alizjay

[alizjay]

She asked me if I avoided touch, hated hugs, or thought it was too much

I immediately said “Yes! I can't stand getting hugged! You know I love you if I am willing to hug you!”

Then I realized with clarity that up until recently, I wasn't ever given a choice. Whether at church or at family get-togethers, hugs are just expected and I can't just say no. Saying no is not an option. Consent was always mandatory and compliance was just assumed since the first day out the womb!

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse #poetry #ptsd poetry

[alizjay]

His birthday is in 4 days...FUCK HIM!!!! 😡

#abuse survivor #childhood ptsd #child abuse #actually traumatized

[alizjay]

Me as a teen and young adult

[alizjay]

About to head to therapy and show her all these marks I've made on my skin, tell her that I was spiraling this past month...again!

I got a med increase but now it just makes me sleepy. I'm not very present in my body...or maybe I am and it's just not normal to me? Anyway, it's kinda creepy!

There's a nail salon down the hallway in this great big office building...and the smell is overwhelming, causing me to lose my bearings.

I think I've been disassociating since only a week ago when I remembered being a little girl and that dumb fucker treating me like his dirty ho.

Should I talk about this memory or keep stuffing it deep down? Keep just floating in the air instead of staying grounded down...in my body where the pain is, being present in my mind. I wish that I could be brave but I guess I'll settle for just kind...but I'm afraid that if I keep this up, I'll be a shitty mother so I'll suck it up and process this with my support group together.

Here we go! 🤦

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse #poetry #ptsd poetry

[alizjay]

The memories of what happened during bath time with daddy are no longer vivid to me...but the damn big emotions are so big on my soul that I'm finding it difficult to be...safe around sharp things including my own fingernails, I can't feel my feelings for longer than a minute...so every single time something triggers my emotions, I act really stupid and I hurt myself like a dimwit!

My little preschool-aged self over 30 years ago is literally clawing at the surface and demanding to be heard. She is terrified when the mood changes around her, raging out at anyone who sees her, crying so loud at the shame that's been instilled in her, and wishing for a rescuer to carry her away.

They taught me "Jesus loves me for the Bible tells me so," but they failed to teach me what love meant so it never occurred to me that it may not be true. Because if I'd have known that REAL love was what I felt while at Grandma's yellow house, I would've told that god to prove it...by making me feel safe. I would've realized that he is just an illusion, the character in a myth they teach to children so they will behave.

And I find it quite ironic that the very same book of stories full of parables and pretty songs and bloody allegories is the very same book that states that perfect love drives out all fear...however when I'm around those people, all that I would ever hear is "Watch your mouth, you naughty girl! You of all kids should know better. Your daddy is the minister. You need to wear dresses instead of that stupid sweater." And I hear those voices now when someone's mad at me now... that's why I now avoid church cause no matter where I'd attend, that feeling of having to pretend to be what they wanted, always smiling from ear to ear.

It's amazing I never tried to kill myself back then. I was constantly in panic mode, my body never experiencing zen. My life was surrounded with stories about a prince of peace, but all I ever knew was panic and pain inside my broken brain. The scriptures that I memorized said that God took my shame on himself on the cross but every time I turned around, they filled me so full of shame that I was constantly lost... without even realizing that it was bad for me, to think that I was rotten and that I didn't deserve to have anyone love me. I just thought it was a very obvious fact and I assumed it without question so every correction felt like an attack.

I just can't seem to finish this dumb poem to the conclusion cause all I want is to drift off to sleep and pretend that my pain was just an illusion...yeah I know I'll wake up tomorrow and feel it again but just maybe the rest will give me strength to fight again.

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse #poetry #ptsd poetry #religious trauma

[alizjay]

I did this with my fingernails...in my car...before I walked into work today.

#abuse survivor #trauma #ptsd #mental health #actually traumatized

[alizjay]

Needed this today!!!

