was aware the situation was messed up. But we had had a heated exchange of words and I was exhausted with trying to get my point across to him. And though "J" had shown some undesirable traits, that's what I took them for. Qualities of him that I could look past for the time being. I have my negative qualities as well, and when he pointed them out, like me being "argumentative," I took it as him calling me out on stuff that I may need to work on. Back then.

Me: I can. Yeah, I'll come by.

J: Okay. I'll text you once I get back.

So here we were again. Me coming out to his place super late when it was super dark. Only this time, it was worse than before. I had asked if I got his house number correct -- because we all know I can't go anywhere without my GPS -- and he replied "Yeah I believe that's it." Really?! Seriously?! The not so funny thing is I was in the vicinity of his neighborhood and home, but took hours actually finding his place. I was in the mirroring and neighboring subdivision. Same situation. I was frustrated and he was frustrated. Again, for some reason, he thought I was stringing him along with coming over to his place. I should have totally just went home. It was so very not worth it. He was so very not worth it. But at the time, I was fighting for whatever booty-call/sorta-kinda-on-again-off-again-relationship we had. Pitiful.

It was Frustration Nation. It might have been a sign that this was not a good situation and that I should definitely turn back and go home. But I stuck it out. "J" only helped matters by telling me 'how ridiculous [me not being able to get to his house again] was' and how I needed to 'figure it out.' Calling and texting got us nowhere. He gave an excuse how he needed to charge his phone or how something was happening with his phone. I started thinking 'wow, if this guy was the least bit decent, he'd hop into his car and guide me to his place'. Nope. I was in an unfamiliar area, wasting my gas and time, getting all kinds of frustrated, while "J" lounged in the comfort of his home. Doesn't seem balanced or fair. But it was a reality I accepted at the time.

(continued...)

#Tinder #online dating #twentysomething #the guy who has seriously mindfucked me #j #relationships #texting #22 #30 year old men #thirtysomething men #part 14 #Frustration Nation

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Oh Tinder, Where Is This Going? — the guy who has seriously mindfucked me (pt. 13)

Now that I'm continuing recounting/rehashing the past, I am cringing a little. Maybe that's good because I'm more aware and have hindsight. But the story continues...

-----

PLAYBACK to the story.

J: Messed up. Sorry can't text.

I replied how I couldn't come over. For many reasons, like him having to be up in the morning for work. The fact it was night time. The fact I'm terrible with direction and worse with it at night. It wasn't like I'd been to his house tons of time. Only twice with weeks in between. Unless I visit some place often and get the route and exact location down pat in my head, I'll likely get lost every time. He replied "That's fine[.]" So the discussion totally could've ended right there for the night. I mean, our bowling date was on the line. Again. I was risking losing that because he could take it away or not make it happen at any point. Y'know? *sarcasm alert*

I tried lightening the mood by asking if he was sober and if he was asking me over for sex while under the influence of alcohol. He didn't find it very funny or get the humor from my "haha" at the end. He simply replied, "Yes, I'm sober[.]" I still don't have any idea to this day why I sent him the next text I sent. But it bothered him. I texted that I would 'take care of myself' for the night with my "blue friend" and that he should follow in suit to get himself by for the night.

J: Please don't send me a message like that. Just let it go, you're not coming over and that's it. I don't need to hear about these fake things ur doing.

Me: So that's what you care about when it comes down to it. Whether I'm coming over or not -- like you want. That's when I feel pressured. I gave in the last couple of times. Part of me wanted to. But I am not coming over tonight. You have to get up in the morning.

Me: And I'm not lying or making crap up. I have no reason to lie. That's what I'm going to do. What I've been doing for weeks!

Again, I was reference the sporadic sex thing. I did not intend to have a strictly sexual relationship with "J." I never wanted to embark in a "friends-with-benefits" relationship with "J." I never wanted to be the "bootycall." But whatever type of relationship one would get involved in with one they happen to like and have some sort of feelings for, it baffles me to only want to have relations with that person once in a while or once a month or after an extended period of time. We all have sexual needs we'd like fulfilled to get off or get by. I can't even see how once a week suffices, to be honest. But that's just me.

Me: Sorry, I'll let you sleep. You don't want to deal with me right now since I'm not coming over for sex. I don't wanna make you mad or cranky.

J: I know ur not coming over. How do you know that I didn't just want to be cuddling watching TV until we fell asleep? I would've loved that but ur so argumentative and thinking I'm out to get u that it's something I can't begin to understand why u think that way. I'm horn, yes. But I'm also a guy that will treat u right or any lady I'm dating for that matter. I can tell you that the last thing I need in my life is drama. I get enough of that and stress at work.

Well there's the sure-fire way into my panties. And then again pulling the "cuddling" card. He suggesting "cuddling" before. We "cuddled" until he got off and sent me on my way.

Me: You said you wanted to cuddle weeks ago. We did for a bit with the TV. But you got "sleepy" and needed to get to bed. We laid there. It was fine. It turned into sex. You wanted me gone after you got that. I'm just explaining why I'm acting the way you think I am. And you call it drama because you're not getting what you want right this minute. This isn't drama. I don't want drama. That's what you said when you wanted me to leave, you don't want drama. I guess in other words, you don't wanna hear objections and you don't want us going back and forth about it. I can't let you know what's going on in my head without you thinking it's drama? You don't want to get everything out in the open? I hear you, I swear. Just show me. I'm not trying to be argumentative, promise. I'm getting this off my mind.

I went on to explain how we both were horny and attracted to each other and how this conversation would go over smoother when we had clear heads.

J: I understand where you're coming from. Ur obviously frustrated to say the least. I am glad u opened up to say what was on ur mind. Maybe it's best if we go our separate ways. No hard feelings.

Me: No, I'm not frustrated. Oh my God, you did that too. You sent a text a while ago, that we shouldn't see each other, because you said you can't give the time you feel I needed. I just wanted to start over, that's all. I took it that you were done with me. I DON'T want that, Jason. That's why I never said anything before because it's taken wrong and you're probably scared off. I want to be with you. Not just sexually, I mean for real. I'm over casual hookups. And you probably just don't wanna casually hookup with me either. I'm sorry if/that it seems like I'm coming at you. I'm not. Please don't think that way. I won't say anything. You've gotten the point. I still want to see you tomorrow and so on. Really.

J: It just seems like you're getting technical on every little thing. I'm more go with the flow kind of person and whatever happens naturally happens. Again, I don't wanna be with someone who let's their past realationship issues and apply it to future relationships. Sometimes intimacy actually furthers [a couple.]

Okay. Whatever.

Then he went on to say his ex-girlfriend and him were intimate from the first night they met and went on to be together for six years. (Flag: proceed with caution) Um, okay. Six years is quite a while of time invested. Six years could/should have a marriage proposal following soon. But while 'six years' sounded like a valid argument back then, I never knew the details of that past relationship. It could've been an on-again-off-again type thing that he now refers to as a relationship of six years to sound good to the girl that he's trying to sleep with. But I didn't think this over a few months ago, so...

Me: Alright. I was going off of what happened between us since we first started talking. That's all I have to go on. I just wanted to prevent what happened before frm happening again. I appologize. I don't have baggage. It's a personality thing. Sorry. :-( :-!

This texting convo/argument/heated discussion went on until around 3:30 the next morning. So the bowling date didn't happen. Again. I reached out the next night around 8 o'clock.

Me: Hey, whatcha up to?

Over an hour later...

Me: I'm sorry about what happened last night, or in the way early hours this morning.

Close to 11 o'clock that night...

J: Okay thanks.

Me: Are you okay?

J: Yes

J: I appreciate the apology but I just don't know what to think anymore when it comes to u.

Me: Are you busy tonight?

(I wanted to meet somewhere and talk, even it was at his place. I just wanted to talk in person)

J: I am busy right at this moment. Why do you ask?

Me: I wanted to ask about your headspace. And not communicate by text. I won't say anything.

J: I'm not following... what is headspace?

Me: Oh I just meant if you could explain why you don't know what to think when it comes to me. Like what's in your head. Preferably not by text. That's all!

J: Okay I thought I was with ya on the text I just wasn't sure but now u got me lost again. I thought u were on to something in that text but it sounds like I was totally off on it.

Me: Which text? Now i'm a tad bit lost. This why I don't like texting for stuff like this, haha.

J: This text: I wanted to ask about your headspace. And not communicate by text. I won't say anything.

J: Were you not talking ab what I think?

(I had no idea what "he thought" or what he was thinking, but apparently, it wasn't what I was talking about. Jeez, even typing this and rereading is bringing back the frustration and stress and anxiety "J's" manipulative ways stirred in me.)

(continued...)

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20-something-love-life · 9 years

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Intermission- Happy New Year, All!

Happy belated New Year! So sorry I haven't updated this blog. It's been quite a while. And quite a bit has happened. I've entered my third (or fourth, technically) year of my twenties and I've officially -- and finaaallyy -- closed the chapter in my life that I'd been rehashing here, that is "J." Which could very well be for 'jerk', or 'joker', or any number of words beginning with the letter.

So I wanna thank all of you who have been reading along. I hope you've been entertained. I'm too young to be jaded and bitter about anything so it's all in a humorous tone on purpose. I try to find the humor in life and in situations. Especially since I'm being self-deprecating. Lol.

So I've definitely got more parts to this chapter of my life. Unfortunately, it even spilled over into my new year. But that's okay because once I write this out -- even as I write this very post -- I'm free and unattached and looking to the future. I've got some good things going for me. Being single isn't the worst thing in the world. This is the time of life (our twenties!) to make mistakes, figure things out, learn from what happens, and move on making better decisions because there's still time to live life!

I will return with another part. And more. Thanks for reading and checking out my blog!

#New Year #twentysomething #love life #New Year's #2014 #2015 #single #dating

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20-something-love-life · 9 years

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Oh wow, if this isn't "J"...

#J #Aries #exes

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20-something-love-life · 9 years

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Oh Tinder, Where Is This Going? — the guy who has seriously mindfucked me (pt. 12)

Since "J" and I matched up again on Tinder -- odd -- it told me he was back on the app "looking to spend time with someone." <--(direct words from his profile) Yet, he swiped and I swiped and we matched. Why do that? It let me see whenever the last time he'd been on again, [which was totally okay with me] but I liked the idea of him not being on Tinder because I just figured he was into me. Admittedly, I never deleted my account, but it also wasn't as active. So I didn't kill the guy for getting back on the app, that would've been hypocritical of me. And I detest hypocrites. Detest them. *ahem* So I didn't take his reopening-of-his-account-on-Tinder as an obvious sign of he's-just-not-that-into-you. Especially when he came across my profile and swiped right.

I swiped right just to see if he had done the same (and I'll admit, I was kinda-sorta relieved but still wondering what his angle was). Had "J" done the same for the same reason? Do guys over-think that unnecessarily deep like women? But that doesn't make sense, because he'd just re-opened an account and started swiping on women. "J's" not dumb or dense, at least I don't think. Because he appears to be a master mind-fuck and psychological manipulator. I wasn't sure about what this was with "J," so I had kept my account open in hopes I wouldn't want/need to peruse and use it again. But "J" activated his again. I reached out to him that very same night we matched again, by text.

Me: Hey you, are you off to sleep?

(Translation: Hey you! I just saw that we matched up on Tinder again and I know you got the notification too since we're all glued to our phones and you were on there for a reason. Why not call or text me instead?)

J: Hey, Not yet but getting close. U?

(Notice he's texting in mixed case, using capitals where they should be and stuff like that? Y'know, showing some interest or effort, which is what I perceive from good grammar in texting from anyone...they care...about something.)

Me: Same. Just thought about you for a moment. But I'll let you go to sleep.

J: That must have been a 2 second moment.

Me: 2 seconds is good enough for you. JK.

J:Tell the truth...

Me: Okay, you crossed my mind for a good 5 minutes.

J: You cross my mind quite a bit actually but I'm nervous to ever ask you over bc u will get mad at me.

(Back then, this coaxed him into my good graces again. Him being honest and sharing his feelings with me. Made me flutter. Maybe even got me warm and cozy in certain places below. But at present, it appears to be just bullshit. As it was just bullshit. I figure.)

Me: Would you be up for coming to my neck of the woods sometime soon? Meeting me at a park or wherever?

J: Yeah

Me: I'd like to see you. And I do miss you.

(Me, breaking, giving in, and crumbing at the thought of him. Again. I felt I could admit to actually missing him in his entirety since he first admitted to missing me...even if he just meant missing my body and ladybox)

J: Just let me know where. Obviously I can't tonight but I have no problem going somewhere else. I miss you too. I'm just going to be bluntly honest if that's cool, I would like for you to come over tonight? U can give ur 20inch blue and/or red guy a break tonight. What do u say?

(Now, he "obviously" couldn't come to my side of town or come spend time with me that night. I'm not sure I received the implication from "obviously" on his end. But strangely enough, he wanted me to come to him. If it was an issue of timing, why wait until super late at night. If it was a matter of having to get to work in the morning, why try to get me over there at all on a weeknight? What if I had to get to work in the morning as well? What if I had an appointment or somewhere to be in the morning? Mind you, this text convo was going on past midnight. Seems a bit one-sided AND selfish AND hypocritical.)

His text: He was blatantly asking me to make the 20-minute drive over to his place and hop into his bed to offer up my ladybox to him that he verbally admitted his love for, albeit in the midst of our trip to 'poundtown' one time before.

This led to a texting argument/fight between us. Contradiction Diction. Frustration Nation.

So he said he was for coming to see me and in the same breath said he couldn't that night, but let him know the time and place in the future. He knew I lived at home with my family. He wanted sex. That would not happen at my home. It was a 'must' that he got me over to his place instead. It clicked in my head.

J: I was thinking we could go bowling tomorrow night if ur available?

Ten minutes after sending his booty-call text. Was this his way of getting me to come over? By bribing me with plans of a date that could very well not even happen? Manipulation ploy?

J: I'll take your no responses as a no on both questions.

(A minute later when I didn't respond quickly enough. Seems manipulative to me now. He knew I wanted to go out with him. He knew I wanted to actually go on dates with him. Especially when I outright said, "When are we going out?" Even though this was the last time we'd seen each other before this point and...I may have been sitting on top of him. Details, details, but the point was clear nonetheless.)