All the stuff you learn from your attempts at healthy coping doesn't get erased the moment you relapse. And you can use that knowledge to pick yourself back up and try again when you're ready. It's not a case of starting over from scratch, it's a case of stumbling and getting back up

[alizjay]

TW: sh

Here I am at work...every day...around 2:00... I can't hold it in anymore and I feel like I'm gonna lose my fucking shit... I told this to a coworker who said "I cover. You can take a short break, friend."

So I found myself in the bathroom with an unfolded paperclip still in my pocket - cause I didn't want to give up on that option today - and I drew some nice lines all up and down my arm. Paperclips don't make u bleed but if you push hard enough, they can still leave a mark.

And now I have to go back...with these pretty pink lines on my arm...and hurry up and put on my jacket...before my coworker sees my obvious evidence of self harm!

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse

[alizjay]

Will it really pass?? Will this feeling of pain leave on its own? It hurts...fucking...hurts...rips out my insides and tears up my guts...the memories...I now understand why I always lose my shit when someone touches my legs.

I just want to sleep...drift away...hold my inner child and sleep the pain away...cry until the tears are spent...let the hurricane wash me away.

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse #poetry #ptsd poetry

[alizjay]

HOW THE FUCK AM O SUPPOSED TO FALL ASLEEP AFTER REMEMBERING WHAT I REMEMBERED TODAY???????? 😭😭😭😭

I'm literally afraid to go to bed.

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse

[alizjay]

I took a bubble bath today in the upstairs bathroom tub…and as I washed my whole body I began to remember…

So I exited the tub and dried myself off and I put on some clothes and I went about my day…folding clothes and listening to a podcast so my mind wouldn't wander back that way.

And then I had an appointment that my kids needed to attend…so we got in the car and before we got too far, that memory became quite clear in my head…I wanted to tell and to scream and to fight but I was driving my children and I'd prefer we NOT die, so self-talked myself down and at least began to act calm and I kept it all inside until now…now I'm home and I'm resting, letting my brain do some remembering of bath time with daddy, the bad guy of my story, the dragon who tries to burn me…all in the name of love.

You see, when daddy gave me baths he'd suds up the rag with soap. He would scrub my arms and my back and my front and my legs and my butt and then spend a little extra time between my legs. I'd have to stand up so he could scrub my legs down and up…I didn't even know it was wrong. I was so fucking little, I was so fucking helpless…daddy why did you ruin me. How could you, asshole? You “washed” every inch of me then wrapped me in a towel. You kissed my lips and held me tight. I hate u with all my fucking might! Please go away, memory. Get out of sight. I wanna disassociate and just drift from the light.

Goodbye world, I'm gonna wonder off now…try to go to sleep so I can stop re-experiencing this.

But while I try to fall asleep, I recall one more incident of him being a creep. I'm in the bath and telling him I do not want to stand up. “My legs are underwater so they're gonna get clean without all that scrubbing!” I don't remember what came right after, other than your angry face and voice. I'm feeling scared and mad and confused. It ended with me standing up and getting scrubbed anyway and being told not to cry. I don't know how old I was but surely that was the day when I began to feel dead inside.

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse #poetry #ptsd poetry

[alizjay]

My kid came home from school yesterday and told me about social studies class...

Kid: mom, we r learning about the history of Christianity... it's stupid...half the kids say that they already know it cause they go to church...bully said "I got kicked out of church for cussing out the pastor"...I gave him a high five and everyone was SHOCKED...I said "i don't like pastors cause my mom's dad is one and he abused her.

So now a bunch of middle school kids in town and their 22 year old teacher know the truth about my dad...odds of any of them knowing my dad...zero. 😞

Self...chill... you're safe...daddy IS a bad guy and he gets what he deserves...you are SAFE!!!!

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse

[alizjay]

Romantic night...under the stars...making out by the fire pit

Kids go to bed...I strip down to bra & panties...we finish our show and then I head off to bed...but not before u fuck my brains out while our bodies still smell like smoke from the fire pit...we try out new positions around the living room...we satisfy each other's bodies and then I kiss u good night and head up to bed...I shower off the smell of sex and smoke before I lay down...and my mind and my body go to flashback.