Me: Good. Be very honest. I want that. I'll be too: I know you want sex. I do too, with you. You must really want me in your bed now. For only a bit. I want you in mine. You can guess what I've been doing instead. But I don't want to be fucked, you get off, and send me on my way. I don't wanna jump when you say jump. If I didn't like you and didn't want you for my bf, it wouldn't make a diff. But it does. Somehow, you've gotten to know me enough to already know what I'm thinking. So I'd just like the action. I feel like I've proven things to you. Now I'm waiting on you. There's my honesty. I'm not mad. That's why I don't prefer texting.

(I was processing his texts and responding in my own time to them. So this was me combining my responses in one text to his previous ones sent that night)

Me: I'm available for you. We've made plans before and nothing happened. But you got the sex, so. Of course I would like to go bowling. I would love to go out. Y'know, with you. Hint hint.

(WRONG! Should not have given over my power like that. Might have admitted a tad too much. He didn't deserve that truth. Because he'd likely abuse it and use it as ammo for his manipulation ploy gun and add it to his bag of tricks to use later in some kind of hypocritical-mind-fuck type way. Darn it!)

J: I'm completely lost

(Doubt it. Lost on what?)

Me: What are you lost on?

Me: Just tell me what lost you. And I'll explain as best as I can by text.

J: I swear if u would just let things flow and not compare/contrast to ur previous experiences and letting that affect u. I think we may have something. Even though, u think I'm like all of the others, I'm not. At the same time, helping us together helps at least for me. I'm a very considerate person. Sometimes I just love to be spontaneous in a sexy way without a bunch of distractions. Would you be up for it? I'd make this bsd thunder stroms

(Wow. That is all.)

Me: I get what you're saying. But they're words. No offense, you've said you're considerate and nice and stuff but I haven't really seen it like that. Especially after what happened the last time you invited me over -- strictly for sex it turned out. Remember back when I told you I want stability? You said you could give that. And speaking of sex, that seems one-sided. I guess another convo about that is needed, turn-ons and dealbreakers and stuff. What did you mean at the end of your message?

Me: Suddenly asking to come over to fuck is not exactly spontaneous to me. Spontaneous is anything different and unexpected, but mutually fun and pleasing. That's my spontaneous. Here's a smiley so it doesn't come off the wrong way. :-* Not my intent. But that's texting for ya.

J: I'm not sure where my last sentence came from. Lol. You lost me when I u mentioned ab jumping when I say jump. Please get rid of that mindset. I just have important work to do and can't afford to be an idiot and not get any sleep although I wouldn't mind with you here. Make sense? This is not a competition. I just would like to be with you and it's that simple. It's almost as if u want to turn me off. I'll quit bothering u. I'll leave by saying, I LIKE you and want u to come over but if u don't I understand. Good night.

("J," trying to end the discussion and leave things on a neutral note. "J," trying to finalize it and leave it be...or leave me be for the night to simmer. Yet, a couple minutes later...)

J: was drunk as crap last time. I'll please u. I do realize that u didn't get the way u like.

(I didn't respond right off. Was processing. Was kinda disgusted and annoyed, let along angered.)

J: [my name],its late babe. I didn't realize u felt like u do. I can see why you don't want to come over now. I really was excited too.

(I should not have entertained this. I should've not responded and left it at that. He propositioned going out to bowl the next night.)

Me: I'm not trying to turn you off. I like you too. I've come over and had to leave. I just don't understand that if you need to sleep so you can get up for work, why you'd want me to up and come over. That's what I mean by jumping when you say jump. Late at night. And then sending me off half an hour later so you get whatever hours of sleep there is left to so you can get up. It's what truly happens/has happened. Not a mindset. And I'm thinking you mean be with me in general, but you possibly mean be with me sexually. It's best when we're not both horny and are completely sober. And not talk this stuff out by text.

(I sent a string of back-to-back texts in response. This wasn't over to me. I wanted him to know where I was coming from so we wouldn't be having the same argument and disagreement over again.)

(So after telling him how fast he texts and how he moves on to the next point while I try to get mine across in chronological order to his texts sent...)

Me: You know waaaay more than I think you do. You are aware. Just let me see some action in the future.

(And he did. I feel a lot of men do know things. They hear what is said and can even come to an inference from behavior, passive-aggressive hints dropped, words said, and what-have-you. Maybe some just like to play-dumb. I believe men [and people in general] pay attention to what they want to.)

J: If u came over tonight, u could spend the night over obviously. I'd love to sleep with you.

(See now it was "obvious" that I could stay the night. Our communication was so outstanding, that it should have been understood that was a given. So "obviously" he made it clear by stating the "obvious" obvious. *phew* I was ever so gracious, "J." Thank God he gave me permission to do so. In order just to sway me.)

Me: If you're serious about going bowling Friday night, I really want to. I just want to go out with you. We made a similar plan before. I hope it actually happens.

J: Yeah I'm serious. Remember we didn't sleep at all which must up my whole sleep schedule for the next upcoming days.

Choo-Choo! The Excuse Train comes rolling in. All aboard! Because you know I was. Boy, I guess I had one foot on the train and one foot off. Either way, I was on that "J" track for a while.

It's not over yet, folks. A bunch of lessons were coming up. And I was about to delve into trying to figure out the mind of a guy. Trying to understand "J's" tactics and behavior. Trying to figure myself out when it came to this guy.

(continued...)

#Tinder #online dating #dating app #J #the guy who has seriously mindfucked me #sex #hooking up #thirtysomething men #twentysomething #22 #sexual relationship #men #women #30 year old man #part 12 #dating

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20-something-love-life · 10 years

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Oh Tinder, Where Is This Going? — the guy who has seriously mindfucked me (pt. 11)

June had come, the summer season was in full swing, and "J" and I hadn't communicated for weeks...about a month, even. I went on with my life and tried getting ready for the fast-approaching and looming "adult-hood" now that I was out of school and would have adult-like responsibilities and be actually held accountable for those adult-like responsibilities, like finding a job, finding a home eventually, repaying loans...

I hate to admit it, but "J" was still on my mind. *bleep* Since we were just "friends" -- in my head, at least, per my request in response to his "quasi-breakup-esque text he sent a while back -- I sent a text just checking in one afternoon. I figured enough time had gone by to reach out. Hours later around 8 o'clock, he replied: "Thanks it has been a good season so far. how about yourself?" So we texted back and forth about work. And there I was getting giddy like a school girl or something. Jeez.

I had a great job opportunity I was interviewing for (and pretty much knew I already had it in the bag), and I wanted to tell him all about it. *ahem* As a friend. Because you tell your friends these things. Right? I was in good spirits. I was taking steps towards job and career opportunities and I was talking to the guy I liked and "still" wanted to have a relationship with. (Which was totally crazy after the way he treated me...but sometimes people deserved another chance to turn things around?? Huh? Maybe?) He asked about if I had to work the next day, I ended up divulging my work schedule. I guess, sort of in a "so if you want to get together with me and go out, here are the days I'm free -- hint-hint...take-the-bait" kind of way. Totally not pitiful. I know.

I changed the subject to TV -- my frikin' PASSION! An awards show, "Guys' Choice" was on Spike and I told him about it, thinking it would interest him. But it wasn't his cup of tea. We ended up talking about some comedians we liked and other humorous topics like the ComedyCentral Roasts shows, which we both liked. I liked them every now and then, and he watched, like, every single one of them. The texting convo went up until midnight, when I drifted off to sleep. It was frikin' late.

J: do you ever watch comedy central celebrity roasts? those are the funniest shows ever! he did one on Seth Rogan and was hilarious. he's so far out there and ridiculous that it's funny. I've missed you coming around.

J: u asleep?

So the next morning, I responded to his texts.

Me: Yeah I watch those comedy central roasts. They are vulgar, and crazy, but HILARIOUS. I didn't catch Seth Rogan's. I bet it was good, haha. Yes, I fell asleep. Same here, buddy. :)

He got back to me that night...as usual. I love pop culture, pop trivia, television, music, and movies, so since we were talking about celebrities, I was on board. I brought up a show we both liked again, keeping the conversation going. Talking about a couple of our fave TV shows and some cast members from those shows interested both of us and seemed to excite him again about getting me -- into his bed.

J: Zach would tear CT up. it's funny to see those episodes where ct bullies everyone to now that there is someone his own size there how he bends over and takes it from Zach. can we say Karma!

J: would u be up for coming over later tonight or tomorrow?

Me: Hahaha eww. I think CT has come a long way.

Me: Uh-uh...we're friends. Right?

J: yeah it's okay don't worry ab it. sorry I asked. u never know what could eventually come of something but I don't want to feel pressured right now so I guess we will just let it go.

J: yeah CT has grown up a lot. I have a feeling he's going to regret letting Diem go though. he won't ever get a better girl than her.I think he knows that too deep down inside.

Me: It's about priorities.

(Boom. Bingo.)

Me: Ha! I agree about CT and Diem. And that's how it usually goes. Yep.

J: yeah I would agree most of the time ab priorities but that doesn't always fit the bill in different situations. ur not the only one I wish I could see and talk to more or spend more time with. I'm not able to go see my family near as much either right now. they are frustrated but after I showed them my workload in our internal system while on memorial vacation, they finally seemed to get it. I'm doing the job of ab 4 people and I bring in more revenue for our branch daily than the next 5 highest rev generators in office combined. it was really telling while I was out, they had to have a whole group of guys chip in to.help ony accounts while I was out.

[on my end...*crickets*...]

(Didn't respond fast enough for him...13 minutes later...)

J: if I know u, u are probably in deep thought trying to figure out what u want ur response to be, correct? haha

Me: Yes, I am in very deep thought. I have to process things. Alright, you think you know me, oh whatever hahaha

(That and I was playing the world's smallest violin for "J." Crap like that from him annoyed me to no end. And then with that explanation text he sent, he divulged he'd gone out of town with family. I'm not saying here that I should know of his whereabouts and whatnot...especially since we were "off" or whatever. But wow, that would've been nice to know...)

J: ok good night

Me: Good night

Instead of bringing on another heated discussion or an argument, I left it at that. Wasn't he the one that wanted to end things with me? Why be all for "missing me coming around" and wanting me over? Confused. Even for sex, wouldn't a person want that more than just once a month? More than just sporadically? Why bother with the person you want sporadic sex from to begin with??

The next night, which happened to be Friday the 13th after 10 o'clock (I kid you not). "J" texted me first.

J: r u going out tonight

Me: Haha no I didn't plan on it. Going out drinking and blowing off steam?

I figured "J" was out with friends having a beer or two or three or more. And that's totally fine. For him. I'm just not one for going out and painting the town red every weeknight or every Friday night or even every Saturday night. Once in a while...preferably planned ahead of time or scheduled into my super not-so-busy life, sure. But as for having that be a regular thing? No thank you. I'm more than content by recharging and winding down after the work-week with minimal company and noise. I believe it's coined as being introverted. That's me. So be it.

J: what are you going to do then?

Me: Why do you ask? What are you doing, or want to do? Or what did you plan on doing? Sorry for all the questions, caught me off guard a bit.

Actually, I hate when people pry or probe or impose their will on me or force me to do something or go somewhere I have no desire for. I felt like that was starting to happen. Hence my questions in return.

J: no worries, I was just wondering what u were doing since ur not going out anywhere. it's Friday so I thought you may be doing something fun.

As condescending and patronizing (and maybe manipulative) as he may not have meant this to be... *cough* It totally could be taken that way. *eye roll* This also may have been a classic case of not understanding or being aware of the other person's personality or behavior...or be accepting of differences as individuals. Just accepting people for who they are. Period.

J: I'm hanging with some friends, probably go out for a bit. If u feel up for meeting us out or just hanging with me when I get back then just let me know.

(A very passive attempt at inviting me out and to "hang out" with him.)

Me: Only occassionally I go out. My friends and I all have different stuff going on. Are you guys at a bar?

(Me, attempting to explain myself. When I shouldn't have felt the need to. Also, me, possibly considering meeting him and his friends where they were hanging out.)

J: I gotcha do you drink at all? u always seem sober.it's not a bad thing just curious.yea we're doing som drinking tonigt.r u gone to sleep shortly?I wanted to see u,to ans ur quest earlier but I know u don't want to unless it's during the afternoon.If ur getting to sleep, then I'll quit bothering u tonite.sorry ab that.

(I must have fallen asleep. I ended up texting him the next day in the afternoon.)

Me: Hey, I hope you had fun last night. Eat greasy food and drink lots of water today! I drink infrequently. Plus I have wine and all that stuff where I work.

Didn't hear back from him. This is when things took another turn. Up until this moment, "J" had always replied to my text messages -- even if it was hours later. The next day, Sunday, I sent another text in the afternoon.

Me: You must have had quite a hangover.

J: Nope

He responded back in apt time...that wasn't the evening or late night. I asked if he sent his dad a father's day card, going off of what he did for Mother's Day. Just wanted to get a conversation going. Nothing. Nada. He didn't respond. So looking back on this, it was pretty rude. Wouldn't you say? I now view blatantly not responding to someone's text message or not responding to them in some form of communication as rude and disrespectful. Especially when a question or statement has been posed that calls for an answer or reply. Anyone, friends, romantic interests, colleagues. I may even be guilty of doing it, but I try and catch myself and compensate or correct my wrongdoing. But that's just my little ol' view on it.

I don't know if he was ticked off that I didn't want to come out and drink or come over and see him or that I legitimately fell asleep since we were texting so. Damn. Late. At. Night... I haven't a clue and have stopped obsessing so much about it at this point, currently. Ignoring someone to get your way or punish someone is just not the way to go about things. It's an unhealthy sign of "communication" and a sign leading towards an unhealthy relationship. It's passive-aggressive. Not cool. Borderline manipulative. Not cool.

So I didn't bother him for a few days. I perused Tinder, partly out of boredom and partly looking for other dating prospects. I don't and didn't message guys past evening time (for obvious reasons...it's like a universal code for booty call or late-night action, it seems...) when I matched up with them, but I did find myself swiping on the app after settling in at night at the end of my day. "J" had disappeared from my matches and altogether on Tinder sometime back in May.

I was perusing the app even then. But one night in June, "J" and I matched up again; "It's A Match!" Weird. Very weird. Huh? WTF? I came across his profile and swiped right. I thought, 'Well didn't he delete his account'? And then I thought 'Why did we match again? Why did he swipe right? Why did I swipe right? Weren't we already talking and 'seeing each other'?

(continued...)