I'm back at church camp...maybe 4 of 5 years old...campfire smell in the air... I'm staying in one of the family cabins for the pastors to stay with their families. There are no visual memories of what happened...other than it being the middle of the day and I'm taking another shower with daddy and we r in a bathroom that is not at our house...and I smell campfire smoke and chlorine and the beautiful smell of the great outdoors of Iowa summer...and man sweat.

Daddy, I hate u so fucking much!!!!!!!!!! 😡

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse

[alizjay]

Saturday afternoon, I laid myself down in bed. I drifted off to Dreamland, where I defied expectations that were set...for me when I was just a teen to protect me from the men...no skin showing, sweetheart cause men have no control over their lustful sins.

But I wore that hot bikini anyway and was then transported to my backwoods small town, and my dad's whole congregation was there, happy to see me, but concerned for my soul. But all I could think about was talking to someone that knows my dad. I HAD to know if deep down they know he's bad...but no one would talk to me, so I found myself transported to the land of the dead....and I yelled the name of my dad's old dead friend!!

I didn't find him right away. I raced down all the streets...and all the alleys and all the hallways til I found him sitting on a seat...he was reading his old Bible like he did when he was living and I yelled his name but he never heard me. It's like he was just sleeping. So I took away his Bible and I called his name again. He looked at me confused like he had never seen my face. I said, "Hey M! It's me! It's me! You haven't seen me since I was 19 years old. I look so different now. I'm all grown up. I have 2 kids and a husband and I am already 36! Don't you remember me, your pastor's weird daughter? And finally he was like "yes, I now remember you! I watched you grow up with your brothers and my own kids! How are u, A? How's your family?

But I knew that time was limited. I told him I came to find him, to ask an urgent question. What is your REAL opinion of my dad? Did u sense any red flags? Did you ever fully trust him?

But before he could answer me...my kid woke me up! 🤦

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse #dreams

[alizjay]

SA Awareness Month

Don't forget a lot of survivors or victims are still silent. A lot of us are still fearful, shameful, or just unsure. Just bc we never spoke doesn't mean it never happened, so please don't invalidate us as any lesser, we are still struggling and still human.

Create a safe place to talk or be around, sometimes, online is the only one safe place to speak, even if it's not much or vague. Love and support is enough to be seen and heard, we just need to know that we are safe.

[alizjay]

I was evangelized this morning by a redheaded 11-year-old, with a little southern twang in his voice, and genuine concern on his face. I know he's quite worried about my eternal state. His IQ is 64 and he's been through so much trauma...neglected and abandoned by the lady he first called mama. He's now quite "safe" in his grandparents' home since he was 4 years old, but they drag him to the big megachurch where he's indoctrinated to be bold...

To share the gospel, to preach jesus' name, to hate on all the gays and make sinners feel ashamed. To teach the children in their pews that they're not at all lovable, and that only god's goodness and not just their existence makes them deserve any good. He's being taught to hate in the name of god's great grace. He may even be being groomed to tolerate a pastor's embrace...so sorry, i guess that i should not assume...surely ALL the preachers can't be monsters like my dad! But even if nobody touches his body, what damage to his soul he's getting by being told he's bad.

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse #poetry #ptsd poetry #religious trauma

[alizjay]

Update from hour ago post... I'm at work, shutting everyone out. While driving, I briefly contemplated running all the stop signs without slowing down just to see. Then eyes saw at the next stop ahead, a car going down the busy road (with no stop sign) and I thought, "that definitely would've killed me. I guess I'll stop."

My husband knows I'm not okay and wanted me to call in sick. I'm safer at work than by myself so I'm here...just here...putting in my time til 4. The eclipse is Monday, the kids have gone wild...maybe I'll call in sick Monday.

#abuse survivor #trauma #childhood ptsd #ptsd #mental health #actually traumatized