#Tinder #dating app #online dating #relationships #hooking up #the guy who has seriously mindfucked me #J #fling #sex #sexual relationship #part 11 #June #summer fling #summer #manipulation #unhealthy relationship

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20-something-love-life · 10 years

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Oh Tinder, Where Is This Going? -- the guy who has seriously mindfucked me (pt. 10)

"J" could even tell I wasn't completely comfortable. I tried faking the funk, which should have been some kind of indication to me: my body telling me how I really felt around "J." He asked me if I watched football or any other sports, while he did whatever he was doing back there back then in another part of the house. Um, no, not really. He came back to his living room from wherever he had gone shortly after letting me in. He sat close to me. Showed me a football in a clear box that had been signed by the coach of the big university he went to -- where football is a big frikin' deal because the school had one of the best football teams in all of college football. He tested my knowledge, which any other time, I'm all for trivia and that kind of stuff. But in that case, I was more annoyed than anything because I didn't know hardly anything about what he was asking and not to be completely heartless, but I didn't care...

I joked and teased and spout my usual sarcasm (that may either be a defense/coping mechanism or may just be me). He joked and teased as well. Maybe we got each other's humor. It was always joking and teasing and biting comments. At least we were on the same page about understanding each other's joking and teasing sometimes. That's also how we communicated. And I started picking up that's really how he mostly communicated with me and I just gave it back to him, which he probably liked. The topic of Mother's Day briefly came up and he said he'd send his mom a card when I asked. I joked how thoughtful a card was and he playfully teased back. He stretched out and laid on the couch near me and pulled me onto him or up against him.

If I didn't feel like my body and warmth being against his would turn him on and have him want to rip my clothes off, I'd have no issues with cuddling up beside him on the couch. But I did feel as such, which is why I was stiff and unyielding at first, which caused him to make a comment that basically told me I could relax and didn't have to have my arms however awkwardly I had them...in order not to touch him. So we cuddled up on the couch, we talked about the show, The Challenge, and I joked about what sports channel he was watching. At some point a little later, he brought up how tired he was again, as on the phone earlier. And how sleepy he was and how he had to get up in the morning. In other words, I figured he was saying, 'ready to come to bed with me now?' And to bed with him, I went. Literally.

I snuggled under the covers and popped out my contact lens as if I was actually preparing to fall asleep with "J." Because that's what I expected. That was what I meant by sleeping with him. But..."J" thought otherwise. Instead of rolling over to fall asleep -- y'know, since he was oh-so-very sleepy all this time -- his hands roamed about my body. Hm, a little massage before drifting off to sleep was nice. Psh. Psh, again. Next thing I knew, "J" was taking off his t-shirt, and pushing all other articles of clothing off. 'Getting comfortable'. And then, there went my t-shirt -- per his suggestion. Not long after more feeling-me-up, off came my shorts and everything else -- per his suggestion.

If I wasn't physically attracted to "J" as well, I'd probably be strong enough to leave (or never would've made it to his bed to begin with). "J" reached into the pocket of his pants and took out a condom. A condom he had to have gotten from his house-mate's room before we made it to the bed. A condom he had to have gotten while I sat on the couch. It all makes sense now. It made sense then. I made a comment about how he expected us to have sex when I came over and how he planned this. Yet, I went through with it. Or perhaps the condom just happened to randomly be in his pants pocket, just in case. Y'know. Something may have happened.

"J" scooted over towards the middle of the bed and pulled me onto him. Yep. There we were again. Getting it on his bed. The big difference this time is that it was a lot better than before. We were both into it. I don't know if seeing my zebra-print bra enticed him more for this second round with us or not, since he happily commented on it. "You weren't supposed to see this yet," I admitted. Maybe somewhere later down the road, I was thinking. "J" wanted me to take the reigns. The first time we had sex, he asked something about me not making the first moves or something. His passive way of saying he wanted me to come out of my shell on the very first time meeting him in person/sleeping with him. And I made a comment about him probably being more dominant in the bedroom (I mean it was in his astrological nature, as an Aries). Understandably, he wanted a proactive partner. And I certainly had no qualms about that. Just didn't feel entirely comfortable the first time when having sex with him, which wasn't the best anyway. Our second time around proved to be much better. At first. I was thisclose to getting over the edge of the cliff with "J."

Until he 'politely' shoved me off top of him when he started coming. Oh, you better believe I was fuming on the inside. "What?" he asked. He started talking about how basically it was safer throwing me off once he ejaculated even while he had on a condom because shit can still happen. Not in those exact words, but the point came across loud and clear. I was lost in a state of processing what had just happened and trying to find my words. My face probably said most of what I wanted anyway. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe him. It was a total 'shaking-my-head' moment and even called for a pitiful chuckle. If I knew any better, I'd say that was very selfish of "J." You know how we girls sometimes go along with whatever the guy is saying and his explanation because we're reacting in the present and don't have time to ruminate and reflect on the situation until later after the fact? Yeahhhh.

Back up a bit: So because I was soclose to getting there, myself (this time around), I might've released some female-oriented liquid that he had to sleep on or around that night. I don't feel bad. Though I was confused and taken aback back then as I dabbed his sheets with paper towels and wiped myself off with them. Per his request. "What's that?" he asked, pointing and noticing his bed. Ugh. After he disappeared and reappeared, he asked if I needed to shower. For some reason, I shook my head. He said he was going to. A feeling came over me that made me sense I was unwanted at that moment. I had put on my t-shirt and sat on his bed. After he disappeared and reappeared again, fumbling with stuff and not really making eye-contact, he preempted what he wanted to say by saying "I don't want any drama..." Okay... Didn't know why he said that. Color me confused. He then said how he couldn't sleep...with me there. Wh-whoa. I didn't know I had such an impact on his sleeping. And I totally did not get what was going on. It would be much, much later with time, that I realized what happened that night.

He asked me something. I replied that I wasn't doing "this" again. I wasn't coming over late at night for strictly sex again so he could get what he wanted and sent me on my way. He knew this looked bad. He knew the situation was messed up. So he said we'd go out the next day, go bowling together and just go to our separate homes afterwards. Sure. I wouldn't have gotten mad at him (because of my naivety and belief in the good in people), but with his preemptive "I don't want any drama" and then him repeating it after he said what he needed, I felt I should be mad. Then I actually got mad. He was the one who called me over to fall asleep together, at least that's what I gathered since he said "cuddling" and "sleeping" over the phone. To get me over there and get inside me solely on a physical level (I get it now).

I think what upset me initially was the fact that he said one thing and it turned out to be another. I felt confused because it seemed like he changed his mind on me (though I know now that wasn't the case, he had an agenda all along). I threw on my clothes and stormed out past him, headed to his living room. He called my name a couple of times, but that was it. I put on my sandals and left. He wanted me gone, so I left. I was also mad because I felt he didn't want to hear whatever I had to say because he "didn't want any drama" and had to get up in the morning. Kinda like a way to shut me down. And because I kept those feelings bottled up instead of being able to confront him about it, they would trickle out over the course of our "casual relationship/hooking up" or whatever it was. I'd have animosity (and maybe resentment) built up towards him from there on out.

I sat in my car. Thinking about leaving. Thinking about if he'd come after me. Thinking about getting up on time to take my mother to the spa for Mother's Day. And you know what I did? I went back inside. I knocked on his door and he let me in. I didn't want him thinking I was this super angry woman he didn't want to put up with anymore. I didn't want him thinking I was "drama." I wanted to leave on a more peaceful note. And I told him that. When the next evening came, I didn't hear from him. And being stubborn and going with the proverbial "dating game of who contacts who first," I didn't reach out to him either. I was upset. And annoyed. What happened between "J" and I wasn't cool at all. What he did wasn't cool. What he did made him out to be the asshole he probably was all along. Somewhere he thought it was okay to do that and got away with it. I probably excused that behavior of his. IT was disrespectful, offensive, mean, and should have been the final straw for me. Because he was showing his true colors underneath the "nice guy" facade. But I paid more attention to his words and hung on those instead of letting his actions speak volumes and heeding to that.

And I justified our bowling-date-that-didn't-happen with him being scared off and not wanting to pursue dating me after all. I know. I know. I reached out the next following day with a text attempting to smooth things over because at the time, I felt like I was the one who needed to do that. Since I let him see me all angered (partially though) and seemed uptight and instead of "going with the flow and being easygoing." *eye roll* He sent a sorta quasi-breakup text saying how he didn't think he could give me "the time I deservedly needed in a relationship" blah blah blah. Whatever. A trend I'd come to see with him later. I replied that I hope we could be friends because I did like talking to him about stuff and laughing. I was starting to open myself up to this guy and starting to let him in a bit. So I didn't want to lose whatever connection I thought I'd made with "J."

So in keeping my end of the text-discussion and following through on what I said and wanted, I texted to see how his Saturday was going some time later in May, while I was at work and bored...and thinking about him. He replied later with a one-worded, lower-case, simplistic "good[.]" I left it at that and didn't bother texting or contacting him anymore after that. For only a little while though....

I wasn't fed-up enough yet. I hadn't had enough yet. I hadn't had it up to over my head with "J" yet. My mind (and feelings) wasn't fucked up enough yet.

(continued...)

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20-something-love-life · 10 years

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Oh Tinder, Where Is This Going? -- the guy who has seriously mindfucked me (pt. 9)

Mind you, I was upset because the date did not end up happening. I felt he purposely waited until really late at night to reach out to me. He had all day to catch up on sleep or work with getting his sleep pattern on schedule. He probably didn't intend to follow through with the date because if so, there's this thing called "re-scheduling."

The next day was a Sunday, the date could have been postponed to then (I seriously doubt he goes to church, but even then, we could've planned for afterwards). Along with being upset, I was sore all over. I mean, my whole body ached...not just my ladybox. I have some theories for this: I just wasn't into the sex after a while, it felt like a chore to get through, I was turned off by any number of things he said and did (or *ahem* didn't do).

The Saturday of my graduation, since he texted [much later that night], I thought it'd be polite (at the time) to respond instead of ignoring him like I wanted to teach a lesson. I asked if he got some sleep. Though I was certain he did. It was past midnight. He didn't have anything to do that Saturday as far as I knew. He surely didn't do anything like take some awesome girl out on a date...well, not me.

J: good deal. I'm surprised ur not tired. yeah I slept most of day but I'm still tired though. I'm actually going to sleep now.

Me: I am. Haven't slept. Sore all over. So I'm doing the same.

(when texts are short and to the point like this, isn't that kinda telling?)

J: goodnight

(Not that he cared about me being sore or why...)

And that was the end of Saturday. The day we -- or I -- had planned for a first date.

The next day, Sunday, I sent a text later in the morning asking what he had going on for the day. A couple of hours later around 2 in the afternoon, he replied there wasn't much to do since we had a weather warning about a storm coming through.

J: [...] I have some work to get done anyways so I'll probably just do that so I'll feel more caught up going into work tomorrow. what are you doing?

I had gone shopping, so the weather was probably fine that Sunday and didn't get bad until much later. If it got bad anyway. I just replied how much I hate the Spring weather because it's very unpredictable in the South. If you happen to be fluent in Girl-brain, I was really saying I hate that this weather can be used as an excuse for not going out on this day. I even used "HATE" in all caps in my text. Later that Sunday night:

J: did u have a good day?

(Seriously?)

Me: Uneventful, but restful. Got your work done?

(I think I might've picked up back then on how he'd passively reach out after hours if we planned for something or could have made time to hang out earlier that day. That way, time has already passed. So what can you do about it? And someone can easily be away from their phone or happen to not see a text until much later. Or 'get around' to answering the text when they feel like it. it's not hard to pick up on someone's frustration or annoyance through text when you're the guilty party, hence...)

J: no I'm pissed too. I spent hrs trying to install our system and nothing would work I had a lot to do too.

Me: Sucks. Does that put you behind for tomorrow?

(Short message = annoyance, frustrated, don't care, etc.)

J: yeah big time. the biggest problem is I walk into work and before I can even sit down I have people in line to ask questions. I'm going to have to start putting my foot down and tell them to email me and go away.

Me: Email you and go away. Harsh, [J] Harsh. Haha

(me, lightening up a bit.)

J: haha. it's got to be done with a few people who can't operate without being babysat.

J: how late are you staying up tonight?

Me: I'm just laying in bed right now, listening to music.

J: gotcha. alright, I'm about to go to sleep myself.

Sounded like he cared a bunch, right? So, I think we texted some more afterwards. No sign or mention of rescheduling or planning another proper date. Since I was done with classes and kept my same schedule with my part-time job, I had more free time on my hands. Of course I wanted to see "J" and spend some time with him. I mean, I could do so now that I could focus on being with someone and not have to prioritize or balance too much (or sacrifice my education/grades/tuition).

So when he invited me to come over to his place after hours one Friday night in May (before Mother's Day), I jumped at the request opportunity to see him. I said 'sure, I'll come over and fall asleep with you, sleep with you." Because when you like someone, just being next to them is awesome enough. "J" then said that's why he didn't like bringing it up because I'd think it was a booty call and it's not. But it was always late at night and coming over to his house to...bake cookies with him? As opposed to going out and doing an activity together.

"J" did mention how he didn't plan on staying up late and that he'd be going to sleep sometime after we finished talking. Yet, he still wanted me to come over. What for, then? It was super later. He got me to come over under the guise of cuddling and watching TV on his couch. Which sounded nice at the time to naive not-so-little me. I'm all for staying in, when it counts and under certain circumstances -- like already being in an established relationship. But uh...yeah. I still had trouble finding his place. He called and texted making sure I was coming to his place. Nothing new there. Same difficult task of finding his actual home among the rest.

He let me in and I sat went to sit on his couch, Indian-style, His big-screen TV had one of the ESPNs on, watching the football draft or something. Again, I showed up in what I'd wear around the house or even to bed because of the time of night. Shorts and a t-shirt. And because I wanted to have that level of comfort with "J." Where I could show up in sweats and we're okay with each other. But we weren't there.

That point in a relationship had to be earned and usually takes a little time to get there. But I wasn't completely comfortable sitting still on his couch, anticipating his return. Because I had an idea what he wanted from me and why he invited me over. Yet, I was also thinking maybe things were getting expedited since I made it clear to him that I actually wanted a relationship and I was still hung up on his word about "being in it for the long haul."

(continued...)

#Tinder #dating app #online dating #twentysomething #older men #J #the guy who has seriously mindfucked me #part 9 #2014 #relationships #hooking up #texting #cuddling #sex #sleeping together #April #May #thirtysomething #thirtysomething men

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20-something-love-life · 10 years

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Oh Tinder, Where Is This Going? -- the guy who has seriously mindfucked me (pt. 8)

Okay. I got it. I knew exactly what he was saying. But I asked what he meant by that. He didn't want to repeat himself or elaborate. It was as though I was forcing it out of him and he didn't want to go there...or down...on me. He knew it sounded wrong. He knew what I'd think and what I'd feel like and would probably do. It seems like the common and expected/accepted/natural thing for the woman to perform on the man in this culture. But not so much the other way around. That's some straight-up craziness. A load of bull. Which is likely why I think of a man as a frikin' god if performing oral on a woman is part of his sexual repertoire -- and even more so if he loves it (which you can tell because it yields fantastic, great results). I really don't get it. Why wouldn't a guy want to -- and will do -- if he expects the same from a girl? Makes no sense to me at all. "I don't feel like it/want to do that right now." So yah... "J" lost mad cool points with me. Needless to say, I stopped what I had been doing and he continued with acquainting his finger with me. Have at it, bro.

Now, we got on for a couple hours. Ideally, that's amazing and clearly means good things since most intimate people/pairs and couples would want their sexual sessions to last for enjoyment. But this wasn't so much the case with "J" and I. Later, I'd learn it felt like forever to him. Did seem long, I admit. And my head wasn't completely in it. I was thinking about the time and kept checking the clock. I needed to be sleeping and mentally preparing to graduate in hours. Sex is very much mental. If I'm not feeling it in my head, then I'm not feeling it down there. And that's not a good day. When it comes to romance and intent on having a relationship, sex isn't a goal about reaching orgasm to me or just going through with the motions of the act. The peak comes along with it naturally from the intimacy and mental intoxication -- to me. But that night/day with "J" and I just seemed like a marathon to finish for the both of us. He was trying to get there and so was I. Maybe his head wasn't into it either like he thought. He had to have been tired as well from being up all day. I think he'd started losing his hard-on.

He seemed adamant about following through with sex regardless. And I could tell he probably was embarrassed about getting a little soft, because he seemed irritated and came off a touch demanding, which wasn't very attractive. Because at that point, it was totally about one of us finishing and not about the act of intimacy. We 're here, might as well get it over with. Either while in the act or on a mini break between, I'd told him I had to leave at 7:30. He thought there was enough time and wanted to finish by then. That might've been a little pressure put on the guy since I kept bringing it up. At one point, I just wanted to stop. I mean, my V just wasn't feeling it for a while. Which doesn't feel great. But "J" was like "I'll get blueballs." Are you fuuuuucking kidding me, bro? He lost even more points. He was falling fast from the pedestal I might've had him on. I was more into the image I'd built up in my head from conversing with him through screens and saw potential in that versus the real guy right in front of me. Wow.

Did he really use that one on me? Did I actually fall for it? Did he eventually get off? Did I a weak moment of inner conflict? Did I make it to my graduation on time??

When the time came for when I said I had to leave, I got dressed so quick. I felt icky with myself because I literally jumped into my clothes. I didn't take a shower or properly get ready. I went to his living room and commenced getting ready. I unraveled my hair and hoped I'd maintained my blowout. I didn't have time to really put on my make-up. This was so not how I planned to get ready or be going to my college graduation. "J" had changed into a t-shirt, track pants, and a baseball cap worn backwards. He came and sat on the couch with his phone, as I finished getting ready and started gathering up my stuff. So now that it was daylight, I could see that his very nice neighborhood/subdivision could have very well been stationed out in the boonies, as far away as it was from the main highway, or even a gas station.

"Can you take me out of here?" I leaned over the couch and asked him. "J" turned over his shoulder with an expression that wasn't reassuring. "I don't really feel like sitting through a graduation for hours..." Whoa. If I let the other stuff slide, that should have told me then what I was dealing with. I didn't want to go to my own graduation and go through that for hours. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to rewind everything and stick to the "plan" for the date we talked about. In actuality, I was not asking him to drive me to my graduation. Nor was I inviting him to my graduation (which if I was, he should've been honored and flattered if I did so). I was not. I simply meant if he could guide me out to the main roads I was more familiar with. Because then I had to get on the freeway or another highway and get to school. IN TIME FOR GRADUATION. I didn't even want to go at that point. But my family was going to be there. And that would've been super strange and awkward to explain my absence. After I explained what I originally meant, I went out to my car and waited what seemed like forever for him to get to his car and pull out of his garage. I tried putting on the rest of my makeup in the car before leaving. He called me and guided me out as he drove ahead and I followed, until he got to the gas station to turn around.

My graduation morning started off all kinds of wrong. But at least I was done with school and didn't have homework waiting for me...with an exception thanks to a certain professor. By the time, I made it to wherever I was supposed to line up with the class, they were already lined up and appeared ready to go. Upon seeing a couple of friends, I wondered would anyone know. If they could know. Did I smell like I'd just had sex? Did I look like I'd just gotten dressed in a hurry? I just wanted to get the ceremony over with. Just mail me my diploma. I don't need to go through with this. But I did. I was super bored and super sleepy, trying not to doze off.

So back to the burning questions...

Did he really use that one on me? Did I actually fall for it? Did he eventually get off? Did I a weak moment of inner conflict? Did I make it to my graduation on time?? What do you think. Yes, to all.

So since our meeting in person wasn't the best and I'd gotten to know "J" a little better, I didn't expect to see or hear from him after that. I certainly wasn't going to contact him. I was attracted to him, but he rubbed me the wrong way more than once. So I didn't know what to think. I had mixed feelings. And if you're wondering, no our "first date" never happened, as he suggested in a text the prior day about having me come over and having the date too. I'm sure he got a wonderful day of rest though. He got what he wanted. I was irritated on so many accounts. Part of me hoped he'd still follow up about the date plan we talked about for that day or evening. Yet part of me purposely didn't have high expectations about that happening. Maybe it was my subconscious or intuition or just my plain gut telling me better. At least I expect to get something out of a casual hookup. But I don't feel that I did. In fact, it seems "J" was very selfish now that I'm looking back. And that's not cool. Yet during that day, I kept thinking about him and thinking about what had happened. Like I said, I wasn't going to put myself out there and contact him after we'd had sex. Because if that's all he wanted and accomplished that, then I was not about to make a fool of myself by contacting a guy who wasn't really into me and got what he wanted out of me.

But later that night around midnight, he texted, asking if I enjoyed my graduation. 'How considerate', I thought. 'Aw, he's checking in with me', I thought. Psh.

And I was roped in again, relieved and surprised that he contacted me. I just kept giving this guy chances. I still had some lessons to learn the hard way. Y'know. I wasn't finished with "J," unfortunately.

(continued...)

#Tinder #online dating #twentysomething #sex #relationships #hookups #older men #J #the guy who has seriously mindfucked me #part 8 #oral sex #fellatio #cunninlingus

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20-something-love-life · 10 years

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Oh Tinder, Where Is This Going? -- the guy who has seriously mindfucked me (pt. 7)

I had that feeling in my stomach, like I knew I probably shouldn't be doing this. But a part of me wanted to. I gathered my graduation gown, my make-up bag, shoes, dress, and other stuff and crept out of the front door...as the rest of my family slept soundly. I was feeling all together: excitement, annoyance, frustration, anticipation. Here's the part that ticked me the hell off, he didn't explicitly text me his physical address. He gave me the area and landmarks, when I told him where I'd be coming from. He told me how to get to his place. But he didn't give me his actual address. No bueno!

First, I was going to a place I wasn't familiar with. I knew the general location, but this was an area of the city I'd never ventured into (or never realize I'd knew of).

Second, this was in the wee early hours of the morning, so it was dark. I wear prescription glasses and contact lens...my eyesight isn't the best. Add in the dark of night, and I'm pretty much blind.

Third, now was not the best time for me to waste time by driving around trying to find his place when I had to be somewhere hours later!

Oh my God, I was frustrated. But I also wanted to see him. And my insecurities had set in, which was a driving force behind me even granting his request for coming to his place when I should have been getting my sleep for my impending graduation that even he knew about. I texted and called because I needed guidance getting to his home -- of course. If he had have just explicitly given me his address so that I could put that into my GPS, life would have been so much easier. He danced around the fact of explicitly giving me his address. I started questioning if he even knew his own address and street and all that stuff. Find a piece of mail and recite that, if you have to. How the hell did he expect me to magically appear on his doorstop and hand myself over to him, if he didn't meet me a third of the way? He said how my GPS might not pick up his address since the area in which he lived was basically a new subdivision. Um, how about I be the judge of that? So that frustrated me even more. I was more than halfway there to see him, and didn't see the point in turning around and going back home when I'd come that far.

Deja vu? Familiar situation? Yep. Yep.

When I found the community he lived in, I had a another task of finding his actual house...in the midst of lots and lots of other houses that looked extremely alike. Since the sun wasn't out, and it was dark, it was rather difficult trying to read mailbox numbers and house addresses. I finally found his house. He had been waiting for me. Because his front door was unlocked and he told me to just come in. I don't think it would've taken too much energy to physically open the door himself and properly invite me in, but maybe that's just me. So that all started off wrong in my book.

This was new territory. A house that wasn't mine. An area that wasn't mine. A space that wasn't mine. And the feelings among my body just reinforced that energy. I'd walked into his home, which was very nice -- may I add -- and felt the nervousness and discomfort of "meeting" someone for the very first time. We'd talked to each other and seen each other. But this was our first meeting in physical person. And it was at his house, his territory, his space. Which left me vulnerable in that sense. But I'd made the choice to come. So there I was. This is sad, but I can't remember what exactly happened upon our first time seeing each other in person (which was SUPPOSED to be on a frikin' tennis court somewhere -- ideally!). I remember seeing him and thinking, 'aw man he's not super duper tall or way taller than I. And probably thinks I'm way taller than I stated -- which I'm not'. I feel like men tend to overestimate their inches...in a couple departments. *ahem* Give themselves more than what actually is.

He greeted me warmly, as though we already knew each other. I sat my stuff down on his couch. I saw he had a piano in the living room. For what, exactly? He barely touched it, from what I'd gathered in our conversation about musical instruments and talents and whatnot. I was tired and really needed to be sleeping. He knew that. He led me to his bedroom. The place was nice and cool in temperature. I was still ticked off with him, so I kinda strolled about the place with that attitude. I even showed up with my hair covered in a scarf because I was not about to ruin my blowout with sex-hair and sweat. I don't typically wear make-up anyway, so I was naturally bare. I just didn't care enough to impress him with my appearance at that point, of not letting him see me in my night cap and undone. In the bedroom, I noticed a picture of a relative, I guess, on the dresser and another on the nightstand. I thought it strange there was no TV. Or maybe I just absolutely have to have a TV in my bedroom because it consumes my life and helps me sleep.

He asked if I wanted anything and what I wanted. I hadn't eaten anything in quite awhile either. I asked if he had any snack-like stuff. I don't know. He said I could lay down if I wanted. I wanted. I climbed onto the cool and comfortable made-up bed. He left the room. At first, I figured he'd leave me to sleep while he went somewhere else. I got comfortable enough to almost fall asleep, but I didn't drift off. I was in a virtual stranger's house. That was in the back of my mind. He brought me a glass of water and this huge carton of unopened Goldfish. I ate a few of those. But because I was nervous for any number of obvious reasons, I didn't eat a lot. I guess I didn't really have a taste for Goldfish. Perhaps, there was a reason I hadn't eaten them in so long. He left again. I climbed under the comforter and tried to fall asleep. Wasn't going to happen. I wasn't in my own home in my own bed. My nerves and body wouldn't let me.

He came into the bedroom. From the corner of my eye I saw him close the door. I remember him asking if he could lay down with me or join me or something to that nature. He climbed into the bed behind me. Suddenly, he was Mr. Sweet & Nice Guy again. Telling me how glad and happy he was that I'd came and was there with him. 'Yeah, whatever,' I thought. I was like "why were you being so shady and wouldn't just give me your address?" It was so freakin' weird, man. So shady and sketchy. Now he was "sorry" and and said some other stuff I can't remember right now. Laying together in bed, looking me up and down and over, he asked about my height. Yes, I'm the height I stated. No, you actually might not be as tall as you think you are, buddy. I often feel like I really have to have hardcore proof with people about the height thing. I let them know like "no really, I was measured at the doctor's office during my checkup. I'm legit." People generally think 6-foot-3 is gigantic-tall. But it's not to me. I'm not 6-foot-3, but I've seen what 6-foot-3 really looks like. It's tall, just not as exaggerated as people believe it to be. "J" said last time he checked he was 6-foot-2 or maybe 6-foot-3. But in that case I must have been taller than what I said because we seemed close in height. No, buddy. I figured him being more like 6-foot-1. And I'll give him half an inch in addition to that. So yah, we had a conversation about that. In bed. Ugh.

It was dark, save for the moonlight and plug-in air freshener light. We were alone. In bed. Together. He put the moves on. Naturally. Expectedly. It could have been cuddling. But soon we were making out. Which turned into me getting down to my bare essentials. He was intrigued. Since I just went for it. I gotta say this about "J" though, he asked for confirmation along the way. Clearly we were going to have sex, I mean that's why he wanted to get me over to his place so badly, right? That's what making out leads up to majority of the time, right? I pulled at his clothes and his boxers. I admit, I wanted to see what he was working with down there. We had an interesting little chat about *ahem* the common belief about big hands, big feet, and height some time ago. He seemed hesitate for a minute. "You want to have sex?" he asked. Well, he had feeled me up and turned me on. So, yah I wanted to. But a part of me kinda didn't want to because I felt I shouldn't be there like that because I knew I had somewhere to be hours later and this just wasn't how it was supposed to go down between us. But I'm a bit of a people-pleaser at times.

There was no question or second thought about condoms. He went to get one and returned. Then he brought up what he might've wanted all along. "You want to do oral sex?" he asked. My tumblr page he came across must-ve really did a number on him. That must've been all -- or mostly what -- he thought about towards me. I have nothing against oral. Though I think it should be reciprocal and I believe it's a very intimate thing. This also shocked me, he was totally fine with the condom staying on for performing oral on him. Odd, I thought, only because I've known and heard plenty of guys just not going for that. But I really respected the fact "J" was considerate and logical about protection. So to keep it short and sweet and just to let you know another reason, things started out wrong for us -- to me: he got his. Me? Nope. "I don't want to come off hypocritical" he said...as I pleased.

*record scratch*

(continued...)

#Tinder #twentysomething #online dating #the guy who has seriously mindfucked me #men #women #J #part 7 #oral sex #head #fellatio #cunninlingus #interracial dating #graduation #April

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